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S3E31 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Relational Struggles (When Kids Have Trouble Connecting) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion series,
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  and we've been talking through the common
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  issues.
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  That we see in therapy,
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  the most 7 consistent issues.
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  And so today we're talking through relational issues.
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  And often
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  when parents come and meet with us,
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  They find that their child is really struggling socially or relationally.
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  And I'd like to dive into that a little bit.
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  So,
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  we've covered,
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  I think,
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  5 so far.
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  And so,
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  the next week will be our last of the most common
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  issues that are presented in CCPT.
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  But I think it's really important that we understand
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  that
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  kids are working to be
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  social and relational beings.
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  That's a part of childhood.
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  And so,
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  it's common that that can be
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  at the heart of struggles,
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  and I'd like to help you understand what goes on related to
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  CCPT and in the playroom so that the child can conquer that.
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  So let's dive into that a little bit.
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  I think that when we understand
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  that children's social
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  network,
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  is a part of their development.
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  I think it makes more sense when we see that kids are struggling relationally.
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  One of the most common things that parents will say to us is
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  they just don't really have any friends
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  or
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  kids don't really seem to like them.
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  They don't really seem to connect with other kids.
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  They don't get along with other kids.
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  They tend to
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  fill in the blank verb.
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  So,
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  they tend to
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  boss,
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  they tend to withdraw.
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  They tend to
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  want control.
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  They,
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  so there's kind of like this verb that is representative of a disconnect socially.
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  And this can be with siblings and or unrelated
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  children.
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  But what that indicates almost always is that
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  the child does not really have an identity.
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  The child does not really have a self-concept.
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  And the way that I like to describe this
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  is if a child does not know who he or she is.
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  So if your child is in a place where I don't really know my identity,
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  I'm not really exactly sure
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  who I am and
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  how I feel about who I am because I'm not even sure.
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  There's a lot of
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  lack of clarity there.
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  When that exists,
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  it's very hard for other children.
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  To relate
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  because
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  we're wired as humans
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  to have an expectation of category.
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  In other words,
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  when we
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  are out and about in the world,
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  our brain is naturally trying to make sense of
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  and have order
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  and categorize what
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  is going on.
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  We do this with people as well.
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  So,
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  you meet someone,
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  you hang around someone,
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  and your brain naturally categorizes them.
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  And it's usually in a favorable or less than favorable way.
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  So,
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  if you meet someone and you really enjoy their company,
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  you might say,
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  Oh,
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  they're really kind,
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  or they're really funny,
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  or
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  it makes me laugh when I'm around them,
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  or
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  they're so smart.
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  Whatever the adjective might be.
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  Likewise,
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  if you are around someone and you don't particularly enjoy their company,
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  you're going to say more negative categories like,
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  I don't know,
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  they're just kind of strange or we just don't really click,
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  or they seem a little bit
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  aggressive,
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  or they're kind of
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  in a bad mood.
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  OK,
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  so our brain is naturally trying to make sense
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  of our relationships and our interactions.
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  So now let's go back to children.
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  You have a child that does not know who he or she is.
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  They are almost always then
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  trying to figure out
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  on the fly
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  who they may want to be.
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  So
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  Let me see if I can just be funny today.
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  Let me see if I can be the athletic one today.
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  Let me see if I can be the goofball today.
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  Let me see if I can be the smart kid today.
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  Let me see if I can be the quiet kid today.
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  When you don't have a sense of identity,
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  you're trying to
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  figure out who you are.
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  That's really difficult
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  for your peers
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  to relate to.
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  Because
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  if today you're funny,
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  tomorrow you're the athlete,
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  the next day you're the
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  musician,
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  the day after that,
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  you're the smart kid,
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  the day after that,
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  you're the withdrawn kid,
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  the day after that,
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  you're the upset kid,
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  you're.
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  Then kids are like,
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  wait a minute,
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  I don't know who you are,
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  because
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  the child,
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  him or herself doesn't know who they are.
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  Therefore,
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  there's a divide.
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  And it causes distance and division in forming relationships.
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  Now,
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  there's another component to relational issues that
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  I think is also relevant to consider
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  because you might be going,
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  well,
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  that's not really my kid.
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  I think my kid does kind of know who they are.
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  They just don't really have a personality that's easy to get along with.
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  OK,
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  so then in that case,
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  it's lack of self-awareness.
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  And maladaptive behaviors.
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  If kids are behaving in ways that other kids don't like.
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  And that is a consistent identity.
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  The kid's just always bossy.
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  The kid is always crying.
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  The kid is always aggressive.
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  The kid is always standoffish.
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  If that's the case,
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  it's maladaptive,
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  and it's just
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  not an easy trait
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  for people to enjoy.
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  Hanging out with you
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  In either scenario.
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  Kids know that
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  they're stuck.
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  They know that they need to work on that,
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  and they will
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  in child-centered play therapy.
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  So,
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  what happens is they come into the playroom
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  and
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  they
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  enter into a relationship with us,
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  the CCPT.
