Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Response to Birthday boxes - Should you, could you, and why? | Ep. 37

Transcript

Response to Birthday boxes - Should you, could you, and why? | Ep. 37 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:01
  Cheryl (2): I'm so glad y'all are in here today.
• 1:04
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 1:04
  Cheryl (2): So Listeners I want us to talk about last week's interview,
• 1:07
  Cheryl: with
• 1:07
  Cheryl (2): Dr.
• 1:08
  Cheryl (2): Kelly Stevens on birthday boxes I didn't have time on the interview, but let's look at pros and cons and real life how we could use this.
• 1:20
  Christie: My goodness.
• 1:21
  Christie: Well, I've loved Dr.
• 1:22
  Christie: Stevens for a long time.
• 1:24
  Christie: My.
• 1:24
  Christie: Oldest was two when we started seeing him.
• 1:27
  Christie: And she's now 23 So she I've had a couple kids graduate from his office.
• 1:33
  Christie: and in fact, when we started seeing him, I remember I had been through other doctors, allergists pediatricians had my oldest on medications and did allergy testing all these things.
• 1:45
  Christie: And I got to Dr.
• 1:46
  Christie: Stevens and he said, so let me get this straight.
• 1:49
  Christie: when she drinks milk, she coughs and has her runny nose And when she doesn't drink milk, She doesn't cough and doesn't have a runny nose.
• 1:57
  Christie: And I said, Yeah.
• 1:59
  Christie: And he said, then don't give her milk.
• 2:02
  Christie: oh man.
• 2:02
  Christie: And I was like, it was my first introduction to common sense.
• 2:06
  Christie: Not fear based, you know, just radical thinking of the simple principle that's not there, right?
• 2:12
  Danae: Yeah.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I enjoy him.
• 2:15
  Cheryl: I had looked forward a long time to interviewing him.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: And in fact, as I came up with this idea and was waiting for the right timing to begin interviewing Kelly was top of the list.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Yeah.
• 2:28
  Danae: Yeah, I thought that was really good.
• 2:30
  Danae: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Danae: I really liked how practical he was, but then just really showed a lot of grace.
• 2:37
  Danae: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:38
  Danae: Mm-hmm mm-hmm I wish I would've.
• 2:40
  Danae: Had him to go to with all of my kids when they were little.
• 2:43
  Danae: For sure.
• 2:43
  Danae: So I'm looking forward to all that he's gonna share with us and, and teach us about parenting.
• 2:48
  Danae: Well, about the birthday boxes when he was talking, I just kept imagining how I would want my birthday boxes or my kids' birthday boxes decorated.
• 2:58
  Danae: Right.
• 2:58
  Danae: I have envisioning these beautiful boxes.
• 3:01
  Danae: I
• 3:01
  Cheryl: love it.
• 3:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:02
  Ellen: He had some really good points that he made and, and his, and he, he had children, so he was able to apply those principles that he was sharing with us on kind of real life.
• 3:12
  Danae: Yes.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: Experiences.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: So let me refresh the definition of what Kelly's talking about.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: And what he said is we're defining ages or stages for things that don't have defined ages or stages.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: And that the idea would be that parents ask each other and discuss it, and then each family develops their own identity and reality.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Um, mm-hmm And then he gives this picture.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: Over the years As a family, as parents, we start in New York, we're going to Los Angeles and this is the trip between birth.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: And when we release them mm-hmm and that the birthday boxes are a tool for us to use, linked that in birthday boxes or in this idea that they have responsibilities that also sometimes come with freedoms and privileges.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: To sort of get things on track and keep our direction of where we want to go.
• 4:09
  Danae: Yes.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: Uh, understanding we're gonna have flat tires and things like that,
• 4:13
  Danae: mm-hmm
• 4:14
  Cheryl: And we said some of them are age related and some of them are character related.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: So what are your thoughts?
• 4:21
  Danae: Yeah, I think first of all, I just love that he brought up that picture of the map.
