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How do narcissists experience guilt or remorse? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:01
  So you see it, haven't you? That split second with her eyes,
• 0:05
  like soften. And you think, finally, finally
• 0:09
  they see what they did to me. Finally they understand what
• 0:13
  they're putting me through. And then out of nowhere, they
• 0:17
  explode, right? They tell you it's your fault
• 0:21
  they cheated or your fault they lied, your fault.
• 0:24
  They put their hands on you. It's all your fault.
• 0:28
  Look, as a diagnosed narcissist, I can tell you right now that
• 0:33
  narcissist might feel guilty for a second, for a moment, for a
• 0:37
  few minutes, but the mind cannot stay there.
• 0:40
  It's way too painful. Accountability is painful.
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  Guilt is painful. So the mind does automatically
• 0:48
  does these mental gymnastics, these mental backflips of sort
• 0:52
  to make you the bad guy, to deflect the blame to you or to
• 0:57
  someone else in close vicinity to my mom, my dad, whoever it
• 1:00
  is, my boss at work, whoever it is, it can't be me, right?
• 1:04
  Today, let's talk about why narcissists can't sit sit with
• 1:08
  guilt or remorse y'all. Now tell me about the intro, the
• 1:12
  intro league. The intros are fire drop a drop
• 1:15
  a fire emoji if you like how I'm approaching these videos now,
• 1:17
  y'all, And of course, I truly appreciate every single one of
• 1:20
  y'all and the podcast interviews are coming back next week,
• 1:22
  y'all. I just had to take a break and
• 1:24
  you know, get some editing stuff done to them and whatnot, but
• 1:26
  they come back next week. But let's let's hop right into
• 1:28
  it, y'all. Let's hop directly into it.
• 1:30
  Like for a normal person, like maybe like yourself, but I used,
• 1:35
  I used the word normal loosely, like normal, like I'll use it
• 1:39
  loosely, right? For a normal person, guilt
• 1:42
  typically leads to an apology and perhaps most times some
• 1:47
  changed behavior, right? But for a narcissist like
• 1:51
  myself, guilt leads to shame. It feels like shame.
• 1:55
  Guilt opens up the door for me to feel bad about myself, make
• 1:58
  me feel like I'm a bad person and stop it.
• 2:03
  I know what you're thinking, Lee.
• 2:04
  If you do something horrible, you are a bad person.
• 2:06
  Yeah, true. But narcissists don't want to
• 2:09
  feel like a bad people. I know that.
• 2:11
  And I know that sounds crazy. Like as a narcissist saying it
• 2:14
  out loud, I know it sounds ridiculous.
• 2:16
  I know it sounds stupid to just be like, well, Lee, you keep
• 2:18
  doing bad things, but you don't think you're a bad person.
• 2:21
  Not if I can blame you for it. Not if I can put the blame on
• 2:26
  you. You see how that goes right
• 2:27
  there? You see the technicalities that
• 2:29
  you go through when you're dealing with somebody who has
• 2:31
  this type of mindset, right? Right.
• 2:33
  You get it out, don't you? Right.
• 2:35
  So if the guilt leads to me feeling deep shame, and shame
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  feels like a damn death sentence to narcissistic people.
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  Shame feels like a death to the ego.
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  The ego has been taken out, taken out back and shot firing
• 2:53
  squad. That's what guilt feels like.
• 2:54
  It feels like you're lining up all the things that I've done
• 2:58
  wrong and you're shooting me with it.
• 3:00
  You're shooting my ego. You destroyed my ego.
• 3:03
  The ego has a death sentence, right?
• 3:05
  The electric, the electric care electric chair, right?
• 3:11
  So that's why a lot of narcissists can't admit that
• 3:13
  they're wrong. If I admit that I'm wrong, I
• 3:16
  have to admit that I'm not perfect, right?
• 3:20
  And that admission again, feels like a death sentence because
• 3:24
  like, if I'm not perfect, I damn near feel worthless, right?
• 3:28
  If I'm not perfect, I'm worthless.
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  And I don't want to feel worthless.
• 3:32
  When I feel worthless, I hide, I attack myself.
• 3:34
  I do things like that. My brain cannot and will not let
• 3:38
  me feel like worthless. And that's, that's not how it
• 3:41
  works. That's not how a narcissistic
• 3:43
  mind works. I don't want to feel worthless.
