Latest / Motherhood Uncut / The Difference between Self-Centeredness and Self-Care in Motherhood | Motherhood Uncut Podcast Season 5 Episode 5

Transcript

The Difference between Self-Centeredness and Self-Care in Motherhood | Motherhood Uncut Podcast Season 5 Episode 5 · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Kate Kripke and welcome to the Motherhood Uncut podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are committed to making sure that nobody ever needs to mother alone.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: We bring to you wherever you are the conversations that we need to have to survive and thrive in motherhood, but so often keep silent about the things that make us laugh, cry, celebrate, rage about, and reflect on, the things that bring tears of sorrow and tears of joy, confusion and wonder, fear and gratitude.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We want you to feel good about your mothering and to feel supported along the often clunky adventure of life as a mom.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: In motherhood uncut, you can expect eye-opening conversations with experts in parenting, mental health, and women's health, as well as moving and inspiring conversations with moms who are out there paving the way for their children.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You'll likely agree with some of what you hear and also disagree with some of what you hear.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: All we ask is this that you come with an open mind and boatloads of compassion for yourself and mothers everywhere.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass of wine or a cup of tea, put on your walking or running shoes, turn up the volume in your car during your commute or the pickup line at school.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just show up and mother with us.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: We have got you.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: So there's not a lot of planning ahead of time for this episode, just a sense that I had to share exactly what was on my mind today.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So today's episode digs into the important concept of self-care and motherhood, and a term that I really believe is overused and widely abused by commercialism and all this stuff, right?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're led to believe that in order to take care of ourselves, we need to purchase these things or spend all this money or start picking, taking up yoga, all these things that really actually miss the point on what true self-care is.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so I dig into that in this episode.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I also dig into the concept of self-sacrifice in motherhood, a term that I believe is really misleading and really dangerous.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to peel that apart a bit with you today.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you find that taking care of yourself feels difficult or selfish, or that you don't have time, or if you struggle with loving yourself fully, this podcast episode is a must for you.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I am uh really excited to share this with you.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, please let me know what you think.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always here for feedback, questions.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I love connecting with each and every one of you.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you know where to find me.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that will be in the show notes too.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you enjoy.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood Uncut Podcast is sponsored by the one clock.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is a clock that is actually like one of those clocks that you're gonna forever think.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: The one clock is built all on wake science.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: What is the best way for your nervous system to wake up in the morning?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And with the help of researchers, Grammy Award-winning musicians, and a whole lot of beautiful style, this one clock is a sure way to get you back on track towards health and wellness.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn more at oneclock.co.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hey listeners, it's Kate, and I'm gonna do something kind of risky today.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: So much of what I do well, I think, and what I'm just drawn to do, is to absorb myself in teaching and inspiration and mentorship from others, all different disciplines, all different walks of life, all different types of people, certainly people who I admire.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what I love almost more than anything else in my work is absorbing this information and then kind of digesting it and then resharing it as it applies to motherhood.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I'm gonna do that today.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I actually just walked in the door from a long walk in the sunshine.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's Sunday morning here in Tokyo, Japan.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I did one of the things I love to do most when I have giving, when I'm giving myself the time and the space to do it, which is just to put in earphones and turn on a podcast and to walk, like not even to exercise, not even to push my body necessarily, but just to be outside and to walk and to listen.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um when I do this, I'm almost moved to tears a lot of the time.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: That happened for me today.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew as soon as I got home that I needed to come down here and record a podcast episode.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm coming in with really no notes.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't planned this.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I just know that I want to share some really important thoughts with you this morning.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna put all this in the show notes, but I did just finish listening to a podcast with my mentor and friend Kathy Heller.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think some of you may know, if you've been following me for a while, that I did a lot of work with Kathy around sort of shifting my, you know, when I was beginning to shift my practice from more traditional psychotherapy to coaching and mentorship, um, certainly podcasting.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot of work with Kathy.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did a uh a six-month mastermind with her.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've been on retreat with her.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: She does have a podcast that is now rebranded to be called Abundant Ever After.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I will link it in the show notes, but she has a um a rabbi, her rabbi, Rabbi David Aaron, who she's had on the podcast in the past, and they just had a beautiful conversation today.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I think the podcast was released um last week, but it was a podcast in which she and Rabbi David Aaron are really talking about love and what does it mean?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is love?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I was listening to this podcast, I was thinking about this idea of self-care.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: This idea of self-care, right?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So much of my work that I do professionally is around trying to, I realized as I was listening to this podcast, trying to convince mothers about self-care and why it's so important and why it's so important in service of our kids.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still struggling to find the best way to talk about this in the public space where it's not just one more thing to do.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to find the words.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard to find the words both as I work as a maternal mental health advocate.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a maternal and child mental health specialist and expert, and also a mom myself, right?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why is self-care so important for me?