• 4:26
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, we, we talk about this about what is our goal and our goal is to release them to be healthy functioning adults, as, as much as we're able.
• 4:34
  Danae: Right.
• 4:35
  Danae: And so I like that about like, let's look at this process.
• 4:39
  Danae: That we're starting, you know, we're starting in, in one, you know, side of the country or the world and, and moving to another and looking at that, that that's, that's going to be happening no matter what.
• 4:51
  Danae: Right.
• 4:51
  Danae: Right.
• 4:51
  Danae: And do
• 4:51
  Ellen: have to plan your trip.
• 4:53
  Ellen: Right.
• 4:53
  Ellen: Nobody just, well, not nobody, but most people just don't open a map and go, let's just go.
• 4:58
  Ellen: Right.
• 4:59
  Ellen: You know, so you have to plan your trip along the way, and that's kind of what we're thinking about as moms.
• 5:05
  Ellen: Dads, how do we plan our child's trip across their childhood for the first 18 years?
• 5:11
  Ellen: Yes.
• 5:12
  Ellen: And you know, then without getting them stuck somewhere, right.
• 5:15
  Christie: Cause that can happen.
• 5:16
  Christie: But being realistic, I loved what he said about the pitfalls and the flat tires and the roadblocks.
• 5:22
  Christie: Because that's a realistic yes.
• 5:25
  Christie: Reminder that there are going to be kids that stumble in certain places or have hold ups get stuck in a, a weird town.
• 5:34
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:34
  Danae: I took the wrong way.
• 5:37
  Ellen: I just follow the semis and then my husband will wake up and he'll go, where are we?
• 5:43
  Ellen: I think we're, I think we're in, in like North Dakota right now, and I know we were heading to Nevada.
• 5:50
  Christie: I have done that.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: That's a really good story on these days.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: Well, but I'd like it, this concept of the birthday box mm-hmm okay.
• 5:59
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm and that it's creating and using milestones to achieve certain purposes.
• 6:06
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm for example, I like the idea, let's say of being able to ride your bike a certain distance in the neighborhood.
• 6:13
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 6:13
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm and instead of just letting it happen and you just, oh, are we in Tennessee?
• 6:19
  Cheryl (2): Oh, I didn't realize that.
• 6:20
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 6:20
  Cheryl (2): That we say, when we get to Tennessee, mm-hmm this will be the milestone.
• 6:25
  Cheryl (2): And, and then we link it all.
• 6:28
  Cheryl (2): You know, if it's age related.
• 6:30
  Cheryl (2): That concept.
• 6:31
  Cheryl (2): Right?
• 6:32
  Christie: Mm-hmm and, and the thinking ahead.
• 6:34
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:35
  Christie: Is key.
• 6:35
  Christie: Oh, I loved when he said that, where there's silence that kids start to thinking they can interject their own ideas, of course hurting for master manipulating girls.
• 6:44
  Christie: Oh, I mean, it's just very easy for them to come to the table with their own ideas that, well, mom, I think I'm old enough too.
• 6:51
  Christie: Mm-hmm but if you've predecided and thought it out ahead of time, because your
• 6:55
  Ellen: silence means you didn't say no,
• 6:57
  Christie: right.
• 6:58
  Christie: I can get my leg in the door.
• 7:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:00
  Danae: And.
• 7:01
  Danae: Can spend a lot of energy wearing us down.
• 7:04
  Danae: Yes.
• 7:04
  Danae: Mm-hmm
• 7:04
  Cheryl: it
• 7:06
  Danae: makes me think of the different ways that I reacted when my children started driving, you know, my first born, I mean, it was text me every stop sign, so I know you're and by the last one I'm like, okay, see,
• 7:22
  Cheryl: well, one of the benefits I really saw in this was for the older child.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Because mm-hmm even in a family, like Kelly only had two, but as a family grows, the older children get so much responsibility just by the fact that they can carry a diaper to you, right?
