Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Beyond the Baby Books: What No One Tells You About Early Parenthood | Ep. 140

Transcript

Beyond the Baby Books: What No One Tells You About Early Parenthood | Ep. 140 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Becoming a parent changes everything them often in ways you never imagined.
• 0:13
  From the practical challenges to the emotional whirlwind.
• 0:17
  It can feel overwhelming.
• 0:20
  Today on the Parenting Podcast, we're focusing on the journey of expectant and new parents.
• 0:27
  Whether you're preparing to welcome your baby, cradling your newborn, or just tuning in to learn, I'm Sheralang, your host, and I'm glad you're here.
• 0:39
  If you've ever found yourself wondering Am I doing this right or feeling like maybe you are the only one who's overwhelmed?
• 0:50
  You are not alone.
• 0:52
  So join us as we explore how to find your footing and care for yourself as you step into this life changing, wonderful role.
• 1:11
  Christie: I'm so excited.
• 1:13
  Christie: I can finally say to the world.
• 1:17
  Christie: I am getting a grandbaby! Yay! We're so excited.
• 1:20
  Christie: Big news at our house.
• 1:22
  Christie: Boom.
• 1:22
  Christie: A
• 1:22
  Cheryl: little girl due around Christmas time.
• 1:25
  Cheryl: Christy, it's been so hard for us to keep our mouths shut.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Us.
• 1:29
  Christie: Oh, it's, we're just so excited, and you know, I have all girls, so I think it's just an extension of all the girl party I've been raising for all these years.
• 1:37
  Christie: But you get
• 1:37
  Ellen: to get baby girl clothes.
• 1:39
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:40
  Ellen: That's really fun.
• 1:40
  Ellen: Oh, I
• 1:41
  Christie: know, and when you imagine your little grandbaby and uh, everything's so sweet, and so yes, thank you guys for being excited with our family.
• 1:48
  Christie: Oh,
• 1:49
  Ellen: absolutely.
• 1:50
  Ellen: Well, I've always said, and I say this very carefully, It's a lot more fun than parenting, because you just get all the good stuff in the grandkids.
• 1:58
  Ellen: You don't have to do any of the hard stuff.
• 2:00
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:00
  Ellen: The stressful decisions.
• 2:01
  Ellen: Because it is the good stuff at parenting.
• 2:02
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:03
  Ellen: That
• 2:03
  Cheryl: I love you to the bottom of your toes, to the depth of your heart.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: But if
• 2:08
  Ellen: they forget to brush their teeth, it doesn't matter.
• 2:11
  Ellen: You know, because they're going to go home tomorrow and they can brush their teeth.
• 2:13
  Ellen: Yes.
• 2:15
  Ellen: Oh, you
• 2:15
  Cheryl: want two
• 2:15
  Ellen: more
• 2:16
  Cheryl: cookies.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: Yeah, exactly.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: What would it hurt?
• 2:18
  Ellen: Yes.
• 2:19
  Ellen: Whatever you want to do is
• 2:20
  Christie: fine.
• 2:20
  Christie: Just don't write on the wall.
• 2:21
  Christie: Right.
• 2:22
  Christie: Right.
• 2:22
  Christie: I love it.
• 2:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:23
  Christie: We're so excited.
• 2:24
  Christie: So,
• 2:24
  Cheryl: what are your plans?
• 2:25
  Cheryl: Like, aren't you going next week to go visit?
• 2:27
  Christie: Um, yes.
• 2:27
  Christie: I'm moving in to the best guest room.
• 2:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Christie: No, yeah.
• 2:31
  Christie: They're in Phoenix and we're here in Oklahoma, but we will make every effort to be there when the baby gets here and visit as much as possible and I'm so thrilled.
• 2:41
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:43
  Christie: I am learning that it has been.
• 2:46
  Christie: Two decades since I had a baby and everything is so different It's out there.
• 2:53
  Christie: It's
• 2:53
  Cheryl: like you could see you're involved in new babies now.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: So what's different?
• 2:57
  Cheryl: What would you say?
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Gosh, I
• 2:58
  Christie: mean mainly the biggest thing is all of the Paraphernalia.
• 3:04
  Christie: Yes, all of the contractions and technology and, you know, there's a, a video monitor for the car instead of the mirror, you know, we had like the rear view mirror thing.
• 3:15
  Christie: No, well, that was, I guess, sometimes reflecting light on the baby that like sunlight.
• 3:21
  Christie: And so they have a video camera for the front seat that mom can look at that back to the baby and her parents can look at.
• 3:29
  Christie: And
• 3:29
  Cheryl: so what you're saying is not only is there more stuff, but the price has skyrocketed.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: Yes, everything.