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna sort of free think with you today because I walked away from this podcast with so many aha moments, with so much I wanted to translate to all of you, and with some real insights for myself and the meaning and purpose for me in my own life behind self-love and self-care.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes I tiptoe in this podcast around bringing in concepts of spirituality.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna tiptoe today because in my life, I have found that there's such a deep interconnection between spirituality and mothering.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I, and again, I think, why do I tiptoe?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think I've been on my own journey around God, the word God and religion and spirituality, and a lot of resistance to those words, and then kind of coming full circle as I hit 50 and I have mothered my teen, my children into teenager land.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I really can no longer separate mothering from a spiritual practice.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so I will use words in here about I might use the word God, but I really am using that word, not in translation of a religious God necessarily, although that may work for some of you, but really more about this idea of love.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So today, today I'm gonna be talking about what the difference is between self-care and self-centeredness, because I think we get those words really mixed up sometimes.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna talk about what is self-care really?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: How can we define it as what it really means versus the cliche of self-care and why does it matter so much in motherhood?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I am gonna borrow from this beautiful, beautiful conversation that Kathy Heller had with Rabbi David Aaron and some of David Aaron's thoughts and ideas.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna borrow from that, it'll all be linked in here.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm gonna translate some of what they talked about into this idea of self-care in motherhood.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just gonna go with it.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see where it takes us.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think one other thing I want to say, just as a commitment, is that sometimes I notice it's like I listen back on my podcast and I have like my podcast voice.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I have like my teaching voice.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I think to myself, how can I bring to my listeners more of my authentic voice?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: How can I step forward in this work I'm doing in service of mothers everywhere and be sound less preachy and sound more like what I might sound if I was talking to myself or talking to Deb or talking to someone else in my life that I really love, rather than trying to perform.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm one of the reasons I'm jumping into this podcast today and starting right away with this place of just coming to you with my sweaty clothes on and right from being outdoors to being indoors is because I want to show up as authentically as I can.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So you may hear me take some deep breaths throughout this podcast because I really want to do my best to not perform, but just to speak from my heart.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of the things I want to start with here is that uh we can uh get really confused between me and you.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Me and we, right?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes when we think about this idea of self-care and motherhood, we can get wrapped up in this idea of like, well, am I taking care of myself or am I taking care of my children?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole the whole perspective I'm gonna be sharing from today is that we're taking care of ourselves in service of taking care of our children.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the self that I'm referring to here is what I and many, many, many other people who I admire consider to be a capital S self, right?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's this self that's not separate from others.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not this ego self, it's not me.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's in it for me, me as separate from others, which, you know, I think can really be referred to both in psychology and in the spiritual place and in other sort of larger conversations as the ego, right?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us are like, you know, this sort of idea of narcissism, this idea of what's in it for me, is this idea of protecting our ego, our self that is separate from others.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: But really, I'm gonna be referring today this as this capital S self.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't make that up.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of people talk about that, but it's really helpful for me to think about this self as like the self that's interconnected to everything else.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: There is no separate list, separateness, right?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So self-care in service of is really like saying, I'm not doing this thing, this act, or I'm not standing in this place or being this way, or connecting to this, these things as being separate from you.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm engaging in these actions or engaging in this way of being in the world in service of you because I am you and you are me.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be translated between me and you, that me, Kate Kripke, and you, the listener.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that my work forever with mothers comes from that place.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I am no different from you.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I am you, you are me.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: But in the context of this topic today, we're talking about this with respect to me and my child or my children, you and your child or your children.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're not separate, you are part of, you are the same.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: So when you take care of yourself, self-care, you are taking care of your children.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're taking care of your children, you are taking care of yourself.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: So we're really looking at this at this as one and the same.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of me or you, it's me in service of you.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: What we know about health and well-being, and again, this crosses lines of psychology and spirituality, and I mean, almost every different discipline, is that our the larger purpose, like mental health, we know that the people who are the most mentally well, meaning their thoughts, their emotions, their sense of self, people who are the most uh emotionally and mentally well, people who feel the best, are those whose larger purpose is greater than themselves.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: When my only purpose is myself, that's where we get confused with this idea of selfishness, right?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And being selfish because I'm only in it for myself.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when our larger purpose is greater than ourselves, we feel good, we feel better, we feel motivated.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: For many of us, when we become mothers, we move from this idea of selfishness, my only purpose is myself, to now I have these little humans who I'm responsible for.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: My my purpose inherently becomes beyond myself, right?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: My purpose becomes my children, my purpose becomes caring for them, providing for them, making sure they have what they need to be healthy and well.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: My purpose becomes greater than myself.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And yet we get really mixed up in this idea of sacrifice in motherhood, right?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh well, a good mom sacrifices herself.