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What is Covert Emotional Abuse and Are You Under Someone’s Spell? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
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  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, just wanted to take some time to say thank you to you for taking some time out of your day to tune into this podcast episode.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: And today I want to talk about something that I refer to as uh covert emotional abuse.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to discuss what some of the signs are of that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And this I bring this up not to bring people down, but because over and over again in my coaching sessions, um, when I'm working with the individuals that I tend to work with, they tend to be high functioners, over-functioners, overgivers.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so this comes up a lot where they are in potentially a dynamic with somebody who is emotionally abusing them, but because they are over-functioners and they self-blame a lot, they will actually start to self-gaslight and think that it's their their doing.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so I feel like it's an important topic to cover because if we don't start naming things like verbal or emotional abuse, and we don't start just kind of giving it some light, what ends up happening is the people who are living through it, like I said, either self-gaslight or they self-blame or they self-shame.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think it's a really important thing for us to start bringing to uh bringing to the front front of the room so that we can actually start working through it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: So when I'm talking about covert emotional abuse, really what it is, is just a subtle type of abuse that's not truly visible to others, if they were to kind of hear it or potentially see it.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's when the person uses these covert emotional tactics to try to manipulate another person into doing something or to show up a certain way.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so they make it difficult for the person on the receiving end to sometimes even realize what's happening.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then when they do sort of kind of think that they realize that it's happening, like I said, they self-gaslight into thinking that they're being overly sensitive.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: So if you've caught yourself saying things like, maybe I'm just being overly sensitive or overly dramatic, it's not to say that you're definitely being emotionally abused, but it I would I would at least invite you to pause and take stock and just reflect.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because covert emotional abuse is often hidden and rarely openly addressed.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's why it's called covert.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it is really just a manipulation tactic to try to gain control and also to just have kind of dominance over the other person.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: So some subtle signs of uh covert emotional abuse would be things like undermining your self-esteem.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: So when the person that you're in dynamic with, and again, this isn't just happening in romantic relationships, it happens in familial relationships, workplace relationships, and friendships, but when this other person starts to destroy your self-esteem by like consistently making you feel belittled, and maybe it's not like this overt belittling, but just like jabs, but jabs that have kind of that they're there, there's like a cons a consistency to it, this devaluation, this this maybe raising some self-doubt about your ability in terms of your skills or your ability to do things or competencies.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Gaslighting is another way of um of emotionally abusing somebody, right?
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  SPEAKER_01: Where what your reality is or making you question what you've experienced, saying things like that never happened, um, you're making that up, you're you're losing your mind, right?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: It just gives you this idea that you don't actually know what's going on.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Another one that comes up a lot is uh isolation from friends and family, because this one can happen very subtly where you don't realize that the isolation is occurring, but almost like trying to get you to, you know, um, like for instance, saying things like, oh, you don't want to spend time with me, you'd rather spend time with your friends, or oh, you enjoy spending time with those people more than you, almost playing on your your empathy and getting you to isolate yourself from those friends and family.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Also, subtle public humiliation.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: So covert emotional abuse often involves the subtle um humiliation in front of other people.
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  SPEAKER_01: So maybe you're in a group of people and they kind of call you out by insulting you with um comments or quote unquote jokes.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and then if you try to say, hey, that doesn't feel good, um, or I don't like that, they actually have a negative response to you and almost blame you for the situation.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: So an example would be maybe you're out with friends or family and they use a tone with you and almost put you down in front of the other, um, the other people almost like saying something that humiliates you, saying that you don't know what you're doing or you're quote unquote stupid.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um and that would be a way that would be a sign of public humiliation.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Passive aggressive behavior is a big one.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, passive aggressive behavior is this indirect way of expressing displeasure, but not just coming out and being honest with what's going on.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: So it almost leaves the other person having to guess what's happening.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then, of course, withholding affection as a as a form of punishment is another way of emotional abuse because what that means is that they're almost like refusing to speak to you or refusing to um uh acknowledge you in a way to get you to come to them, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a manipulation tactic, so it's a way to like take advantage of not just your emotional state, but a way to kind of gain control over you because now you're coming to them and pleading with them.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um chronic criticism over what uh honestly would be minor issues would be another um way that this covert emotional abuse happens because it's this constant nitpicking.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: And while that sounds kind of silly, like, oh well, you know, okay, constant criticism over minor issues, when you think about when you are constantly criticized over minor issues and this constant nitpicking over time, that will it's it's the it compounds and it'll have an effect with you over time.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And what eventually happens is you start to self-doubt because of that constant nitpicking.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, you know, I've said time and time again that small changes will compound to make a larger change.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this is true even with the small nitpicking over time will compound to make you feel that you're inept or really lead to self-esteem issues.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, sabotaging your success andor your ambitions, um, almost putting you down in a way that discourages you from per from actually pursuing your goals or undermining your efforts, that is definitely a covert way to emotionally abuse because what that does is it um it almost you send end up in a position where you feel like you're being bad or wrong for going after the things that you want to pursue.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so what ends up happening when that when we go through something like this is there are psychological and emotional consequences because over time you will start to self-doubt, you will start to struggle with how you see yourself, uh what you're capable of, your own self-acceptance starts to erode.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And from a long-term perspective, in in the context of whatever relationship that you're in, again, it doesn't matter whether we're talking romantic, workplace, friendship, the the long-lasting effects in that relationship are this lack of not just your own self-esteem, but there's a lack of safety within that relationship, which leads now.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: You you add lack of emotional safety, you're adding your own low self-esteem, how you see yourself, anxiety sets in, depression sets in, worthlessness sets in, and it leaves this relationship in a very toxic place.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: The difference between covert and overt, I just want to touch on that, of course, is that covert is when we don't necessarily know it's happening.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's almost like it's happening behind the scenes, and overt, of course, is when it happens right in front of us, which makes it easier to recognize.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Covert makes it much more difficult, and it's really important to pay attention to both, of course, because both have ramifications, but the covert, if we don't pay attention, we could go a long time and allow uh the the harm to really take effect.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: So the first step is to really slow down, recognize it's happening, right, become aware of it, then acknowledge it and start speaking about it and to go uh and get support from others, whether it be professional support through working with a coach or whether it be um other professionals that you might want to seek help from andor family or friends that you feel safe with.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because when we're going through something like this, having that support is really important, but it is important also for you to go through your own self-healing process because part of this is reclaiming your own self.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you have been on the receiving end of that covert emotional abuse, there's going to be a lot of self-doubt and lack of self-trust.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so regaining all of that is going to be important.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: If you'd like to talk about this or anything else with me in terms of how coaching could support you in moving you forward, feel free to reach out at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.