Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Six Kinds of Loving a Healthy Relationship Needs

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Six Kinds of Loving a Healthy Relationship Needs · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In thoughtful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to talk about the kinds of love, or particularly six kinds, of loving that a healthy relationship needs to thrive.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: So the first kind of loving that we need in a healthy relationship is loving, care, and kindness.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Loving care and loving kindness.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship needs care and kindness in order to thrive.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're thinking about your relationship, do you each actively care for one another?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you do kind things for one another?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Which is easy if acts of service is one of your love languages.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's second nature to show up and do kind things for your partner.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not, however, one of your primary love languages, but it is one of your partners, it's something to tend to.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: So showing up and showing love and care and kindness through acts of service can be really important.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do you actively seek that out, whether by design, because you need the reminder, or whether it's just part of your wheelhouse, part of what you do and part of your relationship?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so, in this, when I'm talking about this, I'm not actually talking about self-sacrificing or putting your own needs at the bottom of the list, putting your partner's joy and happiness and satisfaction ahead of yours, but building that loving, care, and kindness into your everyday feeds a healthy relationship.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do you choose to share or offer or do things that bring and bring joy to each other and show that you care and show and demonstrate kindness?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Are you showing up with loving, care and kindness?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do you wake up every day with a conscious or subconscious question about how you can show up for each other with loving, care, and kindness?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you are you there for your partner?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you showing up for your partner?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Are they there for you?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you each an afterthought in what is otherwise a really busy life?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's easy for that to happen.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So are you genuinely showing up with care, loving care, loving kindness, genuinely wanting the best for your partner every day, the best for your relationship?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking about how you are showing loving care and loving kindness towards each other, tending to one another.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: The second kind of love is loving interest and loving curiosity, and they're intertwined.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm talking about loving interest, I'm not talking about exact exactly aligned shared common interests or hobbies, you know.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So your partner might like classical music and you don't, or you enjoy the beach and he or she enjoys the mountains or the snow.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, this is not necessarily about sharing the exact same interests.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Although some shared and common interests or hobbies are pretty helpful if you want to spend time together, or if you like, you know, if you like doing the same things, it's it's helpful.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm talking about here with when I'm talking about loving interest and loving curiosity is more about showing loving interest in your person, the person that they are, their life journey, being interested and curious about the seasons of their life, what's happening for them, showing loving interests for them and their human experience.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, being interested and curious about their hopes and their dreams, their likes and their dislikes, importantly, you know, being interested and curious about one another's future vision, your life plans and your goals, you know, loving interest in what at a really core level is most important to each other.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you do that for them, and likewise they do that for you.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: So loving interest and loving curiosity in what makes each of you tick, what lights you up, what your core life values are.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And on the flip side of that, when things don't align or you're not on the same page, how can you lead with curiosity?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Loving curiosity, rather than drop into judgment or shame or blame about differences, how can you embrace difference, embrace your partner and meet them with curiosity?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Can showing up for a place from a place of loving curiosity really open you up to new experiences, new interests, or a deeper connection, a deeper understanding of one another?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Loving interest and loving curiosity.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Number three is loving acceptance.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can you honestly say that you love and accept your partner exactly as they are for who they are right now?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or are there secret or maybe not so secret things you want to change about them?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Things you want to change, things you want them to change about themselves.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, do you think if only he or if only she, dot dot dot, do you think if only on the regular about your partner?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or can you honestly say that you love and accept them without condition?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Are you in love with or invested in maybe their potential, the possibility who of who they could be, if only?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you really love them without condition, without judgment, wholly, fully accept accepting, finding that hard to say, accepting them for who they are right now?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are you holding, loving, and accepting the person your partner is, or are you trying to mould them, shape them, shift them, change them into what you want them to be?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some potential future version of themselves that you hope they would or believe they could become.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: So loving acceptance is about releasing that control, releasing or relinquishing, trying to white knuckle some outcome or some change that you want to create, genuinely detaching from that and exploring life and each other with curiosity and accepting each other for who you are right now in this moment rather than hoping for or clinging to some potential dreaming of the changes that you you'd most like to see.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Loving acceptance.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Does it show up?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Are you are you lovingly accepting of one another?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number four is loving, understanding and compassion.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do you show up for yourself, for your partner, for your relationship in this space with loving understanding and loving compassion?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Holding them in whatever season of life they're in, the celebration or the trenches, the joy or the sadness.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do you show up with loving understanding and loving compassion?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Holding their hand, walking solidly beside them.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Again, not self-sacrificing and put putting your needs last, not trying to fix things for them or fix them or change them like we talked about before with loving acceptance.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are you really there for each other through the seasons of life, through the ups and the downs, as I said, the trenches and the celebrations, really deeply understanding and compassionately holding space for one another?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And a part of that is still speaking your truth, compassionately speaking your truth, and understanding and accepting that your partner might not share the same truth.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So lovingly understanding, lovingly love being lovingly understanding and lovingly compassionate when there's difference.