Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How to Talk About Babies Without Oversharing or Freezing

Transcript

How to Talk About Babies Without Oversharing or Freezing · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. Every now and again, our kids ask
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: us questions that we aren't quite ready for, and we
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: certainly have not got an answer well practiced, well rehearsed
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and ready to go. And today it's a tricky question
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: about a six year old who asked her dad, Jason,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: exactly one of those kinds of questions. Daddy, I might
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: only be six, but I'd like to know where babies
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: come from. Well, not exactly those words, but pretty much yet,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: how do you, I mean, there's age appropriate, developmentally appropriate
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: ways of having these conversations, but what do you say
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: when you're six year old's asking big questions about ppropriation
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: and intimacy. We answer that with today's tricky question. Next
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: on The Happy Family's podcast, Hello, welcome to the Happy
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: We are Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Thanks so much
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: for joining us. Today we have a question from Jason,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: who has gone to Happy families dot com. You clicked
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: on the record button with our super simple system where
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: you literally just push the button and start talking. Here
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: is what Jason asked.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I justin loved the podcast. My name is Jason, father
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: to a six year old girl. She loves pretend looking
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: after baby dolls and the other day asked me how
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: do babies get into mum's tummies? Appreciate your help. Thanks.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: Have you noticed we're getting more and more dads asking
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: us these tricky questions?
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Isn't it great?
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: I love it.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: I love the dads are involved with their kids and
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: having these discussions. It's fantastic.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: And I also chuckle just a little bit that a
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: conversation like this with two adults is not particularly tricky, right,
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: but a conversation with a six year old has a
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: squirming in our seat, so funny.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: I also love that a little girl is not afraid
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: to ask a dad a simple question like that, like
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: happy to go with the mum? Happy to go with dad?
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: The question has been asked. So handful of things that
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: we need to highlight here. The first thing is that
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: from about the age of eight, Michelle Mitchell, who I've
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: become a really big fan of over the over the years,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: Michelle Mitchell has a series of books about this topic.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And I mean they're possibly suitable from the age of
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: six or seven, but really the designed for eight and up.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: One of them is called Where do Babies Come From?
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: And Other Questions eight to twelve year olds ask. It
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: is a wise and helpful book, So, Jason, I think
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: that your six year olds probably a touch too young
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: for that, so we're going to give you some ideas,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: some hints about what to talk about before then. But
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Where do Babies Come From? By Michelle Mitchell is one
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: that you really want to get your hands on and
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: get ready to start sharing in about a year, eighteen months,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: maybe two years at the most. I think you'll find
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: them really really helpful. She's also got two others, A
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Girl's Guide to Puberty and A Guy's Guide to Puberty.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: And our Emily, who is now eleven, has been reading
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: these for the last couple of years and she's pretty
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: well conversing with everything and just gets it and there's
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: no shock, there's no shame, there's no scare. It's just
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: really simple, Kylie. I mean, they've been on our bedside
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: table and on her bedside for ages and we just
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: get to have a chat now and then. I've found
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: them really really compelling and really really useful.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: So I would actually be starting with the Puberty conversation
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: with my six year old as opposed to going straight
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: to the ins and outs of how babies are made.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: I can't believe that you said that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I can't believe that I said that about you saying that,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: you know what, though, I mean the direct question was
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: how does baby get inside bummy's tummy? And so having
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: a conversation about puberty maybe earlier. Ultimately, I think at
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: the age of six, we're realistically a fraction ahead of development,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: and we don't really need to get too into the details,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: into the nitty gritty of procreation and intimacy.
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: And while a six year old's asking those questions, she's
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: going to be happy, for the most part, with some
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: really simple answers. Yeah, but I think the thing that
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: I would love to emphasize is, just like you said
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: at this point is as a six year old, she's
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: actually gone to dad with this question, like she's not
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: she's number one, she's curious, but number two, she's not
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: uncomfortable with asking Mum or Dad.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: This is just a child like curiosity, and you.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Want her to stay this way for as long as
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: she can. So the way you respond to her will
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: determine whether or not she brings her next tricky question
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: to you or not?
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: So I want to pick up on the first thing
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: you said. There's more to say about the second thing
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: you've just said about the way we respond. But when
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: kids come to us with tricky questions as parents, we
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: kind of there's a little bit of anxiety, and we
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: want to release the anxiety in the pressure by telling
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: them everything. And also we want to be helpful, so
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: we kind of want to tell them everything. Our impulse
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: as parents is to tell like kids everything. And to
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: the metaphor that I use is when somebody asks for
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: a drink, do you give them a glass of watery?
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Do you turn on the fire hose? And with these
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: conversations around intimacy and procreation and these private parts of
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: our body, I think we really do want to tread
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: care and make sure that we're being developmentally appropriate for
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: our kids. So answer questions to the degree that your
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: child is curious, but don't go any further. Give them
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: that glass of water, don't turn on the hose. If
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: they've got more questions, they'll ask those questions and then
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: you can it's just drop by drop by drop. You
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: don't want to you don't want to give them the
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: entire Encyclopedia of intimacy on the first conversation at the
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: age of six. This is something that they'll grow into
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: over time, and usually a short, brief answer, particularly at
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: this young age, will be enough to satisfy their curiosity.
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: But I also think it's really fair to suggest if
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: your child asks you a really curly question, that delaying
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: it for a short period of time is completely appropriate.
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: That's a great question, and I think that that's one
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: that Mummy and I should both talk to you about.
