Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #118 Why Do We Need Parenting Experts Anyway?

Transcript

#118 Why Do We Need Parenting Experts Anyway? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 1: poor parent who just want answers Now with me Doctor
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  Speaker 1: Justin Colson, and I'm joined by Luke and Suzi, your
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  Speaker 1: husband and wife radio duo, who have three young boys.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to get to them in just a sec.
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  Speaker 1: But before we dive into the podcast conversation today, there's
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  Speaker 1: something really exciting that I want to talk to you about.
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  Speaker 1: It's called a Happy Families membership, and it's something that
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  Speaker 1: has just become available on the Happy Family's website. Because
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  Speaker 1: parenting your child is not one big thing, it's a
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  Speaker 1: million little things. And I think so too as parenting support.
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  Speaker 1: Over the last little while, I've been having more and
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  Speaker 1: more parents saying I just want access to you. I
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  Speaker 1: want to be able to know the stuff that you know.
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  Speaker 1: I want to know how to talk to my children
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  Speaker 1: the way you tell me to, and I just need
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  Speaker 1: a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: Of extra support. And so we've put together a Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families Membership, which essentially means that you can have me
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  Speaker 2: parenting expert in your pocket. What you get with this
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  Speaker 2: is the calm assurance that parenting can.
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  Speaker 1: Be overwhelm but you don't have to do it all
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  Speaker 1: on your own. You've got me as a support also
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  Speaker 1: that vision and direction. You know what you want your
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  Speaker 1: family to look like and feel like and be like.
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  Speaker 1: My job is to help you get there, and it's
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  Speaker 1: with solutions that you can trust. I want to give
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  Speaker 1: you evidence based answers for all of your parenting predicaments. Now,
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  Speaker 1: you probably know the challenges that I've had with my family,
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  Speaker 1: and that's why I do what I do. So here's
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  Speaker 1: what you get with a Happy Family's membership. For twelve
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  Speaker 1: bucks a month. I lighten the load for you by
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  Speaker 1: sending you a weekly email with a simple tip to
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  Speaker 1: practice during the week to help make your family function better.
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  Speaker 2: Now, every now and again.
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  Speaker 1: It gets a bit tricky, but I know that these
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  Speaker 1: tips well, they're tried and true in the furnace of
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  Speaker 1: family life. On top of that, you get access to
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  Speaker 1: my entire video library, all of the webcasts that I've
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  Speaker 1: ever done before, all of the webinars with ideas to
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  Speaker 1: help make your family function more effectively, plus a live
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  Speaker 1: webinar every term or so maybe even more frequently that
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  Speaker 1: maybe one or two times a term. There's ideas for
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  Speaker 1: connecting with your family, having fun with your family. It's
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  Speaker 1: all in this membership where we really move the needle
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  Speaker 1: for your family. Now, if you want the Premium membership,
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  Speaker 1: you also get access to Q and A sessions with me.
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  Speaker 1: You might even end up a family under the Spotlight,
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  Speaker 1: and you'll get access to my exclusive podcast Parenting Perspectives
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  Speaker 1: that is not available via your usual feed. You need
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  Speaker 1: to be a Happy Families Premium member to be able
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  Speaker 1: to access that, So please go to happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com Do I use so that you can find out
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  Speaker 1: more about those Happy Families memberships. I think they're going
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  Speaker 1: to add extraordinary value to your life, and I would
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  Speaker 1: be so delighted to be able to have that opportunity
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  Speaker 1: to work with you a little more closely. Now I'm
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  Speaker 1: with the Usual podcast. In this conversation, I talked to
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  Speaker 1: an exuberant Luke and Susie about why we even need
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  Speaker 1: parenting experts.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Kilson from Happy Families Justin Hallo probably never
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  Speaker 3: been more informed and had never had so much access
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  Speaker 3: to psychology and studies and research and understanding about how
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  Speaker 3: kids and people work, and yet it is so done confusing.
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  Speaker 1: There's more science than ever, there are more opinions than ever,
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  Speaker 1: and it may actually be that overwhelming abundance of information
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  Speaker 1: that makes it, you know, we get paralysis by analysis.
