Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E37 - When Kids Want to Quit Play Therapy: What Parents Need to Know

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S2E37 - When Kids Want to Quit Play Therapy: What Parents Need to Know · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you
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  insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Sabrina.
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  And Sabrina is asking about her daughter being in play therapy
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  and the process that has unfolded and some questions about it.
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  I know many of you are currently working with play therapists,
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  and I'm so happy about that.
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  And so I wanted to address this.
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  Sabrina,
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  thank you so much for the question.
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  So let me read parts of her email and then we'll dive in together.
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  My 10 year old daughter was going to therapy for less than a month.
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  She suddenly said she didn't want to go anymore,
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  but she would rather do journaling or the like with me.
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  I'm open to it,
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  but I'm unsure how to do this.
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  Listening to the episode on play therapy at home,
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  I find it hard to play because I don't know if I'm going
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  to get her to open up as she would in a therapy session
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  or see changes with just playing.
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  I've tried to encourage and remind about the time we allotted,
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  but it doesn't happen.
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  Will play really bring the results that I'm seeking?
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  Can you share your thoughts?
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  Sabrina,
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  this is a really helpful question,
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  so I'm really glad that you reached out.
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  So thank you.
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  OK.
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  So there's so many layers here.
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  So we're going to dive in and unpack them one at a time.
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  So let's start with the
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  main question that you're having is,
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  will play really bring the results that you're seeking?
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  So,
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  in the grand scheme of things,
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  the answer is yes,
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  but there are caveats.
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  So essentially
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  we do know that children work through everything that they need to
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  through their play.
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  So yes,
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  the,
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  the grand scheme answer is kids will work through stuff through their play.
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  However,
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  the missing component of a child playing
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  and not having other requirements
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  are the special relationship and the special environment.
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  So does your daughter have a special relationship with you?
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  Yes.
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  Can you create a special environment
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  in which she can
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  heal and sort through her things and process things?
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  Yes,
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  we call this the time,
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  the tools,
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  and the opportunity.
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  So there has to be consistent time,
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  there has to be tools which are
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  the playroom and the toys inside
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  and the opportunity created by the relationship.
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  So yes,
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  it's possible.
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  Without you being fully adherent and without you
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  really deeply understanding the skills and the principles
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  and interacting with her in therapeutic ways,
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  you will probably not get the results that you're seeking.
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  Now there is a filial program,
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  fancy word for family play therapy.
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  Which teaches parents
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  to use all of the skills and do play sessions at home.
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  That's called child parent relationship training.
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  Parents that complete that
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  and do play sessions at home,
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  there is success and they do see the results that they were hoping for,
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  but that's a 10 week parent training program
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  versus just
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  sitting down and playing.
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  So I wanna be really clear.
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  Does play heal?
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  Does play help?
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  Does play have significance for children?
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  Absolutely.
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  But
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  there are components that are required as well.
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  So they need to have the relationship,
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  they need to have the environment,
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  the time,
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  the tools,
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  and the opportunity.
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  OK,
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  so Sabrina,
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  you said that your 10 year old daughter was going to therapy for less than a month.
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  All right.
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  I'm not sure if you were
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  given the phases before you started play therapy,
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  but one of the things that we talk about a lot with parents.
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  Is that there are 4 phases of treatment.
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  The first is initiation and warm up.
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  We're essentially building rapport,
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  relationship,
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  bond,
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  trust,
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  all those things.
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  We're a stranger to your child when they first come to us.
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  So it typically takes 4 to 5 weeks
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  before the child knows what to expect,
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  feels comfortable with us,
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  has built a relationship with us,
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  feels connected enough that they can start the process.
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  However,
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  I'm hopeful that you were told that the second phase is resistance.
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  So for those of you that are actively working with a
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  play therapist or you're considering play therapy for your child,
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  which
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  most helpful thing you could do if your child is under 12,
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  by the way.
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  But
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  here's what I need you to know just in case this was missed or not communicated.
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  The second phase is resistance,
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  and resistance is
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  universal across all age ranges.
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  This is not just unique to children.
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  Adults do it too in therapy.
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  We say,
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  I don't wanna do this.
