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The Best Relationship Advice Nobody Ever Told You · Motivation Mindset Podcast

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: If your partner really wants to see you happy, if
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: your partner really wants to see you to succeed in
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: those moments where you feel disrespected, slighted. They're pressing my
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: freaking triggers. They're doing it on purpose.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Go back to what do you know?
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: If you know they love you, if you know they
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: don't deliberately want to hurt you, then what we do
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: is it must be a communication issue. I love the
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: analogy of tennis where it's like you got a choice.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Are you on the opposite side of the core and
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: we're hitting the ball back and forward, but ultimately one
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: of you has to win, or are you next to
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: me and we're teammates, and if I missed the ball,
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: you got my back, and if I missed the ball,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I got your back, And we are both playing to
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: win the same game and the same thing together, and
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: at the end of the day, we're both standing on
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: the podium together holding that cup together. I've chosen a
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: game of doubles. Okay, so if I've chosen a game
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: of doubles, what does that look like? If you want
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: someone which I do, to be there when you're weak,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: you have to be honest about where you're weak, if
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: you want somebody to help you on a journey, because
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: to me, it is the partnership.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: One thing that people really have to understand is this
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: idea of you've got to want the other person to win,
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Like all of this stuff only works if you are
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: just filling your heart with I want this person to win.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I want to navigate this in a way where I'm
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: not trying to win the argument. I'm trying to like,
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: I want them to win it life. I want them
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: to feel elevated. I want them to feel better about
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: themselves when they're around me, then when they're not. I
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: want to elevate this marriage and by always focusing on
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: elevating each other, by focusing on like recognizing that you're
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: only going to be able to elevate each other in
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: the marriage if you're honest. And so when I take
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: you to that new level, and I think, God, like,
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: the argument just got harder, it got worse. There's more emotions,
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: like things are heightened, and being willing to push through
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: that because I want us to win. I don't want
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: there to be dust that settles. I want to get
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: really to the truth. And sometimes that means that you
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: have to own something that's really hard.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I mean everything we're talking about right now, it comes
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: back to mean you discuss everything. We communicate on every
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: aspect and so anyone listening. Really, that's what it comes
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: down to, is it doesn't even matter what you're looking
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: for in your relationship, do you but communicate that with
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: your partner if you want to. You know, if it's
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: a role thing, communicate, If it's a leadership thing, communicate,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: If it's a I want to feel this way, communicate,
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: like mean you every step of the way we communicate,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: so there's not that friction that I think so many
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: couples have where it's am I supposed to be this
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: and they're supposed to be that, and you know, just
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: discussing those things, it's been thing changing.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: You and I have a phrase. The phrase we use
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: because it's not triggering for either of us is everything
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: is my fault. So to give people other language is
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: I'm always in control, so I can always react differently
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: and then get a different reaction for me.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: I take ownership is one thing.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: I'm here amazing, So I'm taking ownership for this. And
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: by doing that, by saying, hey, this is a trigger,
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: you don't have to solve for this. I'm working on it,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: but I'm not there yet, and so this moment is
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: big and very emotionally disruptive for me. And I would say, hey, look,
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I'm really feeling this thing. This is a really big
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: deal for me. But I create that space where I'm
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: not acting out, I'm not embodying what I'm feeling. And
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I create that space so I can articulate what I'm
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: going through to sort of hand the baton to you,
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: to say, hey, if you can take leadership in this moment,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: don't sort of rise to my level, but understand that
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: I'm actually going through something. And that's one of the
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: best things about a high functioning relationship is what you
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: can accomplish as a pair is isn't one plus two,
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: It's like two squared. I mean it's really amazing. Like
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: I don't care what role people play in their relationship,
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: but to fail to understand that we have evolved to
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: play roles is where people really get into trouble. Like
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I'll just say I would never be able to stay
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: with a wife who didn't know how to make me
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: feel powerful. And I use those words very intentional. I
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: should know how to make myself feel powerful as well.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: But if you didn't know what little moves to do
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: to make me feel powerful, I don't know it just
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: there would be. It feels so good and it's like
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: I hope that women will be very comfortable with this.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: If you're with a man that doesn't know how to
