Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 15. Communication In Marriage

Transcript

15. Communication In Marriage · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, welcome back to another week here on A Heart that Beats For Home.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Super grateful to have you back with us for part two of a three-part series that we're tackling this month on marriage.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Last week we were able to speak about expectations and emotions and how we need to manage that.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: You got a little bit of a more vulnerable look inside, as I got a little teary talking about Tupperware drawers in the kitchen.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Was not expecting that.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: That was supposed to be an easy, light story, but I think it just struck a nerve of just insecurities that we all can have and when we try to place our value and our worth on things that we're doing or roles that we hold, that it can get messy and really it can expose some things in us where we really need to fill up some voids and some holes with some beliefs.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: That scripture speaks over who we are because of our relationship with the Lord.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: So I was laughing when I was editing that episode because, talking about crying over spilt Tupperware, there's another episode earlier, in the very first month I think, when we launched the podcast titled why is Mama Crying in the Kitchen, and so clearly I have exposed to you guys that my deepest emotions come out in the kitchen, whether that be frustration, insecurity, exhaustion, all the things, and I'm sure that a lot of other mamas out there can absolutely relate.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: So I have promised to come to you guys authentic and not to sugarcoat or to try to paint something as it's not, and I have a lot of my own insecurities.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: The other thing I have to point out is that, as I have been working through a flow chart for the next year of podcast topics and really wanting to bring you guys valuable information I have.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: For the last two decades I have literally had a notebook with me at all times.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Before we had cell phones, I you know.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Now I keep all my notes on my phone.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Before that I had notebooks in my kitchen, notebooks in my car, and I have been a consumer of learning.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I love learning.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: I love listening to Audible books, I love listening to podcasts and to sermons and to sit in Bible studies and to read the Bible and to listen to people preach on the Bible, and I mean all the things I love learning.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: I love parenting books, I love business books, I love self-development books.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I love biblical books and no matter-development books.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I love biblical books and no matter what I'm listening to, there is always usually one or two things that I can take away from anything, whether it's somebody talking about how to organize your home or somebody else talking about how to be financially responsible.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: There is usually not a day that goes by that I don't jot down one to two lines of a podcast or something I'm reading into the notes of my phone.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Before the phone it was in the notebooks, and so I just have an overwhelming amount of information that has been so precious to me.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: My son is homeschooled and one thing that they do in the program that we are in is they have something called a commonplace book, and your commonplace book is this really special journal that you keep, that when something just speaks to you, when something is important, you write that in the commonplace book and it kind of becomes like this precious journal, if you will, of just beautiful things that you have come across, whether it be a saying or a quote or just something that was on your heart that you just were feeling.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: And I really I guess by default have been keeping commonplace notebooks for all of these years.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: The only problem is, when I was keeping these commonplace notebooks and continued to do them until just January, when we started the podcast, I was always writing all that information down because I thought this is just something I want to be able to come back to and reference in my own life.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Well, now, referencing those commonplace books, the notes in my phone and having so much wisdom in there, it's like taking the lives of hundreds and hundreds of people that have gone before me and their best tips are all in this.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: But, friends, I didn't write down the podcast title or who it was or what book it was or what sermon it came from, and so so much of what I get to bring to you on the podcast.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: If there's something that I take out of those notebooks or out of those notes, I always go and try to find the content online so I can give credit to who it came from.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: But so much of it I can't find, and so it's probably just something that somebody said very freely in a podcast, just like we do here, talking about all kinds of things, and so there is a lot that I'm going to bring you today that, specifically in something called the match communication, that I'm not sure where I got it, but it's awesome and it's helpful, and I'm not finding the sources for it on the internet.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: This is not like, oh, nikki just has all these little things that she always pulls out.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: This is me having an important set of journals that, literally, I have poured into over two decades, and so I also want to challenge you in your life If you are listening, if you are a reader, whatever it might be, are you listening and reading to consume, or are you listening and reading to make change and improvement?
