Latest / Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach and Donald / 2023: My Sex Therapist with Vanessa and Xander Marin

Transcript

2023: My Sex Therapist with Vanessa and Xander Marin · Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach and Donald

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about sex baby. You and me, do you
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: just talk about all the good things and the bad
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: things that may talk about?
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Come on, I want to read minds. Think alike, bro
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: bro bro. Literally before you came on the zoom call,
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: I said to these two, I had the perfect song
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: to start us off. I had queued that up. Your
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: zoom window opens and you go, let's talk about sex baby.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: You know what time it is.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: It's our favorite day of the year. Listener, Listen, we
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: have some caveats here. Yes, first, well, we do need
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: to tell the listener, can't we do? Yeah, they don't
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: want to. We'll cut this out, but they you, I'll
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: give him the warning.
• 0:58
  Speaker 4: Just you know, they don't talk about porn or sex addiction.
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: They're still doing research on those things, and so they
• 1:03
  Speaker 4: just don't feel quite yet.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Are you crossing on a loom? That is so funny?
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: All right, you have to we can keep this because
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: it's just too funny. Donald is now crossing out on
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: his list of questions. And the point in a second,
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: they don't want to talk about because they're still residing
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: and they don't feel like they have the expertise yet
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: to comment on those things, right, Joell, that's correct, Listen,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I was just flipping through their guides. They have these
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: very We're gonna have to shout them out because people
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: should buy these. They're kind of like they're the kind
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: of like instruction manuals for the vagina and the penis.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I was just perusing them. They're very informative.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: This already is making me uncomfortable, and I like it.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: That's gonna be great. We should We don't normally give warnings,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: but obviously we should state the obvious. I think if
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: you're someone who happens to listen to this with your
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: children in the in the car or something, you shouldn't.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: We're gonna talk about sex, baby, we're gonna talk to you.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: We're going to talk about all the good things, all
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: the bad things that maybe we're going to talk about
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: sex people, all right, So let's just.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so let's just definitely this definitely shouldn't be one
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: that you listen to with anybody warned them.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: We've warned them.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: I know we've warned them, Okay, But anyway, I was
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: just flipping through their guides Donald and there's beautiful drawings
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: and it's really informative. I was kind of At first
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: I was kind of like smiling, like laughing with them
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: about it, and then I was like, oh, I got
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: to try that because they have like all these techniques,
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: they have names on them, Like I.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: Want to ask, what's the best way to introduce a
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: thumb in the butt?
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Like, well, maybe like start off with that. Actually, don't
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: by the way, let me let me listen. I saw that.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Hold on, let me go back to that. Donald, don't
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: leave with that. I think we gotta much like much
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: like they advise in their guides to go take your
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: time with for play, I think we need to not
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: go right at Okay, So here's the four play Listen.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: Here's a little section. I'm gonna that's.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Another question I have. What is let me write that?
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: What can I? Can I read you something from? Can
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I read you something from the guide? Donald? This chapter
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: is called venture backdoor.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Shit, I'm already interested. I'm listening.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: The anus is still frustratingly taboo in our society, but
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: it has a lot of nerve endings and can feel
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: pleasurable for everyone. If you've never tried anal play before,
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: make sure to discuss it beforehand. It's not something to
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: spring on your partner in the moment. If your partner
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: is up for anal play, you'll need to use some lube.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: We think silicon lube works best in this instance. Here's
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: some simple techniques to try a just the tip. Put
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: a dab of lube on your pointer finger and press
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: your fingertip against the anus. So that's the kind of
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: information these folks have for us, And.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask questions like should you pooh before?
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: You can't playing? You can, but let's warm up to
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: that much like for play. Let's just I don't want
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: them to get scared of you.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: That's not a scary question. They're a therapist.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: I think you know the obvious that you should pooh
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: before and some.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: People, maybe our listeners out there, don't know that, Zach.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe they're thinking we're just going to be to get in.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: There with with a washcloth and just dig in there
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: and see to the booty hole.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I think the question this is a question we.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Want to write it down on your on your list.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Do you use a wash cloth on your ask?
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: By the way, this whole podcast started with a debate
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: about whether to use a washcloth in the shower. But
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: I think that to circle back around from episode one
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: oh one or something. Uh that. Yes, before you engage
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: in this kind of stuff, you should dig in there
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: with a wash cloth. We don't need we don't need
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: the sex therapist's advice on that. All right, So Donald,
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: I just want to prepare. This is like when we
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: met Travolta and I said, don't go right in and
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: bum rusham, and then you're asking about face off within
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: two second. Let's not go right at the your dirty questions.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: We're gonna ease them in with some nice, calm questions.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: But dirty questions are allowed.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Joe, we'll build that. Yes, we'll build that. Don't bring
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: up gross stuff. No one wants here, doesn't There's.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Nothing gross about it if you're into it.
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: Bro, they said, they're very comfortable and open.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Okay, good let them in the room. Please. Well, Donald,
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: count us stories show. We made about a bunch.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Of he said, he's the stories.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, all right, Joell, we're two race horses
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: at the gate. We have so many questions. Daniel, maybe
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: put a sound effect of that of that thing that
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: that that sounds when the when the horses are let
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: free from the majiggy, You know what I mean? All right,
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: let them.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Let them up, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Xander.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: What's up, guys. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: I'm very loud and excited, but please introduce yourselves to us.
• 6:24
  Speaker 5: We're so excited to be here. So we're Vanessa and
• 6:27
  Speaker 5: Xander Marin. I'm a licensed sex therapist.
• 6:30
  Speaker 6: I'm a regular dude who happens to be married to
• 6:32
  Speaker 6: a sex therapist. And we've been together sixteen years, married
• 6:35
  Speaker 6: twelve years, so you know, I got to work the
• 6:38
  Speaker 6: regular guys perspective that's also has a bit of experience
• 6:42
  Speaker 6: with you.
• 6:42
  Speaker 5: And so together we wrote a book, Sex Talks, The
• 6:45
  Speaker 5: Five Conversations that Will Transform Your Love Life, that came
• 6:47
  Speaker 5: out this year and was an instant New York Times bestseller.
• 6:50
  Speaker 5: And we really just focus on helping couples keep the
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: spark alive in their long term relationships, because I think
• 6:56
  Speaker 5: anybody who's been in the long term relationship knows you
• 7:00
  Speaker 5: have some ebbs and flows to it, right, like, it's
• 7:02
  Speaker 5: not always as exciting as it was at the beginning
• 7:04
  Speaker 5: of the relationship. So we're here to help people understand
• 7:07
  Speaker 5: why that happens and find that spark again.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: That's amazing. I'll just say the name of your book
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: slower because I think once we get talked and people
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: are going to really want to get this book. I
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: was looking through your I don't know, what do you
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: call the guides.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: That you put out pamphlets?
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: To me, Well, it's not a pamphlets there, I'm looking
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: at the four play Guides, okay, and it's like it's
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: an instruction manual. It's kind of like what you wish
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: someone taught you, but no one ever did exactly, So
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: tell us two things before we get.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: Into imagine being like introduced into sex with one of
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: these instruction manuals.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, it really would have helped. Also, what about it?
• 7:48
  Speaker 5: It would have helped?
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: What about it? In high school if you had like
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: a communications class that wasn't like that was really about
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: how to have proper arguments and debates with your partner?
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: I mean, no one ever teaches you that either. Can
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: you just sorry, plug both things? How do people get
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: a hold of those guides and your book before we
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: get into it.
• 8:07
  Speaker 5: So the book is called Sex Talks The Five Conversations
• 8:11
  Speaker 5: that Will Transform Your Love Life, And what that book
• 8:13
  Speaker 5: is all about is how to actually talk about sex?
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: With the person you are having sex with. So we
• 8:21
  Speaker 5: all have like heard that advice, Like, you know, you're
• 8:23
  Speaker 5: up late at night, you're googling your secret sex problems,
• 8:26
  Speaker 5: you're trying to find some answers, and it's at the
• 8:28
  Speaker 5: end of every article, like just talk about it with
• 8:30
  Speaker 5: your partners. Easier said than done, right, But it's such
• 8:33
  Speaker 5: generic advice. You're like, well, but what do I say?
• 8:36
  Speaker 5: And how do I say it? And these things are
• 8:38
  Speaker 5: embarrassing and tricky to talk about. So we took that
• 8:41
  Speaker 5: advice and we really made it super practical. So we
• 8:44
  Speaker 5: boiled it down into what are the five specific conversations
• 8:48
  Speaker 5: we think every couple would benefit from, and we walk
• 8:51
  Speaker 5: you through, like exactly how to have those conversations. So
• 8:55
  Speaker 5: it's not generic, it's really practical, straightforward, and we share
• 8:59
  Speaker 5: a lot of our own stories too, to like really
• 9:01
  Speaker 5: help normalize these conversations. We've learned all of our advice
• 9:05
  Speaker 5: from doing the exact opposite in our relationships, so we've
• 9:09
  Speaker 5: made a lot of mistakes, we've learned a lot of
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: great stuff, so we share all of that. So that's
• 9:13
  Speaker 5: Sex Talks, the book, and then the pamphlets, the guides
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: that you guys are referring to you know when it
• 9:22
  Speaker 5: comes to sex, Like we all want to be great
• 9:24
  Speaker 5: in bed, right, Like who doesn't want to be the
• 9:27
  Speaker 5: best their partner has ever had? But like you are saying, Zach,
• 9:31
  Speaker 5: like where do we learn about this? So definitely, yeah,
• 9:35
  Speaker 5: we have this like incredible pressure on ourselves to be
• 9:38
  Speaker 5: so good at it, but we've never actually learned how to.
• 9:41
  Speaker 5: And so again, like we're all about the practical. We
• 9:44
  Speaker 5: want to teach people things that like you feel like
• 9:46
  Speaker 5: you should already know, but you never really learned anywhere.
• 9:49
  Speaker 5: So we have a ton of guides, like we have
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: our Ultimate foreplay guides. We have a guide called Next
• 9:53
  Speaker 5: Level Intercourse where we show you again it's very step
• 9:57
  Speaker 5: by step like specific techniques, exactactly how to use your hands, exactly,
• 10:02
  Speaker 5: how to use your mouth the specific position, Like.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: So fucking helpful when I was younger.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: I I really I was just looking through it, and
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: you know, I really recommend them. First of all, how
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: do people get them?
• 10:18
  Speaker 5: The guys, they can go to our website. It's vmtherapy
• 10:21
  Speaker 5: dot com. So it's my initials V M, T H
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: E R A p Y dot com. So those are
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: two of our most popular. But we have a guide
• 10:29
  Speaker 5: about butt stuff. We have how to initiate sex, we
• 10:32
  Speaker 5: have sex.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: They want to go right.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: Away, it right away, dude, What does a good interviewer do?
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: They start slow and then they get to the butt stuff. Okay, okay,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: now I wanted to ask and anyway, I was just
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: looking through the guides and audience. You might think that
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: you're amazing in bed and you're like, you don't need instructions.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: There was some very interesting info in there, and it's funny.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: You know, we were joking, but no one ever teaches you.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Don't ever sits down and goes this is exactly what
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: you know people like, and of course it's unique to
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: each person, so people are afraid to have these conversations
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: directly with their partner. No one ever teaches you. So
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: I think it's a great service that you guys are
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: offering to sort of educate people in exploring what people
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: like and also talking about it.
• 11:20
  Speaker 5: Thank you. It's like there's no shame in this. I mean,
• 11:23
  Speaker 5: there's always something new to learn. Like we both feel
• 11:26
  Speaker 5: pretty damn confident with our technique at this point, but
• 11:29
  Speaker 5: like we're always learning new things and trying new things.
• 11:32
  Speaker 5: And there's no shame in that, Like there it's so
• 11:34
  Speaker 5: much fun to explore sex, like explore in the bedroom
• 11:37
  Speaker 5: with your partner. So we want to take that shame away.
• 11:39
  Speaker 5: We want to make people feel excited about gaining some
• 11:42
  Speaker 5: new skills.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: There are so many questions that I have.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: I think Donald's never done homework for an interview before,
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: but he's got a pad and a pen.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: The first one I think we should start off with
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: is what is for play?
• 11:56
  Speaker 5: So we actually hate the word for play.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: So what we're doing to me the interview play.
• 12:03
  Speaker 5: So typically when people are referring to foreplay, we're talking
• 12:06
  Speaker 5: about like using our hands and our mouths on each other,
• 12:09
  Speaker 5: like the stuff that we do to warm each other
• 12:11
  Speaker 5: up to get ready for the real thing, which in
• 12:15
  Speaker 5: male female couples most of us think of as intercourse.
• 12:18
  Speaker 5: And so even just that word foreplay, it makes it
• 12:21
  Speaker 5: sound like these are the things you do before the
• 12:23
  Speaker 5: main act, and so it feels like these acts are
• 12:26
  Speaker 5: like they're less important, and sometimes people almost get annoyed
• 12:30
  Speaker 5: with it, like, oh, we have to do more for play,
• 12:32
  Speaker 5: Like I just want to have the real deal, like
• 12:34
  Speaker 5: let's get to it. But the reality is that for
• 12:37
  Speaker 5: us women, You are way more likely to make us
• 12:42
  Speaker 5: orgasm from foreplay, from using your hands in your mouths
• 12:45
  Speaker 5: than you are from intercourse. So eighty five to ninety
• 12:48
  Speaker 5: percent of women cannot orgasm from intercourse alone, Like only
• 12:52
  Speaker 5: ten to fifteen percent of women pain. Yeah, so the
• 12:55
  Speaker 5: vast majority of women need that foreplay. So it's not
• 12:59
  Speaker 5: that these are like the annoying things that we have
• 13:01
  Speaker 5: to do in order to have the main event, Like
• 13:03
  Speaker 5: these things are the main event for women.
