Latest / Very Fine Friends / The Brenda Identity

Transcript

The Brenda Identity · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  so my dad bought a bunch of sausages all right i already love the start of this story and
• 0:22
  they were taking a bunch of space in the fridge
• 0:25
  and he's like, oh, I'm going to cook them.
• 0:28
  And I'm like, well, yeah.
• 0:31
  And he said, I'm going to boil them
• 0:34
  and then I'm going to fry them.
• 0:36
  And I'm like, great.
• 0:38
  Love it. No notes.
• 0:40
  So lunchtime rolls around
• 0:42
  and he knocks on my door
• 0:45
  and he has made me lunch.
• 0:49
  He brought me what I can only describe
• 0:52
  as E.T.'s penis.
• 0:57
  It was so gray.
• 1:00
  Because he boiled it.
• 1:01
  He did not fry it at all.
• 1:03
  He just boiled the sausage.
• 1:04
  So he brought it in, and I was like,
• 1:06
  and he brought it in a tortilla,
• 1:08
  but I could see the tip.
• 1:10
  So I'm like, don't go anywhere,
• 1:11
  because he was like leaving.
• 1:12
  I'm like, what is this?
• 1:14
  He's like, what?
• 1:16
  I'm like, don't what me.
• 1:17
  You know what you did and didn't do.
• 1:20
  Why does it look like this?
• 1:22
  He's like, what?
• 1:22
  I boiled it.
• 1:23
  I'm like, yeah, you were supposed to boil and fry.
• 1:25
  This was your plan.
• 1:26
  He's like, you don't want it?
• 1:27
  I'm like, I'm not eating that.
• 1:29
  Go back and cook it.
• 1:30
  So he went and like fried it up and brought it back.
• 1:33
  Yes.
• 1:34
  Thank you.
• 1:36
  Did it taste good?
• 1:37
  Yeah.
• 1:37
  Yeah, it was great.
• 1:38
  Okay.
• 1:38
  Don't ever do that to me.
• 1:40
  I'm not eating gray meat.
• 1:43
  Yeah, that's unsettling.
• 1:44
  I also love in this story, Dennis was being nice and he made you lunch.
• 1:49
  You're just like, what?
• 1:51
  get out there and fix it.
• 1:54
  Well, if he says you're going to pour me a bowl of cereal and it's cat food,
• 1:57
  do I not have the right to complain?
• 1:59
  No, no.
• 2:00
  You're right, but as opposed to just...
• 2:03
  I just like it was funny.
• 2:04
  Get back out there and fix it.
• 2:07
  This all could have been avoided if he'd stuck to the plan he created.
• 2:11
  Yeah.
• 2:11
  I think he likes friction.
• 2:13
  I think he wants a little conflict.
• 2:16
  He likes it when you yell at him?
• 2:17
  I think.
• 2:18
  I think.
• 2:19
  Yeah.
• 2:19
  Therefore, I yell.
• 2:21
  Well, then you guys have the perfect relationship.
• 2:25
  It does need to stop.
• 2:27
  I think it affects me more than it does him.
• 2:30
  I can't imagine it affects him more than it affects you.
• 2:36
  Yeah.
• 2:37
  I can't imagine that level of affect or effect.
• 2:44
  I feel we can make a case for both.
• 2:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:46
  you have the affect of being upset
• 2:49
  because of the effect that the relationship has on you.
• 2:52
  Yeah.
• 2:53
  Yeah.
• 2:53
  So both, yes.
• 2:55
  Well, I was close to making a pun,
• 2:56
  but I almost lost it.
• 2:58
  We can make a Casey affect.
• 3:02
  Nice.
• 3:03
  Thanks.
• 3:04
  I wonder if anyone's ever called him that.
• 3:07
  Maybe if he did something precocious.
• 3:10
  Okay, Casey affect.
• 3:12
  Yeah.
• 3:13
  We should invite him on the pod and ask.
• 3:14
  well yeah he's listening right now so casey um hit us up we'll make it happen
• 3:20
  yeah get in the studio you can be getting manchester by the me
• 3:24
  welcome to very fine friends where friends don't eat gray meat that is a rule here on the pod
• 3:38
  There's lots of rule everywhere.
• 3:40
  Yeah.
• 3:43
  There was one time I was out with some people.
• 3:46
  I won't say who, but they were,
• 3:53
  it was Ted's Hot Dogs in Tempe.
• 3:56
  That's who you were with?
• 3:57
  Yeah, that's who I was with.
• 3:58
  That's where we were.
• 3:59
  Hanging with the dogs?
• 4:00
  And someone that I was with had gotten a sausage,
• 4:03
  and we were sitting at one of their little booth tables, whatever.
• 4:07
  What color was it?
• 4:08
  What color was the sausage?
• 4:10
  Yeah.
• 4:10
  Well, here's the thing.
• 4:12
  So the person that got the sausage was like, this is not cooked.
• 4:19
  It's pink.
• 4:20
  It's pink.
• 4:22
  And so their significant other brought it back for them and was like, can you get a new one?
• 4:32
  And then came back with a new one.
• 4:34
  and the person was like uh this is pink this is pink still i don't know what do you look at it
• 4:41
  it's pink and then they brought back it's like i don't know the other person was like i don't
• 4:45
  have to tell you they're saying it's not pink and then it turns out that it wasn't actually pink
• 4:52
  it was the light from the neon sign that was in the window right next to us and so this person
• 5:00
  she just was complaining because she thought it looked pink because of the neon light.
• 5:04
  But then when you brought it up to the counter, no neon light, it looks like a regularly cooked sausage.
• 5:10
  How embarrassing.
• 5:11
  I'd be so embarrassed.
• 5:12
  They were not embarrassed.
• 5:14
  Really?
• 5:15
  Yeah.
• 5:16
  It was fine.
• 5:18
  I mean, it was fine.
• 5:21
  Okay.
• 5:24
  So, anyway.
• 5:25
  Well, I'm afraid you're being a dumb bitch.
• 5:30
  But I would be, I'm embarrassed even when I'm right.
• 5:35
  I never send anything back.
• 5:37
  I mean, if it was, if I, I mean, to be fair, like if you think it's pink and then that's
• 5:41
  undercooked, it's like, well, I can't eat raw meat.
• 5:43
  Right.
• 5:44
  Like that's different.
• 5:45
  Right.
• 5:46
  You're right.
• 5:47
  Yeah.
• 5:47
  But yeah, I, I, I, it would have to be a very, very extreme case for me to send something
• 5:53
  back.
• 5:55
  I think for me, it's like if it's an expensive steak and it's like, if you want it medium
• 6:00
  rare and it comes out well i'm like it's like no if it's medium rare it comes out like medium i'm
• 6:09
  like fine yeah it's close enough fine that that did happen to me that was like one time i didn't
• 6:15
  actually say about it but i did say something that exact thing happened i ordered a steak like a nice
• 6:20
  steak like you know 60 steak uh medium rare and it came out and it was well and then they asked and
• 6:28
  I don't think actually I said something.
• 6:29
  I think the person that I was with said something.
• 6:31
  And they were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
• 6:32
  Do you want a new steak?
• 6:33
  And I was like, no, no, this is fine.
• 6:34
  I'll eat it.
• 6:34
  And then they're like, okay, we're really sorry about it.
• 6:36
  And then they just comped the steak.
• 6:38
  Yeah.
• 6:38
  It's like, I don't want to waste a nice steak.
• 6:40
  That's kind of how I feel too, right?
• 6:41
  It's like, poor cows in heaven.
• 6:44
  Did they like it?
• 6:46
  Yeah.
• 6:47
  God, I hope I was cooked to perfection.
• 6:49
  I'm sure it was worth my death.
• 6:51
  Yeah.
• 6:52
  Dumpster.
• 6:53
  Yeah.
• 6:53
  Yeah.
• 6:54
  No.
• 6:56
  No.
• 6:58
  yeah yeah well quick interruption every week on the podcast we do something where our producer joe
• 7:10
  gives francis and i each our own secret word throughout the course of the podcast we need to
• 7:17
  find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing
• 7:22
  If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 7:27
  And right before we die, we add up all the points.
• 7:32
  And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
• 7:38
  Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 7:42
  Jenna's secret word is fulcrum.
• 7:44
  Jenna's decoy word is internment.
• 7:47
  Francis's secret word is dreidel.
• 7:50
  Francis' decoy word is impudence.
• 7:53
  Back to the pod.
• 7:56
  Maybe someday they'll invent a way
• 7:59
  to not waste a stake.
• 8:04
  And you're being rejected too.
• 8:08
  And you go to jail.
• 8:09
  You go to jail.
• 8:10
  But in the meantime,
• 8:12
  it's time for Francis to invent something.
• 8:15
  It's time for the invention of the week.
