Latest / Ambitious Podcast / EP.96: Reclaiming Safety After Trauma & What It Taught Me About Power w/ Tyler Blankchtein | The Ambitious Podcast

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EP.96: Reclaiming Safety After Trauma & What It Taught Me About Power w/ Tyler Blankchtein | The Ambitious Podcast · Ambitious Podcast

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  I was told often that I was too much, though.
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  At some point I started making myself smaller and smaller and
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  smaller. It's a big psychological fuck to
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  your brain and your soul. I let myself down and that's
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  frustrating and it's scary. Where else in your day-to-day
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  life are you really allowed to be primal in that way, or even
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  just to relief? There's not a lot of invitation
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  for women to do that. Violence is rarely the answer,
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  but when it is the answer, it is the only answer.
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  You can't truly call yourself peaceful unless you're capable
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  of great violence. If you are not capable of
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  violence, you're not peaceful. You're harmless.
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  You can be soft and savage. The.
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  Mental toughness, the confidence, the self trust you
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  would have in a way. Hello and welcome back to
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  Ambitious. Today we are joined by an
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  incredible guest. I will tell you this is one of
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  the first episodes that I have ever recorded that has gone well
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  over an hour. And that is because the
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  conversation just kept going and I was so activated that I just
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  honestly, we could not stop. Today we are diving into
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  something that is going to completely shift the way that
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  you think about power and safety and what it really means to
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  truly trust yourself as a woman. This conversation is also going
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  to dive into those topics around those women.
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  Maybe yourself, you resonate with the idea of being too much,
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  maybe you're too aggressive, you're too intense.
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  And why those actually may be some of your greatest strengths
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  and your greatest gifts as a woman.
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  Today I am joined by Tyler. She is a self-defense instructor
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  and personal protection specialist who works with Masada
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  Tactical. She specializes in helping women
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  to reconnect with their inner power through Israeli combat
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  training. But what makes her most
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  incredible and most transformative is that she
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  understands this work is also not just about physical defense.
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  It's also about reclaiming the parts of yourself that you may
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  have had taken or maybe through life experiences have been
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  dimmed along the way. Today, Tyler talks about in the
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  episode a lot of her own journey and the journey of the
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  incredible women that she has helped to tap back into their
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  power. She has survived abusive
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  relationships and overcome some significant trauma.
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  And she speaks with unwavering strength about the life changing
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  decision to choose yourself and step fully into your power.
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  And she doesn't just teach self-defense techniques, but she
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  also helps women to unlock the fierce kind of protective energy
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  that really, frankly lies within all of us.
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  So I want to share, do some of the things that you're going to
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  take away by listening today #1 why women who think that they
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  are not the type for self-defense are often the most
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  profound transformations that they see.
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  She's also going to talk about how playing the What If game can
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  actually allow your brain to respond to dangerous situations
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  around you. She talks about the.
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  Difference between toxic masculinity and true masculine
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  energy, and why being surrounded by strong men who can hold space
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  for your highest feminine potential is actually life
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  changing for women. She'll discuss how to tell if
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  you've been making yourself smaller in order to survive, and
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  why learning to be soft and savage allows you to feel both
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  safe and empowered in not only your relationships, but also
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  your business. She also shares a quote violence
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  is really the answer, but what it is, it's the only answer.
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  This philosophy she will break down and why understanding this
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  changes how you will move in this world as a woman.
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  She also will talk about her approach to stress and training
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  through stress that teaches you how your body really responds
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  under pressure and with this how you can train it to respond
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  differently. She'll lastly discuss how
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  trusting your intuition is not about profiling people, but
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  honoring your energy and your nervous system and how to tune
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  in to pick pick up before your conscious mind even picks up on
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  what is happening. These are one of those episodes
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  where you're going to feel like you want to run through a wall
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  by the end of it. After talking to Tyler, I was
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  like, I am signing up for classes, let's go.
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  This got me so fired up and just really allowed me, even as the
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  person asking questions, to tap into what is the power that I'm
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  not honoring in me? Where is a way that I can
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  reclaim some of the power that maybe I've lost along the way?
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  And I will just say it is it is a very different episode than
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  we've done on Ambitious. And you were going to love every
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  minute of it. So without further ado, let's
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  get into today's episode with Tyler.
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  All righty you guys. Welcome back to Ambitious today.
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  I'm so excited to be joined by today's guest.