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  This is too hard,
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  this is too much.
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  This is too difficult,
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  this is too deep.
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  This is too scary,
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  this is too overwhelming.
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  I hate these feelings.
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  I hate having to go through this.
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  I'd rather just avoid it altogether.
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  We all do this
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  when we're in therapy.
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  So,
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  Sabrina,
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  it sounds very much so like your daughter hit resistance
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  and says,
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  I don't want to go anymore because it seemed too much.
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  This is a normal,
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  natural,
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  appropriate part of the process.
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  And when we think about phases,
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  so we have initiation,
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  then we have resistance.
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  Resistance is the gateway.
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  Resistance is something that we have to overcome.
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  And once we realize
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  I'm strong enough,
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  I'm brave enough,
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  I'm capable enough I can face this I trust myself.
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  I know that I need to do this,
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  all of those things.
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  It's a wrestling.
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  It's an internal battle that goes on.
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  And once the child says,
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  OK,
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  yes,
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  I can handle this.
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  Then
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  that's when they dive into the 3rd phase,
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  which is work.
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  And this is where the bigger changes start to take place.
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  So Sabrina,
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  it sounds as though your daughter hit resistance pretty hard after the 4th week,
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  which is very closely aligned to the standard.
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  So it's usually 4 to 5 weeks for initiation
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  and then resistance hits.
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  So when she says she doesn't want to go,
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  she'd rather do journaling with you or just hang out with you.
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  That's safe.
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  That's easy.
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  That is avoiding,
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  and it's an escape
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  from facing what she needs to face.
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  Kids know what they need to work on.
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  But it's hard and it's scary and it's too much sometimes.
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  So she says,
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  I don't want to do this
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  and
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  by
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  her saying I don't want to go to therapy anymore,
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  she is avoiding
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  the work that she needs to do.
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  Now,
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  I'm going out on a limb here,
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  Sabrina,
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  you did not share this with me.
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  But I've worked with kids for 20 years and I know patterns and I know how things go.
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  My gut tells me she's a highly anxious child.
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  And so when you have high levels of anxiety,
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  you try to control what you have control over
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  so she doesn't have control over her anxiety,
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  she doesn't have control over her feelings,
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  she doesn't have control over the circumstances,
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  but she can control
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  not
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  making everything worse in her mind.
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  So no,
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  I'm just not gonna do this therapy thing.
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  High levels of anxiety almost always have high levels of resistance.
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  So when a child just says,
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  no,
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  I'm not doing this.
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  I'm never coming back.
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  I'm not getting out of the car.
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  I'm not going in there.
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  I will not play.
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  I will not talk,
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  I will not do anything.
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  It's a grasp at control
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  because control
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  is the mitigation of anxiety.
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  Anxiety makes you feel powerless.
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  Taking control where you can makes you feel that you have some power.
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  So Sabrina,
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  it sounds as though
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  I,
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  I suspect she was highly anxious.
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  She used her control to say,
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  I don't want to do this anymore,
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  but here's what we need to know as parents.
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  This is really important.
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  If you all are considering play therapy or you're actively in
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  play therapy and or if you have a highly anxious child,
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  this is really important.
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  What happens is when we have highly anxious people in our lives,
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  specifically children.
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  The entire family structure starts to bend
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  to the anxiety.
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  We learn to concede,
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  we learn to give in,
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  we learn to not fight certain battles,
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  we learn to walk on eggshells,
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  we learn to tiptoe.
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  And all we want is for the big feelings and the high
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  levels of anxiety to go away cause it makes everything easier.
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  So what we end up doing is,
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  OK,
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  OK,
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  OK,
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  that's fine.
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  Because forcing her to go
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  would cause upheaval,
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  forcing her to go would cause a meltdown.
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  Forcing her to go would cause an hour-long fight.
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  So we learn
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  to acquiesce and just say,
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  OK,
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  OK,
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  OK,
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  that's fine.
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  And
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  with good intentions and
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  for preservation of sanity,
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  I completely understand.
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  But here's what happens when we do that.
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  When you have a highly anxious kid,
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  a big feeling kid,
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  avoiding doing something that's scary.
