Latest / Blue Grit Podcast: The Voice of Texas Law Enforcement / #022- "I Woke Up And My Life Was Changed" Part 2

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#022- "I Woke Up And My Life Was Changed" Part 2 · Blue Grit Podcast: The Voice of Texas Law Enforcement

• 0:20
  SPEAKER_06: The last episode of Blue Grit Podcast.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: I cross over the dotted line between the lanes into the middle part of the center lane, and he's coming, and he's not stopping.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, at that time I knew I was gonna hit that truck.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Okay.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: I closed my eyes and said, Lord help me.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: I left it in his hands.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: And put him in a um, it wasn't a regular wheelchair, it was a you know, much more intense, but it was a chair that he could move we would have to push him and stuff to get him outside.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: And that was that was when I think it it really hit.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um, he'd kind of hinted that he couldn't feel anything, but with him being so unstable, um, I didn't know how to approach the subject that very first time.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I at that point had already had two months of not just the realization, but just for it to sink in.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: Um it it was really hectic two months with all the decisions that I had to make and um everything we went through.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: But at the same time, that had already sunk in for me.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I had already accepted um what life was gonna be and the hurdles that we were gonna have to face.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so trying to figure out how to tell him, I wasn't really sure.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Um he's he was the epitome of your typical man's man.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: Um we didn't have, we didn't hire people to do shit.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, he did everything.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um, we lived on six acres.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and that was to the full we had horses.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: We still have horses, but um we we had the country life, you know.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: His off-duty, yeah, he worked some police off duty, but otherwise he had a tractor mowing business where he mowed acreage.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um so just trying to figure out how you tell somebody that there's a lot of those things you're gonna one, either not be able to do anymore, or you're gonna have to do them differently.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um how do you how do you come up with those words?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: So it it's nothing we ever had to face before.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we had never had to deal with anything like that before.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um luck and I literally thought he was gonna lose his shit.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: I really did.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_06: Um Yeah, the mental, the mental aspect.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_06: Um so so obviously you you it's it's clicked.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_06: You now know that you're it's not you're not gonna be able to walk again.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: And that's once I came to, you know, I asked her how long has it been?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: You know, because when I came to, I didn't like I told you guys, I thought it was years.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: Uh she's like, no, babe, it's like two months.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, Whew, okay.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: Uh that was a hell of a pause.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_03: There's some relief there, yeah.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, there's some relief, but then I'm like, so two months since I was in the ER that night?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: What the flip has happened?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, and uh blessed and fortunate that she is such a smart woman, smarter than I'll ever be as a man.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: Uh she kept a daily log of everything those doctors did when they were in, when they were out, what they did, what they thought was happening.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: Um, the daily roller coaster of how things changed.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the morning I'd be fine.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: Then that evening, you know, this person stopped by and then you started just having uh issues um medically trying to stay stable and sedated and all that.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_03: So that was a lot to process.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'd read a couple pages and I hand it to you.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: You didn't read that though until you actually came home.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um I had told him I had done it because he had asked questions, and I had told him I'd kept a log for him to when he was ready, if he was ever ready, that he could go back on, um, that would pretty much tell the journey of what we had been through.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Um but he didn't he didn't delve into that until we came home.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: Um Yeah, and I'm sorry I jumped a little there.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but um it's a lot.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Um especially like even for Clint.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: Clint was there the whole ride.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, Clint had to step out, he had a a situation go on, a critical incident jump on.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: Um so you know, they got me outside.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_03: That was uh finally a little sigh of relief to get outside and see the world.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: Because all I'd seen to this point and hear, heard, was medical stuff going off, beeping tones, and the typical hospital room, no daylight, no nothing.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: It just it was very depressing, very sad.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I'm already in a crappy situation, so that doesn't help you mentally, let alone now I've got all these compounding things that are running through my brain.