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: And change and improvement comes when we can hear something and we can implement it and we can make our lives better.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: We can make our families better, our parenting better, we can operate more from a place of joy.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: There's a deeper understanding, we can take concepts and apply them to areas in our life where we get to help others do the same and have growth.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: And so I just want to encourage you whether it's on this podcast or other things that you're listening to have a note app in your phone, have a notebook on your kitchen counter and write things down so that you can go back and look at them, cause I don't care how great of a memory you have, there are things that we think, oh, I'm totally going to remember that that was so good.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I want to tell my spouse that, I want to tell my kids that, and then I get to the place that I'm going to tell them and I'm like I actually can't remember 50% of what they said.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: And so just use some of the things that we bring you here on the podcast that is a combination of hundreds and hundreds of people's wisdom from a lot of years lived and be able to write it down so that you can implement it into your own life.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: So jumping into communication.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: There are several different ways that we can approach conversation.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: Number one is critical.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: I'm always negative or I'm blaming, so when I am talking, it's just you did this, you did that.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I can't believe she always.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: It's just not a great place.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: It's a critical form of communication.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Another form of communication is I'm curious, I really want to know more and, most importantly, I'm really seeking to understand.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: When we have curious conversation, it sounds like tell me more.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: How did that feel?
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: It's really seeking to understand before you make movement.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: The third way that we can communicate is concerned.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: It's really seeking to understand before you make movement.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: The third way that we can communicate is concerned.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I see warning flags and I need to address them.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: I noticed this thing in your life.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: It alarmed me.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: I saw the way you spoke to your teacher.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: It caused me to be sad and want to evaluate where that's coming from.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: So a concerned approach on communication is needing to address warning flags.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: The next is from a point of caring.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: We can communicate in a caring way.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about this because I care.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: I care about you, I care about the relationship, I care about your feelings, I care about your heart, I care about you as a human.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: And then the last way, kind of combined, is clueless or careless, and this is where I am just blowing smoke and I am mad and I want you to know it.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: It's usually a sign of disconnect in that relationship.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: It's passive, aggressive, it's not moving towards resolution, it's moving towards airing dirty laundry and pulling up past and has a lot of hurt that can come with it.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: And again, I know I always am referencing just the amount of Bible verses that talk about life or death.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: Out of the words that we speak, the tongue is a dangerous weapon.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: The tongue can also be used to completely speak life, and so how we communicate matters, the strength of our relationship, can often be a clear sign of our ability to communicate well or not.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: And so when you look at those critical, curious, concerned, caring, clueless or careless, is there one that you think, man, I probably come to the table most of the time in this way and maybe it's great, maybe you're a great communicator and you come from a place of being curious and caring and concerned, or maybe you're more critical or clueless or careless.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And we're going to walk through a little bit today of just some tips that you can use to just have healthy communication.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Number one a complaint is a lousy way to make a request, and I know that I fall into this so often that I assume that if I just complain about things that aren't happening, that that's my way of saying you need to change, or I need you to help with this, and you guys, that is a lousy, lousy way to make a request.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Complaining as the means to get what you want is not effective.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I always have to do everything.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Why does nobody see me?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I can't believe nobody else is worried about this, just this constant complaining, hoping that that is going to be portrayed by the person listening as oh, she needs something from me and we should all jump up and help.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: It just isn't going to work.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: So evaluate in your own life are you complaining as a way to make a request and if so, how do we need to change that?