• 7:41
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: When they're two years old and you have a newborn mm-hmm so.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: The tendency for me absolutely was more and more and more responsibility on the older ones.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I would forget to link it to a privilege.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: One of the places we sort of did it correctly sometimes was with, uh, bed times.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: I really like the wisdom of this.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: Just the protection of the older one taking on more responsibility that I would be intentionally linking privileges and freedoms, and then not having the younger ones put the pressure on, oh, can I stay up to 9 32, right.
• 8:23
  Cheryl: No, I'm sorry.
• 8:24
  Cheryl: That's not in your birthday box.
• 8:25
  Christie: No, that reminds
• 8:26
  Ellen: me of the story.
• 8:27
  Ellen: My oldest son and my youngest daughter, there's 12 years age difference amongst our five kids.
• 8:32
  Ellen: So it's 12 years from him.
• 8:34
  Ellen: Uh, to the youngest daughter.
• 8:36
  Ellen: And one time she was probably nine or 10.
• 8:38
  Ellen: She was eating ice cream.
• 8:39
  Ellen: And my son came in and said, when I was your age, I would've had to share that ice cream with three other people.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: exactly.
• 8:47
  Christie: True.
• 8:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:47
  Christie: The nature part murder.
• 8:49
  Christie: That's
• 8:49
  Danae: right.
• 8:50
  Danae: You know what another issue that, Ugh, I don't know.
• 8:53
  Danae: I'm regretting now thinking back, I try not to do that, but you know what?
• 8:56
  Danae: I also did thinking of the riding, the bikes in the neighborhood, Uhhuh is it okay?
• 9:02
  Danae: And I'm just gonna pick an age, you know, my nine year old is able to, to do the cul-de-sac by herself.
• 9:08
  Danae: Mm-hmm well, as soon as her, you know, sibling.
• 9:11
  Danae: Seven could ride their bike.
• 9:14
  Danae: I now gave the nine year old the responsibility oh.
• 9:18
  Danae: Of watching the seven year old.
• 9:20
  Danae: So it's kind of a double whammy it.
• 9:22
  Danae: Sure.
• 9:22
  Danae: What do you all think about that?
• 9:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 9:24
  Christie: mm-hmm but but adding a, a responsibility to that nine year old, that the seven year old wouldn't have.
• 9:30
  Danae: Wow.
• 9:30
  Danae: You know, so that younger one would get the privilege
• 9:34
  Cheryl: is tricky.
• 9:35
  Cheryl: Isn't it?
• 9:35
  Ellen: Yeah Cuz that's always hard cuz I knew I was a first board and there's nothing worse when your little sister got to do what you're doing always, you know, and I'm like, say that's not fair.
• 9:46
  Ellen: Mm-hmm I worked really hard to do this and now she just gets to do it cuz she's so a little sister.
• 9:50
  Ellen: Right, right.
• 9:51
  Ellen: So I always tried with my kids to be very fair about who got what and when they got it for that reason.
• 9:57
  Christie: What do guys think about birthday boxes?
• 9:59
  Christie: Having potential privileges and potential responsibilities that we assess at that time?
• 10:07
  Christie: Mm-hmm in the course of that year.
• 10:08
  Ellen: I
• 10:08
  Christie: think that's where each individual child has their own individual story Mm-hmm yeah.
• 10:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:13
  Christie: And even verbalizing that to your kids when that pushback comes
• 10:16
  Danae: Well, and honestly, we're talking a lot right now about the oldest child and.
• 10:22
  Danae: If I would've had this framework this way to think about the map.
• 10:27
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:27
  Danae: Then it, it would've made me.
• 10:31
  Danae: Think about it and then go to my daughter and say, what do you think mm-hmm You know, because I was heaping on this responsibility so I had five children and she, you know, took care of the little ones.
• 10:45
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:46
  Danae: The two smallers and the, the two in the middle got to play and go to the Creek and all the things where she was, she would even volunteer.
