Latest / MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose / Episode 130: How’d I Miss that? Friendship and Resolving Conflict

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Episode 130: How’d I Miss that? Friendship and Resolving Conflict · MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose

• 0:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is Cynthia Gannoff and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey guys, welcome, that's my eyes glad you were with us today.
• 0:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: As you know, if you listen to last week in this new year, we are doing a series loosely based on my new book that's coming out how I miss that.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: It comes out February 3rd.
• 0:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And for fun, I have invited different friends, blast from my past, people that are talked about stories told in the book.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have asked those different people to join me each week, and we are going to have conversations around, yes,
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: the content in the book.
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: But really we're going to have conversations just about life and various aspects of life and places where maybe I've missed it in my life and maybe you have missed it as well and just encourage each other hopefully laugh a lot.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so today my good friend Stephanie Martin, who is no stranger to this podcast, she is coming back to join us and we are going to talk about friendship and we are going to talk about conflict and conflict resolution within our friendships.
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's apropos to have Stephanie here because she's such a dear and a good friend to me, but also one that handles conflict well in her relationships.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we're going to talk about that.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to talk a little bit about the book, how to miss that, which I would be so grateful if you'd pre-order.
• 1:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And guys, there's some fun stuff coming up.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are going to enjoy hopefully these next few weeks.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So make sure that you're listening, make sure you share it with a friend that would mean so much to me.
• 1:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And here we go today with Stephanie for
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Stephanie.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hi.
• 1:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hi.
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're quite the regular on the pod these days.
• 1:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I don't know what to think about that.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Except for it's fun.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I enjoy it.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you do such a good job.
• 1:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you know, it's not...
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do I say this without sounding how it's going to sound?
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not easy for a lot of people and you just can naturally do this.
• 1:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have so many people tell me when you're on, they're like, Stephanie's so good.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And part of it's just because you're wise, but also you're good.
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And unfortunately for you, you're available some, or you make yourself available.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, what do you do it in 12 hours?
• 2:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you're like, oh boy, here we go.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_03]: I need to become more at available.
• 2:16
  [SPEAKER_03]: I need to become more of a, I don't know, a sought after, I don't know.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, so when I was thinking about this whole series, I want to do going into the release of my book, how do I miss that?
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to bring on friends.
• 2:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to bring on people that I talk about in the book, blast from the past.
• 2:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think I told you this yesterday, but I actually emailed
• 2:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: my youth minister that I haven't you know had any contact with since like eighth grade and it's like when you come on the podcast and so he's coming on a few weeks so it's all the blasts from the past and current friends and people I talk out the book and of course you're one of my very dear friends and you're in one of the a lot of places but didn't a story that we're talking out today so
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to talk about friendship, one of the chapters in the book, but we're going to talk about friendship, and also I think what goes along with that is a different chapter on reconciliation and forgiveness.
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so are you up for it?
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm up for it that are you up for it, because I want to ask you some questions.
• 3:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh gosh, I know I'm really bad at being interviewed on my own podcast, especially because I just want to turn it around and ask questions, but yes, I mean, I'm going to answer some questions, but we're just going to have a good conversation around this topic.
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: So can we start with the funny thing the funny story I tell in the book.
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: There is a questionable judgment on whether or not I should have put it in print.
• 3:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
• 3:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Go ahead, give us a
• 3:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Give us the lead on that.
• 3:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: You've already teased us, what is it?
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you and I and several others shout out Jenny and Tracy and whom I forgetting, some others.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: We did a triathlon about a decade ago.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: A mini, a mini one.
• 4:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, thank you.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: A mini triathlond which felt like an iron man to me, but And so I don't know where you classify yourself, but I classify myself as very an athletic Agreed.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean for both of us.
• 4:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean at least agree.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Agreed.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Agreed.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're I've always I don't want to be athlete.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Same.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've always wanted to know what it felt like
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: to just be like, oh, do you play tennis?
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I'll just pick up a tennis racket.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And oh, wait, are we going to go to Pickleball next?
• 4:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Great.
• 4:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, wait, I played soccer in high school and I'll just do that and I've always wanted to be that person.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not.
• 4:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe another.
• 4:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I was in the marching band in high school for heaven's sake.
• 4:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So is that tell you what you need to know?
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Marching.
• 4:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was in choir.
• 4:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 4:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: I guess we're the fine arts department.
• 4:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we sign up for triathlon.
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think all of our personalities came out, oh, Brandy, I forgot her too.
• 5:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: All of our personalities came out in this track on.
• 5:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the story I tell is about, I signed up for the swim you had to put in your time, right?
• 5:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: You thought you would swim them because they don't want you like in the very front if you're the slowest swimmer ever and everybody's having to pass you.
• 5:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we did it in a pool environment so it's to not die in open water, right?
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, I put myself in the last category, I believe, or next to last, of swimming speed.
• 5:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think you're seeing back in a little.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe, because I was a little better than I thought, but not that good, because what happened was, and this is the questionable judgment.
• 5:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: OK. And so what happened was that the girl right behind me, yes, had a prosthetic, but leg.