• 3:35
  Cheryl: Yes, that
• 3:35
  Christie: is true.
• 3:36
  Christie: Because there were lots of bougie things when my babies were babies too, but, um, yeah, it's just, it's so fun.
• 3:42
  Christie: Everything's cute again.
• 3:43
  Christie: And yeah.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: Meaning.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: And, you know, it's just a gift from God.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: That here you are empty nesting.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Yes, and you're losing that aspect of Ryan and then look at the joy That he gives for those of us that are blessed to be grandparents.
• 4:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: Yes, you know, it is for sure a blessing.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Yes Just thrilled.
• 4:06
  Ellen: Yeah, we're on 17 grandchildren and now we got Two great grandchildren.
• 4:11
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 4:13
  Ellen: That just seems so weird because I'm like, Oh, I'm going to be a great grandmother.
• 4:15
  Ellen: I barely feel like a grandmother.
• 4:17
  Ellen: That's so, that's another promotion.
• 4:19
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: And think how you can indulge your great grandchildren.
• 4:23
  Cheryl: I know.
• 4:24
  Ellen: And it's weird because I'm still young enough.
• 4:26
  Ellen: I could have great great grandchildren.
• 4:28
  Ellen: Wow.
• 4:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:29
  Ellen: That's so true.
• 4:30
  Ellen: You know, because I mean, my family lives into their 90s.
• 4:33
  Christie: Mm
• 4:33
  Ellen: hmm.
• 4:33
  Ellen: So.
• 4:34
  Ellen: And all
• 4:34
  Christie: y'all
• 4:34
  Cheryl: started kind of
• 4:35
  Christie: early.
• 4:36
  Christie: I knew my great great grandma.
• 4:38
  Christie: I was in the five generation picture with my great great grandma.
• 4:41
  Christie: And then my daughter knew her great great grandma for a year.
• 4:43
  Christie: But yeah, that's kind of neat.
• 4:45
  Christie: I
• 4:45
  Ellen: know it is.
• 4:46
  Ellen: It's really weird.
• 4:46
  Ellen: I know I knew a Great great aunt.
• 4:50
  Ellen: Okay.
• 4:50
  Ellen: And that was on my grandfather's side.
• 4:52
  Ellen: So that was really weird, too.
• 4:54
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:54
  Ellen: You know, because you're looking at them when you're a kid, you're like, oh my gosh, they're so old.
• 4:59
  Ellen: And they kind of were, but you know, it really seems old when you're young.
• 5:03
  Ellen: Right.
• 5:03
  Christie: Yeah, the, the term grandma is, is feeling a little awkward and clumsy to put on just yet.
• 5:10
  Christie: You do
• 5:10
  Ellen: get to pick, you can pick your name.
• 5:12
  Ellen: Yes, I will
• 5:13
  Christie: have my own special grandma to be.
• 5:16
  Christie: Announced at a later date.
• 5:17
  Christie: But yes, we're really excited.
• 5:19
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:19
  Christie: It's a fun thing.
• 5:20
  Christie: You get to pick and
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Knowing that we are getting to make the big announcement today.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Yes, I thought it would be interesting and appropriate for us to do something.
• 5:31
  Cheryl: We've never done before.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: Okay is talk to to expectant new moms.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: So we've talked a lot of things generally, but particularly recently, I met with a young mom who has not had her baby yet.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:48
  Cheryl: And so we just had really good conversation.
• 5:49
  Cheryl: I had a lot of questions.
• 5:51
  Cheryl: And she sure did.
• 5:51
  Cheryl: And just perspective and so I have a whole bunch of questions that have been saved up from expectant moms that we've just never talked about it.
• 6:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:03
  Ellen: Well, yeah.
• 6:03
  Ellen: It's such a new experience for a new family like that and overwhelming.
• 6:08
  Christie: Well, and there's overwhelming, there's so many things that you don't know that you don't know.
• 6:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:11
  Christie: You don't know what to ask.
• 6:12
  Christie: You don't know what to register for.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: One of the things that we talked about, and this is across the board, there's just so much information out there.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: inundation, how many.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: Videos how many everything and everybody has opinions.
• 6:28
  Cheryl: Yes, and
• 6:29
  Ellen: everyone
• 6:29
  Cheryl: wants to sell you something You need this but just the overwhelm Feeling because rather than a lack of information, there's so much right?
• 6:41
  Cheryl: So I thought that's what we could look at today maybe sort of I've got some questions here and a way that we can do it sort of to help prepare for parenthood Um, and these are more sort of emotional, relational questions.
• 6:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: You want to dive into that?
