Latest / The Christian Homemaking Podcast: Simply Convivial with Mystie Winckler / Why You're Always Working But Never Feel Done [REPLAY]

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Why You're Always Working But Never Feel Done [REPLAY] · The Christian Homemaking Podcast: Simply Convivial with Mystie Winckler

0:00
Speaker: Okay, so today's workshop is Why You're Always Working But Never Feel Done.
0:06
It is October, believe it or not, and this is our third annual
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Organize October workshop, and I'm so excited to do this with you.
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This year's Organize October theme is going to be organizing our attitudes,
0:25
because that is where we need to put the most time and attention.
0:34
We do need to do the work thatâ¦
0:37
Of, you know, maintaining our home and keeping up with things, but
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that work is so much harder when we are telling ourselves a bad story
0:51
about our life while we're doing it.
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So, we need to be recognizing how easil- how easily we slip
1:02
into telling ourselves lies.
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And, um, how easily we convince ourself of our excuses, of our self-pity, of
1:17
our own little versions of toddler tantum- tantrums, temper tantrums,
1:24
that we, we have just all in our own head, and it might not even come
1:28
out, or we think it doesn't come out.
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But it's affecting how we work and how we interact with our family, and
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it interferes with our capacity to do the work that does need to be done.
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So, starting with October, or starting with our attitude
1:50
in October, is essential.
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That's what we're going to focus on.
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We're gonna focus on identifying those wrong-headed thoughts that get us off
2:06
track, and replacing them with truth so that we can move forward in gratitude,
2:15
with cheerfulness, to glorify God in our lives without being full of ourselves.
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'Cause that's what it, it basically boils down to.
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Even, even those stories that are, um, self-denigrating, is actually
2:36
still self-centered, self-absorbed, even if we're being mean to ourselves.
2:44
So, um-
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We've, we've gotta watch that.
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And so we are just gonna have a whole month with a, an episode of- on the
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podcast, on the YouTube channel, free episode, on noticing those bad
3:03
stories and how to replace them.
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And, uh, if you're signed up, if you're registered for this workshop, you're
3:11
signed up for Organize October, if you found this fr- because a friend just sent
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you the link to join live or you're live here on YouTube, you just ran across it,
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then go to simplyconvivial.com/october
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because there are going to be accompanying emails with little quick pep talks or
3:30
action steps throughout the month to really put this into practice yourself.
3:38
And so these last few weeks, I have, um, sent out a couple emails where
3:48
I asked ladies to share, um, what, what's discouraging you, or what is
3:58
the sad or bad story going on in your head, and I've gotten a lot of replies.
4:03
And so I picked this topic, why you're always working but never
4:07
feel done, because it was a very common thread throughout.
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Even if circumstances were different, um, probably one of the most common
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themes throughout the responses on what's discouraging you right
4:23
now is some form of, "I'm doing the things and I can't rest.
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I never feel done.
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There's always more to do."
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That sense that you're never going to be done can feel discouraging, for sure.
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So we're going to talk about figuring that out and telling ourselves a true story
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about our life, and one quick tactic that can totally flip the script in our head.
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And we're gonna be practicing this all month, so this is the setup for the
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essential practice that I want you all to try because you're not gonna believe
5:05
me that it will help, and it will help.
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So I'm gonna lay it all out at this workshop, and all month long I'm
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gonna be asking you to do this.
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And it is an alignment card.
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Uh, oh, you, I turned off the slides.
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Okay.
5:20
So for today's workshop, we are going to identify why you feel stuck, sad,
5:27
and spent so that you can fix that and create a home full of peace and joy.
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We're going to identify the stories that are going on in your head.
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We're gonna correct those stories with reality and scripture, and we're going to
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start a 30-second practice to shift your negativity into noticing progress instead
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Got the members here.
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They know what it is.
5:57
All right.
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It's not a secret.
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So Dawn, Sarah, Megan, there are several, Sarah Middlestead, Sarah, uh, Nelson.
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We have a lot of members here today, members of Convivial Circle, which is
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my membership community that helps women trade chaos for calm and overwhelm for
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organized so that they can thrive in the homes and families they are creating.
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We want to be wives that build our homes rather than tear them down.
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And how we talk about our lives and our homes and our families, even just to
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our own selves in our own head, will come out our fingertips and determine
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if we are building or tearing down.
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And so stay tuned to the end of this workshop because I
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have some special bonuses.
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If you do join Convivial Circle, um, by the end of the day tomorrow,
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Friday, October 2nd, then you get some extra bonuses thrown in to
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just help cheer you on for this month of organizing our attitudes.
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All right.
7:10
Um, you are not the only one.
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Um, uh, just the emails that I got when I asked, you know, "What's going on?
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What's making life hard?
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What's discouraging you?"
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I could tell so many women felt like they were the only ones struggling with this.
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Some people, that even was what they said in a way.
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They said like, "Everyone else has this figured out," or, "I see other people,
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you know, just really, you know, it looks like they're thriving, but I can't."
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And you're not the only one, and you're also not stuck.
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But even those women who look like they have everything together or you
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are projecting your hopes and dreams onto them, there are still times
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where all of us look around and can only see things that need to be done.
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All of us at some point feel like there is not enough time
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to do everything we have to do.
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That's life.
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The kids need us at the most inconvenient times.
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We're busy all day, tired at night, and yet we look around and all we see
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are the things that we didn't get to.
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This is mom life.
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Uh, the answer isn't getting it all done
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That's not the answer.
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For so many of us, you never learned how to manage a home in the
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first place, and it's much harder than you thought it would be.
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You thought, you know, okay, chores, feeding people, this is not complicated.
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This is not hard.
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And it turns out that it is hard, and you can't even figure
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out why it's hard, but it is.
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This is, this is true.
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You really want to do a good job at home, but at this point, you're not even
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sure what that looks like, and you're definitely not sure what it feels like.
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You have come to the right spot.
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This is what I help women with, and you can already tell in the chat, like,
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you are with your crowd right now.
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These are ladies who get it, and it is so helpful to have like-minded friends
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and friends who can just point you in the right direction, point things out
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to you, and help you, um, organize your attitude and change the story even if
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you can't change the circumstances.
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Which is not the same thing, you know, it's not telling yourself a better lie.