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  If you scroll through even like 30 seconds of her socials, you
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  are going to realize how much more badass you could be as a
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  woman. And so I felt the same way when
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  I went through her stuff and being able to have her as a new
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  friend. And I am so excited to dive in
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  today to all things about helping us as women to really
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  tap into our power, especially after going through things in
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  life that maybe have impacted your power or potentially even
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  taken it away for a season. So with all of that being said,
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  Tyler, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me.
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  I'm so excited to chat today. Yeah.
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  I'm excited to dive in. I feel like we were just talking
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  before we press record and I feel like there's a million
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  places we could go. But I, I, maybe for someone
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  who's new to you, give us like the Cole's notes of what it is
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  that you do day-to-day when it comes to the context of tapping
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  into power. Because I feel like once people
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  hear this, they're gonna be like, OK, let's go.
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  Cuz let's just be honest. You're a complete badass, right?
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  Maybe. I don't know if you self
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  describe, but I describe you as a badass.
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  Thank you. I'll take it.
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  Someone's gotta tell it to me because, you know, as a woman,
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  and I'm sure we'll dive into the topic.
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  You know, it's really hard to see ourselves in a certain
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  light, especially when it comes to feeling empowered or positive
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  or in control, though I, it's nice hearing it always, whether
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  from you, my husband, you know, my Co workers, students, But
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  first and foremost, I'm, I'm a wife and a mother.
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  So that is super important to me.
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  But when it comes to my day-to-day, every day is
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  different. Every day is different.
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  And my husband and I, well, he owns a company, it's called
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  Masada Tactical. Part of that.
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  We have several umbrellas underneath.
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  That's like the main one. We work with hospital systems,
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  we work with, you know, private investigators.
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  We work with school systems and synagogues and churches and
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  yeah, law enforcement agencies all over the country.
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  But our other thing, our civilian based program is a
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  self-defense school. So about five years ago now, I
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  got certified to be one of the instructors.
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  I started taking classes at Masada and I can tell you that
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  story too. It's pretty funny, but a little
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  bit of a tangent actually, just to give it some context.
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  When I first met BK, my husband, all I could think of is I want
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  to know more. I want to, I want to do this.
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  And I thought I had to go through all of these steps,
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  maybe join law enforcement and do all of these things to, to
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  even be remotely considered to be in his world.
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  And that was so far from the truth.
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  As soon as I showed up and started taking classes, him and
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  one of our other instructors were like, you've got to work
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  here. And I, me, no, you know, having
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  that self doubt, but I did and and I started to right away, we
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  hit the ground running really quickly.
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  And so I've been training for four years since and became one
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  of the instructors. And yeah, so teach students of
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  all ages levels. I've taught children anywhere
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  from 3-4 to probably someone in their 80s, but teaching
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  self-defense and, and our system is very unique.
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  We call it Israeli combat system.
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  That's what my husband calls it. It refers to it as because Krav
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  Maga being an Israeli created martial art system in a sense,
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  or self-defense system, came to America and started to become
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  more watered down. And that my, my husband refers
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  to and, and I will refer to him and use him a lot because I've
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  learned many, many things through him over the years.
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  And he is, he is the native Israeli.
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  So when I quote things, I'll, I'll be sure to mention him and
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  credit him for that. But it became very watered down.
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  So he wanted to make sure that it held its integrity from how
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  it originated and to really get across the mindsets, you know,
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  Rav Maga, Israeli combat system, self-defense.
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  It's a mindset. It, it's got to start with
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  inside you. It's not just the physical part
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  of it. That's that's a little bit.
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  I mean, day-to-day it's really different.
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  You know, I have a teaching night here.
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  I'll assist with him and other classes, wear and carry classes.
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  So someone that wants to purchase, own and carry a
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  firearm. I help with tactical classes.
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  We travel a lot teaching, kind of like the Jack of all,
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  everything of none. Yeah, yeah.
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  But, but I will say, like I do find most enjoyment in teaching
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  self-defense, but particularly to women or someone that feels
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  incapable of taking care of themselves, someone that feels
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  like it's not right for them or that they're scared, someone
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  that is, is fearful of it, but you know that they need it and
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  will benefit from it. And those are my favorite type
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  of people to teach so. Well, I wonder with like you
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  know kind of in the essence of the aspect of like your inner
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  power. I know that you guys obviously
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  the physical aspect of it, but for the people who go into
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  wanting to learn self-defense, do you think it comes from the
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  physical or is it so much more about the mental of the actual
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  like root of the why they're there?
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  So that's a great question because it really, in my
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  experience, it varies person to person.
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  So for example, some women and men will come in and say, you
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  know, I really want to get in shape.
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  You guys sound like the great place for me.
