Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Back-to-School Check List

Transcript

Back-to-School Check List · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. School starts for
0:08
Speaker 1: most students next week. There are a few holdouts who
0:13
Speaker 1: are going to have an extra week of holidays, but
0:14
Speaker 1: for most of us, school's back on the twenty seventh
0:17
Speaker 1: after Australia Day next week. And today in the pod,
0:19
Speaker 1: we're giving you the checklist that you need, not the
0:21
Speaker 1: checklist that most people think they need, because that's all
0:24
Speaker 1: the boring stuff that you're hearing about all the time
0:26
Speaker 1: at this time of year. We're going to give you
0:28
Speaker 1: a little bit of that, but a whole lot of
0:30
Speaker 1: another checklist that is going to change your child's and
0:33
Speaker 1: your world for the year. Stay with us. Hello, Welcome
0:39
Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting
0:41
Speaker 1: solutions every single day. This is Australia's most doubt moaded
0:44
Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We're Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, We're going
0:49
Speaker 1: to talk today about how we can get our kids
0:51
Speaker 1: ready for school. A lot of people are having this conversation.
0:53
Speaker 1: We're going to do it differently and I just want
0:56
Speaker 1: to emphasize at the outset, Holy cow, have we got
0:58
Speaker 1: some experience at this Six kids, four of them have
1:01
Speaker 1: now finished high school. That means that they've done thirteen
1:04
Speaker 1: years to do the maths on that thirteen times four
1:06
Speaker 1: fifty two days fifty two first days. Then we've got
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Speaker 1: the two younger kids who are obviously still going through it.
1:12
Speaker 1: I've calculated I've been doing maths while you've been sitting
1:15
Speaker 1: there counting some coins. I don't even know why we've
1:17
Speaker 1: got coins. Where did they come from? Does anyone use coins? Anyway,
1:20
Speaker 1: let's not get distracted.
1:22
Speaker 2: I think them for the trolley.
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Speaker 1: Of course, we are well into the sixties in terms
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Speaker 1: of sixty sixty four to sixty five first days in
1:32
Speaker 1: school is what we're up to. And because our kids
1:35
Speaker 1: have changed school so many times, with our interstate moves
1:38
Speaker 1: and our big shifts from here, there and everywhere, too
1:42
Speaker 1: many of those, it's actually embarrassing. And I don't want
1:44
Speaker 1: to say it, but I did the maths. Not a
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Speaker 1: single one of our children has done less than four schools,
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Speaker 1: and most of them have done several more than that.
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Speaker 1: So we have done a lot of first days in
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Speaker 1: new environments. Believe me, this conversation is for every family
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Speaker 1: whose kids are going to have a first day next
1:59
Speaker 1: week or the week, and we're excited to share with
2:01
Speaker 1: you what we think matters most when it comes to
2:03
Speaker 1: getting ready for a first day. Only three non negotiables
2:08
Speaker 1: that I've put in here, and then we're going to
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Speaker 1: get into the weird stuff, the things that I think
2:12
Speaker 1: nobody's thinking about that should be on the checklist. Okay,
2:15
Speaker 1: I'm going to start with the basics, like the really
2:16
Speaker 1: basic basics, just because I want to get them out
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Speaker 1: of the way. You've got to buy the basics. You've
2:21
Speaker 1: got to get the supplies. So, oh my.
2:23
Speaker 2: Goodness, I was just at office works yesterday.
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Speaker 1: Chaos the car park.
2:27
Speaker 2: Yes, take a driver, don't park, take.
2:31
Speaker 1: A driver, just get dropped off at the door and
2:33
Speaker 1: send the text one you.
2:34
Speaker 2: I was in there. It was fine, it's the car park.
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Speaker 2: It was a nightmare.
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Speaker 1: So you need the backpack of the lunch box, the
2:39
Speaker 1: water bottle, the sciols, required supplies, list, the pencils, and I'm.
2:42
Speaker 2: Praying for anyone finds any ferries lunchbox fairies. They're the
2:46
Speaker 2: scariest when somebody's forgotten to take their lunchbox out from
2:50
Speaker 2: last year.
