Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Attachment Styles - what's yours and how does it impact your relationship and your divorce?

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Attachment Styles - what's yours and how does it impact your relationship and your divorce? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Today is the first in a little mini series on attachment styles.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've been asked a lot about it.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It often comes up in my one-to-one client work, and so thought I would.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I started with one episode, but realized there is so much to attachment styles that it's probably going to be more than one episode, and so we have a series.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, attachment theory was developed in the 1950s by a psychologist and psychiatrist, John Bowlby, and his work was centered on children and how they responded to their caregiver because it was the 1950s, primarily the mother.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been developed and deepened and expanded since then, of course.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: But what attachment theory does is give us a unique insight into how we form, how we create relationships, our emotional functioning and behaviour in relationships throughout our adulthood.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really interesting, I think, and of course I'm going to say I believe it's really important to reflect on your attachment style and how it showed up in your past relationships.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you're separated, separating, divorced, or divorcing, understanding your attachment patterns and your unique attachment style can help you while you divorce and negotiate with your ex, and it can also help you when you are developing new relationships, stepping back into the dating scene and forming new relationships.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding how you show up in relationship with the person that you're separating from, that you're perhaps negotiating with, you're mediating with, as well as how they show up and interact and engage.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding both of those sides can be a real game changer when it comes to negotiation and when it comes to mediation.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: But that's a whole other episode that is coming soon.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding your attachment style, as I said, is also really super important and super helpful when it comes to dating and forming new relationships after separation, after divorce.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you don't know what your attachment style is, this episode will help you figure it out.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: There are lots of online quizzes that you can do, but as well as listening to this episode, think about your family of origin, your parents' relationship, and how they related to you as a child.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: What were you taught in your family, in your childhood, about love, about giving and receiving love, about giving and receiving love, but also about acceptance and approval.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: How were you loved, accepted, approved of, or not in your family as a child?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Reflecting on that can give you some insight into your family's attachment styles and therefore your own.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to talk about what attachment style is, how it's formed, and how it shows up in the ways that we interact with others before going on to speak about the four main attachment styles in more detail and how they show up through mediation, through separation, through divorce.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, attachment theory outlines four really broad attachment styles.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, there is a secure attachment, then there is anxious attachment, also known as preoccupied, then there is dismissive avoidant, and also fearful avoidant, which is also known as disorganized attachment.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Each of these styles, each of these attachment styles or types has a different pattern and they show up in our behavior in different ways.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And each of these attachment styles has a different story of origin, a different way they form.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to you to remember that our attachment style, while it's formed in our childhood, isn't fixed or set solidly in stone.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: It can and it does change as we mature.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: We can grow perhaps towards a more secure attachment.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you know you're not doomed if your primary attachment style is anxious or avoidant.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And we can also flip back into a previous iteration.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if we're tending towards a more secure attachment, but we have previously been anxious or avoidant, under stress, in conflict, we can flip back into that previous attachment style.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it is situational, it is relational, it depends on your age, stat not age, it depends on your stage and who you're relating with.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not fixed, it's not rigid, but flexible and responsive, I should say.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And our attachment style can change as we adapt over the course of your life, even within a relationship or from one relationship to another, because we change and we heal and we expand our attachment style in relation to other humans.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: We can't necessarily do that by ourselves.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we can do some of the individual healing work, but our attachment style is really activated, I suppose, or shows up.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say triggered, it's not, shows up in the way we relate to other humans.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And also want to point out that your attachment style isn't bad or wrong.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a learned response, a learned set of behaviors or tools that you've adopted to keep yourself emotionally safe.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You've learned these strategies, and they might may not be the most developed or effective behaviors, but they aren't a psychological disorder or even something that needs necessarily to be fixed.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're completely comfortable and happy in the way you relate to others, then your attachment style is just something that you might want to be aware of rather than shift or change.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you can think about your attachment style more as something that gives you information about the way you operate or tend to operate in relation to other people.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Gives you information about the things that cause you emotional distress or stress within your relationship, and then how you respond to that stress, the behaviors you choose or adopt to manage that stress.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Again, your attachment style remains fluid, and while we tend to think that most people's attachment patterns are developed in childhood in your family of origin, it is actually possible due to relationship stress or lived experience for that to change in adulthood, say to develop a more insecure attachment style later in life.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: For those who have a disorganized or a fearful avoidant attachment style, that is often born of significant trauma in early childhood.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So possibly, probably the most difficult to shift or the one that you need the most support and help with to shift.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: But we'll get into that a little bit later.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just good to know that it's it is really possible to unlearn whatever set of unique circumstances led you to developing a particular attachment style.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can unlearn the behavior patterns you've adopted and edge yourself towards a more secure style of attachment.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really important to remember too that it's not black or white.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just one thing one and done.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have a sliding scale of attachment, you know, and the majority of us, the majority of people will exhibit or be or present with a combination of attachment styles.