Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep45: Nick aimed straight for Brian’s face; Evelyn lied through the sunburn.

Transcript

Ep45: Nick aimed straight for Brian’s face; Evelyn lied through the sunburn. · Reverse Jackass

0:00
SPEAKER_03: It's reverse.
0:08
SPEAKER_02: Okay, lead us in.
0:09
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna lead us in.
0:10
SPEAKER_02: Lead us in.
0:11
SPEAKER_02: Folks, welcome back to the reverse jackass podcast.
0:14
SPEAKER_02: I'm so glad to have you here.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm Nick.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: With me as always is Evelyn the Canadian.
0:17
SPEAKER_02: Blade Evelyn, say hi to the people.
0:19
SPEAKER_02: Hi, one and all, to all of you.
0:22
SPEAKER_02: And one of you and all of you.
0:25
SPEAKER_02: That's what a beautiful, almost Dekenzian sort of greeting.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to leave anybody out.
0:32
SPEAKER_01: That's so good.
0:33
SPEAKER_01: I you know, that's very Canadian.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't be more Canadian, actually, if I tried.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: That's true.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
0:39
SPEAKER_02: So Evelyn, I'm gonna share with you the original prompt for this for this episode, but I'm gonna tell you that it's not the prompt for this episode.
0:48
SPEAKER_02: I pivoted.
0:49
SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh gosh.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: Great.
0:51
SPEAKER_02: Great.
0:51
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:52
SPEAKER_02: So the the original prompt for this episode was who is the worst Brian that you know?
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
0:57
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
0:58
SPEAKER_02: That is not going to be a question I'm going to ask you, right?
1:00
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:01
SPEAKER_02: But I was thinking about the worst Brian that I know.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
1:03
SPEAKER_02: And the worst Brian that I know was a kid uh that I went to school with uh from elementary school through high school.
1:09
SPEAKER_02: And those of you who know me may not be surprised, or those of you who don't know me may not be surprised to find that I was bullied a lot as a kid, right?
1:16
SPEAKER_02: Um, and there might be people out there listening right now who would say, Oh, if I could just meet Nick, I would bully the shit out of him.
1:22
SPEAKER_02: And I would get that because I've had that response to people too, right?
1:26
SPEAKER_02: But as a kid, I was bullied a lot.
1:27
SPEAKER_02: And there was this kid in my first grade class named Brian, and Brian was like just kind of a big asshole.
1:32
SPEAKER_02: And I know that feels weird to say about a six-year-old, but Brian was a big six-year-old asshole, right?
1:37
SPEAKER_02: And he like held me hostage on the playground set at one point.
1:42
SPEAKER_02: He was just kind of a shithead, and he grew up to be an even bigger shithead.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: Right?
1:47
SPEAKER_02: Frig.
1:48
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:48
SPEAKER_02: But one day I'm it's first grade and I'm playing soccer with everybody, except I suck at soccer and I suck at sports, and I'm not any good at it.
1:56
SPEAKER_02: And I can never get anybody to kick me the ball.
1:58
SPEAKER_02: But also, there's 35 kids on the playground anyway.
2:00
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, 35 kids of one ball, your odds aren't good anyway.
2:03
SPEAKER_02: And so I'm just miserable, just miserable, running around, hoping to get one touch on the soccer ball.
2:09
SPEAKER_02: And Brian's there and he's running around.
2:11
SPEAKER_02: And because I have nothing to do, I'm just looking at him and thinking, I hate this guy.
2:15
SPEAKER_02: I just hate him so bad.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: I hate him with the heat of a thousand sons.
2:18
SPEAKER_02: I just hate him.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: And then eventually I start to think about it and I think if the ball comes this way, I'm not even going to try to kick it to the goal or to another kid.
2:25
SPEAKER_02: I'm going to kick it at Brian as hard as I possibly fucking can.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: And in that moment that I had that thought, as if by by spiritual divination or perhaps by telekinesis, the ball flew away from the scrum of kids and towards me.
2:40
SPEAKER_02: And I squared up, non-athlete that I am, and I kicked that ball so fucking hard you would have thought my foot broke.
2:46
SPEAKER_02: And that ball sailed straight through the air into Brian's face.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: It hit him like it had been shot by an army sniper out of a t-shirt cannon.
