Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 3: How To Help Your Partner Make Changes--Without Destroying Your Relationship

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Episode 3: How To Help Your Partner Make Changes--Without Destroying Your Relationship · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad that you decided to join me today.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because today we are talking about a really important topic.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: We are talking about change, specifically when there's something that you want your partner or spouse to change.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is quite a big topic, to be honest with you, and I've tried my best to keep it really focused on information that I think is probably going to be the most relevant and useful for you right now, wherever you're at.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now I am going to be talking about this in terms of romantic relationships, but it also applies to family relationships and friendships as well.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So you can keep that in mind if you are not currently in a romantic relationship.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, if you're like, look, I am so freaking happy, there is nothing that I want or need different in my relationship or from my partner, I yay you, first of all, go, please go and celebrate that.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Give your partner a hug.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: But what I would like to encourage you to do is go ahead and listen to this episode or save it anyway, because at some point down the road, you're likely going to have something come up that you want to see change.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is probably going to help you out.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So the reason why I wanted to talk to you about this today is because this does actually come up a lot in the work that I do with my clients.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Many of the people that I work with are trying to decide whether or not they want to stay in their relationships.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I work with both individuals and couples, right?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: So some have decided to stay and they are actively trying to make it work.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: They're trying to figure out is it going to work?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the concept of change obviously comes up a lot.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: What I've noticed is a couple of things.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, how the initial conversation about the change goes down, how that goes down, has a really big impact on how the couple moves forward in their relationship.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing I've noticed is that partners who are coming from a very patient, loving, supportive place during this time of waiting for the partner to make changes, tend to have a much better outcome than the people who have one or two conversations, and the person that wants the change kind of like says, Here, the ball's in your court.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then they sit back and it's like they observe their partners like underneath a microscope, right?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're waiting for their significant other to prove to them that they can make these changes.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And those outcomes tend to not be as positive as approaching it from a more patient, supportive place.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to point out to you that when there is something that you want to be different in your relationship or you want to be different with your partner or spouse, this does not rest solely on their shoulders.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is a relationship issue, not a them or you issue.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that is something that people tend to lose sight on.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm specifically going to be talking to you about today is your role.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to give you some suggestions on how to think about the changes that you're asking for.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to give you some guidelines, which will hopefully really help you navigate your relationship in a positive way while you're waiting for these changes to happen.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then we are going to kind of round out the episode by talking about how to approach a conversation with your partner or a spouse about change.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm going to give you some suggestions and options of things you can do if your partner just flat out says, nope, not going to change.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or it doesn't seem like they can change, right?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or they they literally just don't want to change.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: What can you do?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about that.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I think most people are in agreement that we can and do change.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I actually put out this question to my followers on social media and I asked, Do you think people can change?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And most of them said yes, but only if the other person really wants it.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I happen to agree with that.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I do think that people can change if they really want to.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, I think that we all just naturally evolve and change over time.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Some in like in some really good positive ways and in some not so great ways as well, right?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately, I know I'm a different person than I was 10 years ago.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you're a different person than you, than you were 10 years ago, right?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: So change can happen.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is changing or adapting your way of being in the world is totally different when it's your idea versus somebody else's idea, right?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So when somebody asks you to make changes or adapt the way that you are, that's when the friction tends to come in.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm trying to help y'all work out in your relationships.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So with that in mind, the first thing I want to talk about is your mindset around the changes that you're asking for.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing I would like you to consider is how realistic is this change that you want?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: What types of things are you asking for?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: How big in air quotes is your ask?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Smaller changes are obviously way easier for people to make than bigger ones.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I need to point out to you that even small changes take time and they take effort, which means that you have to be patient.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll share something that I'm trying to work on, or I am not trying to work on, I am working on actively.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: My husband, he hates it when we're in the car, he's driving, and traffic comes to a halt, or someone cuts us off, and I use the invisible brake on the passenger side, slamming my foot down.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And he says I scream.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I scream, but I know I suck in my breath or I make a noise, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And he just this bugs the heck out of him.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And he's asked me to change it before, and I've kind of blown him off.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, babe, this is just a reflex, it's a habit, blah, blah, blah.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the last and the last couple of times it had happened, he's like, look, you literally, Carrie, you you need to fix this.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm like, okay.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I have actively been working on this.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So every time now, for the last few months, that we get in the car or the truck and I'm not driving, I remind myself, I need to pay attention to traffic.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I need to trust that he's got this.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm really mindful about my responses when that stuff happens now.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the last time it happened, um, someone cut us off.