Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Lessons, Learning & Reminders on Life, Relationships & Divorce from 2023

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Lessons, Learning & Reminders on Life, Relationships & Divorce from 2023 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Today on the podcast, as we slide on in to the end of 2023, I thought I would share some reflections.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Life, relationship, divorce, lessons, and reminders from 2023.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Reflections, learnings, lessons, and reminders that landed for me personally, for some of you, for my clients, about life, love, relationships, and of course about divorce.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I sat down to journal on some of these and they just kind of poured out of me.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I would start with a list of, you know, 23 lessons from 2023, but it didn't kind of pan out like that.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a little more, it's a little more than that, it's a little less than that.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um there's not 2023, there's not 23 of them.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but as I went back over my notes and my journal reflections, they were sort of grouped and themed.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So as I said, some of these are my own personal learnings and lessons and reminders, relearnings, um, and some of them are from clients or community.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the first one I want to share is that stepping over your own knowing will eventually catch up with you.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping over your own knowing will eventually catch up with you.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever we ignore our inner voice, our intuition, our own knowing, whenever we step over or around what we deep down know to be true, it has a way of catching up with us or catching up to us.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: If we ignore things in relationships, and that's any relationship, be it with a parent, a sibling, a lover, an intimate partner, a friend, whenever we ignore things in relationships, whenever we step over what we know, when we allow ourselves to remain quiet, eventually, eventually it will rise up in a way that you are no longer able to dodge around or step over or minimize or ignore.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping over your own knowing will eventually catch up with you.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Second reminder from 2023 is that connection matters.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Connection matters deeply, and friends are everything.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've been really fortunate this year to travel to visit two of my closest, bestest friends, um, and also hang out and be cared for and care for and and spend time with those closer to home.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a real salve and a joy, especially the traveling part.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you do get to choose who you surround yourself with in life, in love, in relationships, through a separation, through divorce, as you rebuild life afterwards.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Connection really, really matters, and who you connect with, who you choose to surround yourself with is key for your life, for your mental, for emotional well-being, for your harmony, for your happiness.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And disconnection is also important.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: The way we choose to disconnect, the way we choose to release from relationships and connections that no longer work, that no longer serve who we are and who we're becoming, that are no longer healthy for us, even if that's a long-term friendship, even if it's a family member, even if it's a partner, a life partner, it involves the dismantling of a marriage.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is sometimes necessary to let go of connections, of people, of relationships, and a new chapter of life, a new year, reclaiming and liberating yourself after a divorce can be one of those key moments when you actively consciously choose to let go.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And in this context, I'm not talking about the person that you're separating or divorcing from, I'm talking about other connections that are no longer aligned with who you are or who you're growing and expanding into being.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: A key moment in life, like a divorce, like the end of a year and a new beginning of an the beginning of a new year, can actually be a time where we re-evaluate our connections.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So connection matters.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Choose your connections consciously, and if you need to disconnect, choose that consciously too.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Next lesson learning reminder from 2023 bravery is rewarded.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Doing scary, stretchy stuff is liberating.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Being brave, doing something outside of your comfort zone, doing something that scares the absolute shit out of you is scary, yes, but it's also liberating.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've worked with me one-on-one, if you've been here for a while, you already know this.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I encourage all of my clients to do this, to be brave, to lean into those stretchy, scary things.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, separation divorce is one of those, but that's not the only thing I'm encouraging my clients to lean into.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the only stretchy, scary thing I'm encouraging my clients and you to lean into.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this year, I really, really leant into it to my into it myself again.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it was a 2023 was a reminder to me, lean into the scary stuff, be brave because it's liberating.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: 2023 reminded me that being brave is liberating and rewarding.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you follow me on Instagram, you might already know that this year I took the brave step and took some burlesque dance classes.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, there is nothing quite like dancing on a stage to a packed audience in not very much to scare the absolute crap out of you.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Being brave, doing something fun that also scares the crap out of you is liberating.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you that dancing on your stage in my underwear was equal parts liberating and terrifying, but oh so very worth it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Bravery is rewarded, doing scary stuff is liberating.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Going solo, leaving a long-term partnership, leaving a relationship is scary and it's liberating.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Going to things by yourself, movies, a restaurant, a party, a concert or a play, a weekend away, a holiday, it's scary and it's liberating all at once.