Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #15: Why is My Adult Child So Angry With Me?

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#15: Why is My Adult Child So Angry With Me? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent who's wondering, why does my adult child hate me?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they so angry with me?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And why do they blame me for everything?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are not alone.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't know that though, because most parents will never share those feelings with anyone, out of shame and guilt, of course, but these are some of the most search parenting questions on the internet, specifically if you have an adult child, which tells me that a lot of parents are struggling with this painful reality.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the silver lining.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship with your young adult can heal.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're asking these questions, it means you want to rebuild and repair it.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, I'm going to share the seven most common reasons adult children feel this way, and more importantly, what you can do to help you both move forward.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin with you before we jump into what they might be going through.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: One of the deepest heartaches a parent can experience is the feeling that their adult child hates them.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You love them.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: You created a life for them.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: You've probably made a lot of sacrifices for them, and yet somehow you've ended up in a place where they treat you so badly.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they've even cut you off completely.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's confusing, it's hurtful, and it's frustrating because you really don't know what to do.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you're feeling unfairly blamed, that it wasn't all your fault, or you believe your child is just being ungrateful.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you think I did my best and it just wasn't good enough.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's a reality check: you can't change the past, but you can change how you proceed.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the way forward is about taking responsibility.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: A hurt child will never heal if their parents can't acknowledge the past as well as their feelings.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: But hear me out.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Being accountable isn't about feeling shame or guilt.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's about recognizing where things went wrong, where you might not have been acting in the best interest of your child, and letting them know that you are willing to make things right.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: To repair that relationship means validating their feelings.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that comes from you taking ownership.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: They are the child.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They came to you with unconditional love and they never asked to be put through whatever has happened to them.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know this is not easy to hear, but if you are committed to making amends and moving forward, this is your first step.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: So let's ask the question that every parent who is in this situation, and even those who are not, want to know.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Why is my adult child so angry?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Anger is such a powerful emotion, and when it's directed at you, especially from your own child, it can feel gut-wrenching, deeply unsettling, and even unfair.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: But if you have ever wondered why can't they just let it go, the answer is because this type of anger is often masking a deep pain that stems from emotional neglect, grave disappointment, feeling insignificant, unworthy, and possibly even unloved by you.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than asking them to let it go and move on, you're gonna have to listen to the reasons that lie beneath their anger.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you really don't know why your child is so deeply hurt, letting them express it is the only way the healing can begin.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that won't be easy for you.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, while every situation is unique, there are some common patterns that explain why adult children feel resentment towards their parents.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the seven most common reasons.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: First is unresolved childhood hurt.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: The key word here is unresolved.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Many young adults carry deep wounds from childhood.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't remember doing anything wrong, your child's perception of their experiences is what matters.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they felt criticized, overlooked, or emotionally neglected in ways you never intended.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, unresolved issues like these often resurface in adulthood, manifesting as anger.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: The next is unmet expectations.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: When parents let their children down.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you can remember yourself as a child, you naturally expected your parents to love, nurture, and protect you.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: But if your parent was abusive, emotionally unavailable, or even overly critical, it creates a profound sense of disappointment.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not how a parent is supposed to be.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about a child expecting perfection from their parents.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's about expecting to be treated with kindness and feeling unconditionally loved.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when those expectations aren't met, it can leave deep emotional scars that carry into adulthood.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: The next is a lack of emotional validation.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did you ever say to your child, stop crying, or give you a reason to cry?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or statements like, You're so dramatic, you're too sensitive, stop overreacting.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: If your child has ever felt dismissed when they shared their feelings with you, they may have stopped sharing them altogether until now when it's coming out as anger.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is when they might say to you, you were never there for me.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They don't always mean physically, they mean as an emotional support system.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: The next is a big one, especially for me.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I was angry, I mean, I probably was, but I felt bad for my mother more than I was angry at her.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: What I experienced is something that no child is ever ready for.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's called parentification, or in simpler terms, role reversal.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's when the child becomes the parent.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you a quick story.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: My mother was very ill, but she took it to another level.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Talk about being dramatic.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I understood it because I knew she never had enough attention as a child.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when she was in her early 40s, and I was a young teenager, she was hospitalized, and after that, she became the child.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: She had me making her coffees.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about taking hot water, adding a tablespoon of Nescafe and a couple of sweeteners, but I did it several times a day.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Once I had my driver's license, I had to run errands for her.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had to drive her around, and I was her sounding board.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: My mother was always dumping on me, and it was usually about my father.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't easy growing up as my mother's daughter or keeper.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: If I needed her, really needed her, she was there, but I learned quickly not to lean too heavy on my mother.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: She was just not a strong woman.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I ask you this: have you ever gone through a stage in your life when you relied too much on your child, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because it will leave that child deeply resentful.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: No child is meant to be their parents' emotional caregiver, at least not while they're still a child.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is such an important issue, I'm going to share some of the signs of parentification with you.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: The child was expected to comfort the parent during crisis.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: The child acted more like a caretaker than a kid.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: The child took on the parent's responsibilities.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: The parent overshared personal struggles and expected the child to support them.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what does this do to a child you wonder?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: It robs them of their childhood.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of them feeling safe, nurtured, protected, they felt they had to be the caregiver, the peacemaker, and felt responsible for managing the emotions of the very people who were supposed to take care of them.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty heavy shit.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you this: that level of burden isn't something kids easily forget.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as they grow older, they realize wait, that wasn't fair at all.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have been burdened with all of that.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: My parent should have been doing that for me.