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The Urgency to Explain: Breaking the Cycle of Over-Explaining · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for taking some time to hang out here with me.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: So, here we go.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: You sent the text, then you read it back, then you sent another one to clarify the first text.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And now you're sitting there, hours later, drafting a third one in your head.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Does any of that sound familiar?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: You're reworking the sentence, you're softening the edge, you're adding the context that will finally, finally make the other person understand what you meant.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: They're not going to understand.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: You already know that because some part of you knew it before you sent the first message.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: And yet here you are, still building the case, still gathering the evidence, still trying to win some type of verdict from someone who has closed the trial a long time ago.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is you're trying to clarify yourself and trying to explain yourself to somebody who already has decided whatever their opinion is.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's what I want to go over today.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I want to talk about the over-explaining that we do, the over-explaining, the over-justifying, the exhausting compulsion to make people understand you.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: So if you do this, I want you to know two things before we really even dive in.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: One, there's nothing wrong with you.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: And two, you're not weak.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, a third one, too.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: You're not annoying.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: They're just running on a survival strategy that uh that's kept you safe before, right?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're gonna look at it together.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I really want to make sure that we're looking at this without shame.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I want to just offer the ability to look at this differently with some curiosity.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to describe the pattern so we all kind of are on the same page together.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Someone misreads you, right?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they accuse you of something you didn't do, maybe they take your tone the wrong way, maybe they just decide you're the problem.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then something in your chest feels tight and urgent, you feel this need to pull.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's almost like this physical response to it, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I have to explain this.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it feels super urgent.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: You feel like you need to lay it all out, you need to explain, you need to walk them through all of your reasoning step by step so that they can see it your way.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so then you do, you explain, and it doesn't land, right?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: They have some pushback.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So then you explain it more.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: You add more detail, you add more context, you apologize for things that you're not even sure you did, but you're trying to keep the conversation open and you're trying to keep that door open, right?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like we want to keep the conversation going.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want them to close the door on us.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so you replay this exchange, maybe even for days afterwards, and maybe even draft better versions, sharper versions of the original thing that you sent them.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because really you're just you're still, they've got to get this.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like I've got to make them understand.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Really, what's happening underneath all of this is this belief that, and it's probably invisible to you, but if I can just make them understand, I'll be okay.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: And that's usually what's what's running, right?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I need you to stay with me on this because it may not make total sense at first.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: But it if you stay with me on this, it might actually change how you how you might see your own pattern of overexplaining.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: So to a regulated nervous system, being misunderstood, it feels uncomfortable, right?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't feel good.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's mildly annoying.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, maybe you try to correct the record once, but you're able to move on.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: You really don't think about it again.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: You're able to kind of put it out of your mind.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: But to a nervous system that has been maybe shaped by toxic dynamics or controlling dynamics, being misunderstood is more than just feeling uncomfortable.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: It actually feels super unsafe.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: It feels um, I I often use the word discombobulating, but it's even worse than that.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: It feels, it almost feels a little bit dangerous.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a reason because when you live with someone who controls through distortion or manipulation, who rewrites what you've said, who twists the meaning, who decides your intentions for you, you learn really quickly that the gap between what you meant and what they claim you meant is where punishment actually lives, right?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: That gap is where the silent treatment starts.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe the rage happens, or potentially uh a week-long withdrawal, right?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: The story they tell other people about you is where that what lives within that gap.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: So your system learned a strategy.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta close that gap and I gotta close it fast and I gotta close it completely and leave no room for them to fill it with their version.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta explain until there's no space left for any distortion or manipulation to grow.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you do that, it still happens, right?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I really want to just make sure that I'm being clear that that over-explaining is a protection mechanism.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's a defense, it's how you try to control the one variable that continues to hurt you, uh, which is the difference between your truth and how they tell it.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: So you aren't trying to win the argument, you were trying to survive actually what happens after being misunderstood by someone uh who uses your words as weapons.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I I want to just make sure that that's clear and that that distinction is being heard, right?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: So this isn't a personality flaw that we just need to, oh, there's something wrong with me, I need to fix it.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually recognizing and understanding, oh my gosh, this is a protective intelligence that is being used.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's being used in this, in this, in the world, so to speak.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I don't need to use it all the time, right?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because in that dynamic, the toxic dynamic, it was required.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: But what happens is uh once you leave that dynamic, it could be a relationship, it could be a workplace environment.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um the strategy that you use to survive that overexplaining, it goes with you.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: So now every time that you're in conversation with somebody, it doesn't matter who you're talking to, you overexplain.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: So it could be with a friend, but it could also be with a customer service rep, right?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or to people who are never gonna hurt you for being misunderstood.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: But but what happens is this defense mechanism, this protective intelligence that you've used to survive actually has become the norm for you.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and so you do this in all of these situations, but it's actually quite exhausting.