Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 465. Retroactive Jealousy & How to Stand by My Decisions (Headnoise)

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465. Retroactive Jealousy & How to Stand by My Decisions (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Since Hello, beautiful Booms and welcome to the podcast episode
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: of today. I'm actually just jumping in here before we
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: get started on the topic of today's episode, to let
• 0:27
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• 0:35
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• 0:41
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• 0:44
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• 0:48
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• 0:50
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• 0:56
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• 1:01
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• 1:04
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• 1:41
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• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Your life at the live show because I will.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: That's my aim to change your life anyway over and out.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: Love you guys so much. Let's get straight inedo the
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: episode of today.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to your head Noise
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: episode off the day. So Noise, as you guys know,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: this is where you guys send in your head noise.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Whatever's going on in your head. You're trying to sort
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: it out. You're stuck between like a major decision. You
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: can't really figure it out on your own, so you've
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: come to me. You're sharing it with me, and we're
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: going to kind of crack it open, talk about it
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and if I can't give you a solution at the
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: very least. What I try to do is give you
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: the right questions to ask yourself so that way you
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: feel better equipped to make the decision on your own.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: That is what we're trying to do. And I always
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: say that, like a good psychologist is one that doesn't
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: make you feel like they've solved your problems.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: But a good psychologist should make.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: You feel like you solved your own problems and you
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: kind of feel more empowered.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Because you were able to do that. So hopefully I'm
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: able to do that.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Not that I'm a psychologist per se. So as you
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: guys know, a head noise episode, I like to dive
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: straight into it. I want to answer three, maybe four
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: of your questions, so I'm not going to go into
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: any life updates or anything like that.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Let's just dive straight in.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Today is voice note head noise, and I love answering
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: these because I just really really enjoy listening to your
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: voices and the different accents from around the world. It's
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: really really cool and luckily here in Australia, I just
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: love it. Okay, let's begin. This one is called retroactive jealousy.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: I think we can so many of us can relate.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: Hi Alexis, I want to say thank you for your podcast.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: It's really saved my life, especially during my big breakup
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: in my twenties. I'm reaching out because I recently went
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: through a different breakup because of drunken infidelity. For a
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: bit of context, I struggled with retroactive jealousy for ten years,
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: went through that first breakup, and then established a secure.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: Life that I love.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: Along the way, I met a partner a few years
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: younger than me who moved to my city to be
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: with me when he didn't know anyone else here. We
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: had an incredibly supportive, communicative, trusting, and loving relationship which
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: I have never had before.
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: But a few days ago, he went out.
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: With a coworker and ended up becoming extremely intoxicated and
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: hooked up with the girl. He stopped it before it
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: got too sexually explicit and told me as soon as
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: you saw me, and we were both devastated. My question is,
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: how do I know I'm capable of rebuilding trust without
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: losing myself to jealousy again, or should I just walk
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: away and avoid that even potentially happening.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Thank you great question, and I'm really happy that you
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: sent that in because this is a topic that I
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: think I've touched on here and there, but it's just
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: given me the opportunity to talk about it again. So
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for sending that in. I hypothetically
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: think about these scenarios. I was gonna say all the time,
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: but I don't think about this all the time, but
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: occasionally I think about, you know, how would I respond
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: if my partner did that?
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: You know, what would that feel like?
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: And to be dead honest, it all comes down to
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: your overall relationship.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: With your partner.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: You said that you've got a really trusting loving It
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: sounds like a very secure relationship that you have with
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: your partner, right, And I can tell that it's that
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: way because what did he do the moment that.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: He cheated on you?