• 10:54
  Danae: But I look at that now.
• 10:56
  Danae: I think she was getting her identity and being a helper.
• 11:00
  Danae: And she, there was something in her that was not allowing her to let herself be a child.
• 11:06
  Danae: Yes mm-hmm I think that birthday boxes would've made me pause and talk with her about it, because that is one thing I would've changed in my parenting with her.
• 11:16
  Danae: I'm sorry, first born.
• 11:18
  Danae: No, I don't want you to take care of the little ones.
• 11:21
  Danae: I'm gonna get a babysitter or they're coming with me.
• 11:24
  Danae: Mm-hmm and what friend would you like to come over?
• 11:26
  Danae: Because I've seen in her adult life, she tends to not allow herself.
• 11:32
  Danae: Yeah.
• 11:32
  Danae: To have fun and be a young adult.
• 11:34
  Danae: She thinks she has to be so responsible.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but I love the idea of the conversation.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Yeah, because that's what I like about this.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: It takes the issue.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: off the table and develops the conversation.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:44
  Cheryl: and we're talking about the older one.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: I would love to go to them and say, okay, you are being responsible.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: What are some privileges?
• 11:54
  Cheryl: Love that, what are some privileges that you could see that you would like to have love that?
• 11:59
  Cheryl: And so we're having this fabulous conversation, positive conversation.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm, linking forever with them, with responsibility comes privileges.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: And so since this one's being responsible or by definition, your older one just has to take responsibility and you are bringing them into the conversation.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm wow.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: That would reframe.
• 12:22
  Cheryl: The whole culture, because we
• 12:24
  Christie: all think of
• 12:24
  Ellen: privileges differently.
• 12:26
  Ellen: Mm-hmm you know, the extrovert thinks of a privilege differently than the introvert does.
• 12:30
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:31
  Ellen: Sure.
• 12:31
  Ellen: And so you might be giving your extrovert this privilege and they're like, oh, you know Yeah.
• 12:36
  Christie: And I love that because it, it brings you to a place of equipping your child.
• 12:41
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:42
  Christie: For adulthood rather than.
• 12:44
  Christie: oh, I'm not allowed to, my parents won't let me yet.
• 12:48
  Christie: Or, or at all, or, you know, just all of that negative talk it's my parents are, are loving me towards adulthood.
• 12:54
  Christie: Mm-hmm I
• 12:55
  Danae: love that you pointed that out, Ellen, because I said this daughter, maybe invite a friend over and she may have said, mom, can I just have like two
• 13:03
  Cheryl: hours by myself?
• 13:05
  Danae: you you Mentioned that about the youngest.
• 13:06
  Danae: Is there anything else about the youngest we talked about the oldest?
• 13:10
  Christie: Okay.
• 13:10
  Christie: Speaking of the youngest, I've been thinking a lot about the youngest while we've been talking about the oldest mm-hmm because I've just got one left at home.
• 13:17
  Christie: That's 16 and I'm seeing a lot of.
• 13:21
  Christie: Um, the downfalls of being the last one left in the nest and she, you know, gets a lot more privileges.
• 13:28
  Christie: I've been thinking birthday boxes also safeguards against.
• 13:32
  Christie: Overindulging the youngest child, because my house is empty right now.
• 13:36
  Christie: And my youngest has her own room and yeah.
• 13:38
  Christie: Gets a lot of, you know, eats out more and lots of privileges.
• 13:41
  Christie: So some of those things you can remind yourself to attach that responsibility at certain increments for your youngest So I'm, I'm wondering how that conversation would be flipped to ask her what responsibilities might be, that she would be contributing to the home or the family.
• 13:58
  Christie: Now that there's only one left at home because mm-hmm she just doesn't have to do as much as what my oldest did.
• 14:04
  Christie: And I'm wondering what would be.
• 14:07
  Christie: Um, ways to implement the same or to develop the same things in her that I saw developed in my older kids.