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You h- have a current lie, and you're gonna change the lie so to
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one that makes you feel better.
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We're actually gonna tell ourselves the truth, which is much more powerful because
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it's real, and it's what God has given us.
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Uh, okay.
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There we go
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Okay, so, um, here are some stories from ladies inside Convivial Circle.
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Amy said, "I've learned how to do sourdough, fresh-milled flour, make
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yogurt, butter, knit and crochet, and have felt great about learning
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all the new things, but I still am struggling with my attitude at home and
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keeping up with basic housekeeping."
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Like, do you identify?
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Homemaking and figuring out how to be a good wife and mother and homemaker
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is actually not about picking up a whole bunch of extra hobbies.
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The hobbies are great, but that's probably not where you should be starting, and
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those are only going to be a blessing to your family if you come at them
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with a good attitude and with the basics and necessities taken care of.
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We should totally get to some of those good hobbies, but figuring
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out those things isn't gonna help the more foundational problems.
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Jesse said, "I need practical accountability because I was never
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required to help or do chores growing up, and I'm letting that become an
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excuse for feeling overwhelmed."
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See, that's someone who has been in Convivial Circle for a while, uh,
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because she's already identified that f- oh, being overwhelmed is how you're
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feeling, and it's often an excuse.
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But that's, that right there is an insight that is hard to, um, recognize
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and, um, that's counterintuitive
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Kate Katya said, "I tend to give up on life easily and get discouraged.
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I need to cultivate joy and perseverance, and then also train myself to take
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small steps toward a better run house."
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That's what we all need, and that's what Convivial Circle is all about.
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Um, Lauren said, "I joined to learn how to better handle life and for accountability
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to actually make changes in my life.
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Now I am constantly feeling both encouraged and convicted.
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I feel more efficient and like I'm prioritizing better.
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I also have less stress because I have a plan for things that must be done."
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All right.
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These are the kinda things that I want you to say at the end of this workshop.
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So, um, like give me the benefit of the doubt because the practice that
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I'm gonna share is one that so many women that I have talked to or had join
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Convivial Circle are so skeptical about.
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But it is easy and simple
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And it doesn't seem like it could really do much, but it can because
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it's a visible, tangible, tactical way to change our thoughts, to take
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responsibility for what we're thinking and saying to ourselves, and to
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align what we say to what is true and to rest in the joy of the Lord
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All right.
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Um
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Now, the reason why we really need to dig into this is that moms are the ones
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who make the atmosphere of our homes.
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We're not just feeding people and doing laundry, but the way that we
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go about doing all of our things creates the atmosphere of our homes.
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Our attitudes are contagious, so we need to learn how to organize them
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and get them in line with truth.
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We need to put them in the right place so that we can be the contagion that helps
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everyone instead of brings everyone down.
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How we do our work matters just as much as the work that we do because
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we are the atmosphere of our home
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I love this quote from G.K.
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Chesterton, "The business done in the home is nothing less than the shaping
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of the bodies and souls of humanity."
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That's our job.
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That matters.
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It makes a difference.
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How you feel about your work matters.
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It makes a difference
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And you can change how you feel about your work.
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You can learn to love what must be done.
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It's a subtitle of my book, Simplified Organization: Learn
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to Love What Must Be Done.
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It's p- it's within your capability to change how you feel.
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You are not a victim of your default feelings.
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And what we do greatly affects our feelings, and what we think
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directly affects our feelings.
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But often we let it work the other way around, and just however we happen to
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feel is what's in charge of our thoughts.
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And then we wonder why we're stuck and sad.
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Like, that would be why
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So organizing our attitudes and doing this one tactic that we're
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gonna talk about today is a part of Homemaking 101, which is where everyone
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starts inside Convivial Circle.
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The alignment card practice is what we're going to be talking about today.
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If you've already taken Homemaking 101, or maybe you've seen this or
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heard me talk about it already, um, the alignment card is a piece of truth,
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verse, a quote, a motto that we write on an index card, on a sticky note, and
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we put it right in front of our face.
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We don't rely on whatever's gonna pop into our head.
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We get some truth visible and external to ourselves so that we can latch onto
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it and direct our thoughts intentionally
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Now, when you feel like there's so much work to do and you never can
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get to all of it, that is a story
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It, it, there, there are plot points in the story that you
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are telling about your life.
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And the reality is, um
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You can't do it all.
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Uh, there'sâ¦
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The story doesn't go, you know, you're so overwhelmed because you're behind, and
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you need to catch up, and once you get X, Y, Z done, then you're gonna feel better.
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All you have to do is get to 10 of the 12 things done or 12 of the 12 things
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done, and then everything is gonna change.
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A- as long as you get, you know, this stuff done, then you're gonna feel better.
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That's what we tell ourselves.
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But that kind of if or first this, then that, can you see how that's a story?
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These are plot points, and we're connecting them with interpretation
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and importing meaning onto it.
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And a story has a, a goal for the hero or the protagonist.
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And if we've set our s- set our hearts on the idea that getting everything
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done, getting the whole house clean, getting all the laundry done, all the
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dishes caught up, getting to all the work so that there's still enough time
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to get to our hobbies, when we set that up as the goal, then we are always
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scrambling, never satisfied, because we've, we've picked the wrong goal.
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Our eyes are on the wrong thing, and we need to change that
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That is the kind of feeling that keeps you feeling overwhelmed, and feeling
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overwhelmed keeps you stuck because you fixate on what could be done or what might
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be done rather than just what's next.
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And you go into mental and emotional spiraling that's so hard to
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stop and get out of, and you pay attention to what you haven't done
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rather than what you have done.
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So you notice incomplete things more than you notice progress.
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And once you do that long enough and hard enough, you don't notice
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any progress at all, and it's not because progress isn't there
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it's because you have blinders on for that part of it.
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Because according to your goal, what you have done doesn't count.
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It doesn't count till it's all done, so then none of it counts.
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And a lot of times we don't even realize we have that kind of
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loop going on, that kind of goal interpreting the rest of the story
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Overwhelm leads to guilt.
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Overwhelm makes you prone to distraction.
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Overwhelm is contagious to everyone else in the home and can start a family spiral.
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And then you're even more stuck, and then you get even less done so that
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you get to the point where maybe there isn't any progress because
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you're stuck in overwhelm and guilt, and it's, it's a downward spiral
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But overwhelm is optional.