• 6:59
  Cheryl: Yeah, sounds good.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: So let me ask you all, so let's go back into the dark ages.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:07
  Cheryl: Like for you all, what was maybe the biggest surprise or challenge when you were a new mom?
• 7:14
  Cheryl: Particularly in the early months or just as a brand new mom off the bat?
• 7:19
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 7:21
  Christie: I think the biggest surprise that I had was the the way a baby permeates every aspect of your entire life.
• 7:31
  Christie: I think I had an idea that I could keep things a little more contained.
• 7:35
  Christie: Here's the
• 7:35
  Ellen: crib and the room they go in.
• 7:37
  Ellen: Let me show you to your room,
• 7:39
  Christie: and this is where you'll be living, and here's the kitchen if you need anything.
• 7:42
  Christie: No, it really did feel, um, more invasive than I thought I would have to give up so much of my
• 7:51
  Cheryl: life.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Well, and also emotionally.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: I had no idea that I would be radically changed the moment she was born.
• 8:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:03
  Christie: In good ways and in challenging ways.
• 8:06
  Christie: Right.
• 8:07
  Ellen: And you have hormones racing through you.
• 8:09
  Ellen: Yes.
• 8:09
  Ellen: Especially the first year after you've had a baby.
• 8:12
  Ellen: So now you're a new mom with a million hormones.
• 8:15
  Ellen: Right.
• 8:15
  Ellen: And all these things, depending on what your background is.
• 8:19
  Ellen: Some stuff will be so new to you.
• 8:21
  Ellen: I mean, I never even held a baby until I held my own child.
• 8:25
  Ellen: Wow.
• 8:26
  Ellen: Cause I refused to babysit cause I didn't like kids, but you know, I didn't like children.
• 8:33
  Ellen: I like to babysit.
• 8:34
  Ellen: It was like, you know, I want to babysit for 50 cents an hour.
• 8:38
  Ellen: I'll
• 8:38
  Cheryl: do it for free.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: When he was born.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: Did everything change?
• 8:43
  Ellen: Yes.
• 8:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:44
  Ellen: And it but it was very overwhelming.
• 8:46
  Ellen: I mean, you know, I just I didn't I don't think I understood how much was going to be involved.
• 8:52
  Christie: Right?
• 8:53
  Ellen: You know,
• 8:53
  Christie: yeah.
• 8:54
  Christie: And how much you feel The weight of the world in your hands.
• 8:58
  Christie: Yes, you know did and rightfully so Yes,
• 9:01
  Ellen: you can't leave them in the crib and go I'll be back in
• 9:03
  Cheryl: two
• 9:04
  Ellen: hours All right after I've gone to the mall and had some fun
• 9:08
  Cheryl: Well and seeing I had a different experience I was the oldest sister of two little sisters, and I really help my mom a lot.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: And I did tons of babysitting.
• 9:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: And then I was a teacher.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: So I thought, Oh, I know exactly what it's going to feel like because I've babysat so much.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: I knew as little as you did.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:30
  Cheryl: It was a brand new experience on every level.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: Yeah, absolutely.
• 9:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:36
  Ellen: I know for our family, because it was so big, having babies was really good.
• 9:41
  Ellen: I mean, our last baby was a little girl, and then I had two daughters in the middle.
• 9:44
  Ellen: So they, you know, were two.
• 9:45
  Ellen: 10 and 8 or something, I think, when she was born.
• 9:48
  Ellen: So they were wonderful babysitters, caregivers, and of course, to them, I would have to ask to get my child back.
• 9:53
  Ellen: I need to feed the baby.
• 9:55
  Ellen: Could you give her back to me?
• 9:56
  Ellen: She was their little baby doll.
• 9:57
  Ellen: Yeah, they, oh no, that's exactly what they thought.
• 10:00
  Ellen: They, you know, which, poor child, they changed her clothes at least three times a day.
• 10:03
  Ellen: Oh! And it was really sweet.
• 10:06
  Ellen: But, you know, that's the luxury of when you have a lot of kids and everybody can help, But at the same time, that first child is so overwhelming
• 10:14
  Cheryl: okay, so, we said the word overwhelming.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: All of us would say it is like the most delightful thing ever.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: Yeah, yes.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: Becoming a mom.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: So, how can we speak into that instead of saying, oh boy, is it going to be overwhelming?
• 10:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: Instead say, it is, but it's also overwhelming and the most wonderful thing you could imagine.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 10:35
  Ellen: Well, I think I just felt overwhelmed, Cheryl.
• 10:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:38
  Ellen: I just remember being you know, I'm, I'm.
• 10:40
  Ellen: I'm away from family.
• 10:43
  Ellen: I'm, you know, we're a military family.
