Latest / Hurdle with Emily Abbate / #HURDLEMOMENT: 6 Steps to Having Hard Conversations

Transcript

#HURDLEMOMENT: 6 Steps to Having Hard Conversations · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: If a conversation is hard to have, that means it's
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: pretty important. Hey, hurdlers, Emily, a body here bringing you
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: another installment.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Of hurdle Moment from Hurdle.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I thought a lot about what I wanted this first
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: hurdle moment back to be about, and I think now
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: more than ever my mission stands true. I want to
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  Speaker 1: help you be your best self, move with intention, and
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: of course.
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  Speaker 2: Have some fun along the way.
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  Speaker 1: And so in order to have fun, in order to
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  Speaker 1: move with intention, in order to be better, it's important
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  Speaker 1: that we.
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  Speaker 2: Have hard conversations.
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  Speaker 1: Now Here's the thing about difficult conversation is that a
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  Speaker 1: lot of the times we don't want to have them,
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  Speaker 1: mostly because they are difficult in conversation is scary, but
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  Speaker 1: also because and I can definitely speak from experience, I
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  Speaker 1: am worried that having them could make things worse, and
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  Speaker 1: that's never really the goal. But we have to face
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: the facts. We are in the middle of a revolution
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  Speaker 1: of sorts, with protests happening in major cities and towns
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  Speaker 1: across the world, on top of what's been happening with
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  Speaker 1: the global pandemic. And this is all to say as
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  Speaker 1: if life before both of these things didn't have its
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  Speaker 1: difficult moments as well. Right now, so many of us
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  Speaker 1: are feeling super emotional.
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  Speaker 2: I know that I am.
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  Speaker 1: I have been reflecting on some of the past episodes
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: of Hurdle one of my favorites, how to Protect Your
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  Speaker 1: Energy a link to it in the show notes, just
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  Speaker 1: because I am trying to show up every day and
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  Speaker 1: be my best and most authentic self now again. In
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  Speaker 1: order to be that person, that means that I've got
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  Speaker 1: to have some tough conversations. And again I have a
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  Speaker 1: hunch that you're having some of them too, with your friends,
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  Speaker 1: with your family, and even with some people that you
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  Speaker 1: don't even really know through social media. So today I
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  Speaker 1: am bringing you some of the helpful steps that I
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  Speaker 1: have used to approaching difficult conversations in hopes that my
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  Speaker 1: experience can.
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  Speaker 2: Help you navigate yours.
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  Speaker 1: Like with everything, I do not at all have all
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  Speaker 1: the answers, But what I do know again is that
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  Speaker 1: I just want to help in whatever way that I can.
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  Speaker 1: If something resonates with you from today's episode, and I
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  Speaker 1: hope that it does, please share it on social media.
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  Speaker 1: You can always tag me at Emily a Body and
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: at Mertle Podcast. Also share the episode with a friend
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: and leave some thoughts in the iTunes store by clicking
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: the link with the description to this episode. I also
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: want to think so many of you. I'm so amped
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: for joining me in the Black Girls Run Challenge the
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: one Million.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: Miles for Justice.
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  Speaker 1: Basically the ground rules for this you pay twenty five
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: dollars to sign up for the team. I set one
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  Speaker 1: up for hurdle listeners called Hurdlers. That money goes to
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: support the cause. It encourages us all to get out
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: and move together and stand for what's right.
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  Speaker 2: If you want to join.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: The team, we would love to have you all or welcome.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: The information is in the show notes and I'm.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Putting this call to action out there.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: If you work for a company that wants to match
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: the hurdler's donations, I am all ears. Please reach out
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: to me Emily at hurdle dot us. We're already at
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: eighty participants strong and that number is growing rather rapidly.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: If you have a hurdle moment of your own to share,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: you just want to say hi, I'm here. Email again
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  Speaker 1: and Emily at hurdle us. And with that, it's time
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  Speaker 1: to talk about some tough stuff. Let's get to hurdling,
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  Speaker 1: all right, So I do not enjoy conflict. I've never
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  Speaker 1: been the kind of friend or lover who likes to
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  Speaker 1: yell at other people.
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  Speaker 2: It's not my thing.
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  Speaker 1: I would much rather identify an issue, state that there's
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  Speaker 1: an issue, have a level headed, calm conversation about how
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  Speaker 1: it's affecting me and the other people or parties, and
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  Speaker 1: try to find a solution. And when I say it
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  Speaker 1: like that, it sounds super easy, right, But the fact
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  Speaker 1: of the matter is is that they're called hard conversations
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  Speaker 1: because they are hard, but it is important that we
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  Speaker 1: have them. So today I'm offering up to you my
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  Speaker 1: six different steps that I've used in the past to
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  Speaker 1: handle these tough talks. Step number one. First things first,
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  Speaker 1: you've got to admit that you need to have the conversation.
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  Speaker 1: It can be easy just to ignore, but you have
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  Speaker 1: to think about what that's doing for your energy and
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  Speaker 1: for the energy of people or causes that you care about.