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: That gives you a little bit of time between stimulus
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: and response for you to come up with an answer
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: that you feel comfortable with together, and it takes the
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: pressure of having to answer it in the moment. So
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: you're not shrugging her off. You're not telling her that
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: you know this is not important. You're saying this is
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: so important. I actually want to have a conversation with
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: Mummy about this as well.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: One of my favorite conversations that I love to share
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: on the pod is that time when one of our
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: kids asked, I think she was fourteen or thirteen at
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: the time, Dad WA's an STI and we were in
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: the caf two minutes I could have given her a
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: quick answer, but I thought, no, this one is serious
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: enough that we probably should have a proper chat about it.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: And so I said, let's talk about it on Sundays
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: as a family, because we have our tricky talks with
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: our kids on a Sunday. And that conversation I thought
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: would go for about five to seven minutes. I really
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: didn't think the kids would care or want to talk
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: about it, and forty five minutes later we were still going.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: But it was developmentally appropriate. We had the right children
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: in the room for the conversation and they were really
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: curious about it, and it ended up being a really enjoyable, fulfilling,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: meaningful discussion. So I think, whether you're kicking it down
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: the road by an hour or TiO two, or whether
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: you're pushing it a month or two down the track,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: once you've said to your child, oh, that's a really
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: important question, let's talk about it with mummy later, you
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: can do that in a month or even in six months.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Like children, just because they're asking a question, sometimes, honestly,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: sometimes they will forget. And with a six year old
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: on a question like this, I think something short and brief,
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: something calm and relaxed is enough After break, Kylie, a
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: little bit more about how we can start to share
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: some more detailed responses to children who really are curious,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: who don't want to let it go, and who you're
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: trying to keep off the Internet because you just know
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: that's not where they're going to get their best answers.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Stay with us on the Happy Families Podcast. This is
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting solutions
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: every single day. If you're enjoying the pod, please like, share, follow,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: and leave a five star rating and review so other
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: people can find out about the pods to make their
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: families happier. Kylie. From my point of view, this is
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: a conversation pretty simply where we just want to give
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: minimal information and as kids get older, like what you
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: tell them at six is a little bit different to
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: what you tell them at eight, which is a bit
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: different to what you're tell them at ten, which is
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: definitely different to what they're hearing at fifteen. And then
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: with us, I mean, we've got kids in their twenties now,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: and the conversations we're having with them are very, very
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: different to the conversations that we'd have with our eleven
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: year old.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: So essentially, you're actually starting to lay a foundation of
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: what it looks like to have a tricky to answer
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: tricky questions in a calm and peaceful environment.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: That satisfies the curiosity for now, according to your child's
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: developmental capacity and trajectory.
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: So the first thing I think is really important to
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: acknowledge is that she doesn't need the whole truth. She
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: needs the truth. I think it's important that we don't
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: lie to or we don't talk about storks and you know, kind.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Of words and bees, whatever else you.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: Know, kind of comes to our mind metaphors and things.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: We need to tell her the truth. We need to
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: tell it actual facts. But she doesn't need to know
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: all of it, right, She just needs to know enough
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: to curb a curiosity for now.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: So here's what can I say? What I'm thinking? Or
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: do you want to jump in with? So what I'm
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: thinking is use the appropriate terms, But with a six
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: year old, I'd probably say inside every mummy is something
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: called a uterus. You've got one inside you, but it's
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: just not grown up yet, and there are little things
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: called eggs inside that uterus. They're so small, these eggs
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: that you can't even see them, and one day, when
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: you become a mummy, those eggs can sometimes if the
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: conditions are right, they can turn into babies. So the
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: babies actually happen inside you, And isn't that incredible? And
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: maybe they were curious, maybe they won't and you can
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: just you can literally just kick it down the road.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Then you could say, well, you asked how that happens,
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: and that's how it happens. That's all the information they need.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: And you can literally just say that. And as you
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: get a bit older, I can explain more about that
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: to you and just let it go.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: And I think that that's the most important thing. It's
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: suggesting you've given her a little bit of information, and
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: I would suggest that that's probably going to be enough
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: for her now. But if it's not, you can say,
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: this is actually quite a complex question that you've asked,
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: and Mummy and Daddy feel like you just need to
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: be a little bit older before we have that conversation.
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: Do you think we could come back and talk about
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: this in a few months time, or we want to
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: have this conversation when you're eight or whatever it is,
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: whatever your timeline is that you feel more comfortable with
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: more times than I don't think we've ever had a
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: child push back and go no.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: No, I asked you, and I know now that's right everything.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: But they'll also come to you and say you told
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: me that you were going to talk to me about this,
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: and I'm mate, now I want to know. And so
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: I just think it's really important you honor whatever it
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: is that you decide is the appropriate time frame. Yeah.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Something else that's just popped in my head as well,
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: is you really want to emphasize these conversations and conversations
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: that mummies and daddy's have with their children. These aren't
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: the sorts of things that you talk about in the playground.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: You really want to do your best to keep them focused.
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: On I'm so glad you came and talked to me
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: about this. You've got any other questions.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Come and talk to me, don't talk to other people.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I'm the person to talk to me. Yeah, well, Jason,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: we really hope that that's been a helpful discussion and
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: helps you to navigate this one with your six year old.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: If you've got a tricky question, please get in touch
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: with us. You can submit your questions via voice notes,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: email them to podcasts at Happy families dot com dot au.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: That's podcasts with an S at happy families dot com
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: dot you, or you can pretty much ask us anything
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: via the super simple system at happy families dot com
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin and a
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: whole lot of other support and if you would like
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: to find more resources to make your family happier, check
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: out those books by Michelle Mitchell. You can find them
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: by googling her name or going to her website and
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: visit happyfamilies dot com dot you