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: Um I am at that point still having problems processing things, like memory-wise.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, she'd tell me somebody stopped by or came by to see me, and I'm like, I don't remember that.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, it's okay.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm thinking, I'm like, holy crap, what the hell happened to my freaking my giblets while I was out.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: You know.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_02: Luckily, he didn't lose any.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: It was more like a short term memory.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: Um he remembered who I was, he remembered our life, he remembered the children.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so it wasn't anything like that.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: So we were very fortunate in that because I was kind of worried about that with him being out for so long, um, what I was gonna have him waking up to.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but he didn't have any of that.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: I can tell you a creepy story.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: So here's some weird crap, and God works in weird ways, and he has a joking character about him from time to time.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: So during all this, her birthday's November 1st.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: Somehow, my goofy butt decides, hey stupid, let's wake up enough to look over at her and mouth, happy birthday to her, and then just roll back out.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's amazing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: So it was one of those things.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_02: He had no idea.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: He I mean, I had no idea.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: So during him being out, we had Charles turn five.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: Then we had Halloween, my birthday, um, Thanksgiving, and obviously Christmas during this whole entire time.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_06: Um what day did he actually go?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_06: What was the date that you arrived home?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um two days before Christmas.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_03: We told the hospital we're like, once I was awake at Thanksgiving, we're like, my goal is to go home for Christmas.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: I will be with my kids for Christmas.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care what you do.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: We've got 30 days you find a way to get me home.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: They thought we were crazy.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_06: Well, and so for for for our involvement with TMPA and with my personal life, I've I've built a home.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_06: Uh I was involved with my with Janet's parents when they built their home, uh, the width of a standard door frame.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_06: All those things were factors.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_06: And so people think, okay, well, he's gonna be in a wheelchair possibly, but you don't take into consideration the construction aspect, the vehicle aspect, and the long road after the fact.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: So him coming, so once we got over to BIR, which was the rehab, okay.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and we had pretty much set our goal that it was gonna be Christmas, like that was what we were gonna do.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: I had not really spent a lot of time with the children.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: He, up to that point, um, I didn't have our kids come to the hospital.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it was it brought grown men to their knees to see him in the state that he was in.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_02: I was not going to put our children through that.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um so the children hadn't seen him until he moved to the rehab facility where he was talking coherent, did not have a trach um where he could communicate with them and he looked as much like daddy as he could.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: Um so that was when it set in that we we are getting home to our kids for Christmas.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like this is gonna happen.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um from the beginning, TMPA was a huge, huge part of the whole ordeal.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Um Clint has been by my side from the very beginning.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um he was there that first night.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I honestly don't think I could have made it through a lot of what I made it through um without his shoulder for me to lean on.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um like I said, we're we live in the country.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: So having um nobody understands the gravity of that really when you say you live in the country.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: Um, not just do we own property, but we we own livestock, you know.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: Um at that point, I hadn't driven a tractor.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know how to do that.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: Um, that's a whole nother story on having your husband yell at you on the side while you're in the tractor trying to figure out how to drive a damn tractor and he's yelling at you that you're fucking up his tractor.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_02: That was a whole nother level of trying to not end up in divorce court, let me tell you.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's a big process of letting it go.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: A bit.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um so uh T I mean Clint would would go by and put out hay bills for us for the horses.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um they ended up, like I said, I did not leave the hospital.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: I refused.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: Uh TMPA was a big part of the hospital we were at.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Bumsey has a um hotel attached to it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: So TMPA actually got me a hotel room there um for the entire time he was in the hospital.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um I didn't sleep in it, but I did go and shower.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_06: And it was there if you needed it.