• 13:06
  Speaker 6: Yeah, But the problem with that terminology is that then
• 13:08
  Speaker 6: we get this idea in our head that oh, this
• 13:10
  Speaker 6: is this thing that we're just supposed to spend a
• 13:12
  Speaker 6: little bit of time on before. We also have that
• 13:14
  Speaker 6: whole like running the bases analogy, which also doesn't really
• 13:18
  Speaker 6: help because it's like, oh, well, why would I want
• 13:20
  Speaker 6: a double when I can have a home run? Right,
• 13:23
  Speaker 6: And so we get this idea that we should just
• 13:25
  Speaker 6: rush through that to get to the next thing, the intercourse,
• 13:29
  Speaker 6: when in reality, the intercourse can be very pleasurable, but
• 13:33
  Speaker 6: it's often not the most pleasurable act for one of
• 13:36
  Speaker 6: the people in the partnership. And so you know, we
• 13:39
  Speaker 6: think four place should be something that should be happening
• 13:42
  Speaker 6: throughout the whole experience, not just before.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, I agree with that one hundred percent.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: Sorry, Mom, I want to take your sweatshirt off. You
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: need to like pat down your forehead.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Getting hot in here.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: He's wearing his infamous Mickey Mouse hoodie and he's getting
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: all hot and bothered. So what do you think if
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: I know, this is probably a broad question, but when
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: a couple comes to you to ask questions and they've
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: been together a while, what are some of the most
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: common I know it's probably what your what your book
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: is about, but what are some of the most common
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: things that they say, Hey, we had a good sex life,
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: and we occasionally do have a good sex life, but
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: we've lost a little bit of the of the sizzle.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: What do you advise How do you advise them? What?
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: What are some of the most common conundrums people come
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: to you with.
• 14:30
  Speaker 5: The main thing that couples complain about is that their
• 14:33
  Speaker 5: sex life just doesn't feel exciting anymore. And they'll talk
• 14:36
  Speaker 5: a lot about the early days of the relationship, like, oh,
• 14:38
  Speaker 5: when we first met, we couldn't keep our hands off
• 14:41
  Speaker 5: of each other. We were having sex all the time.
• 14:43
  Speaker 5: It was really exciting, like very pleasurable. And then as
• 14:47
  Speaker 5: things go on, like the frequency slows down, the like
• 14:52
  Speaker 5: the window kind of narrows of what sex entails. So
• 14:55
  Speaker 5: a lot of couples are like, you know, they're not
• 14:57
  Speaker 5: actually even doing for play or anything exciting. It's just
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: like we get right to it. You can kind of
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: script out in two minutes, you know, like exactly what's
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: going to.
• 15:05
  Speaker 6: Happen one or two positions at best.
• 15:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and yeah, the sex itself just doesn't feel particularly
• 15:11
  Speaker 5: pleasurable or satisfying. In particular, there's a big orgasm gap
• 15:16
  Speaker 5: in male female relationships, so men are having a lot
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: more orgasms than women are having, and that can lead
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: to mismatches and desire too. So one of the things
• 15:26
  Speaker 5: that we call out in the book is the connection
• 15:28
  Speaker 5: between enjoyment and desire.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Can I give my wife really quick?
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Donald Style's going to go get his wife because this
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: is just some backstory. Listeners of the show will He's
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: going to yell for her because I love this, because
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: you want to get on. He's going to use his
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: free therapy just as a backstory that our listeners will know.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: Donald and his wife speak openly about a mismatch in desire.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: He has the libido of a eighteen year old boy
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: and his wife does not.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: It's pretty interesting.
• 16:06
  Speaker 5: Oh we're getting good, good grades already.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: She's scared, she said. Did you hear her say she's scared?
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: No? Oh my god, Come meet Casey. But wait, this
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: whole show is not going to be come about this way.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Daniel, Casey, come down. I don't know nothing about raising
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: these schools, so tell me what to do about raising
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: these kids. And that's what it is.
• 16:31
  Speaker 7: Hi, guys, you guys, this is Casey co Hi, guys.
• 16:34
  Speaker 5: Hi, I'm Vanessa.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: That's Vanessa Xander. They were just about to talk about
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: a mismatch how couples deal. It's very often a mixedmatch
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: in desire. And I was sharing with them that this
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: is something that Donald and Casey deal with, and maybe
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: you can give them some advice. They Donald would like
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: to have sex at least once a day, and Casey,
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: i think it's safe to say, does not agree with.
• 16:58
  Speaker 7: That I have sex one today.
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so maybe you could give them, Like I'm sure
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: this is a common problem with our listeners that are listening.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: Can you share some advice for them on how does
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: a couple get past this or deal with this.
• 17:09
  Speaker 7: Okay, first off, let me just say I was staring
• 17:11
  Speaker 7: at you because you're wearing the exact same thing I am,
• 17:14
  Speaker 7: and we look alike twinsies. I was staring at you,
• 17:18
  Speaker 7: and then I was like, oh wait, I'm over here.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not married to the white guy.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:30
  Speaker 5: Okay. So what we were starting to talk about is
• 17:32
  Speaker 5: one of the biggest causes for desire discrepancies in couples,
• 17:36
  Speaker 5: and this may not be the case for you guys.
• 17:38
  Speaker 5: There are a lot of reasons why we might have discrepancies,
• 17:40
  Speaker 5: but one of the most common ones that we see
• 17:42
  Speaker 5: is that it's actually a mismatch in the enjoyment that
• 17:46
  Speaker 5: the couple is having of sex. So there's a really
• 17:49
  Speaker 5: powerful connection between how much we enjoy sex and how
• 17:53
  Speaker 5: much we desire sex. So we're big foodies. I always
• 17:56
  Speaker 5: like to make food comparisons, like would you ever crave
• 18:01
  Speaker 5: a bowl of overly steamed mushy broccoli? Like, no, of
• 18:05
  Speaker 5: course not. It doesn't make sense to crave it, Like
• 18:07
  Speaker 5: most of us don't enjoy eating overly steamed mushy broccoli,
• 18:11
  Speaker 5: But we don't judge ourselves for like, why do I
• 18:14
  Speaker 5: never seem to want that, but a lot of us
• 18:16
  Speaker 5: are having sex that is kind of the equivalent of
• 18:19
  Speaker 5: overly steamed mushy broccoli. And then we beat ourselves up
• 18:22
  Speaker 5: wondering like why do I not want that? More? Especially
• 18:26
  Speaker 5: us women, we have this tendency to blame ourselves to
• 18:28
  Speaker 5: feel like something's wrong with us. But there's a huge
• 18:31
  Speaker 5: gap in how much men enjoy sex and how much
• 18:34
  Speaker 5: women enjoy sex. So again, may not be the reason
• 18:37
  Speaker 5: for you.
• 18:37
  Speaker 6: Guys.
• 18:37
  Speaker 5: I saw Donald's face when I said the mushy broccoli sex.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: Donald, you were DESCRIBINGSCI.
• 18:45
  Speaker 7: No, No, we have great sex. And I have to say,
• 18:48
  Speaker 7: but I think my my question, since we're being I'm
• 18:52
  Speaker 7: a foodie too, what do you do when you're just fool?
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: You know that analogy is perfect.
• 19:01
  Speaker 7: My thing is we have great sex, and I will
• 19:03
  Speaker 7: say our sex has gotten better as we've gotten older.
• 19:06
  Speaker 7: I will say that I'm one of those people. I'm
• 19:10
  Speaker 7: a very mental person. So when I have a lot
• 19:13
  Speaker 7: going on in my head, I'm kind of like, Okay,
• 19:17
  Speaker 7: I can designate this amount of time and space in
• 19:20
  Speaker 7: my brain to feel good and amazing with you and
• 19:23
  Speaker 7: love you. But then I got to get back onto
• 19:27
  Speaker 7: the fifty million other things I got going on as.
• 19:31
  Speaker 5: Far as yes. So let me tell you so the
• 19:34
  Speaker 5: main the two most common reasons that we see for
• 19:37
  Speaker 5: these desire discrepancies. One is the enjoyment piece that I
• 19:40
  Speaker 5: just mentioned. The other one is an emotional connection piece.
• 19:44
  Speaker 5: Like a lot of couples, especially in long term relationships,
• 19:47
  Speaker 5: life gets busy, we have a lot on our plate.
• 19:49
  Speaker 5: We're just not feeling emotionally connected with each other, and
• 19:53
  Speaker 5: so it can make it feel really challenging to want
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: to be intimate if you're not feeling that closeness or
• 19:59
  Speaker 5: even if you you guys have been arguing, you're feeling resemful.
• 20:02
  Speaker 5: So those are the two most common ones. But what
• 20:05
  Speaker 5: you're speaking to is kind of like a third one
• 20:07
  Speaker 5: that is also quite common as well, of just the like,
• 20:10
  Speaker 5: I've got so much in my head that it feels
• 20:12
  Speaker 5: like there's not any space for desire. Does that feel
• 20:16
  Speaker 5: like it's just accurate?
• 20:17
  Speaker 7: Yeah, And I don't want to say this is why
• 20:19
  Speaker 7: I didn't really want to come on, because sometimes I
• 20:22
  Speaker 7: feel like I'm misunderstood in our house.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: Have I know? I know?
• 20:27
  Speaker 7: And so it's one of those things where we'll have,
• 20:30
  Speaker 7: you know, we'll have amazing sex, and then I'll be like, oh, wow,
• 20:33
  Speaker 7: that was really great, and then twenty minutes later he's
• 20:36
  Speaker 7: like that was so good, we should do it again,
• 20:38
  Speaker 7: and I'm like, babe, I gotta get on.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: I gotta get on with it.
• 20:42
  Speaker 7: But that not only that, it's also when you say
• 20:45
  Speaker 7: the emotional disconnect, it's really hard to like, if we've
• 20:50
  Speaker 7: been not fighting, we don't really have big fights, but
• 20:53
  Speaker 7: I get real pissed off when shit's not done around
• 20:57
  Speaker 7: the house, or if I've done a bunch of shit
• 21:00
  Speaker 7: it and I come home from taking the kids to
• 21:02
  Speaker 7: school something that he has not done, you know, And
• 21:06
  Speaker 7: I come home and shit's everywhere, and I'm like, what
• 21:09
  Speaker 7: what just happened? But now you want me to all
• 21:12
  Speaker 7: of a sudden ride you like a queen. Like, no,
• 21:17
  Speaker 7: I don't feel.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: Like a queen.
• 21:18
  Speaker 5: I feel like I just got shit.
• 21:19
  Speaker 7: On and now it feels like a chore that you're
• 21:21
  Speaker 7: making me another chore that I'm having to do.
• 21:25
  Speaker 5: Exactly this is super common. So you're talking about mental load,
• 21:29
  Speaker 5: which in male female relationships, studies have shown that women
• 21:32
  Speaker 5: carry the vast majority of mental load. It's like we're
• 21:35
  Speaker 5: always keeping track of you know, when do we need
• 21:38
  Speaker 5: to go grocery shopping? And I've got to pick up
• 21:40
  Speaker 5: the dry cleaning and are we out of this thing?
• 21:42
  Speaker 5: And I've got to reorder this thing and I've got
• 21:43
  Speaker 5: to make the appointment. It's like this endless list in
• 21:45
  Speaker 5: our heads that's always going, and the actual responsibilities piece
• 21:49
  Speaker 5: of it too, feeling like, hey, I'm running the house,
• 21:52
  Speaker 5: I'm taking care of the kids, I'm doing all the things,
• 21:54
  Speaker 5: and now sex is starting to feel like another thing
• 21:57
  Speaker 5: on this back miles long, endless to do list that
• 22:00
  Speaker 5: I have, and it takes the the feeling of like
• 22:03
  Speaker 5: intimacy and connection away from it, and it starts to
• 22:06
  Speaker 5: feel more like a transactional thing, like I've got to
• 22:08
  Speaker 5: check this off the list, just like I have to
• 22:10
  Speaker 5: check off on the grocery store.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: Totally.
• 22:13
  Speaker 7: Yeah, And I hate, Okay, I do that because when
• 22:16
  Speaker 7: we do have when we are connected and we do
• 22:18
  Speaker 7: have great sex, it's amazing. But you know that's that's
• 22:24
  Speaker 7: it's like a roller coaster. It comes in waves, you know.
• 22:27
  Speaker 7: I mean, I'm not I'm not saying I mean I
• 22:29
  Speaker 7: do like to think and I'm going to say that
• 22:32
  Speaker 7: because sometimes I think these listeners think that I don't
• 22:34
  Speaker 7: be having enough sex. But I have a lot of sex,
• 22:38
  Speaker 7: like more than any married woman.
• 22:39
  Speaker 5: I know.
• 22:40
  Speaker 7: I am really going to bat over here, so you're
• 22:43
  Speaker 7: a generous partner. I'm sorry it's still not enough, and
• 22:50
  Speaker 7: I don't I don't want to ever feel like i'm
• 22:53
  Speaker 7: not because I am an overachiever when it comes to
• 22:56
  Speaker 7: getting my shit done.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: You know, let's take a break.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: We'll be right back after these fine words.
• 23:04
  Speaker 5: For you, Casey, I want to ask you. You said
• 23:10
  Speaker 5: a minute ago, like you guys will have amazing sex.
• 23:13
  Speaker 5: You're feeling super connected. It feels really good. And then
• 23:16
  Speaker 5: he says we should do it again. And the way
• 23:19
  Speaker 5: that you described it, it felt like you kind of
• 23:21
  Speaker 5: like deflated in that moment, Like, oh, so I'm curious, Like,
• 23:24
  Speaker 5: tell me what happens for you when you're like you're
• 23:26
  Speaker 5: riding this high. Everything's been great, and he says we
• 23:28
  Speaker 5: should do it again, Like what's that deflation that happens
• 23:31
  Speaker 5: for you? It wasn't enough?
• 23:33
  Speaker 7: Like yeah, exactly, it just wasn't enough, Like the constant
• 23:36
  Speaker 7: feeling I feel all day, like not so much just
• 23:39
  Speaker 7: from him. It's just it wasn't enough. So it's just more.
• 23:42
  Speaker 7: It's just more and everything, And when I think of more,
• 23:45
  Speaker 7: it goes into back what you're saying, the mental load
• 23:49
  Speaker 7: of he's not satisfied, So I can't check that off
• 23:53
  Speaker 7: my list because he's not.
• 23:55
  Speaker 5: Satist's back on the list.
• 23:56
  Speaker 7: Now back on the list.
• 23:57
  Speaker 5: So okay, So so let me get Donald. I'm gonna
• 24:01
  Speaker 5: speak for you, but I'm guessing that what you're feeling
• 24:04
  Speaker 5: in that moment when you say that is like you
• 24:06
  Speaker 5: feel so connected to her, so in love with her.
