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Ask Leslie: The Advice We All Need (But Don't Always Take) · She’s Smart

• 0:03
  Hey, everybody. Welcome to SheSmart. I'm your host, Maria Robotham.
• 0:07
  Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you thought,
• 0:10
  I could really use some advice right now?
• 0:12
  Maybe it's a friendship that's gotten complicated, an invitation that rubbed
• 0:16
  you the wrong way, or one of those awkward conversations you just don't know how to have.
• 0:21
  Well, today's guest might be exactly the person you need.
• 0:24
  Leslie Kumar is the woman behind Ask Leslie, an advice column where she tackles
• 0:29
  everything from friendships and family dynamics to relationships,
• 0:33
  social etiquette, and all those little dilemmas that come with everyday life.
• 0:37
  But Leslie's story is about so much more than giving advice.
• 0:41
  She's gone from luxury real estate marketing to launching her own jewelry company.
• 0:46
  And now in her 40s, she's found something that brings together so many of those
• 0:50
  things she's always loved.
• 0:52
  We talk about the confidence that it comes with getting older,
• 0:55
  the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, and why it's never too late to try something new.
• 1:00
  And of course, we get into some pretty entertaining territory along the way,
• 1:05
  wedding invitation drama, setting boundaries, marriage, and somehow even my
• 1:10
  obsession with fantasy romance novels.
• 1:13
  It's one of those conversations that feels like sitting down with a girlfriend
• 1:16
  and realizing you have a million things to talk about.
• 1:19
  So get cozy as we connect, learn, and laugh together on She Smart with today's guest, Leslie Kumar.
• 1:36
  Leslie, thank you for joining me on She's Smart. Thank you.
• 1:40
  Pleasure. It's so fun. Guys, we started chatting beforehand and we're already
• 1:45
  fast friends and this is going to be a really fun episode.
• 1:48
  So thanks for being here today. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.
• 1:50
  Tell us a little bit about Leslie. Like we know you have an Ask Leslie column
• 1:55
  that's in New Canaan Magazine, which other one's Westchester.
• 1:59
  It's in Daring New Canaan Lifestyle Magazine and Upper Westchester Lifestyle Magazine.
• 2:03
  I had this idea, and now I'm seeing it in print, and the questions that come
• 2:09
  in are just, I feel like so many women are dealing with so many of the same
• 2:15
  issues, especially at this point in our lives.
• 2:18
  Yes, yes. I'm 45, and a lot of the questions that come in are from women around
• 2:23
  the same age, and it's a really special time of life.
• 2:28
  And I am kind of loving it. And I feel like there's this fearlessness that comes,
• 2:34
  with experience and with age. And you're just like,
• 2:38
  F it. Go for it. And I don't care. People think. I don't care if I fail.
• 2:44
  At least I tried. And let's just see how it goes. Yeah. So what made you think
• 2:50
  of an advice column? This is really interesting because I had another guest
• 2:53
  on, Paula, last season, and she's starting a teen magazine called Cookie.
• 3:00
  And part of it for her were advice columns.
• 3:04
  She'd worked in magazines before. Or she was like, we need to get these kids
• 3:08
  away from their devices and back being with each other.
• 3:11
  And this is a great way to do it. You can cut it out. You know, you can save it.
• 3:16
  She said to me, she's like, where's the advice column? Where's the girl who's
• 3:19
  like, what happens if I start my period in school?
• 3:21
  So for young girls, there is still that desire to have your questions answered
• 3:30
  by someone who might know, right?
• 3:33
  An expert of sorts who's had experience with it, who might give you better detail
• 3:38
  into it without going to like your mom who you might be embarrassed to talk to.
• 3:41
  Or for us as we get older, you have an issue with a friend and you don't want
• 3:46
  to go to that friend because you're not ready to talk about it.
• 3:48
  But you might get advice from somebody else.
• 3:51
  So when did the advice part come into it? Or was that initially like, this is what I want to do?
• 3:55
  So the advice part, I have been the resource for many years for my friends.
• 4:00
  Okay. Where to go to dinner, what to wear, where to travel, like anything, you name it.
• 4:06
  And I just, I love it. I like having that connection with people and being like
• 4:12
  the resource. It's flattering to be that person. Yeah. I love all of the things
• 4:17
  I just described. I love fashion.
• 4:19
  I love going out. I love travel, interior design, just like little luxuries
• 4:24
  overall. Yeah. Are sort of my passion, one of them.
• 4:28
  So that's kind of where it all came to be is like making something of part of
• 4:35
  what I already am naturally. I love that.
• 4:38
  You were always the friend that
• 4:39
  people went to for advice. Are you good at taking advice for yourself?
• 4:46
  I am working on that. I feel like it's just, it's so much easier to dish it
• 4:50
  out than it is to, than to take your own advice.
• 4:54
  But here, here's something interesting that I did not expect from having this
• 4:59
  column is there was one question that I answered and it really resonated with me.
• 5:05
  And I ended up taking my own advice for this person. A reader wrote in,
• 5:12
  and she's an only child of divorced parents.
• 5:15
  Her mom lives close to her up here in the Northeast, and her father lives in Texas.
• 5:20
  Okay. Her father remarried, has step-siblings with them, and she just finds it hard to go
• 5:28
  to, like, buy the ticket and go out to see him when she's not very close to
• 5:33
  him, not like she is with her own mom.
• 5:36
  And so I suggested instead of having those conversations that just are circular
• 5:44
  when the dad asks, when are you going to come see me?
• 5:47
  Oh, I don't know. And just tiptoeing around. Sure. Yeah. Bite the bullet.
• 5:52
  Get the ticket. Go see your dad. He probably loves you very much.
• 5:56
  And it feels like he doesn't get to see his only child very often.
• 6:01
  And she's naturally very close to her mom. You know, it's a mother-daughter.
• 6:06
  Her mom lives close to her proximity-wise. I'm not the only child.
• 6:10
  I have two older sisters. But.
• 6:13
  My father's in a position where he can't come and see me. And I know he misses
• 6:17
  me and he wants to see his grandchildren.
• 6:19
  And so it got me to thinking, I'm like, oh, shit. Bite the bullet.
• 6:23
  Bite the bullet. I bought the ticket and I went to go see him.
• 6:26
  And I'm actually going to see him this Friday, too.
• 6:30
  Oh, see. And you took your own advice. I did. I did.
• 6:34
  Finally. We all need to be taking our own advice. There are so many moments
• 6:37
  I have like that where I'm talking to a friend about something and not doing it for myself.
• 6:42
  Well, maybe we could all switch our thinking to, okay, if this wasn't your issue
• 6:46
  and you were talking to a friend, what would you tell them?
• 6:49
  Yeah. Well, it's kind of like how we tell ourselves to talk to ourselves, right?
• 6:54
  How would you talk to your friend? Would you say that to yourself if you were your friend?
• 6:58
  Like you wake up in the morning, you don't feel great. And you're like,
• 7:00
  God, I look like shit today. If your friend was sitting there and she woke up
• 7:03
  feeling like crap, would you look at her and tell her she looked like shit?
• 7:05
  No. You would tell her you're badass.
• 7:08
  You're great. Today might not be a great day, but you're going to make it as
• 7:10
  great as you can. Like, why can't we do that first?
• 7:14
  Yes. We are our, like, toughest critics. All of us. We obviously don't give
• 7:17
  ourselves enough of the bread advice, too.
