Latest / Beyond Limits With Olivia Marie / Attachment Style and Your Nervous System (Which Are You & How To Regulate)

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Attachment Style and Your Nervous System (Which Are You & How To Regulate) · Beyond Limits With Olivia Marie

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Live Well Podcast.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Liv, a naturopathic doctor, mentor, energy healer, akasha breeder, intuitive, energetic business mentor, and honestly, so much more.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: I help you heal on a physical and emotional level so that you can feel delicious in your health, body, relationships, career, and bank account.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: This show is for those of you who are looking to go beyond the basic wellness stuff, cut out their BS, and really create a life you love.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about health, trauma healing, energetics, feminine energy, wealth, and magnetism so that you can live a life that feels delicious.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: In these episodes, we will have an honest conversation without the fluffy bullshit.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You walk away with all of the insights, tools, and tips to truly live your best life, mind, body, and soul.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you are looking to live well, you are in the right place.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: For ways to work with me, visit keepupwithlive.com and follow me on Instagram at keep up with live for more.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And with that, let's get into the show.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Live Well Podcast.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I am excited for yet another episode.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, thank you for being here.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for just absorbing all of this content, applying it to your life.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know so many of you have had your lives changed just by listening to my podcast and applying everything.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that is kind of my goal is to help bring as much awareness and healing as I can to you on these episodes.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, through mine and the ones from my guests.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, that being said, we are diving into attachment styles today.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm really excited because your attachment style really influences your nervous system response.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I briefly touched on attachment styles a little while back when we were talking about, you know, creating a relationship that nourishes your soul and receiving a man who leads and like needing to be in your feminine.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that's all good and true.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I will definitely go back and listen to those episodes, but we are going to be diving deeper into it and getting really nuanced so that you could really understand this for yourself.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So your attachment style literally dictates how you respond to stress and how your nervous system responds, not just in romantic relationships, but honestly trickles into life altogether.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your attachment style dictates how you perceive stress and how you perceive challenges, how you react to and how you recover from stress, which as we know is regulation, right?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Regulation is your ability to come back after having a stressful event.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: It also dictates the role that people and relationships play in your efforts to cope with stress, and also the strategies you use to cope with and adapt to stress.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it's fascinating to learn what's happening in our brains as we feel either accepted or rejected by people closest to us or important to us.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And what's happening in our brains basically as we experience a sense of connection and belonging or that of disconnection and isolation.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So our brains by 12 to 18 months are completely outside of our awareness from stories, structures, and beliefs when it comes to attachment.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And these actually become how you operate lifelong until you do the healing, of course, to heal your attachment style.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And they are unconscious.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So by 12 to 18 months of age, all these unconscious story structures, patterns, beliefs about attachment have been solidified in there.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when the experiences have been less than optimal, those unconscious patterns of attachment can continue to shape the perceptions and responses of our brain to new experiences and relationships, both intimately and not intimately, but of course to a higher degree in our romantic ones.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I say this every time I bring up anything to do with inner child or when you were younger.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: This does not mean mom and dad were bad.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: This does not mean that they didn't have the best of intentions.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: This does not even mean that they didn't love you.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: It just means how the younger version of you perceived things to be true at that age.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe dad wasn't around a lot because he was working a lot.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: He loves you, wants to put food on the table, wants to take care of you, but just wasn't physically present there.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So your attachment style might be a bit anxious or avoidant when it comes to dad.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so just really understanding.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think through this episode, we're really gonna break this down for you.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I love, I love self-awareness episodes.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I love when you can just listen to this episode, probably have a bunch of like aha moments from it, and then you know, come to the attached masterclass too, if you like.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So we respond in old ways based on this programming.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So know that it's set by 12 to 18 months of age.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then how we respond gets kind of stuck in our nervous system.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then we can't take in new experiences or new information.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: We can't learn or adapt because of this programming that is basically in survival mode, trying to keep us alive based on our attachment style.