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Trauma vs. Incompatibility: How to Tell the Difference · Trauma Free Relationship

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Today we're going to talk about trauma versus incompatibility.
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And the reason I think this is worthy of a topic is because if
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I had a dime for every time a couple came in and said to me,
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we're just so different. We're just so different.
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Well, of course you're different.
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And part of those differences are what attracted you to each
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other because there was something both of you needed
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from each other. That's oftentimes why people who
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are more anxiously attached find somebody who's more avoidantly
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attached and vice versa. And so those differences aren't
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necessarily bad, but that doesn't necessarily mean that
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either your trauma doesn't get triggered at times or it doesn't
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necessarily mean that it's incompatibility.
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So today we're going to dive in and we're going to discover
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which is which. Now, before we dive in, don't
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forget to download your free trauma assessment and then liner
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notes below. And if you want any help with
1:03
implementation of any of the tools or techniques we talked
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about on the show, feel free to sign up for a clarity call or we
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can help you bring focus to your healing strategy and help you
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outline your next steps. Welcome to trauma free
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relationship. I'm Tom Philp, your host, and
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I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
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relational trauma to regain trust in themselves and others
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so that they can experience a safe and secure relationship.
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Let's get started. OK.
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As I mentioned at the opening, we're going to talk about
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compatibility today versus trauma and, and what those
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differences might be. I see both in, in working with
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individuals as well as couples where there are certainly times
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that it feels like traumas being triggered and it feels painful
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and it feels like there's just these huge differences.
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And I certainly see times where there is incompatibility as
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well. But I don't think often times
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couples always distinguish which is which.
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So I thought this was worthy of a deeper dive with trauma, and
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this is important here. With trauma, your early
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relationships have been defined by a lack of emotional
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availability and attunement. And what that does is that is
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taught your nervous system to adapt to that.
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And so early relationships are often teaching the nervous
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system what love feels like. And then of course those nervous
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systems are are brought into adulthood through maturity.
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And then now all of a sudden we find ourselves in adult
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relationship and so we can we can re experience what felt like
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a wound back then in our current relationships.
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And as a result, trauma can create some false signals
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sometimes and it can create a sense of calm, which actually
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then feels like something boring and unsafe.
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An interesting phenomenon that I've seen is where there's
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sometimes people, and I see this more with females and males,
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they, they actually kind of like and are drawn towards the bad
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boy because the drama they've experienced at home is what
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their nervous system has adjusted to.
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And so the guy that feels safe actually feels boring.
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And so they're actually drawn to more of the unsafe person
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because that somehow lights up their nervous system.
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That somehow tells our nervous system, Oh yeah, we know how to
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deal with this. We know what this is like.
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And in some ways it gives them a dopamine rush.
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And so it feels very exciting because it's also very familiar.
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And, and the opposite can happen.
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Intensity can sometimes feel like chemistry.
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And so sometimes when we I've seen people with past trauma get
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into relationships, it's really intense in the beginning.
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And so they mistake that for, Oh my gosh, there is this deep
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connection. Nobody has experienced this like
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we have experienced this. And so sometimes that intensity
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often can feel like chemistry or get replaced with what they
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think is chemistry when actually what's happening is your nervous
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system is adapting or lighting up over what it had to adapt to.
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So you know, some key distinctions here, right?
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Trauma is about, it's a survival based reaction.
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Our nervous system has adapted as a way to survive to a
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particular environment or person.
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Where is trauma also is very much about safety and security.
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Compatibility is different. Compatibility is very much about
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values, needs, and the capacity for emotional alignment.
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Let me say that again, because that's very different than
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safety and security. It's about compatibility is
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about values and needs as well as the capacity for emotional
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alignment. And so these two can sometimes
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look similar in a relationship. Let me give you example.
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One of the ways I think about this is let's let's say you have
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a pair of shoes and you put on these pairs of shoes.
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And regardless of what pair of shoe you have on, it could be a
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running shoes, they could be your athletic shoes, ballet
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shoes. It doesn't matter if your ankle
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is sprained, then it doesn't matter what pair of shoes you
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put on because you're going to walk with a limp.
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The pain is going to be real. But the shoe isn't the problem.
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The ankle is the problem. And so often times when trauma
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shows up in a relationship, it's not the shoe that's the bad fit.
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It's because trauma has been triggered and needs to be worked
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on and healed in order for then for the incompatibility issues
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to be addressed. Whereas incompatibility is more
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like a shoe that that is a size too small.