• 7:20
  So there's something very vulnerable about saying, I have something worth saying,
• 7:25
  and I'm going to share it with people.
• 7:27
  So I felt that way when I started She's Smart. There are a bajillion and a half podcasts.
• 7:32
  Like, why? Why do I get to be the one to get to do? Why am I doing this?
• 7:36
  And there's a vulnerability in that being like, I don't care how many people
• 7:39
  listen, but this is important to me and I'm going to go for it.
• 7:44
  Right. Yes. So was putting yourself out there difficult for you?
• 7:49
  Totally difficult. I am comfortable being behind the scenes.
• 7:56
  And in print, when you're writing, you're behind the scenes. Yeah.
• 8:01
  But with that, if you are building a brand, which I'm trying to build a brand,
• 8:08
  you have to put your face forward and you have to be the person.
• 8:13
  I mean, my name is literally.
• 8:14
  On it. On it. Yeah. And so is yours.
• 8:17
  So I'm working on getting comfortable with that.
• 8:21
  And I'm taking things very slowly and things are happening very organically
• 8:26
  and at my own pace. And that's what I prefer. I am not in a rush to be published in 100 magazines.
• 8:35
  I want to get there. Yeah. But I'll get there in my own time.
• 8:38
  Yeah. I love that. I feel the same way.
• 8:42
  It will get there when it gets there. If I keep loving it and keep wanting it
• 8:45
  to make it bigger and make it happen, it will happen organically without being forced.
• 8:50
  Without forcing it on everyone. Yeah. And I just, I love this so much that I
• 8:56
  don't see myself stopping it. I only see it growing into bigger things.
• 9:01
  But isn't that great about a dream like this? You have the time.
• 9:06
  You have the ability to do it. You have the resources to be able to do it.
• 9:10
  And for writing, you need your computer, right? and access to internet so you can write.
• 9:14
  For this, anyone can do a podcast. You just need to be able to record it.
• 9:17
  You don't even have to do video.
• 9:19
  You need to just be able to record it somewhere. And there are so many ways of doing it now.
• 9:24
  But people stop themselves from doing it for some reason or other, right?
• 9:28
  So it's nice to be able to say, okay, I can actually do this.
• 9:32
  I'm not going to stop myself and I'm going to just go for it.
• 9:36
  I want to talk about the branding because that was something that is,
• 9:41
  because you mentioned branding and it's part of my questions.
• 9:44
  It's a little scary to be like, I am the brand, like it is me.
• 9:50
  And I felt that way when I stopped styling.
• 9:53
  I was like, wait, but that's me. I am Styled by Riso.
• 9:57
  That is my identity. Like, that is how I recognize myself, right?
• 10:03
  And to have switched that, it was a difficult process because I felt like I was the brand.
• 10:10
  Even though my business was Styled by Riso, I also felt like that was me.
• 10:13
  So it's hard to kind of remove myself from that and start something new.
• 10:16
  It took a long time for me to be like, no, I am a podcaster.
• 10:19
  This is what I do. I get to talk to women.
• 10:22
  She's Smart is my brand. But there's a disconnect.
• 10:25
  I don't feel like She's Smart is what I do and it's what I enjoy and it's the podcast.
• 10:31
  But I still feel like me at the end of the day. Yes. It was different.
• 10:34
  It's different with Stabby Reese and I don't know why. Maybe it was because
• 10:36
  the time that I did it, I did it for so long.
• 10:39
  But I can step away. I don't know. There's a difference between the two, I think.
• 10:43
  But I want to understand what you feel about the branding part of it.
• 10:47
  Is it separate from who you are or is it you?
• 10:50
  And how do you just connect those two? Yeah, it is very me.
• 10:53
  Okay. The whole thing is just I connect with it so much. I feel like I've finally
• 10:59
  found something that's very me.
• 11:02
  I have been like this professional chameleon for so many years.
• 11:07
  And I've always struggled with...
• 11:10
  What should I be doing professionally with my life? Like, I have so many interests,
• 11:17
  and I feel like I'm good at a lot of things, which doesn't make it easy, right?
• 11:22
  When I would be looking for a job whenever it was how many years ago,
• 11:26
  I would just be like, can someone just give me a job?
• 11:29
  Like, I am going to rock it out no matter what it is, which is a curse.
• 11:35
  I didn't have that straight line of like, I want to be a doctor and I'm going
• 11:41
  to be a doctor and I love being a doctor. And like same with attorneys,
• 11:45
  like I admire people that know from the start what they want to do.
• 11:50
  They get there and they're successful at it.
• 11:53
  But at the same time.
• 11:57
  They are held in that position and sort of, you know, could feel stuck in a
• 12:04
  way. I don't feel stuck at all.
• 12:07
  I feel like this could lead in so many different directions,
• 12:11
  like almost too many. And I can narrow it down to what I really want to get out of it.
• 12:18
  Do you have a big vision for what you want it to become?
• 12:21
  I do. Okay. But I am taking things one thing at a time.
• 12:28
  I think if it soars too fast, which I'm hoping it does soar,
• 12:32
  it would make me feel uncomfortable. Like I just need to keep it at a pace that
• 12:37
  I am comfortable keeping it at. Right. Yeah.
• 12:39
  And I'm there. Yeah. So what's scarier?
• 12:42
  Is it putting your opinion in print or putting yourself on social media and
• 12:47
  saying, hey, read what I just wrote?
• 12:50
  It is totally the social media. I am fine putting anything into print.
• 12:56
  With print, you can edit it. You have time to think about it.
• 13:01
  My face isn't part of it. My personality is shining through the words, I think.
• 13:07
  But being on the camera, it's difficult for me. And I am taking it day by day. And I feel like I need...
• 13:14
  An accountability coach or something or someone to be like, hey,
• 13:18
  it's been two days since you posted.
• 13:20
  Actually, it's been more like two weeks for me because I haven't established
• 13:24
  a cadence yet, which I need to figure that all out.
• 13:26
  But the social media part's really tough. Like for anything that I've done,
• 13:32
  there's, again, that word vulnerability. You're putting yourself out there.
• 13:35
  You're putting your product out there. You're putting what you do out there.
• 13:37
  You want to make sure it's your best foot forward.
• 13:39
  But at the same time, people really want real.
• 13:43
  Yes. They want to know that when you planned an event, the entire installation
• 13:48
  fell over and you went, fuck, how am I going to do this?
• 13:51
  Or because I'm planning events now, you're planning an event and it rains on
• 13:57
  the day of your event and you have no tent. Like, how do you pivot?
• 14:01
  It's like people kind of want to know the failures and how you succeeded. Yes.
• 14:07
  The failures are very real. They're very real. And we all have them.
• 14:11
  We all have them. And that's the only way you're going to know how to not fail. Yes. In that capacity.
• 14:18
  Yeah. But it's hard to put that on social media for anyone to see and for it
• 14:21
  to go viral and for people to send it to their friends. And you don't know if
• 14:25
  someone's and this is where like my insecurity comes in is when you do something,
• 14:29
  you don't know if it's being sent and someone's going, oh, my God, look how bad this is.
• 14:33
  Or, oh, my God, what do they think they're doing?
• 14:36
  And for some reason, I like try not to go delve into that negative thought because
• 14:41
  it suits no one and who really cares what we're doing.