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So this is tricky, right?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because complete sacrifice of self would make it impossible to serve others.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm abandoning myself in the po per in the process of serving my children, I can't serve my children, right?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm not serving myself, I can't serve my children.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm not caring for myself, I can't care for my children because we're all connected, we're part of a larger whole thing.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say that again.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: If I abandon myself, I'm also abandoning my children.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: If I take care of myself, I'm also taking care of my children.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to be really careful about the messages we receive about sacrifice in motherhood.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: These messages can be very misaligned and misinterpreted and therefore pretty dangerous because they can miss the point of interconnection.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: If I sacrifice my own health and well-being, I cannot serve my kids the way they need to be served.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: So really we need to sort of pause and wonder and listen to this message of sacrifice.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: What are we sacrificing?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that we're not sacrificing ourselves, the capital S self.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: We're sacrificing our ego.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're letting go of our ego, we're letting go of this idea of individuality, we're letting go of this idea of separateness.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're sacrificing in motherhood.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: That ego here being defined as the me, right?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Me independent of others.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm gonna be a good mom, I have to be willing to let go of that ego.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: I have to be willing to sacrifice that ego, that idea of separateness, because I am so interconnected with my kids.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: So again, we become afraid of this word selfish.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: So let's break that word down for a moment.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Selfish in many ways is self-indulgent, right?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's self-absorption.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, without knowing it, we can become so self-absorbed, so self-absorbed with our discomfort, with our fears, with our insecurities.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: We can become so self-indulgent, so self-absorbed.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not intentional, it's just sort of what happens when we don't recognize how deeply interconnected we are with others.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And again, for the purpose of this podcast, how interconnected we are with our children.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be self-ful.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: That capital S self, that not the ego, not the what do people think of me, not the how can I be better than, not the what do I have versus what do I don't have, not the comparison, all that stuff that's driven by ego, but what's driven by capital S self, self-fulness.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: How can I fill myself up so that I can be of service to others?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we're talking about today.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: As moms, we have to do the things we don't feel like doing, right?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: We have to do them anyway.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like showing up to cook dinner tonight for my kids, or let's even take the cooking dinner out of it.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like showing up and providing dinner tonight, but we do it anyway.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like doing the hard work to stay steady and to take care of myself.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I do it anyway.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like getting up at three o'clock in the morning with my baby when they're crying, but I do it anyway.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: All these things that we don't feel like doing in motherhood, we do them anyway, because we do them out of love.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: We do them because we love our children, because we want them to be well, because we want to show up consistently for them.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we do them.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: We do them even though we don't feel like doing them.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: So selfishness might come from pleasure.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to do because it feels good to do it?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Self-fulness, true love comes from doing them because we know that we have to, even if we don't want to.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: That is that is love.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: But we won't have the resilience and capacity to do these things if we're not cared for first.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: So as Rabbi David Aaron says from this, he says it in this podcast with Kathy Heller, he says said it, said it in other podcasts.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's this idea of toxic selfishness, me versus you.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Stuck in the me or what he calls holy selfishness, holy selfishness, or what I am calling here selffulness.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because without all the interconnected parts, no one can survive.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: My children can't survive without me.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: They need me to take care of myself so that I can show up as a part of them.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is perhaps what he or I also am loving, calling beautiful selfishness.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because I love me, I love you.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because I love you, I love me.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: We are connected to the same life force as our children are.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: When we hate a part of ourselves, we are hating a part of our children.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: When we hate a part of our child, we are hating a part of ourselves.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: We are all the same.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: We're all interconnected.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: We have to learn to love all of ourselves so that we can love all of our child.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: We have to learn to love all of our child so that we can love all of ourselves.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: So what is true love?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: What is true love?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: To give love to our children, we must receive love.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Can we receive love from ourselves?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we might begin to open up this conversation into a more spiritual conversation.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Can we receive love from God, from the divine, from nature, from something bigger and unexplainable?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, we could say here, certainly what I believe is that I can't love anyone else fully.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can't love my child fully until I love myself first.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't love myself first until I'm willing to receive love from myself.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: It has to come back to that first.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's something that I really love listening to people talk about, and certainly I think about from myself is this idea of like, what am I tuned into?