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It's simply doesn't fit and no amount of rest or stretching or
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healing of the ankle is going to make that shoe fit because that
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shoe is simply too small, regardless of, of how well the
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ankle is healed and back to, to normal functioning in that
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sense. So I, I hope that's a little bit
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of a metaphor here that we can talk about when we're looking at
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this idea of compatibility versus a trauma reaction coming
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up in the relationship. Because trauma is very much
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around centered around safety and security in a relationship
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where is compatibility is very much about fit.
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And so there are some comma trauma driven experiences.
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We can have strong reactions to small ruptures.
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And I see this a lot where somebody's trauma ends up being
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a whole nother layer that gets heaped on a rupture in the
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relationship. The rupture may be a small
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misunderstanding, but instead of being able to contain it to that
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that particular area, what happens then is a trauma is
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triggered and there becomes this whole nother layer of this
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reaction to that small rupture. Oftentimes for trauma, it can
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the feeling can be too much or not enough, right?
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And this falls right into our categories of anxious or voidant
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styles of attachment. The feeling is not enough.
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Downplaying the feeling, tuning out the feeling, disassociating
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from the feeling, or it's just feeling too much.
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It's completely overwhelming. So that we're not really sure of
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what we're feeling. We can't organize it to get to
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the root of the problem. Rather, there's just so much
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anxiety that's going on. It just feels too global, if you
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will, just too massive and overwhelming.
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So again, we're talking about these trauma types of responses
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in a relationship that are different from compatibility.
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So this is all about to extend our metaphor here.
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This is all about the the hurt ankle.
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This is all about the sprained ankle that we're trying to
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address that can show up in the relationship, such as the urge
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to flee after closeness or commitment.
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That might feel like your autonomy, your independence, is
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now being threatened. And so there might be a urge to
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flee or not to commit for the fear of being tied down because
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somehow that would steal your sense of competence and steal
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your sense of autonomy for yourself.
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Another one's confusion, anxiety with intuition.
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So being able to draw on your gut about what you truly feel
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and use that to inform you of, of information and decisions
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that you need to make. But rather, again, there's just
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too much global anxiety that it feels like you can't organize
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it. It feels just too overwhelming.
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And then finally, I think interpreting neutral behavior as
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rejection. I texted my partner.
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It's been 2 hours. They haven't texted me back.
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I knew it. Once again, I'm unimportant to
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this person. They never respond to me when I
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need. They're blowing me off.
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They're rejecting me. And this is this is triggering
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something much deeper than Oh well, they're, they did tell me
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they had this long meeting today.
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Maybe they're just stuck in this meeting.
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Maybe it's not about me. And so those are just some
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examples of how trauma might actually show up in the
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relationship. And it might be more like the
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sprained ankle as opposed to the shoe not fitting.
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And so often times we can ask ourselves, is my reaction
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proportional to the present moment or is this familiar from
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my past? Remember, when we have trauma,
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having flashbacks is not just about a visual flashback or even
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cognitive thinking we hear something.
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But really the more common flashbacks are emotional types
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of flashbacks, flashbacks where the emotion feels very similar
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to something we have felt in the past.
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And so one of the ways we can ask ourselves is this trauma
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versus incompatibility is to ask ourselves, is this reaction
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proportional? Now, sometimes we can only truly
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answer that question when we have pulled ourselves back into
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the window of tolerance, back into a place where we're more
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calm, we're not so flooded, we're not in fight or flight.
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And as a result, we can integrate our cognition and our
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emotion. And then oftentimes we can see
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and be more grounded and more clear and more connected to
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ourselves to really be able to evaluate, Oh yeah, this makes
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perfect sense. This kind of was an
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overreaction. I really did get pretty
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defensive. And I can see how now that that
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was sort of disproportionate to the situation.
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And so as a result, I can see maybe that was more of my trauma
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that got triggered and a whole nother layer I put on there as
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opposed to just dealing with it outright.
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So that's a little bit about how trauma shows up.
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Now. Let's talk about what happens if
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the shoe is too small. No matter how healthy the ankle
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and the leg are, if the shoe is too small, it's just not going
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to be a fit. And so there can be an ongoing
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misalignment in incompatibility between you and your partner.
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And one of those misalignments can be with values.