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also all yours.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's no compromise.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to compromise discuss.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's all yours.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Bravery, doing scary, stretchy stuff is liberating.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Bravery is rewarded.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Another reminder for me personally and also for clients from 2023 is parents remain connected.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Parents remain connected even after divorce.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: As parents, we remain connected even after divorce, even a long time after divorce.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we divorced in 2020, um, and probably separated a couple years prior to that.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And even through 2023, even through this year, we've had discussions, negotiations, we'd shared experiences, and we've had to remain connected on some level.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, some days, sometimes, and for some of you, I know it would feel easier to not have to maintain or manage that connection, but it exists.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: We remain connected to each other, you remain connected with your ex by the children you've brought into the world.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And 2023 reminded me of that quite a few times.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So managing that connection in whatever the healthiest way for you is is really important.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Having boundaries, having strategies, making smart communication choices, having conflict de-escalation skills is really important because regardless of whether you are living in one house or separated, divorced, parents remain connected.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Next reminder from 2023 the ocean, the mountains, nature, music, whatever it is for you, heals.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever is your go-to, for me, it's the ocean.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: It'll always be the water.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, so too can standing barefoot in the grass in the backyard.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: It might for you be the mountains or somewhere else in the natural world.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nature heals, music also heals.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is that fills your heart and fills your soul and takes you away from the busyness, from the noise, it reminds you to be in this moment, be here, be now.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: That is healing and it's powerful.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's simple, but it's healing and it's powerful, and there is beauty in every single day, even in the trenches, even in the messy middle of separation and divorce.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: There is beauty in every day if you look for it.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not being dismissive of anyone who's navigating really big stuff, but there really is beauty in every day if you look for it, and there is healing on offer if you choose to tap into the simple beauty that is present in every day, and I have been reminded personally about this, or been reminded to do this each day as I've navigated 2023.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: So, whatever it is for you, whatever is healing, find your ocean, find what helps, soothes, holds, and heals you.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, the ocean heals for you.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Find what heals for you.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Next reminder good people don't always do good things, or don't always make good choices, and also there is a deep power in apology.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Good people sometimes do dumb things, make mistakes, slip up, have bad moments or bad days, don't always make smart decisions or choices or behave in ways that are aligned with their highest, best, goodest self.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Good people don't always do good things.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they say or type or post a little thoughtlessly or without considering or thinking it all the way through, not necessarily with malicious intent.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people just make mistakes, errors of judgment, do dumb things.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe, and maybe you've been that person.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I know I have.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I commented on an Instagram post recently in a really flippant way, and the intent behind my comment was cle completely misread.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It landed really badly, and on reflection, I could absolutely see why.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you've been that person too.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Good people don't always do good or great things, and good people own and apologize when they don't.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: There is deep power and healing in apology, in a being in being apologized to, and in apologizing when you need to do it yourself.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, with that comment, that flippant comment, absolutely went back, owned it, apologized both publicly and privately, deleted the comment because it just didn't land right, it didn't read well.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was a good person doing a not so good thing.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to that unhappy or hurt people do hurt others, and considering them with a little bit of compassion can actually help you.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: When someone in your life who is basically a good person, be that your partner, your ex, a sibling, parent, colleague, when someone in your life who's basically a good person pisses you off or does something that's hurtful, trying to understand what's driving them.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Fear, uncertainty, a need to be or feel in control, trying to understand that their driver is actually helpful.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding and appreciating where the behavior comes from, offering them some compassion around that, not around the behavior itself, but around their driver, can be really powerful and helpful for you in moving forward, letting go, you know, resolving the issue or connecting in a different way.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And on the flip side of that, I would also like to offer you a quote I read someone somewhere recently, I can't quite remember where, but it is there are assholes out there, and sometimes we marry them.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, good people don't always do good things.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: There is power in apology, and sometimes people are just assholes.