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So basically, what you can call as outside the brain looking in, these defensive patterns happen that really set off that fight or flight response within our system.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: So our 24-7 alarm sender, which is constantly scanning the environment for threat, danger, even in our sleep, this little amygdala, it's called your amygdala, and generates your fight or flight response.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Very important in attachment.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Amygdala, attachment.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: We share this with mammals, we share this with birds, okay?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: The amygdala is also the core of our interactive social processing, meaning it processes our social interactions and is also the center of our emotional learning.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this so important?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because, star double underlying, you're gonna want to listen to this.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: The amygdala assesses every experience for safety or danger, for pleasure, for pain, and pairs each experience with an emotional valence, an emotional charge, whether it is positive or negative.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Then that makes us approach or avoid similar situations in the future based on that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: The more intense the charge, the more neurons that fire in the brain.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is all based on past attachment by 12 to 18 months that you can't even remember.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like little that that lasts 30 seconds, like take that clip and like repeat it on, because this is very important to understand.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because you may not even remember, and you're not even consciously aware of these story structures and beliefs that are operating that are making you behave a certain way, that has literally programmed your neural circuitry.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your amygdala is literally constantly scanning because it love wasn't consistent, right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's constantly scanning because maybe we think we're gonna be abandoned or left and we didn't get what we needed.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So we might need to scan to make sure that it doesn't happen to us again.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so these attachment patterns stabilize in that neural circuitry by 12 to 18 months of age.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: They are stable and unconscious before we have the conscious choice in the matter.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And unless we do something drastic to change them, right, those rules of relating, those rules or stories or structures carry on to our romantic relationships in adulthood.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're thinking, oh shit, well, now I'm fucked, don't worry.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: We can uh we can release your attachment styles and we can program something new, right?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the temporal, different from the amygdala of the cortex, is where memories of attachment experiences are stored, consciously and unconsciously.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: That is where they get stuck.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when brought to consciousness, where they can change, boom, causes ripples.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the powerhouse that I work with.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is also why you should come to the attached masterclass.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So we have the amygdala, right?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: 12 to 18 months of neural circuitry is built.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: The memories of that are stored in the temporal lobe, consciously and unconsciously.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: We bring those consciously up to the surface, we reprogram, rewire them, insert kind of a new structure, we in put in like a new belief, a new coding, if you will, a new iOS software, and that allows your brain to change the way it responds.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So attachment is part of a three-part motivational system: fear, attachment, and exploration.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Fear triggers attachment behaviors.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you are safe and secure, then that attachment soothes the fear and opens up exploration, right?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: This might look like little kids who maybe at first they're scared to leave mom, mom says it's okay, they're securely attached, and then go on and play.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Bye mom, right?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Exploration eventually then will then bump into something that triggers fear again, which will then shut down the exploration, triggers attachment, whether that's safe, anxious, avoidant, or like either type of avoidant, that's either soothed or not soothed, and then the exploration cycle continues again.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: The important thing to understand is that if you do not have a secure attachment, when fears come up, because that's just life, you're actually not able to bring your nervous system down.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is it doesn't actually learn that it's safe and it's okay.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not safe for it to come down, and then it just builds and builds and builds in not a good way.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna break down all the different attachment styles, kind of what it looks like, what it might look like in childhood, and how to start to regulate.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, secure attachment.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is kind of what we want it to look like.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: For those with secure attachment style, their experience of fear, threats is really balanced out by perspective taking because there is a trust, a safety that actually mediates your nervous system response.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: It is like a protective cushion for how you perceive stress.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: So your trust and safety that is built into your nervous system because of your attachment style when you were little actually allows your brain to come up with solutions being versus being blocked by fear.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, for those with secure attachment, when you are faced with like a stress message, is something like together we can do this.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the nervous system is calibrated more towards we can than I can't.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So when you are securely attached, you're able to look at things objectively and not be emotionally charged thanks to neuropathways that were developed to both react to and bounce back from stress.