Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 187: The Fear of Disappointing Others: Healing The Need to be Liked

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187: The Fear of Disappointing Others: Healing The Need to be Liked · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help recovering people pleasers learn how to take up space free of a fear of rejection.
• 0:28
  And today we're going to be talking about something that almost every single empath and people pleaser that I have met really struggles with.
• 0:34
  And that's the fear around disappointing other people.
• 0:38
  Which in their mind ultimately leads to a fear of abandonment that they might be left if somebody gets disappointed.
• 0:43
  Now, noticing how a fear might be showing up for you is key when it comes to healing this part of self.
• 0:49
  For example, maybe it's showing up for you as a knot in your stomach when you tell somebody no, maybe it's mentally replaying in your mind that time that you actually stated a boundary wondering, ah, was I too harsh?
• 0:59
  Am I gonna push them away?
• 1:00
  Maybe it's that strong instinct to attempt to smooth things over whenever somebody's upset, even if you're not the one who caused or created the tension in the first place.
• 1:09
  Now, if that sounds way too familiar for you, then this episode is for you.
• 1:13
  So let me share a few stories to help to illustrate this a little bit further.
• 1:17
  First let's talk about Sarah, the overcommitted friend.
• 1:20
  Now, we all know Sarah.
• 1:21
  Sarah's that go-to friend that everybody can rely on.
• 1:24
  So she says yes to any favor or request.
• 1:27
  So this means babysitting, meal trains, emotional support calls.
• 1:30
  Sarah does it all, and she does it all, even when she's completely exhausted.
• 1:34
  So when a friend is asking her for childcare on a weekend when she's already promised herself that, okay, that's the weekend that I'm finally gonna take care of me.
• 1:43
  I'm finally going to get some rest.
• 1:45
  Then she sits with it and she thinks, you know, I don't wanna be selfish.
• 1:49
  I don't want them to think badly of me.
• 1:51
  If I tell them no, I don't wanna risk upsetting them or disappointing them.
• 1:55
  So she finds herself saying yes, even when she wants to say no.
• 1:59
  Now Sarah is somebody who really deeply values kindness and integrity, but when she's trying not to let other people down, she's actually betraying her own self.
• 2:07
  She's betraying her own needs.
• 2:09
  She's betraying her own need for rest and restoring balance, and that's the very thing that she needs in order to make her level of loving and serving more sustainable for her.
• 2:18
  So her saying yes when she wants to say no, it's really coming from that fear of disappointing others.
• 2:24
  It's not coming from that place of authentic generosity.
• 2:27
  Sarah's saying yes to avoid disappointing other people, is not only devaluing her own personal needs, but it's also introducing something much more harmful to a relationship than disappointment.
• 2:38
  And that's resentment.
• 2:41
  All right.
• 2:41
  Now let's talk about Ben, the silent partner.
• 2:43
  Now, Ben is in a relationship where all of the big decisions, this means, the finances, the vacations, everything is determined by his partner, and he often finds that he's biting his own tongue in an effort to keep the peace in relationship.
• 2:57
  He's telling himself, okay, well it's just not worth it to start another fight.
• 3:01
  But inside, then that resentment is starting to grow.
• 3:05
  but rather than actually giving voice to resentment and actually giving voice to what it is that he would like to see when it comes to where it is that they vacation, for example, or where it is that they're going to be spending their money, then instead, his fear is really keeping him silent.
• 3:19
  He is scared that if he voices his need for collaboration in relationship, then it might create conflict.
• 3:26
  He might be viewed as being the difficult partner.
• 3:30
  So while Ben really values honesty, collaboration, and mutual respect, his silence is creating emotional distance and self erasure in relationship.
• 3:40
  The relationship really looks peaceful on the surface, but it's not a relationship that's built on truth and authenticity.
• 3:46
  In fact, his silence is actually conveying the message to his partner that, yep,"having you make all the decisions is not only okay with me, but it's preferable.
• 3:54
  So you just keep doing that.
• 3:55
  That's fine by me." Avoiding conflict to keep other people comfortable.
• 3:59
  It often creates disconnection, and this is a disconnect not only from other people where we're not actually in a relationship with each other's true and authentic selves, but it's also creating disconnect with self because we aren't valuing ourself enough to actually give voice to what it is that we need in relationship.
• 4:16
  Now let's talk about Maya.
• 4:18
  Maya works in a helping profession and her boss often asks her to stay late and to take on extra tasks.
• 4:23
  And he does this because she's just so reliable.
• 4:27
  Now, Maya really does want to be seen as capable and dependable, but lately it's really felt like she's been taking on the lion's share of the work.