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You can learn to see what you have done and not only or
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exclusively what you haven't done.
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And you can learn to see what you haven't done, what you haven't
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gotten to, and say, "That's fine."
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We'll get to it, or if we don't get to it, it's 'cause it doesn't
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matter that much, or no biggie.
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Like, we'll, we'll rearrange things.
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Like, you can handle it.
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You can learn how to handle it without and before it's all done
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And I know you don't need a shallow pep talk, which I feel like is what is
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mostly out there right now for women.
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Women who want to be great wives and mothers, they're just told, "Yeah, no
20:36
matter what, you're doing a great job."
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That's not what I'm talking about here . And that's not
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what you're gonna get from me.
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I'm gonna step on your toes.
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You might get some hurt feelings, but we're trying to direct our feelings.
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So some feelings need to just be killed.
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So if they get a little bit hurt, bent out of shape, then that's okay.
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You can replace them with some better feelings
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Um, you don't need someone to just tell you, "No matter what,
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you're doing a great job."
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Maybe not, but we could do better.
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It does matter what you're doing, and it matters how you're doing it.
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And it notâ¦
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Like this is true, babies don't keep.
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That is totally true, and we will get this month too into, like, how to count
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your progress or your time and recognize the good work you're doing when you're
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resting with a new baby or nursing.
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But the, the shallow, too short, and then off to the next thing
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advice, like nothing else matters.
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It's okay.
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Babies don't keep.
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Let everything fall apart.
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We know that there's something wrong there.
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It's not okay to just let everything fall apart
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Often though, what we say is everything falling apart is a lie.
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Everything's not falling apart.
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Chill.
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We need to dig a little deeper.
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Uh, it's, but it's also not true that it'll get easier when they're all older.
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It changes.
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It's different.
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Unless you're training them to help you when they're little, it's not necessarily
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gonna be easier when they're older.
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If you're, um, you know, start trying to get them to help you for the first
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time when they're 10 or 11 or 12, that's not gonna go over very well
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You will reap when they're older what you sowed when they were younger.
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So it's intense when they're little, and it will pay off when they're
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older if you've used that time well.
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And if not, it's gonna take work.
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It's not just gonna be easy when they're older
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And it's not just your husband's fault, and it's not your kids' fault.
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You need to take responsibility for yourself.
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Your husband or your kids might be making it harder, but we
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aren't just going to blame shift.
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I'm a wife and mother, and I'm talking to wives and mothers, so
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we're gonna talk about our struggles and our part of the equation.
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We're going to be on our own paper.
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We're going to figure out what's our fault and deal with that because
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something might be our fault.
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Whether or not something is someone else's fault is not the first piece
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of the puzzle that needs to be fixed.
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We each need to fix what we've got going on ourselves first
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What we all need is a shot of truth and reality.
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We need someone to call us out and say, "Mm, that's not true."
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That little story loop that you have playing about your life,
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like, is that real though?
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Is that true?
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You need to have a true story playing in your head.
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You have to know what's most important.
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You have to choose to do the things that matter most and let other things go.
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You have to notice what your thoughts are actually telling you, but a lot of times
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we just l- let our default thoughts go without examining them, considering them.
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We need to learn how to redirect our thoughts when they are lying to us.
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We need to be able to call ourselves out, and we need to fill our minds with
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truth that will replace the complaints and the self-pity and the sad stories
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What's going on in your head is going to be what comes out
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in your choices and your words.
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So some kind of habit plan or houseworking system is not
24:58
actually where you should start.
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It's not gonna fix anything.
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If you've got a mess going on in your head, dealing with the external
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mess is not going to fix that.
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But fix the internal mess, and it will come out in your
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choices and in your words.
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We have to start with our heart and mind, and then apply that change outward.
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But we are not a victim or slave to our circumstances.
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It's not like if you just, would just plop me down in a clean and organized
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house, I would be a whole new person.
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That's not true.
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But that's what we mean.
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Like, that's the basis of the story, like, first I get the house clean
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and organized, then I will be happy
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You're not gonna be because the circumstances aren't what makes
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or breaks your happiness, actually it's what you're telling yourself
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Now, our incorrect stories, the lies that we tell ourselves,
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are often based in real details
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we t- can exaggerate them.
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So we make, you know, the fact that the inside of the microwave is dirty and our
26:20
fridge isn't organized and there are spots on the floor, those can be real details.
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And then we extrapolate that out and say, "I didn't get anything done today,"
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or, "I still have so much left to do
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I mean, there are so many real details of things that I haven't
26:39
done that I can't even list them all.
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Might as well just call that everything.
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So we notice some real details in our lives, but we use those
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details to then tell a false story.
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Maybe you went to bed with dishes in the sink.
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I have done that well, and I have done that sinfully.
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The fact that there are dishes in the sink, no one else could have known
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whether that was fine or not fine.
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There have been different points in my life where that was fine, and
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other points where it was not fine.
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But the fact that there are dishes in the sink isn't an indication.
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My child having frequent meltdowns
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Maybe that's just the work that you have cut out for you.
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Maybe that is the job that God is giving you right now
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It depends on how you're handling it
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not just the fact that there are meltdowns, but what
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you are doing with them
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Just like grinning and bearing and figuring they'll outgrow it
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if you can just live that long,
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that's not a good response.
27:59
But figuring out what's going on and helping our child through that
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and helping our children learn self-control, that's just mom's job.
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And sometimes God gives us children that have different ways where it comes
28:13
out that they need more self-control and more discipline and more attention,
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and some, maybe some other significant need is being brought to our attention
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What does this real detail actually mean?
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What's the real story going on?
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The detail itself doesn't tell a story.
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Could go either way.
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The house has more clutter than you'd like.
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Like, so what?
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What, what, what does that mean?
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What role is that playing in your interpretation of your life?
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So you need to notice that story that's going on in your
28:53
head and interrogate your story
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Ask questions about it.
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Ask yourself, "Is that true?
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Why, why am I thinking that?
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What's going on here?"
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Maybe you went to bed with dishes in the sink, but you know the context
29:10
matters more than the bare facts.
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So what is the context?
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Do a little brain dump.
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Figure it out.
29:14
Pray.
29:15
Ask your husband.
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Get some help.