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: I spent an hour in the morning just laying there in bed, staring at the ceiling, letting everything digest.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um that was where after I made big decisions and Justin would go into surgery or something, um, I would go there and and be by myself and have me a good cry.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_02: Um and then that was where I put myself back together and and go back out with my armor on to face whatever hurdle he decided to throw at us next.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um so TMPA gave me that um that peace of mind that I didn't have to go home.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: I could do that just right down the hall.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: So if I was called, I would be there in a matter of minutes.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um but as we we got to the rehab and it was the decision that we were gonna be home by Christmas.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: Clint took the bull by the horns, literally.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: Um and our house, thankfully, is one level.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: We have no stairs going in, we have no stairs coming out, we have no stairs nowhere.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: It's all one level.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, 90% of our house was accessible, except for the bathroom.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um, we had just a single stall stand-up shower and a tub.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: And they went in and remodeled our entire bathroom, put in a full roll-in shower.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, our other biggest thing was the bedroom.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_02: So Justin, the handyman that he was, built custom built our king-sized bed frame.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's uh, you know, the old, you know, the ones when you go to Canton, you see it really nice, country, the ones that they want to charge out the rear end for.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Made with real wood.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: They're made with real wood and leather and all that kind of good stuff.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: Well, Justin decided the wife really wants one of these, but I ain't taking I ain't paying that kind of price.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm just gonna make her one.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: The problem is it was built inside the room.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: So it's one of those things you can't really move.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's not like Kia Weird, it comes in a cardboard box and you take it back out.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_02: Um my biggest thing is when we came home, I wanted him to feel like he was at home.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: Um I didn't want to take a lot of us out of the home um and make it feel sterile and like a hospital.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: So I didn't really want the bed to go away.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it was something that he had made for us.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um so Clint and I believe it was Mesquite Police Association came in.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: Some other locals.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_02: And some other local locals, I think, involved with um and they made a ramp for Justin to be able to get, he still uses it to this day.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um they custom built a ramp that goes beside our bed that he can wheel up on where he can get in our bed.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: Um so they did that.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_02: They got thresholds for all of the um, which he doesn't use now, but when you're first in a wheelchair and you have no idea how to, I mean, they don't give you a driver's license for that thing.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm still running over Pinky Toe, so that's not the point.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: Still rolls over me a lot, but um so they put thresholds, um little ramps, and they did everything they could to make sure that when we got home, the house was accessible for Dustin.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and they did all of that in a two-week time span.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Dart police officer is home tonight for the first time in three months.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Officer Justin Ellis was almost killed back in September when someone in a car crashed into his motorcycle.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, doctors told his family to prepare for the worst, but Ellis had other plans.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: This was not an average police motorcade.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't escorting a politician or a foreign dignitary, and most importantly, there was no funeral procession.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Just a dad, a 35-year-old man, trying to get home to his wife and kids for the first time in three months.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: They were not expecting him to pull through, and he he's just conquered every hurdle that's been placed in front of them.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what makes the hugs and all those smiles so much sweeter.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, sir.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_03: Appreciate you guys.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: The man in the wheelchair is Dart police officer Justin Ellis.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: He was badly injured on the job three months ago when a driver smashed a car into him.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Officer Ellis was on a motorcycle.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: The impact put him in a coma.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Doctors warn his family and friends to prepare for the worst.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: And we really thought we were gonna lose him too.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: So this has been a long day that we have been waiting on.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Justin has had a lot of hurdles placed in front of him, and he's managed to get over every hurdle, but he's still got a long road to recovery.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_02: He still rolls over me a lot, but um so they put thresholds, um, little ramps, and they did everything they could to make sure that when we got home, the house was accessible for Justin.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and they did all of that in a two-week time span.