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: So your early life interactions supported your brain to develop both a healthy and active response to input, i.e., not anxious, not avoidant, etc., but also the emotional security to recover more quickly from stress, i.e., regulation, calming down after being alarmed.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you are secure, you are better able to regulate your nervous system based on your attachment style.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So independent of any other trauma, independent of your diet, independent of your nutrition, independent of everything else, your attachment style when you were little influence how your nervous system is regulated.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I'm also like bringing all these different aspects.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: You guys know I'm all about nervous system regulation, and I like to bring together the physical nutrition, and now we're coming at it from an attachment style way, which is like another layer in nervous system regulation.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, in this way, secure attachment is like a fresh rubber band.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can stretch it out, but it snaps right back from tension.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: You can regulate.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And people with a secure attachment are also more likely to view other people as resources rather than threats.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Versus when you are anxious or either type of avoidant, other people are threatening before they're actually resources.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Versus if you are secure, they're resources before they are threats.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because remember, your amygdala is programmed if you are not securely attached to scan for danger.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you automatically assume things are dangerous because you cannot trust things versus automatically assuming things are resources.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, based on your brain's early template of supportive and accepting relationships, if you are secure, you're less likely to view things as dangerous, which are actually not necessarily dangerous.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, because you are secure, you can experience kind of like solutions, if you will, in abundance, thanks to your ability to leverage both yourself and others as regulation strategies.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, how to know basically if you were parented in a way that was secure, right?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's if your parent was available, whether they were present, whether they were predictable, whether you felt like they were empathic towards you, whether they reciprocated communicating with you in a way you love.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you wanted lots of hugs, did they give you lots of hugs, if they wanted, if you wanted words, did they give you, you know, lots of words, all of that.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're basically their ability to soothe you when any dysregulation occurred.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Then if that happened, you're most likely going to be a secure attachment style, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Where you feel safe, you feel protected, you feel felt in your own reality, you feel regulated, soothed, you know, there's a flexible focus on yourself versus outside of the world.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're a lot more likely to become secure in adult relationships because you believe relationships are generally safe, people are generally helpful, you are comfortable with emotions, intimacy, but also independency, and you're optimistic about relationships versus looking at them as potentially a threat.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: So then we have avoidant.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And there's we're gonna go into the two different types of avoidant.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are avoidant, you tend to perceive stress through being independent and figuring it out in your own.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need anyone, I'm gonna figure this out.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't like getting close to others, it scares you.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: You might be suppressing and hiding feelings, you generally don't like communicating emotion, it might feel like too much.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so people with avoidant attachment can often feel annoyed by other people's overreaction to stress while at the same time, you also feel the burden of having to keep it all together and solve the problem.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And in this way, the stress and trauma for you as an avoidant attachment might manifest in moments of stress as numbness, lack of emotion, um, kind of like really not I would say like dissociating, but like really like tapping out, but not like full, you know, dissociation, but tapping out, especially with that numbness.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the message is basically in your head, like alone I can do this.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so your nervous system is really calibrated towards like high energy mobilization.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted it to come on here quickly and let you guys know about attached.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is my new masterclass for healing your attachment style to feel safe and secure in relationships.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to be doing somatic healing in this class to get to the root of your attachment style, which is crazy because this is the first time I've ever done somatic healing in a masterclass.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you definitely do not want to miss this.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, you're gonna feel empowered knowing how to identify your triggers in a relationship.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: You'll leave feeling ease because you actually have the strategies to implement, and so that little girl gets that love and safety that she needs.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not to mention, because we get to the root, you're gonna actually feel free and that energy is gonna leave you feeling relieved and light so yet your nervous system can recalibrate.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, you're gonna be confident knowing that you are on your way to becoming an energetic match for your dream relationship.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now notice how I said relationship because you can still apply these things even if you are in one.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, with that being said, definitely come to the attached masterclass.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: We will leave a link down below.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Healing your attachment style heals your nervous system and just allows it to regulate better, as you will have learned in my podcast episodes.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, with that being said, I cannot wait to see you there.