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Speaker 1: Oh, I was thinking, what are you talking about? It
2:53
Speaker 1: talking about tails and years again or okay, yeah, like
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Speaker 1: you're going to unpack somebody's December yeah, and find a soundwich.
3:00
Speaker 2: I'm praying for you all.
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Speaker 1: It's so good. There's one more point that I do
3:05
Speaker 1: want to make about this, and that is that unless
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Speaker 1: you're the kind of person who loves this and just
3:09
Speaker 1: wants to go bonkers, your child's success at school isn't
3:14
Speaker 1: defined by or determined by the pencil case of the
3:16
Speaker 1: water bottle that they've got. So don't go crazy with it, like,
3:19
Speaker 1: don't blow the budget, don't bust out the credit card
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Speaker 1: and go nuts. Because Pinterest and Instagram tell you that
3:25
Speaker 1: you have to have a certain penci.
3:26
Speaker 2: Phase, it's almost certain they lose it.
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Speaker 1: Just su That's kind of what I'm experienced to doo
3:31
Speaker 1: many times.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: So, unless this energizes you're, unless you've got the cash
3:34
Speaker 1: to blow, just the basics are going to be fine.
3:36
Speaker 1: The kids will be okay. It's not the most important thing.
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Speaker 1: Get the supplies taken care of. Let's move on to
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Speaker 1: the much more important things on this checklist.
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Speaker 2: My favorite one is the emotional checklist. In our home,
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Speaker 2: we call this PPIs. That's personal progress interviews or personal
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Speaker 2: parenting into you, whatever you want to call it. It
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Speaker 2: can be as formal or as informal as you like.
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Speaker 2: We usually do it on the bed every now and again,
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Speaker 2: we might go for a walk down to the beach
4:00
Speaker 2: and just talk to them side by side. But it's
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Speaker 2: just this beautiful opportunity for you to connect with your
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Speaker 2: child and find out what's going on on an emotional level.
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Speaker 2: What are they looking forward to, what are they excited about?
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Speaker 2: Who were they excited to spend time with at school?
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Speaker 2: But what are they worried about? What are they concerned about?
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Speaker 2: Those things really help us get an inside look into
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Speaker 2: how our child is coping already with the idea of
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Speaker 2: going back to school.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is really about listening and asking just
4:29
Speaker 1: a handful of really good questions. I believe when I
4:33
Speaker 1: look at what the research shows, the quality of your
4:35
Speaker 1: relationship with your child is going to be probably the
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Speaker 1: most important or one of the most important predictors of
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Speaker 1: how well they're going to handle school this year and
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Speaker 1: the challenges off So this conversation, this emotional check in
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Speaker 1: is really important. You don't have to be a therapist.
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Speaker 1: You're just investigating, asking a couple of questions and offering
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Speaker 1: your support and tying in with that. The third and
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Speaker 1: final thing on the non negotiables is what I've called
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Speaker 1: the who's got your back checklist, And it's really simple.
5:03
Speaker 1: Just have a chat with the child and make sure
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Speaker 1: that they know who they can go to if something
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Speaker 1: goes wrong. Do they know the name of the teacher,
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Speaker 1: Do they know the school counselor they've got a trusted friend.
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Speaker 1: Do they know how to get hold of you if
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Speaker 1: they need to? Just have a simple conversation where you say, hey,
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Speaker 1: if you feel scared, if you feel lost, if you
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Speaker 1: feel sick, if you feel unsafe, here's what you need
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Speaker 1: to do. Basic stuff, and it really just gives them
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Speaker 1: the reassurance that you're there for them. It makes a difference.
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Speaker 2: One of the things that we've done multiple occasions with
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Speaker 2: our children first days is just taking a walk around
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Speaker 2: the school, showing them where their classroom is, where they'd
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Speaker 2: put their bag, all of those kinds of things before
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Speaker 2: the influx of school.
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Speaker 1: I want to add two things not to worry about.