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: The other thing is that in communication, humility is such an important part because natural tendencies are to want to be defensive.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: That is just human nature that you're going to come at me or, even if it's approached in a good way, and my defenses want to go up because I don't want to believe some of the things that I hear, and humility is being able to admit that I cannot see myself clearly.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Humility, in my marriage specifically, is saying I love this person, I've committed to spend a lifetime with them and they can see me in a light that I don't see myself.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I know I've gone to my husband before and said, hey, I noticed this and you probably never would even consider that this is maybe how that looked or how it impacted me or offended me, but I just want to let you know like that's how it came across.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Humility is being able to say, ok, like I can't see that clearly in myself, but thank you for loving me enough to call it out because we are in partnership and I know that sometimes we try to jockey for I've got it all together.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I don't need you telling me what I need to do.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: You also have these things that you need to work on.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: But healthy communication, specifically in a marriage, is being humble enough to admit that I can't see myself clearly and so I appreciate input that you're giving me so that I can do better.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: This happened just yesterday.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I had posted on an Instagram reel that my girlfriend had done that went viral.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: It was like 1.5 million views within 24 hours, but people were being ruthless on there and so, being the good friend that I am, I came in and I thought about what I could say.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: That would be supporting my friend but also being like get your act together, haters.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: And I came up with something that I thought was totally appropriate and not mean and it shows my support and it also tells the haters to knock it off and go somewhere else.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: So I went to show my husband the reel that had gone viral and I showed it to him and I was laughing at the comment that I made and he said I would probably be really, really careful what you put out on social media, because every single thing that you type people can read and they don't know your heart, they don't know that this is just to defend your friend and that it's meant to be funny.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: This one part of the comment could be.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: It could be hurtful or it could feel like it's attacking a group of people and I just don't think that it's wise.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I don't think you should put that up there, but he's like that's just my opinion.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: And immediately I was like that is not an attack, that is mild.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: It's not even aggressive.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: It's not hate speech.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: It was telling a group of people to calm down, and I feel like I need to tell you guys what the analogy was.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm beating around the bush and it's not something that I can't just tell you.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: My girlfriend's reel that went viral was her daughter has this car that she has painted all over on the inside.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: It is absolutely adorable.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: It's one of my favorite teenage cars I've ever seen.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: It's just decorated with all kinds of adorable paint pens.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: It's an old car.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: It was a hand-me-down that she got that already had a lot of that from her aunts and she has continued the tradition.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: And so my girlfriend literally this reel is her sitting in the car panning over all of this artwork.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: It's so cute and people were just going nuts Way to devalue this.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: I can't believe you would let your kid she's probably they are being so negative about and my comment was funny that most people that are commenting on this have tattoos, right, and so I'm like she's painting her car and you're freaking out and all of you guys have tattoos as an expression of who you are.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I have nothing against tattoos.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: I have not one thing against tattoos.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: My heart was not to say to people if you have tattoos, you don't have a right to this conversation or you're a bad person.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: But my husband, being wiser than I am, being able to look at me and see things that I wasn't seeing clearly in myself, said that could feel like an attack to people that have tattoos, to which my response was well, that's crazy.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Then they're not even seeing the point of the comment, and he said they might not be, but is that something that you want to put out to the world that is connected to you?
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: Somebody who is working actively to build healthy families, to be kind to use your words to breed life and not death?
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Does attacking, or possibly what seems like attacking, a group of people who have tattoos, even if you're not against tattoos, feel like wisdom?
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: And I was like doggone it?
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: No, it doesn't.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: So I deleted the comment.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: But you guys, I first was a little bit like are you kidding me?
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: Can nobody just have fun?
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Or why can they all say that to my friend and be so nasty?
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: But I can't come in with this little innocent.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: And it's pride.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: It's pride that says you know what.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of wisdom in what you said, and I should just immediately delete it.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: It took me about five minutes and then I came back and I was like you know what?