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: But did not wear said prosthetic in the pool.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so she was swimming with one leg, right?
• 6:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think to myself, well, hopefully, I mean at least I can beat her, right?
• 6:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, you've got two legs.
• 6:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right, right.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, nobody should be writing in a book about this.
• 6:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there it was kind of a point, but not, let's just net it out to say she beat me.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Beat me bad.
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I think that people who are doing mini triathlons, missing appendages, are probably more thick than we are.
• 6:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 6:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Dually noted.
• 6:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, Stephanie.
• 6:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, and so that was one of many things.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted your take on the track on any other things from that, and then we'll get to the point.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: But any other takeaways from that?
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, well, you know, we were friends for a really long time before we explored the in theogram.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And for those who don't know, Cynthia is an in theogram 3, which is called the performer.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, slash a cheever.
• 7:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 7:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: The cheever.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so when we would train for the triathlon, we actually did practice swimming, because I think that's what we all released
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: familiar with.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I didn't know how to swim with my head under water.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, who knew?
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we would practice at the neighborhood pool in the mornings.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do you remember?
• 7:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 7:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Really early in the morning and it's outside.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like this is not an indoor pool.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: This was an outdoor pool.
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: you're like, no, we're in practice and I'm getting better and that is when you're in a grand three like totally came out.
• 7:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 7:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then during the triathlon, tell them what happens.
• 8:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, Tracey got a flat tire.
• 8:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there's like five or six of Stingett.
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I was kind of late.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was behind her because of my swim debacle.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I see her on the side of the road with her little flat tire.
• 8:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe it was a flat tire,
• 8:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was her chain.
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, that's right.
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're right.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Her chain came off for bike.
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Did I stop for her?
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, blue, right, pastor.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, Tracy.
• 8:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, each man, it's woman for themselves.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: What in the world?
• 8:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it would just so funny because that's not what you're like in real life.
• 8:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like you would stop, you would help.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: But you're in the aquarium three came out.
• 8:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I had to achieve man.
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: You just blew right past her.
• 8:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh my gosh, it was one of our friends won't mention names, had it a little bit too much to drink tonight before.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: She didn't even, I don't know if she started it, but she surely didn't finish.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Didn't start or finish it.
• 8:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Another one of our friends gets real nervous about certain things and it started raining and she was so nervous she was going to fall off her bike that she, I don't know if she walked it, but at a minimum she went one mile an hour, came in dead last with so, still mad about it.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: still mad about it.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what's really funny, she backs more than any of us put together.
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, she exercises more than any of us put together.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the whole thing was hilarious.
• 9:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, when you read the chapter, what do you think we're laughing?
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can be honest.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: First of all, can we go back?
• 9:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Can we talk about the cover?
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 9:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: How hilarious.
• 9:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, thank you.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: You described the cover for everybody.
• 9:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: A girl.
• 9:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, girl holding a retro, the holding a mirror and looking in the marriage, just spinach and her teeth.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's kind of the idea of how to miss that.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like how many things have we walked around toilet paper?
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to.
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's a little behind the scenes.
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would have loved of had the book cover.
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: A woman with toilet paper hang out of her spanks.
• 9:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: But or her spanks tucked in.
• 9:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like her dress tucked in her spanks.
• 9:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But we couldn't find a way to do that that wasn't kind of marginally x-rated.
• 10:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right, right, right.
• 10:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, teeth are safe.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, it's so cute.
• 10:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I did get to read chapters four, five, and six.
• 10:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't know if this is called, like, you know, a sing-along movie where you go to the movie theater and you sing along.
• 10:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: This one's like a laugh along.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, good.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it was so funny.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I laughed out loud.
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it said, yeah, that was great.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it was also a worthy read.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it was super fun.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, everybody can read this.
• 10:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's great.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's fun.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you need to know Stephanie wouldn't tell you.
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was funny if it wasn't.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Stephanie's got the art.
• 10:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's I've told y'all this before.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: She's my friend.
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: She will call it what it is in my life.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like she'll tell me after a podcast sometimes like, oh, wasn't your best.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, oh, okay.
• 10:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good to know.
• 10:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good to know.
• 10:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if I ask, yeah, if you ask, yeah, I'm not here to blow smoke.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Nobody needs that.
• 10:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, nobody needs that.
• 10:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I got those people in my life.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: You aren't one of them.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm thankful.
• 10:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So.
• 11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: let's talk about friendship and I thought it was apropos that I bring you on to talk friendship because yeah one of my dears friends but too um you and I talk a lot about friendships and all the things and so let's talk in that chapter I mean the point of it and y'all can read it if you order the book but the point was just like me
• 11:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: entering a triathlon doesn't make me a triathlete like far from it saying that we have friends are saying I'm going to be a good friend like that's not the whole picture like there's work to be done behind it and so just thought we would just chat just a minute.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: about friendship and one of the things I've been talking a lot about and I'm interested in your thoughts on this but it's just that when I used to speak about friendship all the time I would always do kind of like a here's a how to three things to consider on how to build friendships and then I kind of flipped over to I'm not sure we need a how to as much as we need a why to like why does friendship matter because we're pretty
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: industrious women like we can figure out how to do things.
