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Rerooting After Family Estrangement · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:03
  My name is Julie Nguyen and today I wanna share something that I personally have been dancing with the idea of radical acceptance and another layer of healing that has come through.
• 0:17
  There's a very specific kind of ache that happens when the people who were supposed to know you don't fully know you.
• 0:27
  When the people who were supposed to feel like home don't feel safe, and this is something that more people carry than we talk about.
• 0:37
  So many of us are quietly navigating distance within our families.
• 0:42
  Distance with our parents, distance with our siblings, distance with the people who share our story, but don't always share our present.
• 0:52
  And there can be so much shame around that because somewhere along the line we absorb the idea that family is supposed to be the place we land in, the place we feel supported, the place we feel understood, the place we feel chosen.
• 1:08
  But what happens when that isn't the reality?
• 1:12
  What happens when the people who are meant to mirror you don't see you?
• 1:18
  What happens when the people who are meant to guide you couldn't?
• 1:23
  What happens when the connection you long for, whether it's with parents or siblings, nieces, nephews, what happens when that just isn't available?
• 1:36
  There is grief.
• 1:38
  Real grief, a pain that is really hard to describe because belonging is not just emotional.
• 1:49
  Belonging is biological.
• 1:51
  So when there is estrangement within the family, of course it feels odd.
• 1:59
  Because belonging is biological, our nervous system is wired for connection, especially early connection.
• 2:07
  We are shaped inside relationship.
• 2:10
  We are formed inside relationship.
• 2:14
  We learn who we are through the eyes of others, and when those early relationships or the relationships within a family unit feel strained.
• 2:27
  Distant, inconsistent, not safe, painful.
• 2:34
  There can be this deep, deep internal question that follows, that's Where do I belong?
• 2:42
  Who am I?
• 2:44
  Who can I turn to?
• 2:46
  Where is my support system?
• 2:48
  And many of us don't even realize how much energy we spend trying to answer that question through the very people who may not be able to answer it for us.
• 2:57
  And we keep hoping.
• 2:59
  We keep reaching, we keep praying, we keep trying to repair something that may not be repairable in the way we need or can imagine.
• 3:13
  And this is where something really tender begins to unfold because sometimes healing is not about fixing the relationship, and that is where I am now landing in the space of radical acceptance.
• 3:29
  I'm also learning how to release the role, the role within my family that I.
• 3:38
  Put on myself, maybe the one who is praying for peace or praying for healing or working on myself.
• 3:44
  So maybe massive amounts of healing amongst all of us can take place.
• 3:49
  But I'm learning that I have to release that expectation to release the hope that one day this person will finally become the person that I needed.
• 4:01
  And this is not easy, I spent all day yesterday crying.
• 4:06
  Releasing a certain hope or desire that things can be different.
• 4:12
  And really, again, being forced into breathing, accepting what is and what has always been.
• 4:23
  I have so many friends who are experiencing this as well, and.
• 4:28
  It's beautiful to have people that I can connect with when I am triggered or I have a day of sadness.
• 4:38
  and what I love is in the support we both can feel and land tenderly.
• 4:46
  That there's a part of us that is yearning to be chosen by family that desires the sensation of what it feels like to be supported, that would love to know what it feels like to be understood or cared about or thought about, and.
• 5:05
  there's a part maybe that wants the estranged family member to say, like a heartfelt, I am sorry.
• 5:14
  When we're estranged from our family or parts of our family, we can feel that there's one less person in our corner and.
• 5:28
  We can begin to take on the question of, is something wrong with me?
• 5:33
  Am I too much?
• 5:35
  Am I too sensitive?
• 5:36
  Am I too emotional?
• 5:37
  Am I too complicated?
• 5:38
  Am I too needy?
• 5:40
  Am I different?
• 5:40
  But the truth is, sometimes people simply cannot meet us where we are.
• 5:45
  It's not because we are wrong or they are wrong, or we are bad, or they are bad.
• 5:50
  It's just our capacity for life and for love is different.
• 5:56
  Sometimes their way of surviving life required them to shut down in ways that makes connection difficult.
• 6:05
  At some point, we begin to understand that as painful as it can be, not all distance is rejection.
• 6:13
  Sometimes distance is limitation, and that realization can be heartbreaking, but it can also be freeing because when we stop trying to earn love from a place that cannot fully give it, when we stop yearning.