• 8:17
  inventions
• 8:20
  hey y'all hey um i literally just thought of this nice like two seconds ago nice so
• 8:30
  whatever questions you have we're gonna answer them together okay okay you know how shopping
• 8:36
  for clothes can be stressful i do know that do you know how
• 8:43
  what more can be said it's stressful it sucks well yeah i think you said it all you know how
• 8:51
  yeah yeah copyright me well i think i've really solved it this time oh yeah okay oh yes love
• 9:03
  and here it is my invention
• 9:06
  is a high definition retail service you know how when you go to the fitting room there's like that
• 9:16
  three-way mirror you know how at disneyland i don't know you've been there you say i've been
• 9:24
  to disneyland yeah you've been there you know how they have like the the holographic like 3d stuff
• 9:28
  that's like pretty good.
• 9:30
  Like in the Haunted Mansion?
• 9:31
  Yeah, yeah.
• 9:32
  Yeah, do they have that elsewhere?
• 9:34
  I don't know, probably.
• 9:35
  Just wanted to plug Disney.
• 9:36
  What up, boo?
• 9:38
  Sponsor us.
• 9:39
  Comp me a night in your Grand Californian.
• 9:42
  Thanks.
• 9:43
  I like that place.
• 9:44
  Me too.
• 9:45
  We gotta go.
• 9:46
  Okay, sounds good.
• 9:47
  Very fine getaway?
• 9:48
  Yes, let's do it.
• 9:50
  Okay.
• 9:51
  Well, back to our new thing.
• 9:53
  Wait, three-way mirrors, you mean like the trifold?
• 9:55
  Yes, what I meant.
• 9:56
  Yeah, that's probably more accurate than three-way mirrors.
• 9:58
  way mirror which doesn't exist maybe next week so here's what it is you step into a like photo
• 10:12
  booth sort of deal but you don't sit you stand it's like at the airline when you spread your feet
• 10:16
  and you know and it takes a quick 3d image of you and then you step out and then what it does is you
• 10:26
  select the clothes that you want and it puts a like holographic image of you in the clothes like
• 10:33
  in the space so you could see yourself from all angles in the clothes tell me that isn't cool
• 10:39
  i mean that is cool
• 10:42
  then cut to jenna with a gun in her mouth because there are certain angles that i've never seen
• 10:48
  myself out and i would be horrified uh if i knew what i looked like to the right you don't have to
• 10:53
  You don't have to, you have a joystick.
• 10:55
  You don't have to turn yourself.
• 10:57
  No, I mean, how could you resist?
• 11:00
  You have to, I know, I get it.
• 11:01
  Yeah.
• 11:02
  I think immediately you just come to terms.
• 11:04
  Okay.
• 11:05
  I know.
• 11:05
  Yeah, that's true.
• 11:06
  Yeah.
• 11:11
  So it's like life size.
• 11:14
  So you wouldn't even have to,
• 11:18
  like, and there would be signs,
• 11:21
  you said you'd get someone with your exact proportions.
• 11:23
  no it's you
• 11:23
  you step into the photo booth
• 11:27
  this is the poor man's
• 11:28
  there doesn't need to be signs
• 11:31
  what?
• 11:36
  remember when we did that segment
• 11:37
  there will be signs
• 11:38
  and you said one of the signs of you being rich
• 11:41
  is that you're going to have
• 11:42
  a doppelganger
• 11:43
  specifically for trying on clothes
• 11:48
  rich people can still have that
• 11:49
  and let's be real they're still going to want it
• 11:50
  because that's power
• 11:51
  so what if so is it is it going to be like like the thing at the airport or all your clothes is
• 11:59
  going to be you like starfishing in the clothes no it's it's intelligent it's it's a computer
• 12:07
  simulator so you're not going to be seeing yourself in clothes like this yeah it's just
• 12:11
  going to have you standing there it's for people who want to look good for the next time they're
• 12:15
  Being held at gunpoint.
• 12:16
  Sea.
• 12:18
  Yeah.
• 12:19
  Or knife point.
• 12:21
  Spear point.
• 12:22
  Dana point.
• 12:24
  What was that last one?
• 12:25
  Dana point.
• 12:26
  Dana point.
• 12:27
  Isn't that a location?
• 12:28
  Yeah.
• 12:29
  Yeah.
• 12:29
  That's a stupid joke.
• 12:31
  No, I just, that's not a stupid joke.
• 12:34
  I was trying to think if that was a weapon I didn't know.
• 12:39
  Like, what's a Dana?
• 12:40
  You brought a Dana to a gun battle.
• 12:42
  Yeah.
• 12:43
  you bought a Dana to the Macarena.
• 12:49
  Um,
• 12:50
  so will this be your own personal thing that you travel with or are you
• 12:54
  pitching this as in dressing rooms?
• 12:56
  They'll know this is a retail staple.
• 12:57
  Everyone's going to expect you to have it now.
• 12:59
  Like as a store is,
• 13:00
  I don't want to try and nobody wants to try on.
• 13:02
  It's so inconvenient to get like,
• 13:03
  take your clothes off,
• 13:05
  put your clothes back on.
• 13:08
  Yeah,
• 13:08
  I know it is.
• 13:11
  It is annoying.
• 13:12
  Yeah.
• 13:12
  and they'll never let you shop naked i asked
• 13:15
  um and it keeps people going to the mall which is great i don't know about you but i love to go for
• 13:22
  the smell of the mall and the music of the mall especially during the holidays
• 13:26
  the music of the mall
• 13:30
  holiday yes but normal circumstances it's just top 40
• 13:36
  yeah can we get back to the holiday music place
• 13:41
  i'm trying to think
• 13:49
  so aside from sweet so are you you're preloading no the hologram you don't like preload your hologram
• 13:58
  in there you can like you can save a profile but if you haven't done it in a while you probably
• 14:03
  just want to get a new one because your measurements may have changed yeah you know
• 14:09
  I'm assuming we're going to have proprietary technology that's actually good at doing this,
• 14:15
  like AI-ing the clothes onto your body.
• 14:17
  Oh, yeah, 100%.
• 14:18
  Because current AI.
• 14:20
  We can do it now.
• 14:20
  It doesn't do a good job.
• 14:22
  Some of them do.
• 14:24
  The ones that you pay for do.
• 14:26
  Okay.
• 14:26
  It's all about money.
• 14:28
  I guess I don't pay for any.
• 14:29
  Money, money, money.
• 14:30
  I made you out of clay.
• 14:32
  I made you out of clay.
• 14:39
  holiday music. Is that a real song?
• 14:42
  It's dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.
• 14:43
  I made you.
• 14:47
  Yeah.
• 14:48
  That's funny.
• 14:50
  And if I took one
• 14:51
  look at it with dreidel, I would play.
• 14:53
  Is that really?
• 14:56
  But I think with dreidel, I would play
• 14:59
  is maybe the lyric or something
• 15:01
  about spinning. I don't think anyone knows more than
• 15:03
  the dreidel, dreidel,
• 15:06
  dreidel.
• 15:06
  that's all you need to know
• 15:10
  and now that I'm thinking about it
• 15:14
  that is not a song I would have ever heard
• 15:17
  in the
• 15:19
  they stick to the
• 15:22
  it's that holiday staple
• 15:24
  they stick to the yeah
• 15:26
  I almost said Disney classic why am I on Disney today
• 15:29
  whatever
• 15:31
  so this is
• 15:33
  at Disney I will stay for free
• 15:35
  thing yes we got a junior suite at the grand californian
• 15:42
  i know walt i know his frozen head okay trouble too
• 15:50
  uh okay i uh i like this idea assuming that it works
• 15:57
  i what the fuck was that i don't know can you just give me the benefit of the doubt here okay
• 16:07
  no no okay uh also it isn't trash no no no i mean it's like if the technology is there and
• 16:14
  there you can really just it's like seeing a life size for an interview to quote a friend of mine
• 16:20
  if you can dream it you can do it your friend walt walt disney oh oh was it walt mr dis yeah
• 16:28
  dis guy dis gay take a look at it dis guy dis guy over here dis nuts whoa whoa i mean it's kind
• 16:37
  of like a it like a vr version of uh the chair horowitz computer yeah yeah yes who ever saw that and thought that that was not a fantastic idea yeah and just so we clear that did not come into my mind at all when i
• 16:51
  was the progenitor of this i believe you thank you um
• 16:58
  what i'm trying to think if you had your own personal hologram to carry around
• 17:06
  what would the benefits of that be as opposed to having it be just fitting rooms?
• 17:15
  You could see how you looked in different spaces.
• 17:18
  You could see how you look next to different people.
• 17:21
  You could see how you looked.
• 17:26
  How realistic are we talking here?
• 17:28
  Very.
• 17:28
  The only thing I would say is you could tell it's an image
• 17:34
  because obviously there has to be a light.