• 15:31
  unknown: Wow.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I mean, Clint was on the contractor that they had helping out, um, and and quite a few people pulled together to make that happen with donations and uh contributions.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_03: I know assist officer helped out as well.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, ATO, shout out to them.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, they're great folks, and uh I sit on their board as well.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_03: And I know uh we'll dive deeper, but part of all of this that I've been through is finding your purpose and finding out, okay.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know what, dum dum?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_03: When I got home and had to work through the mental aspect of everything I was compressing in my brain and trying to process, I said I've been given a second chance.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: I could have been liked out that night.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_03: Could have been over.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody could have had to the funeral, we could have been done with that crap, Justin's gone.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_03: I was spared.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: He's got a bigger purpose.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_03: You need to come back centered to God, get yourself together, quit mentally breaking yourself down.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: Because you know how we are as cops.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: We compartmentalize, we bottle up, we don't let it out.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: Counseling is the best thing that ever helped me through this.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: I had a counselor from the hospital come in who dealt with military guys.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: This guy walks in one day to me in the bed while I'm trying to watch TV and eat, and he goes, Hey, um, such and such, the counselor, Warren Jackson.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: If you want to talk, you can talk to me.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_03: If you don't, I don't care.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: He drops his business card on my little food thing, turns around, walks out.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I get furious, mad, because I look at her and I go, What the F is this guy's problem?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, What makes him think I want to talk to his shrink?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_03: You know, yeah.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_03: Typical cop.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: When I got home, I knew things were not a hundred percent for me and Rachel.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: And I knew that it came to a point where she looked at me and she goes, babe, you gotta work on yourself, and then we'll work on us.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: And I'd been in this ride so long with her, side by side.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Okay, I gotta fix myself.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: Because I was going through dark days, dark valleys, you know, plenty of times and contemplated bad, bad, stupid, foolish things.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_03: No, there were people to talk to.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we got cop line here.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I leaned on some people very close to me.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: And uh they talked some of my foolishness out of my stupidity of my head.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: And then I went and focused on me.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: I got in there with that counselor.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_03: I met him weekly.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: I spent several days a week with him, to the point where I could finally get where it was once a month.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: Meanwhile, ps I outside of him, because I had Rachel go with me one time to him.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: Because I told him, I was like, hey man, there's a little bit of dynamic between me and the missus I need to focus on as well.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, You can bring her, but I don't do marriage counseling.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, dude, you're wearing me out, but he's gotten me to a good point.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_03: So I found one and I did marriage counseling.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: We did that.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: And it's not for everybody, I get that.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: I just want people to know we are all in this boat together.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: I don't care where you're at, where you're struggling, it's a phone call away to I guess somebody.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: That's part of the brotherhood.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: We're here for everybody.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know what, and we've always preached this.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_03: Say something, talk to a brother, say something.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's time.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: Be open, be honest.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: If you're struggle busing, say something.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sick and tired of it.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: I lost a dear friend to suicide, and there I was thinking the same stupid foolish things.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm so happy, and that's why I'm getting upset because had I not writed myself, I would have missed out on so many great things.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_03: I've watched these beautiful children grow.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: I've become a board member with TMPA.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: I've been involved in a bigger purpose to try and write workers' comp, fix that for those behind us.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_03: It ain't gonna fix my situation.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm good with that.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: But my brothers and sisters and first responders behind me, I'm gonna make that road a little bit easier, less bumps in it.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: And uh I think that's where you find your purpose.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: Use it as your drive, use it as your momentum.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: You know, yeah, I can't do half the crap I used to do, but there's a whole bunch of other stuff I get to do now that I never would have had an opportunity.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: So out of this terrible crappy thing, something beautiful has blossomed.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: And it's it's made us all grow different ways, um, especially me and the missus.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: Um I'll I'll never doubt that woman being in my corner.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: Never will.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_06: Never will.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_06: Well, ever since I've ever met y'all, which was several years at conference, man, I just uh y'all as a package, and I don't mean this y'all, I mean you and your family, your children.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_06: Um, y'all are just absolutely precious.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_06: And me and Janet both, my wife, and and I just man, I I've fallen in love with all of you.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_06: Um I knew you were a stand-up guy then, whenever I met you, and and I I wish you and I could have rode motors back in the day when whenever I was motor jock, but man, uh I think you being on the board is a really good great it gives a great perspective of somebody who's literally been through the gates of hell and been back.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_06: Because when these members call in about situations because your situation wasn't a critical incident l legal-wise.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_06: And there were some civil issues later on, right.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_06: But you get the perspective of the charitable side of TNPA.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_06: And and make no mistake about it, our bread and butter for the most part is legal services.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_06: Not there's no argument with that.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_06: But there's so many different things Clint McNear gave out was was putting out hay for your livestock.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_06: That's not that's not an association.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: That's a family.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_06: That's a family.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_06: That's exactly right.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_06: One family, one fight.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_06: And it to me, it's it's just amazing and to try to explain that to somebody who's who's one not a part of this organization, not in law enforcement, it it's really difficult.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_06: Um so for you to be on the board, it's it's the you're the right fit.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_06: You're the right fit, man.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_06: It's it's it's been it's we're just getting started in the in the in the eyes of Ava Ava Kaplan I think is the is the song.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_06: So but uh anyway you got a thing you want to add to this journey?