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  And I'm like, cool, great, let's start there.
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  Then they go through a class and by the end, they're like, Oh my
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  God, this is exactly what I needed.
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  You know, I didn't expect this. This way far surpassed my
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  expectations. And you're.
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  Yeah. Great.
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  But then a couple classes in and they're like, wow, I didn't
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  expect the mental shift to happen.
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  So some people come in looking for that physical change, while
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  others, they seek the interchange.
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  And you'll find a lot of those are women, a lot of them are
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  women, but a lot of them are actually former military men
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  looking to reconnect into a community and a brotherhood that
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  they had in the military and, you know, have trouble finding
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  that after in their environment. So man, we've connected with so
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  many different types of people looking for something, whether
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  it's that physical, mental, but they both mesh and they meet in
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  the middle, right? And I find talking about women
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  specifically, you know, some will come in and especially
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  those that have been in maybe an abusive situation or maybe
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  they've been attacked before or been in those scenarios where
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  their hair stood up on the back of their neck way too often.
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  So the coolest thing with teaching someone that's been in
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  that situation is they come in with their head hanging at a
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  certain level and if it leaves with just a couple notches,
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  their chin a couple notches higher.
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  We did. We did what?
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  Is that why you think that there's more women who are
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  seeking that is like, I would be curious what your thoughts are,
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  because I think that the environment has always been at
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  times difficult for women in the sense of safety, right?
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  Like there's so many cultural things that we normalize of if
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  some there's a group of men walking towards you, you go to
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  the other side of the street. Like there's just these things
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  that we not even say consciously, but I think just
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  have been kind of given to us or programmed into us as, as
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  patterns. And not to say that they're not
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  fair in the sense of safety concerns, but I'm wondering, do
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  you think that the volume of women that are coming to you, is
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  it because you feel like this is connected to just like they feel
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  less safe? Or is it from the fact that they
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  just want to kind of tap deeper into their power?
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  Or maybe both? I think maybe both would be
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  would be a valid answer and and I've got to answer just on on my
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  experience. I can't speak for anyone else
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  except for myself and what other members and women that I've
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  taught over the years have shared with me.
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  And I find that it's a pretty even amount.
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  You have the women that come in that, you know, have their older
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  brothers, and they're like, yeah, they had older brothers.
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  And they're rough and tough and, you know, they're super
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  aggressive and, like, fiery and they're hysterical.
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  So for me, I don't need to teach them as much to pull that
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  aggression out. I don't need to reach in and
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  pull that aggression out. For them.
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  It's the women that come in that they think all this, maybe this
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  is a good idea or maybe their friend suggested it or they're
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  just getting dragged because so and so they're standing in the
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  back of the class, you know, they're kind of hiding.
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  They're, you know, I don't really, I'm just here because I
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  have to be kind of thing. There are some moments like that
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  and I find that once I kind of reach in or get to a spot in
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  their brain and their heart and really into their soul, this is
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  like a really deep thing and you see that switch turn on.
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  That is one of my favorite parts of teaching because it's usually
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  the people that are least likely, whether they believe it
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  with themselves or they're just giving off that energy when they
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  come into your class and kind of when you least expect it,
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  they're the one to least expect. They'll come to you afterwards
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  and say, wow, thank you. Yeah, you you've changed the way
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  that I think about things. You can do that in one class.
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  I mean, that's powerful. Crazy.
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  Yeah. Well, I think it, I would
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  imagine there's an aspect of it which is like you're introducing
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  them to a part of themselves they've never, maybe never been
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  able to access before or have been scared to or didn't even
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  know they had. I think identity wise, we kind
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  of have this like identity as women as we grow up of like who
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  we know ourselves to be. So even to your point, if
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  someone has had their power taken away, you may even have
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  that identity, which is the fact that you don't have power,
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  right? So whatever that is when you
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  come in. But I do know like for me
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  growing up. I.
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  I was always told that I was too aggressive.
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  So like they had me in. I remember I played hockey and
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  my whole family played hockey. I had two brothers and a sister.
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  Everyone played hockey and they pulled me out of hockey because
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  I was basically checking girls into the boards because the boys
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  were allowed to do it. So I was like, why wouldn't we
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  be allowed to do it as women? That doesn't make any sense to
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  me. And so then they put me in
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  basketball and then I was too aggressive in basketball.
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  So they were like, no, no, we got to take her out of that.
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  So they one after another of these sports because they all
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  were not technically contact sports.
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  They were like, we don't know where this aggression is coming
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  from, but like she's it wasn't welcomed in those spaces.