• 24:09
  Speaker 5: It was fun, it was pleasurable. It was just like,
• 24:12
  Speaker 5: oh yes, And so I'm guessing that you hearing that
• 24:15
  Speaker 5: she's so deflated when you say that, you're like, oh no,
• 24:18
  Speaker 5: that's like the exact opposite of what I wanted you
• 24:20
  Speaker 5: to feel. So, Casey, what is do you different?
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: No? No, no, no, absolutely not.
• 24:31
  Speaker 5: What could he say to you instead of we should
• 24:33
  Speaker 5: do it again, which makes you feel like, oh shit,
• 24:35
  Speaker 5: I didn't do good enough. It's back on the list.
• 24:38
  Speaker 5: What could he say to you that's different that would
• 24:41
  Speaker 5: help you? Because I think what he's trying to say
• 24:42
  Speaker 5: is like, that was so fun, I feel so connected.
• 24:45
  Speaker 7: To what's your day? Like, what can I help you
• 24:47
  Speaker 7: with today?
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: Mm hmm?
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: What could you say that right after sex. That's what
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I don't want. I don't want sex to be a freak.
• 24:56
  Speaker 5: We can do both. I can do both.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: How I'm going to give you some.
• 25:02
  Speaker 7: Handle when we're getting dressed and stuff.
• 25:05
  Speaker 5: So what are you going to do today?
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: What do you have to now?
• 25:07
  Speaker 7: Like, oh, do you need him?
• 25:09
  Speaker 5: What's anything? What's the way that he could express to
• 25:12
  Speaker 5: you how much fun he had and how connected he
• 25:14
  Speaker 5: feels to you in a way that makes you feel
• 25:16
  Speaker 5: like that was good enough, that was great?
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: Well.
• 25:19
  Speaker 7: To be honest, Donald's very complimentary after sex, like he'll
• 25:23
  Speaker 7: fill me up and boos up.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: Jesus, all right, can I see can I jump in here?
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: I one of the things we had a gynecologist on
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: and she she was answering some questions, but then she
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: deferred and said, you should really have a sex therapist
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: on this is And what she was saying is that
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: you know, some of these chores around the house that
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: Casey was feeling don't get done. That that's and that
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: can be an afrodisiac in a way by doing some
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: of the things, by taking some of the load off
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: of her. That that might be something that he could
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: be doing that would make her and.
• 26:02
  Speaker 7: Wait, not to interrupt, but just for everyone to know
• 26:04
  Speaker 7: it's not so much chores like laundry, and it's like
• 26:08
  Speaker 7: you pick up the kids, you drive the forty five
• 26:10
  Speaker 7: minutes to the school and get the kids in forty
• 26:12
  Speaker 7: five minutes back with them yelling at you and treating
• 26:14
  Speaker 7: you like shit the whole way home.
• 26:16
  Speaker 5: Do you see what I'm saying?
• 26:17
  Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, no, absolutely, it's both of our kids. It's
• 26:20
  Speaker 7: not just mine. They're not just mine.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, kids have complicated a lot
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: of shit, you know what I mean. Like, as far
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: as it's like a fantasy over here, sometimes for me,
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I'm going to keep.
• 26:31
  Speaker 7: It one hundred with you, I agree, like, no fantasy.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: No doubt, Like the shit's just clean all of a sudden.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, that should clean all of a sudden.
• 26:40
  Speaker 7: Oh I got to be in the garage animating for
• 26:42
  Speaker 7: nine hours and nobody even.
• 26:44
  Speaker 5: Looked for me.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's another.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: So don't use Sorry, I'll defer the prose. But don't
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: you see that that might be a root of some
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: of the problem in terms of you getting more of
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: what you want.
• 26:56
  Speaker 5: It's a huge, huge part of it. So I think
• 26:58
  Speaker 5: I think there are two things that I would if
• 27:01
  Speaker 5: we were working together. There are two things that I
• 27:02
  Speaker 5: would work with. One is figuring out what's a better
• 27:05
  Speaker 5: way for Donald to communicate like after sex, I feel
• 27:09
  Speaker 5: so good, I'm so connected. I would probably suggest not
• 27:12
  Speaker 5: saying do you want to do that again? Right in
• 27:14
  Speaker 5: that moment. I would just focus on complimenting her, because
• 27:17
  Speaker 5: you're doing that already. It sounds like she feels good,
• 27:20
  Speaker 5: but you need to make her really feel like like,
• 27:23
  Speaker 5: just that was so good. I love you so much,
• 27:25
  Speaker 5: I'm really connected. I appreciate the way that you showed
• 27:28
  Speaker 5: up with me that moment that we shared, like thank you,
• 27:31
  Speaker 5: and then you know, we can talk about like you
• 27:34
  Speaker 5: can still express desire for her, but I would keep
• 27:36
  Speaker 5: it a little bit separate so she just gets that
• 27:38
  Speaker 5: to enjoy that feeling in that moment of like, okay, good,
• 27:41
  Speaker 5: he feels good. I feel good. That was enjoyable, and
• 27:45
  Speaker 5: so the perfectionism doesn't come up for you if like,
• 27:47
  Speaker 5: oh god, it wasn't good enough.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 27:49
  Speaker 5: So that's one piece of it. The second piece of
• 27:51
  Speaker 5: it is dealing with the mental load aspect of it,
• 27:54
  Speaker 5: because this is a huge thing that comes up with couples.
• 27:57
  Speaker 5: Like I was saying, the majority of women carry the
• 27:59
  Speaker 5: mental load, and it really makes sex start to feel transactional.
• 28:02
  Speaker 5: And the great thing that I'm hearing from you guys
• 28:04
  Speaker 5: is like the sex itself is not the problem. It
• 28:07
  Speaker 5: sounds like you guys have fun, you feel connected, you
• 28:10
  Speaker 5: love each other, like it's really intimate and enjoyable. It's
• 28:13
  Speaker 5: just like getting there that's causing the challenge. So when
• 28:16
  Speaker 5: it comes to mental load, like, we highly recommend that
• 28:20
  Speaker 5: couples come up with a specific plan of how they're
• 28:23
  Speaker 5: going to share mental load and the actual responsibilities of
• 28:27
  Speaker 5: running the household, because if you guys are feeling like
• 28:30
  Speaker 5: if you don't have a specific plan, the majority of
• 28:33
  Speaker 5: it is just going to be falling to her, and
• 28:34
  Speaker 5: she's going to start to feel overworked and tired and resentful,
• 28:38
  Speaker 5: and she's not going to be able to show up
• 28:40
  Speaker 5: with that energy that you both want her to show up.
• 28:43
  Speaker 5: You guys have the same goals here actually, Like, it's
• 28:45
  Speaker 5: not that you're wildly mismatched, So I would think about, like,
• 28:49
  Speaker 5: what are the ways that you can share the responsibilities
• 28:52
  Speaker 5: a little bit more evenly, so you guys are feeling
• 28:55
  Speaker 5: more like teammates outside of the bedroom, and then that's
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: going to make it easier to feel like teammates.
• 29:00
  Speaker 7: And I think that's our missing link. And and please no,
• 29:04
  Speaker 7: like he treats me like a queen, I feel a mate.
• 29:07
  Speaker 7: He's a wonderful husband to me, and he's a wonderful dad.
• 29:11
  Speaker 7: But I and in his defense, a lot of it
• 29:13
  Speaker 7: is is because I take on the role of getting
• 29:18
  Speaker 7: everything done because I like it done my way or
• 29:21
  Speaker 7: the right way. I do admit that. I do admit that,
• 29:27
  Speaker 7: you know, but you know, just for example, before this podcast,
• 29:33
  Speaker 7: you know, I'm worried. I'm in addition to the kids,
• 29:36
  Speaker 7: the house and everything else, which I don't have a
• 29:38
  Speaker 7: problem with. I love my kids, and I love taking
• 29:41
  Speaker 7: care of my beautiful home that I'm very fortunate to
• 29:43
  Speaker 7: have thanks to him. But I'm worried. Is your computer charged?
• 29:48
  Speaker 7: I'm checking my phone. Did Zach text me because he
• 29:51
  Speaker 7: wants because Donald's late or this? Or where is Donald
• 29:54
  Speaker 7: going today? He needs the map quest I have to
• 29:56
  Speaker 7: send him the address. I have to make sure I
• 29:58
  Speaker 7: give him the warning that it's time to get in
• 29:59
  Speaker 7: the car because the traffic is bad.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: It's just.
• 30:03
  Speaker 7: And I do have to You could say, I don't
• 30:05
  Speaker 7: have to do those things. But I do have to
• 30:06
  Speaker 7: do those things because if I don't, guess what, Donald's
• 30:08
  Speaker 7: not there on time, Zach's angry, Zach's texting me, you know,
• 30:12
  Speaker 7: the computer's not charged, it's dead. Y'all are pissed off.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: What we've learned is I'm the reason that you guys
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: aren't fucking enough. That's really what I think.
• 30:21
  Speaker 5: Zach's the entire problem here.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: She's got fake doctors on her shoulder as well.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I.
• 30:29
  Speaker 7: Mean, I think what you're saying is right.
• 30:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah, coming up with the plan together and as part
• 30:33
  Speaker 5: of the plan, so here's what comes up. Like a
• 30:36
  Speaker 5: lot of us women do the same thing. And we've
• 30:38
  Speaker 5: had this come up in our relationship too, Like if
• 30:40
  Speaker 5: this happens for everybody, but like we've been so socialized
• 30:44
  Speaker 5: to believe that, you know, our value is in taking
• 30:46
  Speaker 5: care of the home and making things run properly and
• 30:48
  Speaker 5: everything's good, and so we do have this idea in
• 30:51
  Speaker 5: our heads of the right way to do things, and
• 30:53
  Speaker 5: so we get frustrated and it's like, oh, can you
• 30:56
  Speaker 5: just unload the dishwasher, like I have so many things
• 30:58
  Speaker 5: to do, and then he unloads it in the and
• 31:00
  Speaker 5: it's like, oh, I shouldn't even have asked it, Like
• 31:03
  Speaker 5: now I have to redo it. I should have done
• 31:05
  Speaker 5: it myself. Right. So, in that conversation when you're making
• 31:09
  Speaker 5: a plan of like whose responsibility is what, and like,
• 31:11
  Speaker 5: it's got to be a clear plan. And part of
• 31:13
  Speaker 5: the plan also needs to be how does each thing
• 31:17
  Speaker 5: need to be done? So it's not enough to say
• 31:20
  Speaker 5: your job is, you know, doing all the dishes. We've
• 31:23
  Speaker 5: got to go through like, okay, how do the dishes
• 31:26
  Speaker 5: need to be done? What's the like acceptable standard? You know,
• 31:30
  Speaker 5: are there things that I need to show you that
• 31:31
  Speaker 5: you've never done before?
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: You know what we need? We need that instruction manual.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: Instruction instruction manual.
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: All right, And I want to make it broadened it
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: out because I'm sure there's you know, we're speaking specifically
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: about their case, but I'm sure there's instances where the
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: dynamic is shifted where the woman has a much stronger
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: libido than the man. Correct.
• 31:53
  Speaker 5: Oh yeah, absolutely. We actually have pulled our audience about
• 31:56
  Speaker 5: this because stereotypically, you think in a male female relationship,
• 32:00
  Speaker 5: like it's always the guy that has the higher sex drive.
• 32:03
  Speaker 5: But it's really not like We've pulled our audience about this,
• 32:06
  Speaker 5: and forty five percent of couples in male female relationships
• 32:10
  Speaker 5: say that it's actually the woman who has the higher drive.
• 32:13
  Speaker 6: And we've been through long periods in our relationship where
• 32:15
  Speaker 6: Vanessa's had a higher sex drive than me. So this
• 32:18
  Speaker 6: is something that's super super common.
• 32:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, but it just doesn't never get talked about.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because that is something that's true. It's mostly what
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: they're talking about, I'm sure, is what's in the zeitgeist
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: of people thinking, oh, yeah, the guy always wants to
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: he's begging for sex. But so how did you guys
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: do with that? When it was when the tables returned
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: when you when you as the man, weren't feeling h
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: it and and she was like, what the fuck, come on.
• 32:41
  Speaker 6: Well let's see I So, you know, this was early
• 32:43
  Speaker 6: early in our relationship. We definitely, we definitely did everything
• 32:47
  Speaker 6: the wrong way. This was you know, before we had
• 32:49
  Speaker 6: built up this business, and you know, it was probably
• 32:52
  Speaker 6: when you were still studying in grad school, right and
• 32:56
  Speaker 6: and so you know what happened for me was, you know,
• 32:59
  Speaker 6: I I took on all of this shame because it
• 33:02
  Speaker 6: was like, hey, I'm a man, I'm supposed to have
• 33:04
  Speaker 6: a higher sex right. That's the way I've been socialized.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 33:07
  Speaker 6: All the messages that we get are like guys want
• 33:09
  Speaker 6: it whenever wherever, like however right, And it was like okay,
• 33:13
  Speaker 6: so like why why am I not wanting it? Like
• 33:16
  Speaker 6: something must be wrong with me? And so I would
• 33:18
  Speaker 6: get really down on myself. I would get really in
• 33:20
  Speaker 6: my head, and then that would in turn create more
• 33:24
  Speaker 6: issues for me, like performance issues. I would get excited
• 33:27
  Speaker 6: about doing it, and then I would get that thought
• 33:29
  Speaker 6: in my head of oh, we like are like are
• 33:32
  Speaker 6: you going to be able to are you going to
• 33:33
  Speaker 6: be able to last? Are you going to be able
• 33:34
  Speaker 6: to you know whatever? And then and then things would
• 33:37
  Speaker 6: kind of go awright. So for me, it was this
• 33:39
  Speaker 6: downward spiral initially.
• 33:41
  Speaker 5: And the thing that I fucked up with is I
• 33:43
  Speaker 5: took it really personally, like, oh, he doesn't think I'm
• 33:46
  Speaker 5: sexy anymore, is not attracted to me, he doesn't want
• 33:49
  Speaker 5: to be with me anymore, which only put more pressure
• 33:52
  Speaker 5: on him that like now his sex drive has to
• 33:56
  Speaker 5: like prove to me how attractive he is to me?
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: How did you get get out of the spiral?