• 14:44
  But I feel like there's a part of that that you stop yourself from doing all
• 14:47
  the things you want to do because you're worried about what other people are
• 14:49
  going to do. Well, you know what? People are still talking about you,
• 14:51
  whether they're talking about your failures or your successes.
• 14:55
  They're still talking. Yeah. So the word is out no matter what. Exactly.
• 14:59
  So just put it out there. So when I had my jewelry brand, I would do trunk shows
• 15:03
  at Bloomingdale's all over.
• 15:05
  And sometimes stuff would get swiped. Like, I didn't see it,
• 15:09
  but at the end, I'm like, oh, I feel like I did have this piece and now I don't have this piece.
• 15:14
  And my approach to that was, well, there's someone out there wearing my jewelry.
• 15:19
  Hope they tell them who it is. Yes, exactly. Somebody asked and maybe they'll
• 15:22
  buy the piece now. Oh, that's really funny.
• 15:24
  Call it a marketing expense. You have had so many anonymous questions. Yes. Right?
• 15:29
  What are women struggling with right now that you keep getting questions about?
• 15:34
  So a lot of them are on the thread of like social etiquette questions. Okay.
• 15:41
  I can give you some examples. A lot of them are a woman in my 50s,
• 15:45
  and I don't know how to get started with something new. Okay, okay.
• 15:52
  Things along those lines. And then there'll be like hosting questions,
• 15:56
  invitation questions, like how do I handle knowing that I was a B-list or even C-list,
• 16:03
  invited to this event because I got it literally the day of the event.
• 16:08
  Sure, yeah, yeah. I just had a question come in, and I addressed it for the,
• 16:15
  I think it's the November issue of the magazine, but there's someone who has
• 16:19
  been lifelong friends since middle school with someone.
• 16:22
  Her friend's daughter's getting married. She helped plan the engagement party.
• 16:27
  The bridal shower has been a part of the whole process of her friend's daughter's wedding. Okay.
• 16:33
  Invitations come around and she doesn't get an invite to the wedding saying
• 16:40
  we've invited so many people and then comes back to this person and says.
• 16:48
  Actually, you know what? We'd love to invite you to the wedding.
• 16:51
  So it's like, I'm sorry, what?
• 16:54
  Wow. You're not invited and then you're invited. The process leading up to it
• 16:58
  of like helping out with the parties and this is a good friend's daughter,
• 17:02
  like wouldn't you just assume you're invited to the wedding? I mean, absolutely.
• 17:06
  I would feel so slighted. So my advice to this person was, there may be more
• 17:13
  to the story than you think.
• 17:15
  Talk to your friend. Do not go around and talk to mutual friends,
• 17:20
  which this woman has many of. Because it can become like a game of telephone,
• 17:24
  where the message does not come across the way as it should. Yeah.
• 17:30
  You always have to talk directly to the person. Yeah. It's like the group chat
• 17:34
  with these kids. Don't get me started on group chats.
• 17:37
  Group chats with kids it's like a way for these children to act their worst
• 17:43
  selves they would never speak this way to each other in person they would never
• 17:46
  say the things they say in a group chat to the person to their face.
• 17:51
  Everyone's chatting about different things i've told both the boys like we're
• 17:54
  done with group chats it is not healthy it does nothing for any of you if you
• 17:59
  want to talk to someone get on the phone or have a single chat with the person
• 18:03
  or talk to them face-to-face.
• 18:05
  But I think it's the same way about if you need to confront someone,
• 18:08
  don't send a text message or an email. It never comes off the right way.
• 18:13
  They'll read into it the wrong way every time, and you don't get the answer
• 18:18
  you're looking for, which is like the closure.
• 18:21
  Talk to them in person. Yeah, I believe in that. That's a really tough question.
• 18:26
  It is. I know. My gosh. What a situation.
• 18:29
  Like, how is that friendship ever going to be the same? It's No, no, no, it's not.
• 18:34
  So let's go into this ghosting. So you can ghost, right?
• 18:38
  You can ghost, mute, unfollow, leave the group chat. Perfect segue into the group chat.
• 18:43
  Are we getting worse at having uncomfortable conversations?
• 18:48
  I think so. I think so. Yeah. I mean, having an uncomfortable conversation,
• 18:54
  no matter your age, is difficult.
• 18:58
  Absolutely. And I think going back to just talking to someone face to face,
• 19:04
  I think people do use text message or
• 19:08
  an email to have that uncomfortable conversation, if they have it at all.
• 19:14
  A lot of people just avoid it. Yeah. And that's how they deal with it.
• 19:17
  Yeah. And just think it's going to go.
• 19:19
  It's a cop out. Away. Yeah.
• 19:21
  But it's not. It's not. You know, it's like people that get bills and put it
• 19:25
  in their drawer. It's out of sight. It's out of mind. You know,
• 19:28
  or they get the email bill and they keep forgetting that the email.
• 19:31
  Yeah, exactly. Oh, my gosh. Just hit autopay.
• 19:35
  Right. Yeah. Everything should be autopay.
• 19:39
  I feel like we are, there are too many ways to communicate at this point in
• 19:43
  our lives to have uncomfortable conversations.
• 19:48
  I think you can easily, like you said, you can easily send an email,
• 19:51
  you can easily send a text.
• 19:53
  But where does the finality come in that conversation? And the thing is with
• 19:57
  texts and email, you can't, there's no emotion. No emotion.
• 20:02
  You can do emojis, but sometimes I do the wrong emoji and I don't realize it.
• 20:06
  I do the thing that I think is a hug, but it's actually you're not hugging.
• 20:09
  You're doing something else. It's where both hands are out and the person's
• 20:12
  really happy. Jazz? I think it looks like jazz hands. And I always thought that
• 20:16
  was a hug. It's something else entirely.
• 20:19
  I use the I don't know. I do the I don't know all the time.
• 20:22
  And the smack the head. I'm always doing one of the smack the heads in like
• 20:26
  every, I feel like every text message.
• 20:29
  But it still doesn't come off. Sometimes I feel like I write a text and I pick
• 20:33
  up the phone and call. I'm like, can we just talk about this?
• 20:35
  Because my text messages aren't coming through.
• 20:37
  Like, it's not resonating with how we're communicating right now. Yeah.
• 20:42
  I prefer the phone whenever possible. I do, too.
• 20:46
  But I wonder if it's our age and it's something we were so comfortable with
• 20:51
  growing up. Like, you have a phone. The pink phone is part of your brand, right? Yes, yes.
• 20:57
  I had my own phone, right? We had the landlines, and my sister and I shared a landline. Team line.
• 21:02
  And we were so comfortable chatting for hours with our friends on those phones.
• 21:07
  The connection was always there. You didn't play video games with your friends
• 21:12
  when we were growing up. But you did, but you had to be in person.
• 21:14
  There wasn't this ability to be in two different houses playing a game together.
• 21:19
  You had to be together. So there was a forced proximity amongst all of us.
• 21:24
  And I think that you got used to it.
• 21:25
  But when you called someone, you had to call and say, hi, you know,
• 21:29
  Mrs. Armanini, it's Maria. Is David there? And it's like, no,
• 21:32
  David's at swimming. Like, you had to learn to speak to people.
• 21:36
  You had to learn to communicate.
• 21:38
  Yeah. And you also had to learn that that person might not be available.