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I used the imaginary airbreak, but I didn't say anything.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And he kind of gave me the side eye.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, don't you say anything?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Cause look, I didn't say shit.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I think this is a win.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just have you count this as a win as well.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And he agreed, right?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know that this is like kind of a small, silly example, but this small habit change on my part is taking me effort.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's taking him being patient with me as I'm trying to get it right.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So now think about the big changes when you want your partner to make big modifications to who they are as a person or to how they behave.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really big ask.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's really challenging to change things that are deeply rooted in your personality or deeply rooted patterns and ways of being.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: They, like you, have evolved over time and they are who they are today over the course of how they've been living.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And essentially, what you're doing is you're asking them to be a different person or to be in the world in a different way.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought I'd share with you some of the more common things that I see people asking, like big asks of their partners.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: They want their partners to be less negative, less temperamental, less moody, more social, control their temper more, drink less, stop smoking.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: These are some very common things that have come up.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Communication is another one that comes up a lot.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: When partners have different communication styles, one of them will usually ask the other one to change.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I see this most often happen is when one partner wants the other one to talk more and communicate more when they're upset.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the other partner wants them to back the hell off, right?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's where I see that coming in a lot with communication.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what I'd like to point out here, though, is that the person that's making the request, so we're gonna assume that's you right now, the person that's making this request doesn't usually recognize how hard it is for their partner.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because what we're typically doing is we're asking them to be more like us.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to be different than how they naturally are, and we want them to be more like how we naturally are, right?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's easy for you to control your temper, it's probably hard for you to understand why your partner can't.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: For people who are not very communicative and do not enjoy communicating when they're upset, it's hard for them to understand why their partner just can't respect them and back off.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I think this is really important that you really look at it as a perspective of putting yourselves in their shoes to hopefully give you some grace when you are thinking about your partner and the changes that you're asking them to make.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing that I'd suggest is that you think about why it is you want them to change in the first place.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's your motive?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this change important to you?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And how is their behavior affecting you?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We often, like I said in the beginning, think of this as a them problem.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like if they would just change this, everything would be fine, everything would be okay.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's really not the reality.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is that they probably don't see it as much of a problem as you see it.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to figure out why this makes you unhappy and why this affects you so much so that you can communicate more effectively and easier with them when you do have the conversation.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And to be perfectly frank with you, this is a you problem as well because you're the person that has a problem with it.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're the person that's unhappy with their behavior.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so you share in some of the responsibility of how you move forward with this.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing I'd like you to consider is how significant or important is this really to you?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I like to encourage people to actually rate it on a scale of one to 10.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: 10 being this is 100% a deal breaker for me.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're thinking about this problem right now, you know, that you want or behavior that you want your partner or significant other to fix, if it's a seven or higher, then one of the reasons why this is important is because you need to decide, you're probably gonna have to decide in the future how you're going to handle it if they don't or can't change, they don't want to change or they can't change.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if it's like on the milder side of the scale, if it's maybe a three or a four, maybe right now you don't need to ask them to change.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you don't even need to have a conversation yet.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can just start working on yourself and your mindset and shifting the way that you think about it so that it bothers you less.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you've tried that and it hasn't worked, then would be the time to go ahead and have the conversation.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I wait to have the conversation until you've done your work on yourself to see how big of an issue this really is for you.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: So the next thing that I want you to consider and think about is how open do you think your partner or spouse is going to be to receiving this information?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: How open or resistant do you think they're going to be to give it a try, to try making these changes?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you think they're going to be resistant, then maybe you can reconsider how much of a change you're looking for.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're unwilling to do that, you know, obviously depending on what the behavior is or the personality trait, maybe you just prepare yourself for a lot of resistance because preparing yourself ahead of time for a lot of resistance can help you when it occurs.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to give you the four things that I think people need in order to make changes that stick.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this can help you kind of figure out maybe where your partner is.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing that they need is they need to believe that the change is necessary.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: They have to believe that there is a problem with the way things are and that this problem is significant.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I wanted you to think about it in like the beginning of this episode.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't understand why it's important and significant, they're certainly not going to.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so you need to wrap around your mind around that first in order to help communicate that to them when you have the conversation.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing that they need to change is they need to have a growth mindset.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: A growth mindset says it's possible to change, versus a fixed mindset, which says, well, this is just how I am, this is how I'm wired, and I can't change that, right?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's a fixed mindset that is counter to making changes.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing they need to do is they need to be willing to learn how to change.