• 17:36
  like it's projecting.
• 17:37
  So it's,
• 17:38
  you ever seen flubber?
• 17:40
  No.
• 17:42
  Okay.
• 17:43
  Do you want me to watch it real quick?
• 17:44
  So I can get your reference.
• 17:45
  We'll be right back.
• 17:46
  Keep it rolling for two hours.
• 17:47
  And we're back.
• 17:48
  What'd you think?
• 17:49
  Oh my God.
• 17:49
  Amazing.
• 17:51
  It was so good.
• 17:52
  Yeah.
• 17:52
  So Robin Williams.
• 17:53
  Yeah.
• 17:54
  Genius.
• 17:54
  The best.
• 17:56
  You know,
• 17:56
  who thought they could remake what was,
• 17:59
  was,
• 17:59
  was that based on the nutty professor originally?
• 18:02
  Flubber?
• 18:03
  Yeah.
• 18:03
  No,
• 18:04
  no,
• 18:04
  not the,
• 18:05
  not the uh eddie murphy nutty professor like the original one with um with uh uh what's his face
• 18:13
  with the march of dimes jerry lewis i don't know what you're talking about okay we'll be right back
• 18:24
  and we're back wow okay it's so clear now yeah so all right cool now that we've got that cleared up
• 18:31
  So just like in Flubber, go on, keep going.
• 18:34
  Well, there's the machine that generates like a hologram of a person
• 18:37
  because the machine is in love with Robin Williams.
• 18:41
  Ooh, that's weird.
• 18:42
  So she creates, well, he doesn't go for it,
• 18:43
  but she creates like a human version of herself.
• 18:47
  Like she picks her face and her name and all that.
• 18:49
  I think it's Sylvia.
• 18:50
  And she like generates an image of her human form in the house.
• 18:55
  So like the girl's like walking through the house
• 18:57
  and she sees him sleeping and she gives him a kiss.
• 18:59
  I don't know if I'm making this up.
• 19:00
  I don't know if that part's real.
• 19:01
  It's like Blade Runner 2049.
• 19:03
  Yeah.
• 19:05
  Well, we just watched it, so I can say for sure
• 19:07
  that you are not making it up.
• 19:08
  Yeah.
• 19:09
  So it's like, yes, you could see who it was.
• 19:11
  You could see what she was wearing,
• 19:12
  which is the whole point of this.
• 19:15
  It's just maybe a little ghostly.
• 19:16
  But that was, what, 20 years ago?
• 19:19
  Hologram technology has only improved.
• 19:22
  Yeah.
• 19:28
  19.
• 19:29
  Wow.
• 19:30
  I'll take it.
• 19:31
  Wait, what?
• 19:34
  As in it was 97.
• 19:37
  And then Flubber original, it says the absent-minded professor.
• 19:41
  29 years ago.
• 19:47
  Can I get to my new thought, please?
• 19:49
  Okay.
• 19:50
  It was about what you said earlier.
• 19:52
  The absent-minded professor.
• 19:53
  The absent-minded professor.
• 19:55
  Which I should have realized when we just watched the movie and saw the title.
• 19:58
  Well, you wrote your thought.
• 19:59
  Yeah, I looked away for that one second.
• 20:02
  Absent-minded professor.
• 20:04
  Little production by
• 20:05
  a friend of the pod, Mr.
• 20:07
  Walt Disney.
• 20:09
  Oh, that's right. He did mention that when we were hanging out at his house.
• 20:11
  Yeah, when we just watched it.
• 20:13
  That's where we watched it.
• 20:14
  Yeah, we watched it at his house.
• 20:15
  We wheeled in his frozen head so he could watch it with us.
• 20:17
  Yeah, we didn't rent it or anything.
• 20:19
  We actually just got out the original film reel.
• 20:21
  Like an old school movie
• 20:23
  when you're having a movie in school and they bring in the cart?
• 20:25
  Yeah.
• 20:26
  We had an AV guy come wheel it in.
• 20:28
  Walt has his own AV team.
• 20:30
  Yeah, they're called Imagineers.
• 20:33
  Yep.
• 20:34
  Is that a term we can say out loud?
• 20:36
  I don't know the rules.
• 20:37
  I mean, he's my friend.
• 20:37
  He's probably fine with it.
• 20:39
  Yeah, we can say that out loud.
• 20:40
  Okay.
• 20:40
  What are they going to do?
• 20:42
  Come for us.
• 20:43
  We said the word Imagineers.
• 20:47
  Whoop, whoop.
• 20:49
  What?
• 20:49
  No, run, Francis.
• 20:51
  You're too young.
• 20:53
  I don't want a record.
• 20:58
  I guess, because I'm trying to think,
• 21:00
  as long as you're doing this hologram technology
• 21:02
  and it's really realistic, why not see?
• 21:04
  But then, again, I'm going straight to perverts.
• 21:07
  Some dude is going to just project himself naked
• 21:10
  in front of unwilling eyes.
• 21:12
  No, because the technology won't do that.
• 21:15
  It won't.
• 21:15
  Let me tell you something right now.
• 21:16
  I have an iPhone.
• 21:17
  Yeah.
• 21:18
  And there have been pictures in my phone of nudity.
• 21:21
  What?
• 21:22
  iPhone, not mine, an iPhone.
• 21:25
  That makes it better.
• 21:27
  Yeah.
• 21:27
  like you know people send you stuff um i'm sorry it was just the one time i kept it
• 21:32
  and by the way nice thanks um but it also does like uh compilations where it was like this was
• 21:41
  your spring or you had a great november and not once has one of those pictures ever been included
• 21:46
  in one of my roundups oh speaking of which this is a side note this is really only going to be
• 21:52
  interesting to the three of us. I just got one of those compilations today for like, wow, what a
• 21:58
  June. And it was, it was just clips of American dad that I recorded for my TV and sent to you guys.
• 22:09
  It was like seven American dad clips. And yes, I watched them all.
• 22:15
  i love that truly i do so uh it knows to keep those in but it filters out all the peen
• 22:25
  okay so gross to me sandra don't make me talk about that don't say anything mean about my body
• 22:31
  so anyway um so it will have anti-nake nudity yeah
• 22:41
  it could be like just for outerwear like you can't use it to model like underwear so then
• 22:46
  there's never any reason to show no you can there's a private room where you can you'd need
• 22:52
  to be in underwear because you should also be able to try on like lingerie and stuff yeah exactly
• 22:56
  exactly yeah but you that won't be in the public and honestly this won't be publicly like you'll
• 23:02
  have to go in and see it it's like a private viewing because i don't want i don't even want
• 23:06
  people watching me my fake body try on clothes this is not your business yes no i totally agree
• 23:10
  with that. And then also, I think it's better if it is personal because we want to take this
• 23:14
  offline. You don't want your dead data being stored
• 23:18
  anywhere. That's going to be the
• 23:21
  breached end all breaches.
• 23:24
  Yeah, yeah, yes.
• 23:28
  Do you have a name for it?
• 23:32
  No, I don't because it was such a fresh invention. Literally, I was
• 23:36
  watching you, you were stretching, and I saw your tank top, and I was like, tank top, clothes.
• 23:40
  hologram outfit machine.
• 23:43
  That's how fast it happens, folks.
• 23:46
  Yeah, yeah.
• 23:48
  The lightning struck just in that moment.
• 23:52
  Yeah, these synapses are b-b-banging.
• 23:56
  B-b-b-banging.
• 24:01
  All right, so should we start thinking of names?
• 24:05
  Yeah, I think Joe's probably going to spit out a good one.
• 24:09
  Stitch Site.
• 24:10
  See me.
• 24:11
  See me.
• 24:12
  See me.
• 24:13
  Like S E A M.
• 24:14
  See me.
• 24:16
  Oh,
• 24:17
  I just meant like see me.
• 24:19
  Oh,
• 24:20
  it's me in the hologram,
• 24:21
  but I like seem me too.
• 24:23
  Yeah.
• 24:23
  See me.
• 24:25
  Seems like me.
• 24:26
  Seems like me because it's not really you,
• 24:30
  but it is you.
• 24:31
  Seems like me.
• 24:33
  Seems like me.
• 24:34
  Got you spinning.
• 24:40
  You want to have an idea?
• 24:43
  I want to have an idea.
• 24:45
  I don't.
• 24:47
  Is there something with hologram?
• 24:51
  Vision or like...
• 24:54
  Holocloth.
• 24:55
  Holocloth?
• 24:56
  That sounds like Holocaust.
• 24:58
  I love it.
• 25:02
  No, guys, you don't understand the holocloth was a real thing?
• 25:04
  Anything that references World War II in a fun fashion way.
• 25:10
  Yeah.
• 25:11
  Next week you'll have an invention about internment camps.
• 25:16
  We can start people that just like hurt me personally.