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Maybe your child is having frequent meltdowns, but you
29:22
learn how to, how you handle them matters more than the bare fact.
29:27
The house has more clutter than you'd like, but what's actually
29:30
behind your desire for less stuff?
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Is it â¦ Like, sometimes our desire to have no clutter is a
29:43
discontentment, and we think, "Oh, no, only wanting stuff is discontent."
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But wanting less stuff sometimes is discontent.
29:53
Wanting minimalism rather than a full life with a bunch of people who have
29:59
stuff that you don't necessarily care about is sometimes the sanctifying
30:04
situation that God has us in for our good.
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Like, what's really going on?
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And we need to figure out what we're saying, and we need to tell
30:14
ourselves a true story about your life
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So notice when you're trying to pay attention to the story going on in your
30:23
head, notice your story's focal point
30:29
Like where is the spotlight?
30:33
What makes or breaks the story?
30:38
We can all have the circumstance of the laundry is never done.
30:44
That's actually true because that's the way laundry works.
30:48
Laundry being done would mean there are no more people using- wearing clothes.
30:55
So the laundry is never gonna be done.
30:57
That's a fact.
30:59
We are making a different story when we say, "I hate that the
31:03
laundry is never done," or, "I wish the laundry would be done.
31:06
Why is the laundry never done?"
31:09
When, when we have some kind of gnarly feelings about the laundry never being
31:14
done, the focus is on the laundry, or the focus is on our desire to not
31:20
work or to not put forth effort, our desire to just be done already, which
31:27
is actually kind of a death wish.
31:30
Um, honestly, it, it's acedia.
31:34
It's the desire to escape life
31:39
I speak as one.
31:41
Who knows?
31:43
Um, when you could just also look at the exact same situation, same laundry
31:48
pile, same overflowing hamper, and say, "Hey, I moved the laundry along today."
31:55
You're not expecting it to be done.
31:57
It doesn't matter that it's not done.
31:58
I didâ¦
31:59
I kept up the laundry.
32:02
We're just going.
32:03
This is no big deal.
32:06
Different response to the exact same situation.
32:10
Completely different story.
32:14
The focus is on some wished-for end that's not based in reality
32:21
or is on what I'm actually doing
32:24
Maybe the house is messier than it should be.
32:30
Where is that coming from?
32:31
What's that even mean?
32:34
A same, exact same circumstances and the story could be, "Today I
32:40
had to spend extra time parenting.
32:43
I'll catch up with the housework on Saturday."
32:45
Again, not a big deal.
32:47
My time, like I didn't get to that today and because there
32:51
were more important things.
32:52
It's fine.
32:54
It'll get done
32:57
It's not like it didn't get done because it didn't matter, but
33:00
something else mattered more and we're just gonna keep rolling.
33:03
This is life.
33:04
This is fine.
33:04
We can handle it.
33:05
Keep moving
33:08
I hate having books and papers spilling over everywhere
33:13
I mean, what about just being glad that you're able to homeschool?
33:16
Homeschooling means there are gonna be books and papers and pencils everywhere.
33:21
And sometimes you'll get it cleaned up, and sometimes you
33:24
won't, and we just keep rolling.
33:28
The
33:29
You can change your thoughts which will change your feelings
33:35
How are you thinking about your life and the way things should go?
33:41
Your expectations set the stage for then how you respond when these things happen
33:48
So I, this is kind of late for the introductory slide, but hello.
33:52
I don't know if you are new around here, or maybe just found us on
33:56
YouTube, or a friend sent you the link.
33:58
I'm Misty Winkler.
33:59
I've been married for 25 years.
34:01
My husband and I have five kids that we've homeschooled.
34:04
My husband and I also were both homeschooled.
34:07
We have three graduates, uh, two high schoolers now left at home, and
34:14
I've always had a lot on my plate.
34:16
And, uh, these are issues that I have struggled with my whole 25 years of
34:22
being a homemaker, probably because I actually struggled with them before
34:26
that but just didn't realize it.
34:30
But I remember one morning with, you know, a bunch of little kids, a homeschool
34:34
day, and I realized that my thinking face, you know, I'm, like, making
34:38
strategies, trying to figure things out.
34:41
My thinking face looked grumpy, which is why my children assumed
34:45
I was grumpy and were treating me like- like, "Don't make Mom mad."
34:49
Like, "Oh, be careful."
34:51
Which is not how I wanted to be.
34:53
And so I put smile on my top three to-do list, uh, for at least a year.
35:01
It might have been more than a year.
35:02
I don't even remember anymore, 'cause that was more than 10 years ago.
35:06
But it made a big difference, having that visible reminder in front of my face.
35:12
I needed to intentionally set the tone, and it didn't matter.
35:16
I didn't even have to ask, like, do I feel grumpy or not, and it just
35:21
matters how I actually think I feel?
35:24
Like, how, what kind of atmosphere am I creating in our home?
35:30
And how can I intentionally direct that?
35:33
Maybe I'm not grumpy, but am I cheerful?
35:37
Like, maybe the standards are actually a little bit higher
35:40
than just being not grumpy.
35:43
Am I actually fully attentive and cheerful?
35:48
And so I put smile on my list, and that helped so much.
35:52
And this story thing really came to a head.
35:55
I kind of, like, had this idea, and I was doing alignment cards, but, um, Iâ¦
36:02
It was one of those days where it was just, like, thing after thing, and
36:05
you're super busy, but you don't really feel like you're getting anywhere.
36:09
And I wasâ¦
36:10
It was past 5:00 'cause my husband was up and changing or something in our
36:15
room, and I was still folding laundry, which is something I was going to do
36:18
at lunchtime, but I was doing it then.
36:20
And I was just like, "I did not get anything done today."
36:24
And he, he worked from home.
36:26
Like, he knew what was going on, and he just looked at me and
36:28
said, "Stop lying to yourself."
36:31
And that took me aback.
36:33
And I was likeâ¦
36:34
I said, "I'm not lying."
36:36
And then the more I thought about it, I'm like, "It, it is kind of a lie, isn't it?"
36:43
And I hadn't really considered that it might be lying,
36:45
because I- it was how I felt.
36:46
I was sharing how I felt but i was making a statement of fact that was not true.
36:54
And was not helpful
36:56
Okay.