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: The next reminder that 2023 brought for me personal growth and learning doesn't end.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Personal growth, learning, development, expansion, it's a lifelong journey.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're never going to get there, you're never going to know it all, you're never going to have everything always all completely figured out.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's true.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also a little part of me that's like, really?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why does it have to be like that?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, life, the universe, or whatever you believe in will keep offering you opportunities to grow and expand and stretch into a new version of yourself.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And just when you think you've got it, you've got a handle on things, when you're enlightened and expanded on all the things, there it will be again.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it has been having hard conversations.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Having hard conversations has been a core theme for my work this year.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a new program, a new presentation, a new offering that's in development that I'm rolling out in 2024.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that I teach and work on with clients, something that I've studied extensively, I have expertise on, and then I've had to keep having hard conversations through 2023, not always getting it perfect.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a reminder, a lesson, a learning to lean in harder that personal growth and learning doesn't end.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: 2023 has offered me repeated reminders to listen more than I speak, to ask questions, to lead with curiosity and really listen to the answers other people give in my life.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I do it really well in my coaching work, and there's been reminders and times when I've had to really work on that in my personal life.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Personal growth and learning doesn't end, and 2023 has given me plenty of practice and reminders to continue to lean in and expand that into my own life.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Personal growth is a lifelong journey.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call if this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Change is inevitable and it is happening all around us.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Change is always happening to us and around us.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: It can't be stopped, it can't be controlled, it is inevitable.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something that I work on with my clients all the time.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Where you are right now is not the end.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: This will change.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Things will change.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Life, love, relationships, divorce will change.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you're experiencing, experiencing or going through right now, I can guarantee you it won't feel like this forever.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: It won't be the same as this, it won't feel the same as this, it won't look the same as this in a year's time.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Things are changing constantly, incrementally, and sometimes that change is so slow that we barely notice it or acknowledge it until we pause, reflect, and look back.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it is happening.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, sure, change is cataclysmic, huge, vast, massive.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: But things are always changing.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Things won't stay the same, they won't stay the way they are right now, forever.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: People change too.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: But if something or someone in your life is not changing, if you've had the hard conversations, if you had discussions, you've made agreements, made the bargains, and the other person is not changing, they are not growing, they're not stepping in to meet you, you need to be the change.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: You need to create the change in, for and by yourself.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you think you're stuck in the mess, if you think nothing's changing, that you aren't getting anywhere, you aren't growing, healing, progressing, moving forward and expanding, whether that's in business, life, love, throughout your divorce, reflect on where you were a year, two, five, ten years ago.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: I bet you're not the same.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I bet things aren't the same.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Change is constant and inevitable, even if you can't see or feel it.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Further to change, a plan can change.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Things rarely go the way we hope or plan or dream, and that can be okay.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: I again I work on this with my one-to-one clients, releasing themselves from the life they thought they might be living, the life they thought they should in inverted commas be living.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Things rarely go the way we plan, and that can be okay.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: There are always creative ways to bring create what you want in your life.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking to real financial handcuffing here.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know this is privilege, but there are always ways to create what you most want in your life.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you want generosity, how can you be and show generosity, grace, kindness, whatever it is?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you want travel, property, connections, relationships, more income, whatever it is, there are creative ways to bring more of that into your life.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that acknowledging the privilege and not minimizing barriers, real barriers that some of you, some of us face in creating that change.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Things rarely go the exact way we plan or we want them to go, and they do also have a way of working themselves out or giving us something else.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe say yes when something that's not on your plan comes up and work the rest out later.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: I did that with a trip to visit one of my girlfriends, the one who lives in Sweden.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I just said, okay, yes, and worked out the rest later.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't on my plan to go to Sweden in 2023.