• 3:45
  So I have to do the mental gymnastics, the mental Simone
• 3:49
  Biles, Dominique Dawes, Karis, Shrug.
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  Right? Old school, the old school
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  Olympic gymnastics, women gymnastics, the character, all
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  the all the girl back in the day right there.
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  It goes right there. So in essence, when I feel
• 4:03
  guilt, like or your narcissistic partner might experience guilt,
• 4:07
  they feel it right. They really feel it.
• 4:10
  It just and sometimes, but like they can feel it.
• 4:13
  Like I said earlier, it could be a couple minutes, could be a
• 4:15
  couple hours, whatever the case may be, it could be as quick as
• 4:17
  a damn lightning strike. And then no lightning strike is
• 4:21
  like, damn, that was quick. Yes, yes, they might be silent
• 4:25
  for a moment. They might turn red for a
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  moment. They might start these shocks
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  for a moment and look at you like, damn, I really hurt you.
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  But then the eyes change and they go back to who they were.
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  They go back to doing what they were doing right.
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  So it lasted bought as long as the damn lightning strike.
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  Then the defense mechanism kicks in, like in the defense
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  mechanism now I'm talking about it's literally, literally the
• 4:49
  mental gymnastics, right? And mental gymnastics encompass
• 4:53
  everything we like. When you think of gymnastics,
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  what do you think of? You don't think you're just one
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  thing, right? What do you think of You think
• 4:58
  of gymnastics, the floor routine, the pommel horse, the
• 5:04
  uneven bars, the parallel bars, all that stuff.
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  You think of all that stuff in gymnastics.
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  So that's one thing that narcissists do right there.
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  The mental gymnastics is not just one thing.
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  It could be a few different things.
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  One way is literally to rewrite the story, right?
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  They can rewrite the damn story. Like in in my mind when I'm
• 5:23
  rewriting the story of what happened, my mind starts looking
• 5:28
  for a reason why I did it. And the reason is sometimes a
• 5:32
  wild crazy ass example. A wild crazy ass excuse, right?
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  Like I only yelled because you wouldn't stop talking, huh.
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  I know you like wait, what? I only yelled because you
• 5:50
  wouldn't stop talking. I only lied because I knew you
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  couldn't handle the truth. You see what I'm saying?
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  I only lied when you used to, when you could, when I knew.
• 6:00
  I knew you couldn't handle the truth, so I lied to you.
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  I know if I told you I was cheating, you would leave, like
• 6:05
  you wouldn't sit down and talk to me.
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  That's why I had to lie to you. If I told you I was drinking
• 6:10
  again or smoking or watching porno, I knew you wouldn't like
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  it. You wouldn't like you wouldn't
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  like that. So I didn't want to hurt you,
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  you see. So in this situation, right
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  there, within minutes, within minutes, I have successfully or
• 6:23
  that narcissist has successfully convinced themselves that
• 6:27
  they're the victim of you. You're the antagonist now.
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  You are the perpetrator. You're the narcissist, you're
• 6:35
  the abuser, right? You're too sensitive.
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  You're nagging like I'm not the attacker anymore.
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  You are. I convinced that I'm defending
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  myself. My yelling at you telling you to
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  shut the F up is me defending myself against your attack.
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  You see how they work? You see how the mental
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  gymnastics work in that situation.
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  My yelling is me defending myself, right?
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  So I rewrite the story in my head.
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  I do things like that. I, I go about it like this right
• 7:08
  here. Like, and not only do they do
• 7:10
  like do the mental gymnastics come with rewriting the story?
• 7:14
  A lot of times what happens is they do the reverse, right?
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  They do the reverse of the situation.
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  This is the part that drives you crazy.
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  It literally can drive you crazy in this part right here.
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  Because now that I've successfully shifted the blame
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  in my own head, what I need to do now is convince you of it.
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  Now when I now, when I reverse everything, I feel justified.
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  Now I can stand on whatever I did yes, I cheated yes I lied
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  yes I did this yes I did that yes I didn't do this.
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  You see what I'm saying? No, I didn't do this yes I
• 7:53
  didn't do this coming out tomorrow, but like no, I didn't
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  do that I'm not going to do that.
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  You know what I'm saying? Now I feel justified so I
• 8:00
  reversed everything because I reverse victim offender DARVO.
• 8:04
  Y'all hear the DARVO? Y'all hear the DARVO right?
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  I reverse victim offender. Now I'm the victim.