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  And so I always had this like identity of I was like.
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  Too. I had too much of that.
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  As to your point earlier, that aggressive energy within me, and
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  so their plan was they put me in drums so I could basically bang
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  it out on a drum set and hopes that that would fix it.
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  It didn't. It didn't put you in initial art
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  class. Yeah, exactly.
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  I was like no one thought boxing, but it's interesting
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  because when I got older, I remember one of my friends was
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  going to a gym and going boxing. So OK, I'm going to come.
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  And I as soon as I didn't even do it for that long.
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  But as soon as I started, it was like I became obsessed because
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  of the outlet that it was. And for me, I felt like it was
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  like a safe space to just be able to channel and process
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  emotions. But on the contrast I think
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  about the. Girl who?
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  Maybe even is listening and is like, you know, but I'm quiet
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  and I'm not like I'm not the kind of person that I see myself
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  identifying with this. And yet you're saying often
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  times that person is the one who actually gets the most or the
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  most interesting benefit or unlock from it.
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  Yeah, well, lots to be said on that, which it's funny to me.
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  And I could definitely feel that about you just in this it it
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  just in an energetic type of way.
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  And I see you and I've been following you and listening to
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  your podcasts and seeing how you present yourself.
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  And, you know, it is hard to judge someone right away and me
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  say like, oh, she was definitely like that.
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  But as you say it, it's like, well, I could see that that
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  makes sense. And I was the opposite.
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  So believe it or not. And I was told often that I was
• 17:17
  too much. Too loud, too much like the
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  boys, too funny, too silly, too inappropriate, just too much.
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  Though at some point I started making myself smaller and
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  smaller and smaller, which eventually I ended up into in a
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  relationship as a teenager that further exacerbated that
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  feeling. And it took me a long time and I
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  am still unlearning things within myself to rewire how I
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  think and how I feel about myself.
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  So going back to it's in teaching it.
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  So if you came, and I'm not saying that you would do this,
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  but I find that the ones are a little more feisty and fiery.
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  And so in the experiences that I've had with them, like they
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  have gotten a little reality check from me.
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  Let's just say that when teaching, because they come in
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  and they're, they're, and they're doing the skills and
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  they're going through everything.
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  And they're like, I asked them to demonstrate.
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  I'm like, cool. They're not afraid to put their
• 18:28
  hands on someone. They're not afraid for me to put
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  their hands on them. So, you know, in a, in a
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  demonstration aspect, it's a little easier because sometimes
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  you get people that are a little fearful or they won't show you,
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  you know, as explosive. But I remember I had one
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  student, we were doing chokes from the front, so where someone
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  comes and they put their hands around your neck and she came at
• 18:52
  me like full force into the wall.
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  So but I executed the skill and it that much more valid,
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  validating that the skill works, first of all.
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  But second of all, you know, for me getting kind of like on the
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  offensive in a sense and kind of getting in her face and that
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  toned her down. So essentially, you know, a lot
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  of the times you have people come in and they're super
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  excited or they feel super confident or they feel like, you
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  know, I was always super aggressive, like I got this, you
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  know, this will be. But you've got to learn that
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  just because you're capable of aggression, which is half the
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  battle, if not most of the battle.
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  So you certainly have a one up there right away, but there is a
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  point where you do have to learn how to channel that energy
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  because it's not always about aggression and violence.
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  And there's a caveat. Most of the time you're going to
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  need different tools de escalation, Like you're
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  aggressive, but can you de escalate someone?
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  Can you regulate your nervous system?
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  You know so. And as you might have noticed,
• 20:00
  taking my voice a few pitches lower and lower.
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  Are you capable of doing that? So there's a trade off and, and
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  it's interesting, like you say that, you know, the people that
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  come in that are a little bit more aggressive, I'll tell you,
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  they get a reality check and when they're learning their
• 20:16
  skills, they kind of want to rush through and plow through.
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  And that's fine. We can meet in the middle, it's
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  no problem. But there's also a safety
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  element as well, you know, because we all come from
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  different backgrounds and having to put someone in the room that
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  say that grew up, you know, more aggressive and ready to
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  rock'n'roll versus someone that maybe had, you know, had hands
• 20:39
  around their neck a couple months ago and that where
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  they're triggered and they're right back in that situation.
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  So making sure that you're creating an environment that's
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  safe for everyone as well, if that makes sense.