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like this concept of a of a radio, radio frequency, right?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's the frequency I'm tuned into?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Am I tuned into a frequency of love?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I tuned into a frequency of hate?
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: Am I tuned into a frequency of fear?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I tuned into a frequency of connection, of confidence?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Can you be the love song?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Can you be that frequency of love?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can you be that frequency of confidence, of trust?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can you be that can that frequency of connection?
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because it starts with you.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with me.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with us.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be it first.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: In order to provide that for our children, we have to be that first.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be love.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be confidence or trust.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean confidence, you know, I talk of this about this a lot in my work.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about how the opposite of fear isn't safety, it's confidence or trust.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Can I really learn to trust that I am okay in this moment?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to shift into this idea of being the moment and being present in a moment.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: But in in this moment, can I trust that I'm okay?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: That I have what I need to be okay?
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: And can that okayness come from inside of me?
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: To me, that's this frequency, this sort of idea of radio frequency of love, of trust, of confidence.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Can I be that first?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when I can I, when I can be that, I then provide something for my children that I can give to them, that I can provide for them, so that they can be that, so that they can tune in to that radio frequency.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times we can get really confused in this idea of faking it until I make it.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like I say again, often in my work that I do, my professional work that I do with mothers, is we don't get what we want, we get what we are.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: And some people will say, well, you so then I have to fake it.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, it's not really faking it, it's allowing for that more evolved part of ourselves to show up.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not faking kindness, I'm allowing for the part of me that's capable of being kind.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not faking acceptance, I'm allowing for the part of myself that's capable of being accepting.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: So there's this idea of don't fake it until you make it, but fake it until you awake it.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: Fake it until that thing actually just wakes up inside of you because it's there, just waiting to wake up inside of you.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's there just waiting to wake up inside of me.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have to believe that it's possible.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have to believe that I am capable of loving myself fully in order to truly love myself fully, in order to truly take care of myself, self-care.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: So love is like this idea of what can I do for you?
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm loving for my children fully, I'm coming about mothering from this place of what can I do for you?
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it's not the do for you the way mass culture or consumerism or we, you know, we're sort of led to do, what can I do for you?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: How can I how can I do everything for you so that you're never uncomfortable?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm talking about.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about what can I do for you so that you can fully love yourself?
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm gonna say that and show up that way to my children, the question is, where's that energy coming from?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: If I want to show up that way, what can I do for you?
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of love for my kids, then I have to first ask myself, self-love.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do for yourself?
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do for you so that you self feel fully loved by me?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be really careful here to not trick ourselves, right?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about capital S self here, not ego, remember?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: So true serving of myself through care, through love, through acceptance of myself, through leaning into true vulnerability without needing to be someone that I'm not, right?
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: But this is different than kind of self-care or tending to myself from a place of ultimate pleasure, right?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's some excuse saying, well, I'm gonna take care of myself because it feels good to buy this thing in the moment, even though my wise mind knows that I don't have the money to buy it, but feels good.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: So therefore I'm gonna do it.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take care of myself by making this excuse of saying, well, I'm gonna buy this thing for myself because it feels good in there.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm caring for myself.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, this is something I need to work on.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: I can so easily get myself into a shop where there's beautiful things and say and come up with all kinds of excuses, like, well, this is self-care because I'm buying it for myself, because it feels good to wear it.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: When really my dopamine is getting a hit, right?
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like it feels good to buy it.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I'm not saying it's not okay for us to buy ourselves things.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: It is, it is, it is, but we need to be careful about confusing this idea of self-care, capital S self-care that I'm talking about today, between distinguishing that between self-care like ego care.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel good about myself when I wear it or when I buy it.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: We just need to be mindful.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be curious.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: Where is it coming from?
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is it coming from pleasure, a dopamine hit, buying this beautiful thing, drinking this drink, engaging in this whatever it is because it feels good to be doing it, because it's a pleasure hit?
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I doing it because it's coming from true self-care in serving of my highest version of myself?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because in order to truly serve others, I need to be as healthy as possible.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm not saying it's bad to do those things.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not bad to have the drink from where I sit.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not bad to get my nails done or to get a haircut or to purchase, to buy something beautiful myself.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's not bad.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: We just want to make sure we're not getting confused by what is true self-care.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: So many of us sort of have this deep buried fear and belief that we're not lovable.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not lovable, like we're not deserving.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I may think to myself, well, I'm not deserving of that, of buying that thing for myself or or giving myself permission to quote unquote indulge in that thing, that massage or that haircut or getting my nails done or that bath or that spa treatment or or that gym membership, right?