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Speaker 1: The first is don't worry about the sleep situation. I've
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Speaker 1: read so many blogs, so many Instagram posts, so many whatevers,
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Speaker 1: everyone saying, oh, you've got to get kids back into
5:49
Speaker 1: a sleeproutee. I mean, good for you if you can,
5:51
Speaker 1: and if you want to. I feel differently. Let the
5:53
Speaker 1: kids enjoy the last few.
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Speaker 2: Days, I was about to say, and holidays go so quickly.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, they're going to sort out their slip routine within
5:59
Speaker 1: it within a couple of days of being at school,
6:01
Speaker 1: Like it will sort itself out.
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Speaker 2: When I think it. Just the recognition right expectations are
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Speaker 2: the most the biggest predictor to our enjoyment of life,
6:10
Speaker 2: the quality of our the quality of our experience. And
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Speaker 2: if we just recognize that those that first week, there's
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Speaker 2: a transition period.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's going to be heavy no matter what.
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Speaker 2: It's going to get messy, but it's okay because it's
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Speaker 2: going to get better from there.
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Speaker 1: I've also had a bunch of people say, how do
6:24
Speaker 1: I get my morning routine right? I need to do
6:26
Speaker 1: a rehearsal. I need to make it stop. It just
6:29
Speaker 1: you don't need to rehearse the morning routine. Remember that
6:33
Speaker 1: your morning begins the night before. Get things organized on
6:35
Speaker 1: the night before school starts. You wake up half an
6:38
Speaker 1: hour early the morning of school. The kids are going
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Speaker 1: to be fine. If they're excited for school, it's going
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Speaker 1: to be easy. If they're not excited for school, that
6:45
Speaker 1: extra margin will make a difference. You don't have to
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Speaker 1: rehearse it, you don't have to make a big deal
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Speaker 1: about it. We overthink parenting. This is one area that
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Speaker 1: we absolutely do too much.
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Speaker 2: But this is where family meetings come in and are
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Speaker 2: really really helpful.
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Speaker 1: Just do the work through the week and.
7:01
Speaker 2: You sit down on the weekend and you utilize your kids'
7:03
Speaker 2: minds as well. Ask them what's going well, what went
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Speaker 2: really well this week, what didn't go well, and what
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Speaker 2: are we going to focus on to make next week better.
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Speaker 2: It's just it's a family conversation and it makes such
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Speaker 2: a difference when we're all involved.
7:15
Speaker 1: Okay, I've said a new Year's resolution that we're going
7:17
Speaker 1: to keep our podcast short.
7:19
Speaker 2: Stop talking.
7:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, we've gone over time for the first half. So
7:23
Speaker 1: after the break, we're going to talk about the checklist
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Speaker 1: that we love and I can't wait to share it
7:28
Speaker 1: with you because the stuff we've talked about matters, But
7:31
Speaker 1: the stuff after the break is the most important back
7:34
Speaker 1: to school checklist you'll ever hear. Stay with us, We're back.
7:46
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. Four things on this checklist
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Speaker 1: that are going to be a game change, and not
7:52
Speaker 1: just in week one, although, oh my goodness, to make
7:54
Speaker 1: a difference in week one, but throughout your entire twenty
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Speaker 1: twenty six school year. This is the checklist that you
8:02
Speaker 1: really need, and it starts with this. It's the how
8:04
Speaker 1: can I help conversation. So in the week before school,
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Speaker 1: you and I over the last number of years, have
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Speaker 1: sat down with each of the children and simply said,
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Speaker 1: what do you want this year to be? Not what
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Speaker 1: grades do you want, but what do you want this
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Speaker 1: year to look like? What's important to you? Where do
8:21
Speaker 1: you want your focus to be? And then we've simply said,
8:24
Speaker 1: how can I help? How can I support? And when
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Speaker 1: the kids hear that, when they are the masters of
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Speaker 1: their destiny, when they are defining success on their terms,
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Speaker 1: not ours, and they know that we've committed to support
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Speaker 1: them in the things that matter to them, they're just amazing.
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Speaker 1: I'm always astounded at how good they are. So that's
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Speaker 1: the first checklist item.
