Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: So let's talk about a boss who plays favorites. It's one of those workplace dynamics that everyone can spot, but almost nobody calls out directly — because doing so makes you look petty or jealous. Luna: Right. And the tricky part is, some degree of differentiation is natural. A manager is going to have stronger rapport with certain people. But when it becomes systematic and unfair, it's a real problem. Lucas: Exactly. There's a difference between a boss who gives the high-visibility project to the person with the most relevant experience, and one who gives it to their golf buddy regardless of who's best suited. The latter is favoritism, and it's corrosive. Luna: Corrosive to the team's trust, to morale, and ultimately to the work itself. People stop giving their best if they believe the reward system is rigged. Lucas: I want to ground this in something specific. There's a mid-size tech company — let's call it NovaTech — where the engineering director, a guy named Mark, had a clear favorite. He'd give the most interesting, career-advancing projects to one engineer, Sarah. She was competent, sure, but not the strongest on the team. Other engineers with deeper experience were consistently passed over. Luna: And what was Mark's rationale? Did he frame it in some plausible way? Lucas: He'd say things like 'Sarah has the bandwidth' or 'Sarah showed initiative.' But when you looked at the pattern, it was always Sarah. Another engineer, Raj, who had led three major launches, was given maintenance work and bug fixes for over a year. Raj started looking for other jobs. Luna: And that's the real cost. Favoritism drives out your best people. The Sarahs of the world might be happy, but the ones doing the heavy lifting feel invisible and undervalued. Lucas: So what do you do if you're in Raj's position? First, don't call it favoritism outright. That triggers defensiveness. Instead, start documenting disparities. Not in a 'gotcha' way — just for your own clarity. Track what assignments you've requested, what you've been given, and the stated reasons. Luna: That's smart. Because the pattern becomes undeniable when you see it on paper. A spreadsheet showing that over six months, the favorite got three stretch assignments while you got zero, despite asking — that's data. Lucas: And then you frame your request around business outcomes, not fairness. So instead of saying 'It's not fair that Sarah gets all the good projects,' you say 'I'd like to contribute to the new platform launch because my experience with similar migrations reduced downtime by 40 percent in the past. I believe I can add value there.' Luna: That's a hard skill — separating the emotional sting from the professional ask. But it's also your only real leverage, because it's hard for a manager to argue against 'I want to deliver results.' Lucas: Right. And if the manager still deflects, you start building a network of allies outside your direct reporting line. Cross-functional relationships with peers in product, marketing, or operations. People who see your work and can advocate for you when opportunities come up. Luna: That also makes you less dependent on one person's perception of you. If five people in other departments think you're great, that becomes a kind of portable reputation. Lucas: Exactly. And sometimes — and this is where it gets delicate — you may need to escalate. If the favoritism is tied to a protected characteristic like race, gender, or age, then it's legally actionable. But even if it's not, a pattern of unfairness that affects your career growth is worth raising with HR. Luna: But you have to be strategic. Going to HR with 'My boss likes Sarah more than me' will get you nowhere. Going with six months of documented assignment disparities and a clear record of being passed over despite better qualifications — that's a different conversation. Lucas: Yeah. HR's job is to protect the company from liability. If you show them a pattern that could lead to a lawsuit or a talent exodus, they'll pay attention. They might not fire the manager, but they could push for more structured assignment processes. Luna: And what about the flip side? What if you're the favorite? I think that's actually uncomfortable in its own way. Lucas: It is. Because you know the attention isn't entirely earned. You start to wonder: 'Am I actually good, or am I just the boss's pet?' And your colleagues' resentment is real. I've seen favorites get isolated or even sabotaged. Luna: So what do you do if you realize you're the golden child? Do you refuse assignments? Lucas: No, you don't refuse. But you become a bridge. You start redirecting credit and visibility to teammates. Say in a meeting: 'This project builds on the data infrastructure that Raj built — he's the expert on that piece.' You use your access to elevate others. It builds goodwill and actually makes you a better leader. Luna: That's a really practical move. And it helps defuse the resentment, because people see you're not hoarding the spotlight. Lucas: Exactly. And if you're the one being sidelined, one more thing: sometimes the best move is to leave. If the pattern is entrenched and the organization tolerates it, your energy is better spent finding a place where your work is valued on its merits. Luna: So the takeaway isn't just 'fight the system' — it's also knowing when the system isn't worth fighting. Lucas: Right. And I'll say this — if we've helped you think through a career move or decision like that, it's because listeners like you keep this show ad-free. A couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps it going. You can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: It really does make a difference. Every contribution helps us keep doing deep dives on these topics without any sponsor pressure. Lucas: So back to the NovaTech example. Raj ended up leaving after eight months of being sidelined. He joined a competitor and got a promotion within a year. The irony? His former boss, Mark, later tried to recruit him back. Luna: And did Raj go back? Lucas: No. And he told me — I know him — he said the trust was gone. Once you see that the reward system doesn't align with merit, you can't unsee it. And that's the real lesson: favoritism isn't just unfair. It's bad business. It drives away the people who could make the team great. Luna: And it forces the ones who stay to become either resentful or sycophantic. Neither is good for the work. Lucas: So the question we leave listeners with: if you're in a situation like that, what's one small step you can take this week? Maybe it's starting that log of assignments. Maybe it's reaching out to a colleague in another department for coffee. Or maybe it's updating your resume. Whatever it is, the first step is seeing the pattern clearly. Luna: And that clarity — knowing it's not you, it's the system — is powerful. It lets you act from strategy rather than hurt. Lucas: Exactly. Thanks for listening, everyone. We'll be back next week.