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Sister in law and mother in law...it's war... · Head Shrink Inc.

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Hello there, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and on today's episode, I am going to answer a question from a huh, how should I say, a sister-in-law about a future sister-in-law and about a mother-in-law?
0:12
SPEAKER_00: It's complicated and confusing.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: Listen in.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: You are listening.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: You are drinking your ancestor life, relationships, and daily living.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: Good day, it's Doc David, Head Shrink Inc., here to answer another question of yours.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: Now, I I usually am able to answer lots of different I I answer lots of different questions.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: Not usually.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I just do.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: I answer lots of different questions.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: And inevitably some come up, it's just like, oh my goodness.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: Um what is the deal here?
0:54
SPEAKER_00: So the question, the subject is it says in-laws and sister-in-law problem.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: The questioner is Heather, and here is Heather's question.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Hi, Doc David.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm having a problem with my fiance's mother and sister.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: Here's how it started.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: My fiance's mom is planning to come babysit my son and his daughter, which would be a bl a blended family, sounds like, uh, when they get married.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: Well, she wanted to bring her three grandsons over as well.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: They do not listen to anyone.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: It's all in caps.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: But my fiance, when they are here, and I straight up told his mom, I don't want the boys here when we are not home for two reasons.
1:36
SPEAKER_00: One, they don't listen very well.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: And two, I don't want a household I I don't want a house full of kids.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: Now sidebar.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: That's a horrible number two reason.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: I I don't want a house full of kids.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: I think there's something more behind that.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: Done with the sidebar.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: Well, she decided to tell her daughter that I don't like her kids, which I never said.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: So my fiance's sister tells him that she doesn't like me and begs him not to marry me because she doesn't want to see him miserable.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: Her exact words.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: Now that hurts me a little bit because she had no right to say this.
2:12
SPEAKER_00: And I told my fiance, I don't want her at our wedding, but he would like her there.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure how to handle this whole situation or what to do.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: Could you please give me some advice?
2:21
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for your time.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Well, you are welcome for the time, Heather.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: So here's some of the thoughts that I kind of ramble around in my brain and reading your question.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: So, firstly, I think um honesty is always important along with uh clear boundaries.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: And so when you have interactions with people, it's it's important that those people that you have interactions with know your boundaries.
2:47
SPEAKER_00: So for example, um I'm not a smoker and I don't want smoking in my house.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: So if I have an interaction with a friend who smokes or who likes, you know, smoke cigars or pipe or whatever, um generally they're gonna know that they don't do that in my house.
3:04
SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's a pretty clear boundary.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: It's it's I haven't told all my friends never smoke in my house.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: There's kind of an assumption.
3:11
SPEAKER_00: Um sometimes I go to a home where I'm working with a family and a parent will light up a cigarette and start smoking right in front of me for me to breathe in the secondhand smoke.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: Now I think etiquette would be do you mind if I smoke in front of you?
3:28
SPEAKER_00: Um but people are often not filled with a lot of etiquette, and so they just kind of do it.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: So I think in relationships, one of the things that's important is honesty.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: And with this honesty comes tactful ways to talk about um boundaries.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: So I I think that you were not honest, Heather, uh, in this interaction with your mother-in-law.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: I also think that you don't like these boys.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: Um I think you're you're two reasons.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: One I can understand, you don't you don't want them here because they don't listen very well.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: But the other one is I don't want a house full of kids.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: That actually doesn't make a lot of sense.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: You already have two kids there, you're not gonna be there.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: And so what does having a house full of kids, you know, three more kids there, how does that harm you, other than you think those kids are badly behaved, and you don't want them in your house to possibly break something.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm making it a big assumption, but remember I've been doing this for a long time.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: So I I make lots of assumptions and I'm usually right, unfortunately.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: And that's not me trying to be arrogant, it's just this is what I do.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: I meet with families every week and I see human behavior, and human behavior isn't so different.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: And so typically what happens is when you don't want to say something directly to somebody about them, you make implications by saying things to other people about them.
4:55
SPEAKER_00: So you said, Heather, I don't want these three boys in my house, I don't want a house full of kids.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: Well, what's why is that a big deal?
5:02
SPEAKER_00: Well, um, a house full of kids in my book usually means you're worried they're gonna break something, which usually then leads to you think that these kids are ill-behaved, and the only person that they'll listen to is your fiance, and your fiance won't be there.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: This gives an implication that you think your fiance's sister is a is a horrible parent.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: Um now, how do you say how do you tell someone they're a horrible parent without being offensive?