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  Speaker 2: You've heard that phrase before.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure there's a really interesting group of studies by
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  Speaker 1: Initially the seminal work was done by a lady called
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  Speaker 1: Sheila Aga, and what she was doing was she was
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  Speaker 1: looking at the impact of choice. Barry Schwartz has done
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  Speaker 1: some other great research in this area as well, the
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  Speaker 1: impact of choice on our ability to make decisions, And
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  Speaker 1: what the data seems to suggest is that the more
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  Speaker 1: choice we have, you know, like we think Netflix is
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  Speaker 1: going to be amazing because there's so much to choose from.
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  Speaker 1: But the more choice we have, the more frustrated we become,
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  Speaker 1: and the less likely it is that we'll do things.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that might be a little bit about
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  Speaker 1: what's happening with parenting. There are so many different ways
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  Speaker 1: that we compare and we can be the gentle parent,
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  Speaker 1: we can be the helicopter parent, we can be the
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  Speaker 1: tiger parent. We can be the warmole parent, the snowplower parent.
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  Speaker 1: We can be the authoritarian parent, the authoritative parent. We
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  Speaker 1: can be you know, we can keep the little emperor parenting.
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  Speaker 1: It just keeps going, which which snowplow.
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  Speaker 4: The snowplower parents sounds attractive to me, but it's fascinating
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  Speaker 4: because it's like, on the one hand, as there's so
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  Speaker 4: much confusion in perent during there is a high demand
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  Speaker 4: from what you bring in advice and clarity and simplification
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  Speaker 4: of concepts and ideas to help us parent. Yet every
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  Speaker 4: parent's an expert. At the same time, Well.
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  Speaker 1: You know, when we have experience that gives us a
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  Speaker 1: degree of expertise, it doesn't. Let me be clear, it
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  Speaker 1: doesn't give us a degree. It gives us a degree
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  Speaker 1: of expertise.
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  Speaker 2: There is a difference.
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  Speaker 1: And so because we've got experience with children and child rearing,
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  Speaker 1: we feel like we've got that expert and I think
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  Speaker 1: that's biologically wired into us. I mean, you think about
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  Speaker 1: maybe two or three hundred years ago, there was no
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  Speaker 1: one out there writing books about parenting. There were no
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  Speaker 1: parenting experts. A couple of hundred years ago. What people
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  Speaker 1: did was they passed on folk wisdom. They passed on
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  Speaker 1: the old wives tales, all of the bits and pieces
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  Speaker 1: that were folk wisdom that needed to pass from one
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  Speaker 1: generation to the next. Mothers taught their daughters, fathers taught
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  Speaker 1: their sons. And let's also remember childhood has been extended
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  Speaker 1: extraordinarily in the modern age. Childhood never lasted this long. Well,
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  Speaker 1: kids were actually you hadchildren, and they did as they
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  Speaker 1: were told. They had to contribute to the farm, or
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  Speaker 1: they had to contribute to the running of the house.
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  Speaker 1: Whereas now we've got education and we've got extracurricular activities,
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  Speaker 1: and our lives are very, very, very different, and even
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  Speaker 1: in the last decade or so, the way technology has
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  Speaker 1: influenced parenting so that we as a generation are facing
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  Speaker 1: parenting quandaries and challenges that previous generations of parents never saw.
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  Speaker 2: Exactly.
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  Speaker 3: You mentioned about the old wife styles, and I was
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  Speaker 3: thinking through like, so many of them are a load
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  Speaker 3: of guff, and yet some of them were amazing wisdom
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  Speaker 3: that we see true to this day. And it struck
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  Speaker 3: me that maybe ignorance is okay. Like if people have
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  Speaker 3: been turning out okay despite the wisdom being flawed for
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  Speaker 3: all of humanity, then maybe we shouldn't put so much
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  Speaker 3: pressure on ourselves to perfectly have every answer perfect.
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  Speaker 1: Luke, I want to agree with you because it sounds
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  Speaker 1: like it's a great idea, but I don't know that
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  Speaker 1: people turned out okay. So if we're ok if we
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  Speaker 1: look at the way, you know, certain wisdom was part
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  Speaker 1: from one generation to another around discipline and the way
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  Speaker 1: children should be disciplined. I mean, I've read some quotes
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  Speaker 1: from early what many of them were early church leaders.
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  Speaker 1: They were the ones who were usually writing the books
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  Speaker 1: back then and in positions of authority, and some of
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  Speaker 1: the things that they said ought to be done to
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  Speaker 1: children to teach them to obey their parents better. And
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  Speaker 1: we're talking in the seventeen hundreds, the eighteen hundreds, for example.