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, this reaction feels productive because it gives you that feeling of control.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: But unfortunately, that feeling of control can also manifest in overworking and overfunctioning.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, a lot of people will probably describe you as strong and different.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And while those sentiments can feel like validating and reinforcing, internally, you know, you being avoiding attachment, you'll also likely experience windows where like the loneliness or exhaustion catches up to you.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because the conflict of I don't need anyone, and why does no one ever take care of me comes to the surface and leaves you with like that deep desire to be able to rely on others because you want to, but there's this protective mechanism being like, well, I don't need anyone, right?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're more of this dismissive avoidant type, your parents may have been either indifferent, distant, absent, either neglectful, rejecting, shaming, blaming, critical, judgmental, either physically or emotionally unavailable.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so what this teaches you as a child is to withdraw from interactions, to be indifferent, right?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: To the like your parents, like you tend to mirror your parents, right?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, oh, they're indifferent.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: All right, let me pretend like I'm indifferent.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't actually seek out or expect comfort or soothing, right?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so you have this defensive reaction of numbing out.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so as an adult, you become emotionally set down, you devalue relationships and feelings, you're uncomfortable with intimacy, uncomfortable, being vulnerable, you might struggle sharing emotional feelings, saying I love you, you know, even just being in a loving relationship where you're aware of like being in love, like that might be too scary for you, right?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difficulty trusting, you can even get to aggressive or hostility in that.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so for many people who identify with this really dismissive avoidant attachment, both reaching out and receiving can feel difficult.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, like sometimes it's really hard to reach out, sometimes it's really hard to receive, right?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important, especially as an avoidant, of course, we're gonna be going into the strategies in the attached masterclass, but it's important to pace yourself with small challenges in order to start experiencing more security in relationships.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then we have the disorganized avoidant.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, with those with this one, periods of like stress and alarm can be particularly confusing because your history of relationships in life can feel really scary and unpredictable.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so it just anything stressful is unreliable.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: The message in your head tends to be, I have to do this on my own.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can't possibly do this on my own.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like oof, I have to, but I don't want to.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so this creates a bind in which you both need to, but on the same time, you cannot rely on others to help you regulate.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so then you feel stuck.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, without any course of action, you can go to dissociating, checking out, that kind of thing.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: So while people with all attachment styles can have unhealthy coping strategies, you may feel especially vulnerable when you are stressed.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if relationships hit the microphone, if relationships don't feel accessible and self-regulation isn't working, you're gonna find yourself trying to regulate through your environment, through excessive alcohol consumption, excessive exercise, controlling your food, you know, through different like eating disorders, things like that.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so if your mom or parent or caregiver, whoever's taking care of you, was even temporarily disorganized or dissociated, or is potentially frightening, bizarre, traumatizing, abusive to you, this is what's going to cause this kind of disorganized, avoided style.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so you as a child then become even temporarily helpless, paralyzed, fragmented, fragmented, fragmented, chaotic, can't focus, can't soothe.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so obviously, as an adult, there's gonna be a difficulty in even regulating your emotions, and you have a lot of like defense mechanisms up to try to protect you from this.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: So actually, a really grounding practice that you can do is to reconnect with your body in the present and in like the quote unquote now to promote a sense of calm.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you notice yourself, if this is you, you're the disorganized kind, if you notice yourself feeling especially distressed or like zoned, um getting to a sense of calm and being present in the now is actually gonna be the most like sensory practice, the best one for you.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take a set of my elixir.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: I also just had my magnesium 3 and 8, L3 and 8 from Symbiotica, and it's like it's so good, and it's with like my little coconut milk elixir.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yummy.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: All right, on to anxious attachment style.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Mainly my favorite because I used to struggle with anxious attachment style.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like it's you're always like really interested in stuff that you used to suffer with, right?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I also tend to deal with a lot more women who are more anxious than avoidant, though I deal with both.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of clients who come to me are more anxious than avoidant, but come to me no matter what you are.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: So for those with a history of anxious attachment, stressful events are often experienced through a lens of magnification.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Everything amplifies.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: You feel alarmed, overwhelmed, like difficult situations tend to just zero to a hundred real quick, right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And your perception is really, really impacted by the reactions of people around you.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like what other people are doing or not doing just like sends you into like a zero to a hundred, right?