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: Many of us might have this deep buried fear and belief that we're not lovable.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore, doing those things for ourselves is going to be really hard.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna think we're not deserving of, we're not worthy of.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: And and I want to just shift for a moment into this other concept here, which is that the best way to shift this idea of not being lovable is to love ourselves.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are we worthy of loving ourselves first?
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a lot of us will have developed all kinds of these ideas of not being lovable, will have developed early in childhood.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that may have been for pretty traumatic reasons, like we were treated in ways where we weren't being loved well.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: And as children, we're going to develop.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: We we just are, we're going to develop this idea of not being lovable if that's what we're taught by others.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to sort of recognize that this concept can come from really tricky places.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: And most of us, dare I say, all of us, are going to need, if we're, if we were not treated well as children, we're going to need some support in order to learn a different story about ourselves.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what story do you tell yourself about you?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: Are you telling yourself a story about you that you are not lovable, that you are not worthy of love?
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are, then it's really important that you receive some support, some outside support from someone, someone trained that can help you change that narrative.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I guess a question here, just to press the pause button and introduce a question here is are you willing to change that story that you have of yourself on behalf of your children?
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because whatever you tell yourself about you, your children will tell themselves about themselves.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just like whatever you tell yourself about you is likely what your mother told herself about herself, right?
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I tell myself that I have to be perfect in order to be worthy of love, I now know from the work I've done on myself that I learned that from my mom.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: She told herself that.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that way of moving through the world that she had was passed down to me.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: I learned this way of being from her.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working real hard in this lifetime to learn something different about myself so that my two daughters don't go through their lifetime, believing that in order for them to be worthy of love, they have to be perfect.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working really hard in my lifetime now, as Kate Kripke, to shift that narrative so that my daughters don't grow up with that narrative.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I want you to for a moment consider this idea that the best way to feel lovable is for you to love yourself.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of really fascinating research that's done out there.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: Often this research is done on um looking at the treatment of depression.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: What is really useful for people who are depressed is to go and do something for someone else.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because it feels good to love others.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a question that's raised, right?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: It the question is does it feel better to be loved or to love others?
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd love for you to pause for a moment.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: You could even press pause, like literally pause this podcast episode and ask sit with this question.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: Does it feel better to be loved or to love?
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me that loving feels so good.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: It feels so good to love when I am in love with life, when I love what's around me, when I love my children, when I love other people, even those that I don't know, when I offer up love to people that I'm angry at with, when if I if I offer up love to animals or the environment or life itself or God or spirit or the divine or that of which I can't explain, when I love all of that, I feel like blissful.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what feels good for me.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: So often we walk around thinking, I just want to be loved.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to be loved by my children, I just want to be loved by my partner, I just want to be loved by others.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: And we feel like we're falling short, or we feel like we're not getting enough love by others.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the question is, well, again, what if we rather than focusing on wanting to be loved, what if we focus on loving others?
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's actually what the data says.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: Say, data, a plural word.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: The data tell us that loving others is the anecdote to depression.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: When we learn to love others, when we learn to love life, we feel better.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: We feel us alone, we feel connected to something greater than ourselves, our children, our partners, the divine, God, nature, love itself, life itself, we feel connected.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when we feel connected, we feel good.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: It feels better to love than to be loved.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, with respect to caring for ourselves, self-care, how can we love ourselves fully?
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: As high achievers, so many of the women who I work with in my work, probably because I am familiar with this idea of being a high achiever myself, we get caught up in this world of being go-getters.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a go-getter.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: Go get them.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: She's such a go-getter, right?
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: We sort of admire this, right?
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: We admire those people out there who are just go-getters.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: But but the question is, what are we going to get?
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: What are we working to get?
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a go-getter.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what am I working to get?
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_00: Can I be a go-giver?
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: Can I give more?
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Can I give more of myself to the world at large, to my children?
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm going to give more of myself, how do I make sure that that capital S self is full so that I don't become depleted?