2:57
SPEAKER_02: Pow! Just bam! Slams into his face.
3:02
SPEAKER_02: Like a nuclear bomb, right?
3:03
SPEAKER_02: Just bam! He goes down.
3:05
SPEAKER_02: There is blood everywhere.
3:09
SPEAKER_02: He's crying.
3:10
SPEAKER_02: Take that, Brian.
3:12
SPEAKER_02: Take that, Brian, right?
3:14
SPEAKER_02: And he is upset.
3:16
SPEAKER_02: And somehow it happens that we both go in with the teachers so that the teachers can deal with him.
3:22
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know how I got halten by this, right?
3:25
SPEAKER_02: But here is where my reputation as a very good and cooperative kid plays in for me because the teachers loved me.
3:32
SPEAKER_02: And I can't say for sure, but my expectation is that they hated Brian because, as I mentioned before, he was a king-size shithead, right?
3:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
3:39
SPEAKER_02: And so we're there we are in Mrs.
3:41
SPEAKER_02: Stack's classroom.
3:42
SPEAKER_02: Mrs.
3:42
SPEAKER_02: Stack, if you're still out there, uh hope, hope all is well.
3:45
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
3:46
SPEAKER_02: How's the last 40 years been?
3:47
SPEAKER_02: Um it's confession time, Mrs.
3:49
SPEAKER_01: Stack.
3:50
SPEAKER_01: It's confession time.
3:51
SPEAKER_02: It's confession time.
3:52
SPEAKER_02: If you're listening, I've held on to this for 40 long years.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
3:56
SPEAKER_01: If Mrs.
3:57
SPEAKER_01: Stax is worth her salt, she knew.
4:01
SPEAKER_01: She knew.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'll tell you.
4:03
SPEAKER_02: Because this is interesting.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: That comes into specific debate in this thing.
4:07
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
4:08
SPEAKER_02: Because Brian is fucking sobbing.
4:10
SPEAKER_02: The teachers are holding up, you know, it was the 80s, so like there's no OSHA or anything.
4:14
SPEAKER_02: Like, do you all have OSHA in Canada?
4:15
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, no, I don't know what that is.
4:17
SPEAKER_02: OSHA's like all the mandates of how to handle blood and bodily fluids.
4:20
SPEAKER_02: You know, back then the teachers would just like spit into a napkin and clean you off with it.
4:25
SPEAKER_02: Now they like have to get a whole kid and fill out an incident report and use gloves anytime a kid bleeds and stuff.
4:29
SPEAKER_02: Yes, okay.
4:30
SPEAKER_02: So Brian is there, he's bleeding.
4:31
SPEAKER_02: Teachers have like a Kleenex filled with ice and they're holding it up to him, and they're like, Oh, Brian, you know, Brian, it's okay.
4:37
SPEAKER_02: Calm down.
4:38
SPEAKER_02: And Brian, Brian goes, uh, hey, he knocked my tooth out.
4:43
SPEAKER_02: I knocked his fucking tooth out.
4:45
SPEAKER_02: And the teachers go, That's okay, Brian.
4:48
SPEAKER_02: It's you know, it's the baby tooth.
4:49
SPEAKER_02: It'll, it'll, you know, you'll have a new one grow in.
4:52
SPEAKER_02: And Brian threw snotty sobs, goes, It was uh bourbon and suit.
4:57
SPEAKER_02: Oh, no.
4:58
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
4:59
SPEAKER_02: And the teacher's like, oh, okay, Brian.
5:02
SPEAKER_02: Well, we'll we'll I mean, imagine the force I got on this ball.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'll never make another kick like that in my life.
5:07
SPEAKER_02: So then the teachers are like, Okay, Brian, well, we'll call your parents and we'll get you sent to the dentist.
5:11
SPEAKER_02: And the and Brian goes, he did it on purpose.
5:16
SPEAKER_01: Sounds like something Brian would say.
5:17
SPEAKER_02: And Mrs.
5:18
SPEAKER_02: Stack said, Oh, Brian, I'm sure Nicholas didn't do that on purpose.
5:21
SPEAKER_02: And I said, Oh, I would never, I would never do that on purpose.
5:26
SPEAKER_02: And I got away with it, Evelyn.
5:29
SPEAKER_02: And I knocked Brian's permanent tooth out of his mouth with a soccer ball at the tender old age of six or seven years old, and I got away with it.
5:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and thus began your life of crime.
5:40
SPEAKER_02: Thus began my life of crime to this day.
5:42
SPEAKER_02: One of the more satisfying moments that I've ever had in my life.
5:45
SPEAKER_02: So, my question for you, Evelyn, is not who is the worst Brian that you've ever met.
5:48
SPEAKER_02: My question for you is what is the biggest thing you ever got away with?
5:51
SPEAKER_01: It's a great story.
5:52
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
5:53
SPEAKER_02: I'm known for it.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: That is a great story and a great prompt.
5:56
SPEAKER_01: And I'm already thinking, I think of two.
5:58
SPEAKER_01: Can I tell two stories?
5:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, of course you can.
6:00
SPEAKER_01: It's your podcast.
6:01
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's 50%.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: We have joint custody if this one gets fast.
6:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
6:04
SPEAKER_03: That's right.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: When I was younger, and this was a story I was going to bring up on the podcast, but it actually fits beautifully into this.
6:10
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
6:11
SPEAKER_01: When I was young, uh, and my sister Heather, who we have brought onto this podcast already, we were playing outside.
6:17
SPEAKER_01: I grew up on a farm and we had a large gravel laneway.
6:21
SPEAKER_01: And it was there's a bit of a slope, like it sloped up to the road.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: And so when we would ride our bikes and stuff, we would often stick to the to the gravel laneway into the barnyard because the road that we lived off of was actually kind of a major highway.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: Like there it was fairly busy.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it was paved, like it wasn't.
6:38
SPEAKER_01: Are you big timing me right now?
6:39
SPEAKER_02: You're like, by the way, I lived off of bigger highways.
6:43
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you know this, but I was kind of a big deal in Lambton County.
6:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
6:47
SPEAKER_02: You kind of can't get through Lambton County without taking this highway, the King Highway, as it were.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like you know, whatever.
6:53
SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to name drop, but since you took us there, so we didn't go onto the road, is what I'm saying.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't super safe as a young kid, whatever.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: So we would ride our bikes.
7:02
SPEAKER_01: So we're riding our bikes on this on this laneway, and I ran my sister over with the bike.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: Full blown, ran her right over on gravel, on gravel, and she got stones embedded in her bum cheeks.
7:20
SPEAKER_02: How embedded?
7:21
SPEAKER_02: Tell me about embedded.
7:22
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, like they're not still there, sure.
7:24
SPEAKER_02: But like, did you have to use tweezers or some kind of implement like that kind of embedded?
7:28
SPEAKER_02: Or like I don't remember.
7:29
SPEAKER_02: You don't remember Evelyn.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: Well, it wasn't my bum cheek.
7:33
SPEAKER_02: Or else we have to have Heather back on the podcast again.
7:35
SPEAKER_02: Although I don't want to out you for this thing because this is about you getting away with something.
7:38
SPEAKER_01: I'm not going to well, no, she knows she was the one who told me to tell this story.
7:43
SPEAKER_01: She's like, tell the time.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I ran her over with my bike.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: I forgot.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: She passed out, got stones and got stones embedded in her bum, and then she got in trouble for running in front of me on the bike.
7:57
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
7:58
SPEAKER_02: She passed out.
7:59
SPEAKER_02: Do you mean she was knocked out?
8:00
SPEAKER_02: That doesn't sound like a like she got the vapors.
8:03
SPEAKER_02: That sounds like she like get out the smelling salt.
8:07
SPEAKER_02: She got she put her hand over her forehead.
8:09
SPEAKER_02: Like her voice over her.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: We have a fainting couch in the barnyard.
8:12
SPEAKER_02: No, instead, what it is is that her sister ran over her with her bike on a gravel thing, which is torture in some countries.
8:19
SPEAKER_02: Um she lost consciousness.
8:21
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
8:22
SPEAKER_02: Uh, are you calling her?
8:23
SPEAKER_02: Is that what's going on?
8:23
SPEAKER_01: Nope, no, because I know she's at work right now.
8:25
SPEAKER_01: What I am gonna do is it didn't matter last time, did it?
8:28
SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm just telling the story about me running you over with my bike, period.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: Nick wants to know how deeply embedded the stones were in your bum cheek, period.