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Bravely said yes, and yes, I know there's privilege in having capacity to say yes, and then I worked the rest out later.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, know what your deal breakers are and when and how to say no.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no opens up the space to say yes to more of what you want and more of what you need.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: So be free.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Freely say no without excuse or apology or offering a big explanation or a long why.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Say no because it opens up space for you to say more yes.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Plans can and should change.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Be open to it, be open to saying yes and working the rest out later.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Be clear on your no's so that you can open up capacity and space for for the yeses.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Don't stick rigidly to a plan.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Allow them to allow it to be okay for plans to change.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Another reminder from 2023 is it's okay not to know.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay not to know or have all the answers or have a great big pl.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Grand plan.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay not to know because not knowing might lead you to options, opportunities, discoveries that you might otherwise never have made or seen or been open to.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't know and you don't have a plan, if you really don't know what's next, don't think about the whole staircase, the whole journey.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just take the first step.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just take one really small step in vaguely the direction you want to go.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a forever step or a forever direction.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can step backwards, you can step sideways.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't know, allow it to be okay to not know and just take that first small step.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to know exactly all the steps.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to know the end point or the destination.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can try things out.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can try things on.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can see if it works.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can see if that's a direction you want to head down by just taking one small step, without dealing with the whole pathway.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just take that one small step.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: What one step will move you gently forward without it having to be definitive, without having to know all the answers.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay just to take a step, test and see how it feels.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that one step is enough.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it is okay not to know.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay not to have all the answers.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing, liking, and loving yourself matters, and it makes all the difference.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there were sub themes that sat underneath this, and it was, you know, along the lines of pleasing other people is not my responsibility.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: And people love you as much as you love you.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: People match your love for yourself with their love for you.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: So knowing, liking and loving yourself matters and it makes all the difference.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: There's a correlation I see in my work with clients in that the love we call into our lives is aligned with how deeply, how much, and how well we love ourselves.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's a simplic simplification, and no, I'm not talking about abusive or unhealthy relationships.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: No one can love you as much as you love you.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: The more you love yourself, the more you honor and respect yourself, the less you will settle for or accept.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: The more love you, the more you love and give love to yourself, the more you can give others and the more love you invite into your life.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: The way you think about, talk about, and I mean both out loud and in voice, the way you talk about yourself, what you believe about yourself really, really matters.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: How much you love and listen to and believe in and trust yourself really matters.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Pleasing other responsibility is not pleasing other people, I'm sorry, is not my responsibility.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Pleasing other people is not your job or your responsibility.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it's not my responsibility to cause hurt or harm unnecessarily, but choosing what's right for me, you choosing what's right for you, will sometimes hurt someone else.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it will be someone you care about, and that's hard.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: But not choosing you or me not choosing me is not an option.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: It can be hard and it's worth it every single time.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: It goes back to not stepping over your own knowing, knowing how you want to be loved, loving yourself fiercely and not stepping over someone who doesn't love you in the same way, who isn't whose words aren't aligned with their actions or their actions aren't aligned with their words.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, people show us who they are.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Actions and words need to align.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Being your word is sexy and magnetic as hell.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you want someone who is willing to show you who they are.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: But when you are comfortable, I mean deeply, really, fully comfortable in your own skin with who you are, when you know yourself so very well, when you honor, respect, and love yourself on a really deep level, it is magnetic, and people are drawn to you.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: They want to be in your energy, in your orbit, they want to be around you, and on the flip side of that, some are drawn to it who aren't able to handle it, who don't know how to hold it or be in it.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's magnetic and it's powerful and it's sexy as hell.