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: You are absolutely right.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: It felt good to say that it was funny.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: They're painting their bodies, she's painting her car.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Let's get a grip.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: It's not a big deal.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: We're all showing our own artistic abilities.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: But I had to be humble enough to admit that I couldn't see myself clearly in that moment or the damage that I could be causing for myself.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: We use our words to speak life and not death.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: And so in that conversation he saw a concern, he had a red flag, he was caring in how he came to me, and that was effective communication.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: Now, let me tell you, precursor is I've had to work on this for years.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: By nature, I am a defender, I am a justice person, a lot of things that can make me want to battle through or communicate through why there can be two ways, or why just because you're seeing it that way doesn't mean it's right, or why I can't be right and you be right.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: But 25 years of marriage and 46 years of life has led me to the point that there are times where I have to go.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: You know what that was a blind spot.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: Thank you for pointing that out to me, and I'm able to get there a lot quicker than I used to be.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: So humility is being able to admit that I can't see myself clearly.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: Another important thing in communication is mean what you say.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: Say what you mean and don't say it mean.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I'm going to say it one more time Mean what you say.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Say what you mean and don't say it mean.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: And I don't know how many times I've had to come to a conversation after a blow up or after just a heated conversation and say you know what I shouldn't have said, that I did not mean that.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: You guys, our words are damaging and we have to be so careful that what we speak is truth, because in the heat of the moment, when the flames are burning high on all of the emotions, it is very easy to say things that we do not mean.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: It is very easy to say something that feels like that's the thing that's going to win the argument and you walk away and you think I cannot believe I said that I am so disappointed.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: It is not what I meant.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: It is not what my heart is.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: It was what the emotions in the moment said and that is a reason that we agreed in our marriage early, early on, that no matter what, the word divorce would not be a part of our conversation, that we wouldn't in a heated moment say, maybe we should just get divorced, or why don't you divorce me?
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Or maybe this wasn't worth it.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Because that is something when words come out, they cannot be taken back.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: I heard the analogy once of words are like the toothpaste in the toothpaste container Once you squirt the toothpaste out, you cannot put the words back in.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: You cannot put them back where they belong, where they shouldn't have been said, and words stick with people.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: I know I can think about things that were said to me decades ago, that I can still tell you what I was wearing.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I can tell you what the person looked like, what they were wearing, where we were at, where we were standing, what the event was when hurtful things were said to me.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: And there are things that now, as I meet with my counselor, I'm talking through, because I know that some of those things that were said, probably very, very flippantly from somebody that if I went to them now and said, do you remember when you said this, they would say no.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: I don't even remember that conversation.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I don't remember being at that restaurant, I don't remember that argument that we had, but they said something.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: They spoke words that became a part of my belief system about myself, and we talked about this last week in that liturgy that I quoted somewhat imperfect for you guys that I have been learning and the part that says I am not what others say about me, because so often what people say about us when they're angry, when they're hurt, when they're jealous, when they're scared, when they're emotional, they don't mean what they said.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: But those words spoken over us can often become our own belief system, especially if we haven't gotten good at filtering everything that comes at us through a biblical filter of does this match what the Bible says is true about me?
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And it has taken me a lot of years to get to the place where something can be said about me negatively or in an attack, or maybe even something in the past that I still am holding on to, and I can look at that and say that doesn't line up with what the Bible says about me, and so therefore, I am going to believe that that is not truth.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: It is a process.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: I'm still working on it.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: But we have to be careful that we mean what we say.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: We say what we mean and we do it in a way that is not mean to the person.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Another one obvious.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: This is straight out of scripture I need to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: And I think so often.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Human nature is quick to become angry, quick to speak and very slow to listen.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: And when we can just get good at recognizing that natural default to want to jump in and defend or attack the other person to just a silent prayer.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: Lord, help me right now just to be quick to listen.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: Help me close my mouth.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Help me open both of my ears I know you gave me two ears and one mouth for a reason.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Help me to listen twice as much as I speak.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Help me to be slow to speak back.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: Help me to think about my words.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Help me to think about what I'm saying and do I mean it?
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Am I saying it kindly?
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: Is it something I'm going to have to come back and retract or apologize for?
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Are the words that are coming out as I'm slow to speak?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Are they ones that are going to bring life?
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Are they going to be death?
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Are they going to pour water onto the fire?