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So one person might love the outdoors, whereas the other one,
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their whole idea of a vacation is five star hotels and lying on
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the beach, reading a book, getting in suntan and and going
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to fine dining. And there's nothing wrong with
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either of those. But if we never have a balance
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between the two, if the other person never gets to go out
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camping or hiking or to share something that they value with
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the other person, then that can feel like an incompatibility
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over time. And that's just one small
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example of different values. Certainly a lot of times you'll
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see a a value difference around money in relationships.
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Or one partner is a spender and the other partner is more of a
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saver. And one partner feels like, you
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know what, we could always make more money.
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It's no big deal. We can't take us with this one.
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We die. We might as well enjoy some of
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it while we're here, while we're living, while we're around.
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And the other partner says, yeah, but if we don't save
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money, then we don't have a little nest egg for the kind of
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future we want. And I don't want to have to work
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to the bone, you know, the rest of my life.
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I want to be able to retire and enjoy it and have the kind of
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lifestyle that we really enjoy and so on and so forth.
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So those can kind of be value differences as well.
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There can be life direction differences where maybe one
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person wants kids and the other person doesn't, or one person
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might want to eventually move out to the country and the other
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person wants to stay in in the big city, so to speak.
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So we can have different values around what our shared future
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looks like. And that certainly can creep
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into what a what those conversations might be for what
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retirement or empty nesting might look like for us as we get
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older. Certainly we can have emotional
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availability that can be misaligned.
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One person needs closeness and more connection, more quality
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time. The other person is fine with
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more space, more independence. So certainly we can be
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misaligned around our ability for to balance the need for
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closeness and connection versus the need for some distance and
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autonomy. And then finally, we can have
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incompatibility around communication.
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So what is our ability to communicate?
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One person might be able to be very emotionally literate.
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They might be able to speak much more freely about their
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emotional life, what's going on internally inside them.
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The other person, not so much. The other person might really
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struggle with being able to use emotion words, describe what
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they're feeling inside and the deeper meanings those feelings
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hold for them. So sometimes we can have
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incompatibility around the way we communicate because our
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trauma does inform our communication style.
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And I did an episode on that. If you want to swing back and
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listen to that one. I did talk about how our trauma
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can inform different communication styles, which can
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then ultimately, you know, feel feel more like we're caught in
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those negative cycles. So notice all the things I've
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talked about here are largely conscious values, life
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direction, the need for closeness versus distance.
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Those types of things are largely conscious.
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They they tend to not necessarily get get triggered
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like trauma does, where all of a sudden they might cause some
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sense of dysregulation that we're unaware of until we become
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re regulated. We can sense usually that
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there's a difference in values. Another way I see that certainly
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with a lot of couples is how we parent our children.
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Sometimes we rely on the way we were parented in the past by our
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own parents, and we sort of subconsciously just play that
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out with our own children. Whereas our partner may have had
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a very different experience growing up and so they
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subconsciously sort of parent the way their parents did.
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And that can create a difference in values about how we parent,
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how we discipline our children, how we show up for them in
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different ways, how we help them learn the the kinds of
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discipline they need to grow up to be independent,
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self-sufficient adults. So these types of values can
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definitely be misaligned in a relationship and and they can
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definitely feel like incompatibility.
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You know, one partner may want a deep emotional processing.
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They love to go deep. They love to talk about deep
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things. The other tends to avoid going
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deep. They, they live life more in
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their head perhaps. And as you'll notice here, a lot
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of what I'm talking about in terms of incompatibility, you
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can kind of see show up a little bit in our different attachment
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styles as well. But these things aren't
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necessarily triggered when our attachment needs come online.
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These things aren't necessarily that these values don't
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necessarily just show up in times of a triggered attachment
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longings. They can show up when things
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aren't triggered because ultimately incompatibility is
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about fit, whereas traumas about safety and it's about security
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in the relationship. And so those I think are the big
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takeaways from today is how do we talk about compatibility and
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in this case, incompatibility as a sense that the shoe doesn't
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fit no matter how healthy the ankle and the leg are versus
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that the ankle is is broken or or bruised or or sprained and
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needs attention regardless of what kind of shoe we put on it.
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So how do we tell some of the differences between
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incompatibility versus trauma? Well, if trauma is about safety,
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then some of these things need to be looked at in terms of your
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relationship, whether they take place in order to be able to add
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safety. And one of them is about
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accountability, right? If, if we mess up, can we take
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accountability for ourselves and re establish a sense of safety
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in the relationship to talk about the mistake?