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Some are drawn to that power, that energy, that independence, that essence, and they don't quite know what to do with it or how to hold space for it, how to stay around it.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: So 2023 reminded me in my personal life, in my work life, working with clients that committing to being and becoming the best version of yourself, choosing yourself in big and small moments is crucial.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: The rest will follow.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing, liking, and loving yourself matters, and it makes all the difference and it informs the kind of love and the kind of relationships you invite into and welcome into your life.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: The next reminder lesson relearning from 2023 was something that is really core to all of the work I do, and it is that divorce really does not have to destroy or damage.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce really doesn't have to be destructive.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: The podcast episode I recorded with Eva, we have received so many messages.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it has been downloaded so many times and listened to so many times.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've had so many people reach out and say it made a difference, and it was such a great reminder for me as a parent as well as as a coach that divorce really doesn't have to destroy or devastate, and it certainly doesn't have to destroy or damage or devastate our kids.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: Also, part of the reminder around that episode and recording that episode is that she and Elliot are still teaching me about navigating this next phase of our family as their parents.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's morphed and changed as they're now young adults and can advocate on their own behalf, they are independent and can and have can have, you know, really good, strong, open discussions with both me and their dad, and we can actually step back and be a little less engaged with each other and allow them to take the lead on that.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um but also it was there was a reminder that they are still our kids and they don't want to be in the middle if there is discussion, negotiation, or conflict that needs to be moved through and resolved between us as their parents.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, divorce doesn't have to damage our kids.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce, in fact, divorce doesn't damage our kids.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's the way we divorce that makes all the difference.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: The way we negotiate with one another, the way we navigate conflict, the way we show up for them, our kids, and the way we interact with each other as parents, that is what is important.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, kids of divorce, even a less amicable one than ours, can and do grow up to have happy, healthy, connected relationships and lives.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: It is about balance, and at times, good enough parenting is perfectly good enough.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I suppose that was another reminder, a learning, a reminder from 2023 that you know, good enough parenting is just exactly that.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's good enough.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you do want my support and my help to divorce with less destruction, of course, let's talk.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a link to jump on a call with me in the show notes.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and on that note, forgiveness.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is key to less damage or destruction when you're navigating divorce, when you're separating, moving through your divorce and beyond.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is for you.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: Holding the old stories, the anger, the pain, the betrayal, the regret, the sadness, holding those stories means that it all seeps into your soul and retelling the stories keeps you stuck and adds to the damage.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Compassion, kindness, forgiveness helps you release.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so part of my commitment to clients, also to myself moving forward into 2024 is continuing that uncoupling.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, as I said, our kids are now young adults, they don't need me to advocate on their behalf quite so much, and so I can really take a step back and really almost complete my uncoupling.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're still connected, we're still going to be connected as the parents forever.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: But 2023 was a reminder that I don't have to hold that quite so much anymore, and 2024 can be an active choice to do things differently.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, 2023 reminded me of the healing power of sitting in the hard moments, sitting in the big emotions, the healing power of sitting in whatever it is you're experiencing: sadness, pain, grief, anger, fear, when you know something has needed to change, and it changes, and it's not necessarily what you wanted or hoped for or dreamed of, or maybe you didn't choose it, and it's been something that you've resisted, and then it happens, the thing happens, the change comes.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sitting in and allowing all the big emotions without numbing them or minimizing them, squashing them down, trying to fix or skip through it to the end, is healing and cathartic and really, really necessary.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: There have been some really, really hard things in 2023.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: I think for all of us.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me personally, for my family, there have been some really hard things, and in the wider world, there've been some really hard things, but there will always be hard things in every year.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, committing to protecting what is your core energy, allowing yourself to sit in the sadness and the grief to get to the next chapter, to see the glimmers while you're in the hard parts, and also move forward towards something different.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: That has been a key learning, a key reminder for me, and I know for clients this year.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I hope you've taken whatever it is you needed to hear from my reflections, my learnings, my lessons, my reminders of what this year has brought forth for me and for clients and for community.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've found something in this episode.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um if you'd like to explore it further, as always, there's a link in the show notes to jump on an intro call with me if coaching one-on-one is something you'd like to explore as we head into 2024.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here until next time.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.