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 34:02
  Speaker 6: So I mean eventually we went to couples therapy and
• 34:05
  Speaker 6: started kind of peeling back the layers of the onion
• 34:08
  Speaker 6: because you know, I started realizing, Okay, I have been
• 34:12
  Speaker 6: unconsciously avoiding situations that I think might lead to intimacy
• 34:17
  Speaker 6: so that I don't have to ask those questions of myself,
• 34:21
  Speaker 6: and you know, and that's causing Vanessa to wonder, like,
• 34:24
  Speaker 6: am I really attracted to her? Like, you know, what's
• 34:27
  Speaker 6: wrong with me? And so we started talking more and
• 34:30
  Speaker 6: more about each of our experiences and kind of realizing that,
• 34:35
  Speaker 6: you know, we had been approaching each other kind of
• 34:38
  Speaker 6: in the wrong way.
• 34:39
  Speaker 5: Well, so, yeah, and what realized, what we realized at
• 34:42
  Speaker 5: the time was like Xander was working super long hours
• 34:46
  Speaker 5: at a corporate job. He wasn't taking care of himself.
• 34:49
  Speaker 5: He was just constantly working and like really high stress
• 34:53
  Speaker 5: levels and just a really bad relationship with his body.
• 34:56
  Speaker 5: And so once we started talking about it more openly,
• 34:58
  Speaker 5: it was like, oh, those are some very understandable reasons
• 35:01
  Speaker 5: why you're not feeling super sexy, Like you're too stressed,
• 35:04
  Speaker 5: you're too busy, and there's literally no time for us
• 35:07
  Speaker 5: to have sex. So there were very understandable and practical
• 35:11
  Speaker 5: reasons why his desire had started to decrease, but we
• 35:15
  Speaker 5: just had gotten locked in this really bad cycle that
• 35:17
  Speaker 5: we couldn't see it. So once we started talking about it,
• 35:20
  Speaker 5: was like, oh, okay, we need to like, you know,
• 35:22
  Speaker 5: you needed to make some changes.
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 35:24
  Speaker 6: I had to think kind of long and hard about
• 35:26
  Speaker 6: you know, what did my life look like. Was I
• 35:29
  Speaker 6: happy with the choices that I was making that was
• 35:32
  Speaker 6: getting me into this position where you know, I just
• 35:35
  Speaker 6: didn't really have much time, space or energy for intimacy.
• 35:38
  Speaker 6: So that that was one thing. So I kind of
• 35:40
  Speaker 6: had to stop compartmentalizing sex as like, oh, it's this
• 35:43
  Speaker 6: thing that happens regardless of what else is going on
• 35:46
  Speaker 6: in my life. And so you know, that caused me
• 35:49
  Speaker 6: to make a couple of changes around, you know, just
• 35:52
  Speaker 6: choices that I was making at work and you know,
• 35:55
  Speaker 6: stuff that I was doing in terms of like maybe
• 35:58
  Speaker 6: not getting very much exercise and stuff like that. And
• 36:01
  Speaker 6: the other piece of it was I needed to understand
• 36:03
  Speaker 6: better how my own sex drive worked, because for me,
• 36:07
  Speaker 6: I just assumed like, oh, guys are supposed to want
• 36:09
  Speaker 6: it whenever, wherever. But what I came to realize was
• 36:13
  Speaker 6: that actually there was a we know, this now, there
• 36:15
  Speaker 6: are two sex drive types. I assumed I had the
• 36:18
  Speaker 6: one that you know, this stereotypical male one, which is
• 36:22
  Speaker 6: called spontaneous desire, where the desire for sex, the thought
• 36:26
  Speaker 6: of sex just comes to you in your head first
• 36:29
  Speaker 6: like randomly, and then you take action, you know, with
• 36:32
  Speaker 6: your body to maybe initiate sex or to have sex.
• 36:35
  Speaker 6: But there's another type of desire called responsive desire, which
• 36:40
  Speaker 6: is when your body needs some stimulation before your head
• 36:45
  Speaker 6: gets the idea of ah, yeah, this sounds good and
• 36:48
  Speaker 6: so yeah, most men or more men have spontaneous desire
• 36:52
  Speaker 6: and more women have responsive desire. But what I found
• 36:55
  Speaker 6: for me is that I'm actually a bit more on
• 36:57
  Speaker 6: that responsive side, and so I had to rework buire
• 37:00
  Speaker 6: my brain in a way and in terms of thinking, oh, okay,
• 37:04
  Speaker 6: if I you know, if we want to have sex,
• 37:06
  Speaker 6: I need a little bit of time to kind of
• 37:09
  Speaker 6: calm down and to get you know, get myself ready
• 37:12
  Speaker 6: and maybe set the mood. And so, you know, it
• 37:14
  Speaker 6: was instead of it being like this, you know, this
• 37:18
  Speaker 6: snap initiation like hey want to do it? Like that's
• 37:21
  Speaker 6: not going to work for me, because like I need
• 37:23
  Speaker 6: to get myself excited and amped up about.
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: It, but you do it or when you say responsive desire,
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: and this might apply to to to dial and casey
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: and the and the and the switch of the sexes
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: as well. But does that mean that she could your
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: wife could get you there by you know, giving you
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: a massage or or whatever whatever it is, touching your
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: body in a certain way.
• 37:46
  Speaker 5: Yeah. Responsive basically means you're you need something to respond to.
• 37:50
  Speaker 5: You're not just like mentally going to think like, oh, yeah,
• 37:53
  Speaker 5: sex sounds great right now. So a classic sign that
• 37:55
  Speaker 5: you might be a responsive sex drive type is if
• 37:57
  Speaker 5: you've ever been in the middle of sex or even
• 38:00
  Speaker 5: at the end of sex, and you catch yourself thinking like,
• 38:03
  Speaker 5: this is fun. Why do I not seem to want
• 38:05
  Speaker 5: this more often? That's a classic sign. So it's just
• 38:08
  Speaker 5: like your body needs to get turned on first before
• 38:12
  Speaker 5: mentally the idea of sex sounds.
• 38:14
  Speaker 7: I'm definitely responsive.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a that's a really that's a really interesting
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: Like there are times I think I'm a responsive person too,
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: but I'm also very uh, I'm also ready to go whenever.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: But like there's this taboo that men are supposed to
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: always initiate whether they want to have sex or not,
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: and it's it's I want to feel desired too, you
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? It would be nice if Casey
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: was like, yo, well she's done it a couple of times.
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: I don't want to use you as an example, but
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: it would be nice if more often, Well, I gotta
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: use you as example. I got Okay. They are tellings
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: where it's like, all right, I'm horny. I know for
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: a fact she's horny, but I'm not gonna say nothing.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: I wonder I would like hard to say to me, Yo,
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: what's going on in them jeans? You know?
• 39:20
  Speaker 5: Do you want to initiate just like what?
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: It doesn't happen, and then I wind up getting upset,
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, I turned into.
• 39:26
  Speaker 7: And then he doesn't sleep in the bed for three days.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: Right then I'm like some shit, like she's supposed to.
• 39:30
  Speaker 7: I missed some off twenty four to seven, right.
• 39:37
  Speaker 5: Yeah, No, I appreciate you saying that you guys are
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: doing such a great job just being vulnerable, so I
• 39:41
  Speaker 5: have to say that. But I think you're speaking to
• 39:44
  Speaker 5: something that a lot of men have a hard time admitting,
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: which is that they want to feel desired too. And
• 39:50
  Speaker 5: it's a lot of pressure to be the one who's
• 39:53
  Speaker 5: always initiating. Like, initiating is vulnerable, right if your partner it's.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: Like auditioning for free and for in pilot season yea,
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: and they're like no, no.
• 40:06
  Speaker 5: No, no, no, no, yeah.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: Call back, and you're like I.
• 40:10
  Speaker 7: And I'm the real blunt partner. So he'll say something
• 40:15
  Speaker 7: to me and and he'll be like, well, I'm not
• 40:18
  Speaker 7: going to juice it up. He'll be like I want
• 40:20
  Speaker 7: a fuck, and I'll be like I want to fuck you.
• 40:25
  Speaker 7: I don't even like you right now like that, I'm
• 40:28
  Speaker 7: not I'm not having that right now. I don't even
• 40:30
  Speaker 7: want to look at you right now.
• 40:31
  Speaker 5: So you know what, a lot of guys do that
• 40:33
  Speaker 5: kind of bad initiation.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: I guess it's your truth. It's your truth.
• 40:38
  Speaker 5: So most men do initiation like that, like wanna fuck
• 40:41
  Speaker 5: or just like honking your boobs or like smacking your ass,
• 40:46
  Speaker 5: that kind of thing. They do it like that because initiating,
• 40:49
  Speaker 5: for real is so vulnerable. So if Xander comes up
• 40:53
  Speaker 5: behind me and he can just like honk my boobs
• 40:55
  Speaker 5: and like, oh, get off me, what are you doing.
• 40:57
  Speaker 6: I can be like, oh, I was just messing around.
• 41:00
  Speaker 6: Like plausible deniability, I wasn't actually trying to initiate sex.
• 41:04
  Speaker 6: You're crazy that you think I was trying to initiate sex, right,
• 41:08
  Speaker 6: So then I don't have to feel vulnerable and I
• 41:10
  Speaker 6: don't have to feel bad.
• 41:11
  Speaker 5: Yeah so, but of course, like most of us, don't
• 41:15
  Speaker 5: like being initiated in that way. It's like, what you
• 41:17
  Speaker 5: why are you doing that? Like initiation, it's supposed to
• 41:20
  Speaker 5: feel like an invitation, supposed to feel like something that
• 41:23
  Speaker 5: we want to say yes to, but a lot of
• 41:26
  Speaker 5: us are We're so uncomfortable with that vulnerability that we
• 41:29
  Speaker 5: can't put ourselves out there.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it ain't none like trying to initiate something
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: the proper way with the hug and the kiss and shit,
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: and then then being like, no, no, no, I don't
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: want to do this right now.
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: Yeah, okay exactly to read there it is it hurts
• 41:42
  Speaker 5: so much more right read the room.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, listen, we said, there's two types of people.
• 41:49
  Speaker 7: No, I know, but you also have to in my opinion,
• 41:53
  Speaker 7: you know, if I I don't know, I don't know
• 41:56
  Speaker 7: what other men are. Like, I've only had sex with
• 41:58
  Speaker 7: Donald for the past seven.
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: Year year, she said, Yeah, three months, I've only had
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: sex with Donald for the past like seven months, so
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: I don't.
• 42:12
  Speaker 5: You know, But so, Casey, what would be like in
• 42:16
  Speaker 5: your ideal scenario? And actually I want to ask both
• 42:20
  Speaker 5: of you this, what would be the perfect way for
• 42:23
  Speaker 5: your partner to initiate It would just be like so sexy,
• 42:26
  Speaker 5: so exciting, make you feel good like.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: Pants genes.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, So the best time, the best not the best time,
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: and it was horrible for me, but and then I
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: felt the pressure and I felt what it was like
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: to be her and now, oh shit, I got to
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: perform and stuff like that. But when we came back,
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: I came back from out of town from Miami, from
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: from Miami, and she's texting me in the car, get
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: that dick, like got too much, too much to right.
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: So I'm on my way home thinking like, yo, dude,
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: you gotta go. Oh ship, this is what we've been
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: waiting for.
• 43:08
  Speaker 7: Side note, I'm like, I can tell he worked really
• 43:12
  Speaker 7: hard and he's exhausted and he's coming home and I
• 43:15
  Speaker 7: wasn't as pleasant when he left, so I'm going to
• 43:17
  Speaker 7: really put it on him.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: She said some things that.
• 43:24
  Speaker 5: And then so was that Actually, you're like the best
• 43:28
  Speaker 5: way he came home and I put it on him.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I you know, but I'm so in my
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: head about this ship that I'm like, yo, I'm not performing.
• 43:37
  Speaker 5: Pressure on you right now.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: This is way too much pressure. You know. Please make
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: her bust. She got a bust, you know what I mean?
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: Like your wife.
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: To stuff off the audience to know that the sex
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: service are both laughing at the word bus.
• 43:56
  Speaker 5: I want to hear. This might be need to be
• 43:58
  Speaker 5: like a homework assignment for you guys, Like I want
• 44:01
  Speaker 5: each of you to think about because you're not you
• 44:03
  Speaker 5: didn't answer the question donald you gave me like one
• 44:06
  Speaker 5: that was that created a lot of pressure for you. So,
• 44:08
  Speaker 5: like what would be the ideal way to initiate? Because
• 44:12
  Speaker 5: that's something like most of us have never thought about
• 44:14
  Speaker 5: this question before, right, But it's kind of crazy because
• 44:16
  Speaker 5: it's like we we want our partner to initiate in
• 44:19
  Speaker 5: a good way, and we get annoyed with them when
• 44:21
  Speaker 5: they don't initiate in a good way. But most of
• 44:23
  Speaker 5: us have never taken the time to think about, like,
• 44:25
  Speaker 5: but what is what would a good way actually be?
• 44:28
  Speaker 5: For me? So you guys have to think about it
• 44:30
  Speaker 5: and then each other.
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: That's a good homework assignment for you guys, and also
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: for couples who this speaks to to to write that
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: down maybe and then maybe have the vulnerability to share
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: it with each other, and maybe.
• 44:42
  Speaker 7: That's they going to come Are you all going to
• 44:43
  Speaker 7: come back on?
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: And well, I hope so, but no, no, no, you
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: guys happen to anytime to move on to other things
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: besides your guys sex life. And then but you, oh
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: you guys, give us.
• 44:54
  Speaker 7: Your direct emails so we.
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: Can have they are available for hire, just so you know, yes.
• 45:00
  Speaker 5: Happy to help. I really appreciate you.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: I'll be right back after these words, and we're.
• 45:12
  Speaker 3: Back and we're back.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: Well, thank you. I wanted to talk about some of
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: the other things because that's very good and very informative
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: on the subject of people not being on the same page.
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: How do you describe that libido not being smashed libidos?
• 45:30
  Speaker 5: I mean, we talked about a lot of different things
• 45:32
  Speaker 5: get wrapped up in it, and that's why it's, yeah,
• 45:34
  Speaker 5: so interesting to start pulling apart the layers and you're like, oh,
• 45:36
  Speaker 5: this it makes sense.