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um for the spouse perspective.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um so when we got home and things were difficult he no doubt um I would say the biggest thing is coming out of something like this um and the mentality of the the officer which no doubt he went through shit like there's 100% no doubt.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_02: And everybody's situation's different um he was literally out for two months of it while I I took on the role as the caretaker um and had to make all the decisions.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_02: I had to ride the ride.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_02: Not saying that he he didn't he obviously did but he doesn't remember it.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't have to make the tough calls, the tough decisions.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_02: Essentially he didn't have to live through it.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_02: I did um I think our biggest thing coming out of it was um you know in those dark days his mentality was that it happened to him and at first it and there's no doubt he did lose a lot like our family sacrificed we didn't make the ultimate thank God but we did make a huge sacrifice um our family will never be the same.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: All the hopes and dreams that we had they're not gone but they're different.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of the things that we wanted to do um they look differently now.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_02: But the biggest hurdle was him understanding and accepting that this did not just happen to him.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah it happened to all of us um not just me not just our kids in our family it happened to all of us um and that was a huge thing for him to accept it's a great topping point and I can see mentally we're cops are alpha males and the we don't typically do the the the poor pity me but man losing that much so quickly literally overnight for you waking up right and then seeing it and being better and then the mental the mental illness that would come with it in the dark days I could totally see I can I can understand kind of where you would be mentally of saying it's all about me and me and and losing perspective of really the overall loss as a family.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_02: So it took us a while to get back there.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_02: We did yeah um obviously um but trying to turn that back around and just you know a lot of it you don't really realize that sea of blue until you're put in one of these situations.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um I had that sea of blue for probably two weeks straight um where you couldn't navigate the hospital without the hospital being overloaded with police officers.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: You you know it's there but you don't really realize the gravity of it until you're put in something like this.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_02: And damn do y'all come out of the fucking woodwork.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_02: I mean I mean I had people from everywhere people I'd never seen knew who this man was um y'all had crossed paths at some point or another his name had come across a a radio um y'all had worked a scene together um made a traffic stop together just anything and everything he had touched so many lives prior to this um and the support that you get is incredible um but I can say that once we left the hospital the support kind of went away um and I think that was one of our biggest problems and I think that's also where the mental health kicks in um because during the hospital everybody wanted to come up and see him everybody wanted to be there to support him and make sure that he had made it through and how he was doing and you know you hear brothers in the hospital you want to stop by and you want to see him and once we got welcomed home and we were home it all trickled away um and I was left to deal with him on my own.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_02: And it was kind of that well he's home he's out of the hospital he's alive like what do we need to do now you know um we had those very few that did stay very close to him um and in contact with him that if it weren't for them he probably wouldn't have made it some of through some of those really dark days.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_02: But as you know being married I was the target you know I took a brunt of a lot of it um and there's no way it couldn't have matter if I said I loved you or I hated you.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't hear that he didn't hear any of it.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: He just saw me as a good whipping post um you know to let a lot of his frustration frustration and anger out um and he didn't know where to put it um he didn't believe me um there for a while that there was such a sea of blue in the hospital and that he did have all that support because he didn't see it.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't get to see it.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_02: I saw it um and then coming home he's like well where the fuck is everybody you know like you say they were all here.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_02: Well where are they?