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  Speaker 1: People survived, but I wouldn't say that they turned out okay.
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  Speaker 1: And too many of those terrible ideas have survived into
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  Speaker 1: twenty twenty. So I think we want to be a
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  Speaker 1: little bit careful. Just because we got here doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: that it was all okay and that it was all
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  Speaker 1: hunky dori and fine and dandy. In fact, I'm just
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  Speaker 1: thinking about this whole idea of why we need parenting experts,
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  Speaker 1: and I think back to my parents and my grandparents' generation,
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  Speaker 1: and I think that there's a difference in that today's
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  Speaker 1: parents are willing to ask questions if they're stuck, whereas
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  Speaker 1: back in the day I can't imagine my parents, especially
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  Speaker 1: my grandparents, sitting around and saying, Gee, what are we
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  Speaker 1: going to do about these kids? And asking questions and
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  Speaker 1: trying to find information about how to raise their children.
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  Speaker 1: I think they were making it up as they went along,
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  Speaker 1: just like the rest of us. It's just that they
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  Speaker 1: didn't share their vulnerabilities and their concerns the way we do.
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  Speaker 3: So I thought I was saying the whole time, I
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  Speaker 3: can't believe you suggested otherwise. Lucky justin corrected you with
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  Speaker 3: what you said.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I am keen to talk about then, how we
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  Speaker 4: overcome this confusion because we do live in a world
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  Speaker 4: where there's sometimes pressure from the generation before that was
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  Speaker 4: a stay at home mum generation. There's pressure from social
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  Speaker 4: media about how we're supposed to look, feel, have it
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  Speaker 4: all together and be all of the time, and how
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  Speaker 4: our kids should be. But then there's also our instinct
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  Speaker 4: that sometimes it's fighting both of those things. So where
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  Speaker 4: do we find calm in the chaos of our minds
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  Speaker 4: when it comes to parenting?
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  Speaker 2: Then happy families dot com dot it No, I'm just.
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  Speaker 4: Kidding, Yes, where.
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  Speaker 1: We want to go is now I've asked parents the
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  Speaker 1: same questions because I certainly don't hold myself as the
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  Speaker 1: font of all wisdom. And I'm sure that there are
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  Speaker 1: plenty of other quote unquote experts who are out there
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  Speaker 1: who would likewise say, yeah, sure, I've got a degree
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  Speaker 1: or I've written these books, but that doesn't mean that
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  Speaker 1: I know what to do for every parent in every situation.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, this is a tricky gig. So where do
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  Speaker 2: you go?
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  Speaker 1: I think that there's a couple of places that I
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  Speaker 1: would point you to. The first would be I'd be
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  Speaker 1: looking for people who have runs on the board and
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  Speaker 1: who have done.
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  Speaker 2: It very very well. The difficulty with going to people.
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  Speaker 1: Who have done it very very well is sometimes sometimes
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  Speaker 1: have been intentional, and sometimes they don't even know what
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  Speaker 1: they did or how it worked out. I remember talking
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  Speaker 1: to one guy. He had six adult children who were
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  Speaker 1: just exemplars of brilliance. They'd all been good kids, none
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  Speaker 1: of them had made any big bad decisions as adolescents.
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  Speaker 1: They'd all gotten married and gone to UNI and gotten
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  Speaker 1: fancy degrees, and I mean they were just amazing. I said,
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  Speaker 1: how did you do it? And he looked at me
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  Speaker 1: and said, I promise you I don't know. Oh, I
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  Speaker 1: just I don't. And he said, I don't think that
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  Speaker 1: I did anything differently to my brother or my friend
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  Speaker 1: over here, who also had children who drove them up
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  Speaker 1: the wall and who had less optimal outcomes. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes I was a far worse parent than any of them,
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  Speaker 1: and I just I don't know. So I think that
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  Speaker 1: some people are intentional and they have great outcomes. Some
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  Speaker 1: people are intentional and they don't. So going to other
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  Speaker 1: people can be helpful, but it's not always going to help.
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  Speaker 1: And by the way, I think it's also useful to
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  Speaker 1: go to people who have made significant parenting errors and
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  Speaker 1: asking them, if you've got the right relationship with them,
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  Speaker 1: what have you learned as a parent, and what can
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  Speaker 1: I learn from your experience?