• 25:19
  Yeah.
• 25:20
  And no one can find like the link between them because there's nothing going on.
• 25:23
  That's like discriminatory.
• 25:25
  Just they hurt me.
• 25:27
  Yeah.
• 25:27
  Yeah.
• 25:31
  Okay.
• 25:32
  Seems like me.
• 25:33
  Yeah.
• 25:34
  That's good.
• 25:35
  And we'll have a localized pocket version.
• 25:38
  because there are some like cheap retailers that won't want to pony up for this but you want to be
• 25:44
  able to do this everywhere yeah yeah um yeah like i was recently in a store trying on clothes that
• 25:51
  had very tight small dressing rooms with just like curtains over them uh because it was a kind
• 25:56
  of a cheaper store fine i don't that doesn't make sense why were you there i i because i didn't i
• 26:04
  needed clothing that was sort of disposable like i'm not going to be attached to it it's not i'm
• 26:09
  not investing in this clothing so get to your husband you're like no go ahead tear them off
• 26:15
  it's fine i bought these for you but anyway yeah so that dressing room is like that definitely
• 26:23
  that would not be one that would have it right so it's good i like the pocket edition because
• 26:28
  it can literally just put it in the palm of your hand yeah and i get a little quickie little like
• 26:33
  And then you can like maybe store some looks so that like you could like show it to your friends later.
• 26:39
  Like which of these do you think would work?
• 26:41
  Yeah.
• 26:42
  It could also keep track of what you've purchased.
• 26:45
  And then if you go to track,
• 26:46
  you can't do that with your phone.
• 26:48
  Well,
• 26:49
  but they get to see it.
• 26:50
  You could send,
• 26:51
  you could send your friends,
• 26:52
  your almost at Holocaust.
• 26:55
  You can send your friends,
• 26:56
  your,
• 26:56
  your thing.
• 26:57
  What's that?
• 26:57
  Six million new messages.
• 27:03
  Um, so I was thinking, cause you could send yourself to your friend and you can be like,
• 27:10
  what do you think?
• 27:10
  Yeah.
• 27:11
  And they'd be like, yeah, yeah.
• 27:12
  Or the machine, even if it's like one at the store could be like, you purchased a, this
• 27:17
  shirt that was pretty similar to this, you know, you already have one of these.
• 27:21
  Yeah.
• 27:22
  Yeah.
• 27:24
  And we could even have as part of this, we would have a field day with my closet.
• 27:27
  It'd be like, stop, Jenna.
• 27:30
  You literally have six of all of these.
• 27:33
  What are you doing?
• 27:35
  But I was thinking, you could have like trustworthy, like a circle of advisors, where it's like,
• 27:41
  here's the outfit I'm thinking about, and you hit send, and it goes to your circle of trust,
• 27:46
  and the people like say yes or no, it looks good on you, or it doesn't.
• 27:48
  Because sometimes you might not know for sure.
• 27:50
  That would be crazy if you got like a message from your, because it would have to be like a hologram,
• 27:54
  like life size, so it would beam from your, seems like me.
• 27:58
  And then you just, so if you're just like sitting at home, and then suddenly like your friend is
• 28:01
  like standing there in an outfit.
• 28:04
  Yeah, but you're expecting it.
• 28:06
  You know? Yeah.
• 28:07
  Right. No, I mean, yeah, they could send it
• 28:09
  unsolicited. It's not going to pop up. You'll get a notification
• 28:12
  like, would you do you consent to?
• 28:14
  Right. You're like, yeah, all right.
• 28:16
  I'm fine. You're like fighting with your spouse.
• 28:18
  You're like, hold on.
• 28:19
  There's Jenna that
• 28:21
  turn you around. Okay. Hold on. I got to tell my
• 28:23
  friends.
• 28:26
  That would also be
• 28:27
  something
• 28:29
  creepy like if you were secretly in love with someone and you were in their circle of trust
• 28:35
  do you think you would have to pull up their hologram sometimes and then like dance with it
• 28:39
  yeah but there could be a record of like how often you look at why did you look at my why
• 28:45
  it's three in the morning why are you looking at why'd you look at my seams me yeah uh it was just
• 28:51
  me and overalls what are you doing yeah yeah i bet you someone can jailbreak it so they can have
• 28:58
  their own yeah like take our clothes off but well yeah because they have to be if you can put them
• 29:02
  on you can take them off this is a chance people are gonna have to take i mean i would still do
• 29:06
  the service because it's the the other day if the computer's showing you nude it's guessing
• 29:11
  you don't go in nude no so wait it declothes you you go in in your underwear well i mean underwear
• 29:19
  still is pretty can i make can i make the computer just take my word for it
• 29:23
  and then none of your clothes fit.
• 29:26
  I submit a stick figure drawing.
• 29:28
  This is me.
• 29:29
  We've given you extra underwear room.
• 29:32
  You look like you have confidence.
• 29:35
  Per your stated confidence.
• 29:39
  Okay, well.
• 29:40
  Great.
• 29:40
  This is exciting, isn't it?
• 29:41
  I'm excited that you have this technology.
• 29:44
  Yeah.
• 29:45
  And this is a great application.
• 29:48
  Thank you so much.
• 29:48
  Love it.
• 29:49
  Thank you.
• 29:50
  That was great, great strike of lightning.
• 29:54
  That wraps up the invention of the week.
• 29:59
  And I forgot what our segment was going to be.
• 30:02
  Psych!
• 30:03
  What?
• 30:04
  That's what it is.
• 30:06
  Oh.
• 30:06
  It's called Psych!
• 30:08
  Wow, you look really beautiful today.
• 30:11
  Psych!
• 30:13
  And it's a segment where a mental health professional
• 30:19
  doesn't know what they're doing.
• 30:22
  And, per my idea for it,
• 30:24
  you can't be helped.
• 30:27
  We'll see what happens with that.
• 30:29
  We need to leave it open a little,
• 30:30
  like a window on the second floor.
• 30:33
  Probably safe.
• 30:34
  But a little dangerous.
• 30:35
  Yeah.
• 30:37
  Okay.
• 30:37
  So, would you like to be the professional
• 30:41
  or the patient?
• 30:44
  You choose.
• 30:47
  Okay.
• 30:47
  I'm fine with either.
• 30:48
  I will be the doctor.
• 30:54
  Okay.
• 30:55
  Okay.
• 30:59
  Come on in.
• 31:00
  Thanks for waiting.
• 31:01
  Oh, yeah.
• 31:01
  No problem.
• 31:02
  No problem.
• 31:02
  I had some administrative stuff to catch up on anyway, so it was no big deal.
• 31:08
  Thank you for being gracious.
• 31:09
  Go ahead and have a seat.
• 31:10
  Thank you.
• 31:12
  Oh, man.
• 31:13
  What a week.
• 31:15
  What a week.
• 31:17
  You want to talk about it?
• 31:17
  Yeah.
• 31:18
  Please, please. I really could use. So I remember I told you about Brenda at work.
• 31:25
  Yes, I wrote it down.
• 31:26
  Yeah. Brenda is, she's so high maintenance. She feels like she needs to get involved in every
• 31:33
  single project, but she is absolutely useless. Like I don't think anything she puts, she has
• 31:40
  her fingers in every single project and she hasn't, but none of like her fingerprints are all over it.
• 31:47
  really talking about Brenda's
• 31:49
  hand toes?
• 31:55
  Why are we talking about them?
• 31:57
  What's really going on?
• 32:01
  What's really going on is she's getting in the way
• 32:03
  of not just my work, other people's work.
• 32:08
  Like, she's slowing down projects
• 32:11
  and she's kind of getting, but I told you, I mean, I told you, she is...
• 32:15
  Shut up.
• 32:17
  I think you want to be Brenda.
• 32:19
  Say it.
• 32:20
  Say, I want to be Brenda.
• 32:23
  No, I...
• 32:24
  Just say it.
• 32:25
  No, I'm not going to say it.
• 32:26
  You don't speak English?
• 32:27
  That's what I said.
• 32:28
  Say it.
• 32:28
  You're paying me.
• 32:30
  I know that I am, but I don't want to be Brenda.
• 32:32
  If you just say it, we can move on.
• 32:34
  I don't want to move on.
• 32:35
  I want to talk about Brenda, whom I don't want to be.
• 32:38
  Woomp.
• 32:39
  There it is.
• 32:41
  Brenda.
• 32:42
  Let me try a new activity.
• 32:43
  She's terrible.
• 32:44
  Why would I want to be her?