36:57
I have a story here that says Jen's story, and I made up these slides last week,
37:04
and I don't know who I was thinking of.
37:08
Jen also has a story that's similar, and it's very helpful, but I didn't give
37:13
myself good enough notes to know what I â¦ I don't know now what I was thinking then.
37:18
So we're gonna jump right into the three-step process.
37:23
We are, during Organize October, I do have several of our episodes that
37:27
are interview episodes with some of our ladies in Convivial Circle.
37:31
Um, I've already recorded with Sarah Mittelstaedt, who's here today.
37:36
I saw her pop up, and we have several others.
37:39
Um, the episode tomorrow is with Kara.
37:43
Um, so you will hear other people's stories and not just mine.
37:47
And it's so helpful to hear one another's stories.
37:50
It helps us see our own so much more clearly.
37:54
So this is a three-step process, and I, the, I have the acronym
37:58
RAW, which I've not used before.
38:01
I just made this up when I was making up the slides.
38:03
And like may- that's not the most attractive, um, acronym, but honestly, it
38:10
works because you are gonna feel a little raw the first few times you go through it.
38:15
Um, as a kid, I watched My Fair Lady
38:22
over and over.
38:23
I, like dozens and dozens of times.
38:25
Um, I recorded the audio onto a cassette tape and just
38:29
listened to it when I cleaned.
38:31
So I have, I s- I listened to it so much that even though I haven't
38:35
seen it in a decade, I still have the whole movie memorized.
38:38
And so I just remember the line, "Her, um, I know your nerves are as
38:43
raw as meat in a butcher's window."
38:48
That's like, that's how we feel sometimes as moms, isn't it?
38:50
Um, so you're gonna feel a little bit that way as you work through it.
38:55
But, um-
38:59
It's, it's still good.
39:01
It- this is how we get through it.
39:03
Um, and I- that hints at the fact that you're not gonna want to do this.
39:09
That's what I see again and again in Convivial Circle, 'cause this
39:13
is one of the, like, first things we have our new members do.
39:19
But, um, it requires self-awareness and honesty that we are not
39:27
comfortable with or accustomed to.
39:29
It is humbling.
39:31
It basically is repentance.
39:33
It is turning away from your thoughts towards God's thoughts.
39:38
That's repentance, and that's hard.
39:41
It strips away our self-preservation, status quo-seeking responses.
39:47
We actually want what's familiar, and so if we've repeated bad
39:51
stories to ourself, in a way it's providing a false comfort to us.
39:56
It's familiar
40:00
And there is a comfort in turning to the familiar, but it's not working.
40:05
So we need to repent of it and turn, turn away from it.
40:10
The world, the flesh, and the devil conspire against us in the
40:13
battle for our hearts and minds.
40:15
That's what's going on
40:17
And you can still try it.
40:19
Please do try it.
40:20
Even if you feel embarrassed to put up a handwritten note in a visible
40:24
place, you forget at fir- you put it up and you forget at first
40:29
to see it, that doesn't matter.
40:31
You just keep trying.
40:32
That's not an excuse.
40:34
Even if you don't like your handwriting, even if you aren't
40:37
sure it will work for you
40:40
We have heard all kinds of excuses over the years, but there's not a
40:47
single person who still stuck with it, even with these excuses, who didn't
40:52
say, "Oh, yeah, this actually works."
40:54
And because it's, it's putting up God's Word in front of your face and
41:01
reviewing it time and time again, and God's Word doesn't return void.
41:05
And so it's, this isn't actually superstitious or magic or, um, self-help.
41:11
This is turningâ¦
41:12
This is a way to turn to God's Word, and whenever we do
41:15
that, we're gonna be changed.
41:18
So this is the RAW process.
41:20
Recognize, adjust, and write.
41:25
Recognize, adjust, and write.
41:29
You have to recognize the story that you're telling with
41:33
all the details of your life.
41:34
You have to adjust the story to align it with God's Word, and then you write a
41:42
reminder verse, quote, or motto and post it in a visible place so you can continue
41:47
to do that again and again on repeat.
41:51
You could add, a- another R and it'd be RAWR,
41:55
RAWER or RAWRR?
41:56
I don't know.
41:57
But we are gonna repeat it, but RAW works.
41:59
All right.
42:01
Recognize the story you're telling with the details of your life.
42:07
A story has a protagonist and a goal and a setting with an obstacle, an obstacle
42:14
between the protagonist and the goal.
42:18
So there's the setting and the circumstances, there's the protagonist,
42:22
there's the goal, and there's something in the way between the protagonist and
42:27
the goal, and that's how you get a story
42:30
So, and those are the elements of a story.
42:33
So what is the story we are telling with the details of our life?
42:37
What's the goal in this story that you're telling yourself?
42:41
A clean house?
42:42
Like, a house that stays clean?
42:44
All the laundry being done?
42:47
Everyone pitching in to help equally?
42:50
No one ever interrupting you?
42:52
Everyone always getting along?
42:55
Those are not the goals that God has for us, which might be why we
43:01
feel thwarted in achieving them
43:06
And what's the obstacle in your story to this goal that possibly might not
43:13
be a good goal in the first place?
43:15
Is, do you feel like your husband is the obstacle?
43:18
Your children are the obstacle?
43:19
The weather is the obstacle?
43:22
Entropy?
43:24
Your own bad habits?
43:26
What are we identifying as the obstacle
43:29
Uh, here's one.
43:30
Um, Heather from Convivial Circle said, "I used to stay in bed in
43:35
the morning thinking that I didn't wanna get up because it was too
43:39
much, and I couldn't do it all, and it was all going to be derailed.
43:43
So many negative thoughts."
43:46
Yes
43:48
Then she says, "I realized I could list the things that need to get
43:51
done and faithfully work on those things and then say I had a good day.
43:56
I was allowed to say today was good even if I didn't get everything done
44:01
and the house doesn't look awesome."
44:04
If I had to pick a favorite part of Convivial Circle, I think it would be the
44:07
realization that I was blame-shifting.
44:10
I was always saying, "I have too much to do," and trying to drain the
44:14
pool rather than learn how to swim.
44:17
And that's a metaphor in one of the modules.
44:20
Um, she says, "I realized homemaking and motherhood is a part of my sanctification,
44:26
and to welcome all that work is a blessing for my good and the good of the
44:29
family and future generations, rather than trying to eliminate all the work."