8:37
SPEAKER_01: Like, did we have to get tweezers?
8:39
SPEAKER_01: Question mark.
8:40
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
8:40
SPEAKER_02: That doesn't make me sound like a fucking creep at all.
8:42
SPEAKER_02: No, that's fine.
8:43
SPEAKER_02: Tell me about tell me about whether they use tweezers on your well, you're not, I mean, you're not her brother filming her.
8:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly, right?
8:50
SPEAKER_02: Hillary Duff.
8:51
SPEAKER_02: Like, this would be this would be.
8:52
SPEAKER_02: So, speaking of raise your voice, how much better would that movie have been if he had like if he had submitted the video of him running her over with a bicycle and losing consciousness?
9:02
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it would be so good.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I said, Did we have to get tweezers?
9:05
SPEAKER_01: And she said, sure did.
9:07
SPEAKER_01: Sure did.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: That's how deep those things are.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: So was this on purpose, Evelyn?
9:11
SPEAKER_01: How many stones were there?
9:12
SPEAKER_01: Question mark.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: Like a lot or one question mark.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: And did you pass out because I ran you over?
9:17
SPEAKER_01: Question mark.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, what was the question?
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Did you did I do this on purpose?
9:21
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
9:22
SPEAKER_01: Honest answer is I don't know.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: I clearly know that she ran.
9:26
SPEAKER_01: Don't give me that face.
9:28
SPEAKER_02: The black box of Evelyn's childhood psychology, right?
9:31
SPEAKER_02: Like, I don't know.
9:32
SPEAKER_02: Stuff goes in, stuff goes out.
9:37
SPEAKER_03: Who knows where the hobo goes when it snows.
9:41
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: I remember that person who followed you on Instagram three and a half years ago, but I have no idea if I actually ran my sister over on purpose with my powder pink 12-speed bike.
9:53
SPEAKER_01: I remember there being a few tiny stones, like five.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: And I guessing, I am guessing, yes, I passed out because you ran me over.
10:00
SPEAKER_01: It's buried in the annals of history.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: Again, passed out strikes me as both of you all handling this with kid gloves.
10:06
SPEAKER_02: We didn't say, oh, he the airbags blew up, and he passed out.
10:10
SPEAKER_01: And he passed out.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: She said, I don't remember me hitting my head though.
10:13
SPEAKER_01: Well, I didn't remember.
10:15
SPEAKER_02: The fight in the 70s between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman when they hit each other for like 12 rounds and then and then Muhammad Ali passed out.
10:24
SPEAKER_02: And then he fainted.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: And then he and then he just passed out.
10:28
SPEAKER_01: And then he just got a little bit of the little bit of the vertigos, and whoo.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:33
SPEAKER_01: The next thing you know, the room spun a little bit.
10:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
10:36
SPEAKER_02: But he just kind of probably blood sugar.
10:38
SPEAKER_02: It was either it was either you hitting her with a bike or a blood sugar that that made her feel like.
10:42
SPEAKER_02: Definitely hypoglycemia.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: That's what it was.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: So you got away with that.
10:46
SPEAKER_01: Well, she got in trouble.
10:47
SPEAKER_02: She got in trouble.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: She got in trouble.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: I so I didn't get in trouble for that.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: She got in trouble for running it in front of me.
10:52
SPEAKER_02: And what trouble did she get in?
10:53
SPEAKER_02: Like, how how was it?
10:55
SPEAKER_02: That strikes me.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: She already sort of paid a price for that.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: She did between Yeah, I don't know if there's a concussion, but her memory is way worse than mine.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: Oh, interesting.
11:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: Those two things are definitely not related.
11:10
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't know.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: Like, I I'm sure I got a, you know, what were you thinking?
11:14
SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, and I would be like, oh, I didn't stop.
11:17
SPEAKER_02: You know, like and then you just wrist moved your arm in a grand gesture, like, what was I thinking?
11:21
SPEAKER_02: This is what I was thinking.
11:22
SPEAKER_01: This and then she had like a tire track right down.
11:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
11:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
11:26
SPEAKER_02: Her face.
11:27
SPEAKER_02: My masterpiece.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: I don't remember even where I ran her over.
11:30
SPEAKER_01: Like it, like, I would think if I actually ran her, like, ran her over with my bike, like I've always been larger than Heather.