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean heck you and I figured out how to do a darn triathlon not well But we did if we really value and care about deep community then we can figure that out and yes We can give some practical steps to that but I think from me Stephanie I had to get to point where I
• 12:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: stopped thinking that having deep friendships was just like, if I have spare time, when my kids are older, it's just a luxury, but that it really is something that's significant in matters in our lives.
• 12:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why we need these reminders of the why, too.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's just because going back to my favorite story in the Bible that we talk about a lot with friendship, you know, the four guys carrying the mat, take it to Jesus, right?
• 12:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they get there and it's too crowded.
• 12:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can't get in.
• 12:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So they take him to the second floor.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: They cut a hole and they lower him in.
• 12:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And Jesus heals him first, spiritually, and second physically.
• 12:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: That'll tell a sermon, right?
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then Jesus says, I'm healing you because of the faith of your friends.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And Jesus cares about our friends and our circle.
• 13:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's impacted by that.
• 13:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I used to always talk about how we need to be carrying other people's mats.
• 13:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we do, right?
• 13:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like we need to carry mats of people
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, it's hit me the older I get.
• 13:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm the guy on the mat.
• 13:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I may not be physically paralyzed, but I'm spiritually paralyzed at any given time.
• 13:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's all the times when I care more about my comfort than my calling.
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I extend you with my money when I know the Lord's calling me to be generous.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, there's a million places.
• 13:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I need people like you and my life and others that are willing to like pick up my mat and say, girl, like you don't get healing if we don't drag you back to Jesus time after time after time.
• 13:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's kind of the why too on friendship for me.
• 13:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thoughts?
• 13:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, you know, I was watching my daughter the other night, and I can't remember what silly thing she was talking about.
• 13:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: She's a freshman in high school.
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it was clear to me that there was a little bit of a disconnect because I was older, you know me, she always asked what generation I am.
• 14:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Gen X.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know why she can't remember.
• 14:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: She wants to call me.
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I'm not.
• 14:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to where I'm at Gen X are.
• 14:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then in that moment, I was a reminder why friends are so important because they're the ones who are going through the same things as you are at the same time.
• 14:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is it wonderful to have people who've gone before you?
• 14:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely, but there's just something about calling that friend and saying, this is happening to me right now and you end to have somebody say, yeah, me too, this feels really hard.
• 14:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
• 14:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: What are we going to do?
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then, you know, so it's the gift of having those people, and it doesn't necessarily mean age, you're the same age, but
• 14:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: just having friends in a stage that you're in, or a particular event that you're going through, that you have other people.
• 15:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's just so powerful.
• 15:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, you say this a lot about me.
• 15:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm curious, I wanted to hit on this.
• 15:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You say that I tend to have a lot of capacity.
• 15:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if it's even capacity for a lot of friends, but you say, well, you say a lot, but,
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, if it's not obvious, let me just spell it out.
• 15:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Cynthia is an extrovert.
• 15:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 15:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, to the extreme, I think we've told this story before, but we used to have lunches together.
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you'd be like, seven in this have lunch, and then you bring like five people.
• 15:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I was an introvert, and so for me, that was like so offensive.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, do you want to be with me or not?
• 15:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: In it.
• 15:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 15:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And as I got to know you I knew that that wasn't in it at all, but it was kind of hard as an introvert because we like to really invest in those one or two people and just that's where we really thrive and you have a really high capacity for a lot of people and you also have a really I like to call it a really wide threshold for a variety of people.
• 16:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you're not easily offended.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you're able to be like, oh, that was just kind of her and where she is on life.
• 16:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's fine.
• 16:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or is for me, maybe a little bit more sensitive to that.
• 16:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I think that makes you an easy friend.
• 16:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I appreciate that and and hear me, everyone.
• 16:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't my, this isn't the opportunity for me to bring people on that are going to say a good thing to tell me that's not the point.
• 16:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: But with Stephanie brought up something when we were talking about this that she said, what is it?
• 16:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, what's your inner working said allows you to have that tolerance or that capacity?
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is that kind of what you were asking me earlier?
• 16:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, what do you, okay, the thing, people may not realize this about you, but you do,
• 16:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, some people just have natural talents, like you obviously are not naturally athletic, neither am I, what you have natural talents and I think one of your natural talents is that you're good with people and that you're able to be a friend.
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so it may be hard for you to identify it because it comes to naturally to you, but what what are some of those things.
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 17:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, as we were talking through this before we were recording, and I was like, I don't know, I didn't know that not everybody.
• 17:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I tend to be more extroverted to the most, but we talked about it.
• 17:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think there's a few like things that help me, and we're kind of getting practical on friendship for just a minute.
• 17:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I try not to ask people to be someone they're not or to be in a place they're not.
• 17:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I,
• 17:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: If someone's struggling with whatever the thing is, they struggle with gossip, let's say.