• 21:43
  Exactly. And there is no immediate gratification or, yeah, it's like that doesn't, you had to wait.
• 21:50
  You had to wait. And I feel like this generation doesn't have to wait.
• 21:54
  There's no waiting. Yeah, you click buy and it's there the next day.
• 21:58
  The next day. Apple pay. Just one example. You know, and everything.
• 22:02
  I know, that's a whole other conversation.
• 22:04
  Immediate gratification, is that what it is? Immediate gratification.
• 22:06
  Yeah. Yeah, it's not, there's no waiting for anything.
• 22:09
  So let's talk about marriage and modern life. So what are women telling you
• 22:14
  about marriage and relationships that they might not be telling their friends?
• 22:18
  Yes. So some intimacy questions. OK. All right. OK.
• 22:24
  Where it's like one was I've been married for 15 years. You know, we're losing the spark.
• 22:31
  I feel like I'm the manager of our life. Yeah.
• 22:35
  Is what. We're the CEOs of our household. She called it. Yeah.
• 22:39
  So women are writing about like losing connection. Yeah.
• 22:43
  And getting wrapped up in the day to day of being a mom, of being a wife,
• 22:49
  of being a daughter, of being a sister. Like we are all these things. Yeah.
• 22:55
  But I am a firm believer in taking care of yourself first, because when you
• 23:00
  take care of yourself, you can be your best version of yourself to help take care of everybody else.
• 23:06
  So I think with the intimacy-related questions, that is something that.
• 23:14
  You and your partner need to work on together. Yeah.
• 23:18
  It can't just be one-sided. No. It is a joint effort.
• 23:22
  The two of you need to get back on track and get creative. Right?
• 23:27
  Yeah, because whatever is happening now for this particular couple,
• 23:31
  like, clearly it's not working.
• 23:33
  You need to, like, spice things up, literally, to see a change.
• 23:38
  I'm absolutely. I read a lot of romanticies. Ooh. and now I'm down a rabbit hole of cowboy romance,
• 23:45
  and none of my friends will read these books not many not all of them and I
• 23:50
  have to say like I have read some of the passages to my husband and he's like
• 23:54
  what are you reading I'm like this is the best ever.
• 23:58
  But then you read these books and then you look at your husband and I think
• 24:01
  I've said this before but you look at your husband you're like why don't you
• 24:05
  transform into a wolf like these are the women these women are writing,
• 24:10
  like the perfect men they're just these like incredibly supportive and strong
• 24:16
  and like my husband's like that so i'm good like he's supportive and strong
• 24:19
  and it works some of these novels though really i think have,
• 24:24
  are helping women do that,
• 24:27
  like fantasize yeah not only fantasize but they're getting ideas and they're
• 24:32
  like well husband maybe you should read this part of this book yeah and it's
• 24:36
  like a way for all these women and it's gotten so huge i I mean,
• 24:39
  I can't even tell you how many women are reading romanticies right now.
• 24:42
  It's next level. It's fantasy romance.
• 24:46
  Oh. So you've got like.
• 24:48
  I'm not going to call them fairy porn, guys, because that's what you call my
• 24:51
  books. And it's not that. It's so much better and so much bigger.
• 24:56
  My friend Tyler is laughing right now listening to this podcast because it's referred to as.
• 25:01
  But it's these really strong women who deal with a lot of shit.
• 25:06
  And then they meet these men who are like, they could be 175 years old.
• 25:13
  I don't know. they're like they live forever they're like fae so experienced
• 25:18
  so experienced thank you yes,
• 25:21
  but they form relationships they form friendships there's dynamics that they're
• 25:26
  having to fight through and they're really great stories but then there's a lot of sex yes,
• 25:32
  and i'm not just like we're talking like 50 shade sex it's not all that there's
• 25:37
  other sex there's like my woman my chair my throne like there are words that
• 25:43
  you remember from these books you're like this is pretty amazing,
• 25:46
  you'll have to send me some oh my god i have so many recommendations there's
• 25:50
  a group that there's a couple of us that read them and we're like oh my god did you get to this part,
• 25:55
  i have a friend for you oh good she's she's into it she's of your so i'll take
• 25:59
  i walk down my street and i'll be listening to some of the books because i don't
• 26:03
  have enough time to like read them all the time so i'll listen to my walks and
• 26:07
  there are parts where i'm literally walking down the street blushing.
• 26:10
  I'm like, oh my God, if anyone knew what was going on inside of these headphones right now.
• 26:15
  They'd be blushing. They'd be blushing. And I've had my kids get in the car
• 26:19
  and I'm like, oh, my God, the podcast.
• 26:21
  I'm like, Spotify, Spotify, Spotify. Like, turn this off. It's a whole new world
• 26:26
  for me. And it just started a couple of years ago.
• 26:28
  I love it. But this has gone down a rabbit hole of books now.
• 26:30
  But there is part of those books that.
• 26:35
  I think women are starting to read them and realize, like, I want this in my
• 26:38
  life. And I want, you know, I want things to be more intimate.
• 26:41
  I want more spice. I want to change things up a little bit. Yeah.
• 26:44
  Hey, listen, anything that inspires you. Right? Yes. Is it working?
• 26:50
  Yeah. We're always good, though.
• 26:53
  Love that. I'm very lucky. I really like my husband and we have fun together, so it works.
• 26:59
  I won't embarrass you, Benjamin. He's going to listen to this and be like,
• 27:01
  please stop talking. My husband would be like, please stop, Maria.
• 27:04
  Please stop. I wanted him to come on the podcast forever.
• 27:08
  He might. We'll see if he'll do it. And we did like a little practice session
• 27:12
  in the house one night. We were drinking wine.
• 27:14
  And I'm like, OK, these are all the questions I would ask you.
• 27:17
  So I start asking him these questions and he thought it was going to be like about him.
• 27:23
  Like, where did you come from? What was your upbringing? Deep dive emotional stuff.
• 27:28
  And my questions were like, so what annoys you the most about me?
• 27:33
  Like, it was more of those questions and it got to be really funny and then
• 27:36
  inappropriate. And then we decided we couldn't drink while we were doing it
• 27:39
  because we would, I would be shut off probably.
• 27:43
  The discussion would go down a rabbit hole. I love this concept, though. I do, too.
• 27:48
  I do, too. We'll do it, maybe. Cocktails and conversation. Oh,
• 27:52
  my God. That's actually very funny because we do events that are called that. Really? Yeah.
• 27:57
  Because that's the whole point, right? You get together, you have a cocktail,
• 28:00
  and you chat. Yeah, I feel like more might come out after a cocktail. Oh, always.
• 28:05
  More always comes out after a cocktail. In fact, we were at an event at Le Chat
• 28:10
  over the weekend, and it was this concept called The Longest Table.
• 28:14
  And The Longest Table was started in New York City during COVID.
• 28:17
  And this woman started it by telling her neighbors, like, bring a table down,
• 28:21
  everyone bring your own food, and we'll sit outside because we can't be inside,
• 28:25
  and we'll all have dinner.
• 28:26
  And it was a beautiful concept. Neighbors came together. And it got so big that
• 28:31
  they ended up with one of their events was 4,000 people over the Brooklyn Bridge.
• 28:35
  Oh, my gosh. And it's called The Longest Table because it's literally like table upon table upon table.
• 28:40
  But each table was like a group of people. So we had eight people at our table.
