Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #55: Emotional Intelligence and Failure to Launch | Helping Your Adult Child Improve Communication & Develop Emotional Maturity

Transcript

#55: Emotional Intelligence and Failure to Launch | Helping Your Adult Child Improve Communication & Develop Emotional Maturity · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know those moments when you approach your adult child and it's glaringly obvious that something is wrong?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: They've got a scowl on their face, their body is slouchy, they're quieter than usual.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And since you're their parent, you can read that mood from a mile away.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you ask the most natural question any parent would, which is, you know, some variation of, hey, are you okay?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Something bothering you?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've even asked, did you sleep well?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And their response ranges from a mutter to a nothing, or the worst is, can you stop?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you literally just ask them a question and you're left standing there thinking, what just happened?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: How can such a simple question be such a trigger?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, most parents would take offense to that type of disrespectful, dismissive rudeness.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard not to.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: But what's really happening in that moment is emotional immaturity or overwhelm.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: They feel something, but the emotions are bigger than the skills they have to handle it.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Their brain shifts into a sort of stress response, triggered by your question.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: They can't name what they're feeling.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what's worse, they don't believe that talking about it will make them feel better.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the quickest way for them to get relief is to shut the conversation down because they don't have the emotional capacity to work through it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: If this sounds like something you frequently experience, then stick around.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, a podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to launch into adulthood.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And just so I'm clear, I'm not talking about all adult children.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's a big difference between an adult child who can't launch and one who won't.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this podcast is geared towards young adults who can live productive, responsible, and purposeful lives.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: They're just choosing to be entirely dependent.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And for things to change, you need to step in with a completely new perspective and approach, which is what I hope to bring to you with each episode and with my course, The Journey to Independence.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Registration is now open, so if you're curious, the link is in the show notes.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is about emotional intelligence and why it plays such a powerful role in your adult child's ability to communicate their feelings, cope with stress, take responsibility, and move forward in their life.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Many people have heard of emotional intelligence, but if asked to explain it, they might struggle.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: No worries, by the end of this episode, you'll understand exactly what it is, how to recognize the signs in your adult, and what you can do to manage it for yourself and for them.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: First, a simple explanation.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient or EQ, is the ability to recognize, understand, and make sense of our emotions so we can handle ourselves in a way that keeps us steady and in control rather than letting our emotions take over.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's also having the capacity to understand what someone else is experiencing and then responding in a way that strengthens that connection instead of shutting it down.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Researchers, Peter Silovi and John Mayer, were the first to study it, and later Daniel Goleman popularized it when he showed that emotional intelligence is one of the biggest predictors of how well we handle stress, communicate with people, and recover when life gets hard.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Here are some signs that your adult child may be struggling with low emotional intelligence.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: They have difficulty handling stress or frustration, they shut down when they feel pressured, they become defensive or angry very quickly, they avoid difficult questions, they struggle to read social cues, they blame others instead of taking responsibility, they disconnect from people or activities, they overreact to everyday challenges, and they have trouble following through because even simple tasks feel emotionally overwhelming.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when they withdraw, isolate, or hide in their room, it is rarely laziness or lack of motivation.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's because that is all they can manage.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Learning about emotional intelligence is so important when you're parenting a struggling adult.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that it plays a huge role in their motivation, resilience, communication, and decision making.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: When young adults can't manage their emotions, they remain stuck and easily overwhelmed by the pressures of adulthood.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But working together and helping them to strengthen their emotional intelligence gives them the tools they need to become confident and independent.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And once you understand emotional intelligence, you'll see your adult child's behavior through a very different lens.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: For example, when they get overwhelmed by small things and react impulsively, withdraw or become defensive, they are not consciously choosing those reactions.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: They are experiencing emotions they can't name and don't know how to regulate.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, a young adult with higher emotional intelligence can usually identify what they're feeling and they can stay calmer under pressure, they think more clearly during stressful situations, they communicate without escalating, and they recover faster after disappointment.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're also able to read social cues and they understand how their behavior impacts others.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the good news those are all skills, not personality traits, which means they can be learned.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, you might be wondering how this happened to your adult child.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, research shows that it is shaped by both nature and nurture.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Some kids are just born with a temperament that is more sensitive or reactive, and they just take longer to recover.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Those biological traits can influence how they learn emotional skills.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: But the environment plays a much bigger role.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's the nurturing part.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Children learn by watching how the adults around them manage their own emotions, how consistent or chaotic the home feels, how anxious or stable their parents are, and how safe it is for them to express themselves.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: For example, when their environment is unpredictable, or when a parent rescues too quickly, these children get fewer opportunities to develop their own emotional capacity.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's such an important distinction, and I want parents to think about that.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about blame.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: It never is.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is about understanding where emotional skills come from and why some young adults reach adulthood with a shortage of them.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: But thankfully, emotional intelligence does not stop developing in childhood.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: It grows throughout a person's life when they face real-world challenges that require them to cope, communicate, and problem solve.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It also strengthens through social experiences where they learn to read cues, manage conflict, and understand other people's perspectives.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it develops when someone consciously decides to pay attention to their emotions, to reflect on their reactions, and to practice better ways of responding.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that young adults who are spending most of their time isolated or online miss out on the emotional practice that comes from real social interactions.