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And accountability is very important in being able to say,
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you know what? I, I showed up again, I, my, my
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trauma got triggered. I started to shut down.
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I knew I was doing it, but I couldn't pull myself out of it.
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But I can see where that sends a signal to you that I don't care
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about what you're feeling. And I'm sorry that happened.
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I'm, I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better at it.
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I'm trying to communicate what's happening internally in those
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moments for me, but but I'm fully accountable to the fact
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that I did it again. Another way is repair.
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Is repair happening when we have ruptures in the relationship?
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Are we answering those fundamental questions around
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repair? What did I learn about myself,
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what I learned about my partner? How did it show up in our cycle?
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And how did I contribute to that?
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And what actually helped us repair?
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Those are 4 fundamental questions we need to ask in
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order to have effective repairs. And then of course, consistency.
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Is my partner consistently emotionally available and
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responsive to me when I need it? Because when my partner turns
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towards me and they do this consistently, this is like drops
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of trust in a bucket for me. And the more drops I have, the
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more the trust bucket fills up and the more confident I feel
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like my partner's going to be there.
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Because I know they're there for the little things.
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So you can bet I feel like they're going to be there for
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the big things as well. So incompatibility can show up
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and look very different than trauma does.
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Trauma can show up in terms of accountability, repair
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consistently. If we're doing these things,
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then we're healing trauma in the relationship and when both
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partners can engage in accountability, in repair and
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consistency. However, there are times where
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incompatibility it actually it, it it it doesn't.
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It doesn't get repaired. It feels like we continually run
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into the same problems. I continually to get frustrated
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with my partner over the way their parenting children because
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that runs so counter to my way of doing it or the way I was
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taught or how I even think it's effective now.
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And so often times incompatibility kind of can show
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up as repeated dead ends. So we keep talking about the
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same things over and over. We can talk through them.
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Our traumas don't get triggered. We can repair and, and recognize
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that, OK, well, we need more conversation around this.
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We can be emotionally available to each other as we talked
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through these things, but consciously, it just feels like
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we have different perspectives on this issue.
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And so another way to look at this is in terms of how we stay
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regulated, right? Trauma reactions tend to soften
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with grounding. So when we stay grounded, when
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we come back into the window of tolerance, then, then that means
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we've sort of softened our traumatic reaction, our triggers
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to our partner, and we're now in a place where we can use empathy
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and validation. We stay grounded, clear and
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connected to ourselves and our partner.
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Whereas incompatibility remains clear even when there's calm.
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OK, yeah, we're calm, like I said a few minutes ago.
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But but there's still no overlap here.
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There's still no resolve because we just see things so
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differently. And so that's a difference
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between incompatibility and trauma.
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Even if we get regulated and we're calm, we still can get
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frustrated that we see it so differently.
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And then finally, I think, you know, how do we tell the
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difference? Trauma can asked, how do I keep
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this? In other words, how do I keep
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this relationship going? How do I keep my partner showing
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up for me in this way? Because this is hugely helpful
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where compatibility asks, does this nurture me?
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Does my partner's values, aspirations, futures, does it
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fit for me? Is is this a good nourishment
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for me with where I see my life going, how I want to raise my
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kids, how I want to show up in the world as I change?
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Is my partner supporting that for me?
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So is this nourishing in that sense?
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So that could definitely be a compatibility issue as opposed
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to a trauma issue in our relationships.
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Finally, let me say that I, I think the goal sometimes is
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first to make sure that we can talk through issues before in a
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calm way, in a regulated way, before we try to address the
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incompatibility issues. A lot of times I think couples
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lead with the other one. Oh, we're just so different.
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We're so incompatible before they've learned how to break
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cycles, how to soften, how to show up in a vulnerable, softer
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way for each other, how to soften their defenses and their
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anxieties, how to drop down into their core emotion and in order
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to communicate what's really going on with them.
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Those things I think need to be worked on 1st before we start
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working on the compatibility piece because it is possible
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that, and I've seen couples do this before, that there's more
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alignment, there's more overlap as to our values and goals.
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Once we learn some of this other trauma work, you know, staying
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regulated, reducing cycles, learning how to communicate
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better, all of that stuff, we might find that there's more
25:36
overlap and we're not as incompatible as we often think
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we are. Thank you so much for listening,
25:45
as always. I really appreciate it.
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My name is Tom Phillip and I am here to remind you to stay
25:49
grounded, clear and connected.