• 28:45
  I didn't know anyone that was coming to my table. I knew Ben because my husband,
• 28:49
  he was my date. You know, he had to be there as a conversationalist.
• 28:52
  And I did cards for everyone with different questions. Conversation starters.
• 28:56
  Because you don't know anyone. I mean, we're all from here in Weston,
• 28:58
  but I didn't know anyone who was at the table.
• 29:01
  And it was fascinating. Everyone opened up. One woman said she was going back,
• 29:06
  to get her degree in theology. Wow. And she said,
• 29:09
  This was after she had taken care of her mom for years and she was like,
• 29:13
  what am I going to do next? And she'd always been interested in it.
• 29:16
  Another gentleman who was with us is going back to get his degree in psychology.
• 29:21
  This is our conversation back
• 29:22
  to when you get older, like, what do I want to do? What do I want to be?
• 29:26
  And he's completely changed what he wants to do and discovered something that
• 29:29
  he's really passionate about.
• 29:31
  And it was fascinating to have a glass of wine and food and these conversations
• 29:36
  about what everyone's doing, what they love.
• 29:38
  It went down a rabbit hole of like, there's all these new studies about MDMA,
• 29:43
  and psychology and how psychiatrists are using it for PTSD and trauma.
• 29:48
  Yeah. We talked all about that at the table.
• 29:51
  I mean, if you were a little bird listening to this, it would be just a fascinating
• 29:55
  conversation that everyone had like different feelings about.
• 29:57
  I love that. I love that you brought these conversation cards,
• 30:01
  like these starter cards.
• 30:02
  So I have to give credit to my friend Dawn. my friend dawn every dinner party
• 30:06
  that she has thrown she has done questions,
• 30:10
  and whether they're at your seat already or whether you walk around you take
• 30:14
  a pick like a paper out of a bowl,
• 30:17
  and everyone answers a question and it is a way of bringing everyone together
• 30:22
  yes and it could be a question like one of the questions was what was the best concert you ever went to.
• 30:28
  And then everyone's talking about concerts. And then you realize how many people
• 30:30
  love music and the types of music.
• 30:32
  I mean, it was really fascinating. So I give her credit because she taught me the ways of doing that.
• 30:38
  And we do it for everything. I love it. It allows everyone to get to know each
• 30:42
  other on a different level, right? Yeah. Like, where are you from?
• 30:45
  What do you do? Do you have kids? Like, it was more than that.
• 30:48
  We talked about our kids in, like, brief moments when there was a question asked.
• 30:51
  But it was more about them. Yes.
• 30:55
  Which I really love. Oh, that's amazing. Because I find as parents,
• 30:58
  when we don't know what to talk about and we have kids, everyone talks about their kids.
• 31:03
  Yeah, it's just like the automatic conversation. I am with you.
• 31:06
  Like, those are some of the most boring conversations.
• 31:11
  It's like, let's talk about us. So, yeah, we all have kids. You know,
• 31:15
  we're all dealing with the same stuff. But you know what?
• 31:18
  Going back to the conversation starter cards. So one of the things that I would
• 31:22
  like to do, like a next step for Ask Leslie, is to have like a branded product line.
• 31:27
  Could be like hostess gifts, whether it's like different candle scents,
• 31:33
  like scents that I love, but also have like a meaning behind them.
• 31:37
  Sure. Like conversation starter, like nicely curated.
• 31:42
  Yeah. Small product line of things. That someone can take out during a dinner
• 31:46
  party and pass them around. It could be like advice. Yeah.
• 31:50
  If you were asked this question, what would the advice be? Yes.
• 31:52
  What would the advice be? Exactly. What an icebreaker. I love it.
• 31:56
  And like within that person's answer, it allows you to get to know them a little bit better.
• 32:00
  And then, I mean, some people may agree. Some people may disagree.
• 32:03
  It could lead to other conversations. Yeah.
• 32:05
  And we had people who were definitely of different beliefs in life.
• 32:09
  And everyone sat at that table talking.
• 32:12
  And none of it mattered. It was just people at a table enjoying each other's
• 32:16
  time and company and getting to know each other.
• 32:19
  It was really special. This is so funny. So you just said ilk.
• 32:23
  Okay, so I said it before, like not five minutes ago, but I said...
• 32:28
  This happens to me all the time. And my husband makes fun of me because I will
• 32:32
  think I'm saying it correctly, but I'm actually not. Like, I said elk.
• 32:36
  You said elk. You said elk. And that's the right way. So this is just another
• 32:41
  example, Jarrett, of me thinking I know what I'm saying, and I totally don't.
• 32:46
  Elk. It's elk. It's elk. Thank you. That's so funny. I know.
• 32:49
  It's rare at this age that you learn something new. I learn something new all the time now.
• 32:55
  And I think it's, I might have thought I knew, but then a different scenario
• 33:00
  happens, a different circumstance. I meet someone new and I learn something new.
• 33:04
  Love it. And I'm so open to it. I feel like at this point in life,
• 33:08
  we have to remain curious.
• 33:10
  Yes. Because if we're not curious, you don't grow and you don't develop and
• 33:14
  you don't become a human being who is able to change.
• 33:18
  I was thinking about this actually on the car ride here. So I have two girls.
• 33:22
  They both just started third grade and sixth grade.
• 33:26
  And I was thinking about how many first-time experiences they're having. Yes.
• 33:33
  And we don't have that many first-time experiences anymore. It's like the first
• 33:38
  time they're getting on skis, the first time they're shampooing their own hair,
• 33:43
  like all these little moments that they just happened for us.
• 33:48
  And seeing them do it is like, oh, that's like first time. Yeah.
• 33:54
  Experiencing something like this is.
• 33:56
  Yeah. Well, this is the first time I'm sitting down with you. That's right.
• 33:59
  This is the first time I've had someone who doesn't advice call them on my podcast.
• 34:03
  This is exciting. And maybe soon I'll have a first time reading one of your,
• 34:08
  fantasy romance. What is it?
• 34:12
  Romanticies. I have so many. So many.
• 34:16
  So we talk, I think as humans, we talk about boundaries. I talk about them with my kids, right?
• 34:22
  You have to put up boundaries. And at some point, do you think that...
• 34:28
  We use those boundaries to protect ourselves in just saying no and not showing up.
• 34:35
  Like if you're like, I need, I can only spend a certain amount of time with so-and-so.
• 34:39
  And that's my boundary. I can only be with this person for this long.
• 34:43
  I'm putting up boundaries for that. I can only be in this situation.
• 34:46
  But at some point, is it a cop-out and we're just not showing up? No.
• 34:50
  I think it's a way that we protect ourselves. Okay. Yeah.
• 34:54
  We are allowing ourselves to be the best version of who we want to be.
• 34:59
  So, like, we set boundaries so that we don't go off the edge. Okay.
• 35:05
  Yeah. I think setting boundaries for yourself are extremely smart.
• 35:11
  And if you don't set boundaries to yourself, you should implement that rule.
• 35:17
  It's a really good way of knowing yourself, too. It is. Knowing what you can
• 35:21
  and can't. Exactly. Manage, deal with.
• 35:24
  And you're experienced enough to set a boundary to know if I pass it,
• 35:28
  it's not going to be good.
• 35:29
  Yeah. I'll give you an example. I'm going out to visit my dad.
• 35:34
  I'm spending three nights there. That is my boundary. He would probably want me to stay for a week.