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I come depleted, then I have nothing of myself to give.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm going to be a go-giver, I have to be filling myself up.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: I have to fill myself up first with love, with wisdom, with care.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where mothering kind of shifts from a doing practical place to a being spiritual place, at least it does for me.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to offer this concept up to you today.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: I, Kate Kripke, I was gifted a life.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was gifted eyes, ears, arms, legs, a heart, a brain, a body, a spirit.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: I have personal gifts that are very uh unique to me.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's no other Kate Kripke out there in this world.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I have all these very unique gifts that have to do with my own creativity, my own wisdom, my own voice, my own personal fill-in the blank.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was gifted all of this.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was brought onto this planet.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: And really, I mean, this is where my mind explodes because I think like I actually get a little crazy when I think about this stuff.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like the the the miracle of life, like my parents brought me into this world by finding each other somehow.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, there they were divorced when I was 16.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: They did not complete their lives together, but but at one point in life, they were brought together and their love for each other co-created to sperm and egg create me.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's freaking mind-blowing.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: The the the miracle of that, like the the moment that led to the moment that led to the moment that led to the moment that led to me, it's like mind blowing.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I was born, I was gifted these eyes, ears, arms, leg, heart, brain, body, spirit, all these personal unique gifts to me, a voice.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is now my job to care for those things well.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't care for those things well, my body, my eyes, my ears, my arms, my legs, my heart, my brain, my spirit.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't care for those things well, what a waste.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I want to care for these things well?
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_00: What is the purpose of these things?
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: It is to use them in service of others.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: Greater purpose.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's to use them in service of my children, my two daughters who are now teenagers, one of whom is going to be going to college soon.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: My work is to connect with myself, with this love that is me, so that I can help you, listener, connect with yourself, that self which is love, so that you can connect with your children.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: My work is to connect with myself, so that I can connect with.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: My children, so that my children connect with themselves, which is love.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: I have to connect first with myself.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have to take care of myself well.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: Kate Kripke has to engage in really profound, wise care of myself in order for me to be able to connect with you, to care for you, my listener, my client.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I want to care for you so that you learn how to care for yourself?
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that important to me?
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can't care for your children fully until you learn how to care for yourself fully.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it important to me that you care for your children fully?
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want your children to care for themselves fully.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: And why do I care if your children care for themselves fully?
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because by them caring for themselves fully, they care for the world fully.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: See, we're all part of the same stuff.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_00: We are all interconnected.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_00: We always have to go first.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: I, Kate Kripke, I have to go first.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: You, listener, you have to go first.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_00: So what is connecting with our children?
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: What is true connection?
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I have never met a mother who doesn't want to deeply connect with her child.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: What are we talking about here, though?
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: What is true connection with our kids?
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's true connection with ourselves.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: Which leads me to this idea of being present because I have also never worked with a mom or never talked to a woman who doesn't say, ah, I just wish I was more present.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: I just wish I was more present.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_00: What do we even mean when we say that?
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this to myself.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to tell you right now, the times I feel worse, the times I feel bad about myself as a mom, the times that I feel like, oh, I am not mothering well, are the times that I am like not being present.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're the times that I'm abandoning myself and my and the moment and my children.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the times I don't feel good as a mom.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_00: So when we love someone, when we fully love someone, we are loving them right now in this present moment.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_00: When we're loving our children fully, we're not saying, well, I loved you then, or I will love you when.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: I loved you yesterday, kiddo, or last year, or when you were a baby, when you were A, B, or C.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't say, Well, I will love you when, kiddo, when you learn to talk nicely, or when you do this thing I'm telling you I want you to do, or when you stop behaving badly, or when you stop throwing a tantrum, or when you stop crying, or when you do the things I want you to do.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what we're saying to our kids.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: When I say that out loud, I mean, say that out loud for a moment.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine if you said that to your child.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I will love you when you start being kinder to me.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I will love you when you stop crying.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I will love you when you start making better decisions.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: I will love you when you, you know, whatever.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like we don't say that to our kids.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_00: We say, I love you now, in the present moment.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_00: True love is I love you right now, in this moment, as you are, in all of your shit, and all of your glory, and all of your vulnerability, and all of your uncertainty, and all of your clumsiness, and all of your beauty, and all of your and all of your everything.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love you in this moment right now as you are.
• 48:33
  SPEAKER_00: I love myself right now in this moment as I am.
• 48:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can't say to myself, it doesn't make sense to say to myself, I will love myself when I'm less unhappy.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: I will love myself when I'm better at that thing.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_00: I will love myself when I stop making mistakes.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: I will love myself when I'm less grumpy.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: I will love myself when I am more capable.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_00: I will love myself when I achieve that goal.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make any sense.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I'm fully loving myself, I am fully loving myself in this moment just as I am.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when I can love myself fully in this moment just as I am, then I can love my child fully in this moment just as they are.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when I, the moment I abandon myself is the moment I abandon my child.
