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Moving Towards Secure Attachment as an Adult · Trauma Free Relationship

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We didn't choose our attachment style.
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Our nervous system adapted to a less than optimal environment
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and it was the wisdom of our bodies that kept us alive.
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And whether we are anxious or avoidant or disorganized in our
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style of attachment as adults, we have a responsibility to
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ourselves to learn secure attachment.
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And that is our objective of today's podcast.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started.
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Okay, what does secure attachment look like?
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I'm going to talk about. I'm not going to talk about the
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other more insecure style of attachment today because I've
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done lots of podcast on that. We talked lots about anxious and
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avoidant and disorganized. So I would refer you to some of
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those other podcasts in order to dig down more into what anxious
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or insecure attachment style and avoidant look like.
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Today I want to hone in on what does a secure attachment look
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like and how do we as adults learn to be more securely
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attached in our relationship. I think this is a very worthy
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goal. It's very worthy of our time.
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So dig in, let's get started. When we start talking about
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secure attachment, there are some things that it is and some
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things that it is not. Secure attachment is not.
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It does not mean that you never get triggered.
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Look, we all have areas of our emotional and psychological
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makeup that can get triggered at times.
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And so being securely attached doesn't mean you never get
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triggered. It doesn't mean you always
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communicate perfectly. It doesn't mean you're always
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regulated that you never get upset, or you never go into
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fight or flight, or you never get angry at injustice in the
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world. That's not what secure
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attachment is and so I think there's some myths around it.
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Oh well. If I was secure then I would
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never. I would never long to be close
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to my partner. I would always just be confident
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myself. No that's BS.
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That's not secure attachment either.
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What is secure attachment? Sure, cure attachment is feeling
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basically worthy of love. It's expecting others to be
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mostly responsive, it's being able to soothe yourself and
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reach for support other soothing, and it's being able to
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repair ruptures effectively. That is secure attachment.
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It doesn't mean you don't ever get triggered.
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It doesn't mean you communicate perfectly.
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It doesn't mean you don't ever get dysregulated or upset.
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It just means that you're able to reregulate yourself faster.
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You're able to move out of fight and flight quicker, to re
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regulate yourself. It means that you work on trying
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to communicate better, but it doesn't have to be perfect.
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It means that you feel like you are worthy of love, that you
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have an expectations that others will be at least mostly
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responsive. And when they're not, you can
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soothe yourself through that. And it means that you're able to
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reach out and use others as a reliable resource of comfort and
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soothing and care and love and compassion when you need it.
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And it means you're able to effectively repair ruptures.
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So security is earned. It is not inherited.
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And I let me say that again because that's important.
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I think security is earned. It is not inherited, right?
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So even if as adults, even if we are securely attached and we had
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a optimal upbringing, an optimal environment, we still have to
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strive for secure attachment in our relationships.
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It's never just a given. It is something we're always
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striving towards. We're always striving to create
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more safety and trust in our relationship, which creates more
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security. So maybe you married somebody
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who's more in the style of insecure attachment, but you're
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more the style of secure. Great.
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Now you've got an opportunity to really help your partner learn
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how to be more secure in their style and you play a role in
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that. You play a significant role in
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that as well. So I want to just debunk some of
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those myths because I think often times when we talk about
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secure attachment, somehow we, we have this vision that Oh
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well, it means I never get upset, I never get triggered.
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It means that I never long for my partner to to be close or to
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be able to show up for me. It it means I don't struggle
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emotionally at all or ever get lonely.
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No, not at all, not at all. Secure attachment simply means
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that you feel worthy of love. You have an expectation that
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others will be there at least mostly for you, and you're able
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to use others as a reliable resource of comfort.
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In other words, you're able to reach out for support when
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needed and you're able to make repairs.
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So I'm sure we could define it much more broadly than that, but
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some of those are some of the four primary things.
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When I think about secure attachment, those are some of
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the primary things that I think about.
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OK, so if we fall into the more insecure style, anxious
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avoidance, disorganized, how do we then move more towards a
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secure style as a door as adults so that we can actually reap the
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outcome of those benefits? I just talked about of what
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secure attachment is. Well, there's going to be 4
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pillars we're going to talk about here today, right?
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So 4 things that we can do. It's going to be a lot of
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information. Don't feel like you have to do
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it all. I want to encourage you to start
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with one thing that you hear today.
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Just implement one thing and that will automatically improve
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your life and your relationships.