• 10:44
  Ellen: We're in the middle of nowhere.
• 10:46
  Ellen: And it was overwhelming.
• 10:48
  Christie: I think one of the things is that it is so overwhelming for good reason out of all of us.
• 10:56
  Christie: You, you love this child painfully, so much so.
• 11:00
  Christie: And you want to do
• 11:01
  Ellen: everything right.
• 11:01
  Ellen: Yes.
• 11:02
  Christie: And so that's what makes it overwhelming, is, is the goodness of the whole thing, of parenthood, that you care so much about every single decision being done so well, and, um, which is a delight, but a weight at the same time.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: And maybe that would be one thing I would say to young moms, is Everything doesn't carry that weight.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: Don't take that on.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 11:31
  Cheryl: That, all of parenting, but certainly when you're just starting out.
• 11:36
  Carol: don't take on all the issues of the whole world instead.
• 11:42
  Carol: enjoy your baby.
• 11:43
  Carol: Yeah,
• 11:44
  Ellen: whether you buy this brand of diapers or that brand of diapers is not going to make any difference in the long term.
• 11:49
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:49
  Ellen: You know, as long as you're not getting wet and they're not getting wet, everything's okay.
• 11:53
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:53
  Ellen: That's a good way to say it.
• 11:55
  Ellen: You can just
• 11:56
  Cheryl: change it.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: You know, that's the thing.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: I would say that I go enjoy more instead of being worried about every single thing, you know, because there's so much information, I mean, yeah, you have to figure out what are you gonna do about schedules and nursing and breastfeeding and what kind of labor and delivery are you going to have all of those things, right?
• 12:19
  Cheryl: Just take it a little bit at a time.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: And remember to enjoy it.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: That's
• 12:26
  Ellen: really, really
• 12:26
  Cheryl: good.
• 12:27
  Cheryl: Also, something else you said, Ellen, is You're away from family and friends, you know, you were moved in military.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: And so that's the thing is to keep community around.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, because if you don't
• 12:41
  Ellen: have any helpers, because that was my problem.
• 12:42
  Ellen: I didn't have anybody to give me a break.
• 12:44
  Ellen: And Mike sometimes would be gone.
• 12:46
  Ellen: three to four days physically gone out in the field.
• 12:50
  Ellen: So I'm alone with this new baby feeling absolutely overwhelmed and tired and he happened to have some tummy troubles.
• 12:58
  Ellen: So he's very colicky.
• 13:00
  Ellen: And so then I'm being very self condemning thinking I must be the worst mom.
• 13:03
  Ellen: My baby's got colic and he's crying.
• 13:06
  Ellen: I don't know how to help him.
• 13:08
  Ellen: And right, you know, it was really overwhelming.
• 13:11
  Christie: Yeah, I think that's something else that we need to address, too, is the feeling that I need to do everything on my own.
• 13:18
  Christie: And yes, you are their sole caregiver and need meter, but we have needs, too.
• 13:24
  Christie: Parents have needs and need those people around us that can step in and if people are willing to help, let them.
• 13:30
  Christie: You know, you may have certain things that you don't want help with, but you, there's certainly things that you could delegate.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: Yeah, like somebody just was asking me yesterday that.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Um, her good friend is getting ready to have their first baby and she said, well, I'm in charge of setting up, um, share meals.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: What's the, what's the, Oh, like the meal train, meal train.
• 13:52
  Cheryl: And she said, so how often do they need it?
• 13:54
  Cheryl: Well, it's just the couple and the baby.
• 13:56
  Cheryl: So I said, well, maybe every other day, you know, for two weeks would be really nice.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 14:03
  Ellen: I also say, let a lot of people do that in the beginning.
• 14:06
  Ellen: And you be the person that brings a meal at six weeks.
• 14:09
  Ellen: Oh, that's because that's where everybody forgets by the six week point, they think you're all fine.
• 14:14
  Ellen: That's, that's the point where you just really get exhausted.
• 14:18
  Ellen: Because the newness of your baby starting to wear off a little bit.
• 14:23
  Cheryl: And they're getting older, so they're changing rather than being that brand newborn about six, eight weeks.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: And fatigue is set in.
• 14:30
  Ellen: You know, you're really tired by about six weeks.
• 14:32
  Ellen: So if you can have people bring you meals at six to eight weeks, that's good.
• 14:36
  Ellen: Really a big help.
• 14:38
  Ellen: It's really good.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: And again, it doesn't have to be fancy and, you know, thanks to 2020, we have Grubhub and everything But meals are helpful, just not pizza every time.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: That's
• 14:50
  my only addition there.