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: Are they going to pour gas?
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: And Lord, let me be slow to become angry.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: Let me filter everything that's coming at me through a lens of who you say I am.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: Let me also filter everything that's coming at me through a filter of another broken person who's also hurting, is speaking them and you guys.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: When we can start to look like that in conversation, we start to have more compassion.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: When I have somebody that is lashing off or is just angry about something and I can get in a posture of hurt people, hurt people and there's something broken in that person that's causing them to react this way, when I react that way, there's something broken in me that's causing me to take my hurt and hurt other people, and so I need to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: Let's dive into this communication style called a match.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: I think it's super beneficial.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: This would be a great place for those of you that are going to take me up on the suggestion to write things down.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: This would be great for you to write down to come back to, maybe even to practice in some scenarios if there's some hard conversations that you need to be having with your spouse the match communication.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: It's going to be an acronym here.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: So M is for mirror, mirroring back what you heard.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: When somebody is speaking to you, you're simply going to take what they said and repeat back to them.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: What I'm hearing you say is so M is for mirror, a is for affirm.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: When somebody has come to you after you have mirrored back what you heard, you need to affirm by saying something like I hear you, I believe you, I understand you, and that is the hub method of affirming I hear, I understand, I believe.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: So when somebody comes to you, you mirror back and then you affirm using the hub I hear, I understand, I believe.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Method T is for thank, thanks for sharing your heart.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: This is not a place to be defensive.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: This is in action, slow to speak, this is taking a deep breath and saying thanks for sharing your heart In that moment.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: With that Instagram comment analogy, the mature response as I continue to work on this, would have immediately been to say hey, you know what, babe?
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Thanks for sharing your heart.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: I didn't see it that way, but you're right, that could be offensive.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: It took me about five minutes to come to that, as we talked last week, that the evidence of growth in marriage is slower to repeat an offense and quicker to repent.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: These are all things in all of these areas that, as we're aware of how to do it better, we can get better.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: So T is thanks, thanks for sharing your heart.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: C is for clarity.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: This is when you are saying back to make sure that you are hearing it correctly, because one thing that we can do by default a lot of us is, as somebody is talking to us, we're already thinking about what we're going to come back with, and we often miss a lot of the conversation, and so part of this match communication is it's making you be a good listener, because you're going to mirror back what you heard, you're going to affirm that you heard, you understand, you believe you're going to thank them, and then you're going to clarify in a way that sounds something like this is what I'm hearing you say you want me to do.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Am I hearing you correctly?
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: Is there more?
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: Did I not understand that C is for clarify and then H is for help?
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: What do you need from me or someone else, or what do we need to give each other to be able to move past this.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: And so how often, after you've had this major conflict or you've had a blow up and things have just escalated and gotten heated we already talked about you wish maybe you hadn't said some stuff.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: I think of this specifically with my children.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: When there's been a blow up or we've gone head to head and I come into my room and I take my time out, I regain my composure and I think if only I would have said this or I wouldn't have said, that that entire escalation of that explosion that just happened wouldn't have happened, because I have the power to diffuse angry situations by how I approach them.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: So let's use this in a couple of actual examples.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: So what would this method look like?
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: All right, so here would be an example of a wife that's sharing her frustration about losing herself in her parenting.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: All right, here is a way that a husband could respond to that very issue.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Babe, what I'm hearing you say is that you're exhausted and you're not feeling valued or seen here in your role at home.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: I can absolutely understand how you would feel that way, as you do so much without recognition and for people who can't voice their appreciation.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being vulnerable and willing to share your feelings with me.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: What I am really hearing from you is that you need me to do a better job at affirming you and the role that you play in our family, because it's one that we both know holds great value.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: What can I do that would help you feel more fulfilled and appreciated in this role?