• 32:46
  she has halitosis she has hand toes apparently sorry i allergic to that
• 32:55
  bullshit she yeah that's right we could swear now that's good in my line of work good
• 33:02
  and i think this is a shitty narrative you know what give me a b
• 33:09
  give me a b like give me a b is this like a cheerleading thing yeah b b give me an r
• 33:17
  r give me an e e give me an n no okay i stopping this can i i have a legitimate problem i need help with okay well we placate you Go ahead Okay thank you Go ahead little baby So okay I don think calling me a baby is
• 33:37
  No, it's a legitimate technique, idiot.
• 33:41
  So, there's this, I'm in charge.
• 33:46
  I'm in charge of the annual company retreat this year.
• 33:56
  And I need to get in.
• 34:00
  I need to get a guest speaker,
• 34:03
  a celebrity guest speaker.
• 34:05
  That's kind of like this.
• 34:07
  The whole thing pivots on this.
• 34:11
  The speaker is like the big pivot.
• 34:13
  Where do you feel all this in your body?
• 34:15
  The baby stuff.
• 34:16
  I mean, the baby stuff I'm doing.
• 34:19
  Where do I feel it?
• 34:20
  Yeah.
• 34:21
  Which chakra would you say is lighting up?
• 34:25
  I don't know chakras.
• 34:26
  I know that my brain is annoyed.
• 34:30
  Crown.
• 34:32
  Oh, annoyed.
• 34:33
  Yes.
• 34:34
  Would you say Brenda gets annoyed?
• 34:36
  No, Brenda's happy as a clam.
• 34:38
  Brenda never gets annoyed.
• 34:39
  She doesn't know anything's wrong.
• 34:41
  She doesn't know she's the problem.
• 34:43
  Call her.
• 34:43
  I'm not calling Brenda.
• 34:45
  I'm not calling Brenda.
• 34:46
  you think because your name doesn't start with a b you don't have feelings
• 34:52
  my name is britney it does start with a b oh sorry you're a terrible you're okay oh britney
• 35:00
  hold on wrong file oh hey girl hey that was my bad you look just like claudia
• 35:08
  okay but uh now that i i have you straight does claudia have someone named brenda in her file
• 35:16
  no why okay so back okay back to my problem then yes and i'm ready to listen so this is like the
• 35:24
  keynote speech i need to get a celebrity guest and this is going to be like this is like the
• 35:28
  fulcrum of the whole event this is like this is where it all pivots we build up to this and then
• 35:33
  it quickly transitions down and i i it needs to be perfect last year we got cory feldman some
• 35:41
  is Jonathan got Corey Feldman.
• 35:45
  What was that?
• 35:48
  What was what?
• 35:50
  It said you did like a drive by screaming noise.
• 35:53
  That was me falling off the cliff of interest
• 35:57
  and landing in a pit of I'd rather be dead.
• 36:03
  Aren't you?
• 36:04
  I'm not here to keep you entertained.
• 36:07
  Brittany, I'm not your friend.
• 36:09
  I'm here to give you tough love.
• 36:11
  love that is tough so you're saying that because my story is boring you don't want to hear it no
• 36:15
  your story is a deflection from what's really going on when you go home you look in the mirror
• 36:20
  you put cold cut meats on your face until you resemble brenda admit it i don't want to resemble
• 36:27
  brenda brenda meat face that's what you call yourself that's what i'm writing in your file
• 36:31
  don't write that in my file it's too late and it's in pen
• 36:35
  oh god what do you think would make you happy um oh i i i okay let me move on from brenda let me
• 36:47
  those were kind of baby noises i know oh my god i did notice that i'm 54 years old i'm not a baby
• 36:53
  okay but one point you were yes yes we all were you were too hear me hey i'm not the one with
• 37:01
  identity issues. Hear me out, Brittany. If you look over in the corner of this room right now,
• 37:07
  you see that device that almost looks like a womb?
• 37:14
  Yeah, isn't it one of those like 70s chairs that looks like a brandy snifter that you just sit in?
• 37:23
  No, but now I want one. I invented that machine.
• 37:28
  What is it?
• 37:28
  it's called
• 37:30
  make
• 37:32
  Woomer
• 37:33
  and what you do
• 37:35
  Brittany
• 37:37
  is you go in the back
• 37:40
  and you crawl out of it
• 37:42
  and you birth yourself
• 37:44
  this will give you the freedom
• 37:46
  to let go of the identity
• 37:48
  you wanted to have but didn't get
• 37:50
  and to truly be your own person
• 37:52
  but I don't
• 37:57
  I don't need to be rebirth
• 37:58
  I'm quite happy with who I am, honestly.
• 38:00
  It's just the work stuff is...
• 38:03
  Oh, okay.
• 38:04
  All right, it's the work stuff.
• 38:06
  All right, go on.
• 38:08
  Look, if the work stuff is too boring
• 38:10
  or if you can't help me with it, then I can move on.
• 38:12
  I do have another issue.
• 38:14
  Oh, yeah, let's do that.
• 38:16
  Maybe when you're ready, we can go back.
• 38:17
  Okay.
• 38:17
  What's the other thing?
• 38:19
  You know my steps on Steven?
• 38:22
  Steven is an anagram for Brenda.
• 38:25
  Oh, no.
• 38:26
  there's like two common letters okay let's go with that what about steven okay so he
• 38:34
  wants he's coming home from college and he's bringing his girlfriend with him what's her name
• 38:40
  colleen it's a middle name i don't know you were afraid to ask no i just didn't occur to me i don't
• 38:50
  usually ask people's because what if it's brenda what's your middle name doctor it's professionally
• 38:56
  uncouth for me to reveal that i have to have to set a boundary although if i see you at a wine bar
• 39:02
  feel free to pull up okay all right steven girlfriend colleen maybe colleen brenda yes so
• 39:12
  anyway colleen is coming home for for the winter break great we're excited to have her the problem
• 39:21
  is Stephen is kind of digging in his heels that she stay in the room with him, which makes
• 39:27
  Mark and I very uncomfortable. Mark, your husband? Yes. Yes. My husband. Mark told you he was
• 39:34
  uncomfortable. Yes. We've talked about it. He said the word uncomfortable. He said uncomfortable. Yes.
• 39:39
  Yeah. And I quite frankly, I understand. I Stephen's 19. He's still young. And I know he's
• 39:45
  kind of like pushing back and he's doing this like, I'm an adult. I'm an adult. Got to treat
• 39:49
  me like one i'm you you know but it's still it's it's our roof you know we don't like the idea of
• 39:56
  of steven and colleen you know doing things under the roof or at least pretend for our sake
• 40:05
  what did you say did you smutter something under your breath no i didn't mutter it i
• 40:12
  said it quietly. What'd you say? You're not ready to hear it.
• 40:18
  I'm paying for it to hear your thoughts and you said something. What did you say?
• 40:24
  Well, you said Steven and Colleen. Yeah. And I just pointed out Colleen Brenda.
• 40:32
  and i say that with love i say that with the spirit of honesty and legally with total impudence
• 40:43
  in case you were going to file a complaint can i be honest with you
• 40:50
  please um which what did you just call me bridget oh i'm sorry
• 40:54
  what is it britney i'm sorry you know first names are not important in a psychiatric practice
• 41:01
  the importance is the meat but if i pull up at a wine bar you'll know my name oh of course okay um
• 41:07
  i just want to be honest i'm having a difficult time connecting your steven and colleen brenda
• 41:12
  story with your friend brenda and your innate desire to consume her identity this one's a real
• 41:18
  thinker they're not related they're completely unrelated nothing's unrelated nothing's unrelated
• 41:25
  you know if you go back far enough you and mark are related there i said it well yes okay but i'm
• 41:32
  okay with the level of relation you're okay with uh dating a family member that is interesting to
• 41:36
  know well you just said literally everyone on earth is a family member gotta write this down
• 41:41
  claudette interested in familial relations well i don't know who claudette is but you can deal with
• 41:50
  that problem with her oh that's my nickname for you okay i call you britney clodette
• 41:56
  okay because you're making me upset britney clodette so how should i delicately broach
• 42:04
  this with steven so i still respect the fact that he's an adult but he understands that it's more
• 42:11
  about respecting our wishes than about his manhood or his adulthood or anything like that
• 42:17
  I actually have the perfect exercise, but you're going to have to go out on a limb.
• 42:24
  Okay.
• 42:27
  Have you heard of role playing?
• 42:31
  Yeah.
• 42:31
  Okay.
• 42:32
  I'm going to go ahead and be you.
• 42:37
  Okay.
• 42:38
  And you're going to go ahead and be Brenda.
• 42:41
  All right, fine.
• 42:44
  if it'll help move this Brenda train along.
• 42:47
  Do you want to start by greeting me?
• 42:52
  Do I have to be like Brenda?
• 42:54
  Yeah.
• 42:56
  Okay.
• 42:59
  Oh, Brittany.
• 43:00
  Oh, Brittany, you're so fast.
• 43:02
  What are you doing?
• 43:05
  Are you being?
• 43:06
  It's because I want to be you.
