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Sober Talk SA - Jill R · Sober Talk SA

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  Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
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  experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
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  struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
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  1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
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  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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  fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
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  strengthen hope with each other. They must solve their come
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  problems and help others to recover from alcoholism.
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  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
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  drinking. There are no dues or fees for
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  AIR membership. We are self supporting through
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  our own contributions. AIR is not allied with any SEC
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  denomination, politics, organization or institution,
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  does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
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  oppose any causes. Our primary purposes steers open
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  up other Alcoholics achieved sobriety.
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  Hello, my name is Jill and I'm an alcoholic.
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  I started my drinking fairly early.
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  I was about 15. I'd grown up in a house where
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  alcohol was not around. Dad was a complete teetotaler
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  and Mum would have a glass of Sherry, you know, on her
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  birthday on Christmas Day occasionally.
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  But I went to a party when I was about 15 and somebody gave me a
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  glass of Screwdriver vodka and orange.
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  I didn't realise it was alcoholic and I started to drink
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  it and I got this wonderful feeling of warmth and confidence
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  and popularity washed over me and I kept on drinking it.
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  And my next memory that night was of somebody's mother putting
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  my head under a garden tap. When I got home later on,
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  dropped off, I don't remember by who, I, my mother opened the
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  door and I vomited over the the welcome mat mat.
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  I was in a lot of trouble but it didn't stop me drinking.
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  I'd started this, which had been flicked.
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  I continued to drink. I was still at school.
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  My girlfriend and I would get an older kid to get us bottles of
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  port from the bottle and we'd decant them into tab bottles and
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  off we'd go to to parties or just catch the bus into town on
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  a Saturday night with our tab bottles full of port and it
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  became a real way of life for me as a 15 year old.
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  When I was about 16 my girlfriend learnt to drive and
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  her uncle would lend her his little Morris Minor and we'd
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  drive around. I I liked to drive even back
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  then, although I didn't have a license.
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  My girlfriend would tell me when to change, the would tell me
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  when to put my foot on the clutch and she would change the
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  gears and I would drive. We'd have a bottle of claret or
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  something between US and we'd pass it back and forth.
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  It was me that drank most of it. I realised that even at the
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  time, as as time went by and I finished school and went to uni,
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  I met someone who drank a lot, a man who drank a lot, and we
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  ended up getting married. He was a violent alcoholic and
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  he was an incredibly public drinker and so my drinking went
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  under the radar. I was the poor little, you know,
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  downtrodden wife in the background, but I was also
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  drinking a lot. Just wasn't as as obvious.
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  I had two children. I continued to drink.
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  The marriage didn't didn't work out.
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  The violence was just too much. And I didn't want my children
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  growing up in a house with with violence.
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  So I took the children when he was at work one day.
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  We we we ran away. And that strangely is when my
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  drinking really took off because I had more money than I'd ever
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  had before. My ex-husband had kept me very
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  very short of funds. Just enough to do to do the
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  weekly shopping, not enough to buy the children clothes or
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  myself clothes or anything like that because all the spare money
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  went on his alcohol consumption. So I found myself on a small but
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  regular income and I started to drink quite heavily.
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  At that stage I was still in my, in my 20s and I was keeping it a
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  little bit together for the sake of the children.
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  I did foolish things when I was drinking and I did things that
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  I've that I was ashamed of as well.
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  And I would swear off alcohol for a while, but I would, I
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  would go back to it. I'd, I would always continue to
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  drink. And I would tell myself, look,
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  next time I won't, I won't have as much.
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  Next time I'll drink water between drinks.
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  Next time I'll count my drinks. And all of these plans would
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  work for about half an hour. And then I'd just the once, as
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  soon as I started to be affected by the alcohol, I'd think, oh,
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  what was I so worried about? I'm absolutely fine.
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  I know what I'm doing. And I would, I would just
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  continue, continue in the same vein as I always had, drinking
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  irresponsibly, drinking and driving with children in the
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  car, drinking and letting my son who was even not even 10,
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  letting him steer so I could, you know, roll joints or open
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  bottles or whatever. It was all just, you know, I
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  thought I was the fun mum. I, I really believed I was a fun
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  mum. But maybe it was just me that
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  was having the fun. And it was only when I was
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  drinking that I thought I was having fun.
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  When I was sober, I would be often full of remorse.
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  This behaviour just, it went on for so long.
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  I didn't know about a AII stopped once for about four
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  months, four months and 19 days. And I thought I had the problem
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  solved. I, I went to a, a friend's
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  birthday and her husband passed me a glass of champagne and I
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  hesitated. And then I thought, well, after
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  four months, you know, I know what to do now, but I didn't
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  know what to do. And within half an hour I was
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  going up to the bar and ordering, ordering drinks that
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  didn't look alcoholic so my daughter wouldn't be upset
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  because my daughter and I got on a lot better when I wasn't
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  drinking. We did things that were really
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  truly fun. We went horse riding and went to
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  the beach a lot. I and these were the sorts of
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  things that happened very infrequently during the times
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  that I was drinking. So that experiment failed and it
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  wasn't for about another, it was, it took about another 10
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  years before and I'd moved back to Adelaide by this time and I
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  had a full time job. I was working with people with
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  mental health issues and I was helping them to assimilate back
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  into the community after they were closing down Glenside and
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  Hillcrest. And I kept it together mainly
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  during the week, but I just couldn't wait for that Thursday
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  night if I wasn't working Friday or Friday night so that I could
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  really get stuck into the into the booze.