• 17:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm probably not going to tell them my deepest arc of secrets, because I'm not asking them to be something they're not.
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want them to be better, and I want to take them before Jesus, and I want to pray that over, and we all struggle with that.
• 17:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I kind of can accept people where they are, and I'm not asking them to be something they're not, or to be in a place.
• 18:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: their life or their spiritual walk, they're not.
• 18:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's one thing.
• 18:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then I think also, I've realized that you don't have to change someone to be able to walk with them.
• 18:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to endorse them by just being a friend to them.
• 18:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that allows me to bring in more people because if you think that every person
• 18:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: that you hang out with or invite over, or whatever, that you're endorsing all the things they believe, or all the things that they get right or wrong.
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you're gonna have no friends, right?
• 18:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the same thing, like, you're not gonna have any friends if you feel like you have to change every person that walks to the door.
• 18:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I gotta fix this and you like, listen, I gotta enough to fix in myself.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the Holy Spirit work on someone else.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't send the again-offs work.
• 18:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, I don't know, those are just some practical things I try to think about.
• 18:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you and I were talking on just strong opinions
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we both have really strong opinions, and I think you're really good at this, too.
• 18:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: But as you get older, I wonder if you would agree with this.
• 19:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've just found that I have far fewer hills to die on when it comes to making my opinions known or my preferences known like at the end of the day, I try to.
• 19:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I get this wrong a lot, but if it does impact the gospel directly, then I don't know that I feel
• 19:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: be right on stuff with acquaintances, with friends, even some of my closer friends, but especially that outer limit of friends.
• 19:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thoughts on that.
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I really like what you said about endorsing somebody and exactly what they believe.
• 19:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I think maybe when my kids were younger,
• 19:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: if we go on vacation with these people, then everybody's gonna think that we live life like these people or whatever that was, and that's just really narrow minded.
• 19:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm glad that hopefully is what they are like you said, you can just let some of that go and be confident and who the Lord is called to the BE.
• 20:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: To be friends with a lot of people and just love,
• 20:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think I've been convicted that the Lord everybody's made in his image.
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 20:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there are things about every single person that he just loves and adores.
• 20:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what if I could just celebrate those things?
• 20:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I don't have to point out all the ways that they're not quite kidding at right.
• 20:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's not even really what I'm called to unless we're really doing life together.
• 20:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And other than that, it's really just celebrating with the Lord.
• 20:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: how he's shown up in their life and what are the gifts that he's given them?
• 20:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there's one other thing you didn't talk about that you're really good at, and Cynthia checks up on people.
• 20:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, you know, if I say, oh, hey, this is going on or somebody's been sick, you'll text and be like, hey, how are they doing?
• 20:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they better?
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do you need anything?
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm at the store.
• 21:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: That seems like a really dumb thing.
• 21:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, silly, just seems kind of like a small thing, but it's those things.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's those small touches that help people know that they're thought of and cared for.
• 21:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I appreciate that.
• 21:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, you tell everybody what the ring tone is on your phone for me.
• 21:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: The ring tone, I know it's Cynthia calling when my phone makes the cricket sound.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because she often...
• 21:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Here's the other thing, Cynthia's very high capacity, and she's a lot going on.
• 21:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: The one she calls, I call her, I may or may not get a hold of her, but when she calls, she feels like everybody's to wait and buy the phone.
• 21:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: She's ready, wait and buy the phone.
• 21:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Ready to answer her, and if I don't answer her right away, she'll be like, it's crickets.
• 21:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where are you?
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why are you not answering?
• 22:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I always text her, like kind of just but cut it off of crickets.
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's up?
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's up?
• 22:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's up?
• 22:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's quiet as crickets.
• 22:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So there's I can't figure it out.
• 22:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I know what you're the only one that's crickets on my phone.
• 22:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I know when it's you.
• 22:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know when it's me or I've got a bus to move to answer that phone call.
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, absolutely, you better.
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about one friendship.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: killers.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, well, before we get there, let me say something.
• 22:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there are levels of friendship.
• 22:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've said this before in the podcast are good friends, Sherry.
• 22:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hi, Sherry says that her mom taught her that, you know, there's the mailbox friends, the front porch friends.
• 22:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: and there's the couch friends.
• 22:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And very few people are your couch friends.
• 22:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is metaphorical, everyone.
• 22:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you have a bigger group of front porch and probably a really big mailbox.
• 22:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you got to respect the fact that not everybody needs to be on your couch, not everybody is your inner circle, not everybody in my life gets to feed into what my calling or my parenting or you know like that's something that's I don't want to say earned, that sounds whatever.
• 23:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I mean, I have to know
• 23:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: You really well and know your intentions and are you following the Lord?
• 23:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you praying for my people?
• 23:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you defending me in rooms I'm not in?
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, that's the inner circle.
• 23:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: But then, you know, we have more people on the porch that, you know, are closer friends, but they're not the inner circle.
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then there's a lot of people hanging at the mailbox.
• 23:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, I mean, I would say that's one thing to consider too.