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um when you're mentally down you're not gonna be the one to call and say hey I need help.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: The the support needs to be better about keeping an eye out on your brothers and sisters whether they're struggling or not.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_05: There you go.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um I don't think the problem is a lot of these don't get noticed or recognized until it's too damn late.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_04: That's right.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_02: The call doesn't come saying oh shit we need to go help until the the gun is to the head um and at that point you're too damn late.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_02: And that's what I that was where my frustration came as the spouse trying to help him navig navigate it as best as I could one I'm not a man so I can't even grasp everything he physically mentally lost um not as you know as a family man, as a man in general, as a police officer, this was essentially a career ending incident.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_02: He can't go back out on a motorcycle anymore.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_02: He can't go back out on patrol anymore.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_02: If we didn't have the support of the department and his chief keeping his detective position open and making sure he had a spot to come back to it would have been career ending.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_02: He cannot be the same police officer he was.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_02: And you know a lot of times when we're out and about even today and people are like oh you're still an officer it's surprising because most officers in his situation would not still have a job.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah um how how how I guess how long were you out uh of work?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_03: So judging by just personal desire and also needing it mentally I chose that after I got home in December I said I'm gonna get back to the station light duty within the first year.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: And that was my first I had to make goals and I had to you know part of my counseling stuff.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like I'm gonna get back light duty even if it's only for like two hours a day just showing up at the station doing a little something interacting with my brothers and sisters because I was missing it bad.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_03: Um so I did that I transitioned myself between that first year back light duty to my second year going back full 40 hour work week and I bust in my butt over those two years to get to that point where I'm at now where I work my 40 hours in CID Monday through Friday and uh go from there.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_03: But you know when number one the chief is in the parking lot when you pull in and he walks over and goes Justin how can I help you?
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_03: I was like Chief I'm just putting my wheelchair together bro I'm good I got this he's like no no no I want to help and I'm like dude you're chief go do chief stuff I got this bro and and he wouldn't and it was humbling to me because the man stood there and waited on me when it's normally the reverse role we always take care of the chief and do what what's gotta be done get your get your uh your job duty and go.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_03: Get your function or your assignment um and he sat there and then he looked at me and he goes how do you do it?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_03: I go what?
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: What do you mean Chief?
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_03: He goes how do you do it every day I gotta know I go Chief when you've been at the bottom of the drink the only place to look is up I said that and prayer that's it man I said prayer and family.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_03: He goes Alright let me get to the door and we walked in the office from that day forward he'd check on me from time to time he's like as long as you're good I'm good I was like thank you chief that's awesome and he stand up he did something he didn't have to do that's not common in law enforcement anymore.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah and but he understood well not common to have in common with leadership in law enforcement correct yeah let's put it that way but he understood that listen I have a vested interest in this person I've got several years of training and assets in this guy how can I use him there's still a purpose and he knew I could still do things in CID from just a different standpoint absolutely and still be effective and he still got a body there and he allowed me to keep my gun and badge he didn't make me go civy you know and I told him I was like dude you take my gun and badge that's gonna screw me up bro I said I busted it and clawed and dug my way through this career and I'm you know now 20 years in but at the time 2016 you know that's 14 years on the job.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_03: You know my first goal was to do 20 at Dart and then go do 20 out at a sheriff's office closer to my family and retire.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_03: Things change different chapters but you know what I've got a home that home's always treated me right since day one and I cannot complain about my Dart family.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's awesome.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_03: No they got they got my six that's for damn sure it's been a rough ride but yeah it's it's not common to find that leadership anymore.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_06: No it's not it's not well Mr Rutchad do you have anything else you want to add?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: No um I'm pretty good I just I wish there was more support um for after incidents.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah I could say that um not just on the the officer side but on the spouse's side the family side um to not just go away during the incident um once the incident happens you know you've got to make sure that these these families are taken care of and looked after even after the incident happens.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_06: I just had a a thought but I wonder honestly it obviously couldn't be the wives because we thought we have multiple I mean there's w w women in law enforcement needs to happen and we did have a lot in Texas and we have a lot of our members that are we that are that are women but just a spousal association almost like a uh auxiliary support group yeah and I think that you know so TNPA's mission statement or our mission is legal that's that's our bread and butter.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_02: But I think if a spousal association their focus is uh exactly what you're talking about you know and it's hard I really didn't have so at our department I really I'm not a girls girl yeah I'm not I've never been um so trying to reach out to to women that you you don't know and you don't know the reaction you're gonna get is really hard.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_02: You know it's just as bad on um you know like I'm saying when you're in that situation the officer's not going to reach out to them saying hey I'm struggling it's kind of the same thing in our sense um if you're not in a circle of girls and you're not close to a bunch of girls um having that spouse try to reach out and say hey I'm struggling I don't know how to handle this um there was a lot of judgment from a lot of um the officers and their spouses on how I handled Justin's situation in the hospital and how I um took care of him and the decisions that I made um which made it even harder for me after we went home because I didn't know who I could reach out to.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know who I could trust.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_02: Because there was so much being thrown at me judgment wise on how I was handling things.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_02: So there really was no support when it came to that.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_02: And that's where like I said um Clint and a couple of the officers that Justin was really close to um if it weren't for those few, I really wouldn't have made it through um 90% of what we went through without them there.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_02: Cause I just didn't I didn't feel like I had that more personal support system.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_02: But it's it's a big deal.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_02: It really is.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_02: It is um but as far as the spouse it would be good but you would have to I would think you would have to have somebody that would still do that check-in.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah I think you have to have like just like you guys do when you guys have a shooting or um officer involved anything you guys are typically one of the first ones on the scene to be there to help that officer to assist them in whatever they may need legal wise or just support wise.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_02: You TMPA shows up a representative is there saying we're here what can we do?