• 8:09
  I reversed it, and guess what ends up happening when I reverse
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  it, right When I feel justified, when I feel like the victim,
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  guess what I do? I start demanding an apology
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  from you. Now you got to apologize to me
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  for something that I might have done to you.
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  Isn't that crazy as hell? You got to apologize to me for
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  something that I done to you, something I put you through.
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  You got to apologize to me for that.
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  Right now, you got to apologize to me for cheating on you.
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  You got to apologize for me for making me feel bad about what I
• 8:41
  did. How dare you make me feel bad
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  for cheating. How dare you make me feel bad
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  for putting my hands on you. How dare you.
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  How dare you, How dare you, you know, So this one goes on.
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  And because you're an empath or a highly sensitive person or an
• 8:56
  impact, a highly empathetic person, you often give in to
• 9:02
  just stop the fighting, right? You give in because you want the
• 9:06
  fighting to stop. You don't want to argue anymore.
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  You don't want to fuss anymore. So you end up apologizing to me,
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  to me, to the narcissist, to your abuser.
• 9:16
  You apologize to them. And once you apologize, you
• 9:19
  can't take it back. Imagine apologizing for
• 9:24
  cheating, getting cheated on, and then that narcissist feels
• 9:27
  like they're justified. Now I will.
• 9:28
  Now you know, you pushed me into the booty of the other girl.
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  Now you made me go hop on the other man's unit.
• 9:36
  You made me do that, not me. I did.
• 9:38
  You get I didn't do that on my own.
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  You pushed me to that. Now say sorry for making me go
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  get pregnant by somebody else. Say sorry for making me go get
• 9:45
  somebody else pregnant. Say sorry.
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  Got you. You saw what happened right
• 9:50
  there. So yeah, you like stop waiting.
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  And I know some people. That's what what I'm doing.
• 9:57
  My one on ones over Zoom mental illness.net.
• 10:00
  That's why I heard a lot of people do.
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  A lot of people get stuck waiting for this person to feel
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  remorseful, waiting for the guilt to kick in for them to
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  feel remorseful. You end up waiting you and you
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  end up waiting forever. You want to know that you
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  mattered because if a person feels guilty, that means you
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  mattered. If a person can experience
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  remorse, that means you mattered, right?
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  So they can't experience guilt and maybe remorse, but it's very
• 10:20
  minute and it's very quick, right?
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  They don't want to sit in it, right?
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  Like, so some, a lot of times you're waiting, like you're
• 10:27
  waiting around for them to have some type of epiphany, right?
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  Because the epiphany might make them feel guilt.
• 10:33
  That epiphany might make them feel remorse, right?
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  You want them to be able to get to that point after that
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  epiphany, to be able to sit in the guilt, to be able to sit in
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  the remorse. But narcissists don't do that,
• 10:44
  right? Most of them don't do that.
• 10:47
  Like our brains are wired to protect us at all cost, whether
• 10:53
  it be at the expense of somebody else, the destruction of this
• 10:57
  relationship. My brain is wired to defend me,
• 10:59
  to protect me. So you are looking for a human
• 11:01
  response from a narcissistic, I know y'all missed the darkness
• 11:10
  as they grow, but but you're looking for a human response for
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  an inhuman brain, like the brain is not working like yours does.
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  Like we're trying to survive. We're trying to protect our
• 11:18
  egos. Like you're waiting for a you're
• 11:20
  waiting for humanity from an ego based person.
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  And you won't get that from somebody who's based, who
• 11:25
  operates from a place of ego, you know.
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  So stop looking for them to feel bad and start feeling good.
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  Start feeling good about your own boundaries.
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  You're standing up for yourself. You being able to hold your
• 11:36
  ground in any situation right here.
• 11:38
  You being able to not engage with them.
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  You damn certain, damn certain not apologizing to somebody who
• 11:44
  hurt you. Hell no, Hell no, we're not.
• 11:47
  We definitely not doing that. We're not apologizing to
• 11:50
  somebody who hurt us. Hell no.
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  We are not doing that. You know what I'm saying?
• 11:54
  That's not something that we're going to do.
• 11:57
  There's not something that we're interested in, y'all.
• 11:59
  Anyway, y'all, if you haven't already, make sure you hit that
• 12:02
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• 12:08
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• 12:11
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• 12:14
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• 12:16
  And as always, y'all as always been doing this out.
• 12:19
  Peace.