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: I was looking through your guide and it was very
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: informative and I wondered, what do you think are the
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: most we could do it for both men and women.
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: What do you think are the most common things that
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: women say to you? A man doesn't understand about what
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: turns them on because there's some information in the guides
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: I think is very helpful for men and or women obviously,
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: but what what do you find as someone who specializes this,
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: Women more often than not come to you and say,
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: my partner isn't getting that this is what works for me.
• 46:14
  Speaker 5: The most common thing is truly the emotional intimacy aspect
• 46:17
  Speaker 5: of it. Like so many women want to feel more
• 46:20
  Speaker 5: of that connection from their partner, more of the like,
• 46:23
  Speaker 5: you know, he's not just paying attention to me when
• 46:25
  Speaker 5: he wants to have sex, Like he's connecting with me
• 46:27
  Speaker 5: all throughout the day, and it's simple stuff like make
• 46:30
  Speaker 5: eye contact with me, give me a hug, give me
• 46:32
  Speaker 5: a kiss, say nice things to me so that it
• 46:35
  Speaker 5: feels easier, you know when we get into bed at
• 46:37
  Speaker 5: the end of the night, to want to connect physically too.
• 46:40
  Speaker 5: So it's really the emotional intimacy. So much of the
• 46:42
  Speaker 5: stuff that we talked about with Casey, like helping out
• 46:44
  Speaker 5: around the house, even the chore play that what we
• 46:47
  Speaker 5: call it can be really your man, do some chores
• 46:52
  Speaker 5: can generally you'd be really good.
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: Keeps coming up. It came up with the gynecologists as well.
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: I think that the idea of it seems to me
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: you're saying that women are turned on by mister clean, no,
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: by the guy actually doing the things she's always asking
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: him to do. And it sounds not just cleaning. In
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: Casey's example, it was taking the kids to school or whatever,
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: you know, like doing.
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: It's not just taking the kids to school. It's making
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: the load. What I heard was it's making the load lighter.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: So it's not it's it's a bunch of different things,
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean.
• 47:36
  Speaker 5: It's being a real partner, like being a true partner.
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: It's interesting when I asked you this question, I thought
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: you were going to say. When you said emotional connection,
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: my brain went to during for play and sex, eye
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: contact and emotional words and stuff like that. But then
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: it was even more interesting to me that you're like, no, no,
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: throughout the day, the chore play and the hugs and
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: the kisses throughout the day. But that's what women are
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: looking for.
• 48:02
  Speaker 5: For women, I think a lot of women feel like
• 48:05
  Speaker 5: foreplay is all throughout the day. Like the way that
• 48:08
  Speaker 5: you treat me all throughout the day is going to
• 48:10
  Speaker 5: affect how I show up in the bedroom with you.
• 48:13
  Speaker 5: So it is really important to be able to have
• 48:16
  Speaker 5: that connection and to feel important to each other. And
• 48:19
  Speaker 5: I think for women too, I really think the cheat
• 48:21
  Speaker 5: code to women is doing what you say you're going
• 48:25
  Speaker 5: to do. There is nothing sexier to a woman than
• 48:30
  Speaker 5: a man who does what he says he's gonna do.
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: Wow, that's a headline. Dale, write that down. Put that
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: in the headline.
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: Everybody says it. Everybody's like, I mean what I say,
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: and I say what I mean.
• 48:42
  Speaker 5: No, but a lot of people don't should not follow through.
• 48:45
  Speaker 5: And then and then we sh can't trust you. We
• 48:47
  Speaker 5: can't trust you, right, And trust is so important for
• 48:50
  Speaker 5: us to be able to let ourselves go in the moment,
• 48:54
  Speaker 5: you know. I think a lot of men, men and
• 48:56
  Speaker 5: women alike, like we want to be able to let
• 48:58
  Speaker 5: go during sex and just really like enjoy ourselves and
• 49:02
  Speaker 5: lose ourselves in that moment. And like we need to
• 49:04
  Speaker 5: feel that trust in you to be able to do that.
• 49:08
  Speaker 6: And I think what can be really helpful for men
• 49:10
  Speaker 6: out there who you know, maybe we definitely haven't been
• 49:13
  Speaker 6: socialized in that way to think about like the emotional
• 49:17
  Speaker 6: connection throughout the day and how those household responsibilities might
• 49:21
  Speaker 6: tie into the emotional connection. So I think what is
• 49:24
  Speaker 6: super helpful for men. I know this has been super
• 49:26
  Speaker 6: helpful for me, is you know, starting to create a
• 49:30
  Speaker 6: habit of tying those things that I do around those
• 49:34
  Speaker 6: around the house, those chores that I have to the
• 49:37
  Speaker 6: way that they make Vanessa feel. So, for example, I
• 49:40
  Speaker 6: make the bed. That's one of my responsibilities around the house.
• 49:43
  Speaker 6: And Vanessa and I have different definitions of what you know,
• 49:46
  Speaker 6: done right is around the bed, Like, you know, I'm
• 49:49
  Speaker 6: fine just pulling the covers up, and you know, putting
• 49:52
  Speaker 6: the pillows on. Vanessa's like, oh no, Like you know,
• 49:54
  Speaker 6: I want everything nice and tucked in. I want I
• 49:56
  Speaker 6: want those pillows.
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: Definitely, gosh.
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: Understand them. I can't. I can't sleep when they're so comffy,
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 50:08
  Speaker 6: And as soon as we get in, Yeah, as soon
• 50:10
  Speaker 6: as I get into bed, I'm taking all the pillows off,
• 50:12
  Speaker 6: and I'm like, why am I putting them on the
• 50:14
  Speaker 6: bed when we're just gonna mess them all up when
• 50:16
  Speaker 6: we get in the bed. Anyway, So, but what I
• 50:18
  Speaker 6: needed to learn was that for Vanessa, it's the experience
• 50:23
  Speaker 6: of walking into the room in seeing that really nice bed.
• 50:27
  Speaker 6: It's like it's like when you walk into a really
• 50:29
  Speaker 6: nice hotel room and you're like, oh, this is this.
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: Is so nice, is so nice and peaceful.
• 50:34
  Speaker 6: So for her, I've I've come to realize, like she
• 50:37
  Speaker 6: lights up when, you know, if I initiate sex and
• 50:39
  Speaker 6: we walk into the bedroom and everything is all nicely made,
• 50:43
  Speaker 6: She's like, oh, this is so luxurious. And so instead
• 50:47
  Speaker 6: of me getting caught up on, like, you know, feeling
• 50:50
  Speaker 6: resentful around like, oh well, why is her definition of
• 50:52
  Speaker 6: done so different than mine? Why she want these dumb
• 50:54
  Speaker 6: decorative pillows on the bed. I've retrained myself to think about,
• 50:58
  Speaker 6: she's gonna be so happy when she sees this, and
• 51:02
  Speaker 6: you know, and she's going to be so excited to
• 51:04
  Speaker 6: get into that bed with me. And so whether it's
• 51:07
  Speaker 6: the bed or.
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: You reframe it, do you reframe it as chore play?
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: You're going, yeah, oh my god, if you could bounce
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: a quarter off that bed, she's she's getting more turned on.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: She is going to let you put a thumb in
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: the butt if you.
• 51:21
  Speaker 5: Do that, right, Yeah, when it comes to sex itself,
• 51:25
  Speaker 5: the number one thing that we hear from women is
• 51:28
  Speaker 5: they want men to slow down. Yeah, and a lot
• 51:31
  Speaker 5: of that ties into the four play conversation that we
• 51:33
  Speaker 5: were having earlier. Like so many men, it's like you
• 51:36
  Speaker 5: hear a yes from her and you're like, okay, let's
• 51:38
  Speaker 5: get right down to business.
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I miss my chance.
• 51:41
  Speaker 5: Yeah, but so many women are like no, please, like
• 51:45
  Speaker 5: slow down. I want you to touch me all over
• 51:47
  Speaker 5: and kiss me all over and get me to the
• 51:50
  Speaker 5: point where I'm like begging you for more rather than
• 51:54
  Speaker 5: jumping right into it.
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah. One thing you said, if I could quote your
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: guide is women are desperate for men to take more
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: time on the build up. So many people underestimate the
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: lead up. But many Volva owners say that the teasing
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: is their favorite part of being pleasured.
• 52:15
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that is what we hear all the time, Like,
• 52:17
  Speaker 5: when you're teasing me like that, that's the most pleasurable,
• 52:21
  Speaker 5: most exciting part of the experience for something.
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, well what if all right? This is that's for couples.
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: But my friend here, my colleague here is a single man,
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: and so there might be a different How do you
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: connect with somebody like how do you with sex? Like,
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: I'm sure when he meets somebody, he's like, all right,
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: that's the pressure right there. I got to perform because
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: maybe I want this person to come back, you know
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: what I mean?
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: Of course, I think even in what they're saying that
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: I what I'm getting is even if it's not a relationship,
• 52:54
  Speaker 2: if it's a new thing, that that everything should be
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: slowed down, and that what she's saying is that women
• 53:01
  Speaker 2: are constantly saying that if if you just once things
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: start going, a man just starts rushing through everything. And okay,
• 53:08
  Speaker 2: let's get to intercourse where she's saying, women are saying
• 53:11
  Speaker 2: it doesn't matter, slow everything down, tease me. I think
• 53:15
  Speaker 2: that you know, like.
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: Does that so that applies in the single life?
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: Is why wouldn't Why wouldn't it apply to a single man?
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: That's a statistic, right, So like, let's say you meet
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: somebody that's not like that, and it's like, I want
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: to fuck tonight. I don't want to just you know,
• 53:29
  Speaker 1: go through.
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: She's not saying every single woman. I'm sure, of course
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: there's women who are just like, you know, let's get
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: right to it. But she's saying that one of the
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: most common things that they hear is that women like
• 53:41
  Speaker 2: being teased or edging right, edging edging slightly different.
• 53:46
  Speaker 5: Edging is like when you're working towards orgasm and you
• 53:49
  Speaker 5: keep getting somebody to the edge of an orgasm and
• 53:51
  Speaker 5: then you back off.
• 53:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's a different kind of days.
• 53:54
  Speaker 5: But we're talking more about the earlier sta.
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: These are these techniques in the instruction.
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're in the guys. I think my homework. Donald
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: didn't do his homework. I've been reading these guys and.
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: The homework My life is the homework.
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: You guys, don't do you mind if I quote some
• 54:12
  Speaker 2: of your your manual or no, go for it. Some
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: of the well, I find it very informative. One of
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: the things that do you like?
• 54:20
  Speaker 5: The illustrations, they're great.
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: I actually put some in our group chat. I put
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: some in our group chat to just to get Donald
• 54:26
  Speaker 2: I was trying to do. I was trying to do
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: some foreplay for the episode with Donald, and I send
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: him some of your imagery. Some of the example does.
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: All it does is make me it would have been
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: a different interview. So I'm glad I didn't look at
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: the stuff massage.
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: Here's some of the things massage your partner's body. Massage
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: brings blood flow to the area, increasing sensitivity. Just like
• 54:48
  Speaker 2: blood flow is crucial for getting a penis erec it's
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: equally important for getting a glitter is turned on. So
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: blood flow can lead to a delightful throbbing feeling between
• 54:57
  Speaker 2: your partner's legs.
• 55:00
  Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, so we actually haven't talked about the
• 55:02
  Speaker 5: clitterists too much, and this is the cause of the
• 55:05
  Speaker 5: issue with intercourse. So on a man's body, the most
• 55:09
  Speaker 5: sensitive part is the penis. On a woman's body, the
• 55:12
  Speaker 5: most sensitive part is the clitterists. And so the problem
• 55:15
  Speaker 5: with intercourse is that there's not a whole lot of
• 55:19
  Speaker 5: clitteral stimulation, Like it's kind of in the vicinity, but
• 55:23
  Speaker 5: you're penetrating her vagina, and the vagina does not have
• 55:26
  Speaker 5: very many nerve endings, especially when you compare it to
• 55:29
  Speaker 5: the clitterius and the penis. The penis has like two
• 55:32
  Speaker 5: to three thousand nerve endings in it. The clitterists has
• 55:35
  Speaker 5: eight to nine thousand nerve endings, So it's actually way
• 55:37
  Speaker 5: more sensitive than the penis. And so when you're having intercourse,
• 55:47
  Speaker 5: so you're stimulating a part of her body that just
• 55:49
  Speaker 5: doesn't have a lot of nerve endings. So the comparison
• 55:53
  Speaker 5: that I like to make is from a nerve ending standpoint,
• 55:56
  Speaker 5: intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's.
• 55:59
  Speaker 6: Balls, which can be nice like and maybe you even
• 56:02
  Speaker 6: get hard, you get excited, but you're not gonna you're
• 56:05
  Speaker 6: not going to stay hard very long. Like you're definitely
• 56:07
  Speaker 6: not having an orgasm.
• 56:08
  Speaker 5: You're definitely not going to have an orgasm. And that's
• 56:11
  Speaker 5: the same thing for women, like it can.
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: But I have a question, Donald, Donald, don't say you're
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: going to come from having a ball to play with, right, listen,
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: I have a question.
• 56:20
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to say that you're like, I don't
• 56:23
  Speaker 3: know my balls, No, my balls.
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: My question for you is this, Now there are women listening,
• 56:30
  Speaker 2: I'm sure who would say, oh oh, no, I I
• 56:33
  Speaker 2: am one of the people who can have an orgasm
• 56:36
  Speaker 2: from vaginal intercourse solely is that because the glitterist is
• 56:41
  Speaker 2: being stimulated during during sex by being brushed up against
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: Why is that? Why is that happening? For question? Yeah,
• 56:48
  Speaker 2: thank you, That's why I'm a good podcast. Yes, only
• 56:51
  Speaker 2: ten percent they're having it just because of the basically
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: the man's pelvis is doing a drive by of her
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: of her clit.
• 56:59
  Speaker 5: Typically, so the most like the best position for female
• 57:03
  Speaker 5: orgasm is woman on top. And it's for that exact
• 57:06
  Speaker 5: reason that you're describing is your clitterists. It's like kind
• 57:09
  Speaker 5: of rubbing against your partner's lower abdomen, so you're getting
• 57:12
  Speaker 5: some clitteral stimulation that way. And the cool thing about
• 57:15
  Speaker 5: the clitterist is.