• 35:41
  But I can't. Yeah. But you know yourself well enough to be able to do that.
• 35:45
  Yes. And I have stayed there for a week. And then I've stayed there for five days.
• 35:49
  And then after experiencing that, it's like, okay, three days is my threshold.
• 35:53
  Three days is, yep, that's my boundary. Yeah, I think the boundaries are so important.
• 35:58
  I really do. You know yourself when you can put those up. Yes.
• 36:01
  In the right way. Right. It is very healthy. Yeah.
• 36:04
  Let's get into Ask Leslie time. Yes.
• 36:08
  So I have some questions. Okay. That I'm going to ask. All right.
• 36:11
  And you can tell me what you would respond to someone.
• 36:16
  Okay. Do you want to go back and forth? Let's do it. Do you have questions for
• 36:18
  me? Do you want to go back and forth? Yeah. I brought some unanswered Ask Leslie
• 36:23
  questions. And I was thinking maybe we could figure this out together.
• 36:27
  Oh, so let's do that instead. For future issue. Do you want to do that instead of this? No.
• 36:31
  Because you want to do both. Yeah, I think. And then whatever makes sense. All right.
• 36:34
  Let's do both. Okay. So we're going to go into an Ask Leslie.
• 36:37
  Okay. A friend never Venmo's you after dinner. How many days before you request it?
• 36:43
  Oh, my gosh. And this is like you talked about, I will pay this bill.
• 36:48
  This isn't like we're going for coffee. Stop. Don't even ask me for money to
• 36:51
  get the next one. Yeah. This is like you all went to a nice dinner.
• 36:54
  Yes. There is $150 waiting to be.
• 36:57
  Yeah. When to send the reminder.
• 37:01
  I would say if you don't have it within three days, do the request.
• 37:06
  Okay. The Venmo request. They'll get the message. That way, Venmo does the talking
• 37:11
  for you and you don't need to send the awkward text. Okay.
• 37:15
  I like that. That's a good answer. Can you leave a group chat without announcing your departure?
• 37:21
  Is that even possible? Yes, you can leave a group chat anytime.
• 37:24
  You can leave a group chat, but doesn't the message always pop up? Uh-huh.
• 37:28
  Oh, it alerts you. Oh, it alerts you. Right. But it's not like,
• 37:31
  hey, guys, I'm out. Say it personally.
• 37:34
  Whatever it is, your iPhone says it for you. Hmm.
• 37:40
  Yes. Okay. I think you can just be done with it.
• 37:44
  Yeah. And then you might get some texts from people saying, hey,
• 37:48
  why did you? Or you can proactively to a select group. It'd be like,
• 37:53
  I remove myself from the group chat because X, Y, Z. Yeah.
• 37:56
  Yeah. And I've done that before. Like, there'll be group chats,
• 38:00
  like, with my husband's family.
• 38:02
  And we're all talking about, like, a big family event that's coming up.
• 38:06
  Like, what are you bringing? What are you bringing? And it's like,
• 38:09
  I'll just get all the info from my husband. I really don't need my phone to
• 38:13
  be blowing up. My brother-in-law's like, do not put me on a group chat. He can't take it.
• 38:17
  He's like, don't make me do it. That's his boundary. No group chats.
• 38:20
  Yeah, but good for him for having that boundary. Like, it probably drives him crazy.
• 38:25
  Who needs that? But I'm trying to think, aside from personally,
• 38:29
  aside from the family going back and forth, I don't think other than that I've
• 38:34
  ever left a group chat. Yeah. I don't know if I ever have either.
• 38:38
  I can't think of an occasion where I've left one. Oh, I think it's like everyone
• 38:41
  was figuring out, like you said, and I'm like, okay, guys, bye. But I said bye first.
• 38:48
  Like, I'm leaving, and then I left. That's a really good question. Yeah.
• 38:52
  And how can it not come across as being rude? Yeah, or dramatic.
• 38:57
  Is it ever okay to tell a friend you don't like their partner? Yeah.
• 39:03
  Oh, boy. Oh, this is tough.
• 39:07
  I think it's all circumstantial. I think that, yes, it is okay, but be prompted.
• 39:17
  Like, if your friend brings it up, if they ask you, what do you think of,
• 39:23
  you know, XYZ, then that is your time to tell the truth in the kindest way possible. Yeah.
• 39:31
  That's a really tough situation. It is a really tough situation.
• 39:34
  I know. That's a tough one. I don't know how I would, unless there was something
• 39:38
  really wrong and you're like, this is not okay. The situation is not okay.
• 39:43
  Like protecting or helping save someone a little bit.
• 39:47
  Yeah. That would be difficult. I know. And I feel like it happens quite a bit,
• 39:52
  I think, where you don't like the person's partner.
• 39:56
  They end up breaking up. And then all the truth comes out. Absolutely.
• 40:00
  And then they're like, why didn't you tell me something before? Yep. Yep. Been there.
• 40:07
  So. And you're like, well, what's it going to do? Yes. Because you would think
• 40:11
  that this person sees what everybody else is seeing. Love is blind. Love is blind.
• 40:16
  I know. Love is blind. Yeah. Someone keeps asking you a question that's none
• 40:20
  of their business. What is the perfect response? Yeah.
• 40:24
  I don't feel comfortable answering that question, but when and if I do,
• 40:30
  you'll be the first to know.
• 40:32
  Brilliant. Write that down, everybody. Record that one. That's a great answer.
• 40:37
  Can you stop exchanging gifts with another family without having a summit about it?
• 40:41
  I don't understand this. So let's say you're exchanging Christmas gifts and
• 40:46
  you used to exchange gifts with family and now you don't want to do it anymore.
• 40:50
  Do you have to have a full conversation about it or do you just stop doing it?
• 40:55
  Well, if it's sort of a tradition and the expectation is that these gifts are
• 41:00
  going to be happening, then there needs to be a discussion. There should be a discussion. Yeah.
• 41:05
  I know for Christmas at one point we were like, guys, let's stop getting adult gifts. Just the kids.
• 41:10
  Yeah. Right. The kids get gifts and that's how we're doing it from now on.
• 41:13
  Yes. Yeah. We do it similarly with my husband's family. It's like we do the Secret Santa.
• 41:18
  Yeah. So they celebrate the Jewish holidays, so it's Hanukkah Harry or Hanukkah
• 41:22
  Harriet. Okay. So we get the kids the gifts, and then we each get,
• 41:26
  like, one adult to gift for. Yeah. But then you've talked about it. Yeah. That makes sense.
• 41:32
  What's one piece of good manners you think we should get rid of?
• 41:38
  Get rid of? Yeah. And is there a social rule that you wish could be brought back? Oh, my gosh.
• 41:45
  Okay. I know the social rule to be brought back. But God, what to get rid of.
• 41:50
  I need to think more on that.
• 41:51
  So this is totally old school. Okay. But I just love it when men stand up when
• 42:01
  you're at the table and you get up to go to the bathroom.
• 42:05
  You get up to go to the bar to get a drink. I just think there's something so
• 42:09
  classy and elegant and respectful for a man. Yeah.
• 42:13
  I miss having etiquette classes.
• 42:16
  Ah, and I've talked to my girlfriends about this because we all have boys.
• 42:20
  And I really would love to have my 14-year-old and all of his friends over and
• 42:25
  just teach them, look, these are the things you do.