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you are trying to adapt the way that your personality is or certain behaviors that you have, what that requires is for you to both unlearn old ways of being while simultaneously learning new ways of being.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a hell of a learning curve sometimes, you guys.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So they have to be willing to take the time to learn the tools and practice the tools that they're learning.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth thing that they need is a willingness to persevere when it gets hard, because it's going to get hard.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: They have to be willing when it's taking a lot of effort, when it feels very heavy and very overwhelming.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: So those are the four things that most people need in order to make changes that stick.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think your partner or significant other has those?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: How many do they have?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: The more of those they have, probably the easier it's going to be for you to see the changes.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So the next thing I want to talk about is how you live your life and how you're showing up in the relationship while you're waiting for them to make the change can literally make or break your relationship.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something I said at the beginning that I see a lot is when people are complicating their relationships more and they're adding way more drama because they're putting so much pressure on their significant other to change.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: So the way that you are behaving in this time is really important.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's 100% in your control.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the first thing that I want to suggest is that you manage your expectations about the change.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Be patient.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Expect setbacks.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Change does not happen overnight, it happens in small increments over time.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys, this does not happen perfectly.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have never known someone to make small or big changes exactly right the first time or the 10th time or the 50th time.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: You need to expect setbacks.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're part of the process.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to, you know, reflect back on a time when you've made changes.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you decided, maybe it was like New Year's and you made a New Year's resolution to start waking up early and going to the gym and getting in a good workout before you start your day.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you do really good for seven weeks, and then you get sick and you don't feel so good.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So you skip a day.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next day you're like, well, I'm still recovering, so I'm gonna go ahead and skip today.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next day you hit snooze, and next thing you know, you've skipped seven, eight, or nine days in a row.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a setback.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Those happen, they are natural.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: So how you handle the setbacks that happen with your partner or spouse is going to have a very big impact on how things move forward.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's either going to encourage them or it's going to discourage them.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I recently experienced this when I was talking to one of my clients who was really frustrated because she thought that they had made so much progress, they had been doing so well, and then they had a bad weekend.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And in her mind, because of this bad weekend, everything went back to square one.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I was trying to explain to her, you did not go back to square one.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: This was a setback.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is what happens.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: It does not erase all of the progress that came before it.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now I work with her husband as well, and he was really frustrated.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, look, I make one mistake, we have one bad weekend, and it's like all the work I've been doing goes completely out the window.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: That is so discouraging.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that does not make somebody want to keep trying.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you do when people have setbacks or your partner or spouse has a setback?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I would suggest not making snide comments underneath your breath or even just directly.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: People will say stuff like, see, I knew it, or I knew you do this, you know, or whatever they're gonna push, you know, the partner's buttons or whatever.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: So just be mindful about how you're handling the setbacks when they happen, because how you react really does make a difference in how your partner perceives a situation and frankly, in how motivated they're gonna be to keep going.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, suggestion number two I have for you during this time is to actively look for the small changes, even the teeniest, tiniest bit of effort, of change, of anything like that.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to acknowledge it.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I do not understand why people don't do this.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them, I noticed that you did X, Y, and Z.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate this, or I can see that you're trying.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: A thank you will do wonders for your relationship, and it will help the person want to continue to try.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: The third suggestion I have while you're in this time period is you need to be prepared.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, I really think you should initiate more conversations about it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: What I see happen a lot is people have one conversation, they drop it in their partner's lap, and then they just like throw up their hands, you're like, okay, dude, balls in your court, okay?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: They just kind of like leave it to their partners.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I would encourage you to have conversations.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them, how's it going for you?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: How are you feeling?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything that I can do to help you?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing well?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: And celebrate those things that are going really well.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about how it's impacting both of you.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: The open communication about what's going on is going to help your relationship in the long run.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, for those of you that know that you want to have a conversation with your partner, or frankly, people don't want to have a conversation with their partner, but they need to have a conversation with their partner.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to just kind of give you some guidelines for the conversation.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, the first thing I want you to do is go back and listen to those questions I asked you in the beginning and reflect on them and really wrap your mind around the answers.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: How important is this to you?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: When you talk to your significant other, it's really good if you talk about specifically how the behavior or behaviors are affecting you, why it's important, and how important it is.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them, look, this is like a five out of 10.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is an eight out of a 10 for me.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I'm at.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: They need to understand that this is important and why it's important to you.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: I would also take the time to ask them, what do they think?