• 23:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I think when we have conflict, which we're going to get into next conflict relationships, we're letting male box people sit on the couch, and we're putting couch people on the front porch and distancing for whatever reason without resolving.
• 23:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so, I do think there's some,
• 23:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's some thought that goes behind like who is that inner circle and that's one thing I really like to the to the point the name of this book how did I miss that I missed it for years I didn't realize that I I needed to have an inner circle that is tight That are people that are like-minded and I'm willing to listen when they say things that are hard for me to hear
• 24:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm willing to share the really hard things that are going on like that set in our circle and from having that I find it gives me a lot more capacity for people that are on the porch in the mailbox because I'm not asking those people to be something they're not to to feed into my life in some certain way.
• 24:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like it just, I get confidence for the fact I have that inner circle of people that are my people, the speaking of my life.
• 24:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then it allows me to have freedom for other people that aren't my people, but I can still enjoy them.
• 24:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Does that make sense?
• 24:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Totally.
• 24:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 24:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's a gift from the Lord.
• 24:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the Lord wants us to have people that can pour into us, that can sharpen us.
• 24:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's what he calls us to.
• 24:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: but to your point, not everybody is that person, or you, and it actually takes a very few people, the couch is small, you know?
• 24:59
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 24:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's not that many people on the couch and through the Lord and with those people, you are filled up so you can give to those from porch people on the mailbox people.
• 25:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 25:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 25:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And for some of your couch is like a love seat.
• 25:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And for some of you, like me, it's more of a sectional.
• 25:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you help me.
• 25:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: That was pretty strong, right?
• 25:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Listen, these love seat people, they like their love seats, okay?
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have your two-piece seats.
• 25:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's great.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I have, you know, six or seven or eight on my sectional.
• 25:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 25:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 25:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Still knowing the place.
• 25:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And just the importance, too, is I would like to reiterate.
• 25:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: And Stephanie's one of them, which I'm so glad that you're on to talk about this.
• 25:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you have to have people around you that will get uncomfortable with you and say things you need to hear, and that will question some things and we'll speak some truth.
• 25:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, you and I were just talking the other day, you, there was some things going on with you that I was like, hmm.
• 25:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you later said, I'm so glad that you were calling me out on some of this, like I didn't realize that my thinking had gone that way.
• 26:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was like, think goodness for once, I could do that for you because I feel like you did that for me every week.
• 26:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So those are the kind of people you're looking for on that inner circle.
• 26:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I would say the other thing as I'm teaching you for all of y'all who have daughters out there.
• 26:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: The other thing I'm trying to get heard of think about is who
• 26:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: who can celebrate the small and the big things in your life because that tells you a lot.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you want people who are able to do that genuinely.
• 26:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm on, and I'll honestly, a lot of close female friendship.
• 26:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it's hard to celebrate because we're often moving towards the same things.
• 26:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: But who is able to let their love for their friend
• 26:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: is above, you know, the love of just what they want.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 26:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that's that's really special.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's what we're too old for anything else.
• 27:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: We really are.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we're definitely told for triathlons, gosh, and that is gone back for that.
• 27:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, okay.
• 27:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I think one of the biggest issues that we deal with in friendships and I'm going to talk just Christian women.
• 27:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think everyone does, but let's speak to Chris, let's speak in a Christian women ourselves included in this by no means do I feel like I've got this down, but we have to figure out conflict.
• 27:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because we are going to have conflict and we are women and we're probably going to have, let's be honest, maybe more conflict than our husbands are going to have in their friendships.
• 27:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And because we're closer, we're walking roads together.
• 27:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so I wanted us to think about that for a minute.
• 27:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's funny.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Before we get there, do you remember one of the first conflicts we ever had?
• 27:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember it well.
• 27:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: We've talked about this before, but when you call me out on something.
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_03]: A birthday party.
• 27:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and you were like it really hurts my feelings that you don't show my kids birthday parties especially when I said I was going to and I was like Great information because I don't really care if you kind of my kids party, but it's good to know that you do now I will you know like It was one of the first times and I thought I'm so glad you said it you could have been mad you could like so much could have
• 28:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Resultory, yeah, yeah, and you were like just called it out and, you know, I think about the Matthew five passage when I think about this I talk about this a lot in the book.
• 28:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I talk about how Jesus says in that passage like you talk to religious people Like if you're at the altar and you're giving a gift and you realize you have a problem with a friend like don't give the gift like set it down Go deal with that.
• 28:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean in our current terminology like don't don't sit in church and and common on the
• 28:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pastor Skinny jeans or go get your latte or do anything else like walk over and deal with the issue.
• 28:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Go home and call the person whatever it is.
• 28:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And Jesus cared about it and I think for many reasons he cared about it because we need unity in the body of Christ.
• 28:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I think he also understood something that I've missed for so long and that is is he wants reconciliation but he also offers restoration in our lives.
• 29:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when we have conflict that's unresolved like that, it eats away it is.
• 29:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yep, it does.
• 29:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's really hard to say, hey, we good.
• 29:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: That put kind of weird.