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: Is why you recommended because the gut rubs against the ship.
• 57:24
  Speaker 2: So all these guys with all these.
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: It's good for mental stimulation. But if you're really trying
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: to touch your six pack is a little bit of
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: a freaking beer gut.
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: Then that's why Donald stopped working out.
• 57:43
  Speaker 5: Go ahead, Sorry, that's what's happening for the majority of
• 57:46
  Speaker 5: the times. But the cool thing about the glitters is
• 57:48
  Speaker 5: it does you know, there is that little nub of
• 57:51
  Speaker 5: skin that we see like visible, but it also does
• 57:54
  Speaker 5: extend up into the body and it's kind of you know,
• 57:57
  Speaker 5: it's placed in different ways based on different people's anatomy.
• 57:59
  Speaker 5: So for some people you can stimulate it internally through
• 58:04
  Speaker 5: the walls of the vagina. But I kind of compare
• 58:06
  Speaker 5: it to like getting a massage on like getting a
• 58:10
  Speaker 5: massage on your bare skin versus getting a massage when
• 58:12
  Speaker 5: you're wearing a wool sweater. Like, sure, you might be
• 58:16
  Speaker 5: able to feel some simulation getting the massage over the
• 58:19
  Speaker 5: wool sweater, but it's like a little bit harder. So
• 58:21
  Speaker 5: for those that small percentage of women, some of them
• 58:24
  Speaker 5: just happen to naturally have a clitterist. That's like those
• 58:27
  Speaker 5: interior portions of it are a little more sensitive. Maybe
• 58:29
  Speaker 5: they're in a spot where it's easier to access them,
• 58:32
  Speaker 5: but for the majority of us, it's like we got
• 58:34
  Speaker 5: five wool sweaters on and you're not feeling anything.
• 58:37
  Speaker 2: So the good news.
• 58:37
  Speaker 6: The good news though, is that the clitterists can also
• 58:40
  Speaker 6: be stimulated during intercourse and very easy. So we are
• 58:44
  Speaker 6: you know, we are always advocating for more clitteral stimulation.
• 58:48
  Speaker 6: The reality is that you know, when you combine those
• 58:50
  Speaker 6: two things that can be yes extremely pleasurable, and very
• 58:53
  Speaker 6: often that's them.
• 58:54
  Speaker 2: So do you recommend bringing like a small vibrator or
• 58:58
  Speaker 2: a bullet into intercourse?
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: So that's constantly I say, bring whatever you need to.
• 59:04
  Speaker 2: I asked the professionals, not asking you.
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: You don't know shit, guess what they're going to say.
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: Do you recommend Obviously people can digitally stimulate, but do
• 59:13
  Speaker 2: you do you recommend people bring some sort of vibrating
• 59:16
  Speaker 2: thing in that's constantly going on the glitteriust while the
• 59:19
  Speaker 2: man is entering the vaginal canal.
• 59:22
  Speaker 5: Donald, I'm trying to professor, I'm trying to counteract you
• 59:29
  Speaker 5: because you're like I got a nut and.
• 59:31
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to fucking be the antidote to the way
• 59:35
  Speaker 2: you talk. Sorry to answer the question, guys.
• 59:38
  Speaker 5: Donald's right here. We say bring bring whatever you can.
• 59:42
  Speaker 5: So if you like using a vibrator, that's great. There
• 59:44
  Speaker 5: are some like small ones that can you know, slip
• 59:46
  Speaker 5: in between your bodies, or there are different positions you
• 59:49
  Speaker 5: can be in where you can use any size of toy.
• 59:51
  Speaker 5: Or if you just prefer using your hands, using your
• 59:54
  Speaker 5: partner's hands doing cowgirls, so you're rubbing up against your
• 59:58
  Speaker 5: partner's abdomen. But we can we have this like ABC rule,
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 5: always be touching the clit, So always be touching the clit.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 5: We dropped those two tea's.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 2: Writ that home. Write that down at home. Everyone. Donald
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 2: literally brought a notepad. I've never seen him bring a
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 2: notepad to an interview. Always be closing always be closing.
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 1: My wife said it, we do have good sex.
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 2: It's it's well, imagine you should try bringing a little
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 2: small vibrational device in and maybe it will drive her
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 2: even more crazy, because I bet that's going to lead
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 2: to another thing that you advocate for, which is the
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 2: obvious shaking it up, surprising your partner.
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 5: Right, Yeah, we do advocate mixing things up in the bedroom.
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 5: Research has shown that when we do new things with
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 5: our partner inside and outside of the bedroom, our brains
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 5: light up. Like this is why we all talk about
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 5: the early stage of a relationship with so much fondness
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 5: because everything felt new, right, it felt so exciting, and then
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 5: we get you know, six months, a year and a relationship,
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 5: we're doing the same old thing over and over and
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 5: over again, and then wondering like whys and as exciting
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 5: because you're not mixing it up. You're not doing new
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 5: things anymore. So if you continue like just bringing, you know,
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 5: bringing new things into the bedroom, trying new things, there's
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 5: always something new to explore. But a lot of times
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 5: people hear that advice and they go to an extreme like, oh,
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 5: we've got to be doing some real kinky shit all
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 5: the time. And like constantly pushing off the bad right,
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 5: they come.
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 2: Home with like a rubber fist, right if.
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 5: You want to do all the kinky stuff your heart desires.
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 5: But sometimes, for a lot of couples in long term relationships,
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 5: mixing it up could be something as simple as like,
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 5: what's something that you used to do in those earlier
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 5: stages of the relationship that you haven't done in a while.
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 5: And it could be something as simple as like oral sex.
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 5: Maybe you haven't gone down on your partner in a
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 5: really long time, like bring that back. Or maybe you
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 5: guys are like always having sex in the bed, could
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 5: you do it on the sofa or on the washing
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 5: machine or something like that. So it's like mix it
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 5: up a little bit. It doesn't have to be extreme.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: I like that.
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: Let's take a break.
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 2: We'll be right back after these fine words.
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: Okay, Now, what happens when kids are thrown into the situation,
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: Like you're a married couple and you have one, two, three,
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: four children nine in my case, no no, But what
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: happens when you have children, like and now sex is
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 1: something that you got to sneak off and do, and
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: you know there's something fun in that obviously, But then
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: it becomes it also is like damn shit, we gotta
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: fucking go be quiet and do this. We gotta go
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: find an area. We can't just do it like we
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: did it when we were dating, like when you know
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 1: what I mean? So, yeah, what happens then? Like I
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: guess my question is how do you repair your sex
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: life when it's that you know what I mean?
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 5: Kids definitely make things a whole lot more challenging for
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 5: a lot of reasons, Like you know, I mean, it
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 5: completely changes a woman's relationship with her body. It brings
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 5: up all those questions about mental load and responsibility and
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 5: how we're dividing things up. You know, are we feeling
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 5: like a true partnership? Do we have quality time with
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 5: each other? Like that's a whole episode in and of
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 5: itself talking about that. But I think, you know, some
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 5: of the simplest things that you can do are really
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 5: trying to carve out some quality time where you get
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 5: to focus on being partners not just parents. Like it's
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 5: so easy to lose your identity as a couple because
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 5: you're so wrapped up in being parents, So you're not
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 5: going to be able to be as spontaneous as you
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 5: would without little people running around the house. But you
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 5: can still have date nights. You can still you know,
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 5: maybe it's like in your room, you're going to go
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 5: have sex in the closet, or you're gonna put a
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 5: rug down on the floor or something like that, Like
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 5: you can still do little creative things there, and definitely
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 5: getting away for any sort of like even if it's
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 5: just a staycation for one night, send the kids with
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 5: Grandma and grandpa or whatever you can do, like we.
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 1: Don't have that type of sitution.
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 2: Well, when she's talking to hundreds of thousands of people,
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 2: not just here.
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: I know, but I'm saying, I'm saying there are a
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: lot of people out there that are in the same
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: situation that Casey and I are, and a lot of
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 1: people don't have a lot of people don't have support
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: outside of their own.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 5: Yeah, a lot of people don't. So it's you know,
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 5: it's just it comes down to being as creative as
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 5: you can. And I don't want to make it sound
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 5: like it's super easy, Like kids really make things so
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 5: much more challenging, and I think parents like are not
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 5: prepared for that, and then they feel a lot of
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 5: shame and frustration and guilt. So it's it's trying to
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 5: get creative and see, like what is it that you
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 5: can do. So maybe it's like, do you have a
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 5: like friends that also have kids where you guys could swap,
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 5: like we're going to take care of your kids, where
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 5: you guys have a date night and then you'll trade
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 5: and we'll have the date night.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 6: Yeah, And one is why it's so important to just
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 6: be able to talk about this stuff openly because so often,
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 6: you know, we don't really talk that openly about our
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 6: sex life. You know, before we have kids, we think, oh,
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 6: sex is just this thing that happens, you know, it
• 1:05:09
  Speaker 6: happens at the end of the night. We've done it
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 6: this certain way for all these years, and then all
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 6: of a sudden, like you were saying, Donald, like you
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 6: have kids, and then it's like, oh, we got to
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 6: be really strategic about this. There's there's specific windows of
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 6: time that we can and can't have sex, and it's
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 6: so important to be able to talk about that. And
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 6: you know, ideally before you have kids and maybe you know,
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 6: while she's pregnant and really right at the beginning, so
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 6: you can really acknowledge like, yeah, this isn't going to
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 6: be like it used to be before, because if you
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 6: don't talk about it, what happens is you just end
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 6: up kind of feeling resentful, like, hey, it's not fair,
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 6: it's not like it used to be. But the reality
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 6: is is going to change.
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: And it's so.
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 6: Helpful to be able to acknowledge that and then talk about, Okay,
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 6: what is our plan for sex? You know, maybe it's
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 6: not something that can just happen anymore. We have to
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 6: make it happen. So when are we going to make
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 6: it happen? What are the windows of time that are
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 6: good for us, what are the windows of time that
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 6: are bad for us? And how do we structure all
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 6: the responsibilities in the schedule so that we can make
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 6: it happen on a more regular basis.
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 2: I want to just circle back to the other side
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 2: of things. I had asked you, what do women most
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 2: commonly say that they wish men understood? If I could
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 2: ask you the opposite, now, what do men most often say?
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 2: One of the things I think you touched on is
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 2: that they're expected to always be the horning one and initiate,
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 2: and that, of course, is something we've already crossed. But
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 2: what else do you think that men would say, I
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 2: wish my partner, my girlfriend, my wife understood this about
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 2: my sexuality.
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 6: I think the number one thing that men would love
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 6: women to know is that when men want to have sex,
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 6: it's because they want to feel emotional connection with their partner.
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 6: It's not because they're just horny and you know, they
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 6: have an itch, they got a scratch. I think that's
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 6: one of the biggest things that men get misunderstood by,
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 6: you know, the female partners, just like, oh, he just
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 6: wants to get off. And the reality is most men
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 6: haven't been socialized to know how to have really solid
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 6: emotional connection outside of sex. Sex is one of the
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 6: number one ways that we feel comfortable opening up and
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 6: being vulnerable and expressing our love. And so when we
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 6: are trying to have sex, it's not because we're just horny.
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 6: It's because that's part of it, but that's the whole thing. Yeah,
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 6: But it's not like, oh, I just want to have
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 6: sex with anybody. It's like, I want to have sex
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 6: with you because I love you, and that's how I
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 6: show you that.
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 2: I love you.
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 5: And I'll piggyback off of that too. Like I think
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 5: men want women to be excited about intimacy too. A
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 5: lot of men are like, I don't want to just
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 5: have sex to my partner, Like, I want to have
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 5: an experience together. I want to know that she wants me,
• 1:07:55
  Speaker 5: that she wants to do this, that she's excited. So
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 5: don't just like we're good. Yeah, Like men don't want
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 5: they don't really want you to just throw them a bone,
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 5: like they want you to participate in this experience with them.
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a thing. There's a thing called mercy fuck
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: and that's not on anybody's list of enjoyable. Yeah, that's
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: like please, no, thank you. No.
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 5: Yeah. Men, I think like men can tell, and I
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 5: think that's something women don't realize, is we think like,
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 5: oh okay, yeah.
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 1: I think women can tell too. Though I think not
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: only can men tell, women can tell when the dude's
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: not into it, you know what I mean.
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know you want.
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: To talk about rejection. Shit, you think a guy that
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: guys are not used to getting rejected. Imagine being a
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 1: being a woman and being like I want to fuck
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: and the dude being like, nah, that's not to feel
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 1: like shit.
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 2: Well that's what happens. I mean obviously, that's one thing
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 2: they were talking about earlier, is that this stairy type
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 2: that the man feels like he's always got to be
• 1:09:03
  Speaker 2: the one who's who's down for it, and and you know,
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 2: you're someone who is clearly always down for it. But
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of men out there who
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 2: are like who who who break the stereotype? And you're like,
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I'm tired, I'm not in the mood tonight.
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 2: And then that there's a shame for the man of like,
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 2: oh am I not Am I not masculine enough? Because
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 2: I don't feel.
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: What about the woman who has to deal with that?
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 1: Who has to You know, that's a that's a real
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 1: strong blow to an ego. You're you're supposed to be
• 1:09:35
  Speaker 1: the one that that's desired, you know what I mean, stereotypically,
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, you throw yourself out
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: there and you make yourself vulnerable and he says, nah,
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not I don't I don't want to do that. Yeah,
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 1: imagine you know, the whole conversation is everything. You know,
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 1: what I heard from my wife was my wife wants
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 1: you know, she's not There's a part of it that's
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 1: also she wants she wants to feel attractive in this
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 1: situation too. And if she doesn't feel that because of
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 1: all of the things that are going on in her mind,
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 1: she you know, if she doesn't feel that, then she's
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 1: not going to perform the way she wants to perform. Right.
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: So imagine saying to somebody, now you're begging for sex
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 1: with a dude, and he's like, nah, I'm not in
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: the mood. I don't want to do it, you know
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 1: what I mean.
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 2: We need to wrap up soon, but I want to
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 2: know this is too good an I want to end
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 2: on something. Donald was very excited to talk a little
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 2: bit about ass play, and he has a famous I'm
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 2: going to play you end of the show. I don't
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 2: want to. It's like, I don't want to end the
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 2: episode without Donald getting to ask his questions about ask play.