44:35
I fell into that, thinking that was the goal for so many
44:40
years, and did not go well.
44:43
It was not, because it was not the right goal . It was a bad goal
44:47
Does thisâ¦
44:47
Yeah.
44:47
Oh, yep, Heather's story continues.
44:49
"The idea that the work, it will never actually be done
44:53
is starting to feel freeing.
44:55
Rather than being frustrated, I see now that I don't have to finish it
44:59
all, and I'm more content with the good work that I did do that day or week.
45:03
Some days are tough, but it's helped to not even judge day by
45:07
day, but rather, week by week.
45:10
Progress is being made without massive projects or neglect of other duties.
45:16
I've recently removed other distracting podcasts and have mainly been focusing
45:19
on your podcasts and trainings, which has made a huge improvement in my
45:23
attitude and daily cheerfulness."
45:25
Like, what we fill our minds with makes a big difference, and that's the
45:29
basis of the alignment card and why I'm putting out a bunch of episodes
45:34
because it does matter what we think.
45:36
It matters what we put in, and what we put in is what will come out.
45:41
And, um, it, it influences not only ourselves, but our whole families
45:47
and the atmosphere of our home.
45:50
So the default stories you might hear in your own head is that, "I
45:53
get noth- I got nothing done today.
45:55
I'm so tired because I have too much work to do."
45:59
And you don't just have to accept that default story that flits into your head.
46:06
You can say, "Of course I'm tired.
46:08
I did a lot today.
46:10
Now it's time for bed."
46:13
Like being tired,
46:16
feeling tired at the end of the day doesn't mean that there's a problem.
46:19
That's not a problem to solve except by going to bed.
46:23
You're tired 'cause you did stuff.
46:26
That's good.
46:27
You, you're supposed to sleep.
46:29
Like, you're supposed to be tired.
46:30
It's okay.
46:32
Uh, I didn't do all that I'd planned, but I did take care
46:35
of the business in front of me.
46:37
That's a whole different story.
46:38
Same circumstances, whole different conversation happening in your own head
46:44
So we're recognizing that we are telling ourselves a story and
46:48
learning how to pick that apart and analyze it and figure it out.
46:54
And once we have recognized that story, we need to adjust the story
46:58
so that it aligns with God's Word.
47:02
So this writing truth on an index card, which is the W step, we're
47:05
gonna get there, is an alignment card.
47:09
That's what I call it.
47:11
Um
47:14
Because it's objective truth outside of us, and we need to hold it up
47:20
to our thinking, to our choices, to the story, and get them to match.
47:27
And the truth doesn't change.
47:29
We can change.
47:31
We can align ourselves to truth and change our thinking, change our thoughts.
47:36
We need to step out of the protagonist perspective in order to see clearly.
47:41
Like in that story where you have protagonist, obstacle,
47:44
goal, the protagonist knows the goal and sees an obstacle
47:51
In order to enjoy a story, you actually have to have the perspective
47:56
of the author or the reader.
47:59
You have to be able to step outside and see everything else that's going
48:03
on that the protagonist can't see
48:07
That's how you enjoy a story
48:11
So think about looking back at this moment in 10 or 20 years.
48:18
Think about what does God see in your story right now?
48:22
He's the author.
48:23
Do you believe, do you trust that he's telling a good story
48:28
with your life right now?
48:31
Or is what you're telling yourself in your head actually unbelief, mistrust,
48:38
distrust, self-sufficiency, and not recognizing God's got this, we're fine
48:48
And here's another thought exercise that's very fruitful.
48:52
W- what about the story where your husband or your child, your parent,
48:57
your friend is the protagonist, and you're just a bit player?
49:05
You are in this scene in their life, but they're the protagonist with a
49:11
goal, and maybe you're the obstacle.
49:16
Like, what kind of a character are you in someone else's story?
49:21
Are you the kind of character in other people's story that you want to be?
49:26
Try out some thought exercises where you're not the main character
49:30
Uh, Chelsea said, this is when she, before she joined Convivial
49:35
Circle, or why she joined, she said, "I wanted to keep a clean house.
49:39
I thought I needed or wanted my house to be always clean."
49:44
Now she's laughing.
49:45
In fact, she says, "I have three boys and we homeschool.
49:47
I've discovered that we can keep it clean and tidy in small spurts throughout
49:52
the day, weekend, month, et cetera."
49:54
I think you can hear in that first and then later bit that what she's
50:01
counting as clean has changed.
50:04
She says, "Everything doesn't have to be clean all at the same time.
50:07
That would be nice, but it's possible to upkeep my home one task at a time
50:15
She says, "I love how positive and realistic you are.
50:18
You changed the story I tell myself and made me realize that it is in fact doable.
50:23
Not perfectly doable, but doable."
50:26
We always are dismantling perfectionism inside Convivial Circle.
50:33
Lisa here is, uh, our operations manager.
50:36
Stephanie, I don't think is here, but she's our community manager.
50:39
The three of us, and Abby, uh, um, Wall also is in there all the
50:44
time, and we are, I, like poking.
50:48
It's like, "Is
50:49
That's perfectionism.
50:50
Like, there it is.
50:51
That's your bad story right there.
50:52
That's the motivation behind your bad story."
50:56
So not perfectly doable, but doable.
51:00
"I feel like I've discovered my need along the way.
51:03
I needed motivation and accountability.
51:05
I needed to hear other women trying to be God-fearing homemakers and mothers.
51:10
I needed a community of women who encouraged me to be the best I can be."
51:15
So it matters what you put in your ears.
51:18
It matters the thoughts that you think, and it also matters
51:21
who you're hanging out with.
51:23
What are the people around you saying?
51:26
What kind of stories are they telling?
51:28
How are they interpreting life?
51:30
That will affect how you think about yours as well
51:37
A default story that pops into our own heads is, "I'm so tired
51:41
because I have so much to do."
51:44
And, you know, the Proverbs 31 woman, it says she does
51:47
not eat the bread of idleness.
51:49
Like, so you could say, "I have so much to do, like, I'm just a Proverbs 31 woman.
51:53
Iâ¦
51:54
There is no option for me to eat the bread of idleness.
51:57
Go me.
51:59
Thank you, Lord."
52:02
Same circumstance, different story.