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  Speaker 2: And if they're willing to.
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  Speaker 1: Be open and vulnerable, if they're on that path where
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  Speaker 1: they're trying to be better, I think that we can
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  Speaker 1: also learn from them. There's definitely some value in talking
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  Speaker 1: to people like myself. And then this is not a
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  Speaker 1: self promotional conversation, I promise, But if you're talking to
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  Speaker 1: somebody who's got the PhD in psychology and who's got
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  Speaker 1: the runs on the board with their own.
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  Speaker 2: Children, who has done the heavy lifting.
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  Speaker 1: You know that cognitive introspection the hard work to tease
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  Speaker 1: apart hard answers.
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  Speaker 2: Then you're always going to get great information.
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  Speaker 1: There. There's one other place that I think it's worth
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  Speaker 1: high lighting that we should turn to, and I think
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  Speaker 1: that's God. We can get answers to prayers when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to the raising of our children. If we want
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  Speaker 1: to raise them well, then we should pray and ask
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  Speaker 1: for help. And not everybody has a faith background, but
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  Speaker 1: there are different ways that people can find those answers.
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  Speaker 1: For some it might be through mindful meditation, For others
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  Speaker 1: it will be through prayer. For others it'll be holy
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  Speaker 1: works of writing. But I think that we need to
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  Speaker 1: recognize that there is there are answers that are outside
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  Speaker 1: of ourselves, and we should be humble enough to look
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  Speaker 1: for them.
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  Speaker 4: So good.
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  Speaker 3: See, as I promised, he simplifies things good because there's
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  Speaker 3: a whole lot of stuff that comes in. And I
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  Speaker 3: love you know just it wouldn't be a justin causon
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  Speaker 3: segment if we didn't bring in the three e's. And
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  Speaker 3: I love that as an example because while we're searching
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  Speaker 3: for the complicated answers, you constantly just bring it back
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  Speaker 3: to no matter what the circumstance, to explore, to explain,
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  Speaker 3: to empower, and this concept is just so simple to
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  Speaker 3: actually we want to know what the real issue is,
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  Speaker 3: we want to navigate it, and then we want to
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  Speaker 3: empower something to be different.
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  Speaker 2: Gee, you're good. You should write a book about that.
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  Speaker 3: Look up started.
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  Speaker 4: It's copyrighted work.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Kilson from Happy Families, keeping it simple but
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  Speaker 3: empowering us to be able to be the best parents
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  Speaker 3: we can be for our kids, because quite frankly, Susie,
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  Speaker 3: they're worth it.
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  Speaker 2: Right. There's one more.
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  Speaker 1: There's one more thing I should say, and that is
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  Speaker 1: you can turn to all of those different places, but
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  Speaker 1: very often the answers are inside. You don't feel like
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  Speaker 1: you need to go to an expert all the time.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes yes, but sometimes the answers have just inside you
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  Speaker 1: take advantage of that.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Kilson, thank you so much for your time.
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  Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the podcast or found it helpful, please
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  Speaker 1: do something for me. Go to Apple Podcasts if you
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  Speaker 1: could leave a rating and a review. Well, it's those
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  Speaker 1: reviews that help people to find the podcast and to
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  Speaker 1: help themselves to make their families function even better.
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  Speaker 2: I loved receiving this review.
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  Speaker 1: It came through from Oscar Tromboli, who has a fabulous
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  Speaker 1: podcast about deep listening himself. He gave it a five
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  Speaker 1: star rating and said, thanks Justin. This is very practical
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  Speaker 1: and something I can do straight away. And we also
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  Speaker 1: I've got another five star rating that came through from
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  Speaker 1: Seta MJD who said, I only came across this podcast
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  Speaker 1: last week, but I haven't stopped listening since. It's helped
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  Speaker 1: validate a number of ideas and beliefs of mine and
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  Speaker 1: also challenged me on others.
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  Speaker 2: So thank you.
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  Speaker 1: I'd love it if you would leave a rating and
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  Speaker 1: review as well at Apple Podcasts. Please do that, and
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  Speaker 1: if you'd like more information on how I can help,
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  Speaker 1: visit happyfamilies dot com dot au or go to my
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: Facebook page doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families