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Encouraging Children · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to Talking FACS.
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  What you need to know about family food,
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  finance and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized award-winning podcast is hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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  families and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello and welcome to Talking Facts.
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  This is your host,
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  Doctor Jennifer Hunter,
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  assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  Today.
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  I'm pleased to be joined by Doctor David Weisenhorn Extension Specialist for parenting and child development.
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  Welcome,
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  David.
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  Thank you for having me.
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  It's so good to be back.
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  So David,
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  today's topic is one that is gonna help us as parents be more aware that,
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  um,
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  you're gonna share with us four things that parents often do,
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  maybe not realizing that they're doing,
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  but that discourage their Children.
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  And then how is it as parents that,
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  um,
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  we can kind of avoid those steps or that we can be more encouraging to our Children in general?
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  That's right.
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  That's right.
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  I think the important thing you said there is just that oftentimes the these discouraging words perhaps or actions that we have as parents are not intentional.
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  So this isn't a,
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  uh,
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  a wagging of the finger or a shame on you as far as parents go,
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  but more of an awareness piece.
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  And so I really appreciate the way that you introduce the topic because sometimes as parents,
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  we relay discouraging messages without knowing it.
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  And,
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  and there was a,
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  a doctor Alfred Adler in the late 18 hundreds,
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  early 19 hundreds,
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  that was at the time,
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  they didn't have that term child psychologist.
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  So he was a medical doctor,
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  but he was also a psychotherapist that spent a lot of time looking at the behavior of families and specifically of Children.
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  And what he found is that a misbehaving child is oftentimes a discouraged child.
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  And so I think that's really important as we talk about this today is because what happens is as we parent,
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  we typically look at the behavior and that becomes our focal point.
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  So some of the things that we do though are the,
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  some of the behavior is caused by the way that we are treating our Children.
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  And the first thing that I would mention is this overprotecting or pampering for many parents.
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  This comes from a loving heart and a desire to help without realizing the damage it causes.
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  So,
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  Jennifer,
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  what do you think?
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  What do you think would be a reason that we often pamper our Children or overprotect?
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  Oh,
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  I,
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  I could give a list of them David.
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  But um ruling and truly is that it,
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  it's,
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  that,
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  that we are trying to protect them,
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  that we don't want to see them have their feelings hurt or we don't want,
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  you know,
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  if they go to school and their hair is crazy or they're,
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  you know,
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  not dressed or,
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  or whatever,
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  we don't want them to be made fun of or you,
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  you know,
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  that we just really want to,
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  to,
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  you know,
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  hold them and love them and,
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  and just make certain that they're happy and safe.
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  You're absolutely right.
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  And so some of the ways that we do that is one of the things like you said,
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  like we're,
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  we're combing their hair,
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  we're picking out their clothes,
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  we're cleaning up after them,
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  right.
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  We're not requiring them to do chores.
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  And I'm thinking about this and how it is sometimes for me getting out the door with young Children.
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  And so I'm gonna speak to parents of young Children.
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  And oftentimes we find ourselves doing for our Children because we are in a hurry.
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  We are trying,
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  we are trying to speed up and get out the door.
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  So we're tying kids shoes,
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  we're slapping peanut butter on a piece of toast or we're helping pack their bag,
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  picking out their clothes,
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  right?
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  A Doctor Adler says,
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  hey,
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  never do for a child,
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  what he or she can do for themselves.
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  And Eric Erickson would say that that us doing for a child,
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  what they can do stunts them,
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  it stops their developmental process.
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  And so we don't want to do that.
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  We want to benefit our Children.
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  And so next time when you're feeling like I'm gonna overprotect or I wanna help pamper my child remember that by doing those things for a child,
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  we're really slowing down their development.
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  So we want to avoid that.
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  The second thing I would say is focus oftentimes that the mistake that we make that discourages is that we focus on mistakes.
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  Jennifer,
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  how do you feel right now?
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  Does it feel comfortable in this room?
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  I'm good.
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  What would you say the temperature is?
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  Oh,
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  well,
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  now we did have to shut the ac off so that we didn't get the,
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  the,
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  um,
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  the sound on the,
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  on the podcast.
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  So it's probably low seventies.
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  The reason I ask you that and it's difficult for you to do is because you're comfortable.
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  If it was on comfortable in this room,
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  you would have told me as soon as we walked in,
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  it's too cold.
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  Gosh,
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  it's so hot in here.
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  Well,
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  it just goes to point the natural lean that we have and there's several studies that have reiterated this and I and I say several,
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  I mean,
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  tens and 20 studies that have said,
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  hey,
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  we are more likely to remember the bad or the negative,
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  then the good.
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  That is so true.
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  David,
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  if you just think about,
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  you know,
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  in the work we do and we have a conference or event or,
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  and the evaluations at the end that people are very quick and room temperature is one of them that,
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  that,
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  um,
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  you,
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  you know,
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  if we don't have the temperature,
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  right,
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  it,
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  they don't necessarily hear the message that we've been there to deliver.
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  And so that point is true of us,
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  how many times have we done that to our Children?
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  How many times have we just noticed the things that they've done wrong or their mistakes rather than identifying the things that are good.
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  And listen again,
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  this isn't a wagging of the finger at the parents because the reality is,
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  is that's kind of how we're tilted.
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  So I,
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  what I wanna do is bring awareness to that and encourage you to begin to focus on the things that are good.
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  But we naturally think that things should be good.
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  That's just the way things should be.
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  And so when our Children are behaving properly,
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  oftentimes the response of parents is,
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  well,
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  that's how they're supposed to be in and while I want to agree with that statement.