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  And there were times when I would drink during the week and
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  then I'd go to work and I'd be feeling a bit shaky and I'd be
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  using lots of eye drops to try and disguise the bloodshot
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  appearance of my eyes. And I'd plaster on the
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  foundation make up to try and hide the red cheeks.
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  But nothing, nothing hid the way I felt inside from me.
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  I, I didn't I, I was unhappy with my drinking.
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  My life was lonely and unfulfilled.
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  The only time I spent with people was really at work.
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  I didn't have many friends. My friends all drank a lot, and
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  in my periods of trying to stop drinking, I wouldn't.
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  I wouldn't spend time with them and then their feelings would be
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  hurt. And it was it it, it wasn't a
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  good way to live anyway. Beginning of 1998, I hit a real
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  rock bottom. I'd done something again that I
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  was ashamed of. And this time there was fear as
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  well. I'd done something that was
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  potentially very dangerous. It was OK.
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  Nothing terrible had happened. But in my, in the morning, I,
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  when I sobered up, I, I looked back on what I'd done the night
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  before and realized that it could have had very bad
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  consequences for me. I'd gotten into the habit of
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  walking on the on railway lines when I was drunk as a shortcut
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  and a train could have come from nowhere and bowled me over.
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  It hadn't. I was also doing other unsafe
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  things with people I I met in pubs and clubs.
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  So anyway, I woke up this morning and I was full of fear
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  and shame and guilt and remorse and I stopped drinking.
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  And after about six weeks of this, not drinking, I was
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  almost, I was suicidal really. For the first time in my life, I
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  could not manage my life without drinking.
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  I just couldn't do it. Couldn't, couldn't get by
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  without alcohol by this stage. So in desperation, I went to my
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  first AA meeting. It was a Friday night.
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  It was down at Albertson. And I, I walked to that meeting
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  full of fear. I took my dog with me.
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  I, I, I couldn't go by myself. I walked into the meeting, I sat
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  at the back, I cried all the way through the meeting.
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  I thought nobody would notice me back in that.
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  In those times, there weren't many women at meetings, but
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  there were two women there that were very kind to me.
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  One of them gave me a, a lift home afterwards.
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  They've not only lived a short distance away and I started
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  going regularly regularly to a a meetings.
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  My life didn't improve at work because I was no longer part of
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  the drinking culture. So previously on Friday nights
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  everyone would go down to the pub but poor dad laid and we'd
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  all sit around and talk rubbish and debrief after the week and
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  get drunk and often I'd fall asleep at the table.
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  So I, I at first started still going down to the pub on a
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  Friday night, but people didn't like me when I stopped drinking.
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  People would say to me, oh, I don't trust someone who won't
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  drink with me. So I, I gave that up as a bad
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  job. And about a year after that I
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  quit my job and I moved up to the up to the hills where I
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  continued to go to meetings and my life really started to get
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  better. At this point, I went back to
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  art school and I was very much enjoying the camaraderie of the
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  people I met at art school. I still kept going to meetings
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  for a while and then I met a a friend who was also a sober
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  alcoholic and we started to spend quite a bit of time
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  together with her children as well.
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  And we would talk about our drinking days.
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  We hadn't known each other as drinkers and we would talk about
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  how grateful we were that we no longer drank.
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  And because of this influence in my life, I, the the a, a meeting
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  started to slip away. I did do a short stint as editor
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  of the AALILIMA, the the newsletter for two years and
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  that that was beneficial. But after that, I stopped going
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  to meetings completely. And after nearly 14 years of
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  sobriety, I was at a friend's house.
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  Someone passed me a glass of wine, and without much thought,
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  I picked it up and drank it. And that started off the worst
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  two years and two months of my life.
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  I, my disease had progressed in the time I hadn't drunk.
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  I was no longer just drinking once a week or once a fortnight
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  and getting drunk and then having having a lot of time off
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  before the next the next bout. I was now drinking every day.
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  I wasn't getting drunk every day, but I was drinking many,
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  many cups of tea with Brandy or cognac in it.
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  And then I was still binge drinking once a week or once a
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  fortnight or twice a week or or whatever.
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  And by this time I'd bought a place up in the country, about
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  130 KS from Adelaide, where I still live.
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  And I was just, I was just drinking uncontrollably really.