• 14:52
  Yeah, that's so true.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: we talk about it all the time here, in parenting, community is so important.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: And.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: I would encourage young moms not just to have their peer group to be there.
• 15:06
  Cheryl: We've talked about it before, but this is the place where more seasoned moms, if you can just have one to say, What do I do?
• 15:15
  Cheryl: You know, or I don't know what to do.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: When should I call the doctor?
• 15:19
  Cheryl: And just have community around you to encourage you and to give you a break if you need it.
• 15:26
  Christie: Yeah, yeah, because I think You know, I remember having a peer group of other moms in my life and sometimes we would just, you know, share with each other the hardships of parenting and we just stared at each other like, yeah, it's hard.
• 15:40
  Christie: Like, I don't know what else to tell you, but having someone that's already been down the road, even a couple of years ahead of you, if you know, that's who you have connections with, it can give you some perspective because
• 15:51
  Ellen: they can go, Oh yeah, I know that's really hard right now.
• 15:53
  Ellen: But.
• 15:53
  Ellen: Trust me in another three weeks they'll be done with that right phase and you know, it'll be a lot easier.
• 15:59
  Ellen: Encourage and see
• 16:00
  Cheryl: just the voice of reason without alarmism.
• 16:04
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 16:05
  Cheryl: some wisdom in that.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: And I remember, uh, my mother-in-law came and, I don't know, spent a week with us or something when Rebecca was.
• 16:12
  Cheryl: Week old And although there's a lot that differed in the way we chose to parent, and all of that compared to her or her generation, the one thing that, uh, I was terrified to give her a bath, because babies don't go, Yay! And they're not like a little toddler splashing in the tub.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: They're
• 16:31
  Christie: slippery.
• 16:31
  Cheryl: They're slippery, and they pull their hands and their arms and everything in.
• 16:34
  Cheryl: They don't want you to open up their limbs and clean under their arms.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: And I was kind of afraid she'd break or how can I, you know, lift her arm up and clean under there in all those wrinkles because she cries.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: Oh, am I going to hurt her?
• 16:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: And my mother-in-law was really good.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: And she showed me with a little.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: And I didn't realize it because newborns keep their hands all closed and everything.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: And she opened up between her thumb and her first finger and there's that little pocket in there.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: That little gunk.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: It had a little gunk in there and I, I didn't even know that because I was afraid I was going to kind of hurt her in her bath.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: So it is good to get someone with a little season.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: For one thing, so you can relax
• 17:24
  Christie: and
• 17:24
  Cheryl: realize it's okay,
• 17:27
  Ellen: well, you know, I think it's hard, too, because, you know, as a new mom, you're trying to figure out, how do I do the things I used to do?
• 17:33
  Ellen: A lot of times you realize, I I can't even do that, but something as simple as taking a shower
• 17:39
  Christie: and
• 17:39
  Ellen: things like that.
• 17:39
  Ellen: But I can remember because my son had colic, he would cry all the time.
• 17:43
  Ellen: And sometimes I'm alone with that child for three or four days with no break, nobody around to help.
• 17:50
  Ellen: ellen,
• 17:50
  Cheryl: that's so hard.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: It was really hard.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: It
• 17:52
  Ellen: was really hard.
• 17:53
  Ellen: And I can just remember laying him in the crib, kind of crying because I couldn't comfort him.
• 17:57
  Ellen: And now, I mean, nowadays.
• 18:00
  Ellen: The good news is they have things for colic.
• 18:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:02
  Ellen: Back when, you know, that was in the 70s, they didn't really have anything for colic.
• 18:06
  Ellen: Which is reflux, is what it really is.
• 18:08
  Ellen: Yes, exactly.
• 18:09
  Ellen: And so I can just remember crying and going into the shower, entering the shower, and so I didn't have to listen to him cry.
• 18:15
  Ellen: That was like my break.
• 18:17
  Ellen: And for three minutes in the shower, I could pretend like I didn't hear any noise until they turned the shower off and he was still crying.
• 18:24
  Ellen: And see,
• 18:24
  Cheryl: and that's where I see it.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: a community and support would have changed because
• 18:29
  Ellen: when Mike was home, he could hold him.
• 18:31
  Ellen: He comfort him.
• 18:33
  Ellen: But being alone.
• 18:34
  Ellen: And I mean, I really know what it's like as a military wife should be very alone with a new baby and everybody else is busy.
• 18:42
  Cheryl: And you just didn't have community, right?
• 18:44
  Cheryl: And shower was a different thing for me because I thought to myself, if I let her cry, I'm just being selfish and self centered because I had no balance.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: And so, I would.
• 18:58
  Cheryl: Turn the shower off to listen.