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so, along with this really strong reactivity to stress, you might also find it very difficult to bounce back from difficult situations.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so you experience this sustained overwhelm and feelings of being stuck in fight or flight, and you start spiraling.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: This just like this that one line defined like most of my life until what am I now?
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe until like three years ago.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, if you have an anxious attachment style, right, star underline.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you have an anxious attachment style, you're gonna find it very difficult to bounce back from difficult situations because you are in an experience of sustained overwhelm, and then you become stuck in fight or flight and start spiraling.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's also common for those with anxious attachment style to really depend on someone else for your regulation in order to feel calm, safe, better versus it coming from with you.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the message in your head is I can't do this alone.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a sense of both needing others while also being uncertain if you are actually worthy of the care and love that you desire.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so this really creates an experience of powerlessness or dependence on your relationships and this kind of feeling of like half safety, like sleeping with one eye open, of being able to look zero to a hundred real quick.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna feel burnt out.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: You might even feel angry after prolonged.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Which then translates to needy, clingy, kind of amped up energy.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: So this will come from a parent being inconsistent, unpredictable, sometimes attentive and loving, sometimes harsh and punitive, sometimes overinvolved, sometimes in their own world, right?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so as a child, you get insecure about how you can rely on your parent for safety and protection.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not easily soothed.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: There are times where like you're clinging and possessive, sometimes you're angry and defiant.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really an internalization of an anxious mom.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a very much a focus on others and not yourself.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, you're very much wondering, you know, in relationships, does he love me?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or asking, do you love me, or trying to read into text messages and tones and facial language, and is everything okay?
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is everything okay?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is everything okay?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Things like that.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: So as an adult, you know, going into that, you are very much subject to abandonment fears and being left broken up with, rejected, them not loving you.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is that there's a chronic vigilance about attachment separation.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: So you are constantly in that when you're anxiously attached, wait, start, underline, when you are anxiously attached, you are chronically vigilant about that separation and you are looking for danger, making sure that you do not get abandoned.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's this emotional dysregulation and anxiety about that happening, which leaves you exhausted because you're constantly trying to make sure you are not abandoned, right?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: So in order to heal this, there really needs to be self-regulation.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could take you through self-regulation on this podcast, but simply check in with your body and mind as a way to calm yourself and really break the pattern and start to even question your behaviors and where this idea is coming from before you kind of try to go into that spiral.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: So let's dive some deeper.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening in the nervous system as the attachment styles operate in adult life?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: And let's start underline this.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: When a person is experiencing the safety of secure attachment in relationships, there is no over arousal of the sympathetic nervous system.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's okay, you're humming along, there's a flexible balance of stimulation, vitality, regulation, calm and ease, you're good to go.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: When there's insecure attachment, either avoidant, either type, or the angst attachment style, there is arousal of your sympathetic, but you never get out of it.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so your brain prepares for fight or flight.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, in avoidant attachment, you cope with avoidance, withdrawal, minimizing, um, overregulating the body in terms of like any signals that might come through, you kind of shut it down.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: There is a fight from feelings and people.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, fight or flight, avoidant, you flight.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's a shutting down of your core effect as well as like devaluing the importance of relationships, right?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because you may be very well functioning in the outside world, but very clueless about interpersonal reactions, even in your own inner world.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, in anxious attachment style, and like we're gonna start underline this again.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: In anxious attachment, the sympathetic nervous system is overstimulated and under-regulated.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Overstimulated, under-regulated.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so the person can feel very flooded with stress, fears of abandonment, panic, and not being able to self-regulate enough and not enough calming of the parasympathetic nervous system, right?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: So there's fight, and then you where are you?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Do you love me?