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: He went and told you, Now, we're not here to
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: applaud people for Oh well, at least he was honest.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Let's give him an award.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, But what I'm saying is that that
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: in and of itself is kind of an insight into
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: how he feels about the relationship and how he feels
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: about you. He wanted to tell you straight away. He
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: thought that the best thing was was complete honesty. Okay,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: so I think that's that is, like I genuinely believe
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: that is good foundations to potentially rebuild and work on it. Okay,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: you said he was genuinely devastated. There was remorse there.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: He's like, I fucked up. Obviously I shouldn't have done that.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I firstly, you're completely in your right to be heartbroken,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: and that's something that you will process and that's something
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: that you know.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: You have to give yourself time to go through it.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: And he also has to respect that in you. He
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: has to respect that. You can't just be like, well,
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: you're honest. Now I have to forgive you now. I
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: can never bring it up again, not at all. He
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: has to allow for you to process this. He has
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: to allow for you to say you do understand that.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: This now makes me feel insecure, right, and it also
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: makes me feel like I'm someone that you know, I
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: want to trust in a relationship. I don't want to
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: be like, oh my god, you can't go up for
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: work drinks like I want to have a secure relationship
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: and you doing that has really damaged that and it's
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: really kind of hindered, you know, me being able to
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: get to that place or at least get to that
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: place again, you know, and I'm sure he's very.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: Well aware of that. Okay, So I think it's very
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: fair that you do process it.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: You have your time to process it, you go through
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: the emotions of the hurt and everything, and he allows
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: that in you and you both have that space to
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: kind of feel what you need to feel.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: But having said that, I genuinely.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Do believe that I personally, and now I'm talking about
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: myself personally, this is not really advice. I would find
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: it much easier to forgive something like that then an
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: emotional affair or then a lie behind my back.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: I could live with someone.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I could live with my partner having a drunken, crazy
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: moment and then being really honest with me and we
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: kind of workshopping, why do you actually think that happened?
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: And how do we make sure that this doesn't happen again?
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: And do you think it's is there anything deeper that
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: is underlying this? And that was Yes, it was drunken,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: but really it's just still you and maybe was this
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: your outlet?
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: Was this whatever?
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: So you really break it down and you still talk
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: about it. I would much rather that any day of
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: the week, and I could actually, I think I could
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: live with that.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: I think I haven't gone through exactly that.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I've gone through full blown cheating, but I haven't gone
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: through like as im sorry, that is cheating. I've gone
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: through an affair. Someone having an affair, right, But to me,
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: that shows that they're willing to repair, they're willing to change,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: and they come straight to you.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: There's no lying, right.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: They went and did this behind your back but instantly
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: told you the truth. To me, trust is everything, and
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: while you while he broke your trust in the moment,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: he came straight to you because he respected that trust
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: between the two of you. So that's something that you
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: know does exist to an extent still in the relationship,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: as much as it might not feel like it right now.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: He obviously really values the trust. That's why he came
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: and told you and was honest instead of thinking maybe
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: i'll hide it, maybe she'll never find out, right, versus
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: going behind your back and the lie. I could never
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: get over the lie. I could never get over the deceit.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: I mean I could get over it, but not in
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: the relationship.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, I.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Can't be with you because you intended to deceive me.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Whereas this was not an intent to deceive. Okay, So,
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: in my personal opinion, based on what you've told me,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: I do think it is worth working through it with him.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: If you love him, I think this is an opportunity
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: for both of you to be vulnerable and work through it. However,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: if you feel genuinely feel I cannot move on from this.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: This is a stain on the relationship that will never
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: go away. And I know that every time we come
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: up across an issue, I'm going to hold this over
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: his head and it's then and if you're thinking also,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: it's an opportunity, like no, it's just not right for me,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: this has made me realized it's not right. Then of
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: course I think you should walk away. If it's causing
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: you so much animosity that you cannot see past it
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: and you think this is just tainted the relationship I
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: can't move past. Then it's to your benefit and his benefit,
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: but primarily your benefit to completely let it go and
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: find peace within yourself on your own.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Okay. But yeah, having said that, we are not excusing
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: his behavior.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, we're very complex beings.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: We are human at the end of the day, and
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: what I do value is honesty, and he was honest,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: so I think there is a lot of room for
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: repair and growth in a situation where your partner is honest.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: I find it really.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Difficult if there's lies and deceit, but that's not really
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: what happened here, So I think there's definitely opportunity here.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: And if he's as emotionally mature as it sounds like,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: then I think this relationship could have legs. Okay, hopefully
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that helped, but thank you, really thank you for sending
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: that in all right. Next one is called standing by decisions.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: Hey, Alexis, I would love your advice on this one.
• 10:10
  Speaker 5: I really seem to struggle with I guess like standing
• 10:14
  Speaker 5: by and my own decisions, and I guess like taking
• 10:18
  Speaker 5: ownership of my decisions without then backpedaling and questioning if
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: I've done the right thing.
• 10:24
  Speaker 4: This is in the context of a breakup. I've been
• 10:26
  Speaker 4: through many breakups before.
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: I way prefer being broken up with because I very
• 10:32
  Speaker 5: easily can just go, Okay, that's your Troy, I'm I'm
• 10:35
  Speaker 5: fucking out, It's all good.
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: Whereas when it's.