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: We're not just all or nothing.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Often we have a primary attachment style and then a more defensive or maladaptive secondary style.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you might be mostly secure but have a dismissive avoidant defense.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it might be true that I'm talking about myself there in some situations.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm generally secure, but I might have a dismissive avoidant defense mechanism that chips in when I feel stressed or anxious or activated in a relationship or a situation.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: In some situations, we might tip into a more anxiously attached style or attached anxiously attached behaviour patterns.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now at that secondary style tends to show up when we are most stressed or when we are stressed or in conflict.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So our attachment style does depend a little bit on circumstances and the dynamics of the particular relationship we're in at the time.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: For example, as I said, you might mostly operate from a secure attachment style, but maybe you show some anxious traits if you're stressed or in conflict, or when you're in a particular relationship with a more avoidant partner.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might be primarily anxious, but you can shift towards a more secure attachment style, a more securely attached way of behaving when you're in a supportive, loving relationship with someone who is more secure, who is more of who is emotionally available to you and can support you to self-soothe and shift yourself to a more secure space, a more securely attached way of behaving.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even so, as I said, you may then flip back into a more anxious style when there's higher stress or more conflict in the relationship, or that person is less available to you.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the origins of each of the attachment styles.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, attachment style, as I said, typically form in childhood and it is based around our early interactions with caregivers in our family of origin.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So let's start with secure attachment.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: It is based in or formed from consistent and responsive caregiving by caregivers.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, you experience caregivers who are consistently responsive to your needs, providing comfort, support, security, and there is a stable, predictable environment.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Your caregivers are reliably available and help you feel safe and understood.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's also an element of exploration that's encouraged.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Independence is encouraged and exploration is encouraged while the caregiver remains a secure, stable base for this the child to return to when they need to.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: So we learn to rely on our caregivers and in turn to rely on ourselves.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: We learn that it's safe to be alone at times because our caregivers are predictable.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: We know that they're going to be there, they can be relied on to be there, they're coming back if they leave, they're physically and emotionally available to us.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it feels safe to venture out into the world knowing that we have a safe space to land and also we can be safe by ourselves.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the formation of a secure attachment.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Anxious attachment, by contrast, is in part formed by inconsistent caregiving or inconsistent messaging around love and acceptance and the presence of our caregivers.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, perhaps caregivers who are unpredictable in their response in their responses.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes attentive, sometimes a child's needs are met with affection, while perhaps other times they're ignored or belittled or met with irritation that causes confusion and anxiety in the child.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this inconsistency leads a child to be uncertain about the caregiver, uncertain about the love and acceptance and caregiving and whether it's going to be available.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that sort of fosters insecurity, anxiety.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: When caregivers are inconsistent in providing that emotional support, a child learns that their needs might not always be met.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this unpredictability causes a child to become hyper-vigilant and anxious, constantly seeking reassurance and validation.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a key thing, a key element of an anxiously attached person.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're constantly seeking that reassurance and validation of others, of a partner, of a friend.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Overprotective or intrusive parenting can also cause anxiety in the child by not allowing them to develop autonomy or a sense of agency.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So the child may become overly dependent on the caregiver for creating that emotional security, providing that emotional security, and if it is not there, they fear this abandonment or rejection.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: So again, that can contribute to an anxiously attached adult or an anxious, anxious attachment style.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: The intermittent reinforcement makes the child excessively preoccupied with obtaining and maintaining the caregiver's attention, affection, and emotional validation.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: If caregivers themselves are anxious or insecure, then they may transmit these feelings to the child.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the child in turn learns to mirror this anxiety, becoming overly concerned about their relationships and the potential for rejection or abandonment.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it's that episodic, sometimes present, sometimes not present, which causes the anxiety in the child.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: They never quite know whether they're going to be met emotionally, sometimes even physically, have them their needs met.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: So they become hyper-vigilant and overly concerned about ensuring that they are cared for, that their caregiver is present.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Fearful, avoidant attachment is also known as disorganized attachment, and it often develops from a combination of trauma, abuse, inconsistent caregiving, and negative experiences in early childhood.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Children who experience trauma, abuse, or severe neglect often develop a fearful, avoidant attachment style.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: These traumatic experiences in early childhood create a sense of fear, confusion about relationships, and uncertainty about the availability of caregivers for support and even basic protection.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exposure to family or domestic violence, parental conflict can also contribute.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, witnessing violence or intense parental conflict can contribute to the development of this type of attachment style.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Children learn that caregivers cannot be relied upon or that they are frightening.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Caregivers who are inconsistent or actually absent or dangerous and damaging create fear, distress, confusion, insecurity, and the child never knows whether that caregiver is actually going to be present or not.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they're nurturing, sometimes they're not, sometimes they're present, sometimes they're not.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: A child growing up in this circumstance doesn't have a safe base, and without that consistent, safe caregiver to rely on, they learn to trust nobody.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: If a child is raised by caregivers who have their own unresolved trauma or attachment issues, I suppose, can project their fears and insecurities onto the child, creating a really unstable, frightening, unpredictable environment, leading the child to develop their own fearful avoidant attachment style.