• 42:29
  You don't start eating until everyone's at the table, especially the cook.
• 42:32
  Unless the cook, who's most likely your mom or your grandmother or someone, right?
• 42:37
  And it could be your dad or, you know, uncle who's cooking. But until they've
• 42:41
  said, no, eat the pasta now, because in my house, pasta goes on the table.
• 42:44
  Everyone eats it because it's got to be eaten hot. Don't let pasta get cold.
• 42:47
  And my dad has yelled at us for years about that. Like, just eat the pasta.
• 42:50
  I'll be there in a minute. You wait for everyone to come to the table.
• 42:54
  Yes. Right? And wait for everyone to sit down. Yes. Pull out chairs.
• 42:58
  I love that. Pull out chairs. You open doors. Yes. My boys are very good at
• 43:02
  opening doors for people.
• 43:04
  I love that. Like, chivalry is not dead. Yes. We just have to remind them how
• 43:07
  to be chivalrous. That is exactly right.
• 43:09
  And I also tell them, I've taught them how to pump gas because they're going
• 43:13
  to have to know at some point.
• 43:15
  And I also say, look, women can do everything men can.
• 43:19
  I can take out the garbage. I can pump my own gas. But do I want to? No.
• 43:23
  So guess what? This is my feminism. You get to do it.
• 43:27
  Yeah. So you get to take out the garbage. When you stop with your girlfriend
• 43:31
  and you're needing to get gas, you get out of the car and you do it for her.
• 43:35
  She can do it. But why make her? Yeah. Like, she's gotten dressed up.
• 43:39
  She's ready to go. She's in heels.
• 43:41
  Don't make that girl get out of the car and put gas on her hands.
• 43:44
  I agree. You can do that part. Yeah, I love it when we go to New Jersey because...
• 43:48
  They pump your gas! Oh my gosh, yes. It's like the best. You don't have to go
• 43:52
  anywhere or touch anything. When did you realize Ask Leslie might actually become
• 43:56
  something bigger than a local advice column?
• 44:01
  I think I knew it from the beginning. The feeling. I naturally am very intuitive.
• 44:06
  I don't know if it's part of my Scorpio name. Also a little mysterious.
• 44:10
  But yeah, I knew it from the beginning. Like the column is the launch pad. It is the foundation.
• 44:17
  This could go a lot of different ways. Yeah.
• 44:21
  I don't have like a master plan or anything. It's more of a gut feeling.
• 44:25
  I'm figuring it out as I go along. But I love when you listen to the gut feeling.
• 44:29
  Yes. There's a reason. There is a reason. There's a reason something's bubbling
• 44:34
  in there. Yes, and it has served me right. Yeah, for a long time.
• 44:37
  Don't ever stop listening to it.
• 44:39
  That is one piece of advice as we're talking about advice. Yes.
• 44:42
  You've got to listen to your gut. There's a feeling there. There's something in it.
• 44:46
  Yes, and you can ask 10 different people and you might get 10 different answers,
• 44:50
  but really the only one that matters is your own. That's right.
• 44:53
  So let's go through some questions that you have answered and let's answer them
• 44:58
  together. Okay, love that.
• 45:00
  At what point does self-promotion become cringe?
• 45:06
  Oh, we kind of touched on we did. And I think it becomes cringe when it's not authentic anymore.
• 45:12
  I think when you can watch someone promoting themselves or what they do and
• 45:16
  you know instinctively, that's not who they really are.
• 45:21
  Yes. When it's not authentic anymore. When they've pushed some sort of boundary
• 45:24
  that you're like, that one doesn't feel right. That one feels like it's not real.
• 45:30
  Yeah. Like trying. trying too hard too hard there's something in it that you're
• 45:35
  like there's like that instinct you're like this doesn't feel right it doesn't
• 45:38
  match everything else that's been happening yes yeah overall i feel like there's
• 45:42
  been this shift with social media where like before,
• 45:45
  on instagram or whatever else it was like this whole aspirational aspect to
• 45:50
  it and everything just like looked perfect and curated and that's not resonating
• 45:55
  anymore no they want and maybe that's like a post-COVID thing.
• 45:57
  Like, people just want to see authentic content.
• 46:00
  I think people are tired of the fakeness of it.
• 46:04
  And when they would see someone who was one way on social media,
• 46:10
  and then in person, you're like, wait, that is not the same person.
• 46:14
  So I basically answered essentially how you answered. And I said,
• 46:20
  if it makes you cringe, don't post it.
• 46:24
  Yeah. Like, that's just like the key like if you look back at your video and
• 46:28
  you're like yeah that doesn't feel right yeah yeah yeah then don't do it yeah.
• 46:33
  Okay so this is actually a question that came in.
• 46:39
  And it was a little too spicy for me to put in print. Oh, no. Yeah.
• 46:43
  That's a bummer. So with all your... With all the spice, let's go.
• 46:46
  With all the books you're reading, maybe you can provide some good insight here.
• 46:49
  So the question is, been married for 25 years, and intimacy only happens after a fight.
• 46:59
  Oh, but that's their kink.
• 47:01
  Like, that could be their kink. I guess.
• 47:05
  The fighting ignites the passion, and they're finding passion,
• 47:09
  and that's when they get to be intimate with each other.
• 47:13
  But it's unhealthy. It's unhealthy, but what's the fighting?
• 47:17
  Like, they're just arguing with each other?
• 47:19
  It's, like, not physically fighting. If it's physically fighting and then you're
• 47:23
  having sex, you need to talk to a therapist. Yeah, right. Like, that's different.
• 47:27
  If it's 25 years and you've gone through a lot together, and when you're fighting,
• 47:30
  you feel like you're both passionate about something and that ignites a spark.
• 47:35
  But wouldn't it be nice to be intimate with your spouse, like,
• 47:40
  while you're saying loving things to each other? Sure, but maybe that doesn't turn you on.
• 47:46
  Like, someone who's loving, and I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here.
• 47:50
  Like, you could love someone and love the endearment of it and the sweetness
• 47:55
  of it and the kindness of it.
• 47:57
  But there's also maybe part of you that's like, I want, I can't say this on this, can I?
• 48:02
  Guys, this is going to go far. Hold on. I'm going to say it,
• 48:05
  but I'm going to have to say this. Take it. Take it. But there also could be
• 48:08
  part of you that's like, I want to fight with someone that I want to just be, I want to be taken.
• 48:13
  Yeah. Like, just throw me on the bed and have your way with me.
• 48:17
  Yes. There could be that. They're missing that feeling of wanting to tear each
• 48:22
  other's clothes off and just ravage each other. And if that's missing...
• 48:27
  And that's the way they find it. Like maybe they can bring in role play.
• 48:31
  They could role play. There you go. Yeah. They could role play. Fake fight. Fake fight.
• 48:36
  And then who knows what happens. Yeah. So I don't know.
• 48:40
  I find that when it comes to like marriage, other people's marriage and their
• 48:46
  intimacy and their sex lives, everyone's so different in how they're intimate with their spouse that,
• 48:53
  you could be really soft with each other all the time.
• 48:56
  You could need that roughness. You could want a balance of it.
• 48:59
  And I just feel like as long as they're happy and there's honesty and respect
• 49:04
  and a level of kindness that goes deeper than just, you know, loving the person.
• 49:10
  It's like there's real kindness and tenderness there. Then however you get off.