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I think about the actual cost, um, it costs enormous energy, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Every over-explanation is a small expenditure that your nervous system um is having to put out and your nervous system's already depleted.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: So what ends up happening is you feel really drained after most of your interactions.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: And you're, I mean, I don't know if you've ever asked yourself, you're like, why am I so tired after some of these interactions?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: It invites the question of like, uh, what energy are you putting out during those interactions?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Is it possible that those are interactions where you are overexplaining?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: It also costs to your own dignity in a very quiet way.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you overexplain to somebody who might have already decided that what you're saying is not believable, they already have their position decided, you put yourself kind of in this position of, you know, being somewhat on this witness stand and they're they're the judge and jury, right?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and truth be told, you're trying to like somehow win their acceptance or win them over.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And you shouldn't have to do that in every relationship all the time, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: It also costs you your own discernment because when you treat every misunderstanding as an emergency or every time that I've got to overexplain and over-justify myself, you start to lose track of when you actually should be able or when when it would be helpful to give more information versus not.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: You just always do it.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so the question about this isn't, you know, um, you know, I have to make a whole shift.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's just recognizing, you know, who in your life has earned uh earned getting more context from you, right?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes there are people who actually haven't earned, earned more context.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there are people that don't need to know the context.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I even catch myself doing that sometimes when I'm I'm scheduling appointments.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's almost like I want to default to giving them a whole list of reasons behind why I'm you know looking for X time.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just like, oh wow, that's that's my protective, because I definitely have it, the over-explaining, over-justifying.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't talk about this from you know not having any experience.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I've had this too.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, it's recognizing where in our life are we doing that and and almost pausing and stopping that conversation where I can just say, I would like this time for my appointment.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to give them that that uh overexplanation.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, really it's about discerning which people need more context and which people don't.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do you actually start to shift it?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, because you know, recognizing the pattern is one thing, understanding it's another thing, but interrupting it in the moment is even yet another level.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: So the very first thing to notice is urgency.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, that tight, rushed feeling where you feel like you've got to give more information, um, that urgency is almost like a survival pattern.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're feeling that sense of urgency um and tightness, just pay attention to it and just when you feel it, pause, slow down.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do I actually need to obey this?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Is there something really urgent here?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: Do I have to respond to this in an urgent manner or can I take my time responding?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: The the second thing is to um question you in yourself and just say, like, do I need to explain this?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um not how do I word this so I get it right, but just, you know, is this a person who is actually even trying to understand me?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so if I give more information, is it going to even be received?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Or is this somebody that I'm trying to prove my point to and get them to, you know, accept me?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Or um, you know, uh, I'm I'm I'm chasing acceptance by this person.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's important to notice too.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: The third is to reframe.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and what I want to really reframe here is, you know, being understood is not the same thing as being safe.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: So what's happened is your nervous system has fused those two things together because of whatever that past experience has been.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: But they're really not the same thing.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: You can actually be completely misunderstood by someone and also completely safe by them.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: As a parent of teenagers, I am honestly misunderstood by them a lot and I feel perfectly safe with my teenagers, and vice versa.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: They feel like I misunderstand them at times, and yet they also feel completely safe with me.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: So those two things are not mutually exclusive, it's just that sometimes we fuse them together and we've we've created this narrative that if this person doesn't understand me or doesn't get me, then our nervous system feels like now we have to offend for our survival.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to manage everyone's understanding you anymore.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe this was a job that you were forced into, this was a survival pattern, and it's just important to recognize that you don't have to continue that all the time.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: I do want to add a caveat.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, there is a difference between um releasing the compulsion to overexplain and shutting down all communication.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to be really clear that when I'm talking about this, I'm not advocating just becoming really cold and refusing to never clarify and just kind of being silent with people.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's not what I'm saying at all.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: The people who have earned your context still deserve it, right?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I'm having conversations with my kids, for instance, I'll give them context.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's not because I need to overexplain it in order to prove something to them, but context is helpful because when they have that context, they can understand it.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: That would be an example where those individuals have earned the context, right?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: So the goal here isn't to just never explain things, it's to choose when you like, you know, have agency over when you're explaining something versus constantly feeling compelled to and almost being an autopilot over explaining.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, you're not too much, you were never annoying.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: And the truth is you're overexplaining was what kept you safe.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I really want you to just hear that.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, you don't have to continue the same pattern, though.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: This is the point is that we get to become aware of something, and then we get to make a choice as to whether or not it continues to serve us, when it continues to serve us, if it continues to serve us, and we get to do something different.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: So just notice, right?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: The next time that you feel this urgency to explain yourself or you notice that you're you're offering something and you keep talking or you keep rewriting something, that would be an invitation to pause and to see if you want to choose a different path for yourself.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you don't owe everybody an explanation.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: You don't owe everybody context.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you would love to chat with me about how coaching can help support you on something like this or something else that you might be working on to move yourself forward professionally or personally, feel free to chat with me anytime at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authenticme.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.