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  Speaker 1: By ignoring what's going on, nothing gets done, and in
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  Speaker 1: the long haul, it can be really detrimental. I read
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  Speaker 1: a quote the other day that really stuck with me
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  Speaker 1: that if a conversation is hard to have, that means
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  Speaker 1: it's pretty important. In this first step, it's all about
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  Speaker 1: having an honest dialogue with yourself first before bringing other
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  Speaker 1: people into the fold. Admitting that you need to step up.
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  Speaker 1: Admitting that you need to have a talk.
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  Speaker 2: Is step number one. Step number two.
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  Speaker 1: After you have this admission, you need to have an
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  Speaker 1: honest vote with yourself about where you're at. And in
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  Speaker 1: this part of the dialogue, it could be helpful to
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  Speaker 1: jot some things down you will never regret putting in
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  Speaker 1: the work for yourself. And sometimes in this step you
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  Speaker 1: can identify some issues on the home front or on
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  Speaker 1: the personal side that might make you realize that whatever
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  Speaker 1: tough conversation you think you want to have is actually
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  Speaker 1: just stemming from an issue that you are dealing with personally.
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  Speaker 1: This step is also your opportunity to hash things out
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  Speaker 1: and think about what it is that you're hoping to
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  Speaker 1: accomplish within this tough dialogue. So I say that understanding
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  Speaker 1: that not all difficult tasks and flawlessly. You know, we
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  Speaker 1: don't always get to walk away from a confrontation of
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  Speaker 1: feeling seller.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't happen like that.
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  Speaker 1: So, for example, say you are hoping to air out
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  Speaker 1: your different political views with a friend of yours. So
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  Speaker 1: ask yourself, why is it important that I do this?
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  Speaker 1: Perhaps putting everything out on the table will allow you
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  Speaker 1: both to be a little bit more upfront about your
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  Speaker 1: differences and air out some unspoken tension, which that is
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  Speaker 1: good for nobody. You hope that by doing that you'll
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  Speaker 1: be able to communicate better going forward. This is what
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  Speaker 1: you're articulating before you even have the conversation, despite your differences.
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  Speaker 2: So knowing that before you even.
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  Speaker 1: Sit down to have this chat super helpful. So step
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  Speaker 1: number two, have an honest conversation with yourself. First, step
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  Speaker 1: number three, set aside a specific time to.
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  Speaker 2: Have this talk.
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  Speaker 1: I get it, no one ever wants to hear the
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  Speaker 1: words we need to talk, and you definitely don't need
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  Speaker 1: to frame it that way, but it's important that you
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  Speaker 1: set aside a time that you know that you will
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  Speaker 1: be able to have one on one dialogue with the
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  Speaker 1: person that you want to have your dialogue with. Something
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  Speaker 1: as simple as hey, later tonight after we're done with work,
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  Speaker 1: Would you mind if we set aside time for a
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  Speaker 1: phone call In identifying when it is that you will
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  Speaker 1: have the opportunity to chat, make sure you're specific. If
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  Speaker 1: they respond with sure when you ask them to chat
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  Speaker 1: after work, then follow up again and offer a time.
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  Speaker 1: This is just like when we talk about setting smart goals.
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  Speaker 1: You want it to be specific. If in the case
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  Speaker 1: things are pretty loosey goosey and you don't hammer down.
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  Speaker 2: The specifics, that will make it.
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  Speaker 1: Possible for this combo to be put off, and that
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  Speaker 1: is going to weigh on you further, and then you
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  Speaker 1: might get further frustrated, and that is the last thing
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  Speaker 1: you want to do.
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  Speaker 2: Step number four.
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  Speaker 1: Be open to all information so you can't go in
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  Speaker 1: to a hard conversation being on the defensive, just like
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  Speaker 1: you can't go into a hard conversation but leading that
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  Speaker 1: you are completely right and this person is wrong, and
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  Speaker 1: that is just the way it's going to be. Your
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  Speaker 1: perspective is likely your reality, which means that the person
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  Speaker 1: you are asking to have a tough conversation also has
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  Speaker 1: a reality of their own. In order for the two
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  Speaker 1: of you to move forward, to address the issues at
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  Speaker 1: hand and ideally come to a more positive place, you
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  Speaker 1: need to be open to whatever may come from this chat.
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  Speaker 1: You have to be willing to listen, which we'll talk
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  Speaker 1: about in a second, and really taking the opportunity to
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  Speaker 1: absorb their point of view.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 1: In doing this, and I cannot say this enough, it
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  Speaker 1: is really, really important that you take in this information
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  Speaker 1: under the lens of your values and your ethos. Just
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  Speaker 1: because two different individuals have two different opinions on a
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  Speaker 1: certain matter, that doesn't mean that they can't agree to disagre.
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  Speaker 1: Having a hard conversation doesn't always mean that you're going
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  Speaker 1: to come out at the end of it seeing eye
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  Speaker 1: to eye. But what it does mean is that you
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  Speaker 1: can leave this chat with a better understanding of where
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  Speaker 1: the other person is coming from. In this process, you'll
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  Speaker 1: have an opportunity to voice your opinion, listen to someone
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  Speaker 1: else's opinion, and then progressively move forward. Hopefully the individuals
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  Speaker 1: that you want to have hard conversations within your life
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  Speaker 1: are coming to you as well from a place of love.