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If you just think, you know what, for the next week, I'm
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just going to pull out one thing Tom talked about, and I'm just
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going to focus on that. That's going to be my objective
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over the next week. And I'm going to make that a
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priority for myself. And so of these, these 4 pillars
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that we're going to talk about, just find one thing in them that
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that that resonates with you. You'll know because you'll,
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you'll hear it and you go, Oh yeah, that's something I really
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struggle with. So just trust your body to
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respond to this as I, as we are going through these 4 pillars,
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trust that something's going to pop out for you, that
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something's going to resonate with you and you're going to
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kind of go, Oh yeah, that's certainly something that that I
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need to work on. And if that's the case, boom,
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you've got your one thing that you can work on from there.
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But let's dig into these four different pillars.
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Excuse me, I took a drink of my coffee.
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OK, pillar #1 building internal safety.
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So if the outcome is the ability for us to not, not not ever get
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dysregulated, but to learn how to be able to re regulate
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ourselves quicker, better, we've got to be able to do that in
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order to build internal safety. If we ever want to be somebody
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who sees ourselves as worthy of love, we have to be able to
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build internal safety. Your body's already doing this.
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If you fall into an insecure attachment style, that style was
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adopted because your nervous system said this is what keeps
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me safe. Because I come from such
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inconsistent love. I don't know when my partner's
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going to love me. I don't know when my partner's
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going to show up for me. It's so inconsistent.
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It reminds me of my mother, who I could never quite get enough
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attention from, who seemed to be much more preoccupied with my
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other siblings or her job or her alcohol or whatever it was.
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I never could consistently count on attachment figures in my life
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being there for me. And as a result, my system
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learned to hyperactivate to get really anxious and to go push
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and press and and get assertive for the the reassurance that I
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need. So if that's the case, then we
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want to build internal security and internal safety so that one,
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you're able to re regulate yourself better, and two, that
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you feel more deserving of love so you're able to soothe
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yourself better in those moments when somebody is not able to
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show up for you. So building internal safety is
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really important. How do we do that?
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First, we learn by noticing our body cues.
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I talk a lot on this podcast about getting in touch with our
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body. If we cannot resonate with our
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body, if we can't locate different feelings in our body,
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it's going to be really hard for us to be able to hold those
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feelings long enough to learn from them, to understand what's
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the meaning that is being provided for me here through my
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feelings. What does this mean for me?
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That I'm really anxious in this moment?
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Oh, I know what it means. It means that once again, I feel
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like my partner's going to withdraw and abandoned me.
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That's what I'm, that's what I'm anxious about in this moment
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right now. And I can feel that in my
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stomach. And so being able to notice
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those body cues, being able to locate them, being able to sit
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with them and hold them long enough to understand the deeper
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meanings that your, your body is sending you, that is absolutely
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crucial in turning and learning how to build internal safety.
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And, and this takes work. This is really hard.
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This is really hard for say somebody who falls more into the
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avoidance style of attachment because their whole adaptation
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is to move out of their body, to not be in touch with their body,
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to not be in touch with their feelings.
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Why? Because nobody was there to
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mirror that, to resonate with those feelings when it happened.
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Their parent never was able to show up for them, never
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tolerated any display of emotions they might have had.
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And so it was so unacceptable to the parent that the child who
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had to maintain the attachment tie learned, oh, feelings are
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bad. I'm just going to live in my
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head. So this can be especially
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difficult for those who fall into the more avoidant style.
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How do you learn to resonate with your body and get more in
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touch with your body? As I've said before, a great way
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to do this is through any kind of body movement arts.
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This could be meditation, yoga, Tai chi, even just daily walking
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and exercise is actually very helpful not only for your
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cardiovascular health, but it's really helpful in learning how
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to get more in touch with your body because you're moving your
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body more. So being able to pick up on
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those cues very important developing self soothing skills
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in order to be more internal internally have haven't more
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internal feelings of safety. Excuse me, I'm having trouble
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talking today for some reason. In order to build up more
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internal safety, we've got to be able to recognize when we don't
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feel safe and to be able to employ certain self soothing
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skills that allow us to to acquire the necessary feelings
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of safety. Feeling felt the the the felt
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feelings of safety in your body. Again, this is something you
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resonate with. So maybe when we start to feel
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anxious because we're afraid that our partners going to shut
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down and that feels like abandonment once again, maybe we
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stop. We slow down, we take a deep
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breath, we hold it for five seconds, we exhale, we notice
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our bodies becoming more calm in that moment.
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Then we employ some some self talk and we say, you know, I
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know this moment is hard, but I've been here before and I've
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gotten through it and I can do it again.