• 4:33
  She's being asked to do all of the things and to do very specific things, and so not only is this creating burnout for her, but she's also noticed that the more she does these extra tasks, the more it's creating a larger gap between her capability and her coworker's capability, simply because they haven't had an opportunity to actually do those things, because it's always being delegated to her.
• 4:54
  So she's feeling very burned out.
• 4:56
  She's having a hard time saying no.
• 4:57
  And honestly, it's.
• 4:58
  Making her wonder about her profession.
• 5:00
  She's actually tempted to leave a profession that she loves rather than actually give voice to the fact that, boy, I'm almost feeling punished for being capable because everything is coming to me and I'm now being overburdened by this workload.
• 5:13
  She doesn't wanna be seen as being difficult at work, and because she doesn't wanna be seen as being difficult, she's honoring other people's expectations of her, but she's not honoring her own energy levels.
• 5:24
  When a fear of letting other people down is starting to dictate your choices, you actually end up letting yourself down.
• 5:31
  Sometimes disappointing other people is the very thing that actually makes it so that you can stop disappointing yourself.
• 5:39
  Now I want you to know that a fear of disappointing other people, it's not a character flaw, but it's actually a survival strategy.
• 5:46
  For many people being liked was what was created personal safety for them.
• 5:50
  So maybe while growing up, then gaining other people's approval, that meant, okay, I can finally have peace rather than tension in the home.
• 5:57
  Maybe you were in a relationship where love felt really conditional for you, like something that you had to earn through compliance, through helpfulness, or just being really easy to get along with, right?
• 6:07
  You're just.
• 6:08
  Super accommodating of other people, and over time, then your nervous system has actually learned, okay, well if they are happy, then I will be safe.
• 6:17
  It's equated external peace with personal safety.
• 6:21
  But as an adult, then that kind of wiring it can actually keep you trapped in cycles of self abandonment, where you find that you're constantly scanning the room for signs of disapproval from other people, so if you find yourself as you're listening, thinking, oh, I just hate letting people down, or I can't stand it when somebody's upset with me, then please know that this is just your nervous system trying to protect you.
• 6:41
  So let's talk for a minute about what this can look like in your day-to-day life.
• 6:45
  Maybe you find that you're agreeing to plans or agreeing to do things that you don't actually wanna do and that you don't actually have the capacity for right now.
• 6:54
  So this might be a social gathering or it might be volunteering for things out of a sense of duty and obligation rather than a true desire to help.
• 7:02
  Maybe you find that you're overexplaining your boundaries in an effort to prove that you're still a nice person.
• 7:06
  I get it.
• 7:07
  This used to totally be me.
• 7:08
  It takes a lot of practice to lean into the discomfort of stating a boundary and trusting that, okay, this doesn't mean that I'm a bad persin if I state this boundary.
• 7:18
  I was recently coaching somebody who was trying to state a boundary in a dating relationship, and it was very interesting as she took me the text, you know, she wanted to state her boundary in text so she could be really clear with her words, and, really choose them wisely.
• 7:31
  She put a lot of time and effort into this text and honestly reading the text.
• 7:35
  It sounded just fine.
• 7:37
  She was kind and she was clear without being accusatory or defensive.
• 7:40
  She just said, Hey, this thing, it's not gonna work for me anymore.
• 7:44
  And because he had a negative reaction to that, she started to question herself and, and to over explain her boundary in an effort to prove that she was valid and that she was okay.
• 7:54
  But her boundary stating was not the problem.
• 7:56
  As I said, she was kind and clear without being defensive and accusatory.
• 8:00
  It was really not her boundary that was the problem, but his reaction that was the problem, and that's something I see quite often is the overexplaining when somebody else has a reaction in an effort to make them feel okay about what it is that you are experiencing.
• 8:13
  But remember, you're giving voice to that boundary because something was already not okay with you, and it's okay to give voice to that.
• 8:20
  Maybe you find yourself saying, sorry for things that you don't actually need to apologize for, just to ease the tension.
• 8:26
  Or maybe you recognize that even in co-created problems, then you are the only one taking accountability and you're really struggling to ask the other person to take accountability for their actions because you don't wanna rock the boat.
• 8:39
  Sound familiar, or maybe find that you're carrying the responsibility of another person's emotions.
• 8:44
  And mostly it's taking responsibility for other people's negative emotions, right?
• 8:48
  Probably you also bring them a lot of joy and you don't necessarily take credit for that, but if they're experiencing a negative emotion, then you really are over owning their emotional experience.
• 8:59
  For example, at the end of the day, your partner comes home from work and they seem a little bit grumpy.
• 9:03
  Maybe you feel very uncomfortable inside thinking, oh, I need to fix it, right?
• 9:09
  I need to fix their uncomfortable feeling, even if it's not your fault,.