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  Speaker 1: Step number five Listen. This is really important and I'll
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  Speaker 1: never forget the first time that I was told how
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  Speaker 1: important it is to listen. I was sitting down with
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  Speaker 1: my cousin at a bar in murray Hill called Rodeo
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  Speaker 1: Bar it's no longer there, and we were talking about
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  Speaker 1: me making the switch to a new full time job
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  Speaker 1: and how I should talk to my current boss at
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  Speaker 1: the time about the fact that I was going to
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  Speaker 1: leave and that my mind was made up and that's
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  Speaker 1: just what it was.
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  Speaker 2: And he said, you know what you want.
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  Speaker 1: So the important thing is is that when you say
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  Speaker 1: what you want, instead of trying to fill the space
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  Speaker 1: and deviating from the overall goal, that you listen to
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  Speaker 1: what she has to say in response. And that's exactly
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  Speaker 1: what I did, and I think that's exactly what made
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  Speaker 1: that conversation one that I reflect on positively. Now, when
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  Speaker 1: you're not trying to fill the silence, you provide the
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  Speaker 1: other person with an opportunity to respond, or perhaps you're
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  Speaker 1: just providing the both of you with the platform that
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  Speaker 1: you need to really absorb and reflect and hopefully move
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  Speaker 1: forward without additional confrontation. Also, when you take the time
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  Speaker 1: to listen, this stresses to the person that you are
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  Speaker 1: sitting down with that you do care about their opinion.
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  Speaker 1: And that's just something to reiterate again, just because you're
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  Speaker 1: sitting down to have a hard conversation doesn't mean that
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  Speaker 1: you don't love this person. These conversations, they need to
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  Speaker 1: happen again for us to be better. So approach it
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  Speaker 1: with both things in mind. Yes, you want to say
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  Speaker 1: what you have to say, you want to be upfront
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  Speaker 1: with where you're at, but you also need to be
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  Speaker 1: willing to have that time to open the floor and
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  Speaker 1: to listen. Step number six end with a plan of action.
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  Speaker 2: Whether you are.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: In a room with coworkers or talking to your partner,
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  Speaker 1: the best way to move forward together is to talk
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: about what it would look like right. So, depending on
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: the situation, this will definitely vary greatly, but it's important
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  Speaker 1: that you are upfront with where you're at, what your
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  Speaker 1: takeaways are from the conversation, and what your.
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  Speaker 2: Next steps might be.
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  Speaker 1: And this might take time, right, it might take time,
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  Speaker 1: and it might require a little bit of compromise. Again,
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  Speaker 1: go back to your ethos, think about what feels good
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  Speaker 1: for you right now. I'll give you an example. I
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: recently had a pretty difficult conversation with a friend of
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  Speaker 1: mine who we had just varying views on social distancing
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  Speaker 1: and spending time together and in what capacity that might
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  Speaker 1: look like. At the end of our conversation, which we
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  Speaker 1: had on the phone, we both agreed to disagree. I
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  Speaker 1: saw his point, he saw my point, and without animosity
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  Speaker 1: we decided that it would be best for us both
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  Speaker 1: in the best interest of our friendship to take some
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  Speaker 1: space until we could both feel better about being together.
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  Speaker 1: Is something like that difficult. Of course I want to
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  Speaker 1: see my friend, but we agreed to revisit how we
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  Speaker 1: felt in about three weeks time. And that's another important
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  Speaker 1: note for sure. The more specific que can be with
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  Speaker 1: your plan of action going forward, the better. And the
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  Speaker 1: last thing I'll say is that if you go into
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  Speaker 1: a hard com vera expecting a positive outcome, that can
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  Speaker 1: be really helpful. I also want to be a realist
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  Speaker 1: here and tell you that not every difficult conversation will
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  Speaker 1: have a positive outcome. But if you go in telling
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  Speaker 1: yourself this is going to be a massive disaster, that
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  Speaker 1: doesn't help anyone. Instead, what you want to do, and
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  Speaker 1: the reason that you're having this conversation is because you're
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  Speaker 1: thinking long term. You're thinking about how much this person
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  Speaker 1: means to you. You're thinking about also your personal betterment.
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  Speaker 1: You don't want to ignore the tough stuff, and yes,
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  Speaker 1: it takes a ton of courage to show up to conflict,
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  Speaker 1: but going into the conflict from a place of hope
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  Speaker 1: sets you up to hopefully be.
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  Speaker 2: The big person that you are. I hope this is helpful.
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  Speaker 1: I hope it's not just mean rambling a bunch of
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  Speaker 1: stuff into a microphone.
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  Speaker 2: My goal here again.
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  Speaker 1: Is always to help you better show up in your
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  Speaker 1: day today. Again, we're all having a lot of tough
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  Speaker 1: talks right now. Let's talk this out a little bit more,
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  Speaker 1: okay At Emily Abadi at Hurdle Podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next time.