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  By saying,
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  OK,
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  you don't have to do that.
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  We are reinforcing the anxiety.
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  We are reinforcing the power grab.
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  And we are communicating to children
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  that they don't have to face the things that are overwhelming to them.
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  They develop learned helplessness.
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  They developed no sense of their own problem
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  solving and their own capacity to address things.
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  And
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  we actually become complicit
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  in the idea of
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  fight or flight.
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  So,
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  Sabrina,
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  the most helpful thing that you can do.
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  Is to get her back in therapy.
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  Because
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  allowing her to avoid it,
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  allowing her to resist it,
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  and just,
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  she doesn't have to go anymore.
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  You can see how that reinforces when something feels too big,
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  too scary,
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  too overwhelming,
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  just run the other way.
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  And that's not coping,
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  it's not resilience,
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  it's not problem solving,
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  it's not trusting herself.
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  It,
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  it's so many things that we need as adults we to be functional adults,
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  we need to know that we can face difficult things.
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  We need to know that we have the capacity to handle
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  situations.
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  We need to know that we can problem solve.
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  We need to know that we can trust ourselves.
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  We need to believe in our coping skills.
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  There are so many lifelong lessons that are
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  learned when kids have to face their stuff.
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  And so,
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  Sabrina,
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  I really appreciate the question.
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  I think this is helpful for so many people
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  and
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  we really just have to
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  reflect feelings.
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  And set neutral limits.
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  So here's what that would look like.
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  You really don't want to go to therapy,
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  but we have
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  weekly appointments on Tuesdays at 4.
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  You can choose what you do when we're there,
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  but we're going to the appointment.
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  So when you get there,
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  if she chooses not to go back to the playroom,
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  if she chooses to sit in the lobby,
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  if she chooses not to speak,
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  if she chooses to cry,
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  if she chooses to throw herself on the floor and kick and scream,
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  whatever it is,
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  she is ultimately in control of what happens at play therapy,
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  but
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  going
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  is a necessity.
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  In other words,
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  that's not part of the choice.
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  It's not you can choose to go or you can choose not to go.
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  It's we're going.
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  But you can choose to play or not to play when we get there.
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  You can choose to talk or not to talk when we get there.
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  So it shifts to a neutral limit,
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  but she needs to feel heard and validated.
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  It's scary
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  to go and
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  and do stuff that is new.
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  It feels like it's a lot
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  to go and play with this person every week.
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  You're not sure if you like this.
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  You're upset about going.
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  You feel unsure.
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  Etc.
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  etc.
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  She needs to be validated,
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  but then neutral limit is we have appointments scheduled on Tuesdays at 4
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  and that becomes the non-negotiable.
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  So Sabrina,
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  I hope that's helpful to you and everyone else.
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  Thank you so much for the question.
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  If you all would like to reach out to me,
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  I'd love to hear from you,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  By the way,
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  I don't mention this often,
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  but I know there are new podcast listeners all the time.
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  So first of all,
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  welcome.
• 12:08
  So glad that you're here.
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  Season 2
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  is about almost 40 episodes in,
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  so if you are a new listener and you've been listening to season 2,
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  we did a little bit of a primer refresher at the beginning of season 2,
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  and we've been answering a lot of questions,
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  but
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  season one has more than 100 episodes
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  of all things play therapy,
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  child-centered play therapy,
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  parenting approaches,
• 12:32
  tips,
• 12:33
  strategies,
• 12:33
  tricks.
• 12:34
  So if you would like to go back and listen to season one,
• 12:37
  there's a wealth of information there.
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  You can just search for episodes and topics,
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  and then you're able to pinpoint specific
• 12:44
  things that have been addressed and discussed.
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  So if you're struggling
• 12:47
  and you're wondering if there's a podcast episode,
• 12:49
  there likely is.
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  So just search what you're curious about and see if in season 1 or season 2,
• 12:55
  there will be an episode for you.
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  All right,
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  I appreciate you all so much.
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  Thank you for hanging out with me each week.
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  We'll talk again soon.
• 13:02
  Bye.
• 13:02
  Thank you for listening to
• 13:04
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 13:08
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:11
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.