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: See the compassion, the understanding, the affirming, the thanking, the clarifying that happens in that conversation.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Let's do an example of a man who voices his frustration with lack of intimacy.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Here is a response that a wife could have to her husband.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: Babe, what I am hearing is that you're feeling disconnected and like our relationship isn't a priority to me.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: I understand that it has to be hurtful to you when you think the kids hold more value than you.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: I know that they get a lot of my attention.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Thank you for not keeping your feelings bottled up and for sharing them with me in a way that is kind.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: What I believe I am hearing you say is that you really want us to work at prioritizing creating time and space where we can be alone and focus on our relationship and have opportunities for intimacy.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: I would love to sit down and talk through some ways that would be helpful for us to create that time within the phase of life that we're in right now, with all these little kids and with demanding schedules.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I really want this to be a priority for us.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Do you see the difference in how taking those conversations and using this match style diffuses and works towards resolution?
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: We talked last week about taking expectations and replacing them with appreciation, and this week, I think immediately, things that we can implement is taking grievances and replacing them with gratitude, and just some basic things that you can look for ways to encourage your spouse, because what can start to happen in a marriage if we are not communicating well, is that our spouse starts to expect that what's coming out of our mouth is not positive, it's not edifying, it's not loving.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: They start to recognize that we tend to bend towards criticism or carelessness or cluelessness and they just don't even hear us.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: And so part of it is retraining the people that you live with to hear positive, kind, good things come out of your mouth, things that you can say this week Thank you for cleaning the garage To your wife, thank you for grocery shopping and making sure that we have healthy food to eat every night.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being so diligent and showing up with integrity at your job.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: Thank you for bringing the kids to school.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: Thank you for taking time when you were tired to be intentional with the kids after work.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being a presence that makes me feel safe.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: What are things that you can say to your spouse?
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: I challenge you Send a text a day for the next seven days to your spouse about something that you're grateful for, not a bunch of other stuff in the text, just hey, babe, thanks so much.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: I noticed that.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: Fill in the blank.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: Hey, babe, I noticed that last night, when you were really tired and you came home, you got right on the floor and you started playing with Johnny.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I know he looks forward to that time with you every day.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: Thanks for showing up for our family, even when you're exhausted.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Husbands to wives thanks so much for cooking.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: I know we don't say it enough, but every night that there's food on the table we take for granted.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: There was a lot of steps that had to go into getting that there.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: Thank you for taking care of the kids.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Thank you for making sure they're clean and they're bathed and their homework's done.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: Thank you for taking them to school.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: Thank you for managing the calendar.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being a man of integrity.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: I saw the way you interacted with that group last night.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being a man of integrity.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being a man who uses his words to edify.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being someone who lifts me up.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, there are so many things that we can be grateful for.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Find things that you can take grievances and turn them into gratitude and let your spouse start to recognize your voice being one that is edifying, and then start to implement this match communication style, maybe even scripting out the hard conversation that you've been avoiding, so that you can come back to that and you can use it in your next conversation Again.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: We talked last week about intimacy creates conflict, but conflict, when dealt with and resolved, breeds more intimacy.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: It's a process that we go through in marriage, but we have to find ways to work through the conflict in a healthy way, in a way that's edifying, in a way that is not done in anger or in saying mean, hurtful things that we can't get back and if you are in a place where you just are like, oh my gosh, we can't communicate about anything.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: First of all, identify the way that you have been communicating.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: Second, make the commitment to show gratitude and come to your spouse and maybe say man, I see us in this vicious cycle and I really love you.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: I really love you.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: I really love you and I know the way that we're communicating maybe doesn't show that and it looks more like we're roommates or we're acting like two strangers living in this house.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: But I really love you, I really love you and I really want to get good at communicating because I care about you and I care about the health of our relationship, and ask them to listen to this, listen to it together, write down some of these ways that you can have conversations.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: And if you're at the point where you literally cannot speak because you have such a fracture in your relationship, maybe you each need to write on paper.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: This is my frustration, just in a sentence.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: This is my frustration.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: The wife, in the example that we gave, might simply write on a piece of paper I feel invisible, I don't feel seen and I don't feel recognized for what I'm doing.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: The husband might write I feel totally disconnected, you show no interest in wanting to be intimate with me and I feel afraid and alone.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: And if you exchange those pieces of paper and you went and you wrote out a response using this communication style.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Maybe that would be a starting point, because self-defense often comes across as aggressive and hurt people, hurt people, and so maybe the first steps are writing it down and sharing it, following this format, so that you have time to process, you have time to retrain your brain how to communicate from a way that has been destructive now into a way that is beneficial.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: And ultimately, if you are at a place that it is impossible to have conversation, I want to encourage you to seek counsel.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to go counsel.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to go to your church to get help.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to reach out to a marriage counselor, because you can be on the same crazy cycle for years and years and years, and it is not what God intended for your marriage.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: He wants you to have a beautiful companionship with somebody who you enjoy being with, who you feel safe around, who you get comfort from.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: And if that is not what is happening in your marriage and again I always feel like I have to preface I am not talking about verbally abusive marriages, I am not talking about physically abusive marriages.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: I am talking about everyday confrontation that we come up with in our marriages.