• 20:51
  Well, I also wonder like as women, I've always sat with
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  this, which is there's always a subsection of women that are
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  considered and maybe even if you didn't grow up that way, or
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  maybe you weren't always naturally that way that are
• 21:03
  considered like aggressive or spicy is the way that I would I
• 21:06
  would maybe coined the term. But I I think about wondering,
• 21:10
  is that actually innately who they are or do they have to
• 21:13
  become that way because of life experiences?
• 21:16
  Right, Like I think about, you know, which I'm an open book to
• 21:20
  get into anything, but I I think about even for me, like I had
• 21:25
  two brothers. So that definitely was just a
• 21:27
  natural built in to defend yourself at any moment.
• 21:30
  But I think that to your point, like I remember dating somebody
• 21:33
  in high school and anyway, Long story short, it was not a good
• 21:37
  partner. He was very abusive emotionally,
• 21:41
  verbally, physically at times. And then you go through that and
• 21:47
  I think you build this like anger that you don't necessarily
• 21:52
  know what to do with. And I think then sometimes I
• 21:57
  would imagine like similar to this, if you don't have an
• 22:00
  outlet to, as you mentioned, in a controlled, safe, intentional
• 22:05
  way to release that you kind of present as someone who's
• 22:09
  considered spicy or aggressive. But that's really because you
• 22:12
  have, I would imagine a lot that is stuck basically as energy to
• 22:17
  your point inside. Yeah, couple things I can touch
• 22:20
  on there too, because I had the same exact experience when I
• 22:23
  mentioned dating someone in my teens, you know, still a child
• 22:29
  be with someone that calls you names that are inappropriate,
• 22:34
  that belittles you psychologically.
• 22:36
  It's a big psychological can I curse on here?
• 22:40
  Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. A big psychological fuck to your
• 22:44
  brain and your soul. I mean, and that's the nicest
• 22:48
  way that I can put it because not that I was aggressive, I
• 22:53
  would say growing up, I do have three older brothers, but the
• 22:56
  age gap was so big that I didn't grow up with them.
• 23:02
  So I was more raised like an only child and I I was a lot.
• 23:09
  I just had a big personality. I wanted to make everyone laugh.
• 23:13
  I wanted to, you know, love everyone, everyone to love each
• 23:17
  other. It was just kind of this like I
• 23:19
  was just big personality aggressive.
• 23:22
  Not necessarily, but I guess I did have my moments.
• 23:26
  Just not so much in the sense with like sports.
• 23:28
  I did do gymnastics, but again, you're more kind of, you're with
• 23:32
  a team, but you're also solo as well.
• 23:34
  And I did a couple other ones like lacrosse, you know, girls
• 23:37
  lacrosse, they can't actually check each other, right?
• 23:40
  And I'm like, well, the guys do like I kind of have.
• 23:42
  The same, yeah. But not so much the same action.
• 23:45
  It was actually more surprising to me when girls would do it.
• 23:48
  It was kind of like, oh, like, we're not supposed to do this.
• 23:51
  Like what's going on? But your point to bringing up
• 23:55
  the the fact are we born that way?
• 23:57
  Is it just ingrained in us or do we have to learn to be a certain
• 24:00
  way? And I would self proclaim to be
• 24:07
  very independent when I was younger because I had to be, I
• 24:11
  had to grow up quickly, you know, and, and I say that with,
• 24:15
  I should say that with air quotes because the term gets
• 24:19
  thrown around a lot. I've heard of having to grow up
• 24:22
  quickly or having to be, you know, the mom to younger
• 24:25
  siblings or, you know, whether you're taking care of your
• 24:29
  siblings or your parent situations where you know, with
• 24:33
  my mom having an addict parent, even a functioning addict
• 24:37
  parent, there are things that are missed in your childhood.
• 24:41
  And a lot of the times it's boundaries and trust and safety.
• 24:46
  So lacking trust, safety and boundaries and falling into a
• 24:53
  relationship that sabotages all of them even further.
• 24:59
  And the worst part is not losing that trust with them or not
• 25:05
  feeling safe around them. I would argue that the anger
• 25:09
  that you felt or that maybe I felt after was losing trust
• 25:16
  within yourself and the fact that how did I not see this
• 25:21
  sooner? How did I not use what I know in
• 25:25
  my intuition and realize that this was not OK?
• 25:30
  How did I not see it sooner? And to be angry because I don't
• 25:33
  know about yours but mine went on for almost 2 years and on and
• 25:40
  off to even go back to it. Why?
• 25:42
  I had a few close friends, about 3, but one that was like, this
• 25:48
  is not OK. You know, she told me what I
• 25:50
  needed to hear, but I wasn't ready to hear it.