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Speaker 2: The next one is the daily check in questions. So
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Speaker 2: we generally talk about gratitude things around the table, but
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Speaker 2: there are a number of other questions you could choose
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Speaker 2: to ask to get it a great insight into where
9:01
Speaker 2: your child's at.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know how the kids come home and you
9:04
Speaker 1: say how its school and they say, fine, where'd you
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Speaker 1: do nothing? This is the game changer. So the daily
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Speaker 1: checking questions include things like, and you could do this
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Speaker 1: at dinner, you could do it at bedtime. Just pick one,
9:13
Speaker 1: rotate through and make up your own. You don't have
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Speaker 1: to just do these three or four that we've jott
9:17
Speaker 1: down here. What did you do today that was really hard? Like?
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Speaker 1: How did you show that you're resilient? Right? That's a
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Speaker 1: really powerful question that teaches kids that they can do
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Speaker 1: hard things because now they're on the lookout for them
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Speaker 1: and we can celebrate their strength, their fortitude, their capacity
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Speaker 1: to push through hard stuff. What did you do today
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Speaker 1: that was kind? Who'd you help? Like when we say
9:38
Speaker 1: that we want kids to be respectful and kind and
9:40
Speaker 1: to make the world a better place, you asked that question,
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Speaker 1: and so who was kind to you today? And how right?
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Speaker 1: And so we're showing them that the people are good.
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Speaker 1: What made you laugh today? Is always fun? And who'd
9:54
Speaker 1: you play with? I just think these daily checking questions
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Speaker 1: they give you gene when opportunities to build the relationship
10:03
Speaker 1: and understand what's going on at school, rather than just
10:05
Speaker 1: saying how'd school go?
10:07
Speaker 2: The friendship audit? This is actually, this is really important,
10:10
Speaker 2: especially for children who are starting at a new school
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Speaker 2: or are studying, you know, understanding who they're spending time with,
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Speaker 2: because from there you're empowered as a parent to know
10:20
Speaker 2: how best to support them socially.
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Speaker 1: So there's something that we're really emphasizing a lot with
10:26
Speaker 1: a couple of our kids who are still well. One
10:27
Speaker 1: of them's homeschooled, and we're really pushing this hard because
10:29
Speaker 1: of the homeschooling situation. But even now you're eleven, daughter,
10:32
Speaker 1: we're still having these conversations. So I've got a formula
10:36
Speaker 1: here that works, or a pattern or a process. Number One,
10:39
Speaker 1: You've got to ask your child who they're spending time
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Speaker 1: with that school, know their names, know where they fit
10:43
Speaker 1: in the social group. Number two, keep a record of
10:47
Speaker 1: the three, four or five names that get mentioned the most.
10:50
Speaker 1: And then if you can get some parent contact info. Now,
10:55
Speaker 1: this can be tricky. Sometimes some parents can be evasive,
10:57
Speaker 1: but usually parents do have a willingness to talk to
11:01
Speaker 1: their children's friends' parents.
11:03
Speaker 2: The younger child is the easier, it is, Yeah, way easier.
11:06
Speaker 1: And then to the degree that you can, again especially
11:09
Speaker 1: with younger children, set up a face to face playdate
11:13
Speaker 1: or hang out or visit at the park or something
11:16
Speaker 1: along those lines. And then if you can commit to
11:18
Speaker 1: regular unstructured friend time, not just organized activities, but unstructured
11:22
Speaker 1: time because you're building social skills. It just makes such
11:25
Speaker 1: a difference when the kids go to school and they've
11:28
Speaker 1: had that out of school contact and Kylie, there's just
11:31
Speaker 1: one more lucky last.
11:34
Speaker 2: It's the activity opt out audit. I think this is
11:37
Speaker 2: really important. Sometimes as parents, we get so excited about
11:40
Speaker 2: all the things we want our children to do as
11:42
Speaker 2: far as extra curricula goes, and we push them into
11:45
Speaker 2: these activities, thinking that they're going to grow to love it.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, they better because I loved it when.
11:51
Speaker 2: I was a kid, or I never got to do
11:53
Speaker 2: it and I so wanted to. And so what we
11:57
Speaker 2: have strived to do with each of our kids is
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Speaker 2: number one, give autonomy around the choices that they make
12:02
Speaker 2: in what extracurricular activities they do.
