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5 Ways to Release Self Blame for Not Seeing the Abuse Sooner- How God Can Help · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine this.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're finally out of a toxic relationship.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: You've cried, prayed, blocked a number, unblocked it, and blocked it again with the determination of someone canceling a gym membership that keeps charging her.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then, just when you begin to breathe, your mind opens a courtroom.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: You are the defendant, you are also the prosecutor.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently the judge hasn't slept since February.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: How did you miss the signs?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you believe that apology?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you give them another chance?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly, the person who hurt you has left the room, but you're still sitting there doing their job for them.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we're dismissing that court.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can learn from what happened without sentencing yourself to a lifetime of feeling foolish.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, Shannon, that is such a vivid picture.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: I think so many of us have been in that courtroom, haven't we?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Jake O'Connell and I'm here with my co-host Shannon Alder.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: Shannon is the author of the best-selling book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: And I speak on everything spiritual, helping us bring our questions, our struggles, and occasionally our extremely questionable relationship decisions back to God.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: Today we're talking about five ways to release self-blame for not recognizing abuse sooner.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's right, Jake, and let's establish something before we get started.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Someone else's decision to manipulate, intimidate, deceive, or mistreat you belongs to them.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can take responsibility for your healing without taking responsibility for their abuse.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Those are two very different assignments.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Please stop accepting extra credit in a class God never enrolled you in.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_03: Amen to that.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: I love that.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: So let's dive into the first way.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: Shannon, what's the first step?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: The first way is to stop judging your past self with information you have today.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever watched a mystery movie a second time?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Suddenly, everything looks obvious.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Look at his face.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: He absolutely did it.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yes.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: You already watched the ending.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: During the first viewing, you thought he was a nice accountant with an unfortunate haircut.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's what hindsight does.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: It makes yesterday's uncertainty look like today's obvious answer.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's a great analogy.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: It reminds me of how we read scripture sometimes.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: We see Peter denying Jesus, and we think, how could he?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: But we know the end of the story.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: Peter didn't.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: He was in the middle of fear and confusion.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: And yet Jesus restored him.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: In John chapter 21, Jesus meets Peter beside the sea, and there's breakfast, conversation, and a renewed calling.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: No PowerPoint presentation titled Peter: Three Ways You Have Disappointed Everyone.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's grace.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the heart of it.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: You can acknowledge I wish I had responded differently, without concluding, I deserved what happened.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Try replacing, how could I have been so stupid?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: with I made decisions with the understanding I had then.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can make different decisions with what I know now.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: That is learning without cruelty.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And cruelty is not a requirement for personal growth.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: I love that.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: Learning without cruelty.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: But Shannon, let me push back a little.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't there a risk that if we're too compassionate with our past selves, we might ignore red flags in the future?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_03: How do we balance self-forgiveness with vigilance?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great question, Jake.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And you're right, we don't want to swing from self-blame to self-deception.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: The key is to separate compassion from complacency.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Compassion says, I understand why I made those choices.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Complacency says, I don't need to learn anything.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: We're not saying ignore the red flags.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: We're saying don't beat yourself up for not seeing them when you didn't have the full picture.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: You can learn from the past without living in it.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: You can say, I see now what I missed, and I will use that wisdom moving forward.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's the balance.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: That makes perfect sense.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_03: So what's the second way?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: The second way is to separate your loving intentions from their harmful choices.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you stayed because you believed in marriage.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you believed people could change.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you remembered the person who once held your hand, prayed with you, and seemed genuinely interested in your life.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you thought, if I can just explain how much this hurts, surely they'll understand.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: So you explained.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Then you explained more clearly.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Then you added examples.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: At some point, you were essentially preparing a doctoral dissertation, called Please Stop Hurting My Feelings.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Findings from a seven-year study.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: That's so relatable.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, wanting someone to understand you is human.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_03: Hoping someone will change is human.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: Neither makes you responsible for what they chose to do.