52:05
I got nothing done today, right?
52:07
Sufficient is the day for it, is its own trouble.
52:11
Like, well, we did today's things.
52:14
There'll still be more tomorrow, and that'sâ¦
52:17
We're gonna be able to do that tomorrow.
52:20
I don't have time to do the things that I want to do
52:25
Well, do all things whether you want to do them or not for the glory of God.
52:32
And Valerie said, "It's been so helpful to have true statements on index cards
52:37
in a few strategic areas in my home."
52:41
It, it works.
52:42
Here's one index card, and this is a good one to start
52:46
with if you need a go-to thing.
52:49
Take every thought captive to obey Christ.
52:53
That is what this practice helps us do in a real concrete, simple way.
52:58
So this is the W of RAW.
53:01
Write a reminder verse, quote, or motto and post it in a visible place
53:05
because we all need bite-sized pieces of truth kept highly visible that
53:11
we review multiple times a day.
53:13
That's how this works
53:15
Um, this one is a repeat.
53:21
I was gonna cop- I didn't quite update all of these.
53:25
So the default story is this is just the way it is.
53:29
Like, whatever's popping into your head, you just treat that as truth.
53:33
Because we've all been told you have your truth
53:39
Um, you know, follow your feelings, go with your feelings,
53:44
your truth, my truth, whatever.
53:47
Like, you can't help it.
53:49
It just is.
53:49
Whatever is in your head is what is for you.
53:52
Like, what a sad, sad, terrible lie.
53:58
The, the reality is that truth exists outside of you.
54:02
God has made it known, and we can change our thoughts.
54:05
Youâ¦
54:06
We can take our thoughts captive.
54:08
We're told to do that.
54:09
We're commanded to do that because we can
54:14
Maybe you just think, "I'll be happy when I get to the end of my list."
54:20
Well, you could be happy now.
54:23
Rejoice always.
54:24
Again, I say rejoice.
54:25
I can choose gratitude now.
54:28
I don't have to wait until my list is all done.
54:32
I can have that now.
54:34
And then keep working on that list whether or not I ever get to the end.
54:39
My mind just keeps spinning and spinning, but with the alignment card,
54:44
you can focus and center your thinking on God's word quickly and easily
54:50
um, Kayla said about the alignment card, "I've found it so helpful because there
54:54
are so many practical helps," I guess that's for Convivial Circle, "but also
54:58
because there are so many nuggets of truth that unmask the sneaky lies that
55:03
creep into our thinking, no matter how hard we are trying to align with truth."
55:08
That's why we've gotta keep being in the Word, keep reviewing it, have
55:13
good conversations with one another
55:17
It matters
55:20
We have to be continually aligning our thoughts with truth
55:24
because there are sneaky lies.
55:28
And your attitude is the thing that has to be organized first and foremost.
55:32
Not your closets, not your pantry, not your fridge, not
55:36
your papers, your attitude.
55:39
Everything else flows from your attitude
55:43
Sophia said, "My eyes were opened to the atmosphere I was creating at home
55:48
by grumbling or despairing over how disorganized the spaces and routines were.
55:53
I resolved to organize my attitude and see each task and chore as an act of love
55:59
and service, and do it with a smile."
56:01
That's the kind of change that we want to see
56:04
Yeah.
56:05
Reagan says, "I finally realized that I want to do more things than I
56:09
would ever possibly have time to do."
56:11
It's like, yeah.
56:12
That's right.
56:13
That, that's most of us.
56:16
And I know it is hard to see your attitude when you're in it, which is
56:20
why surrounding yourself with women who are calling themselves out on
56:25
these things, um, who are going to help call you out when, you know,
56:32
like when you say something, it's like, "Eh, sounds like a problem"
56:41
That's what we all need.
56:44
We all need new patterns of thought.
56:46
We need to conform our thoughts to Scripture
56:53
And then when we do that, our actions also will be conformed to God's will for us
57:00
because we are do- we are, um, in His Word
57:05
And that's what we do inside Convivial Circle.
57:09
Uh, we, there are courses, there's community, there are seminars, kind of
57:14
like this one every week, not this long.
57:17
More pep talk, short, meaty pep talks every week on a particular monthly topic.
57:24
And I really wanna help you learn how to reject overwhelm, reject perfectionism,
57:32
notice it first so that you can reject it, and then give you really
57:37
concrete ways to, uh, grow out of it.
57:42
Um, it's all about helping you get the right things done cheerfully so
57:48
you can thrive in your home and help the family that you are, um, the
57:55
family home that you are creating, the family that you are nurturing.
58:00
And so, um
58:04
So for Organize October, there are going to be a ton of just new videos, new
58:09
episodes, an email every day if you're registered, which you can register for
58:13
free at simplyconvivial.com/october.
58:18
But we're going to be really applying this, um, and helping
58:24
one another, uh, see these lies and answer them and replace them.
58:29
And we're gonna go really, um
58:33
deep and personal on the application and inside Convivial Circle in October.
58:39
Organize October is also our theme inside Convivial Circle, and we'll
58:43
have extra support on organizing our attitudes for all of October.
58:47
So if you really wanna make October the time where you change your attitude
58:55
about the work that you have to do, then join by the end of Friday.
59:00
Everyone who joins between now and the end of the day tomorrow, Friday, October
59:04
2nd, I'm gonna send you a sticker pack and a printed alignment card in the mail.
59:11
So just a little get started, quick little present, um, if this is your
59:16
first time or if you're rejoining.
59:18
But if you, um, start your subscription in Convivial Circle for October, right here
59:24
at the beginning, I'll send you a little extra gift in the mail, and, um, and
59:32
I'll look forward to getting to know you.
59:34
Your attitude is always where we start in Convivial Circle.
59:39
We have a chat, all kinds of chat spaces and, um, courses and, um,
59:47
focus areas, brain dump prompts.
59:50
We have more than a dozen courses and master classes covering ar-
59:53
every area of home and mom life.
59:56
And when you join, I'll send you a DM asking, you know, what's kind of
1:00:00
going on right now, and I'll help you see where you should get started, uh,
1:00:04
which course you should start with.
1:00:05
We have a couple different paths that help you get extra accountability and
1:00:10
insight and support along the way.
1:00:14
We have all kinds of courses.