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Blah, blah, blah.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And like you engage in semi-toxic behaviors in order to try to bring that down to give you some sort of sense of calm.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: But remember, you're searching for that outside.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're searching for that regulation in someone else.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, in the disorganized avoidant attachment, there's fright without solution, which is the sense of danger or life threat in the essentially the fight-flight response in your amygdala collapses and only your brainstem is operating.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so the parasympathetic system overregulates to try to make up for the fact that, you know, there's fright without a solution in place for you.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that this broke down for you the different attachment styles and how you can start to identify where they are in your life and how you are responding to life in your relationships based on this.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think everyone should understand their attachment style to a deep degree.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also very useful to understand even your partner's attachment style, even if they're not willing to do the work or you know they're not interested in this kind of stuff.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Just being aware of like what you think there is is going to be very helpful for you.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what I also want to say is that if you are an anxious attachment style and you think you're with an avoidant, ooh, I mean, definitely come to the attached masterclass, but I also want to say it's going to be especially challenging for you because anytime you feel unsafe with love, you move forward, right?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: You do you love me?
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: And like you seek love and that only pushes them away.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: So then they pull away and that makes you more anxious.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you get really stuck in this vicious cycle, and it's can be hard to really regulate your nervous system in that dynamic.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that's also what I want to say.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like you are attracting in avoidance, because as a recovered anxious attachment style, you tend to manifest in avoidance when you're not healed and it only kind of perpetuates the cycle.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: So that's also what I want to add to that is that if you are anxious, I mean, you definitely obviously want to be with someone who's a secure attachment style, but if you're anxious attachment and you're with someone who's an anxious attachment, it tends to work a lot better than if you were in an anxious attachment with an avoidant, right?
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're both just, I mean, it's kind of trauma bonded and you're anxious together and it's like feeding and you're both constantly searching external for validation, and that still needs to get healed, but it's going to be you're both just constantly reassuring each other.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: So with that being said, definitely come to the attached masterclass if any of this resonated for you.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: We are going to be doing some somatic healing in order to get to the root of your attachment style.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: And essentially, you're going to be able to identify your triggers in a relationship.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you're going to be able to know what to do, which honestly is very empowering because once you're aware, you're like, oh, okay, I know why this is coming up.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: You don't feel as crazy anymore, and you don't feel like you're overanalyzing or spiraling.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, when you know the strategies to then implement to give that little girl safety that she needs to heal her attachment style, you're going to feel a lot more at ease and more light because of this.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's not going to feel as much of a roller coaster for your nervous system so that we can actually start getting you regulated.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, you know how much lighter you feel when you actually free that stored energy in your nervous system.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because the thing is that there is a little girl in there who does not have a secure attachment style who's holding that fear and that emotion in her body until you let it go.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: As we know, it's gonna prime your amygdala to look for danger, right?
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's just gonna feel so much lighter afterwards after we do this little.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it's gonna be a few exercises, after we do this somatic healing.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: So definitely come.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, when you heal your attachment style, you definitely become an energetic match for your dream relationship, right?
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I say relationship knowing that you can always like change the dynamic of a current relationship, um, depending on the person and whether they want to also heal and grow together.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I always say like dream relationship versus partner because you can always change the relationship that you are in by doing some healing, and also because if you don't heal your attachment style in this relationship, you would just bring it to a new one.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: So you might as well hear it, heal your attachment style, right?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: With that being said, if you have any questions about attachment style, I'm here.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a DM on Instagram or maybe I can do another little mini sewed if there's a lot of the same questions.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: But with that being said, I love you guys so much.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you learned something from this.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you did, I'd love to hear what you learned.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Share this with friends who you know want to know their attachment style.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Send this to your friends, send this to your partner, even have them listen to it like in the car, just see see maybe what attachment style he or she is.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, we will see you guys in the masterclass.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, with that being said, I will see you guys in the next episode.