• 1:10:39
  Speaker 2: But this is a famous SoundBite we play on our show.
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 1: Whether it be taking a poop, whether it be a finger,
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: whether it be a tongue, whether you know, everybody likes
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 1: a little ass play.
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 2: Now I'm not sure that that that's true, but that
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 2: is Donald's perspective. I wanted to read a little bit
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 2: from your guide if I can. This is from the
• 1:10:58
  Speaker 2: four Play Guide Penis edition, it says venture back Door.
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 2: Gay and bimen are usually pretty clued into the delights
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 2: of the Anus, but straight guys can be more squeamish
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 2: since the anus is still pretty taboo in our society.
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 2: But the anis has tons of nerve endings and feels
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 2: good for people of all genders and orientations. So can
• 1:11:21
  Speaker 2: you speak to that? Since Donald, I'm excited for that.
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: Okay, not you.
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 2: I'm not asking you to speak to it. I'm asking them.
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: I got more questions to go on top of that.
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: That's all I know.
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 2: But the show is usually an hour long time, but
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 2: go ahead, guys, not this one.
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 5: Yeah, we have a we have a whole separate butt
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 5: stuff guide because we really want to encourage people to
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 5: explore back door. Like, it's really frustrating that there is
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 5: still this taboo around anal play, especially for straight men,
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 5: because we just have we all have nerve endings there.
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 5: It doesn't matter who you like to have sex with,
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 5: we just all have those nerve endings there. So yeah,
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 5: we really walk you through all the different ways to play.
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 5: And I'm glad that Donald has its great little sound
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 5: clip because I think one of the big misconceptions that
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 5: people have is we think the only way to do
• 1:12:09
  Speaker 5: it is to have intercourse, Like there has to be
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 5: something going into the butt, like a you know, penis
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 5: or a toy or something like that. But fingers, tongues,
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 5: like just a little play around the outside can be
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 5: really fun. It can be a great way to like
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 5: just play around with it initially and see, like do
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 5: I like this? Do I want to go a little
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 5: bit further? So fingers are a great starting point.
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: Okay, do you recommend washcloth in the ass before this stuff?
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 5: You do not need to do anything special. Definitely don't
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 5: shove a washcloth out there. Things like you can take
• 1:12:45
  Speaker 5: a shower beforehand, especially if you're like brand new to this,
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 5: you're feeling a little bit nervous, you're screamish about the cleanliness.
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 5: But don't go up into your ass, like just wash
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 5: on the outside, very gentle. So wash cloth, I'm really.
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 2: You know how they say don't put it now? They
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 2: say don't put a cute tip in your ear canal.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 2: Don't you know.
• 1:13:07
  Speaker 1: Everybody puts the Q tip in their your canal? So
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 1: I know, I don't know if this is good advice.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 5: You can clean up a little bit back there for sure,
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 5: you don't have to, but it will probably help you
• 1:13:19
  Speaker 5: feel a little bit more comfortable.
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 6: But regardless of regardless of what amount of cleanup you
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 6: do or don't do, you always want to make sure
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 6: that you are never touching the vagina or the volva
• 1:13:30
  Speaker 6: with the same finger or hand that you are touching
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 6: the Bible.
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't go from ass to Okay, so that
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 1: down donald, Wait, hold on, so that.
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 5: Is vagina to ask, but not from ass to vagina.
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 1: So once you go ass, let's go clean. Yes, and
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: then we can go vagina again.
• 1:13:48
  Speaker 2: Right, because that will cause obviously infections or bacteria in
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 2: the vaginal canal right.
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 5: Yes, correct?
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, well people you need.
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 2: To write that down down well.
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: No, because they ain't allowed to ask. Play over here, baby,
• 1:14:00
  Speaker 1: Oh the thing is.
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 2: Well, once you put your washcloth, maybe things will change.
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 6: Yeah, you've been doing it wrong this whole time.
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 1: That's what it is. That's what it is.
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 2: Do you think that men are are I mean, this
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 2: is obviously something that's in in porn more and more,
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 2: But do you think that like it feels like there's
• 1:14:18
  Speaker 2: this cultural shift to straight men being more open to this.
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 5: M h, Yeah, and I love that because again, it's
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 5: like anal play has no orientation to it, Like it's
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 5: just really unfortunate that we've made this connotation with it,
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 5: like we always we always talk about like, Okay, sure
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 5: there are lots of gay men who love anal sex.
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 5: You know what else, lots of gay men love blowjobs.
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 5: Anybody calling it like a guy who loves blowjobs, like, oh,
• 1:14:46
  Speaker 5: he's secretly gay, he's really into those blowjobs, Like of
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 5: course not, so we have to take away the really
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 5: silly taboo around it. But yeah, I'm glad to see
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 5: more straightmen feeling more open to exploring back door.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 2: All right, well, thank you guys. This has been incredible
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 2: and I just want to thank you, and I hope
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 2: you'll come back with we could do a whole other hour.
• 1:15:07
  Speaker 1: We're going to do the homework.
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I'd love to hear how it goes with you guys.
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 5: I appreciate you guys sharing your story and being so vulnerable,
• 1:15:14
  Speaker 5: and I'm happy to come back and do a little
• 1:15:17
  Speaker 5: check up.
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 2: And will you please plug both things again, because I
• 1:15:21
  Speaker 2: really do think if you're listening to this, this guide
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 2: is really no joke. It's there's both one for penis
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 2: and vaginas. It's very informative. I'm learning. Oh there's also
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 2: a butt one I don't have that. I wasn't sent
• 1:15:32
  Speaker 2: that one. But tell everyone how they.
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 5: We can send you the butt one.
• 1:15:36
  Speaker 2: Give me, give me the works, I want the pull package.
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 2: But tell our audience how they can not only get
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 2: your guides, but the book that you guys wrote together.
• 1:15:43
  Speaker 5: So they can head over to vmtherapy dot com, v
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 5: M T H E r A p y dot com
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 5: to find the ultimate four play Guides, Next Level Intercourse,
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 5: Butt Stuff, Dirty Talk, the Art of Initiation, the Sex Challenges.
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 5: We have so much fun stuff to check out there.
• 1:15:59
  Speaker 6: And if you want to pick up the book, you
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 6: can get that at sextalksbook dot com and it has
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 6: links to all the retailers. Once you buy the book,
• 1:16:08
  Speaker 6: if you go back to that page and fill out
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 6: a quick little form with your order info, we'll send
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 6: you a free workbook that goes along with the books
• 1:16:14
  Speaker 6: so that you can get as the most out of
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 6: it possible.
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 5: And then we're also super active on Instagram. We're at
• 1:16:20
  Speaker 5: Vanessa and Xander and Xander is spelled with an X,
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 5: so all of the things are linked there as well,
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 5: and we put out a lot of like stories every
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 5: day talking about sex relationships, giving you all the tools
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 5: and techniques.
• 1:16:33
  Speaker 1: So there's a work book to the book.
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 2: Also, do you fill it out while you're having sex
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 2: or do you have to wait while when you're done.
• 1:16:40
  Speaker 5: Yes, while you're having sex, you're like, please fill out
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 5: the workbook.
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 2: This feels nice.
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 1: Give me the.
• 1:16:50
  Speaker 5: Feel clinical at all? Yeah, you can just get a
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 5: little clipboard, like pin it to the headboard. And you know,
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 5: now we do we do not advocate taking notes during sex,
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 5: but the work can be helpful outside of the bedroom.
• 1:17:02
  Speaker 2: All Right, you guys, thank you so much for coming on.
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 2: We really appreciate you.
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 1: Underous applause, Daniel, that was great. Casey really liked that man.
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: That was the first time she ever left here, not
• 1:17:18
  Speaker 1: being like I mean she wanted to sit down and
• 1:17:21
  Speaker 1: stay and then when it was over, she but when
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 1: it was when you were like we got to move on,
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 1: I could tell she was like, shit, I got so
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 1: many more questions.
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 2: You know, they were available for hire. Donald, you could
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 2: have a private.
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm gonna be honest with you. Absolutely, I
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 1: think everybody should go to some form of therapy in
• 1:17:39
  Speaker 1: their life, and so that is something that maybe Casey
• 1:17:42
  Speaker 1: and I will explore. But first of all, Joelle, kudos
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 1: to getting them.
• 1:17:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, great, Yes, Joe. By the way, I want to say,
• 1:17:50
  Speaker 2: you know, we're looking for people to develop podcasts for
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 2: we should develop a podcast for them. They're incredible.
• 1:17:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, they could talk forever about the sex, you know.
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 2: And then you could have you could have couples come
• 1:18:01
  Speaker 2: on and and and share their story and have them
• 1:18:04
  Speaker 2: give them advice. I would. I think that would be
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 2: very popular. I agree, Joelle. Don't you.
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: Do they have a podcast already.
• 1:18:13
  Speaker 4: I they do Instagram videos and they went TikTok viral
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 4: after she said that, they posted a video about how
• 1:18:19
  Speaker 4: they make out every day as a way to, like you,
• 1:18:21
  Speaker 4: spark alive in their relationship. That Yeah, yeah, totally.
• 1:18:26
  Speaker 2: Stephanie sent me that video and I was like, we're.
• 1:18:30
  Speaker 1: That's actually a really good one right there. Yeah right.
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 2: And also I just think like people love hearing that
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 2: they're not alone and they have X y Z. Everybody
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 2: has the same issues, and that's why I think that
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 2: the episode is good because so many things we talked
• 1:18:43
  Speaker 2: about people are going to want to talk about.
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 1: I think that's why Casey responded the way she responded too,
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 1: because she's like, oh shit, it's not just me. She said,
• 1:18:51
  Speaker 1: she was like, this is classic. This is a classic
• 1:18:53
  Speaker 1: case of and there was a there was a remedy
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 1: for what Casey's ailment was and my ailment was, and
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 1: it wasn't. It didn't make us feel like we were alone.
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 1: And that's that's perfect example that Zach. Absolutely bro let's
• 1:19:11
  Speaker 1: take a break.
• 1:19:11
  Speaker 2: We'll be right back after these fine words.
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 1: This segment of Fake Doctor's Real Friends is brought to
• 1:19:23
  Speaker 1: you by T Mobile five G Home Internet, protecting you
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 1: from exploding bills with the price lock guarantee.
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 2: Visit t mobile dot com slash Zach to check availability.
• 1:19:33
  Speaker 1: Hry hold up man, that's your name all right?
• 1:19:36
  Speaker 2: And now Joelle, what do you have for us?
• 1:19:38
  Speaker 4: We got some letters. I thought we took a little
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 4: a quick mail bag, so I pulled three letters.
• 1:19:42
  Speaker 1: They're really sweet.
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 4: Our first one comes from September Quinn September Rights. First,
• 1:19:47
  Speaker 4: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed the podcast
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 4: throughout the years. I never laughed so hard as I
• 1:19:51
  Speaker 4: did with all the antics and observations of you guys.
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 4: This is the first time I've emailed. At first, I
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 4: was bummed that you had to stop talking about Scrubs
• 1:19:58
  Speaker 4: episodes with a strike going on. But I have really
• 1:20:01
  Speaker 4: enjoyed the episodes in the meantime. Hearing from different people
• 1:20:04
  Speaker 4: like Elizabeth Banks, the Vagina doctor Adam about the writer's
• 1:20:07
  Speaker 4: strike and now Andy about alcohol has been great. I
• 1:20:10
  Speaker 4: was really excited when I opened up the pod to
• 1:20:12
  Speaker 4: day and saw Andy was going to be on Long story.
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 4: Short years ago I got involved with his group one
• 1:20:17
  Speaker 4: year No Beer took their challenge to go alcohol free
• 1:20:19
  Speaker 4: for twenty eight days, then three months, then a year.
• 1:20:22
  Speaker 4: Andy and his group helped change my relationship with alcohol.
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 4: I haven't been drink in years and I seldom drink
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 4: alcohol now. It really is a healthy, life changing concept.
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 4: I enjoyed the points they all brought up in the episode.
• 1:20:33
  Speaker 4: I just wanted to say thanks for having him on,
• 1:20:35
  Speaker 4: as well as all the other guests. Perhaps when the
• 1:20:37
  Speaker 4: reviews of Sorry, Perhaps when the review of the episodes
• 1:20:40
  Speaker 4: are finished, they can continue to make a podcast just
• 1:20:43
  Speaker 4: like this with different perspectives on a lot of different things,
• 1:20:45
  Speaker 4: particularly in regards to health, lifestyle, mental health, et cetera.
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 4: To keep in line with the Scrubs theme. It's really
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 4: these kinds of things mixed in with kind of humor
• 1:20:53
  Speaker 4: Zach and Donald bring to everything. Thanks again for a
• 1:20:55
  Speaker 4: great show.
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 2: September, Quinn, that was September. First of all, I never
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 2: met someone named September. That's a great name. That is
• 1:21:00
  Speaker 2: exactly what Donald and I are feeling. And I'm getting
• 1:21:03
  Speaker 2: this kind of feedback all over the place, people really
• 1:21:06
  Speaker 2: loving it. And just in time, Donald, because you know,
• 1:21:09
  Speaker 2: Donald and I have been brainstorming of what the show
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 2: is going to be, as you guys all know, because
• 1:21:13
  Speaker 2: we made it a part of the show, and the
• 1:21:15
  Speaker 2: strike has forced us to start doing some of the
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 2: things that we wanted to do, which was to bring on,
• 1:21:21
  Speaker 2: you know, interesting people. And I'm just so glad that
• 1:21:24
  Speaker 2: people are liking it. My assistant Mark actually said to me,
• 1:21:27
  Speaker 2: he goes to be honest, I'm liking the show so
• 1:21:30
  Speaker 2: much more. But I don't think that he was necessarily
• 1:21:32
  Speaker 2: a Scrubs viewer, But for him, he's really loving these episodes.
• 1:21:38
  Speaker 1: I love it too. I'm just as a host of
• 1:21:41
  Speaker 1: the show, I love it too. You know, we were
• 1:21:44
  Speaker 1: just talking about switching it up in the bedroom. Sometimes
• 1:21:46
  Speaker 1: it's nice to switch it up and talk about other things.