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Again, bringing curiosity to that and empathy to the relationship and to each other, particularly when there are differences, allowing those differences to coexist or to exist in your relationship, which also goes back to that loving acceptance piece that we were talking about before, and still holding each other with understanding and compassion, walking side by side together, but in the same direction and with that same um desired life goal, that shared vision, loving interest, loving curiosity, loving understanding, and loving compassion.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Number five is loving connection, and this is all about engagement and presence.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there's so much in this.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: I could talk probably do a whole episode on loving connection.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um but for a relationship to thrive and be healthy and stretch and grow the both the both of you to hold and love and honour and support all of all parts of you, all parts of both of you, there needs to be loving connection.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Being present with each other, not always.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, we're we're all going to be distracted at some points, and that's when you know when I talk about seasons.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: There are seasons in a relationship, there are seasons in a week of a relationship, but not always being distracted and busy and aloof and disengaged.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that might happen, but it's coming back to the connection, listening to each other and deeply listening to hear and understand, not just waiting for your next opportunity to speak.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Love and connection is fed by deeply listening to one another, really hearing what each other has to say, turning towards each other, turning towards each other's bids for attention and connection.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: If and if you don't know what I'm talking about with bids and connection, there is another episode, and I'll drop a link in the show notes about turning towards bids and connection.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So turning towards each other's bids for attention, reaching for each other.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Physically, yes, but metaphorically also reaching out to one another repeatedly through your days, making sure you remain connected and engaged with one another, even if you're spending time apart.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Getting out of your head, getting out of your head and really being present, dropping back into your body, dropping back into presence when you're together, leaving enough white space for the two of you, being really mindfully present with each other, rather than being up in your head, busy brain, um ruminating over past events, whether that's stuff that's gone down between you or just life in general, future tripping, worrying about other things, projecting, really focus on being present.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Presence leads to a loving connection.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: And another really important component of loving connection, of course, is loving communication.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I probably could have split this one out into its into its own little entity, but I've chosen to keep it tucked under the umbrella of loving connection.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy communication, being able to express yourself lovingly, compassionately, kindly, with curiosity, being able to hear your partner, being able to hear from your partner, having those deep and yes, sometimes the hard conversations, healthily, lovingly, communicating, sharing thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, needs, asking from a place of connection for your needs to be met.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Asking from a place of connection first for your needs to be met, and then that feeds on itself.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: So healthy communication feeds into a cycle of having one's needs met needs met and then feeds into that loving connection, deepens the loving connection.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So healthy communication really underpins loving connection, tending to one another and to the relationship with the kindness and compassion and curiosity that we talked about, that I talked about earlier, leaving judgment, blame, shame, criticism out of your relationship and approaching each other with that curiosity and a real desire to be better humans, to build a healthier, happier, better, more connected version of your relationship.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Loving connection, underpinned, as I said, by presence and communication.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, and this one is going to sound counterintuitive in the beginning, in the first instance.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Number six is loving conflict.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know, as I said, it seems counter-intuintuitive when I'm talking about love and healthy relationships, but a healthy relationship is not one which is completely devoid of conflict.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship is not one where you never disagree, where you never argue, where you never have a misunderstanding.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship does require resolution of conflict.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: So meeting conflict with love, which is why it's included in my kinds of loving a healthy relationship needs.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the the capacity of a couple to heal from conflict, to heal after rupture, is one of the biggest predictors of whether a relationship will survive long term.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So how you meet and move through and resolve differences and conflict.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can do that with love, if you can do that with loving compassion, loving kindness, loving understanding, all the other parts, you have the capacity to build a healthy or healthier relationship.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And no one really likes conflict, no one really welcomes it.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: But it is inevitable as two humans in a relationship that you're gonna come into conflict, you're gonna bump up against each other, you're gonna rub each other in ways that trigger and poke and activate one another.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's part of being in a relationship.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: So the healthy relationship requires that you bring healthy, loving, self-loving ways of navigating and moving through the conflict to the end, to a resolution.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not running from it or blocking it, not shutting down, but standing in it.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Standing in that discomfort of conflict to create a more loving, deeper, connected relationship.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Having those deep and sometimes hard conversations is vital to creating healthy relationships.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you run from that, if you shut down from that, you're shutting down a part of yourself.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that will come back.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: That will come back to bite at some point.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: So healthy repair from conflict, healthy repair from rupture, healthy resolution of conflict really is crucial.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to lovingly find your way back to one another after an argument, after conflict or after rupture, to lovingly own what's yours, to lovingly apologize, make good and move through the conflict and repair, repair the rupture, reconnect to one another with love.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: So loving conflict.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: In summary, my six my six forms of love or loving that a healthy relationship requires to thrive.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, loving care and kindness.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, loving interest and curiosity.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, loving acceptance.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, loving understanding and compassion.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, loving connection.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: And number six, loving conflict.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you get something out of this.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if there's another form of loving that you think is really important to forming and co-creating a healthy, harmonious, happy, loving relationship.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for sharing time and space with me.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in the life.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Liberate.