11:38
SPEAKER_01: So, like, if I ran her abdomen over, she's getting more internal bleeding than any doctor in Inwood had ever seen.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: How many?
11:47
SPEAKER_02: None.
11:48
SPEAKER_02: Boy, an Inwood doctor sounds like an interesting An Inward Doctor sounds like a drink at a really crappy bar.
11:55
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:55
SPEAKER_02: Like I was the Inwood Doctor.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: Right, exactly.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: I I can't wait to have some of that Chesterfield County, Virginia champagne.
12:03
SPEAKER_02: Uh so that's Mountain Dew and engine oil.
12:07
SPEAKER_02: I don't know where I ran her over.
12:09
SPEAKER_02: Evelyn, you ran her over on the pelvis because she had rocks embedded in her ass.
12:13
SPEAKER_01: Fair, but how is she not like how was she not like bleeding out of every orifice she had then?
12:18
SPEAKER_01: If I actually ran her over.
12:21
SPEAKER_02: You are making some leaps here, Evelyn.
12:23
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm trying to fill in the gaps.
12:25
SPEAKER_01: I don't remember all this.
12:26
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but how is she not bleeding from every orifice?
12:29
SPEAKER_02: If you ran over her pelvis, she wouldn't bleed out of her ears.
12:33
SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
12:34
SPEAKER_02: Like you're making it sound like it's Ebola.
12:35
SPEAKER_02: Like, how is she how is she not poltergeisting blood all over the drive?
12:39
SPEAKER_02: How did she survive?
12:40
SPEAKER_02: Here's what happened: she she's an innocent kid.
12:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
12:43
SPEAKER_02: She's out there having a good time, looking up to her big sister, just dreaming dreams about the, you know, the Canadian dream and how wonderful life is gonna be.
12:50
SPEAKER_02: And then suddenly a menace on a 12-speed bike comes along, nearly crushing her pelvis, embedding, embedding rocks in her ass, yeah, and then giving her what sounds like a major concussion that's leading to memory loss to this day.
13:05
SPEAKER_02: And you're like, she should have bled more.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
13:11
SPEAKER_01: You make some very valid points.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
13:13
SPEAKER_01: The second story moving right along, yeah.
13:17
SPEAKER_01: Moving right along was when I was in grade 12.
13:21
SPEAKER_01: Grade 12, grade 13, thereabouts.
13:23
SPEAKER_01: Fine a senior in high school.
13:24
SPEAKER_01: I know you hate when I mention grade 13.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: I know I love when I as a person who did first grade twice, it makes me feel better that you went to grade 13 because it means that like you literally chose to go to an extra year of high school.
13:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you had to.
13:37
SPEAKER_01: You went to go to university.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: That was the only way you could do it.
13:41
SPEAKER_02: The only way you can go to university is to go to 13th grade.
13:43
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
13:44
SPEAKER_01: Do you hear what a fun house that sounds like?
13:47
SPEAKER_01: No.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: Like you could go if you were going to college, you'd go to grade 12.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: But if you were going to university, you had to go to grade 13.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: What a fucking money grab that is.
13:59
SPEAKER_02: They're like, Yeah, sorry, man, 13th grade.
14:02
SPEAKER_02: If you want to go to university.
14:03
SPEAKER_02: By the way, in the United States, college and university are the same exact thing.
14:06
SPEAKER_02: And in fact, the place I went to was a college that later just became a university.
14:10
SPEAKER_02: And I'm pretty sure all it took was paperwork to make that happen.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so what did you leave your university with?
14:16
SPEAKER_01: A degree?
14:16
SPEAKER_01: Or your college with sorry.
14:18
SPEAKER_01: What did you I left college with a degree?
14:20
SPEAKER_01: College with a degree.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: Okay, you don't get degrees from college here.
14:24
SPEAKER_01: What do you get?
14:25
SPEAKER_01: You get diplomas.
14:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
14:27
SPEAKER_02: So like in high school.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
14:30
SPEAKER_02: So they're like, wait, you get now.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm now see conversations like this make me second guess myself a lot.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: And that is good.
14:38
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it wouldn't be an America versus Canada podcast if I didn't do a little bit of gaslighting for you.
14:44
SPEAKER_02: If I didn't play some mind games, yeah.
14:47
SPEAKER_02: A diploma versus degree.