• 29:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: That conversation felt weird, or you said this weird comment, and I, is there anything that underneath that, or are we good?
• 29:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: That feels really weird, and I think that feels very vulnerable.
• 29:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: And yet, it's so necessary, because we're all so blind to,
• 29:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: of our faults.
• 29:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the, one of the funny stories, I think it's funny.
• 29:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I tell him a book about my grandfather.
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember that one.
• 29:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: hilarious.
• 29:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so my grandfather, I'm giving all a preview.
• 29:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: My grandfather, as he was getting older, he always hated old man Heinzman.
• 29:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know why nobody knew why, but he hated old man Heinzman.
• 29:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was very vocal about it.
• 30:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And one day my dad drove up to have lunch with my grandparents and there was a crew assembling a chain length fence around their home.
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Think like a normal residential neighborhood Stephanie and they have a chain length fence going up.
• 30:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my dad's like,
• 30:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: What, like, what are we doing?
• 30:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so my dad gets in there, he's like, what's happening here, my grandfather's like, well, I got to keep old man Heinzman out.
• 30:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my dad was like, okay, you know what, we're gonna resolve this once and for all.
• 30:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he goes down to where he thinks old man Heinzman lives and finally figures out the house and talks to his wife and said, listen, I mean, these two have had a feud for a decade.
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can we get him together and resolve this?
• 30:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's getting ridiculous.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And she kind of sheepishly said,
• 30:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: old man Heinzman, my husband died a decade ago, and my, I mean, it's not funny, but kind of, but it's not that far from how we do things.
• 30:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, he was building a fence to keep someone out, and it was actually imprisoning him.
• 30:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's, that's the story behind the story that Lewis Maids has a great, great quote.
• 31:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: He says, to forgive us, to set a prisoner free, and realize that prisoner was you.
• 31:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, I think that's the truth.
• 31:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we can't reconcile well, when we can't deal with conflict, maybe it's impacting the other person, but you know who it's really impacting is us.
• 31:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And at the end of the day, there is a real enemy out there.
• 31:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is Satan.
• 31:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: He comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
• 31:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he wins when we start letting petty grievances happen in a build division within us and our friend groups and all of that.
• 31:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're not talking about
• 31:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: There are relationships where you really need to put in boundaries, like there's been significant things, abusive, whatever those are.
• 31:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not talking at that.
• 31:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's very few in far between.
• 31:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm talking at the day and day out stuff.
• 31:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And how the Lord doesn't want that for us.
• 31:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: He doesn't want us to fence and I don't know about you.
• 31:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if you feel like you've had that kind of relationship, but I have in the past relationships where I should have stepped in and spoken up early asked if everything was okay, offered in apology, you know, like that's a hard one.
• 32:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So hard.
• 32:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 32:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: So hard.
• 32:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, we can't control what the other person's going to do.
• 32:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think when it comes to forgiveness, we, you're saying reconciliation and restoration.
• 32:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And really that is not up to us.
• 32:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it is for us to own what we need to ask for forgiveness.
• 32:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
• 32:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, it may not lead to complete restoration or reconciliation, but you can hopefully be aware of what you've done, own it, and ask for clarification.
• 32:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, yeah.
• 32:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: I tell, um, I talk about a place, I talk in a book about a place in my life where I did not do that well, and always wanting to be conscientious of not, um, pointing out an individual
• 33:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: you can read about it in the book, but suffice it to say, it was a relationship that got really hard and I didn't do the thing I should have done.
• 33:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I should have dropped everything and gone and checked out why.
• 33:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I got more and more offended about things I don't even remember what I was offended about and that became distant and then there was no more text and no more, you know, it just became this whole thing.
• 33:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then this friend got involved in something ministry-wise that is near and dear to my heart.
• 33:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And all of a sudden like,
• 33:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: it was just like we're on the same team like I'm like how can I help let's do this and and she apologized one day she's like I'm really sorry I don't know what happened but I went apologize and and I can't I was so touched by that but also like why did I do that a long time ago like what what's I waiting on what was I trying to prove or not prove her and and it reminded me that
• 33:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we are on mission, it always trumps misunderstanding.
• 33:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And what she and I were involved in is very missional.
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that needs to trumps misunderstanding.
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we are all on mission.
• 34:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: You guys, as believers, like we are on mission to make Jesus known, to make the gospel known.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so we've got to let that trump misunderstanding.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And by trumping, I'm not saying overlook or just, oh, well, I'm just gonna take it again.
• 34:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, it means that we're willing to step up and go and address and do the hard thing and say like listen this is bothering me or this doesn't seem right or I feel like I offended you or maybe I'm sure I offended you like I'm sorry like having the humility to do that because we see the bigger picture of what our ministry is in life is to make him known.
• 34:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you know, I think Pride, you did it, but what?
• 34:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, what did you really did?
• 34:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I did, she really did.
• 34:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think for me, sometimes it's Pride.
• 34:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And here's the thing, for a lot of flaws and for in myself that I'm very aware of, because I have good people around me that'll say, hey, check that.
