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BETWEEN SESSIONS: Be honest with your intentions · Mental Health Matters

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to Mental Health Matters Between Sessions with me, Dr.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Audrey Tang.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I reflect on something that's been bugging me during the week.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a solar reflection, it's a short little podcast, it may have bad language in it.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you like it, please check out my other Between Sessions podcasts or retrain your brain.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: This week I'm thinking about being honest with your intention.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is a phrase I've used a lot recently, and I've noticed other practitioners using it around me.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: It started a few weeks back when I was interviewing an eco-influencer about climate healthy practices, and making conscious choices was one of her key instructions.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: We often go through life not just on autopilot, but on old program patterns, which serve to keep our brain safe.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's why changes are really difficult to make without effort.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: We need to actively practice doing something different until our brain is convinced that that different thing isn't a threat, and life is actually much better for us in this new way.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's actually true, even if the old practices were unhealthy.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And we slip back because even if we've spent a month in new mode, we've likely spent over a year plus in the old.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Then I had a conversation with a men's health speaker about vulnerability.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this is of course a very positive thing.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I posed the question: what about those cryptic posts on socials where it really feels like someone is fishing for attention?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's likely their intention, was the response.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And he went on to discuss the difference between being vulnerable to support or to connect and oversharing for validity.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: So to break this down, some people might share their vulnerability because someone else has shared theirs, and it's a means to connect.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, that's so sad.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: When I lost my dad, I felt similar.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Others may share it to share growth and change.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I used to think that way too.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was always so angry, but then I started counselling and it made me realize.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And there's even a further option.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: If our nervous system is so programmed to explain everything, especially when we think we might be at fault, we might also overshare.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry I'm late.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I had a horrible time getting here, my car wouldn't start, and then I stepped into a puddle running for a bus.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then I accidentally went to the wrong floor.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is showing a lot of vulnerability of not winning the day.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But when we think about it, do we really want to share this?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: But for some reason, our nervous system needs to explain or over-explain everything, often to try and avoid any further imagined punishment.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to go into that one because this relates to our conditioning and it's too long and too complex a discussion for this blog or this podcast.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: But what I will say is if you feel that urge, recognize the person who conditioned you is not the person you are.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, be aware that some of those things that are causing you to overshare, that may not be your voice.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, the point is none of the above is wrong.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, it's not wrong to ask for attention either, as long as you're honest about your intention and aware of the consequences it might have.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: In nervous system overdrive, for example, you know, the I forgot my car keys, I stepped in a puddle, I lost where I was, etc.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: etc., it can actually give the impression that you are far clumsier than you actually are.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: You just had a bad time getting into work for it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: It happens.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: In the validity seeking example, you might get a few responses the first time, and then honestly, people might get a bit bored and a bit angry that you don't seem to realize that they have issues too.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or worse, they may use what you're posting against you.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: In both those cases, I would suggest that you may need some professional intervention to help you work through the real reason behind your needs, but as I always say, nothing is wrong, but just be honest.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what I mean by being honest with your intention.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Communication is data to a psychologist, and it should be data to us as well.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's information.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: As a person, unfortunately, communication can be emotionally annoying or emotionally supportive on the good side.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: But let's stay professional, let's look at it as data.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you know why you're sharing and what you're sharing, then the next step will be understanding what did you want to gain from that.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or you might realize the next step is getting help with what you need beneath the communication.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it might even be you can circumvent any awkwardness and state, I'm about to share this for validation.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay too.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's just about being honest.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So this is your challenge for the day.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, it's my challenge every day.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest with your intentions when it comes to your communication.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: What are you looking to do?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you asking for help?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sharing to connect?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Are you being passive aggressive?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: That is commonly one of mine.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are you doing it because you don't know how to stop?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Are you seeking attention?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is it anything else?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself those questions before you share, before you post, and then ask yourself, why am I doing this?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a better, healthier way I can get what I need?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying don't be vulnerable.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying don't share.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: But recognize that vulnerability is actually a very powerful gift.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: So use it and share with those who appreciate its value.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that appreciation starts with you knowing your intention.