• 19:00
  Cheryl: I thought I had to move at every peep.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: Is she crying because how selfish that would be for me to get a shower and to dry off.
• 19:10
  Cheryl: And she's laying there crying.
• 19:12
  Cheryl: And see if I had been humble or transparent enough to turn to the women in my church.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: And ask them.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Is that selfish of me?
• 19:24
  Cheryl: They could have just, in such a kind and graceful way, put their arm around me and go, It's okay Because she needs you to take care of yourself.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: This is balanced And you're actually probably not.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: You're training her to be selfish.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:40
  Cheryl: But, just that I had no voice of reason.
• 19:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:43
  Ellen: That's the problem, especially with your first one.
• 19:45
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:45
  Ellen: You really don't know, and you have all these hormones flooding through you, and you're trying to juggle everything,
• 19:51
  Christie: I remember with my first my first day alone, when my husband had gone back to work and wanting a shower, and I realized, wait, I don't know standard protocol for showering with a baby.
• 20:03
  Christie: I hadn't thought it through.
• 20:05
  Christie: So I'm just holding this baby staring at her and looking at the shower thinking, what?
• 20:08
  Christie: What's the plan here?
• 20:11
  Christie: And I didn't know if it was okay to leave her alone and she hadn't been in a room alone yet.
• 20:15
  Christie: I'd been with her the whole time.
• 20:17
  Christie: So I ended up bringing the bouncy seat into the bathroom, but I was worried the whole time it was getting too warm in the small little bathroom.
• 20:23
  Christie: And yeah, you just don't know what you don't know.
• 20:27
  Christie: Any any direction feels wrong.
• 20:30
  Christie: You doubt everything
• 20:31
  Cheryl: which is why we want people there that we trust and love to support us and say it's gonna be okay.
• 20:39
  Cheryl: Love your baby.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: Take care of yourself,
• 20:42
  Christie: which, you know, I think opinions of others can be a blessing and a challenge.
• 20:48
  Christie: I remember my My great grandma at the time, she was probably in her late 70s, and you know, I had the baby in the car seat, in the back seat, facing backwards in the vehicle, as you do.
• 21:02
  Christie: And she just thought that was the worst thing ever.
• 21:04
  Christie: She couldn't believe, you know, because in her day, she would have just had it in her lap.
• 21:09
  Christie: That's true.
• 21:10
  Christie: And so, yeah, I think, you know, and that's just It's a silly example, but there are so many opinions that, yes, it's important and wise to listen to opinions of others, but after you've done that, sometimes you just have to do what you know is right to do for you and your baby.
• 21:27
  Christie: And you
• 21:27
  Ellen: limit.
• 21:28
  Ellen: I think it's like everything.
• 21:30
  Ellen: You limit the amount of information because we can get on the internet now and get everything.
• 21:34
  Ellen: So limit it to one or two sites that you like and ignore the rest.
• 21:39
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 21:39
  Ellen: And then limit the friends that you wanna listen to, because that just adds a burden of confusion.
• 21:45
  Ellen: It sure does.
• 21:45
  Ellen: So if you have a couple of friends that are a little bit older, their children are older, or a mom or a grandma, yes.
• 21:51
  Ellen: Those are your go-to have just a couple of go-to people.
• 21:53
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 21:53
  Ellen: weigh it against
• 21:54
  Christie: the safety recommendations and go from there.
• 21:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: And a good pediatrician, Uhhuh who.
• 22:01
  Cheryl: I would say philosophically, you line up with right to give you okay, you can choose what you want.
• 22:08
  Cheryl: I mean, yeah, like, are you gonna bottle feed, breastfeed, paper, diaper, cloth, diaper, all of those things to kind of have someone bounce it off And so
• 22:18
  Ellen: many of them have nurses.
• 22:20
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:22
  Ellen: So you can ask them, My child's got a little fever.
• 22:24
  Ellen: Is this significant?
• 22:25
  Ellen: And they can give you the guidelines so you can take a deep breath.
• 22:28
  Ellen: Okay.
• 22:29
  Ellen: If it gets any higher or it goes for another two days, we need to come in.
• 22:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:32
  Ellen: That's,
• 22:33
  Cheryl: that's a really good thing to, again, we just want to try and take care of you, the mom.
• 22:40
  Ellen: Take the fear out of our lives.
• 22:42
  Cheryl: One of the things also, coming from young moms saying, like everything we've talked about, it sounds like you need a lot of patience and resilience in all of this.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Yes, that
• 22:55
  Christie: is true.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: When it's all this brand new territory and it feels unsteady, how would you say, okay, here's how to kind of emotionally level it out and to, Build in these qualities that every parent wants.