• 10:37
  Speaker 5: Me making that decision, I then will always seem to
• 10:41
  Speaker 5: like question if I've done the right thing, and maybe
• 10:44
  Speaker 5: I should try again when it's kind of like in
• 10:46
  Speaker 5: my hands and it's on me, and I just would
• 10:49
  Speaker 5: love some advice on how to actually stand by my
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: decisions and you know, like be able to accept that
• 11:01
  Speaker 5: I made that decision for a reason. I don't have
• 11:03
  Speaker 5: to keep going back and questioning it.
• 11:06
  Speaker 4: I'm really struggling.
• 11:07
  Speaker 5: I've recently broken up with someone, and I just keep
• 11:10
  Speaker 5: in my head thinking, oh, fuck, mab, I should try again.
• 11:13
  Speaker 5: And that's almost like I wish they would just be
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: the ones to tell me they don't want it, so
• 11:17
  Speaker 5: I can just be like, Okay.
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: Bye, it's yeah. I'm really very struggle with this and
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: I love your advice. Thank you so much.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: Okay, great question, fucking great question. Yeah.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Of course you feel that way, and I think a
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: lot of people not in the moment might not feel
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: that way. But when you look back retrospectively, I think, yeah,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: because the power is taken away from you, the decision
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: has been made for you, that the only thing for
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: you to do when someone breaks up with you is like, well,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: there's nothing I could do.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: It wasn't in my power.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So all I can do now is focus one hundred
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: percent on, getting over it, healing, moving on.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: It is what it is now.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I've got to make the best of this situation versus
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: exactly what you said.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: The power is in your hands.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: You have the power, especially when you break up with
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: when they still want you back.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: They're like, I'm here here if you need here. If
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: you like I'm here, I'm waiting, I'd love I want
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: you back.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: And You're like, not only have I had to make
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: this decision, but I have to break your heart.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: I have to feel what I don't have to, but I.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Do feel maybe maybe there's guilt for breaking the person's heart,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: or maybe there's the fear of regret. Will I regret
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: this later on? I'm the one that made the decision.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: When you get dumped, there's no possibility to regret. It
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: was not in your control, so you know, and I agree.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of very grateful that my massive heartbreaks were
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: me being dumped, because it really like.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, pull the rug from underneath me.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: But I never had to make a big decision, And
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: in hindsight, I'm like, thank god they ended that, you know,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: because that's not the relationship I think I would have
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: wanted for my future. So what I would recommend you
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: do is I want you to look at look at Okay,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: when you make a big decision in life, like you
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: made this decision, obviously there was a reason for making
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: that decision. I always ask myself what would it take
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: for me to stay? And what would it take for
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: me to leave? What would it take for me to
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: stay in this situation, this relationship, okay, and what would
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: it take for me to leave? What is the breaking point?
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: Let's say that there were certain incompatibilities and you thought,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I'm actually dating this person for their potential, but I'm
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: not actually really loving who they are right now.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: I see so much potential.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, how long am
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I gonna wait for that potential to be realized? This
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: is hypothetical. I don't know if that's exactly your scenario.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: How long am I gonna wait for that potential to
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: be realized? And I have to know what that looks like? Okay,
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: because some people wait forever and then they've done that
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: person then all of a sudden, that person realizes the potential,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: becomes the person you wanted to be with.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: But they do it without you. But the reality is
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: that probably would.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Have never done it with you for many reasons, for
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: many reasons, but often a breakup shake someone to their core,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: gets them to rock bottom. It allows them to grow
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: and blahla h. But that would have never happened with you. Okay,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: So that's that's an example. So when you say what
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: would it take for me to leave, you've got to say, Okay,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: if I don't see change by this point, or if
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I don't see that when I re quest something it's
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: not reciprocated, or at the very least I don't have
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: a really good conversation as to why it can't be reciprocated,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: then I realized that we're not on the same path,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: and then it's time for me to leave. Or you
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: could say, what would it take for me to stay?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: If by this point these things have happened, then I'm
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: willing to stay right and only you can answer those questions.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: But I think you already, without realizing it, had that
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: in your mind. It got to a point where you thought,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: this is not working.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: Out for me.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: Am I dading this person for their potential? Do I
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: realize that I'm with this person because they're just such
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: a legend? But in reality I don't want to spend
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: my life with this person. I don't feel this, you know,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: like crazy, you know, whether it's chemistry or whatever it is.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: I just think this person's a cool person, or it
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: could be you know, there's no one. You know, I've
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: dumped them. I was happy with them. But now that
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I'm sitting with it, I'm focusing on the void. Right
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I'm now focusing the fact that they're not in my
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: life and I'm not distracted. I haven't moved countries that
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I don't have someone that I'm dating. So there's this
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: really really big void and that's what I'm focusing on.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: And now that void in my life is making me doubt,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: oh was that the right decision, because there's this missing
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: piece right now, and until that missing piece gets filled up,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: either by you doing more things on your own, independently, moving,
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: changing something major, or dating someone new, which I don't
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: think dating someone new is the answer to getting over someone,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: but that's what a lot of.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: People end up doing.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Then you're going to fill that void, and then that's
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: where you're going to start to doubt yourself, doubt your decisions,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: doubt how you process things.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, so this is what you have to say what
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: could I be doing? Number one?