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Dismissive avoidant attachment style is where as a child, or develops where I should say, as a child, your emotional needs are either directly rejected or neglected due to a parent's absence, at least emotional absence.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, someone who has a dismissive, avoidant attachment style learned to tend to their own needs, becoming highly self-sufficient and independent often at a very young age.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: This was to protect them from the emotional pain of being let down, the hurt or disappointment caused by being neglected or rejected by their caregiver.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not always an overt, abusive neglect or rejection by a caregiver.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: It can just be an incapacity or an inability to be emotionally available for the child.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, emotionally distant caregiving where the child experiences caregivers who are emotionally unavailable, emotionally distant, unresponsive, or dismissive of the child's needs, leading the child to learn that expressing their needs is pointless.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Having needs is pointless, and they need to rely on themselves for comfort, for soothe, for soothing, for support.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Another contributing factor to developing a dismissive avoidant attachment style is where a child is encouraged either through necessity or just by parenting style, they're encouraged to be independent really early.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or they simply discourage from seeking comfort or support or expressing vulnerability.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe the caregiver is uncomfortable with that level of vulnerability themselves.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: A parent, and so as a parent or a caregiver, discourages it in their child, or they're rejecting or dismissive of the behavior when a child expresses emotion or needs.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so the child learns to rely on themselves, only on themselves, suppressing emotional needs and really becoming self-sufficient to avoid that disappointment or rejection of their caregiver not being emotionally available to them.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just a negative response by a caregiver, where a caregiver reacts negatively to the emotional expression of a child, maybe they show irritation or anger or even indifference.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: So the child learns that emotions, needs are unwelcome or problematic, so they push them down.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, as children, we model the behavior we see and experience.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if our caregivers themselves are emotionally distant or avoidant, if one of our parents is emotionally distant or avoidant, a child learns that behavior.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: They believe it's normal.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is how you do life, this is how you do relationships, and so adopt similar behaviours and attitudes towards emotional closeness and intimacy.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: These types of early life experiences teach the child to prioritize self-reliance, autonomy, leading to an attachment style that is characterized by discomfort with any form of vulnerability or emotional intimacy, allowing anyone else to get close or pushing them away when they do.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, in summary, secure attachment forms from consistent, responsive, and supportive caregiving.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anxious attachment develops from inconsistent and unpredictable caregiving, where the child becomes hyper-vigilant or fixated on making sure that they are attended, their needs are met, they are emotionally cared for.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Fearful avoidant attachment usually arises from traumatic or abusive or neglectful caregiving.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And dismissive avoidant attachment results from emotionally distant or a rejecting style of caregiving where a child learns to be hyper-independent quite early, to rely on themselves.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: So the attachment style we personally develop depends on our early childhood experience, our family of origin, how we're taught, as I said in the very beginning, to give and receive love and how our caregivers show up for and tend to our emotional as well as our physical needs.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's essentially about how our caregivers connect with us, tend to our needs, and this shapes our understanding of ourselves and others and relationships, and it turns into this template for how we view the work.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: World, how we navigate the world and our connection to other humans, our relationships.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like a roadmap, it's a style of behaving, and our attachment style influences how we think, what we feel, what we believe, and it impacts our behavior, including how we behave in and after relationships throughout our life.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so, as adults, when we bring two humans together with different attachment styles, it impacts the relationship.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: It impacts who we're attracted to, it impacts how we show up for one another or not within a relationship.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so understanding your attachment style and also reflecting on perhaps the other person's attachment style, whether that is a past relationship, someone you're currently navigating a separation or mediation or divorce with, or someone new, it can help you understand the dynamic of the relationship.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if there are things within your own attachment style that you're wanting to shift or change, opening a conversation with that other person that you're in relationship with about this can be really helpful.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes less of a you do this, which drives me crazy, and more of an unpacking or an untangling of the dance that is your attachment style and their attachment style, and how that influences the way you feel, the way you behave.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Think, for example, of a dismissive avoidant person coupled with an anxiously attached person.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: The anxiously attached person is going to constantly be seeking reassurance that the relationship is safe, that they are emotionally safe, they are wanting connection and contact, and to the dismissive avoidant, that can feel really invasive.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the dismissive avoidant basically puts a palm up, mm-mm, I've had enough of this, steps back, retreats, dismisses, avoids.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: The anxiously attached person steps forward and continues and perhaps um escalates the behavior so that dismissive attack dismissively dismissive avoidant, I'm sorry, steps back even further.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it creates disconnect where each of you really wants connection, but you can't find it in that the dance or the interaction between those two attachment styles.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can bring that to awareness and talk about how you each seek to connect and what your attachment styles mean for the two of you in relationship together, it can be really healing.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like my help and support to do this, particularly as you navigate your way out of a relationship through a separation, divorce, or even healing afterwards, please book an intro call.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's chat about how that can look.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: There will be two more episodes to come on attachment style.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: One, a deeper dive into each of the attachment styles that I talked about today, each of the four, and how they show up or how they inform our behaviour as adults in relationship, and then a third episode on attachment style and using attachment style and understanding your attachment style as you navigate a separation and a divorce and a reorganise reorganisation of life afterwards.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who would benefit from listening to this, could be your ex, I would love for you to share it with them.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, go well.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.