• 14:14
  Christie: Mm-hmm because they were part of a larger family.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: I also see with the baby mm-hmm that it takes a lot of intentionality.
• 14:21
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm um, the work of a family being together, for olders the responsibility is there, but With the youngers removing the milestone aspect of it and the intentionality.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: I.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Think they're missing out.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: Because we move the intentionality of the milestones.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm right.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: And we don't keep with it.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: We just sort of live life and it gets a Littley.
• 14:43
  Christie: Well, some of our excitement fades, you know, the first one we're excited for the, the car and the job and the maybe more fearful too.
• 14:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 14:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 14:51
  Christie: But you know, all of her siblings drive, all of her siblings have phones, all of her SI you know, it's just not a big deal anymore because it's become the culture of our home.
• 14:59
  Christie: So it's like the reverse.
• 15:01
  Christie: Of that intentionality with the youngest versus the oldest.
• 15:04
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:05
  Ellen: And I think though, sometimes with the youngest, we always just tend to think of'em while they're the baby, but sometimes because they're constantly looking up, they wanna rise up and get those responsibilities.
• 15:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm so they can feel more like their older siblings mm-hmm you know, cause I can remember my youngest going, oh, I can't do.
• 15:23
  Ellen: I said, yes.
• 15:24
  Ellen: That's because you're six and your brother's 12.
• 15:26
  Ellen: Of course he can draw better than you or write better than you mm-hmm.
• 15:30
  Ellen: And so now with when the kids are older, then the youngest one can go, oh, I see that they got to drive at this age.
• 15:38
  Ellen: I wanna work towards driving at this age or getting these privileges at this age.
• 15:43
  Ellen: What about the
• 15:44
  Christie: child who.
• 15:45
  Christie: well, I don't need to learn to drive.
• 15:47
  Christie: They all drive, or I don't need to do such and such because it can be done for me.
• 15:52
  Christie: You know, it can be the opposite too,
• 15:55
  Ellen: where, and that's becoming a really big cultural shift.
• 15:58
  Ellen: Mm-hmm mm-hmm, from probably everyone in this room because we all were counting down the days to get driver's license.
• 16:06
  Ellen: I know my children were, and yet some of.
• 16:10
  Ellen: Other extended family, grandchildren, whatever.
• 16:12
  Ellen: Aren't quite as excited about getting a driver's license.
• 16:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:15
  Christie: So do you think there's times to just require a child to step into the area?
• 16:19
  Christie: Yeah,
• 16:20
  Danae: I was just thinking about that.
• 16:22
  Danae: Cause we've talked a lot about the privileges is that.
• 16:26
  Danae: if you have a child or children that aren't that motivated by those things, we, we are still expecting them to step and take responsibilities.
• 16:35
  Danae: Right?
• 16:35
  Danae: Sure.
• 16:36
  Cheryl: If mm-hmm you don't have to take their privileges, but you are gonna have the responsibilities.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: And so you are going to have to clean, you are going to have do that.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: The younger ones have responsibilities in the kitchen or in the yard mm-hmm or to do certain things Our responsibility as parents is to help our children grow in the ability to take on responsibility.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: so when we talk about the benefits for olders and youngers, I think there may be a little bit.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: The opposite for one another.
• 17:04
  Cheryl: So with the older ones, we link the privilege because a lot of them already have all the responsibilities.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah, that's true.
• 17:11
  Cheryl: And the youngers it's really kind of vice versa.
• 17:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: Here are your incremental, intentional responsibilities.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because you've been kind of getting the privileges all along, Yeah.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to wait for that privilege, right?
• 17:25
  Ellen: Yes.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: And to stay intentional with that, even though it looks different than what it did, two or three siblings
• 17:31
  Christie: ago, or like Ellen was saying.
• 17:33
  Christie: By personality.
• 17:34
  Christie: Mm-hmm extroverts might see something as a responsibility.
• 17:38
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:38
  Christie: Where an introvert might see it as a privilege.