5:30
SPEAKER_00: It's that's awfully hard.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: And so what you've done, you've short-circuited it, and you've said these to your mother-in-law, who is the grandma of these children, I don't want those kids here.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: And in in so many words, you said they're poorly behaved and I don't want them in my house, which then in turn is hurtful to the grandma, and then in turn she's gonna s speak to the her daughter, um, which is your future sister-in-law, and say, Yep, she doesn't like she doesn't like you, and who knows, she may have even said she thinks you're a bad parent.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: Now, let's be honest, Heather, you do think that your sister-in-law is a bad parent.
6:07
SPEAKER_00: I'm very clear on that from this qu from this uh question that you sent me.
6:11
SPEAKER_00: Now, the interesting thing is that your sister-in-law was offended, which possibly rightly so.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: You know, I I don't think this is just a one-time incident.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: I actually think this has been happening for a period of time, and this kind of situation just brought it to the head.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I have a feeling that there's been lots of other times where you've uh cast opinions or you've had said things behind the scenes, either to your brother or to someone else in the family about these young boys, um, and that's gotten back to the sister.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: And so you guys don't have a great relationship, and so I think you need to probably work on that relationship.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: So your sister-in-law was actually honest in this.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: She didn't hint, she didn't beat around the bush.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: She told your brother, I don't want you to marry this woman, you're gonna be miserable.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's honest, so you got to give her some credit for being honest.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, the other thing that you talk about is you don't want her at your wedding.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Now we're getting kind of in a tit for tat, like, oh, you said this, I'm gonna take my ball and go home and never play with you again.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: That's very immature, and I don't think it's a way to solve this problem.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: I think the way to solve this problem is that you recognize that um this is not just your wedding, it's your fiance's wedding as well.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: And so for you to exclude his sister is pretty selfish and outrageous because he has the right to have people there as well.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, obviously, his response of that he wants her there lets me know that this is kind of this is something that's probably been happening between the two of you for a longer period of time than this question talks about.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Um, here's my big suggestion to you that's gonna be really difficult to s to take because um it means uh putting on your big girl pants and being mature.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: What it what I'm gonna suggest that you do is that you apologize to your future sister-in-law for um anything that you said that maybe she took offense at.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Now, uh it's hard it's gonna be hard to do.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: I I I will grant you that.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a difficult thing to do.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: But if you don't do it, this is gonna be the beginning of a miserable, miserable family relationship that you have.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: Because think of the future.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Think of, let's say you want to stay with this guy for the next 20, 30 years.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: Think of every uh family event you're going to have.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: Christmases, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, vacations, etc.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: etc.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have this tension, this constant tension with this sister-in-law.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: Um if you want that constant tension, I suppose you don't apologi don't have to apologize, and you can put your foot down and say, You are not allowed at my house.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: Or you can kind of think about the future of your relationship with your soon-to-be husband, and think about the future relationship with your kids and their cousins and your nieces and nephews, and think, you know what?
9:07
SPEAKER_00: My ego is not worth the harm that it's gonna cause 20 to for for the next 20 to 30 years.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: So what you sh what I'm just gonna suggest you do, Heather, is you put your ego aside and you go to your sister-in-law, future sister-in-law, and you let her know, hey, I I said something, I've been stressed, I'm kind of worried about my house being a disaster.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: And so I apologize for making it seem like I didn't want your kids around.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Because I I have a feeling that her you love her kids, but you don't like the way that sh the the sister-in-law parents.
9:43
SPEAKER_00: And that's fine because we all parent differently.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: But it's not fair to those kids to treat them poorly because you don't like your future sister-in-law.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: So I Heather, thanks for the question.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: I think that's actually what you should do.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: Um because if you don't do it, you're gonna have a miserable, honestly, I think you're gonna have a miserable um family life.
10:03
SPEAKER_00: And I think it could get even it could get so miserable that it ends up leading to some type of divorce where you're seen as the bad like where everyone's in the family sees you as the bad person.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: And so if you don't immediately go and make things right, um you're starting off on the wrong foot in this new marriage.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: Hope that helps, Heather.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: If you uh as a listener have a question, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com, check out my Facebook page, DocDavid, and have a great week.