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  As
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  someone who unconditionally accepts them,
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  unconditionally loves them.
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  And gives them the power to choose what they need to work on and when and how.
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  So,
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  as we've talked about before,
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  we have the relationship and the environment that are
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  conducive to becoming a better version of themselves.
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  Therefore,
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  kid comes in
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  and says,
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  wow,
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  Miss Brenna just likes me no matter what.
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  I can be aggressive one minute,
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  I can be sad one minute,
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  I can be
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  power hungry the next minute.
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  I can be funny the next minute,
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  and she just doesn't care.
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  She just likes me no matter what.
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  All right,
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  so pressure's off.
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  There's no expectations now.
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  They don't have to try to be something.
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  They can actually spend the bandwidth and the energy
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  trying to figure out who they actually want to be,
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  because,
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  as we've talked about before,
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  if their ideal self
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  is too far away from their actual self,
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  it's really hard for them to bridge that gap.
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  And so in the playroom,
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  they know that their ideal self is different than who they are,
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  but often they don't know how to get there.
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  Until they're in the relationship with us in the playroom.
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  So they come in every week.
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  They're able to do what they need to do.
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  And they have the environment and the relationship.
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  And here's what happens.
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  Child
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  behaves in all the ways they would behave in other social interactions.
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  Some days they're this,
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  some days they're that,
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  some days they're kind,
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  some days they're angry,
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  some days they're aggressive,
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  some days they're passive,
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  and they're all over the map.
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  And they start to realize,
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  I don't like this.
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  I don't like this either.
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  I don't like this.
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  This person unconditionally loves me no matter what,
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  and I'm not always nice to them.
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  This person unconditionally loves me no matter what,
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  and I don't always treat them fairly.
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  This person loves me and accepts me no matter what,
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  and I know that sometimes I am just mean
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  and I just don't feel good about this.
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  And they start to realize
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  through conditioning.
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  How to behave in more regulated,
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  calm,
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  and socially appropriate ways.
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  Kids stay stuck when they don't have alternatives.
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  And they actually discover their own alternatives in the relationship with us
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  because what they're finding is
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  no one's forcing me
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  to be nice.
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  No one's forcing me to be gentle,
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  no one's forcing me to control myself.
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  No one's forcing me
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  to be smart.
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  They just choose to work on developing those
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  things because they know that they need to.
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  There's no pressure.
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  Kids are going to resist
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  being told what to do.
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  Humans resist being told what to do.
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  It's not,
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  it's not universal.
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  I mean,
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  it's not unique to kids,
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  it's universal.
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  Every single human being
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  does not like being told what to do.
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  If you decide to do something on your own,
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  that's different.
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  If you just wake up one day and say,
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  I'm going to exercise 5 days a week moving forward,
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  if you make that decision on your own,
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  you're so much more likely to adhere to that
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  than if someone
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  tells you when you wake up one morning,
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  you're gonna start exercising 5 days a week whether you like it or not.
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  You'd be like,
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  go take a jump.
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  What are you talking about?
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  All right,
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  so,
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  This is universal pattern of behavior.
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  Kids don't like being forced to do anything,
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  and that's the beauty of the relationship and the environment
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  for child-centered play therapy.
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  There's no pressure and expectation,
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  so they naturally go,
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  No,
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  I don't want to be like that anymore.
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  I,
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  I don't,
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  I don't want to act like that.
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  I don't want to treat people like that.
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  I don't want to talk like that.
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  I don't want that to be my personality.
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  And they figure out who they are because of who they want to be.
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  And then over time,
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  they start to have an identity.
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  They have a self-concept.
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  They have a sense of who they are.
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  And then other kids start to get it.
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  Like,
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  oh,
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  you're always
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  this now.
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  Oh,
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  you know who you are.
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  You like yourself,
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  you accept yourself.
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  I can like and accept you too.
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  So that's kind of the really fun nature of identity development
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  through child-centered play therapy.
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  They're able to figure out who they want to be and they work to become that.
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  And it's because of the environment and the relationship
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  and the freedom to figure that out
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  because again,
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  they,
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  they don't want to be told,
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  but they will get there on their own at their pace
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  in their way.
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  If given the relationship and the environment.
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  So I hope that that helps you understand how relational issues are addressed.
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  And maybe you are
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  hearing this going,
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  well,
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  I mean,
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  I'm not working with a play therapist,
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  but I totally see that my child has some relational issues.
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  I hope that that gave you some insight and
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  perspective about how to facilitate that a little bit
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  and watch that process unfold.
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  So I appreciate y'all.
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  Thanks for hanging out with me each week.
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  Happy March,
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  by the way.
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  Crazy,
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  we're in the 3rd month of the year already.
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  And I had my birthday this weekend and we were able to do
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  some fun things with my family and went to a concert and stuff.
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  So,
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  I'm always thrilled when March comes around
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  because that's right after my birthday.
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  And for us,
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  it's a beautiful time in Florida.
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  The weather's lovely in March,
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  so
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  we're enjoying the 3rd month.
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  I hope that you are too.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  I love y'all.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.