• 17:40
  Christie: Yes
• 17:41
  Cheryl: well, this is why I think the birthday box is a gift to us as moms.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: How I would've used it.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: Because when they approach it, mom, I wanna ride my bike.
• 17:49
  Cheryl: I wanna do this.
• 17:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Let us think about this and, and think it through and put a pause.
• 17:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm instead of the pressure of the moment, always making a decision mm-hmm because then you've said a precedent, right?
• 18:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm well, you let me do it before.
• 18:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:05
  Cheryl: I like the idea of saying, wow.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: I will consider that.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: And if we had it culturally in our family, that reality for our family is I've heard you, let me go and think about it.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I
• 18:18
  Christie: think another good thing that that does is that you're never having to say no, with birthday box, you're just.
• 18:24
  Christie: Saying not yet.
• 18:25
  Christie: Right.
• 18:25
  Christie: And that works even in adulthood, you know, delayed gratification.
• 18:29
  Christie: You're, you're training that into them really young.
• 18:31
  Christie: And
• 18:31
  Cheryl: Well, I was
• 18:32
  Danae: just thinking about how we've talked about this, but this is where you really could use, uh, child development, a child development book.
• 18:39
  Danae: Yeah, because you're able to look at it eight.
• 18:43
  Danae: Versus 15 with babysitting, you know, because that's
• 18:46
  Ellen: always a big issue is if you, especially, if you have a couple children that are just maybe a year or two apart, because the maturity difference
• 18:55
  Cheryl: Right
• 18:56
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm what are some other ideas of age related birthday box?
• 19:00
  Ellen: Okay.
• 19:01
  Ellen: Well I know, um, when my kids reached around, especially we moved so much, but depending on the neighborhood we lived in, when they were around 11, we would let them, especially here in Oklahoma, we would let them walk to the park.
• 19:14
  Ellen: it's not really a party.
• 19:15
  Ellen: It's a little playground that belongs to our audition.
• 19:17
  Ellen: By themselves or with us, another sibling go together.
• 19:21
  Ellen: That, that was, that was the privilege and the responsibility
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Uhhuh.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: Good.
• 19:27
  Cheryl: They're linked
• 19:29
  Cheryl (2): Oh, let's say like for my girls wearing lip gloss, that was a huge deal.
• 19:33
  Cheryl (2): Mm-hmm And so we linked that to an age.
• 19:36
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 19:36
  Cheryl (2): At this age, you can wear lip gloss at this age.
• 19:39
  Cheryl (2): You can start wearing mascara I think being able to stay up later mm-hmm okay.
• 19:43
  Cheryl (2): That was a huge one.
• 19:45
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 19:45
  Cheryl (2): And then, but I would now present it saying, because you're taking on so much more responsibility.
• 19:52
  Cheryl (2): We want to link this privilege because you are getting older to build them up with that.
• 19:57
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: I
• 19:58
  Cheryl (2): just,
• 19:58
  Cheryl: realized I did have one birthday box, but it wasn't well done.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: Because my older brother was given.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: A really big bike, He couldn't ride it And I think he got it, like at six or something like that.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: It was too big for him and then he wasn't responsible when he could write it.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so my dad made a birthday box for me and I couldn't get a bike of my own until I was 12.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: Oh, wow.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: And I tried to explain to him.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: From a child's viewpoint.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: I'm my brother.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: I'm not my brother.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: And don't buy me a bike too big.
• 20:38
  Cheryl (2): Buy me a bike.
• 20:39
  Cheryl (2): That's the right size for me.
• 20:40
  Cheryl (2): And mm-hmm, you know, I didn't know how to have that conversation.
• 20:43
  Cheryl (2): So actually that was a birthday box..
• 20:46
  Cheryl (2): unfortunately not used the right way mm-hmm
• 20:48
  Christie: I think we can learn from that though, like to give ourselves freedom If you've given your, your child a box that maybe you see later was inappropriate or not filled you know, appropriately that it's okay to reassess and reevaluate and change for another child.