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: What can I do to fill this void? Because I
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: feel like focusing on the void is going to make
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: me doubt my decisions. Okay, every time you get rid
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: of something in your life, whether it's a person, whether
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: it's a friendship, whether it's a home, a possession, whatever
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: it is. Every time you get rid of something, you've
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: got to say, will this create a void? And if
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: the answer is yes, this will create a void? What
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: can I do to replace that void or to change
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: it up so I'm not sitting here in this empty
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: space missing or whatever. Is it a hobby, is it
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: something that a ritual? Is it something that changes in
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: my life that represents new like a new beginning? Okay,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: because if it's just an end and there's no new beginning,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: that's where you start focusing and thinking, I.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Missed it, I miss it, I regretted, I regret it,
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: and you're living in the past.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: You're living in the old you instead of stepping into
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: that new, new you that will kind of flourish once
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: you can embrace the fact that that chapter is over.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: Okay, that's number one.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: And then the other thing that I want you to
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: do is ask yourself those questions, you know, what would
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: it take for me to stay? What would it take
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: for me to leave? And say, well, why what was
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: it that put me to breaking point? And you have
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: the answer to that, You're like, well, you know it's
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: because of XYZX and this is why I couldn't stay
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: any longer.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: Well, then you're correct in ending it. Then you knew
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: what it took to leave. You actually pulled the pin.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Do you know how many people are in your position
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: that cannot pull the pin because they're waiting and waiting
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: and waiting and seeing or there's other people that will
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: wait until something better comes along. I need to know
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: that someone else can love me before. You actually better
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: off than you give yourself credit for. To be able
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: to stick to your guns and to end a relationship,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: you not only have done yourself a massive favor, but
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: you've done your ex a massive favor as well. That's
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: very It doesn't feel like it, but that's a huge
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: favor that you've done your ex because you're not wasting
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: your ex's time.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: It doesn't feel right for you.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: And instead of stringing this person along until something better
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: comes along for your own self esteem, you've done them
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: a favor. You've done the hard thing and you've said
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I can't do this, okay, and you've set them free.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Trust me, that's big. You should be applauding yourself. You
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: should genuinely be happy with yourself. It doesn't feel like
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: it's a finite decision. You might not feel, but instead
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: of like sitting there in doubt every self and trying
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: to shift that doubt, being like, you know what, this
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: is big of me, and I'm really proud that I
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: was able to do this. There's a reason. There is
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: a reason, and remind myself of the reason. That's why.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Now what am I going to do about that void?
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: How am I going to kind of have my rebirth
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: my re and then move forward? Because I made that
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: decision for a reason.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: Okay. I'm proud of you, and I wish more people could.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Make decisions like that. It's not easy to do, and
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: you did something that was not easy. You should be
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: proud of yourself and you actually did your ex a favor.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: You know, it's really nice when you don't waste someone
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: else's time for your own sake. And you haven't done that,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: so that's.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Really good.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Sense sense.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: Next one is called family won't accept me. The partner,
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: I think like the partner's family.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: Let's see, Hi, Alexis.
• 18:29
  Speaker 6: I'm going to get straight into the question because it's
• 18:31
  Speaker 6: a bit of a big one. I'm in a relationship
• 18:34
  Speaker 6: with a Muslim guy from a different country. I'm from Australia,
• 18:39
  Speaker 6: but I'm living in his country and working here, and
• 18:43
  Speaker 6: I've been living here for one year.
• 18:46
  Speaker 7: We've been together for two so we did the first
• 18:48
  Speaker 7: year long distance, and then I moved to his country
• 18:53
  Speaker 7: for the relationship, of course, but also i have very
• 18:55
  Speaker 7: good career here and I'm very happy with my life.