• 43:08
  I want to be you.
• 43:10
  Everything I do is because I want to be you.
• 43:13
  I can't sleep I can't eat I can't make love to Mark
• 43:17
  I can't even listen to Steve and calling Brenda
• 43:20
  What do I do? Can I have your clothes?
• 43:27
  Well if I'm being Brenda
• 43:28
  Oh yeah clothes project you want to get all of my clothes
• 43:33
  That's a great project here let me help you out with that
• 43:35
  Let me sort all the pants into one room and all the shirts into another room
• 43:40
  And then that way we'll be doing twice as much work to go back and forth and get the pants and the shirts.
• 43:45
  It's a really inefficient way to do things.
• 43:47
  We're just about out of time for today.
• 43:48
  Oh my God.
• 43:49
  But I do want to call out one thing I wrote down that is a quote you said.
• 43:52
  And I don't want you to speak after I say it.
• 43:54
  I just want you to sit with it.
• 43:57
  Okay.
• 43:59
  Quote.
• 44:00
  Dot, dot, dot.
• 44:02
  I'm being Brenda.
• 44:04
  Oh my God.
• 44:05
  You forced me into this.
• 44:06
  We'll see you next week.
• 44:07
  We have a lot to unpack.
• 44:08
  Bring Brenda.
• 44:10
  God, I hate you.
• 44:15
  Well, that was a thoroughly unsuccessful therapist visit.
• 44:21
  We don't know that.
• 44:23
  There's a lot of techniques out there.
• 44:25
  You think that something might have sunk in?
• 44:29
  Subconsciously.
• 44:30
  Okay.
• 44:31
  You know, one time I was in therapy for years.
• 44:35
  One time you were in therapy for years.
• 44:37
  I spent a week there one night.
• 44:39
  I never left. She thought I did.
• 44:43
  And I was just going to say that one time we were rehashing old stuff
• 44:46
  and I literally had an epiphany mid-sentence
• 44:49
  that helped me understand my behavior from the very beginning.
• 44:54
  It was the craziest feeling because I'd never connected to these things before.
• 44:58
  And I was literally just repeating the same stuff.
• 45:00
  Be like, no, you don't understand.
• 45:01
  And she was sitting there like, I'm sure I've understood from appointment one.
• 45:06
  And then I literally was like...
• 45:07
  But it just never hit you.
• 45:08
  It never clicked me.
• 45:09
  Click me. Click me, daddy.
• 45:14
  Good times.
• 45:15
  Well, that wraps up psych.
• 45:20
  Psych! Psych!
• 45:22
  Say it, Joe.
• 45:25
  Nice.
• 45:26
  How's it feel? You just got psyched.
• 45:31
  It's time now for our last segment.
• 45:35
  The big question.
• 45:37
  The question is very big
• 45:40
  This is something that I was discussing last night
• 45:44
  With a friend of ours
• 45:45
  And I thought
• 45:47
  This is going to be a good big question
• 45:49
  If you had to
• 45:52
  Psychologically torture somebody
• 45:55
  Like you wanted to get revenge on somebody
• 45:57
  How would you do it so you could get away with it
• 46:00
  And they wouldn't know what you were doing
• 46:01
  They wouldn't know what was coming from you
• 46:03
  just in case how would i do it yeah and it's limitless yeah you can do whatever you want but
• 46:17
  they need to be like a ruined human being at the end of it and they can't know it was coming from
• 46:22
  you you need to get away with this okay i think the best course of action here
• 46:30
  is to hire a series of people
• 46:35
  who over time
• 46:37
  will approach that person
• 46:41
  and make unsettling remarks
• 46:44
  that make them question
• 46:46
  something that they were maybe very confident about.
• 46:51
  What if a stranger came up to you
• 46:53
  and was just like, oof, rough posture.
• 46:56
  Here's a number to a good chiropractor I have.
• 46:59
  You're a really attractive person.
• 47:00
  I just feel like you're a little hunchback in a little.
• 47:03
  And one time you'd be like,
• 47:05
  not like what a weirdo.
• 47:09
  But if someone else walked by with their child a week later and was like,
• 47:12
  Oh,
• 47:13
  don't look at the monster,
• 47:14
  honey.
• 47:15
  The child hands you a card.
• 47:16
  Here's a number for a really good chiropractor.
• 47:18
  Yeah.
• 47:19
  Here's a number for someone.
• 47:21
  Yeah.
• 47:21
  Someone walks by with a child and then like you,
• 47:24
  you just turn to the child and you go,
• 47:26
  don't stare.
• 47:27
  Right.
• 47:28
  Like,
• 47:28
  yeah.
• 47:28
  Yeah.
• 47:29
  and like it's rude to stare just they're normal just like anybody else yes like if you orchestrated
• 47:34
  a series of that over like a period of time it's gonna get to you because you're not thinking
• 47:40
  like this is not real this is remarkably similar to what i was going to do oh really yeah they keep
• 47:49
  going well we are merging yeah becoming brenda um so like that would be a huge part of it
• 47:55
  and then I just think like little acts of sabotage
• 47:59
  I should write that down
• 48:00
  I think also will help
• 48:04
  to undermine like all the different facets of their life
• 48:08
  so you want to like take down work
• 48:10
  you want to take down love life
• 48:12
  you want like their friend group
• 48:13
  like you want to plant so many seeds
• 48:15
  that they don't have any support network at all
• 48:20
  when they need it
• 48:21
  My first instinct was mess with their food while they're asleep at night.
• 48:27
  So that way they gain a bunch of weight.
• 48:29
  How would you mess with their food?
• 48:31
  I'm just going to put stuff in it.
• 48:33
  I'm just going to put a bunch of M&Ms in the lettuce drawer.
• 48:35
  Or if they eat healthy, if they prepare their own meals,
• 48:42
  I'll find something that I can put into the meals that will make it bad.
• 48:49
  But not noticeable.
• 48:51
  Yeah.
• 48:51
  any sabotage is welcome here
• 48:54
  well I'm just thinking like what would be the best way
• 48:56
  to screw with me and I'm like
• 48:58
  well going after my body would be a really
• 49:00
  good way like I would slowly start to lose
• 49:02
  my mind or narrowing your hair
• 49:04
  yes
• 49:06
  put it in your shampoo
• 49:07
  but that would be like a
• 49:09
  that's physical well that's which is fine
• 49:12
  you can still do physical things but
• 49:13
  the idea is to
• 49:15
  torture them and also to get
• 49:17
  away with it if you woke up and you were
• 49:19
  like someone narrowed my hair overnight
• 49:21
  then you would be like you'd look for who did it you would be clear that one individual hair per
• 49:29
  night yeah one pluck a night just like a little like like laser hair removal at night um you could
• 49:39
  also like when they're not around casually be going around and being like i feel it's my moral
• 49:44
  obligation to report this he got away with it in the courts but he's a sick monster and did xyz
• 49:51
  crime. I would want to live next to
• 49:53
  someone like that. But of course, the record's
• 49:55
  been sealed. And then
• 49:57
  imply, pass it on.
• 49:59
  But the second you did it,
• 50:00
  people would know.
• 50:02
  They'd say that... No, because he's a dangerous
• 50:05
  man. Please don't bring... If you bring
• 50:07
  it up you be in danger Please just live with this information i would uh hire people like i would hire someone to become his best friend and then steal his like significant other
• 50:25
  or wife or something like like hire people to become like very close to him who then
• 50:29
  massively betray him i like the idea that you can hire someone to become someone's best friend
• 50:34
  be like just get in there hey we said no limits right but that's no limits of what you could do
• 50:40
  like they still have to like like yeah no one's just gonna be like are you trying to be my best
• 50:45
  friend and they're like yeah they're like okay all right well that's the only qualification you
• 50:51
  got it you got it i was just making sure i like it i think that it's the right plan to like
• 50:57
  to have multiple people
• 51:00
  like in on it.
• 51:03
  Like, yeah, it has to be like,
• 51:04
  it has to be very like people and shame
• 51:06
  and like isolating based.
• 51:08
  Like I think the most psychologically destructive thing
• 51:11
  would be to make someone feel like they're alone.
• 51:13
  Like solitary confinement.
• 51:15
  Imagine you're going,
• 51:16
  you're at the grocery store
• 51:17
  and you're reaching for ice cream
• 51:18
  and someone actually goes,
• 51:19
  oof.
• 51:20
  Are you sure?
• 51:21
  Haven't you had ice cream before?
• 51:23
  Don't you know what it tastes like?
• 51:25
  You put,
• 51:26
  tiny little contraptions in all of their pants
• 51:29
  and then you wait around the corner at the grocery store
• 51:32
  and every time that they reach for something
• 51:33
  you spring the contraptions that pops
• 51:35
  one of the buttons at their pants.