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: If you have a dangerous situation, again, I ask you to seek help.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: I ask you to get immediate counsel.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: And if you're at a place in your marriage that you feel like you just cannot make headway on this, I also want to ask you get help, seek counsel.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: It is worth it to fight through this.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: We always say pick your heart, choose your heart.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: Both sides of every equation have heart.
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Continuing to not figure out how to communicate is hard.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: It's hard for you, it's also hard for your children.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: I really believe that children pick up on tone and that their security is directly tied to the strength of your marriage.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: And if your communication is always short and snappy and mean and rude and aggressive, is always short and snappy and mean and rude and aggressive, your kids don't feel safe.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: I just don't know how you could.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: I know how I feel when I'm around conversations that aren't my parents, that aren't my home, and you get caught in this bickering between maybe another parent and their child or another couple when you're out together and they're bickering back and forth, and just the uneasiness that it sets on your own spirit.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: Imagine what that is like if it's children who are in their home that are hearing this happen over and over.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: There are so many reasons that I could advocate for you to get good at communicating for the health of your marriage.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: They would all, in my opinion, pale in comparison to the benefit for what you having healthy communication would do for the spirit and the security and the emotional development of the children that are living in your house.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: You guys, how we communicate matters.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: Words are life and death.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: There is power in the tongue and when we can learn to harness that and to use it in a way that speaks life, everything about the temperature and the demeanor of our home changes.
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: So much to think on, so much to contemplate.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: A lot of things that we can take and work on and really do some self-evaluation.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: You making changes is the first step.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: If you listen to this and everything is he needs to, he needs to, she needs to, she needs to you will continue to meet with opposition, and so just make the commitment that you're going to change the things that are in your control to start to move the needle in your marriage towards healthier communication.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: There's a lot to process through.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: I hope that you find encouragement and can just leave this right now.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: When you get off this podcast, send your spouse a text and say thank you so much for the dot dot dot.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: You fill in the blank, start the positive conversation and we're excited to wrap this series up next week as we talk about prioritizing the relationship of your marriage as you move through different stages of parenting.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: All right, friends.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for sticking with us.
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: A lot of good meat in here to chat about as we work on communication.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: If we are not already friends on Instagram, I wanna encourage you to go down into the show notes and find the link to my Instagram page.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: There is nothing I love more than getting private messages of people who have been impacted somehow by the podcast a guest, something that was said or shared.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: It encourages me and allows me to know that we are talking about the right things.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: If there's something that you'd love for us to chat about, a special guest you would love for me to bring on, please also feel free to send those requests to me through private message on Instagram.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: You can find me at the link in the show notes.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: I'm excited to continue to build our community.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: All right, friends.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: Well, that's going to do it for today, until we meet here again next week.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: Take care.