• 23:12
  Christie: I mean, I think, I hate to say it, but trial by fire.
• 23:15
  Christie: I was thinking too.
• 23:18
  Christie: I mean, I think, I know on this side of, you know, 25 plus years of parenting, there's only things that I could have only learned by going through parenting.
• 23:30
  Christie: I hope that's comforting to a new mom to hear that, that just because it doesn't feel natural yet, it will come.
• 23:39
  Christie: You don't know what you
• 23:40
  Ellen: don't know.
• 23:41
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:41
  Ellen: And then you experience it and you learn from that experience.
• 23:44
  Christie: Right.
• 23:45
  Christie: And I mean, I remember even up until my kids were elementary age, finding new experiences I was in.
• 23:53
  Christie: I thought, I don't know if I have what it takes to do this, you know, but especially in those early, early weeks, early months of looking around realizing I'm the adult in the house, you know, I'm the one that all of this depends on it just time after time of those experiences happening to you.
• 24:11
  Christie: You're like, Okay, we survived that one.
• 24:14
  Christie: You know, I made it through my first doctor's visit.
• 24:16
  Christie: We made it through the grocery store the first time I made it through my first night alone.
• 24:20
  Christie: And
• 24:21
  Cheryl: I would not be dismissive about those.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Because here you are an adult.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: And you think it's a doctor's visit.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Okay, it's the first fever.
• 24:32
  Cheryl: It's the first whatever, right?
• 24:34
  Cheryl: Um, Cut or like scratching their face with their sharp little fingernails.
• 24:40
  Cheryl: You just didn't think to cover them and you're failing Don't do that.
• 24:45
  Cheryl: Let's celebrate the victories.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: That was a hard thing and I made it.
• 24:49
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:49
  Cheryl: Yes
• 24:50
  Carol: You know,
• 24:51
  Cheryl: this is a whole new world and I'm gonna celebrate my victories
• 24:55
  Ellen: Yes, it's a whole new world with very small directions Maybe very few very few Yes Yeah, they may have a lot of books out there, but the actual working through is something you kind of discover on your own, how, what works for you and your family and how you're going to get through this situation and that situation.
• 25:16
  Ellen: And
• 25:17
  Cheryl: see, and I'd like that we talk about that here in all the other contexts, but what you just mentioned about with your family.
• 25:23
  Cheryl: So, particularly if you're married, that.
• 25:26
  Cheryl: You, you don't just talk about which diaper do we use, our, you know, birthing techniques, all of that, but you also talk philosophically.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: What do we really want?
• 25:38
  Cheryl: What are our big rocks for this baby and our new family?
• 25:42
  Cheryl: And that you think about and you set up your big rocks, like to love them well and to care about them and make them feel safe, which scientists and psychologists will tell you that's really what matters.
• 25:56
  Cheryl: Is that true?
• 25:58
  Cheryl: is my baby safe?
• 25:59
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:00
  Cheryl: And that's what we really care about.
• 26:02
  Ellen: And you sometimes don't know the big rocks before you start.
• 26:07
  Ellen: It's kind of like you're on the path and then you realize, Oh, I think this is really important.
• 26:12
  Cheryl: And, and you're right, kind of, it does it really matter, does it not?
• 26:18
  Cheryl: Yeah, for example, what you're saying, When it was time to begin to start settling down on some scheduling.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: oh, Bill, do we choose 8 o'clock or 8.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: 15?
• 26:31
  Cheryl: It's 8.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: 30.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: What do I do?
• 26:33
  Cheryl: I mean, really, I'm just going, Cheryl, what do I do?
• 26:37
  Cheryl: At the appropriate time and he just put his arms on me says sweetheart.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: It doesn't matter.
• 26:42
  Cheryl: Yeah, you know Let's do what works for us and for her and then shoot for trying to get some consistent and it could change Yes, that's
• 26:52
  Ellen: what I was gonna say could change because things life can change.
• 26:55
  Ellen: Let's do what works today.
• 26:57
  Christie: And not everything is a permanent decision.
• 27:00
  Christie: You know, used these diapers today or this pacifier today.
• 27:04
  Christie: Doesn't mean you can't go to Target tomorrow morning and get a different one.
• 27:06
  Christie: We had more
• 27:07
  Ellen: money this month than last month, so I can get the better diapers this month.
• 27:11
  Ellen: That's right.
• 27:12
  Ellen: We're
• 27:12
  Cheryl: laughing right now.
• 27:12
  Cheryl: That's what I would say is laugh.
• 27:15
  Cheryl: Because that's what we ended up doing is laughing.
• 27:17
  Christie: Right.
• 27:17
  Cheryl: Because I was making everything a 10.