• 25:53
  I didn't trust myself. And it made her sad because
• 25:58
  she's like, well, trust me. And another frustrating part
• 26:02
  too, with, you know, having my, my parent at the time, like my
• 26:06
  father had moved back to Indiana at this time.
• 26:08
  My parents separated and they were on very good terms.
• 26:11
  But my mom, I remember saying over and over, you know, if he
• 26:16
  does something to hurt you, like.
• 26:17
  I'll just, you know, kick his. Ass, you know this, just this
• 26:20
  and that. And I said, you know what he did
• 26:22
  to me? Why didn't you do anything?
• 26:28
  There was, you know, a lot of empty, I don't want to say
• 26:33
  threats and not empty threats, but just empty promises.
• 26:37
  You know, I'll keep you safe, OK?
• 26:38
  So why didn't you? And not that it's her fault, she
• 26:41
  did the best that she could with the tools that she had.
• 26:44
  But as a woman, to experience, you know, losing your trust,
• 26:50
  safety and boundaries with yourself, with your parents, and
• 26:53
  then just getting sucked into this, It's just a constant, just
• 26:58
  shredding apart any part of you that you trust to listen to
• 27:04
  yourself. And that's been the most
• 27:06
  difficult thing for me, yet the most empowering thing is
• 27:11
  learning how to trust that again.
• 27:13
  And like you say, that anger that that comes with it, Like I
• 27:17
  truly believe it's just because, at least for me, I let myself
• 27:20
  down. And that's frustrating and it's
• 27:24
  scary. And so many women go through
• 27:26
  that, you know, and it's not to say place blame on anyone
• 27:30
  ourselves, but you're ultimately responsible for how you take
• 27:34
  care of yourself moving forward. And sometimes it does take a
• 27:37
  while. There's a lot of women that I
• 27:41
  know, even just in my immediate circle who have been, you know,
• 27:45
  some of them like physically assaulted or, you know, even as
• 27:50
  far as raped for some of them, there are some who have been
• 27:55
  roofied before when nothing physical happened, but it was
• 27:58
  just, again, the taking away of their control.
• 28:01
  There are people who I have, you know, very close to me who were
• 28:05
  in physically abusive relationships.
• 28:08
  And I think to your point, almost, you know, whether it's
• 28:12
  it could be parents, it could be partner, it could be stranger,
• 28:18
  but I think we're girls of what it is.
• 28:20
  It like takes a piece of you like you have this part that
• 28:23
  you're like, OK, I need to figure out who I am with this
• 28:26
  piece either taken or impacted. And obviously, I know the heart
• 28:31
  of what you do is kind of helping people to tune back into
• 28:37
  that power. And so I'm thinking for the
• 28:39
  person listening who maybe has had, you know, like you're
• 28:42
  saying, maybe there was a very difficult upbringing or maybe
• 28:45
  there was a traumatic or multiple traumatic events or
• 28:48
  partners or situations when someone feels like they want to
• 28:52
  get their power back or they want to feel like, quote UN
• 28:55
  quote themselves again, maybe there's two ways they've gone
• 28:59
  outward and become, you know, more outwardly aggressive as
• 29:01
  kind of a way to cope. Or maybe to your point earlier,
• 29:04
  they've got they know and I've seen this in some people, they
• 29:08
  go through something and they themselves become a shell
• 29:10
  because they just are like, I retreat inward to just kind of
• 29:13
  feel like that's the way I'm going to be safe is to not be
• 29:15
  seen to just kind of blend like not kind of, you know, I guess
• 29:20
  have a power and a presence. Because in that I would imagine
• 29:23
  having power and presence is vulnerable, right?
• 29:25
  You're putting yourself out there when someone knows that
• 29:28
  part of them has been changed or will forever be impacted by
• 29:31
  this. How do you guys like, I'm
• 29:34
  thinking if someone came in to work with you and you
• 29:36
  acknowledge that this event or thing has happened, how does
• 29:39
  that play into work for you guys?
• 29:40
  Does it have a role in helping them to kind of get their power
• 29:44
  back and find themselves again? So again, everyone's different
• 29:50
  in their stories and their backgrounds.
• 29:53
  You know, I've seen women that have taken an instance that they
• 29:57
  were involved in come in and say, you know, hey, I'm ready to
• 30:01
  rock. I need to do this because I was
• 30:03
  assaulted 2 months ago on the job.
• 30:05
  I make moments where, you know, I go back there, but I'll
• 30:08
  communicate that with you and we make sure that, you know, we
• 30:11
  relay the same and that we have those conversations.