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: make you feel beautiful, you're missing a trick.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Completely. I kind of just add one little thing as well,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: because here's the thing. People want to know. How we've
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: been together this long with this honest I want you
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: to make me feel a certain way.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: I can't rely on you like I cannot rely on you, babe,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: to make me feel sexy, to make me feel sexual.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: No doubt that is on me.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: I do want you to make me feel beautiful, but
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: again I don't need you to.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: And it's important to understand. You need to understand the
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: difference between need and want, because failing to understand that,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: you have to own yourself. You have to own your
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: own emotions, you have to take control of your life
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: and yet hold the competing idea in your head of
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: But I also need a partner who knows how to
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: elevate me and make me feel beautiful or powerful or
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: sexy or strong or like whatever that need is that
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: you have where it's yes, at my best, I should
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: be able to do this for myself, and ninety nine
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: percent of the time I do. But I'm not always
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: at my best, and I need somebody that can help
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: me in those ways. And it's like, if in the
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: moment where you need me to make you feel beautiful
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: right already a super fragile state means you're not in
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: a great place. If I'm like, you shouldn't need me
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: to make you feel beautiful, it's like a wrong answer.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: It's like, yes, that's actually true, but in that moment,
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: oh god, is it the misread of the situation.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: And then also that's what to me, a partnership is,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Like we've committed to being in a partnership together, so
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: there is going to be one hundred percent this crossover
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: of relying on the other person, of needing the other
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: person you know, on occasions to really be able to
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: turn to them and know they've got your back, that
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: when you fall on the floor, they are there to
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: reach out a hand and pull you back up. To me,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: that is what a partnership is.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I don't have the responsibility to make you feel good, strong, powerful, beautiful, whatever, loved.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I have the opportunity to make you feel that way,
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: but I don't have the obligation. And when you realize
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: I need to own my feelings. So you have done
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: this thing, whatever that thing is, but I have chosen
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: to feel this way about it, and so just because
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I feel that way, it does not mean that it
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: is true, and I am very eager to find out
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: if it is true. So so often people confuse their
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: feelings with thinking that they've actually thought through the problem.
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: And I don't mean that to be fasty. I mean
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: that literally, like people confuse feeling something for having thought
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: through it. One thing I think that people need to
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: know about us is we don't even say the D word.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Oh it's like Voldemort. You don't say in all house.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't talk about it. I don't joke about it.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: And so going through that, I'm like, Okay, I'm totally
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: committed to this, but I need to find a way
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: to like connect to it and feel good about it.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: And the big thing for me, and I think this
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: is like the key for people when it comes to change,
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: is I have a rule in my life that I
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: only elevate those around me. And so I'm like, never
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: more so than with my wife, if I'm trying to
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: elevate you, do I not want you to become the
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: most powerful person that excites you, that you learn everything
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: you've ever wanted to learn? Is that not exactly what
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: I want for you? And the answer is yes. So
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: then I'm like, Okay, now we have to find a
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: way to connect to this, find out how we avoid
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: this sort of muscle on muscle vibe and you know,
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: really like find that rhythm. But just being able to
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: say I want I want you to become whoever you
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: want to become in order to be proud, and I
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: want you to feel that you've become as powerful as
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: you want to become. And it was interesting. Then it
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: sort of unlocks something and it wasn't anymore about keeping
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: you the same. It was about all right, well, let's
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: go on this ride together and then obviously communicating a
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: lot about it. And then I hope because functionally what
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: happened is you now have multiple gears because there are
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: times where you're just the sappy, super genteel ultra nurturing,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: like let me do something sweet in that way for
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: you and I love it.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Why do fifty percent of marriages fail? Like if everybody
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: thinks they're in love but then ends up fifty percent divorce.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: There's a massive chasm between the time you fall in
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: love to you know, when people get divorced, and what
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: happens in between that chasm. And I think for me
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: and you, we just discussed that it doesn't get you
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: over your insecurities. It doesn't get you through arguments, It
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: doesn't get you through disagreements and problems and hurdles, Like
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: you can't just love your way out of it.