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_02: It's kind of the same thing you guys don't wait for them to call you you're there before they even have that chance um so it's kind of that same thing on the spousal side um just having somebody that would reach out and and be that support is a huge deal.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_06: Good idea honestly you got anything you want to add Justin It's been a heavy episode bro it's been a good one though.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_03: Hey you know what it's been great.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah we got a lot of work to do still I know I do um but there's a lot of things we can do to make it better for all of us.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah I agree I agree all of us and I'm ready for that let's take it by the take it by the horns take it by the horns well I hate hair style I hate Clinton had to step out for that critical incident but I man y'all thank y'all for coming on and sharing your story I know this uh sometimes can be difficult to jump in front of the lights and cameras and uh I've definitely got the face for radio and and uh but this is uh this is a really heavy episode so it's been great having you guys on but we've got some rapid fire questions that we we end every single episode with so let's go with this favorite cop movie or line from a cop movie favorite police car ever and favorite adult beverage justin kick it off favorite cop car favorite cop movie or line from a cop movie and then cop car is number two and then favorite beverage is number three god bless dude there's too many good cop movies there is a lot of cop movies I mean I think of Steve McQueen and Bullet I think of Dirty Harry oh yeah Dirty Harry's number one movie yeah I mean you know that's cop cop movie um God it'd be one of those guys for danger and then uh Crown Vic all the way Crown Vic for Crown Victoria say it ain't so 90s to 2000 models absolutely the beast I mean might have been a boat but it'll take a look and you can't destroy them you can't kill it it's like garbage truck that's truck that's truck uh favorite adult beverage and I'm gonna have to say it's gotta have whiskey so let's uh old fashioned old fashioned that is like the official TMPA drink I think so I think yeah yeah yeah I love y'all drink it all right favorite line or favorite cop movie I'm gonna go with Justin on those because he makes me watch all of them so whatever he says I'm gonna go with that um I think we've watched everyone there is to watch um as far as a drink cop car oh cop car favorite cop car of course you've never really driven a cop car in a charger at Mach 3 Oh my god my left life a couple times um yeah I I'm not really gonna on the cop car but um favorite adult drink anything with rum yeah rum is good anything with rum I tend to hock my knee up when I drink rum I don't know why I kept it no I stay away from tequila yeah I'm not a tequila guy or Angel's envy and I'll have to tell the Angel's Envy story on the next episode or on the episodes coming up that's a that's a pretty funny one this about wraps it up and again thank y'all for coming on and sharing this this is extremely personal uh but it's a story that I think needs to be told and needs to be shared with uh our law enforcement family so once again thank y'all means a whole lot thank you brother you guys hit that subscribe button hit the downloads on the podcast guys stay safe stay safe uh it's getting crazy out there and uh we're about to wrap it up here here at the Blue Grip podcast God bless you and as always may God bless Texas we're out of the way