14:49
SPEAKER_01: Can you get degrees from a college?
14:52
SPEAKER_02: Oh, you're using Oh, you can! Oh wow.
14:57
SPEAKER_02: And you went to 13th grade for nothing.
14:59
SPEAKER_01: Why did I do it?
15:02
SPEAKER_02: Because you're like some kind of weird lower education fetishist?
15:07
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
15:08
SPEAKER_01: My whole life is a sham.
15:10
SPEAKER_02: You should have come to the United States.
15:12
SPEAKER_02: We would have sent you straight to university after 12th grade.
15:14
SPEAKER_01: I feel like probably would have been easier to be in the United States then.
15:20
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
15:21
SPEAKER_02: You could imagine this.
15:22
SPEAKER_02: You could have gone to some nice Canadian school, but you could have gone a year earlier.
15:26
SPEAKER_02: You could have been at McGill after 12th grade.
15:28
SPEAKER_02: Think about that.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: McGill in Quebec?
15:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
15:32
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that like Canadian Harbor?
15:34
SPEAKER_02: That's what I've heard.
15:34
SPEAKER_02: Am I crazy?
15:35
SPEAKER_02: That's what I heard.
15:36
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
15:36
SPEAKER_02: Am I wrong?
15:37
SPEAKER_01: I don't know anymore.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: I don't know anything anymore.
15:40
SPEAKER_02: We're both I feel like I'm losing my mooring here.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: Anyway, I'm sorry.
15:43
SPEAKER_02: I keep talking over your story.
15:44
SPEAKER_02: So what's the what's the second best thing you got away with?
15:46
SPEAKER_01: The second best thing I got away with was it was senior skip day.
15:50
SPEAKER_01: It was beach day.
15:51
SPEAKER_01: Gosh, beach day.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: If you could just wipe that shit eating grin off.
15:55
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
15:55
SPEAKER_02: I'm excited to hear about I'm excited to hear about these beaches.
15:58
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, there's beaches up here.
16:00
SPEAKER_01: I mean, okay, Mr.
16:01
SPEAKER_01: I live literally on the Pacific Ocean.
16:04
SPEAKER_01: I live in a pissing contest away from Santa Monica Pier.
16:08
SPEAKER_01: That would be an incredible piss.
16:09
SPEAKER_01: So we're talking about Lake Day.
16:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, lake day.
16:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Lake Day.
16:14
SPEAKER_01: Lake Huron Day.
16:17
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
16:17
SPEAKER_02: Just like the beach boys always used to sing about.
16:20
SPEAKER_01: You're being like the lake boys.
16:22
SPEAKER_01: You I will say you are being extra American today.
16:25
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
16:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
16:27
SPEAKER_01: No, it's not bad.
16:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm just noticing.
16:29
SPEAKER_01: I am approaching with curiosity.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: We've dialed it up today.
16:34
SPEAKER_02: I got a little more sleep, is the actual I'm a little rested.
16:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm not angry about it.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: I'm just making an observation.
16:40
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
16:40
SPEAKER_01: And I appreciate you just approaching this every story, every half word I say without a filter.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: It makes storytelling so fun.
16:52
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm sorry.
16:53
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing that thing.
16:53
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
16:54
SPEAKER_01: I'm done.
16:55
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing that thing.
16:56
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing that thing.
16:58
SPEAKER_01: Remember, we're trying to make you look good too on this podcast.
17:02
SPEAKER_01: So, like I think that's a good idea.
17:03
SPEAKER_01: Shape is sailed.
17:05
SPEAKER_01: Shape is sailed.
17:06
SPEAKER_01: So grade 12, grade 13, whatever, who cares?
17:09
SPEAKER_01: Uh, 18, 19 years old, everyone just decides on a day and then they skip.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: And everyone signs out, or they don't sign out, and they just go to the beach and no one's left at school.
17:18
SPEAKER_01: So I went to this.
17:20
SPEAKER_01: I was I was a pretty dedicated student.
17:23
SPEAKER_01: I skipped maybe twice in my entire life.
17:27
SPEAKER_01: Like I just didn't do it.
17:29
SPEAKER_01: And so everyone's we're all at the beach.
17:32
SPEAKER_01: That day, I also had uh because I was doing my Royal Conservatory piano exams as well.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: So I don't, I don't remember if it was the same day or the day after or whatever was going on.