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I know my partner loves me and cares about me.
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We've been together for a long, long time.
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They might just be struggling right now with their own issues.
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I can be patient, it's OK. So we do some some skills work
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in order to be able to regulate ourselves and soothe ourselves
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in those moments. We need to be able.
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This is the third one. In turn, in terms of building
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internal safety, we need to be able to expand our emotional
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tolerance. So how do we expand that window
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of tolerance so that we don't pop out of the window as often,
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We don't dysregulate or go into fight and flight or down
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regulate into freeze or or people pleasing fawn.
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So we need to be able to expand that window because oftentimes
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because we had to adapt to a less than optimal environment, a
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less than responsive environment from either our parents or our
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maybe it was a first marriage or maybe it was a painful early
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relationship in your early adulthood.
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Whatever it was, we need to be able to widen that window.
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And we do that by being able to hold and tolerate those feelings
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that we quickly want to dismiss and move away from.
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So when we get down to some of our core affect, when we move
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out of anxiety and we drop down into, you know what?
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It is incredibly sad when I get anxious and I feel like my
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partner's shutting down and I feel like my partner is
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abandoning me. That fills me with such fear and
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dread and sadness that I, I much rather feel anxious.
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And so I just go into anxiety or I use a secondary emotion and I
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just go into anger. And so it's much easier for me
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to be angry in that moment and and criticize my partner than it
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is for me to drop down and hold that primary emotion of here we
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go again. This feels like I'm not worthy
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of love and this feels lonely and it feels sad and I'm going
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to just hold this for a moment. I'm going to just sit with this
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feeling, knowing that I can survive this, knowing that this
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is uncomfortable. But every time, every second
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longer that I can hold this feeling is a little bit the way
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I can expand my window of tolerance.
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Because now I can tolerate this feeling longer when it comes up
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and I don't have to use anxiety and I don't have to use a
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secondary defense of emotion. So being able to expand our
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window is part of how we build internal safety.
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And then finally befriending emotions instead of avoiding
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them. A little bit of what I just
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talked about there, right? But when we move into that
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place, how can we comfort and soothe ourselves and give
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ourselves a different experience of ourselves?
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You know, when I drop down into this place where I feel alone
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and sad because I don't feel worthy of love, that is, that is
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not appropriate because I am worthy of love.
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I didn't have the kind of relationships that taught me
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that, but I can absolutely teach myself that now as an adult.
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So I'm going to access another part of me that says and knows I
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am absolutely worthy of love. And I'm going to have that part
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show up and I'm going to have it comfort this this hurting part
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in this moment. And I'm just going to have a
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conversation between these two parts of myself that I can
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actually give myself a different experience.
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It wasn't my fault. I'm not this way because I'm
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broken. I'm this way because I had to
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adapt. And so those kinds of
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experiences can help us learn how to create more internal
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safety. OK, pillar #2 we've got to be
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able to rework our internal working models.
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We've got to identify those core beliefs, those negative core
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beliefs. I'm too much, people leave.
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I have to earn love. I'll never measure up.
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Whatever those core beliefs are, we have to be able to to rewire
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or rework those. That's a little bit like I just
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gave an example of when we get down to that core, that core
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feeling, that painful feeling that we don't want to hold on
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to, that we don't want to stay with.
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It's absolutely crucial we do that because it's in those
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moments that then we can give ourselves a different experience
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of our core belief. Oh, I know what this feeling is
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again. And even though it's painful for
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me to hold on to and to sit with, when I do, I know one, I
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expand my window of tolerance. I'll be able to tolerate this
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feeling more often when it comes up.
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But two, I'm going to remember my grandmother and how much she
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loved me and how would I would see her.
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Her face would just light up and she would dote on me and she
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would have this voice that would kind of go up a octave and she
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would just sort of talk to me in a way that just filled the room
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with joy. And I could just tell it was so
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genuine. I knew I was truly loved in
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those moments. And so evoking a memory of
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somebody that loved you in those moments is a great way to give
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yourself a different experience of those core beliefs.
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And so we need to be able to challenge those core beliefs as
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often as we can when we get into those moments.
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Pillar #3 learning secure behaviors.
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This is the whole point of the podcast today, right?
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We need to be able to name our needs clearly.
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I need to feel reassured in this moment.
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I need to feel safe emotionally in this moment.
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I need to feel like I'm worthy in this moment.
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I need to feel like I measure up in your eyes in this moment.