• 49:41
  SPEAKER_00: The moment we abandon ourselves when we feel vulnerable, uncertain, scared, angry, disappointed, all those feelings that we don't like to have, by the way, we're very rarely taught how to have those feelings and stay steady in them.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not your fault if you don't know how to do that.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us haven't been taught yet how to do that.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_00: But when we abandon ourselves in those moments, either physically or psychologically, physically meaning, you know, I abandon myself by picking up that second, third, fourth drink, or, you know, doing something harmful to my body.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe I'm abandoning myself psychologically by literally like beating myself up or tuning out.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, certainly we can abandon ourselves in the moment, sorry, our children in the moment, right?
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: We can too when they're having big feelings.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_00: We can, we can like, I mean, all most of us, all we want to do in that moment is get away from our child and get away from the moment.
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_00: And again, if we're not taught how to stay steady in that moment, we won't know how.
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_00: So be kind to yourself.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you're one of those people who does that, it's really hard to stay in these hard moments of mothering when they're so uncomfortable.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be taught how to do that.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_00: But true love is about staying steady in those moments with ourselves and our children.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so, what do true love and true connection and being the moment and being present have in common?
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: They already exist.
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_00: The moment is always right here in this moment, whether we're doing something together with our child or not, whether we're being together or just acknowledging that this interconnectedness always exists with our child, always exists with ourselves.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to work for the connection.
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to work to be present.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: We are already interconnected.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: We are already connected.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_00: We are already present.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_00: When we're being our true selves and accepting both ourselves and our children as they are, as we are, we are connected.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: We are together in this right now.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: We are not separate.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_00: We are together in this place of love.
• 52:13
  SPEAKER_00: We can't not be with each other.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_00: We can't not be connected because we are each other.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_00: We are interconnected right now, in this moment.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_00: I get so stuck in this sometimes, right?
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, if I'm not being mindful, if I'm not coming in honestly, like part of the reason I want to dive into this to this moment to do this podcast is because I was in nature.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was walking.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was outside.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where I feel most connected to myself, is when I'm engaging in something healthy like that.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when I feel most connected to myself, those are the moments I want to connect with you.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to come right here, right?
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when I'm not doing that, I get caught in this thing.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what do I have to do to connect with my community?
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I have to provide, I have to create more reels.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_00: I have to do more posts.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have to provide, I have to like provide more courses for people.
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have to get up there and sell a course.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have to provide more opportunities for me to teach.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I can get stuck in with you all, with your listeners.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: What do I have to do to serve this community?
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_00: I have to do more.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_00: I can get lost in that.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then I get stressed out, and then I get in this achievement modality.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have to achieve more.
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_00: I have to set more goals.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have to do more.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or I might do this with my kids.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: What do I have to do to mother my kids better?
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_00: I have to cook for them.
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_00: I have to advise them.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have to protect protect them.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: I have to provide for them.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: I have to, you know, buy them the clothes.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: I have to cook them the meal.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: I have to, you know, whatever that's doing, doing, doing, doing.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: But really, really the lesson here is that true service comes from being.
• 54:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to be?
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_00: Kate Kripke, what do I need to be to service my community?
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: You well.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not what do I be, who do I need to be to service my community well?
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_00: Who do I need to be to service my children well?
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I need to be love.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be presence.
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be care.
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be honesty.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be truth.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be openness.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be willingness.
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be acceptance.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: And these things they come from within me.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to feed them so that they grow.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have to feed myself, capital S self, so that I grow.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_00: AKA self-care.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_00: So how do we really care for ourselves?
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is it through getting our nails done?
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is it through taking a bath?
• 55:07
  SPEAKER_00: Is it through eating healthy?
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is it through going to that yoga class?
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_00: Is it through, you know, spending time with friends?
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's part of it.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_00: But even before that, caring for myself means caring for those concepts.
• 55:32
  SPEAKER_00: It means accepting myself.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do to accept myself so that I can be acceptance?
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to love to do to love myself from the inside so I can be love?
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be?
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_00: What do I have to do to access self-compassion so that I can be compassion for others?
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do to access authenticity so that I can be authentic?
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to do to access my core values?
• 56:04
  SPEAKER_00: Which really, by the way, are not the things we've usually been taught, hard work, perseverance, right?
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: For me, they're growth.
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_00: I value growth.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_00: I value learning.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_00: I value connection.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_00: So what do I have to do to be those values?
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_00: I need to connect with this moment just as I am right now.
• 56:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I might then say, okay, well, that is connecting with God, that is connecting with nature, that is connecting with a wonder, that is connecting with myself so that I can connect with you, connecting with myself so that I can connect with my children.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because I am a part of all of it and all of it is a part of me.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_00: You, listener, are a part of all of it, and all of it is a part of you.