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that realization can lead to a lot of anger.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: The next one is called triangulation.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is when a child is pulled into the parents' relationship issues, often forced to take sides, mediate conflict, or provide emotional support.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: When a child grows up being the go-between within their parents' problems, it creates intense pressure and resentment.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now it doesn't have to be between the parents, by the way.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: It can happen with any triad, siblings, grandparents, whoever.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: When a child is placed in the middle of their parents' conflicts with other people, it creates a deep internal struggle.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: They grow up feeling used, feeling guilty, and often at the cost of their own needs.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's no chance that any child wanted that responsibility of being mediator, listening to hateful war stories, or worse, having to pick sides.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, that load just becomes so heavy.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And rather than continuing to engage in a relationship that feels so emotionally draining, many adult children resort to the only form of relief they know: distance.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or worse, no contact at all.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: There are a few other reasons to explain their anger, and I'll just touch on them briefly.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of autonomy is one.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is where a child may feel like they grew up being overly controlled by their parent.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: They were never allowed to make their own decisions, they were not encouraged or trusted to even act on their own behalf, even when it was age-appropriate.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: These feelings can lead to anger and the need for distance.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one, but I'm sure there are more, is the projection of personal struggles.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes anger at a parent is really displaced frustration about an adult's child's own life and their own problems.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: A struggling young adult who feels lost or unable to cope may look for someone to blame, and that someone is their parent.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Even mental health issues.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Even mental health issues, struggling with anxiety or depression, their anger may not even be fully about you, but because they didn't get the help they needed, they blame you.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Any one of these reasons can cause your adult child to become angry with you, so angry that the only way they can find peace is if they go no contact.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: In family therapy, this concept is called emotional cutoff, which is when the adult child distances themselves as a way to escape the emotional trauma of their upbringing.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: What we need to understand is that this act isn't about punishing or hating you.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: In many cases, it's an act of self-preservation.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: They feel the need to sever the connection in order to heal.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: The young adult is finally setting a boundary that they never had as a child, which might be the best course of action for you because this distance gives you the opportunity to figure out what your child went through and how you can help them heal.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, I'm hoping that you have a better understanding of why your child may be feeling this way, and it might not even come to you right away.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: But keep an open mind, be reflective, and imagine what it must have been like for them growing up in whatever environment they were exposed to.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, I want to leave you with some actionable steps that you can take to initiate the healing.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, I don't say this in the middle of any episode.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, I want to leave you with some actionable steps that you can take to initiate the healing.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, I don't often say this in the middle of an episode, but if you need any help broaching your adult child, you can always reach out to me.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I will offer five different strategies.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: First, acknowledge without defending yourself.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: If or rather when your adult child opens up about their pain, do not become defensive and say things like, that's not what happened.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, use statements like, I hear you, I never meant to hurt you, and tell me more about how you felt.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Second, apologize if necessary, which it probably is.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: If your child has any grievance, especially about emotional neglect, criticism, or being abuse of any sort, or being placed in an adult role too early, own it and admit it.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: A genuine apology can be the first step towards their healing.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, you can say something like, I can see now how much I've hurt you, or that I leaned on you when you were young, and that wasn't fair.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Admitting that you are remorseful goes a very long way.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, treat them like an adult whom you respect.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: They might be your child, but they are not a child.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's time now that you treat them as an adult.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Show them respect, even if they're struggling or going through a hard time.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: When an adult child is angry, it's often because they feel unheard, dismissed, and disrespected.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So speaking to them as an equal rather than from a place of authority helps them to feel validated and important.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you can say, You're an adult now, and I will respect your feelings.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: These words will help them move past their anger.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth is to set boundaries.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this works two ways.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: It sets you both up for mutual respect and consideration.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: If they need space, you must allow for that.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel they are being verbally abusive, that is not acceptable.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: To that, you can say, I love you and I want to work on our relationship.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you what you need, but I can't continue these conversations if they turn into personal attacks.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one is let go of the need for immediate resolution.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: This healing will take time.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: If your adult child has been carrying resentment for years, they won't drop it overnight.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: But small, consistent efforts will help rebuild trust.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to show them through your actions that you're open to listen, respectful of their wishes, and you're willing to do whatever it takes, and then give them time and space.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Before we end this episode, I want to mention two very important distinctions that can make a world of difference for both you and your child.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: The first is this one of the biggest barriers to repairing a relationship is denial.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's so uncomfortable to admit that our actions, even unintentionally, may have contributed to our child's pain.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: But denial keeps us stuck and it prevents their healing.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Be very aware of making comments like, it didn't happen that way.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't that bad.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I was raised, and so on.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of denying your actions, it's more important that you honor their feelings.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And because we started off talking about what you're experiencing, I want to finish this by acknowledging you and your upbringing.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents unknowingly repeat the actions of their own childhood.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents, abusive parents, or any type of trauma, this could explain why you did things in certain ways to your children.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: We call this transgenerational trauma.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: It means the passing down of unresolved emotional wounds, of dysfunctional patterns, and psychological pain from one generation to the next, often without conscious awareness.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: But by you recognizing now that this might have happened because you never healed from your own wounds, you have the capacity to break this cycle with your children.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to blame yourself.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like you to feel empowered and believe that you can be better, you can do better.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: I know this episode wasn't easy, but the fact that you're still here listening to this means you care, and that's what matters most.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: On a positive note, relationships can heal, even if they've been strained for years.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with an open heart, active listening, compassion, communication, taking ownership, healing, and moving forward.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: If today's episode resonated with you, I invite you to keep listening, keep learning, and most importantly, keep showing up for your adult child and for yourself because it's never too late to build a better relationship.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.