• 51:40
  Write that down for invention of the week.
• 51:42
  So our
• 51:43
  friend
• 51:45
  suggested that I thought this was actually
• 51:48
  a brilliant idea.
• 51:51
  Going into their closet and just taking in all their clothes
• 51:54
  just a little bit so they think that
• 51:55
  they've gained weight.
• 51:57
  Yeah, I was thinking like a similar thing with the shoes,
• 52:00
  like making it shorter and shorter on the shoes,
• 52:03
  but clothes would be better.
• 52:04
  Until they're negative.
• 52:07
  Replacing everyone in their life every week
• 52:08
  with someone who looks exactly like all the people,
• 52:10
  but they're one inch taller.
• 52:14
  Yeah, I was thinking the key to this is really
• 52:17
  you want these people to be gaslit.
• 52:22
  You want them to know something is happening,
• 52:24
  but everybody else thinks.
• 52:25
  but the key is to get everyone around them to gaslight them without knowing
• 52:30
  that they're gaslighting them.
• 52:32
  Right.
• 52:32
  Because it's like,
• 52:33
  if I said,
• 52:33
  what are you like?
• 52:34
  Cause I was thinking like going through and like maybe just mildly like
• 52:41
  adjusting like their couch or something like that.
• 52:44
  And then just being like,
• 52:46
  someone is moving my couch every day.
• 52:48
  It's like,
• 52:48
  who's no,
• 52:49
  no,
• 52:49
  what about a loud note?
• 52:50
  Here's a good one.
• 52:51
  if you hit something in someone's space that at random or at a frequency you
• 52:57
  could control like middle of the night,
• 52:59
  let out like a Aztec scream and like to,
• 53:03
  to be woken up from a dead sleep and like a state of immediate,
• 53:07
  like adrenaline is very disruptive.
• 53:10
  And if you did that,
• 53:11
  like at random different nights,
• 53:13
  but not every night,
• 53:14
  like that would be horrifying.
• 53:17
  Yeah.
• 53:17
  That's like a,
• 53:18
  like water torture.
• 53:19
  Yeah.
• 53:19
  You would never,
• 53:20
  eventually you wouldn't be able to go to sleep
• 53:22
  because you'd be like worried what's going to happen.
• 53:24
  You'd be so focused on thinking, when's it coming?
• 53:26
  When's it coming?
• 53:27
  You could also
• 53:29
  screw every few days
• 53:31
  with one particular part
• 53:34
  in their car or something, so they have to take it
• 53:36
  to the engineer.
• 53:37
  Change the mirror just a little?
• 53:38
  Yeah.
• 53:40
  Do you say take it to the engineer?
• 53:42
  Or the mechanic, whatever, sorry.
• 53:44
  Sorry, the mechanic.
• 53:45
  The point is, do some things that they have to take it to.
• 53:47
  The imagineers.
• 53:48
  imagine the engineer's like what do you want me to do fix my fucking car i already built it it's
• 53:53
  got engine in the name you idiot so ear it but like you know screwed their car a little bit so
• 54:00
  that they had to keep taking it back to the mechanic but then obviously like the mechanics
• 54:03
  like people sort of naturally think that mechanics are trying to screw them over so they're like
• 54:07
  you're not fixing this problem you're like no i am but meanwhile that's so annoying yeah you're
• 54:15
  sneaking in like a little elf every few days to yeah that would be that would piss me off i know
• 54:21
  right and going the engineer or the mechanic neither experience is fun so also since you
• 54:29
  don't care what you're doing you could bring it to an engineer and be like do whatever you want
• 54:31
  just fuck it up um do some math in it yeah i was thinking you could i yeah i would hire people
• 54:40
  to hire someone maybe to like,
• 54:47
  so seem like they're following that person around,
• 54:50
  like be in the same place like a lot,
• 54:52
  but like far away so that like eventually
• 54:54
  they start noticing like,
• 54:55
  I've seen this person a bunch.
• 54:57
  Are they following me?
• 54:58
  And then like at a time
• 55:00
  when they're out with somebody else,
• 55:03
  get someone that looks like that person
• 55:04
  but isn't that person to be like nearby.
• 55:07
  So then they're like,
• 55:08
  look, that person's been following me.
• 55:10
  And then be like, what are you talking about?
• 55:12
  And then they see it's a different person,
• 55:14
  and then they think, am I just imagining this person everywhere?
• 55:18
  And then maybe plant a story in the paper or something
• 55:22
  with a picture of that person that's like,
• 55:26
  this is old Jebediah Johnson from 1880.
• 55:30
  He's been dead for a hundred years.
• 55:32
  I don't know why we're talking about it, but here he is.
• 55:34
  Here he is.
• 55:35
  It's the anniversary of his death a hundred years ago, or whatever.
• 55:38
  Today is now the third time that we've passed the limit of where he couldn't possibly be alive.
• 55:44
  He's absolutely dead.
• 55:46
  And then make them think, like, am I seeing ghosts?
• 55:48
  Oh, my God.
• 55:48
  What if you went in the person's house, took a picture, and then had, like, AI put that person in the picture and then put it back in the frame?
• 55:58
  Oh, yeah.
• 55:59
  That would be creepy.
• 56:01
  Yeah, I'd be out of that house.
• 56:02
  Yeah, you could do like, if there's like a picture that they really like in their house,
• 56:07
  you could like take away, like change one detail every single day.
• 56:12
  Yeah.
• 56:13
  Yeah.
• 56:13
  I saw, this actually I think is horrifying.
• 56:16
  I saw someone played a joke on someone, which I think is dangerous because this particular
• 56:20
  joke, because it was on a backup camera of their car.
• 56:23
  They put a picture of like one of those like screaming demons.
• 56:27
  So when they put it in reverse, it looked like it was right behind the car.
• 56:30
  Like, and I'm like, if that was me, I might've hit the gas.
• 56:34
  Like you would have flown backwards.
• 56:35
  Yeah.
• 56:36
  But you could do that with the picture of the same person.
• 56:39
  Yeah.
• 56:42
  If you wanted.
• 56:45
  Yes.
• 56:49
  Yeah.
• 56:50
  So basically I'm going to make them feel fat and ugly.
• 56:57
  And perverted.
• 57:00
  And perverted?
• 57:01
  Yeah.
• 57:03
  How do we make them feel perverted?
• 57:06
  Just every once in a while
• 57:08
  pay a good five bucks and be like,
• 57:09
  that's him!
• 57:10
  That's him!
• 57:13
  They're not going to stick around and be like,
• 57:15
  what is this?
• 57:16
  They're going to be like, what the fuck?
• 57:17
  I'm out of here.
• 57:19
  It's my bathing suit area.
• 57:21
  It's private.
• 57:22
  Eventually they'll start just believing it
• 57:27
  about themselves.
• 57:29
  That's not our problem.
• 57:30
  Well, I mean, you're trying to get them tortured, so.
• 57:33
  Oh, I think I meant the kids.
• 57:34
  Yeah.
• 57:35
  Yeah.
• 57:37
  The problem is.
• 57:38
  That's not our problem.
• 57:41
  Yeah, you were fine with it.
• 57:43
  No, let me clear this up.
• 57:44
  I'm fine with implanting the memory of molestation in children.
• 57:48
  Okay.
• 57:49
  Unfortunately, it builds character.
• 57:50
  Yeah.
• 57:51
  Kids are susceptible to that.
• 57:52
  You could tell them something happened and they will just add that memory.
• 57:56
  I'm sorry.
• 57:56
  I have a goal I'm trying to accomplish.
• 57:58
  I can't think about.
• 57:58
  I know.
• 57:59
  It's fair.
• 57:59
  I didn't ask you to think about collateral damage.
• 58:02
  If we know you are,
• 58:02
  we know you are.
• 58:03
  You are molested.
• 58:04
  Go back to bed.
• 58:06
  Don't worry.
• 58:06
  That's a false memory that uncle Francis implanted.
• 58:10
  I was doing something.
• 58:15
  God,
• 58:16
  I'm not a real uncle.
• 58:18
  Yeah.
• 58:19
  I just wouldn't want my siblings to hear this episode and be like,
• 58:23
  now they have even an ounce of,
• 58:25
  you know what I mean?
• 58:25
  I'd be like,
• 58:25
  Oh God,
• 58:26
  it's like a joke.
• 58:28
  it's a joke it's a molestation joke yeah grow up it's a real thing and it happens
• 58:35
  joke about it okay just kidding everyone um cool so i i think we would we would destroy people
• 58:46
  oh yeah yeah yeah yeah 100 if that didn't work just shoot them
• 58:52
  you know but that's harder to get away with
• 58:55
  what if you shot them well because i also want them to live no no no i was gonna say oh you shoot
• 59:03
  them and they they survive and then six months later you show up and you shoot them somewhere
• 59:08
  else and this just keeps going it's gonna be just like the loud sound in their room they're not gonna
• 59:13
  be able to go anywhere it'd be like every six months i get shot yeah something's going on
• 59:17
  yeah that's a good point thanks all right well we've answered the big question the big question
• 59:27
  final bit of business okay i was hoping i'd write down more words for you but i think i got some good
• 59:34
  ones down okay you want me to guess first let me guess first okay yeah francis you guess first
• 59:41
  Well, because she did last time.