• 35:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I have a pretty strong justice component, a justice system in my mind, probably because I used to be a lawyer.
• 35:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like I was right, I felt like I was justified and I want to be like in what, like looking back and not take even that set aside that particular situation.
• 35:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Of all the misunderstandings or places where I've had a hard friendship or a hard dispute or whatever, usually it's come out of the lack of conflict resolutions come out of me needing to be right or wanting to be right.
• 35:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: or a lack of humility, and I think that's what gets me.
• 35:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: What about you, like when you've had those kind of relationships?
• 35:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it come from place of hurt, does it come from place of pride?
• 35:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: What keeps you from reconciling?
• 35:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So hurt, hurt.
• 35:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think I've learned recently that I'm a little out of touch with my feelings and so when I feel something, it's just anger.
• 36:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I have to figure out, what is it?
• 36:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why, why anger is it hurt?
• 36:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is it sadness?
• 36:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is it lack of power, you know, lack of control?
• 36:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: What's getting out of whack?
• 36:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the other thing that I've learned about, I read a book and I don't remember which book it was, but basically it said that our brain is more comfortable with a incorrect narrative, a wrong narrative about a situation than it is with the unknown.
• 36:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: That was rude, and it maybe wouldn't even rude.
• 36:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: But my brain is more comfortable saying.
• 36:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: She did that because of, you know, she's so inconsiderate.
• 36:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: She didn't think about me.
• 36:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: My brain not truly wants to go there, which is so interesting because then the Bible says it's our flesh, you know?
• 36:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the word told us that was our natural inclination.
• 37:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: We would our brain is more comfortable knowing some,
• 37:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know why that happened.
• 37:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I came from me to make myself feel better.
• 37:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I might believe the worst about somebody, rather than say, I don't really know what that went south.
• 37:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And pride, you know, it's pride and hurt.
• 37:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: all of that.
• 37:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so I want to ask you another question.
• 37:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, before you do, let me say one thing about that.
• 37:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love the quote, fill the gap with positive assumptions, and that comes to me a lot.
• 37:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just think in the vein of that having a narrative, like what if we fill the gaps when we don't know?
• 37:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: with positive assumptions, and I don't.
• 37:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I go straight to the negative, which is why I like that quote.
• 37:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you don't wave to me when you pass me in the neighborhood Stephanie, I'm like, well, she's in a mood, or well, she must, well, she must be having a party at her house and didn't invite me, and that's why she's not acknowledge, like, like, that's my, my humanly self wants to fill it with negative.
• 38:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just wondering how different our relationships would look if we filled the gaps with positive, you know, and assumptions.
• 38:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what if we just pray to the Lord like, Lord, that's kind of weird.
• 38:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 38:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Which you just filled my heart with something positive about that interaction or if there's something I need to tell it to me, you know?
• 38:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 38:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 38:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, here's my other questions for you.
• 38:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm ready.
• 38:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm seeing you over many years, but I would say over the last few years, really love and serve people in your family and outside of your family.
• 38:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: They can be difficult.
• 38:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: How do you do that?
• 38:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: How do you do that?
• 38:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: How are you able to be friends with them and or served them and not get out what you put in?
• 38:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I don't know, and I don't know that I do it well all the time, and I liked that you said within my house and outside of my house, because there's some hard in my house, as all of us have, or in my extended family, or in my direct family, that is some hard serving,
• 39:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I think if we could, on my best day, this is what my hope is, is that I remember who I'm serving.
• 39:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm actually not serving my kids.
• 39:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm actually not serving that mean cousin or that jerky boss.
• 39:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I'm serving the Lord.
• 39:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so if I can really, really, which is hard for me to do, but turn my spirit towards that, like at the end of the day, I'm serving the Lord and you just happen to be the beneficiary of that, it changes everything.
• 39:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, but again, that's on a good day, and on bad day, I'm like, oh, well how much more could it take for me, anything else I could do?
• 39:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 39:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Can we tell people what is not your ministry?
• 40:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is not my ministry?
• 40:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is not your ministry and you will own it?
• 40:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're like, you know what I have a really hard time doing?
• 40:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it males?
• 40:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is it males?
• 40:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 40:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hate taking males.
• 40:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, I will grub have you something people?
• 40:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will, I'm up.
• 40:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Take care of the kids.
• 40:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: You'll take care of the kids.
• 40:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will.
• 40:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You will.
• 40:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think you'll make you a male.
• 40:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you're pretty good at it, Stephanie.
• 40:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you know what, I have one thing.
• 40:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're gonna have surgery and be laid up and I'm like, I better take a meal.
• 40:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna think of it that way.
• 40:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want you know, I'm not gonna be like, oh, this is a chance to be the hands and feet of cheese.
• 40:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm gonna be like, oh, I gotta take a meal.
• 40:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm gonna do every time because all I know to do when it has me on the go and I have to feed adults and kids.
• 40:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna take you taco fixons.
• 40:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna have like the ground beef and the container of meat and cheese.