17:44
SPEAKER_01: It might have been the day after that, but I had one of my big piano performance exams.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: So I went to the beach with all my friends.
17:53
SPEAKER_01: We all got sunburned within an inch of our lives, right?
17:57
SPEAKER_01: Like just lobster red.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: And when I had signed out, because I guess is that even skipping?
18:03
SPEAKER_01: No.
18:04
SPEAKER_01: But when I had signed out, it's not it's not even skipping, but I signed out saying piano exam.
18:09
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
18:09
SPEAKER_01: Piano exam.
18:10
SPEAKER_01: I had like everyone knew, like all my teachers knew I was doing this.
18:13
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's a real ocean's 11 situation here.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: It was real.
18:17
SPEAKER_01: There's a reason why I was in none of those movies.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: But I remember going to, we went to the beach, we all got sunburned.
18:24
SPEAKER_01: The next day I did my piano exam.
18:26
SPEAKER_01: And then it was maybe the day after that.
18:27
SPEAKER_01: The teacher was going through the attendance and being like, interesting that everyone signed out.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: And what was your reason?
18:35
SPEAKER_01: And your reason.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: Like she was she was chapped and going through the whole list.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Evelyn, um, says here that you signed out for your piano exam.
18:42
SPEAKER_01: And meanwhile, I am literally the color of a tomato, as is most of the other people in my class.
18:50
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Yes, I had my grade nine uh performance and technique exam yesterday um in the city.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: And it and she, and of course I was at the like, it was very obvious I was at the beach, and she was like, Oh, how did that go?
19:03
SPEAKER_01: I said, You know what?
19:04
SPEAKER_01: It went, it went really great.
19:07
unknown: It went great.
19:09
SPEAKER_01: And I literally, and I think I still had some of the paperwork in my bag, you know, or my piano books or something.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: So I had like pulled it out, and she was like, Oh, well, let me know when you get the results.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: That would be like, I really hope you did well.
19:22
SPEAKER_01: I hope you did.
19:23
SPEAKER_01: All right, Katie, where were you?
19:25
SPEAKER_01: Like she moves on, totally got away with it.
19:28
SPEAKER_01: Like, even though like it was obvious that I was there, and maybe it's not so much that I got away with it, but I just I skirted the the retribution.
19:37
SPEAKER_02: But you got away with it because she believed you and she shouldn't have.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: That makes me like you had the sunburn top.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: Like, there was no denying that I was on that beach.
19:47
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't tan for one second.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: I could, if I sit in front of this window too long, I'm gonna I'm gonna get a sunburn.
19:54
SPEAKER_01: Just burn.
19:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm just gonna roast right up.
19:56
SPEAKER_01: And so the fact that it was so obvious, and yet she asked me, and I said, Oh, I did my grade nine performance exam.
20:03
SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Oh, oh, tell me all about it.
20:05
SPEAKER_01: How did it go?
20:06
SPEAKER_01: Oh, it was fine, thank you.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: Like, but like you, I was such a good student.
20:10
SPEAKER_01: I was very compliant.
20:12
SPEAKER_01: I was like, I was an ideal student.
20:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, teachers knew that they there was not a and even if I had skipped, it's not like the teachers would have hated me, they just would have right.
20:21
SPEAKER_01: But the fact that I, if I didn't have that exam, I wouldn't, I would have, you know, I probably would have been talked down to.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: But this was like I came at like I did it.
20:30
SPEAKER_01: So I think was it Mrs.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: Walker or Mrs.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: Morton?
20:34
SPEAKER_01: I don't remember, but thank you to both of you.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, both Mrs.
20:38
SPEAKER_02: Walker and Mrs.
20:39
SPEAKER_02: Morton.
20:39
SPEAKER_02: The first for believing my lie, and the second for whatever the fuck it was you did at work that I they were my English, they were my English teachers.
20:46
SPEAKER_02: Oh god.
20:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was great.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: It was really, it was really great.
20:49
SPEAKER_01: And so everyone who I was at the beach with was like sitting around me, knowing I was there.
20:55
SPEAKER_01: I was like, guys, if you don't have an alibi, that's on you.
20:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's honestly uh congratulations.
21:02
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
21:03
SPEAKER_02: Evelyn, it sounds like you really uh uh pulled one over on those guys.