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when they already feel anxious or overwhelmed, they often avoid the very situations that would help them grow.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: But again, emotional intelligence is not fixed.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It can improve at any age.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And the skills that they did not build earlier in life can still be learned now, which makes emotional intelligence such a hopeful area for change.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into a few research-backed, actionable steps that you can start using right away that will help you as well as your adults.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: When adults struggle with low emotional intelligence, they have difficulty making sense of their own emotional reactions.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Research on emotional literacy shows that when someone is asked a direct question, like, why did you do that?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or where are you going?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or what's your plan today?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Their brain experiences it as intrusive, almost like a threat, which increases their defensiveness and shuts down their ability to respond logically.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So what we hear is an emotional response that seems completely inappropriate.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So what can you say instead?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sometimes it's the words you choose, but more often it's the tone you use.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So next time you want to ask them a question, take a moment, pause, breathe, and soften your entire approach.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Remove any urgency or judgment from your voice.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: What I find works well is not to start with a question at all.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Begin by talking about yourself.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Mention what your plans are, what you did today, what you feel like eating.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Then add, and what about you?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: You snuck the question in the end.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can even sandwich it in the middle, but it will throw them off because it's so unexpected and disarming.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Their guard was down.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't start off with the usual probing question.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, you calmly talked about yourself or your plans, and the focus was not on them.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so their emotional brain wasn't triggered.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is why direct questions often backfire.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Their brain interprets that as pressure, expectation, even interrogation.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: But when you take the spotlight off of them, you will keep them engaged longer in conversation.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: This also explains why co-regulation is so important.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your emotional tone has a powerful effect on your adult child's nervous system.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: When you stay steady, calm, and grounded, they take their emotional cues from you.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when your tone is tense, frustrated, even anxious, their brain picks that up instantly and their emotional intensity rises.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Co-regulation is simply you keeping the temperature so low that they can borrow your steadiness and mirror your calm until they have enough emotional intelligence to create their own.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is backed by years of research that when one person in a conversation stays even tempered, the other person's emotional reactivity decreases.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Regulating yourself, working on your own emotional intelligence is such an important part of keeping your adults' emotions from escalating.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if they didn't learn this from you when they were younger, it is not too late to teach them now while they're still living with you.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to another very powerful tool for improving emotional intelligence.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it works really well for us as parents.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: You might have even heard of it because it's becoming a fairly popular expression.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you can name it, you can tame it.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: When you can identify the emotion that you are feeling, it activates the thinking part of your brain, which is called the prefrontal cortex.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's the area that's responsible for reasoning, decision making, and self-control.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Once that area is triggered, the emotional part on our brain, which is called the amygdala, deactivates or decreases.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it's actually quite simple.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Naming an emotion helps a person move from their emotional state into a calmer, more thoughtful one.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's why therapists often ask, and how does that make you feel?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's a strategic question.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: They are guiding you to identify the emotion because, again, naming what you feel shifts the brain from its emotional center to the area that helps you think more clearly.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I find this practice to be very helpful because so often we experience our own emotional reactions to our adults.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: So when we can identify in words what we're feeling, the intensity will always decrease.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we can then gain more control over how we respond.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Try this the next time you're being overly emotional or triggered, but name the feeling.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Literally say it out loud that this is making me feel uncomfortable or sad or scared.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you can name it, you can tame it.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And before I move on, I do want to credit Dr.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Matthew Lieberman at UCLA for doing so much work on this concept.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're coming to the end, and I hope that with a better understanding of emotional intelligence, everything about your adult child's behavior will make more sense.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: You stop thinking they're lazy or unmotivated and realize they're overwhelmed or underequipped and struggling with emotions they were never taught to manage.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to avoid life.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're operating with an emotional system that hasn't caught up to the demands of adulthood yet.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: When you see it that way, you will finally understand that growth is possible and that you can play a meaningful role in helping them move forward.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here are the changes that you will begin to notice.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Their reactions will no longer feel personal.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: There will be less outbursts and shutdowns or defensiveness.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: The atmosphere in your home will shift.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Conversations will feel lighter, conflicts will lose their intensity.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship will become a safer place for them.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they will finally begin to develop the emotional maturity to start growing into the person they are capable of becoming.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that emotional intelligence can improve over time and is something we must all continue to work on.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can develop it in yourself, and you can help your adult child too.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the more emotionally capable they become, the more confident, responsible, and independent they will be.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to learn how to strengthen your adult child's emotional skills, communicate more effectively, rebuild your connection, encourage them to become capable, responsible adults who are confident and independent, registration for my parenting course is now open.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the course, I teach you the strategies to help your young adult begin taking real steps towards building a life that they can be proud of.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for your adult child to have a fuller, richer life, it would be my pleasure to support you on that journey.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated with you, remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And please share it with someone who needs to hear it.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for listening.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.