• 30:15
  But you have someone that may have experienced the same thing
• 30:19
  and they're completely frozen, right?
• 30:21
  We all have a different response for survival, you know, our
• 30:24
  fight or flight responses. And now we have fight, flight,
• 30:27
  freeze. You know, there there's so many
• 30:29
  different ones that we go through.
• 30:32
  And I'll tell you in in my experience in my relationship, I
• 30:36
  think that really my survival instinct was just a freeze.
• 30:39
  It was just to do whatever he said, keep him happy.
• 30:42
  You know, if I do this, even if I was wrong and just cry and
• 30:46
  cry. And then I have women that come
• 30:48
  in here and they're like, yeah, you know, someone assaulted me,
• 30:52
  but I'm ready to take my Bower back.
• 30:53
  And they, they already come in and knowing that that's what
• 30:56
  they're missing and that's what they want and what they need.
• 30:59
  And then there are some that just didn't even realize that
• 31:02
  that had been taken away from them or that they were taught,
• 31:07
  you know, they they may have grown up being taught that, oh,
• 31:11
  you're, you're a lady, you need to sit proper and can you
• 31:14
  yourself in a certain manner and this and that.
• 31:16
  Yeah. These girls come in.
• 31:17
  They're like. So I think no matter what,
• 31:24
  validating each person's experience and giving them the
• 31:31
  tools to utilize them, you know how they need to.
• 31:38
  I will say for me, and I'm thinking of several people as,
• 31:43
  as we talk about this, because there have been different
• 31:45
  scenarios, some young teenage girls, some even younger than
• 31:48
  that, you know, women in their 40s, women in their 50s and 60s,
• 31:53
  you know, just just really depending.
• 31:55
  Women in their 70s having an abusive, you know, partner.
• 31:59
  I did, yeah. I did a dignitary job there.
• 32:01
  I was someone's escort essentially, and I had to take
• 32:07
  her back to her place where her abusive husband was and get some
• 32:10
  belongings and leave. But this was an elderly couple,
• 32:13
  you know. And you know, some people said
• 32:16
  something like what I'm like, age doesn't stop.
• 32:19
  Yeah, age doesn't. Yeah, this.
• 32:21
  Kind of thing. And I remember getting a card
• 32:24
  from her after like thanking me and that was just well worth
• 32:29
  everything. And also I think when I started
• 32:34
  I was like, I want to do this. I want to learn more about it, I
• 32:38
  want to teach it. I want to help others.
• 32:40
  I want to help others, not realizing how badly I needed it
• 32:43
  for myself. I think kind of like therapists,
• 32:47
  right? They say like, oh, help people,
• 32:50
  They just want to learn about them.
• 32:53
  They want to help people too. But.
• 32:55
  Yeah, that's. Many that I've heard that have
• 32:58
  shared their experience, they're like, you know, the things that
• 33:01
  I learned about myself or I went into it because I wanted to heal
• 33:04
  myself. And I think for me it was, it
• 33:09
  was an obvious thing in a sense, but I didn't realize how deep
• 33:12
  rooted it was, you know, the the catharsism of going in and, you
• 33:18
  know, because we don't just have you punch a punching bag or, you
• 33:22
  know, do some physical fitness drills.
• 33:25
  You know, we do what we call stress inoculation drills.
• 33:28
  So we replicate scenarios that could happen to you in a safe
• 33:34
  environment, but we get your stress levels up and everyone
• 33:40
  reacts differently. And that's when you start to see
• 33:43
  that fight flight fond free, all the things you start to see how
• 33:48
  different people react. And that gives you a sense of a
• 33:51
  baseline of where you're starting.
• 33:52
  Because we can change it with training.
• 33:55
  And a lot of the times I think too is it's going to sound
• 33:59
  weird, but you fake it till you make it in a sense.
• 34:03
  And I and I say that because let me give you an example.
• 34:08
  So you come in and start training with me and I'm just
• 34:12
  like, all right, to warm up, you're just, I'm going to hold a
• 34:14
  tombstone. What we call a tombstone.
• 34:16
  It's like a punching pad. Yeah, I'm going to hold this and
• 34:19
  you're going to punch me hard and fast for 30 seconds.
• 34:24
  And, you know, kind of like, OK, and some people come in and
• 34:29
  they're ready to rock and they're like knocking across the
• 34:31
  room and you're like, they had some pent up aggression.
• 34:33
  Those are the angry ones, right? Like they've got something to
• 34:37
  prove, something to let out. Like you say that outlet.
• 34:40
  Then you have other ones that are kind of like beep, beep,
• 34:42
  beep. And they don't.