• 40:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna complain about how many containers
• 40:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be real, then I'm going to take it over there and traffic, because I didn't think ahead, and it's going to be cold when you get it, and then I will not have thought to double it for my own family, so then we're going to come home and they're going to be like, well, there's nothing to eat, I'm going to be like, well, that's your, that's a new problem.
• 41:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just fed the martens over there.
• 41:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's pretty.
• 41:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, that really goes well for me.
• 41:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, and what we're going to say to people is if you are like that, I've got to a point where
• 41:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: bringing dinners not in the bandwidth tonight.
• 41:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think what else can I do.
• 41:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's just been really sweet for me to see him lay something else on my heart.
• 41:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's dropping off paper plates.
• 41:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's dropping off muffin.
• 41:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.
• 41:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wait for what?
• 41:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: They got no food.
• 41:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, I'm trusting the Lord brought somebody else into their life to bring them home.
• 41:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to give you a paper plate for the food I did not give you.
• 41:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know what, he provides.
• 41:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Fish and lives people, fish and lives.
• 41:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just ask him, what do he wants me to do?
• 41:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then if I, if it, you know what, eat a paper plate.
• 42:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.
• 42:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, okay.
• 42:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just trying.
• 42:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just trying and I'm letting it fall off again.
• 42:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I appreciate that, Stephanie.
• 42:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I tend to also be a little judgemental about your surgery.
• 42:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, don't you?
• 42:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't be asking for a meal if you just had like, I don't know, you're,
• 42:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: teeth whiten to end like a gumser.
• 42:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to like, you need to like have a surgery.
• 42:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I don't know what it is, but it needs to, if they're not knocking you out, I'm not bringing you a meal.
• 42:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: If it's a date, maybe even a day procedure.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: you have to stay overnight and have had every anesthesia and then I will make you the poopy taro thing I do.
• 42:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Our stitches involved are they're going to be criteria.
• 42:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like kind of how extensive this surgery.
• 42:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So what's going to someone's going to have a kid that just kind of skins up his head needs three stitches and I'm bringing a meal for them.
• 42:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sorry, I love you in Christ I'll pray over your child.
• 42:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not able to bring a meal.
• 43:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: The end, amen.
• 43:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: That should have
• 43:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You did.
• 43:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You prayed through it.
• 43:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 43:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I want to ask you.
• 43:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: What was it like, this was my first question that we just want to read in.
• 43:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: What was it like writing this second book, what was the difference between book one, but two did you learn anything.
• 43:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: What was okay.
• 43:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm going to keep these fast.
• 43:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we don't go way way over, but you're fun to talk to you so we're going to go a little over, but it was fun writing book one book two was pulling teeth out and and.
• 43:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that was it was a process and I'm so thankful because of the first one I felt and I love my first book, but I felt like I had the stories I had the ideas I was ready in the second one.
• 43:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was one of those like Lord I don't know that we get anything on paper If you don't speak it and so it was really such a contrast for the first one of feeling like I had it still prayed over and all of that of course But the second feeling like I don't have it at all
• 43:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so two totally different situations but seeing the Lord show up in both places was really awesome.
• 43:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm glad it's actually in paper and print.
• 44:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, it was a lot harder.
• 44:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, it is cute, and it is from the Lord, and it is funny, and it is great.
• 44:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, thank you.
• 44:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, thank you.
• 44:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 44:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 44:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for your friendship.
• 44:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for being willing to come on and talk about friendship and talk about conflict and all the things.
• 44:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, those are a couple of the chapters in the book.
• 44:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And there's a lot more as we are talking through all the things.
• 44:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: How do I miss that?
• 44:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, let's not miss it on friendship and conflict resolution like
• 44:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, yeah, you can pre-order a book wherever you want to get one.
• 44:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: That would be amazing and such a gift to me and I think I hope I'm pretty sure you'll laugh.
• 44:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, Stephanie, thanks for being on.
• 44:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Any time, but I'm going to have to become a little bit more unavailable.
• 44:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: She's going to be, if you'll need Stephanie, she's out and about delivering paper plates to people.
• 45:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you know us personally, may I suggest you prepare the meal because I will not unless they're real sick, and if I do it's only tacos, and Stephanie will drop by a plate.
• 45:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: The end.
• 45:17
  [SPEAKER_03]: That's what kind of friends we are.
• 45:18
  [SPEAKER_03]: We'll just come with the paper plate.
• 45:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 45:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks, friend.
• 45:21
  [SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.
• 45:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Alright guys, I'm glad you're here.
• 45:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you had some good laughs in there.
• 45:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that you are encouraged.
• 45:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Encourage to do more than take a paper plate, but you know what?
• 45:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're all doing the best we can.
• 45:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: So friends, keep tuning back in.
• 45:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: More fun people coming on.
• 45:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Some surprise guests, some hilarious guests, all the things, and again,
• 45:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be so grateful if you would grab a copy of how to miss that and heck as you're listening to this if you're really Encourage by the content you might want one for friend or for send one to your kiddos teacher Whatever it may be that would be amazing all right you guys thanks for being a part of the mesmerized family.
• 45:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're the very best