• 18:58
  Speaker 6: So I'm living by my self here because his family will.
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: Not accept us getting married. This is the next step.
• 19:07
  Speaker 6: By the way, it's not we can't live together without
• 19:10
  Speaker 6: being married, so his parents won't accept me.
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: This is the bomb drop.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: So what do I do?
• 19:18
  Speaker 4: What would you do? The relationship is perfect, everything is good.
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: Our communication is amazing.
• 19:24
  Speaker 6: Any issues that we have we resolve, you know, through conversation.
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: He's extremely generous. He's involved in my family.
• 19:35
  Speaker 6: I would love to be involved with his, but I
• 19:37
  Speaker 6: can't for obvious reasons.
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: He's attentive with my work. He comes to my work events,
• 19:43
  Speaker 4: so what's the next step for me? What do you think?
• 19:48
  Speaker 6: I would love to hear your advice, especially an outside
• 19:54
  Speaker 6: point of view.
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah, thank you, Oh.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: My god, great question.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: That is that's a that's a hard situation that you're
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: in and I'm really sorry. And he sounds like, from
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: what you're telling me, he sounds like the perfect partner
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: for you.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: You're very much aligned, You're very in love.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, a lot of this decision, I mean, I am
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: going to tell you what you what I would do
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: if I were you, But a lot of the ultimate
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: decision actually lies in your partner's hands, right, because you
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: can't tell your partner what he should or shouldn't do
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: in regards to his family. When the family says we
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: will not accept you, only he truly knows if it's like, oh,
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: eventually they'll come around, or if it's like no, no, no,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: they will never accept it. And this means that if
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: they don't accept you, I can't marry you because I'm
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: not willing to walk away from my family. I'm not
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: willing like would what's the repercussions? Is the repercussions if
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: he does choose you, it's you or them? Is that
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: what they mean by them not accepting you in the family,
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: is that they will cut him out if he chooses
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: to marry you.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: Is that it would just be really, really tense. But
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: eventually they will come around.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: So we don't exactly well, I mean, you may, I
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: don't exactly know what the repercussions are, but the repercussions
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: are ultimately going to affect him, okay in the sense
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: that because obviously you don't have a close relationship with
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: his family due to the fact that they don't accept you.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: You would like to, but that's not possible right now.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: And I obviously imagine this has something to do with
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: the fact that you don't share the same religion I believe,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: And when it comes to something where it's this you know,
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: belief system and morals, it is really hard to change
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: people's mind and it's really not your job to ultimately
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: change change people's minds. So as difficult as it is,
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: the ultimate decision of can we actually get married comes
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: down to your partner and is he willing to, you know,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: either have a lot of tension in his family or
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: lose his family over this? Like what what where does
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: he stand on this? You know, that's that's a huge
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: question that you got to ask yourself. And I'm sure
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: you have asked yourself a thousand times. So really, what
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: you can do is you.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: Have to make a decision.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: You have to make a decision thinking, you know what,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: ultimately do I want out of this? Do I want
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: to for the you know? Because like, where will this end?
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: How long can this go for? How long can this
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: go for? Where we're dating and not living together? Is
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: it going to be like this in ten years time?
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Will he be happy with that? Does he want children?
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: Would I be happy with that? Do I want to
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: start a family? Do I want to live with my partner?
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: Would I be happy with that? In ten years time?
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: You probably know? Right? Would I be happy with that?
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: In five years time? Probably not?
• 22:34
  Speaker 7: Right?
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: So you start really.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Fleshing out, Okay, where's the limit? Kind of what I
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: was saying in the last question about what would it
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: take for me to stay? What would it take for
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: me to live? Look at your future and say, what
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: is the absolute limit for this situation to stay the
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: way it is? If nothing were to change, if nothing
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: were to change, knowing what I know now, when will I.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: Pull the plug?
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Would it be now? Because if I knew if I
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: had a crystal ball and I knew nothing would change,
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: he wouldn't change. My partner would just keep doing what
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: he's doing, trying, like not really addressing the family thing.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: The family is never going to accept me. What would
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: I do?
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Would I leave today to save myself heartbreak later on?
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Would I leave in a year because I am just
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: having some you know, really enjoying the relationship that one.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: You know, if I knew it was going to end,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: only you can answer that question. But if you knew
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: it would never change.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: What would you do? What is your answer right now?
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: What would your answer be?