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Speaker 1: I want to pick up on that before you go on.
12:09
Speaker 1: There are a lot of people who say, yeah, but
12:11
Speaker 1: the kids just don't want to put it in any efforts.
12:12
Speaker 1: So they'll say, no, I don't want to do it,
12:13
Speaker 1: no matter what it is. I don't want to do swimming,
12:16
Speaker 1: or I want to do piano, or I don't want
12:17
Speaker 1: to do I don't know what footy or whatever. And
12:20
Speaker 1: my response to that is, they don't have to do it, like,
12:22
Speaker 1: as long as they're not sitting at home on a screen.
12:25
Speaker 1: I know plenty of really functional adults who can't play
12:28
Speaker 1: the piano, and I know plenty of really functional adults
12:30
Speaker 1: that have never played competitive soccer. Right, So we have
12:34
Speaker 1: this thing in our head the kids have got to
12:35
Speaker 1: be doing these structured activities after school because it's really
12:38
Speaker 1: important for their well being and their extracurricular capacity and
12:41
Speaker 1: their development and all that sort of stuff. And we
12:44
Speaker 1: are right, generally speaking, but if it's a fight to
12:47
Speaker 1: get them out the door, I just don't think it's
12:49
Speaker 1: worth it. So, yes, it's an important conversation to have,
12:53
Speaker 1: but no, it shouldn't be compulsory.
12:55
Speaker 2: So one of the questions that would be great to
12:57
Speaker 2: ask your children if they're involved in extra curricular activities
13:01
Speaker 2: is if we weren't doing this already, would you choose
13:04
Speaker 2: to do it?
13:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, that's right. If we already didn't have two
13:07
Speaker 1: years under our belt, would you choose to start doing
13:09
Speaker 1: it today?
13:11
Speaker 2: I think sometimes as parents we get caught up in
13:13
Speaker 2: this idea. I've invested so much already, I've spent so
13:16
Speaker 2: much money, I've brought uniforms, I've you know, time.
13:19
Speaker 1: You've got to make the right team. You've got to
13:21
Speaker 1: get to grade five on the instrument. Like, Yeah, it's
13:24
Speaker 1: like the sunk cost matters so much, and.
13:26
Speaker 2: It feels like it almost feels like a failure when
13:29
Speaker 2: our kids decide that they don't want to be a
13:31
Speaker 2: part of something that we've invested into so much. And
13:35
Speaker 2: I think, too, there's an idea that we've wasted that time.
13:39
Speaker 2: But honestly believe you've never wasted time by giving your
13:43
Speaker 2: children opportunities to explore things.
13:45
Speaker 1: So, if you weren't already doing it, would you choose
13:47
Speaker 1: to start it today? If the answer is no, consider
13:50
Speaker 1: letting it go, Consider quitting it.
13:52
Speaker 2: And then the next question would be, well, what lights
13:53
Speaker 2: you are what would you like to do?
13:55
Speaker 1: Yeah? Which ones feel like obligations and which ones feel
13:58
Speaker 1: like a treat?
13:59
Speaker 2: Yeah?
13:59
Speaker 1: And then let your kids know they have permission. If
14:03
Speaker 1: you don't feel that this serves you anymore, then you
14:05
Speaker 1: are allowed to quit. So they are our four checklist
14:10
Speaker 1: items that we think every family needs as we head
14:12
Speaker 1: back to school. We really hope that it's helpful. Hopefully
14:14
Speaker 1: it's simple, Hopefully it's doable, Hopefully it's game changing. Tomorrow
14:19
Speaker 1: on the pod, I'll do about it tomorrow We're going
14:20
Speaker 1: to review our holidays. Oh my goodness, so much to
14:23
Speaker 1: tell you about. This is our show and tell date.
14:25
Speaker 1: That's tomorrow on the pod. The Happy Families podcast is
14:28
Speaker 1: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammond's provides research,
14:31
Speaker 1: admin and additional support and if you'd like more info
14:34
Speaker 1: to make you family happier, you'll find it at happy
14:36
Speaker 1: families dot com dot au