• 27:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 27:20
  Cheryl: This is make it or break it.
• 27:21
  Cheryl: And again, I go back are you making them feel loved and safe?
• 27:25
  Ellen: Right
• 27:26
  Cheryl: that's the big rock.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: And the pacifier doesn't matter and the, oh, whoops, I didn't bring an extra diaper with me when we're out.
• 27:34
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:35
  Cheryl: It's okay.
• 27:35
  Ellen: Yes.
• 27:36
  Christie: I heard somebody early on say, um, the difference between methods and principles.
• 27:41
  Christie: Oh, yeah.
• 27:41
  Christie: And principles are, um, I want to feed my baby.
• 27:46
  Christie: I want to love my baby.
• 27:48
  Christie: I want my child to be educated.
• 27:50
  Christie: Methods are breastfed, bottle fed, you know, co sleep, cry it out, education choices across the board.
• 27:58
  Christie: And so if you are looking at the principles, then the methods, usually most of them just aren't, aren't correct.
• 28:04
  Christie: Make or break.
• 28:05
  Cheryl: And actually, that's what I meant by big rocks.
• 28:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:08
  Cheryl: That's what I was talking about.
• 28:09
  Cheryl: You're just more articulate than I am.
• 28:11
  Cheryl: Well, I stole it
• 28:12
  from someone
• 28:13
  Cheryl: else.
• 28:13
  Cheryl: So I borrow it from you.
• 28:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 28:16
  Cheryl: And that would have helped me so much.
• 28:17
  Cheryl: Me too.
• 28:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 28:18
  Cheryl: Because I just made everything a 10
• 28:20
  Christie: Well, everything was a big deal.
• 28:22
  Christie: Ten out of ten.
• 28:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 28:24
  Christie: I I don't think we can get away from talking about this season of parenting without, you know, Addressing the identity factor because this is where it starts.
• 28:32
  Christie: Yeah, I mean, I don't know about you guys but if I if I was at a playdate and I had didn't have an extra set of clothes in my bag and all the other Moms did I just felt like I have failed all all of these moms are better moms than I am I wore the battle of Breastfeeding versus model feeding, that's a division.
• 28:52
  Christie: Or moms
• 28:53
  Cheryl: get to stay home versus those who have to go back to work.
• 28:57
  Cheryl: All the, particularly tribal things.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: And
• 28:59
  Christie: it feels so attached to who you are as a human being on this planet.
• 29:04
  Christie: So let's speak
• 29:04
  Cheryl: to that, because moms, we're out of time, but we want to talk to you.
• 29:09
  Cheryl: I want to develop this, okay?
• 29:12
  Cheryl: I think you are right that we have to learn not to get our identity out of what we do in parenting or how we see it, but who we are as people.
• 29:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:25
  Cheryl: And so can we come back in next time and address that?
• 29:29
  Cheryl: Because it sounds good.
• 29:30
  Cheryl: It's more critical than the rest of it
• 29:34
  Christie: it's one that follows you all through parenting
• 29:37
  Cheryl: and our lives, right?
• 29:38
  Cheryl: Parenting.
• 29:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:39
  Cheryl: Where I'm getting my identity.
• 29:41
  Cheryl: Okay, so I kind of hate to leave it hanging, but maybe that'll entice you to listen in next time.
• 29:47
  Cheryl: And let's come back and revisit that, and actually, It applies to everybody, not just new moms.
• 29:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 29:52
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:55
  Cheryl: So congratulations on this exciting news to you and to any moms and dads that are listening.
• 30:04
  Cheryl: And remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 30:16
  The need to be perfect can weigh especially heavy on new parents.
• 30:22
  But from my own experience, I've learned that being patient with yourself is just as important as caring for your baby.
• 30:31
  You won't always have it figured out, but that's okay.
• 30:36
  What matters is doing your best by focusing on those big rocks, making sure your baby feels safe.
• 30:44
  Loved and cared for, and just letting the rest fall into place.
• 30:50
  There will be days when you feel like you're falling short.
• 30:54
  But remember, those small imperfect moments are part of the journey.
• 30:59
  Parenthood is not an Instagram post.
• 31:04
  It's messy, real, life.
• 31:08
  And it's in that realness.
• 31:10
  That you'll find moments of connection that truly matter.
• 31:15
  It's not always easy, but it's possible to find your way with grace and patience, both for yourself If you're feeling unsure or just need to talk, I'm here for you.
• 31:30
  Reach out at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 31:33
  com.
• 31:36
  I hope you'll join me again next time.
• 31:39
  And always remember, with TPP, you are not walking this path alone.
• 31:45
  We're in this together.