21:06
SPEAKER_02: How did the actual test go, by the way?
21:07
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I think it went really well.
21:09
SPEAKER_02: I mean you became a music teacher, so I did.
21:11
SPEAKER_01: I did what it took.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: I passed, it was great.
21:14
SPEAKER_01: You had to do one every year, it was fine.
21:16
SPEAKER_01: Got me into university, so clearly I didn't do that badly.
21:19
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
21:19
SPEAKER_01: I think it went really well.
21:20
SPEAKER_01: And and the amount of sunburns I've had since 1999.
21:25
SPEAKER_01: I'm like guaranteed I have six new kinds of skin cancer brewing on my face at this point.
21:32
SPEAKER_02: So to me, this is a story about learning and not learning.
21:36
SPEAKER_02: You learned how to get away with something, you learned how to play the piano at an expert level.
21:41
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you did not learn the importance of skin protection.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: No.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, no, nobody in the 90s knew that.
21:47
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
21:47
SPEAKER_02: Well, then they made a whole song about it.
21:48
SPEAKER_02: Do you remember the Always Wear Sunscreen song?
21:50
SPEAKER_02: It was like it was a big enough deal that they do.
21:53
SPEAKER_02: Remember that song?
21:53
SPEAKER_02: It's the dumbest hit ever.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
21:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's like a spoken word over pomp and circumstance, and it's always wearing.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: Sunscreen.
22:02
SPEAKER_02: I don't know who the spoken word always wears sunscreen was, but it was one of those things where like we kind of stopped making music to listen to and started making music.
22:09
SPEAKER_02: It was like it was like the Samuel Beckett period of music, where like we didn't make music to listen to so much as like to do you really?
22:15
SPEAKER_01: Well, I did when I was first introduced to him.
22:18
SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
22:18
SPEAKER_01: Well, I just haven't like I haven't heard that name in ages, but I remember like I had a positive reaction to it when you said it.
22:24
SPEAKER_01: And not in like the hives kind of way, like not I tested positive for some kind of hives.
22:30
SPEAKER_02: I wish we were talking about the hives.
22:31
SPEAKER_02: Let me tell you, I love the hives.
22:35
SPEAKER_02: Do you don't don't enjoy Samuel Beckett?
22:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
22:37
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know I meant hives like skin welts, right?
22:40
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I thought you meant the hives like the the Swedish band.
22:43
SPEAKER_01: No, but when you say like I enjoy the hives, I was like, really?
22:46
SPEAKER_01: You like those hot little welts that you get on?
22:50
SPEAKER_02: No, I love the Swedish band, the Hives.
22:52
SPEAKER_02: And if you ever like the Hives are one of those bands where if you ever want to see what real crowd work looks like, if you ever want to see what a real frontman does, um, you just watch any hives video and you will just see even if you hate the hives music, you have to admit that this dude is the greatest front man of all time.
23:07
SPEAKER_02: Really?
23:07
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, yeah, he's amazing.
23:09
SPEAKER_02: Anyway, okay, wow.
23:11
SPEAKER_02: Look, we'll we'll continue this off podcast because clearly we have we have a long, a much longer music discussion this we do.
23:17
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
23:17
SPEAKER_02: That's ongoing.
23:18
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
23:18
SPEAKER_02: Um, but I will release these people.
23:20
SPEAKER_02: I will say thank you to all of our listeners for joining us for this episode of Verse Jackass.
23:25
SPEAKER_02: Evelyn, thank you for risking prosecution by sharing with us your illegal uh moves of the past.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you.
23:33
SPEAKER_02: Brian, if you're out there, um, I hope your tooth got fixed and I hope you're a better person.
23:38
SPEAKER_02: You're not.
23:39
SPEAKER_02: You're not you're not.
23:40
SPEAKER_02: He's probably not.
23:41
SPEAKER_02: And the rest of you have a fabulous week, and we'll see you next time on the reverse jackass podcast.
23:46
SPEAKER_01: Some neighbors are besties, others quarrel bitterly.
23:50
SPEAKER_02: Stuck together through geography.
23:54
SPEAKER_02: One of us has nukes, and the other has tokes.
23:58
SPEAKER_01: It's American Canadian diplomacy.
24:03
SPEAKER_03: It's reverse.