1:00:16
Uh, the community is just about to get started this Friday onâ¦
1:00:21
Which I guess is tomorrow, isn't it?
1:00:22
Um, no, it's next Friday.
1:00:25
Next Friday, we're starting Learn to Love What Must Be Done, the course,
1:00:31
which goes over homemaking basics.
1:00:33
But Tell a True Story is one of the modules in there
1:00:39
I guess you can see that up in the corner, learn to love what must be
1:00:41
done, uh, is what we're gonna be working on starting next week, and
1:00:46
then we're gonna get into, um, holiday planning and talking about festivity
1:00:53
and conviviality, um, for November.
1:00:57
So getting your attitude in line right now in October and figuring out how to
1:01:03
adjust and align your attitude right now i- this is just a real key moment.
1:01:10
Like October is prime time
1:01:15
because it feels possible, like we've got our school routines in place now,
1:01:20
and it's the space between starting school and having the holidays.
1:01:26
This is such a great time for getting your own heart and mind in a good spot so
1:01:34
then you can go into the holidays ready to be that cheerful atmosphere in your home
1:01:41
and put on the holidays and provide that convivial atmosphere that
1:01:49
you want to have in your home.
1:01:50
It actually starts not with your plans and not with your decorations.
1:01:54
It starts with you and what's going on in your head.
1:01:57
And so inside Convivial Circle, we will help you build a home life that you love.
1:02:02
You'll get personal attention, accountability, and guidance so
1:02:05
that you can fast-track your growth.
1:02:07
You can jump in.
1:02:08
W- Probably we're gonna tell you to start with Homemaking 101.
1:02:12
We're gonna pr- be practicing the alignment card all month, and this
1:02:16
is my favorite: we guarantee that your husband will notice a difference
1:02:20
in 30 days or your money back.
1:02:22
We have a 30-day money back guarantee.
1:02:24
Even if you joined for a year, and then at the end of 30 days, you're like, "No,
1:02:30
I don't think s- this isn't working.
1:02:31
This isn't for me.
1:02:32
I don't like it," or, like, "I just can't figure it out,"
1:02:37
we'll refund the whole thing.
1:02:39
30-day money back guarantee, and your husband's going to notice.
1:02:43
That's a part of the guarantee.
1:02:44
It's not just, "Oh, it didn't work for me," or, "I don't like
1:02:46
it," or something happened.
1:02:48
Your husband's gonna notice a difference if you do this
1:02:52
We have live weekly seminars that are relevant for every stage of life
1:02:56
and instant access to the replays.
1:03:00
Um, yes, Sarah says they're coworkers.
1:03:04
We're one another's coworkers
1:03:08
We have daily chat with like-minded women.
1:03:10
Now, I mean, there's daily chat happening, and it's an option to help you get that
1:03:15
support and encouragement that you need.
1:03:18
Of course, um, you don't have to be participating daily in
1:03:21
the chat to get the support.
1:03:23
We've got all kinds of different ways to help you fit it in.
1:03:27
But if you have a question or if you have something you're struggling
1:03:30
with, it's an active community.
1:03:33
There are over 700 women in there.
1:03:35
We have over a dozen mentor members who've been in Convivial Circle
1:03:39
for a long time and done all the coursework and are very helpful.
1:03:43
Older women who have, um, a great, helpful perspective.
1:03:47
It's not just me.
1:03:50
We have monthly Zoom live coaching calls where we chat about whatever course we
1:03:55
were just working on, um, on video, and it really is such a wonderful community.
1:04:04
So I hope you're gonna be a part of Convivial Circle for Organize October and,
1:04:10
uh, get your attitude, um, under control, organized, ready to go before, before
1:04:20
Thanksgiving, before family comes to visit, extended family brings more drama,
1:04:27
before Christmas and all the extra to-dos.
1:04:31
You can go into all of that able to handle an undone to-do list, able to
1:04:39
handle a day that did not go your way.
1:04:42
All these things that are just a part of normal life, we all have
1:04:46
to figure out and problem solve.
1:04:47
We need to learn how to handle them gracefully and cheerfully and
1:04:53
even gratefully, and that's what we help you do inside Convivial Circle
1:04:58
And if you join between now and end of day tomorrow, October 2nd, I'll send you some
1:05:06
stickers and a bookmark and an alignment card you can just put up right away.
1:05:12
Um
1:05:15
I hope you'll be making your own as well, but sometimes you just need that
1:05:19
shortcut, like, this is what I'm thinking.
1:05:22
This is what I'm doing right now.
1:05:24
And, um, stickers are always fun.
1:05:28
And I'll toss in a magnet there too.
1:05:30
You need a magnet.
1:05:32
Um, repent, rejoice, repeat magnet.
1:05:35
How about that?
1:05:36
Uh, so that, that's also a kind of alignment card.
1:05:40
Victoria.
1:05:41
Put a sticker on the back of her phone as her alignment card.
1:05:44
So that's, you know, we are fine with getting unconventional, but what we
1:05:49
want is truth in front of our faces.
1:05:52
And this is the message I'm going to be coming at from every angle I can think
1:05:57
of all month long, and I hope that you will try an alignment card, and that it
1:06:03
will help you keep God's Word in front of your face so that it shapes your thoughts
1:06:08
and then your choices and your life.
1:06:12
So thank you so much for joining.
1:06:15
You can, um, join Convivial Circle by going to convivialcircle.com.
1:06:23
If you haven't registered for Organize October, you can go
1:06:27
to simplyconvivial.com/october
1:06:30
and make sure you're signed up for all those good freebies.
1:06:33
And I will see you every weekday this month on my YouTube
1:06:38
channel, on the podcast, and by email if you're registered.
1:06:43
So, uh, every Monday we're gonna do a YouTube Live.
1:06:47
It'll be shorter than this one.
1:06:49
And we're, uh, I would love to hear during those your questions or
1:06:53
your circumstances, and we can, um-
1:07:00
You know, get that support to help ourselves expand our capacity and be
1:07:07
fully engaged with our life at home.
1:07:10
So thanks everyone.
1:07:11
It's been good to see you.
1:07:13
Thank you so much, uh, for participating in the chat.
1:07:18
Um, I didn't get a chance to keep up, but every time I looked over, I
1:07:21
saw some great comments over there.
1:07:24
So thank you and I will see you all month long