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about this?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think about this?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be able to understand where they're coming from.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's going to help them if they feel like you care about their feelings, if they think that you care about their side of the relationship and kind of their side of the story.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so, with that, you also need to be listening with openness and with a willingness to try to understand where they're coming from and without judgment.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: I would also encourage you to expect and anticipate defensiveness and pushback.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: This happens in almost every conversation that goes down about this stuff.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: There is almost always pushback.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can anticipate that and decide ahead of time how you want to respond to those things to help you stay calm and focused and neutral, it's going to help you avoid an argument and it's going to help move your conversation forward in a more constructive way.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the last thing, while you're having this conversation, let them know look, this is not just a you problem or a me problem.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is an us problem.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is a relationship issue that we are going to tackle together, and I'd like to do it as a team.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: The more you can approach this as a team, the better off your relationship is going to be in the long run.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: So the last thing that I want to address here with you is what can you do if they don't want to change or they can't.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can't change.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think you have a couple of options.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is to just accept the behavior and just do whatever it is you're doing now.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Another option is for you to change your mindset around whatever it is that you're having a problem with and just decide it's not a problem.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing you can do, depending on what it is that you want them to change, is you can set boundaries around the behavior or the personality trait.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: So basically, what this means is you want to decide ahead of time how you're going to respond, how you're going to behave if this behavior or if this trait comes out again.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to make sure that you have a plan so that you can respond or behave in a calm, neutral place.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Your fourth option, as I see it, is to modify your request.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: All that basically means is maybe you asked for something too big.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we started too big.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something smaller that you can ask for?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something smaller that we can start with?
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: People tend to be more open to change when they feel like they have a choice in it.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe there's a way that you can compromise what you want and what they want.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if none of those four things work, your fifth option is to break up, to end the relationship.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: If this thing is really, really important to you, like a nine or a 10 out of a 10 scale, and you know in your heart that you can't or don't want to live with whatever it is that you're having an issue with, making the decision to move on may be in your best interest.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: This does not make you a quitter.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: This does not mean that you're not committed to the relationship.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: What this means is that this thing, this behavior, this personality trait, is impacting you so much and has affected you so deeply that moving on is the healthiest option for you.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can you do with this information if you're single or in a new dating relationship?
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would suggest that you think about your deal breakers.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: What are the personality traits and behaviors that are not acceptable to you and be mindful about that when you're deciding who you want to pursue a relationship with?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a committed relationship and there's something that's kind of bugging you, put it on that number scale.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not super important right now, maybe a three or four, I would suggest trying to do the mind shift work first on yourself and then having a conversation with your partner if that doesn't work.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you have asked your partner for change and they're not changing or it's going really, really, really slow, I would encourage you to go back and listen to this episode again and kind of get a grasp on what areas are you doing well and what areas of what I've talked about today can you improve upon.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you're really here looking for what part are under your control and what you can do on your part to make this go a little bit smoother.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you come to the conclusion that they can't change or they don't want to change, then you can review your options and decide what you want to do with that.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: So ultimately, relationships can feel hard because we're in relationships with people that are different from us.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: We have different life experiences, upbringings, and different ways of being.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that sometimes can cause friction.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that is one of the reasons why being in a relationship can feel like a bit of work at times, right?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that this was helpful for you today.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Please, if you've not yet done so, hit the subscribe or follow button, give me a five-star rating, please, and of course, share this with absolutely everyone so we can keep this podcast going.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to talking to you next week.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahoskins.com to learn more.