• 1:21:49
  Speaker 1: I do miss talking about that show we were on,
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean that I can't talk about.
• 1:21:53
  Speaker 1: I do miss talking about you know, I do miss
• 1:21:57
  Speaker 1: having some of the guests that were on the show.
• 1:22:00
  Speaker 1: That's something we can do. Also having your guests with
• 1:22:03
  Speaker 1: you know, bring Sarah Chalk on and Sarah Chalk talks
• 1:22:05
  Speaker 1: to the vagina doctor.
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 2: I'd love to hear Sarah talk up to the vagina doctor.
• 1:22:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what I mean. So, you know, maybe
• 1:22:13
  Speaker 1: that's what it is. Also, I don't know. All I
• 1:22:15
  Speaker 1: know is I like what we're doing right now. Also,
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 1: and the strike. As much as I want to get
• 1:22:21
  Speaker 1: back to work and I understand why we're striking and stuff,
• 1:22:24
  Speaker 1: I do like the fact that we were able to
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 1: pivot and find something else that was interesting and it
• 1:22:31
  Speaker 1: turns out that it's a bunch of things, you know
• 1:22:33
  Speaker 1: what I mean? Yeah, you know, I like the idea
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 1: of us still being fake doctors and real friends, but
• 1:22:40
  Speaker 1: just talking about other things.
• 1:22:41
  Speaker 2: Well, we don't have. The good news is it's we
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 2: don't have that many more Scrubs episodes, right, Joel. I
• 1:22:45
  Speaker 2: mean we have the.
• 1:22:46
  Speaker 1: Trial for news that's bad news.
• 1:22:48
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm just saying. What I meant to say is
• 1:22:51
  Speaker 2: it's good news that we're finding a way to keep
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 2: the pod going because we enjoy it so much. Because
• 1:22:57
  Speaker 2: Scrubs episodes wise, when the scrape, when the strike is over.
• 1:23:01
  Speaker 2: I know we have the twelve episodes from season nine.
• 1:23:03
  Speaker 2: How many do we have left in season eight?
• 1:23:05
  Speaker 4: Oh gosh, I don't remember off the top of my head,
• 1:23:07
  Speaker 4: but not that many. I think we're about halfway a
• 1:23:09
  Speaker 4: little over halfway, all right.
• 1:23:11
  Speaker 2: So maybe there's I don't know, seventeen or so episodes left. Yeah,
• 1:23:15
  Speaker 2: there are eight left in the season we haven't covered,
• 1:23:18
  Speaker 2: all right, So by my mask, that's twenty episodes of
• 1:23:22
  Speaker 2: Scrubs rewatch left.
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 1: You know what you should play? The more you know?
• 1:23:27
  Speaker 1: Sound song? Right there, Daniel, No, you know what you
• 1:23:33
  Speaker 1: I wish we could play that the Scrubs same Do
• 1:23:35
  Speaker 1: Do Do?
• 1:23:35
  Speaker 4: Do? Do? Do?
• 1:23:39
  Speaker 2: All right? Thank you, September, go ahead, Joelle.
• 1:23:41
  Speaker 4: All right. Our next letter comes from Rob Rob right,
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 4: heysz Ecdonald. I thought the two of you might get
• 1:23:49
  Speaker 4: a kick out of this.
• 1:23:50
  Speaker 1: Here's what he said, so as.
• 1:23:53
  Speaker 8: A sure excellent blood shoving you some scrubs Scrubs today
• 1:23:57
  Speaker 8: and it's simply.
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 2: Guy love.
• 1:24:02
  Speaker 8: And I can tell you this seemed like a much
• 1:24:04
  Speaker 8: better idea of actually having to do this right now. Anyway,
• 1:24:10
  Speaker 8: it goes a little something like this, it's guy love.
• 1:24:15
  Speaker 2: That solid is skuy love.
• 1:24:18
  Speaker 8: He's not loved his There's nothing gay about it in
• 1:24:23
  Speaker 8: our eyes. And when I say I love you, Dan,
• 1:24:28
  Speaker 8: it's not what it implies in sky love. It'sten to guy.
• 1:24:43
  Speaker 2: Nice. It's the best man toast. So yeah.
• 1:24:47
  Speaker 4: So the rest of his letter says, this is a
• 1:24:48
  Speaker 4: short clip for my best man speech over the weekend
• 1:24:50
  Speaker 4: for my best friend of over twenty years, Dan. We
• 1:24:53
  Speaker 4: spent literally hundreds of hours bending scrubs in our teenage years,
• 1:24:56
  Speaker 4: and I can think of no quote, poem, or reading
• 1:24:58
  Speaker 4: morphitting to sum up my feelings toward the grooms and
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 4: an addition of guy love. This question performance was preceded
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 4: by a brief synopsis of Scrubs and an explanation of
• 1:25:07
  Speaker 4: why Turk and JD's relationships resonated with us so much.
• 1:25:10
  Speaker 4: It's like I married my best friend, but in a
• 1:25:12
  Speaker 4: totally manly way. Thanks for endless hours of entertainment throughout
• 1:25:15
  Speaker 4: the years and providing the perfect musical number to send
• 1:25:17
  Speaker 4: my buddy off into married life. He is a turk
• 1:25:19
  Speaker 4: to my JD. Greetings from across the pond, Rob from London.
• 1:25:23
  Speaker 2: Oh that's very sweet, Rob, very sweet, and thank you
• 1:25:27
  Speaker 2: for loving the show. And uh and by the way,
• 1:25:30
  Speaker 2: a great idea if you're if you if you have
• 1:25:32
  Speaker 2: to give the best man speech and you have no
• 1:25:34
  Speaker 2: idea what you're going to do, just sing a little
• 1:25:37
  Speaker 2: little bit of guy love. Hell yeah right, Donald.
• 1:25:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I want to say one thing that took
• 1:25:47
  Speaker 1: guts to do in front of that whole family.
• 1:25:51
  Speaker 2: That like, and they weren't the warmest crowd like.
• 1:25:54
  Speaker 1: That, and they were not the warmest crowd crowd kind
• 1:25:57
  Speaker 1: of they were kind of like they were kind of
• 1:25:59
  Speaker 1: laughing at him, like all right, wrap this shit up.
• 1:26:02
  Speaker 2: But right, I'm always so nervous when the best man
• 1:26:05
  Speaker 2: gives a speech, though, aren't you, because I've never seen one.
• 1:26:08
  Speaker 1: First of all, you crushed your best man's speech. That
• 1:26:11
  Speaker 1: shit was that ship was so good that Look all
• 1:26:14
  Speaker 1: the writers and there were some pretty big time writers
• 1:26:19
  Speaker 1: at my wedding to Miss Casey Cobb, all of them
• 1:26:24
  Speaker 1: were like, Yo, this motherfucker just killed it. Yeah, we
• 1:26:29
  Speaker 1: crushed that speech and you didn't sing guy love to
• 1:26:32
  Speaker 1: crush it no.
• 1:26:32
  Speaker 2: But I'm I'm a comedy writer. I think that for
• 1:26:35
  Speaker 2: this guy to need something to vulnerable. Yes, it was
• 1:26:39
  Speaker 2: vulnerable and it was sweet and good. Good job, good job.
• 1:26:43
  Speaker 4: All right, So this last one is a video and
• 1:26:46
  Speaker 4: Daniel will fix it for our listeners. And I'm going
• 1:26:48
  Speaker 4: to caution everyone on the calls, just turn your falling
• 1:26:50
  Speaker 4: down a little bit, just a little bit. It shouldn't
• 1:26:54
  Speaker 4: be a blowout, but just just a little caution. So
• 1:26:56
  Speaker 4: this letter is from Dan. He says, Hi, guys, I'm
• 1:26:59
  Speaker 4: a bit late, but I remember you talking about todd
• 1:27:01
  Speaker 4: Time website and how it wasn't up anymore. Well, for
• 1:27:04
  Speaker 4: reasons i'd rather not get into, I have the video
• 1:27:07
  Speaker 4: saved to my phone. So here it is, in all
• 1:27:08
  Speaker 4: its banana hammock glory.
• 1:27:12
  Speaker 9: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Oh my, hey,
• 1:28:01
  Speaker 9: thanks you stopped by the side.
• 1:28:06
  Speaker 2: I mean, we have to describe to the audience that
• 1:28:08
  Speaker 2: that noise was rob oiled up in a banana hammock
• 1:28:12
  Speaker 2: in front of the old er entrance with the ramp
• 1:28:15
  Speaker 2: to Sacred Heart, and he was posing, uh and.
• 1:28:19
  Speaker 1: He was flexing.
• 1:28:20
  Speaker 2: He was flexing, but I mean he was posing like
• 1:28:22
  Speaker 2: a weight looks like a bodybuilder, and then he was yeah,
• 1:28:26
  Speaker 2: and then he was there was a section where he
• 1:28:28
  Speaker 2: was air humping.
• 1:28:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you could see that there was a lot
• 1:28:32
  Speaker 1: of shaft There was a.
• 1:28:33
  Speaker 2: Lot of shafts bouncing in the banana hammock. I could
• 1:28:37
  Speaker 2: see with Joel, I need that video. So you're telling
• 1:28:40
  Speaker 2: me when you used to go to Rob's website, that
• 1:28:42
  Speaker 2: was just auto play. That was just the only thing
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 2: on the side.
• 1:28:45
  Speaker 4: That was the times from an episode. I wish I
• 1:28:47
  Speaker 4: could remember which specific episode it was. There's an episode
• 1:28:50
  Speaker 4: where that's like go to todd time dot com.
• 1:28:52
  Speaker 2: Oh, so in the episode we got the we we
• 1:28:56
  Speaker 2: got the domain and put that up. Joelle, can you
• 1:28:59
  Speaker 2: send me that video. I need to send that to
• 1:29:01
  Speaker 2: Bill and I'm going to send that to Johnny C
• 1:29:04
  Speaker 2: and Sarah.
• 1:29:05
  Speaker 4: And social so everyone can see it too.
• 1:29:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, please put it on on our socials. We don't
• 1:29:14
  Speaker 2: even have a fake doctors.
• 1:29:15
  Speaker 4: We don't have I was thinking maybe we should create
• 1:29:16
  Speaker 4: an Instagram or something.
• 1:29:18
  Speaker 2: Well, I appairly use socials anymore, but Joelle and Daniel
• 1:29:21
  Speaker 2: will put it on there so you guys can see.
• 1:29:23
  Speaker 2: If you don't mind you guys putting on your.
• 1:29:25
  Speaker 1: Social socials all animation. Now animation in my case?
• 1:29:28
  Speaker 2: Oh really, we didn't notice.
• 1:29:31
  Speaker 1: I thought you weren't on social you wouldn't notice.
• 1:29:33
  Speaker 2: When I am I turn it on. All I see
• 1:29:36
  Speaker 2: is you making a guide jump Zach and Donald newlyweds
• 1:29:40
  Speaker 2: in house arrest thanks to Mobile. If you're over exploding
• 1:29:46
  Speaker 2: internet bills, visit T mobile dot com slash Zach and
• 1:29:48
  Speaker 2: find out how new and existing customers get T mobiles
• 1:29:52
  Speaker 2: price lock guarantee for home Internet. All right, what a show?
• 1:30:01
  Speaker 2: I need to go. I need to go the cold
• 1:30:03
  Speaker 2: plunge and cool off.
• 1:30:05
  Speaker 1: I don't want to cool off. I want to heat up.
• 1:30:07
  Speaker 1: It's time to flame it.
• 1:30:08
  Speaker 2: Didn't you learn any lessons? You better go do the
• 1:30:10
  Speaker 2: dishes and fucking start dusting.
• 1:30:11
  Speaker 1: My guy, I'm gonna freak. Not only that now, Look
• 1:30:15
  Speaker 1: your play is the new.
• 1:30:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's good. You're gonna write that down on
• 1:30:22
  Speaker 2: your whiteboard. All right, audience, thank you for tuning in,
• 1:30:25
  Speaker 2: and we hope you learned something. And check out that
• 1:30:28
  Speaker 2: guide because I gotta tell you it's quite informative. I'm
• 1:30:31
  Speaker 2: learning a lot. I'm learning a lot.
• 1:30:35
  Speaker 1: You get to apply it.
• 1:30:36
  Speaker 2: I'm going to apply it to you. I hope I
• 1:30:39
  Speaker 2: get to apply it to you. This section I want
• 1:30:42
  Speaker 2: to apply to you. I want to read it to you.
• 1:30:44
  Speaker 1: Go ahead, get it.
• 1:30:45
  Speaker 2: Donald. I'm going to end with something from the from
• 1:30:48
  Speaker 2: the guide.
• 1:30:49
  Speaker 1: Just to give everybody a nice little.
• 1:30:53
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:30:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is this is this part is what we
• 1:30:56
  Speaker 1: call happy ending, y'all.
• 1:30:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is your happy ending. Okay. If your partner
• 1:31:02
  Speaker 2: doesn't know, or if you don't want to ask them,
• 1:31:03
  Speaker 2: it's best to start with indirect stimulation and the move
• 1:31:06
  Speaker 2: we call the tornado. By the way, they should I
• 1:31:10
  Speaker 2: should do the audiobook for this. For these, I'm gonna
• 1:31:17
  Speaker 2: read you from the guide. By the way, Joelle, please
• 1:31:19
  Speaker 2: tell them that if they need me to do the audiobook,
• 1:31:21
  Speaker 2: I'm available. Start off by slowly and very gently circling
• 1:31:26
  Speaker 2: your partner's clatorus with your pointer finger without directly touching it.
• 1:31:30
  Speaker 2: This is your first time getting anywhere. This is your
• 1:31:34
  Speaker 2: first time getting anywhere close to the clatorus, so remember
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 2: that it's best to be very gentle at first. Plus
• 1:31:41
  Speaker 2: this will continue to feel like a tease. Make your
• 1:31:44
  Speaker 2: circles tighter and tighter until you start ringing against made
• 1:31:56
  Speaker 2: a bunch of.
• 1:32:00
  Speaker 5: Amy.
• 1:32:00
  Speaker 1: I said, he's a stormy net all should know.
• 1:32:05
  Speaker 8: So.
• 1:32:06
  Speaker 1: Gadder Rad, you here, up Gatherer Rad, you here obscure
• 1:32:11
  Speaker 1: your wiz and no