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If we don't name our needs, then we can never communicate what we
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need to our partner. And often times what I think we
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end up doing is focusing more on our what our partners behavior
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is. And we we tend to criticize
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their behavior, what they're doing or not doing that we don't
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like. Instead of actually naming the
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need. Being able to name the need is
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actually a a vulnerable things to to do because it means we
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also have to hold on to the feeling and the vulnerability
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that comes with naming that need.
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So learning secure behaviors means we have to be able to say
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to ourself in this moment when my partner shuts down and I feel
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abandoned, what I need is for my partner to say this is
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overwhelming for her right now, but that it's OK.
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They want to hear me, they want to understand what I'm saying,
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they want to learn better what I'm feeling.
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They just might need a moment. Or even though they know that
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this is hard, we'll get through this and to just give them a
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second, whatever that might be in that moment, that can be so
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reassuring to the person who's trying to communicate, prying,
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trying to stay engaged in that conversation.
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So learning secure behaviors also means that we set
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boundaries without withdrawal or attack.
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We set boundaries without withdrawal or attack.
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We're able to be able to say that's not OK for me.
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I don't like to be treated that way.
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And I'd appreciate you not saying that to me again.
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Now. I appreciate you not cussing.
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I know you didn't cuss at me, but cussing around me when we're
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in the middle of a fight makes me feel unsafe.
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Please don't do that, whatever that boundary might be, you
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know, Please, when you go out with your buddies and have a
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drink, would you please just check in on me?
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It makes me feel more safe and secure and it reminds me that
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I'm in your thoughts even though you're away from me.
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You know, it's really helpful to me when I go out and have a
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drink with the buddies. If you're not blowing up my
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phone, it's OK if you send me one text.
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I know you're thinking of me and I appreciate it and I will
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respond back, but please don't try to have a long conversation
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with me when I'm out. It feels smothering to me to set
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boundaries with our partner in a way that that that doesn't
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attack them in a way that doesn't provoke withdraw.
22:13
Being able to stay present during conflict.
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Really important and more of a challenge for the more avoidant
22:20
style of attachment. Being able to soothe oneself and
22:25
say OK I know this is hard but don't shut down because that
22:28
just makes it worse. Soothe yourself in that moment
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so you can stay emotionally present during conflict and then
22:36
making and receiving repairers. Being able to let your partners
22:41
repair words and actions in so that it changes your internal
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working model, It changes your core beliefs from I'm unlovable
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to, you know, I was, that was really hard for my partner and
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they did something that was a bit of a risk and I'm just going
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to let that in. I'm going to take that in.
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I did. They were trying to be
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vulnerable. I could see they're trying to
23:05
help in that moment and I'm going to let that in and say
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that is a moment of care for me. That is a moment more our
23:12
partners trying to show up for me.
23:13
It may not have been perfect, but it was good enough and and
23:17
good enough is good enough sometimes.
23:21
Don't let good enough be the the error.
23:23
Don't let perfection be the enemy of of good enough, as the
23:27
old saying goes. So being able to let those in
23:31
and internalize those those moments and those behaviors are
23:35
really important. OK, the last one, Pillar 4 Co
23:38
regulation and save others. You know it.
23:44
It's really important to be able to reach out to others and be
23:47
able to use others as a reliable resource of comfort and
23:50
soothing. Sometimes we can't always do
23:53
that with our partner. Sometimes we have to turn to a
23:55
parent, maybe our mother's one of our best friends, or we have
23:59
an actual best friend appear our own age.
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But being able to use our partner as a reliable resource
24:07
of comfort and soothing and Co regulation is really important
24:10
as well-being able to choose emotionally safe people.
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This can be really hard for the disorganized style of
24:18
attachment. Why?
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Because Because drama actually feels normal to them.
24:25
And when they choose somebody that's safe, it feels really
24:28
boring and it feels actually unsafe in a weird kind of way.
24:34
And so sometimes they are with a safe person and they try to
24:37
provoke drama because that's what they know, that's what
24:40
their nervous system has learned to thrive on.
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And so if they don't have drama, then you can't have the repair.