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: So I feel like that's the major question that you
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: need to ask yourself because that's going to give you,
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: hopefully a bit more clarity on Okay, Like, realistically, as
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: hard as this is, this is not the life that
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: I want for myself, Like I actually would like to
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: well live with my partner, have a future, get married,
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: maybe start a family, whatever it is that you want.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Okay, Now, the.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Next thing you have to do, once you've asked yourself
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: that question is you need to have a really important
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: conversation with your partner and you need to outline exactly
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: what it is that you want for your future and
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: when you would like that to kind of play out.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: Because a lot of the time, you're going to avoid
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: these conversations because you are avoiding breaking your own heart
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: if it means ending this relationship, it's something that you.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: Really don't want to do.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: In order to ultimately get what you want, you might
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: be really breaking your heart because you might have to
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: end this relationship, right because only the only thing that
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: you can control is if I stay in a situation
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: that I don't like, you know, tell my partner exactly
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: what I do want and hope that the outcome is
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: favorable for me, or I can control leaving. That's all
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: you can control. You can't control the family. You can't
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: control ultimately how he feels about the family, what he
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: ultimately chooses to do. That's all going to be on him.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: And you know that, like you can't. You know, it's
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: his family, and as much as he might disagree with
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: his family, he might not want.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: To completely cut them out.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: That's that's probably something he's not comfortable doing because I'm
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: sure you know he cares. He obviously loves his family
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: and cares about them, or he would have fucked them off.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: Ages ago saying you know, well fuck it, I don't care.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: We're gonna you know, that would be the case, we're
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: going to get married or whatever. So I think this
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: is a really important conver to have, you know, and say,
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: if you're not willing to not and I'm not wanting this,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: but if you're not willing to, you know, put me
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: as the priority and think, now, well, this is the
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: person I'm in love with. I'm going to marry her
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: no matter what the repercussions. Then really, what does a
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: few to look like? Really, what does it look like?
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: You can't force your parents to accept me. You can try,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: but are you going to try? And if you do,
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: how long do we give it? Because if they're never
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: going to accept me, are you ever going to marry me?
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: And if the answer is no, then how do you
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: feel about that?
• 25:31
  Speaker 7: Right?
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: And I think that ultimately you're going to have to
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: make a very very very very difficult decision if he
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: is not willing and like, no judgment here, but if
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: he's not willing to say, you know what, you are
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: my number one, I'm going to marry you, no matter
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: what the repercussions. If he can't do that because his
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: family just will not accept you. But he also doesn't
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: want to say goodbye to his family because of his family.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: Then that's when you need to walk away. That's when
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: you need to walk away because you know this is
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: all well and good. You could be waiting forever and
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: then one day, you know, as as horrible as it sounds,
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: and I don't want to pin this on your partner,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say that he would be like this,
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: but you know, if he's got all this pressure on him,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: so much pressure, so much pressure, so much pressure, you
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: could be waiting, waiting, waiting. It'd be years down the line,
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: hoping that things are going to change, hoping seeing this
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: potential whatever, and then never actually does change, and then
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: things end and then he finds someone that his family
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: except boom, He's happy, it's all working out for him.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: And here you are thinking, I could have ended this
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: a long time ago, and here I was waiting around, hoping, wishing,
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: waiting on the potential of the relationship when nothing would happen.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: So really it's up to him, but you have to
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: facilitate that conversation. You've got to kind of push him
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: to give you an answer of.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: What that would look like.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: So I really hate the situation that you're in, but
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: I am really glad that you are in that country
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: because your career is also doing well and you're loving it.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: That's really nice because then you're not going to feel
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: like I'm only here for you, like you are doing
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: it for yourself as well, which is a really good
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: position to be in because it's you know, good experiences,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: you're enjoying it, you know your career is going well,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: so that's awesome. I really hope that you can come
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: to a salute because it sounds like you do have
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: a really good thing going with him, and I do
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: find it so hard when these things, you know, different
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: belief systems and all of that like come into play
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: and you know, really get in between a very loving relationship.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: It's just sad. So I hate that you're going through that.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Guys, thank you so much for sending in your questions.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: That is the head Noise episode of today. If you
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: do want to send in your voice note head Noise,
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: you can go to dyfempod dot com and go to
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: the menu and there's a thing for voice notes, and
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: then if you prefer to email, then your questions and
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: then just email info at de wifempod dot com and
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: of course, as always remember becind to yourself, be caind
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone, and especially
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: don't take shit from yourself.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: Don't sense