• 21:05
  Christie: Mm-hmm yeah, because, where each individual child has their own individual story or.
• 21:10
  Cheryl: Let them have that birthday box, even if you had to take it away from the first one.
• 21:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: You know?
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: well,
• 21:15
  Ellen: also sometimes the responsibility comes first and then you reward them with the privilege
• 21:19
  Danae: Yes.
• 21:20
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:20
  Christie: I'm
• 21:20
  Danae: wondering if the easier place to start, as you know, you're sitting and, and thinking about this and planning this for your family is to start out with responsibilities.
• 21:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm mm-hmm And then match the privileges to those.
• 21:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:35
  Danae: because one child may be more motivated by a different privilege.
• 21:39
  Danae: Like you're saying one is have friends over mm-hmm the other one is, could I just have three hours by myself in my room?
• 21:48
  Danae: You know?
• 21:48
  Danae: So like the responsibility could be the more constant.
• 21:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I think that's was Kelly's intention.
• 21:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: Is that the birthday boxes are intentionally increased responsibility throughout their life.
• 22:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and then sometimes linked with a privilege.
• 22:05
  Christie: Okay.
• 22:06
  Christie: Because we're working towards 100% release.
• 22:09
  Ellen: Yes
• 22:10
  Cheryl: And then life there's more responsibility than there is privilege.
• 22:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: Uh, understanding we're gonna have flat tires and things like that,
• 22:18
  Ellen: because you're
• 22:19
  Danae: seeing that
• 22:20
  Ellen: grow and their character.
• 22:21
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:22
  Ellen: You know, maturity, you know, in my family, by 11, if you wanna play with friends, your room has to be clean.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: The intentionality.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: Giving them that and seeing what they're doing, here's your responsibility
• 22:33
  Ellen: to clean your room before you play with friends.
• 22:36
  Ellen: So
• 22:36
  Cheryl: there's, you're linking it perfectly.
• 22:38
  Danae: Yeah
• 22:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm fantastic.
• 22:40
  Cheryl: And, you know, we always say, oh, TPP is for all ages and all stages.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: Yeah, Okay.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: So I learned from Kelly about the birthday boxes.
• 22:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm So this week when my grands were at my house and one is five getting ready to turn six and the other's just three.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:56
  Cheryl: And so.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Wanting to spend the night cuz we do that and I thought, Hmm, the three year old's not potty train.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: She's just not ready.
• 23:04
  Cheryl: But when they're that close together, little one thinks they get to do right.
• 23:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but think the big one mm-hmm And so we were talking about spend the night and I said, wow, that's in the four year old birthday box.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: Oh good.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: So we started using that and then the old one went I'm already passed that.
• 23:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: You've already opened that that's
• 23:23
  Christie: yours.
• 23:23
  Christie: So we'll grandparents can have their special birthday boxes.
• 23:26
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Oh, this is wonderful, but we're running out of time.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: Thank y'all and listeners.
• 23:33
  Cheryl: If you haven't had a chance go back and listen to Dr.
• 23:36
  Cheryl: Stevens, episode.
• 23:38
  Cheryl: And as we look forward to having him come back, we'd love to hear from you.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so contact us, we would like to know what you would like us.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: Not just this quartet.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but what would you like Dr.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Stevens to talk
• 23:52
  Danae: about?
• 23:52
  Danae: Yeah.
• 23:52
  Danae: And I loved those rapid fire questions.
• 23:54
  Danae: So even if you have just a we'll quick.
• 23:57
  Danae: Yeah, yeah.
• 23:59
  Danae: We'll see if he'll answer it for us.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: and then one of these days I'd like us to have a rapid fire just with us.
• 24:04
  Cheryl: Oh, that me wouldn't that be fun?
• 24:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: So let us hear from you and moms.
• 24:09
  Cheryl: Remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: Because like Dr.
• 24:16
  Cheryl: Stevens said it's worth it.