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  But yes,
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  but the reality is,
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  is they're human.
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  So they're messing up all the time.
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  And so making mistakes is part of the human condition.
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  But telling them how much you appreciate that they've created that they've cleared their dishes from the dinner table or they brush their teeth without having to be told,
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  can really build on the strengths they already have and encourage more of the same.
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  So stop focusing on the mistakes and begin to focus on the positives.
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  So David,
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  you know,
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  and I know that you were talking about younger Children earlier in that kind of rush to get out of the house.
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  Although I still feel that with my high schooler.
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  So I don't know that it ever goes,
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  I don't know that it ever goes away.
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  But as,
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  as you're,
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  you're talking about things that parents do that can be discouraging to their Children.
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  I also have a,
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  a Tween and you know,
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  she just headed into middle school and that's a tough,
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  tough age for development because I am trying to give her some of these independent steps,
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  you know,
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  packing her own lunch and did you wash the blueberries before they went into the lunch box?
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  You know,
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  that,
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  that might have been a conversation we had this morning.
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  But I also find myself kind of in this,
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  in this limbo that I,
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  I don't want to be judging.
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  I don't want to be discouraging.
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  I do want to encourage her,
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  but I also want her,
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  you know,
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  at times to realize that,
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  well,
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  maybe maybe that outfit doesn't work or maybe we really do need to run the comb through our hair again or I don't want to,
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  I don't want her to feel bad about it or,
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  or feel sad about it.
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  So help me with expectations.
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  Like what is expecting too little.
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  What is expecting too much kind of where do I find that that line of,
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  of expectations?
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  This is,
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  is perfect.
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  Right.
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  So that,
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  that third one that we often do to discourage is expecting too little.
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  Uh And that is it so that we are used to being the one that they depend on.
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  We're used to being the one that's taking care of our Children and as they age,
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  we have to reduce that and give them more opportunities and more responsibility.
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  So it's just what you're saying,
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  if we don't have confidence in our kids,
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  how can we expect them to have confidence in themselves?
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  And so one of the ways the nonverbal ways of showing confidence is to give our Children responsibility,
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  another way is asking for their opinion or advice.
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  So allowing them your right to go to school with the hair or the,
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  the clothes that are like,
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  oh,
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  they're not quite matching my son.
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  Gosh,
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  he doesn't listen to this.
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  So I can say this.
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  He,
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  he loves to wear his socks pulled all the way up to his knees.
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  And I,
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  I don't see any other kids.
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  I'll be honest with you.
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  I don't see any other nine year olds wearing their socks pulled to their knees.
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  And so I asked him the other day,
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  I said,
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  Elashi,
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  um,
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  you would you be interested in getting some,
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  some smaller socks?
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  And he said,
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  nah,
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  I like these socks then I said,
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  you like those socks.
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  He said,
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  yeah,
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  I said,
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  um,
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  anybody ever said anything about,
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  anybody ever teach you about your socks?
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  He's like,
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  no,
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  no dad.
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  Actually,
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  there are some guys that think it's really cool at school.
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  And so I learned that the natural consequence of his sock wearing was part of that confidence that he had to wear them like that because he was getting some kudos at school for that.
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  And so it made me understand and what I want to relate to you list to,
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  to the other parents that might be listening is that what we might think is appropriate,
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  might have changed since the time that we were in.
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  And that's very true.
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  That that is one and where it helps,
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  um,
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  with our younger one that to my older one,
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  I can say,
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  are kids really wearing this to school,
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  you know,
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  because he's old enough to be like mom.
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  That's,
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  you know,
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  that's fine.
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  Trust me,
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  she's ok or,
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  uh,
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  you know,
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  she's nowhere near a dress code violation.
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  It's fine.
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  Right.
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  And that,
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  and that hair,
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  you know,
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  that's like,
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  oh,
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  you're just you,
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  I've always,
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  uh,
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  I have a daughter as well and she is,
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  yeah,
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  her hair at times doesn't get brushed before it goes out and I ask her,
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  are you sure you're ok with your hair like that?
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  And she says,
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  yeah,
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  I'm done.
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  I'm,
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  I'm,
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  I'm fine.
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  So natural consequences.
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  Parents are oftentimes good steering agents for,
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  for Children and to understand whether or not their behavior is appropriate or not.
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  The last piece of this would be the flip side of expecting too little,
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  which is expecting too much.
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  And when we do that,
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  as a parent,
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  the child will gradually stop trying due to their inability to please us.
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  So expecting too much can also communicate to our Children that we don't accept them for who they are and what they can do.
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  So we want to avoid that mistake by separating worth from behavior.
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  So bad or inappropriate behavior is more likely caused by a lack of knowledge than it is a poor character.
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  So remember that parents,
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  we're,
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  we're not building character.
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  If their behavior is bad,
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  it doesn't reflect their character.
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  It oftentimes just reflects a lack of knowledge.
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  And so instead of chastising them or being upset with them or having a higher bar,
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  what we're gonna do is say,
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  hey,
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  mistakes,
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  it's part of life.
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  And I tell my kids that sometimes I don't always do this right.
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  So I don't want to come off as the perfect parent because by far I am,
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  but it is one of those things that I do try to tell my Children is that,
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  hey,
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  making mistakes is human,
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  uh learning from them.
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  That's,
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  that's what we wanna do.
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  We,
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  we don't want to make the same mistake twice.
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  David,
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  thank you so much for joining us today and giving us great tips and reminders for,
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  for parents out there as we're navigating,
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  raising our kiddos to be great humans.
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  Thank you so much.
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  Thank you for listening to Talking FACS.
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