• 6:32
  For someone to love us the way we needed it and in many ways still need it, then the concept of rerooting comes in.
• 6:43
  Rerooting means choosing your life, choosing where you want to plant yourself in life, choosing where your belonging now comes from.
• 6:57
  If early belonging felt unstable, we may spend years trying to plant ourselves in the same soil, hoping that the people who we view can nourish our soil will one day fertilize, hoping that eventually they will nourish us.
• 7:17
  But a tree does not argue with soil that cannot support it.
• 7:21
  It grows new roots elsewhere.
• 7:24
  Rerooting is not about abandoning family.
• 7:28
  rerooting is about expanding our definition of family, and maybe family becomes the friend who listens.
• 7:37
  Maybe family becomes the community that you see.
• 7:41
  Maybe family becomes the partner.
• 7:43
  Who shows up consistently.
• 7:44
  Maybe family becomes the people who support your growth.
• 7:48
  Maybe family becomes the space where you can exhale.
• 7:51
  Maybe family becomes the life you are building now.
• 7:56
  And I am hearing that for myself that the family that I have built around me, they are the life that I get to build now.
• 8:08
  And there is grief There is sadness, there is anger, there is disappointment, and there can also be relief.
• 8:17
  Relief no longer forcing something that hurts.
• 8:20
  That's a big one.
• 8:22
  Relief in no longer chasing approval or repair when that's not gonna happen.
• 8:30
  Relief in no longer abandoning yourself or your life or your dreams in order to stay connected or stay connected to a prayer for healing, for reconnection, for you to receive something that you've never received in the first place.
• 8:48
  rerooting though is not giving up on love.
• 8:52
  Rerooting is choosing love.
• 8:55
  That can actually reach you.
• 8:59
  And something I wanna say, especially if you were someone who feels this ache, is that you are not alone.
• 9:08
  So many people are quietly navigating distance within their families estrangement, and it is painful and it is something that we don't always talk about or it's something that we don't acknowledge.
• 9:21
  There is nothing wrong with you.
• 9:23
  If your family relationships are complicated.
• 9:25
  It does not mean that you failed.
• 9:27
  It does not mean that you are broken.
• 9:29
  It does not mean that you are unlovable.
• 9:33
  Sometimes it means becoming more honest, more aware, more aligned with what feels true.
• 9:44
  Sometimes growth creates distance.
• 9:46
  Sometimes healing creates clarity and sometimes clarity changes relationships, and sometimes the most courageous thing that we can do is allow ourselves to grieve what we hoped would be.
• 10:00
  Rerooting means learning how to belong to yourself, Learning how to become the stable ground you have always been searching for, learning how to trust your own knowing, learning how to build connection that feels mutual and loving and supportive.
• 10:21
  Learning how to let love reach you in new ways.
• 10:25
  The one thing that I feel is the hardest is letting go of the fantasy so we can live inside reality.
• 10:37
  Radical acceptance in reality of what is and what has been ruptured.
• 10:45
  Can still hold love.
• 10:48
  You can experience real love.
• 10:51
  Healthy love, available love.
• 10:53
  Consistent love and love does not require you to prove your worth and love.
• 11:00
  That does not require you to abandon yourself and love that feels like exhaling.
• 11:09
  And I will say it is painful to be estranged from family to carry the pain of hurt that has been experienced within family.
• 11:21
  It is a wound that hopefully will turn into a scar, but something that may be there for the rest of your life, something that you'll always notice.
• 11:32
  There is no timeline for healing family wounds.
• 11:36
  There is no perfect way to move through it.
• 11:40
  There is only the slow honoring and connection for what is true for you and the willingness to plant yourself in spaces where growth.
• 11:54
  Love is possible to surround yourself with people who see you, who radically accept you, and who offer you the connection that you have always been searching for.
• 12:11
  You are allowed to create belonging in your life.
• 12:14
  You are allowed to build connection.
• 12:17
  You are allowed to feel supported, and you are allowed to choose environments that nourish you.
• 12:24
  You are allowed to grow new roots, and sometimes those roots grow stronger than the ones you started with.
• 12:33
  Thank you for being here.
• 12:36
  Thank you for being in this sometimes messy journey of life, and if you are in the space of wanting to grow deeper roots, check your soil and remember that it's okay to re-root so you can continue to build and bloom in a life that is so magically beautiful.
• 13:02
  And so lovingly yours till next time.