• 49:16
  I get it. But kindness, tenderness and respect don't resonate with me in terms of fighting.
• 49:23
  Then that doesn't seem like kindness, respect, and tenderness.
• 49:26
  Yes, but if they're kind to each other outside of these moments where they have
• 49:30
  a fight and then want to go have sex,
• 49:33
  or be intimate with each other, if there's a balance with the fact that they
• 49:37
  love each other undeniably and there's a respect there for their life and their
• 49:42
  love, then if you have to fight and then go make out, go for it.
• 49:48
  I would suggest therapy for this couple. I'm just going to tell you to read
• 49:52
  some romantically books. Maybe you'll find another way of going at it.
• 49:56
  But you know, it's like this person, like this could be a couple that you know.
• 50:00
  It's like you don't delve into people's sex lives.
• 50:03
  No, no. I mean, we all talk about sex, but it's not in that way.
• 50:09
  If you really wanted to, you'd want to talk to somebody who's a professional
• 50:12
  that can talk you through it a little bit with your spouse. Yeah, right.
• 50:17
  I have a friend who can help. She's an intimacy expert. Oh, yeah.
• 50:21
  That's wonderful. Just call her. Yeah. We don't want more questions.
• 50:24
  I know. So the third question was one that I already talked about.
• 50:28
  The engagement party and wasn't invited to the wedding and then was invited.
• 50:32
  But my initial reaction is to be like, I'd cut that bitch off.
• 50:36
  Cut that bitch. I'm done. Well, there is. You can't. You don't know what happened.
• 50:39
  You don't know why the dynamic is like that.
• 50:41
  I mean, that's a lot for someone to do all of that work and be so helpful and
• 50:45
  then not being invited to the wedding. That would burn.
• 50:48
  That would burn. Yes, it would. Like forever. Forever.
• 50:51
  How do you come back from that? Yeah, how do you? Friendship is forever.
• 50:54
  When you learn of why and the reasoning behind it, that would still be very
• 50:59
  hard to come back from. Yes.
• 51:01
  And you know what? This is something sometimes I turn the answer around to the
• 51:07
  person asking it. Sure. It's like, take a look at yourself, too.
• 51:12
  Okay, so here's a question.
• 51:14
  A question came in and she gives
• 51:17
  gifts like never comes to a party or someone's home empty-handed okay,
• 51:22
  And she really enjoys that. There's this one friend in particular who never
• 51:30
  sends a thank you card, never sends a thank you text, never says thank you in person.
• 51:35
  Like, there's never an acknowledgement that a gift was given.
• 51:42
  And so she's like, should I say something to her? Like, it's hurting this person's feelings. Okay.
• 51:50
  And so my advice to her was maybe if it means that much to you to get some sort
• 51:55
  of response out of this person, maybe like shoot them a text and be like,
• 51:58
  hey, you know, I thought of you when I got those coasters, like,
• 52:03
  let me know how you're liking them or something.
• 52:06
  I don't know, something that would spark a reaction in a quote unquote natural way.
• 52:11
  But I also asked this reader to be like, are you giving gifts and want this reaction genuinely?
• 52:20
  Or are you, I'm not phrasing this right, but like, are you, who's the reaction for?
• 52:27
  Like, do you need that thank you? It's like, if it's really bothering you that
• 52:30
  much, then maybe stop giving this person gifts. Yeah, that's right.
• 52:35
  I'm a firm believer that you give gifts because you want to,
• 52:38
  not because you want someone to say thank you.
• 52:40
  Exactly. I give my friends things because I love them and I thought of them in that moment.
• 52:46
  And I'm dropping off candies to your house because I saw them at HomeGoods and
• 52:49
  they were waiting for you. And I know you love these caribals, so...
• 52:52
  Here, take them. Yeah. But you're doing that because you thought of someone.
• 52:57
  Yes. And you thought they would like this.
• 52:59
  And the gift is that if they don't respond, they don't respond.
• 53:03
  It's not that you give them because you want to.
• 53:06
  Yes. If you're giving them for a response, stop giving gifts.
• 53:09
  Yeah, exactly. Find another way to get praise.
• 53:12
  Yes, that's what it is. Find another way to get praise. Are you looking just
• 53:16
  for the praise? Because that's what it sounds like.
• 53:18
  I know. I know. That would be so hard.
• 53:21
  I'd be like, you're looking for praise. Stop giving gifts and find another way.
• 53:25
  Find another way. Yeah. Because what you're asking for is not working.
• 53:29
  But I am like you, too. I think I am that thoughtful person where if I see something,
• 53:34
  I'm like, oh, that reminds of so-and-so. Let me grab it for her.
• 53:37
  I have a friend who writes thank you notes for everything, handwritten,
• 53:42
  like sent in the mailbox.
• 53:44
  She brings something for everything just because she does.
• 53:47
  And she does it because she loves doing it. Like, I actually feel like handwritten
• 53:54
  notes are something that's missing from what we used to do.
• 53:57
  And I am lax at it, even though I love writing them. And I think it's so important
• 54:02
  that we send them. And when our kids get gifts, there should be a handwritten note.
• 54:06
  Over the last few years, I apologize to everyone. You know you haven't gotten
• 54:08
  one because I have not been on top of it.
• 54:10
  But I love a handwritten note. My son had his first job this year.
• 54:16
  And he wrote a handwritten note to one of our friends who wrote a recommendation.
• 54:21
  This is important. This is something you're going to do in life.
• 54:24
  And that moment, our friend was like, holy shit, who is this kid?
• 54:28
  And it's respect. It's honoring someone who actually helped you out and thanking
• 54:34
  them and recognizing that. And I think those are very important that we should
• 54:38
  probably be bringing back.
• 54:40
  100%. And it's handwritten. Yes.
• 54:42
  Not typed, not computer. I had a friend who received her bar mitzvah thank you.
• 54:47
  And it was like a blanket email that the kid sent to everyone.
• 54:52
  And she's like, really? No, there's nothing original about that.
• 54:55
  But there is something original about a handwritten note and for sure will make
• 55:01
  you stand out because no one is doing it. No one's doing it.
• 55:04
  And I am a firm believer in the handwritten note. I do. I love it.
• 55:08
  I wish that I will do that more, guys. It's on my list of adding things to my
• 55:12
  life. Yes. I'll take something else out that I don't use and I'll add in writing notes.
• 55:16
  I love stationery. I love going into stationery stores and Barnes & Noble and
• 55:20
  looking at all of that stuff. Yes, I know. It's really fun.
• 55:23
  I love it. Pen to paper. Pen to paper. I know. We get lost in like forgetting
• 55:28
  all of that stuff sometimes with all the technology that's around us.
• 55:33
  Just start writing. Imagine writing someone a letter and you don't get a response
• 55:36
  for like four weeks. Let's bring it back. Let's bring it back.
• 55:40
  Leslie, this was wonderful. So much fun. I would love for you to come back and
• 55:45
  do like the whole Ask Leslie segment. We can have people writing questions and we can do it live.
• 55:51
  I would love that. Right? Yes. That would be super fun. Yeah.
• 55:54
  Okay, we're going to do that. And then I'll chime in with my inappropriate answers to everyone.
• 55:58
  Thank you so much for joining me today on She's Smart. New episodes drop every other Thursday.
• 56:04
  Don't forget to subscribe, like, and share. Stay cozy.