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Then we don't have great repair sex, which gives me a great
24:50
high, which makes me feel connected and calm and secure on
24:54
the inside for a while. And so it becomes this self
24:57
fulfilling prophecy. And so being able to choose
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people that are emotionally safe for us and being able to live in
25:06
that safety so that it becomes what feels normal and safe to
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us, not not the drama. And then finally, practicing
25:17
vulnerability in small titrated ways, small incremental ways is
25:23
important. I don't if you're not used to
25:25
being vulnerable, especially say if, if you are more avoidance
25:29
style in your attachment, if you're not used to being
25:32
vulnerable, then a little bit of vulnerability goes a long way
25:35
for you. And so being able to to take it
25:39
in small doses, being able to say to yourself, OK, I'm going
25:43
to take this small risk. I'm going to express how I'm
25:46
feeling or I'm going to take this small risk and I'm going to
25:49
stay emotionally engaged and not shut down, even though this
25:52
feels a little bit like an argument to me.
25:55
That can be huge. And so take it in small bite
25:59
sized steps so that you are able to actually teach yourself how
26:04
to do that in a healthy, incremental way.
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OK, so those are the four pillars.
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Something in there I'm assuming jumped out to you as something
26:15
you can actually work on. And so just pick one, Pick one
26:19
of those things that can actually help you and that you
26:24
can make a priority in your life or your relationship.
26:28
Say for the next 30 days, just work on one thing for a month.
26:33
Set reminders to yourself. Oh yeah, that's right, I'm
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working on this. Create notes for yourself.
26:39
Figure out what tools you might need.
26:42
Create some some markers for yourself.
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At the end of the week, I want to be able to do this.
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At the end of two weeks I want to be able to do this.
26:51
And so you can set some different markers and goals for
26:54
yourself. Above all, have self compassion.
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If you fail one day, or you don't remember, or you forget,
27:03
or you make a mistake and it doesn't happen, comfort
27:07
yourself, be kind to yourself. It's not a failure.
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Just reset and start over and try again So let's let's pivot
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for just a moment. Those are the four pillars Let's
27:19
talk about briefly what actually what obstacles come up for us
27:26
when we're trying to learn secure attachment as an adult.
27:30
One is I think the fear of dependency sometimes, especially
27:34
for the more avoidance style. You know, dependency can can be
27:38
a really dirty word for the more avoidance style individual
27:43
because they are used to being on their own.
27:45
They see themselves as highly independent.
27:48
They value their independence more than they value deep
27:52
connection. And so it can feel smothering if
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we have to depend on somebody else.
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Dependence is not a dirty word. What we want to be is
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interdependent. We want to be able to be
28:07
comfortable with some distance in our relationship and also
28:11
feel safe and secure with closeness and connection as
28:14
well. I think the fear of being too
28:17
needy certainly can become an obstacle.
28:20
I've heard people that are more anxious in their attachment
28:23
style say I'm too much, I'm too much for others, I'm too needy.
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I know this about myself and as a result it it pushes people
28:33
away. It's OK to be needy, but you
28:36
also need to just add the flexibility of being able to
28:39
soothe yourself when others cannot be there for you.
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When you get that sense that you might be too needy, how can you?
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How can you expand and include the tools of self soothing and
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internal safety so that you won't come off as so needy?
28:55
I think pulling away when things feel good is certainly a barrier
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because again, for the more disorganized style, that feels
29:06
scary when things actually feel good, when they begin to feel
29:09
safe. Safe equals danger to a lot of
29:16
to a lot of the more disorganized styles because what
29:20
they're used to is that push and pull.
29:22
Come here, I need you right now. Get away from me.
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I can't stand you. So I think when things feel
29:28
good, starting to think that that feels unsafe.
29:32
And then finally expecting perfection from self and others.
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No relationship and no person is perfect.
29:41
And again, don't let perfection be the enemy of good.
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Good is good enough. And then I want to just wrap up
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by saying this because I think it is really important.
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Secure attachment is a practice. It is not a destination.
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I kind of opened today's podcast with this.
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This is something we do consistently in order to have a
30:08
relationship where we feel more safe and more secure.
30:12
But it doesn't mean that if we have a relationship that feels
30:15
safe and secure that we're absolved of doing all these
30:18
things. The act of doing them is what
30:22
creates secure attachment. So it's not like we arrive at
30:27
the destination and then we can just say, oh, we're here, great.
30:31
I don't have to do these things anymore.
30:33
These are a practices and and they become a lifestyle in order
30:39
to create secure relationships. And that could be relationships
30:44
across the board, relationships with our parents, our siblings,
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our best friends, certainly our spouse or partner, but any kind
30:52
of relationship, relationship with our colleagues.
30:54
These are these are practices that we engage in in order to
30:59
maintain a secure relationship with others.
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But it's not a final destination.
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Thank you so much for listening today.
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My name is Tom Philp, and I'm here to remind you to stay
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grounded, clear, and connected.