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what self-care is.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than something, an experience in which I'm afraid of losing myself.
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_00: Can I see it as motherhood as being an opportunity to find myself?
• 58:21
  SPEAKER_00: But again, remember the whole purpose of this episode today is to see ourselves, capital S self, as interconnected with other.
• 58:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys, sometimes motherhood is the first time we realize this.
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_00: We realize this interconnection because our children teach us this.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_00: Our children's heart hurt, our hearts hurt.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_00: Our children feel big feelings, we feel big feelings.
• 58:55
  SPEAKER_00: It is the deepest expression of interconnectedness.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, what would it mean if we were going to see motherhood as our opportunity to find ourselves?
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_00: This capital S self that's interconnected and whole and never alone.
• 59:20
  SPEAKER_00: This self that is important, always important, in the larger well-being of everything and everyone else.
• 59:35
  SPEAKER_00: Can we find this capital S self in motherhood?
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than losing ourselves in motherhood, can we find ourselves?
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because our children need us to love ourselves fully.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: They need us in order to be their full selves themselves because we're interconnected.
• 1:00:06
  SPEAKER_00: We need to show our children what loving ourselves looks like, what it feels like, what it means again in this version that we're talking about today.
• 1:00:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can't love my children well.
• 1:00:24
  SPEAKER_00: Those two daughters who I look at, oh, it makes me want to cry with inspiration and oh, and um oh, just uh they're growing up, they're growing up, and I get confused sometimes in this stage of motherhood.
• 1:00:48
  SPEAKER_00: Deb knows, Deb, you know, I know you're listening to this podcast, you know.
• 1:00:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy.
• 1:00:53
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about this all the time.
• 1:00:55
  SPEAKER_00: We we get confused in this part of motherhood when we have these teenagers who are fuck, they are trying to figure out who they are at the same time that we are trying to figure out who we are.
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_00: We are them and they are us.
• 1:01:19
  SPEAKER_00: And folks, if we are not taking care of ourselves, they won't take care of themselves.
• 1:01:29
  SPEAKER_00: If we are not taking our care of ourselves well so that we can be full, so that we can be self-full in that wise, loving, interconnected way that we're talking about here, that Rabbi David Aaron talks about, and other other spiritual teachers talk about.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_00: If we're not taking care of ourselves fully, we can't fully take care of our children.
• 1:02:03
  SPEAKER_00: That is why self-care is imperative.
• 1:02:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:02:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that this episode today is helping you rethink some of what it means to be a mother, some of what it means to love, some of what it means to be of service in your family, in the world, in your communities.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_00: I do this work behind the closed doors of what you all can't see every day.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not perfect at it.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_00: I get off track, I get offline, and then I don't feel good.
• 1:02:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am quickly reminded that I'm off, that I'm I'm disconnecting from something larger than myself.
• 1:02:57
  SPEAKER_00: This this spirit, this divine, this God, this interconnectedness that I can't explain, that science can't explain, that you all can't explain, that we can't explain.
• 1:03:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am off alignment with that thing when I'm not loving myself well.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_00: So let's all love ourselves well together on behalf of our kids and on behalf of this whole planet.
• 1:03:28
  SPEAKER_00: So with that, I'm gonna tune out.
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_00: I love you listeners.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you follow my Instagram feed, if you are receiving my in uh a newsletter, I always check out, I always finish with that love, Kate.
• 1:03:46
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say love, Kate is not cliche, it's I love you because I love me.
• 1:03:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um dang it, it took me too many decades to learn how to love myself fully.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're younger than 51, go ahead and begin to love yourself fully now.
• 1:04:10
  SPEAKER_00: And uh imagine, imagine what it will be like for your children to be raised where they're taught to love themselves fully now when they're little.
• 1:04:24
  SPEAKER_00: All right, until next time.
• 1:04:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hey listeners, we sure hope you enjoyed that episode.
• 1:04:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if you did, we would really love for you to share this with a friend.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the deal: we're all in this together.
• 1:04:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as a community of moms, we need to make sure that no one is left alone.
• 1:04:47
  SPEAKER_00: So you can help us with that.
• 1:04:49
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this episode or other episodes that you found useful for you.
• 1:04:54
  SPEAKER_00: Please consider writing a review and rating this podcast because when you do, it actually makes it more accessible to other moms who might be looking for podcasts that they would also find useful.
• 1:05:06
  SPEAKER_00: So we are so grateful you're here.
• 1:05:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you were interested in just taking a minute or two to share and rate and review, Deb and I would be so grateful.
• 1:05:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for mothering with us.