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: Your compassion may have been used against you, your commitment may have been exploited.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: The exploitation is their responsibility.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: 1 Corinthians 13 describes love as patient and kind.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: But it also says love rejoices in truth rather than wrongdoing.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_03: We sometimes remember the patience and forget the truth.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right, we turn love into an endurance competition.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: How much can I tolerate before someone gives me a Christian woman trophy?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: But love does not require you to call cruelty kindness.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: It does not require you to pretend a repeated betrayal is simply a communication issue.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: If you keep explaining that something hurts and the person keeps choosing it, you are allowed to consider what their behavior is telling you.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: And Jesus was compassionate, but he was also discerning.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: John 2, verses 24-25 describes Jesus as knowing what was in people and not entrusting himself to everyone, that matters.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: You can care about someone without giving them unrestricted access to your life.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: You can pray for someone while declining their invitation to another argument that starts at 10.47 p.m.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_03: and somehow ends with you apologizing for their behavior.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Ask yourself what good intention was I acting from?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps the answer is loyalty, hope, compassion, or a desire to keep your family together.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Honor that intention.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Then consider how you can protect it with wisdom.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Your capacity to love does not need to disappear.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: It needs boundaries around it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's a great segue to the third way, tuning into God's guidance without blaming yourself for not hearing perfectly.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: This is a big one for many Christian survivors.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: They ask, was God warning me, and I just didn't listen.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you remember a troubling conversation, a feeling of uneasiness, a concern you pushed aside because the person had a convincing explanation.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Looking back, you may wish you had paid closer attention.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: But please don't turn that wish into another weapon against yourself.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Failing to recognize abuse does not prove you lacked faith.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: A person who deceived you did not become your responsibility because you prayed.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: Amen.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: Spiritual discernment is not an examination where one missed answer means you must live with the consequences forever.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_03: James 1, verse 5 invites us to ask God for wisdom.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: That invitation is available today, even if yesterday was confusing.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_03: Tuning in to God can begin with a simple prayer.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: Lord help me see what is true, even when I wish something else were true.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Then give yourself room to observe what happens when you say no?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Can you disagree without being punished?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Do their actions match their words?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: When they apologize, does their behavior change?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel free to tell the truth about the relationship to someone you trust?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus taught in Matthew 7, verse 16 that people are recognized by their fruit.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Fruit takes observation.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: You don't determine the health of an apple tree because it introduces itself as a pear tree with excellent Christian values.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: You look at what it produces.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: That's so true, and spiritual language does not cancel harmful behavior.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: Someone can quote scripture, attend church, and say, God brought us together while still treating you badly.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: God's name is not a permission slip for someone else's control.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: And be gentle with yourself about feelings.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: Anxiety can make an ordinary disagreement feel frightening.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_03: Familiarity can make an unhealthy pattern feel strangely comfortable.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: Attraction can arrive with enough fireworks to obscure the fact that the building is on fire.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: A feeling deserves attention, but it does not have to carry the whole decision.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Bring your impressions into prayer.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Compare the behavior with scripture.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Seek wise counsel from someone who understands abuse and respects your freedom.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: That statement does not end the conversation.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it is a very good reason to begin asking more questions.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: That's powerful.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: So what's the fourth way?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: The fourth way is to build Christ-centered values and boundaries before the next emotional emergency.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's easier to recognize that something violates your values when you have already named those values.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, you may find yourself negotiating basic respect while emotionally attached to somebody who considers accountability an attack on their civil liberties.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Write down what a Christ-centered relationship should make room for: truth, kindness, faithfulness, self-control, mutual respect.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: The freedom to say no.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Galatians 5, verses 22 to 23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, including love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: Those qualities give us something concrete to look for.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: They do not mean a healthy person never gets frustrated.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: They mean frustration does not become a standing excuse for humiliation, intimidation, or control.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: Then turn your values into boundaries.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: A value says, respect matters to me.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: A boundary says, if you begin insulting me, I will end the conversation.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: A value says, I need freedom to maintain healthy relationships.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: A boundary says, I will continue spending time with trusted friends and family.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: A value says, honesty matters.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: A boundary says, repeated dishonesty means I will step back from this relationship.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: A boundary describes what you will do.