• 59:47
  Okay.
• 59:48
  Is your word neon?
• 59:49
  No.
• 59:52
  Hologram.
• 59:52
  Did I say that?
• 59:53
  Was that my whole invention?
• 59:56
  Yes, it was.
• 1:00:00
  Cool.
• 1:00:02
  Pony?
• 1:00:04
  No.
• 1:00:05
  Overgrown or otherwise.
• 1:00:06
  When did I say pony?
• 1:00:07
  You did.
• 1:00:08
  I don't know when you did.
• 1:00:09
  Okay.
• 1:00:09
  Was it halitosis?
• 1:00:11
  No.
• 1:00:13
  Snifter.
• 1:00:15
  Nope.
• 1:00:16
  Brandy.
• 1:00:16
  Nope.
• 1:00:18
  Manhood.
• 1:00:19
  No.
• 1:00:21
  Torture.
• 1:00:22
  Nope.
• 1:00:24
  Gaslight.
• 1:00:25
  Nope.
• 1:00:26
  Gaslighting.
• 1:00:27
  No.
• 1:00:29
  Fingerprints.
• 1:00:30
  Nope.
• 1:00:32
  Fingerprint.
• 1:00:33
  No.
• 1:00:34
  Fingers.
• 1:00:35
  No.
• 1:00:36
  Finger.
• 1:00:38
  No.
• 1:00:38
  fingering just kidding oh i thought you were telling me like that's not fair i wasn't done
• 1:00:44
  it was like you were doing like every version of the oh i was i was i was because because the one
• 1:00:49
  time i was so close yeah lightning nope you were baiting me with that one you said it twice
• 1:00:55
  don't do that face you know what you did what what that's the last i have okay i i actually
• 1:01:05
  thought you didn't clock either of them, which surprised me on one of them. I can't believe I got
• 1:01:09
  away with it. My decoy word was internment.
• 1:01:13
  Well, we were talking about the Holocaust. I know it kind of worked out too
• 1:01:17
  perfect. I know. I realized actually it was too perfect because it was my decoy. It should
• 1:01:21
  have been a little more awkward. And then I was like, I wouldn't have picked up on that in any situation
• 1:01:25
  where we were discussing Walt Disney and the Holocaust. Okay.
• 1:01:28
  My real word was fulcrum. Did you say
• 1:01:33
  that i did say it i kept saying that the the celebrity speaker that we needed for our
• 1:01:38
  our event was like the pivot point and i was you kept cutting me off and i was like god damn it let
• 1:01:44
  me say the word fulcrum during psych during psych yes oh yeah but you did you did not uh
• 1:01:51
  damn you you kept cutting me off and i'm like i said pivot like eight times i need to say the word
• 1:01:57
  fulcrum and yeah well i guess that worked out for me because no it didn't work out for me if i
• 1:02:05
  let you say it i might have guessed it yeah shit yeah well i did say it but you thankfully you i
• 1:02:11
  mean for you you didn't pick up on it yeah sorry i was trying to give you a bad therapy and you
• 1:02:16
  succeeded thank you you did that beautifully by the way so much thanks all right so much
• 1:02:21
  well i'm gonna go ahead and ask you one of my guesses right away which i feel like has already
• 1:02:26
  been eliminated is your word hologram that would have been such a good decoy if i guessed it for
• 1:02:34
  your word or would it i don't know no it's not okay copyright no joystick i saw i think i saw
• 1:02:44
  you write that down no impudence that is my decoy word no because he said it it didn't make sense
• 1:02:56
  So I wrote it down.
• 1:02:57
  You said like impudence law.
• 1:02:59
  Damn it.
• 1:02:59
  All right.
• 1:03:00
  Well, now I might as well just guess these other ones.
• 1:03:04
  Damn.
• 1:03:05
  All right.
• 1:03:06
  Well, good for you.
• 1:03:07
  Thanks.
• 1:03:07
  I needed it.
• 1:03:10
  Progenitor.
• 1:03:11
  No.
• 1:03:13
  Synapses.
• 1:03:14
  No.
• 1:03:17
  Chakras.
• 1:03:19
  No.
• 1:03:20
  And then my last guess.
• 1:03:23
  Womb.
• 1:03:25
  No.
• 1:03:25
  oh joe do you want to tell her or should i you are in this one buddy you tell her
• 1:03:34
  oh no it's a word i said a bunch if it's brenda i'm gonna lose my shit
• 1:03:39
  oh no i said brenda first okay it's straddle
• 1:03:45
  no
• 1:03:45
  That was amazing.
• 1:03:52
  Oh my God.
• 1:03:55
  I said it like 20 times.
• 1:03:57
  You said it at least nine times.
• 1:03:59
  That's for sure.
• 1:04:00
  So between that and guessing Francis' decoy word,
• 1:04:04
  you made at least 10 points this episode, Francis.
• 1:04:07
  No, you're in the lead again.
• 1:04:10
  Yeah.
• 1:04:11
  Whoa.
• 1:04:12
  Oh my God.
• 1:04:13
  I cannot believe that.
• 1:04:14
  I kind of imagineered it for you a little bit.
• 1:04:17
  What do you mean?
• 1:04:18
  Because you said money, money, money.
• 1:04:22
  I made you out of clay.
• 1:04:23
  No, I hummed the tune.
• 1:04:26
  You hummed it.
• 1:04:27
  And then you said money, money.
• 1:04:28
  So I was like, no, no, no.
• 1:04:30
  Yes, yeah, play a meal.
• 1:04:31
  No, because I was thinking like, oh, fuck.
• 1:04:33
  I hope like all I wanted to do was get her to say it.
• 1:04:36
  And then like you were doing the money thing.
• 1:04:38
  I was like, oh, then we said something else.
• 1:04:40
  I don't know if I was trying to get you back on.
• 1:04:42
  I'm like something.
• 1:04:43
  but oh i thought you because at first i thought you were doing the abba song so then then when
• 1:04:48
  you said i made you out of clay i was like oh i know what you're doing and then i was like yeah
• 1:04:51
  wait what's that song called because it was silent for a second i was like no no no did i
• 1:04:57
  did i even say it first or did you say it you said you said it first i can't believe that you
• 1:05:02
  still said it though right yeah after you did yeah because i had to make sure i said it yeah so you
• 1:05:07
  actually this might be the first time ever that someone said the decoy word before the person or
• 1:05:11
  the word before the person who actually had the word.
• 1:05:14
  I actually even thought
• 1:05:16
  it's probably not
• 1:05:18
  dreidel.
• 1:05:19
  You had that thought?
• 1:05:21
  Yes, I was like, I'm not right in that because it's like, it just
• 1:05:24
  it didn't.
• 1:05:26
  Oh my God. Oh my God.
• 1:05:31
  I want that to be a sound bite.
• 1:05:32
  Oh my God. Oh my God.
• 1:05:36
  Well, congratulations. You're back on top.
• 1:05:38
  Back in the game.
• 1:05:41
  Wow.
• 1:05:43
  And no one got molested.
• 1:05:45
  Yet.
• 1:05:46
  The night's young.
• 1:05:48
  Give me your Francis.
• 1:05:51
  Wow.
• 1:05:52
  What an epic, epic.
• 1:05:53
  Yes, that did work out.
• 1:05:56
  I think.
• 1:05:56
  You must have just been on cloud nine.
• 1:05:58
  I was trying so hard to like maintain neutrality because.
• 1:06:01
  Me too.
• 1:06:02
  Yeah.
• 1:06:02
  That was tough.
• 1:06:03
  The first, when you said it three times, I'm like, wow.
• 1:06:05
  Because that's in the song.
• 1:06:06
  They say it three times in the song.
• 1:06:08
  Yeah.
• 1:06:08
  By default, I'm doing it in groups of three.
• 1:06:10
  yeah that's why it's at least nine times i was grateful for the one i'm like okay they got and
• 1:06:17
  then the second batch i was like oh it's christmas no it's hanukkah oh well congratulations thank you
• 1:06:26
  i bet you like this game again i did i liked it last week too it's been fun i was just razzing
• 1:06:32
  you guys all those times i'm a razzler it's what you do all right well i guess
• 1:06:40
  Goodbye.
• 1:06:42
  Fuck me.
• 1:06:44
  Oh, we gotta go.
• 1:06:45
  I got plans.
• 1:06:46
  Bye.