• 9:12
  You might even recognize, okay, well probably something happened at work, so it's not my fault that they're feeling this way, but I still feel like it's my responsibility to fix it.
• 9:21
  And it's extremely challenging for you to see anybody experiencing a negative emotion.
• 9:26
  So as soon as anyone's negative emotion is on your radar, then you jump into action to take away their negative feelings or maybe manufacture a positive emotion to replace that one with.
• 9:38
  So if that sounds familiar, then that's fantastic news because you've already taken the first step towards healing this pattern.
• 9:44
  Because the first step is having that self-awareness.
• 9:47
  Once you can start to see these patterns clearly, then you can begin to interrupt the pattern with a little bit of self-compassion.
• 9:54
  So one of my most favorite mindset shifts is moving from, oh, I hope that they like me to, I hope that I can remain true to myself.
• 10:03
  This is a completely different motive and this sentence that actually changes everything because now instead of chasing approval, you start choosing alignment and genuine compatibility.
• 10:16
  Instead of outsourcing your piece to other people's experiences or reactions, then you start to cultivate it within yourself.
• 10:23
  Because here's the thing is the more that you honor your truth, the more the right people will start showing up and respecting you for it.
• 10:32
  You might disappoint some people along the way.
• 10:34
  Yes.
• 10:35
  But you'll also finally be able to stop disappointing yourself.
• 10:39
  And you will start to find those who truly love and value you for you.
• 10:45
  Not the masked version of you that just wants to please and placate others, but the genuine you.
• 10:52
  When you start saying no, then your body, let's be honest, your body might start to freak out a little bit, right?
• 10:57
  Just like my coaching client with stating boundary in the dating relationship, it's normal to freak out a little bit and to feel a little bit uncomfortable.
• 11:04
  Being uncomfortable doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong.
• 11:07
  It just means that you're trying something new.
• 11:09
  It means that you're breaking old patterns, and that can be scary in the beginning, but as you continue to prioritize staying true to yourself, then that fear will eventually dissipate.
• 11:20
  So when that wave of anxiety hits after stating a boundary, I want you to try this.
• 11:24
  Okay?
• 11:25
  First, pause and breathe.
• 11:27
  Maybe even place your hand over your heart and tell your nervous system I am safe, even if they're disappointed.
• 11:35
  Next, validate the fear.
• 11:37
  Remind yourself that it's okay if this feels scary because I'm learning something new.
• 11:41
  And learning something new can always be a little bit scary.
• 11:46
  And then after that, anchor yourself in your why.
• 11:49
  For example, remind yourself that I choose this because it honors my energy, my time, and my truth, and it's more honoring of me.
• 11:59
  Taking small moments for self-soothing, both before and after boundary setting, it can really help to create safety in your body and help you to lead with more self-confidence.
• 12:09
  So this week I challenge you to say no to one small thing that doesn't align with your energy and your priorities.
• 12:15
  Then instead of actually spiraling into guilt and self-criticism, practice self-soothing, reminding yourself that it's okay if somebody else is disappointed.
• 12:25
  It's okay to take care of yourself.
• 12:27
  It's okay to say no.
• 12:28
  Remind yourself that they're being disappointed, does not mean that I am in danger.
• 12:34
  It's okay for them to be disappointed and it's okay for me to speak my truth.
• 12:40
  And every single time that you do this, you're going to be teaching you our body, that it is safe to be authentically you.
• 12:49
  Now if this episode has resonated with you and you're ready to do the deeper work of breaking free from these people pleasing patterns, I would love to help you.
• 12:57
  I do have limited availability and many people, especially this time of year, they are choosing to gift themselves a more empowered self for the holidays.
• 13:06
  So I highly encourage you if you've been listening here for a while now, if you have felt seen and heard on here, and if you've started to notice positive changes in your life through listening to this podcast, then I encourage you to invest into yourself by applying to work with me.
• 13:21
  You can click the link in the show notes now to book your free clarity call.
• 13:25
  This is a free 20 minute call where we can kind of see what's coming up for you.
• 13:29
  I could just coach you for 20 minutes, or we can explore if coaching might be supportive for you on your journey.
• 13:34
  See if we'd be a good fit for each other.
• 13:36
  There is zero obligation for this call, but space is limited.
• 13:40
  So click the link in the show notes to book your free clarity call now.
• 13:43
  I have both six and 12 week packages available to suit your needs.
• 13:47
  And also, if you haven't yet, would you please drop me a comment or leave me a review.
• 13:51
  It really does help me to help more people to learn how to take up space, set boundaries, and reconnect with their true and authentic self.
• 13:59
  You deserve relationships that honor your truth, and it starts with honoring you first and foremost.
• 14:05
  Thank you so much for being here, and I'll see you next week.
• 14:09
  Bye now.