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It is not a magic sentence that makes another person cooperate.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sadly, there is no perfect phrase that transforms someone who enjoys control into a considerate adult with a calendar and excellent conflict skills.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus himself took time away from crowds to pray, as Luke 5, verse 16 describes.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: Even when people wanted more from him, constant availability was not the measure of his love.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: You do not have to be endlessly available to prove yours, and you do not have to wait for physical violence before taking emotional abuse seriously.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: Threats, intimidation, persistent degradation, and controlling behavior deserve attention.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: You can decide a relationship is harmful without obtaining the other person's agreement.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: If leaving could provoke retaliation, seek support, and make a practical safety plan.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: You do not owe someone a dramatic announcement, or one final private meeting, to demonstrate that your boundary is sincere.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: A Christ-centered boundary can be compassionate and firm.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: It can also be very short.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not comfortable with that.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: We tend to add 17 paragraphs because we want the other person to approve.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: But your boundary does not become valid only after someone who dislikes it gives it five stars.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: That's so good.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: So the fifth way?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: The fifth way is to let regret become wisdom instead of your identity.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: There is a difference between, I overlooked something important, and I am someone who cannot be trusted.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: The first statement identifies something you can learn from.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: The second turns a painful experience into a permanent description of your character.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: You may have missed warning signs.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: You may have explained some away.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: You may have returned after promising yourself you wouldn't.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: You can grieve those decisions, but you are still allowed to grow.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: Romans chapter 8, verse 1 speaks of freedom from condemnation in Christ.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: That does not mean pretending nothing happened.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: It means your healing does not require a daily ceremony in which you remind yourself how badly you failed.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: When self-blame returns, try three questions.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: What do I know now?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: What will I do differently?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: What support will help me follow through?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you now know that you need to slow down before committing.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you will pay closer attention to how a person responds to disappointment.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you will tell a trusted friend when something feels wrong instead of protecting the relationship's appearance.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Those are useful lessons.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, I'm an idiot is not a useful lesson.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's an insult wearing reading glasses.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And remember the Samaritan woman in John chapter 4?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus knew her complicated relationship history, yet he spoke with her, revealed truth to her, and treated her as someone capable of receiving and sharing something meaningful.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: That passage does not tell us that her relationships were abusive.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: We shouldn't invent that part of her story.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: But we can see that Jesus did not reduce her to her relationship history.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to reduce yourself to yours.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: You are more than the person who stayed.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: You are also the person learning to recognize truth, the person rebuilding, the person who can say, I wish I had known sooner, and then add, Thank God I am learning now.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: So if you remember one thing today, let it be this.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: You can wish you had seen the abuse sooner, without accepting blame for the abuse itself.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: Give your past self some compassion.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: That person was trying to make sense of something painful, often while still hoping it could become something good.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now you get to build with clearer values, stronger boundaries, wise support, and a growing willingness to listen when something does not feel right.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: God can help you tell the truth about what happened, without turning that truth into hatred toward yourself.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're asking I left them, now what?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: My upcoming book is written for that next chapter, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible Companion, I Left Them, Now What?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Life After Narcissism comes out in July 2027.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: It will address healing after leaving, recognizing red flags in future relationships, and building boundaries that help protect the life you're rebuilding.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: Because leaving may end a relationship, but learning to feel at home in your own life is its own journey.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_03: Subscribe to the Toxic Relationship Podcast for more conversations about healing, faith, boundaries, and moving forward.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Jake O'Connell, here with my co-host Shannon Alder.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: And before we go, let's pray.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: Heavenly Father, help us release the blame that does not belong to us.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: Meet our regret with mercy and our confusion with wisdom.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: Teach us to recognize truth.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_03: Listen for your guidance, and build relationships rooted in respect and love.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: Give us courage to set boundaries, accept support, and step away from harm.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: Help us trust that our past does not disqualify us from a hopeful future with you.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: And now, Jake, I think you have a special message for our listeners.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I do.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: Before we go, I want to encourage everyone to visit ShannonOuter.com to subscribe to Shannon's newsletter.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: When you do, you'll get 20% off her next book on life after narcissism coming out next year.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: That's ShannonOuter.com.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: Also, click to subscribe on YouTube and visit Staying Positive University on Facebook to join our tribe.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: We love to have you.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, stay positive and keep healing.