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  I wasn't drinking round the clock, but I would have my first
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  drink at around lunchtime and then I would drink till I went
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  to bed. I didn't make any appointments
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  for after lunch, not not for hairdressing or doctors or
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  dentists, anything like that. Everything had to be in the
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  morning because I didn't want anything interfering with that
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  lunchtime drink. This went on, as I said, for
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  nearly 26 months. And then I hit another rock
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  bottom. Luckily because I'd tried to
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  stop in that two years, I'd rung a sober member and asked her for
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  help and she'd said, well, you've got to start going back
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  to meetings. And I was so full of shame and
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  fear. It was a pride thing.
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  I didn't want to go back to a A and say that I'd picked up a
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  drink. So anyway, I'd, I'd, I'd hit
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  this rock bottom, I'd, I'd been over to a, a town about 80 KS
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  away and I'd been thinking of, of, of moving over there and I'd
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  been looking at houses and I started to feel terribly lonely,
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  terribly lonely. All the other people looking at
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  houses seemed to be happy and you know, in a couple or, or,
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  or, you know, with their mum and dad or at least with somebody in
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  tow. And there was, I had my 2 little
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  dogs in the car, but I was basically by myself.
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  And on the way home I called in at a liquor store and I bought
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  some alcohol and I started, I was drinking it in the car.
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  And when I got home, I, that was a 50 kilometre journey of
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  drinking. When I got home, I continued to
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  drink. And when I woke up in the
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  morning, about 2:30 in the morning, I, I felt like my life
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  was over. And when the, the little voice
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  said, I've got to, you've got to go back to AA instead of
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  ignoring it or saying, no, no, no, I can't do that.
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  I thought, yes, yes, I really must.
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  And I had an appointment that day or the next day in Murray
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  Bridge. And as I was driving into Murray
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  Bridge, I had the local radio on and, and there was an
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  announcement that there was a new a, a meeting in Tail and
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  Bend. And I just see son of, I
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  thought, this is it, this is, this is, this is meant to be.
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  So I went to that meeting and that was April 2014.
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  And I'm so very, very grateful to say that I have not had a
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  drink since before I went to that couple of days before I
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  went to that meeting. The first time around in my
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  sobriety, I didn't ever have a sponsor.
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  I didn't do all the steps. I, I did steps one to seven.
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  And then I looked at steps 8:00 and 9:00 and they just looked
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  too daunting. So I gave them a miss.
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  I jumped up to step 10/11/12. Yes, yes, yes, I can do those.
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  So I never really cleaned house. And when I did steps four and
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  five, it was all about what other people had done to me.
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  I didn't acknowledge my character defects.
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  I don't think I thought I had any character defects at that
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  stage. I just was so full of pride and
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  ego. This time around, I got a
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  sponsor and I've still got my same sponsor and I've, I do the
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  steps. I'm, I've got the steps in my
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  life. I do them everyday.
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  I run through the steps in my mind.
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  Have I done anything to hurt someone else?
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  What can I do about it? Who should I talk about it to?
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  I hand my will in my life over to the care of God as I
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  understand God and I do that everyday.
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  I say the step three prayer everyday.
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  I've got a Home group, I do service.
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  I've got a few beautiful women in my life who I'm honoured to,
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  to sponsor. I, I'm, I'm, I'm a such a fan of
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  a. A fan is a trite word to use.
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  But I'm so grateful to the the founders of A A and all the
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  people that have come before me, the sober members who when I
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  came back after my bust, were still coming to meetings, people
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  with 4050 years of sobriety, 30 years, 20 years, still coming to
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  meetings, still supporting newcomers.
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  And that's what I want to continue to do as long as I can.
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  So I'm just incredibly grateful to a A if anyone's listening to
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  this who's new or struggling, what what was said to me was
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  keep coming to meeting, stick around till the magic happens.
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  Early sobriety is not a bed of roses by any means.
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  Early sobriety is challenging, but any night that I go to bed,
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  every night that I go to bed, I put my head on my pillow and I
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  know I haven't had a drink. I know that I haven't knowingly
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  hurt anybody and I know that tomorrow will be a good day.
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  The the worst day sober is a million times better than the
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  best day drinking. I wouldn't.
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  I wouldn't have a drink for anything, not for anything.
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  So as I said, if you knew, good luck.
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  Keep coming back. Get right into the fellowship if
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  you hang around the edges of the fellowship.
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  It's like hanging around the edges of a bed.
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  You'll fall out. Get right into the fellowship.
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  Go along to some camps. Even if you don't, do as I do
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  and go along for the day. Meet, meet more people, get some
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  phone numbers. It's a wonderful, wonderful
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  journey and a wonderful, wonderful life.
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  So all the best. See ya.
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  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
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  change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to
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  know the difference. Bye.
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  We have local meetings for the full week in the local area.
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  Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00, Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00,
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  Wednesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at
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  8:00 and Friday is Salisbury at 8:00.
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  There's a meeting at Deveron Park at 12:00 and on Sunday
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  there's a maintenance Salisbury at 7:00 and many of the
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  maintenance in the area. For details of your local
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  maintenance, please phone 1300 double 22222.
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  And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
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  issues, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222
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  The website isaasa.org dot AU.