• 34:44
  They're like, well, I just don't want to hurt you.
• 34:46
  And I'm like, that's not why you don't want to hit me.
• 34:50
  That's not why. So like I'll take it for now,
• 34:54
  but we're going to change that. I'm going to make you feel safe
• 34:58
  enough that you feel comfortable to hit me because you trust me.
• 35:04
  You trust that I'm going to hold the space for you to release
• 35:07
  whatever you need to. And an example of kind of the
• 35:14
  the stages of escalation. Someone starts and maybe maybe
• 35:18
  there are whaling going balls to the wall.
• 35:21
  Maybe they're hitting kind of light and and it's going to look
• 35:25
  crazy. It's going to be a mix of like
• 35:26
  slapping and kind of like punches like crazy, you know,
• 35:29
  forms all over the place. Fine, That's not what we're
• 35:32
  looking for. What we're looking for is
• 35:36
  whatever they have inside that comes out at that moment and
• 35:38
  then tweaking from there, like learning.
• 35:41
  OK, here's where we're starting with.
• 35:43
  And when I started, it was, you know, it looked like, OK, I'm
• 35:47
  just trying to show off because my first and was with my
• 35:50
  husband, whom I was not dating yet or, or anything like that.
• 35:55
  It was like this handsome man that I had some kind of
• 35:58
  attraction to, not some kind like a Joe.
• 36:02
  And he's like, hit me as hard as you can.
• 36:04
  And I'm just like, you know, I'm like.
• 36:07
  Hopefully I look cute doing this right but.
• 36:09
  Look cool, look cool, look cool. How do I do this?
• 36:12
  And it was just a hot mess. And he's talking.
• 36:13
  He's like, did you get your haircut since the last time I
• 36:15
  saw you? Did you do that?
• 36:16
  And I'm like, Oh my God. Whereas now if someone, even him
• 36:22
  were to be like, all right, hit me as hard as you can for 30
• 36:24
  seconds. Not only is my form better, but
• 36:27
  my confidence in my application of what I'm doing is tenfold.
• 36:33
  You know, you're going to see a difference and what the point
• 36:36
  that I'm trying to get to is. I was quiet the first time that
• 36:40
  I hit him. Just just punching, OK, Just
• 36:44
  working on the punching, breathing.
• 36:45
  And he's, you know, we're guiding members through whether
• 36:48
  it's him guiding me or me doing it with someone new, you know,
• 36:51
  breathe, breathe. You got this, you got this.
• 36:53
  Keep going, keep going. And now I yell.
• 36:59
  Now I make it scary for whoever's holding the pad right.
• 37:03
  I used to think, oh, it's so weird.
• 37:05
  People making noises and grunting and yelling like I
• 37:07
  don't like this. Like I just like like you hear
• 37:10
  someone do it and your immediate reaction, if you're not used to
• 37:13
  it is like, Oh my God, you know, like what's going on?
• 37:18
  And now when I do it, it started from like, you know, here to and
• 37:24
  I'm going crazy, right. And not only is it a good brain
• 37:30
  disruptor, there's a term that we use, it's called the OODA
• 37:33
  loop. So constant things that are
• 37:35
  going on in your brain, your brain telling you know, your
• 37:38
  body and receiving information and putting out information is
• 37:42
  disrupting that OODA loop. So it's an acronym observe,
• 37:45
  Orient, decide and act. So observe something, Orient
• 37:49
  what's going on, make a decision and then act on it.
• 37:52
  So that would be like if you and I are talking and I just threw
• 37:54
  something at you, hopefully your hand can go up in a flinch
• 37:58
  response, but at least for a second you'd be thinking not
• 38:01
  what Tyler is saying. You're thinking what just got
• 38:03
  thrown in my face. So screaming can be that.
• 38:07
  Then that's a little bit of a tangent as well.
• 38:09
  But my point with that is, is the escalation and something as
• 38:14
  simple as hitting a punching bag or a bag, you know, it doesn't
• 38:17
  even have to be that other person because sometimes people
• 38:21
  find it not natural to hit another person.
• 38:25
  And especially when we start sparring, that's a whole other
• 38:27
  thing. Like just when I, I was feeling
• 38:29
  confident and learning new skills and they're like, OK, put
• 38:32
  gloves on. Now you're going to punch
• 38:33
  someone else and get punched. And it's like, what?
• 38:36
  No. Well, you mentioned something
• 38:40
  there that I was curious to unpack because I had someone
• 38:43
  recently in my circle. She lives in Canada here, and
• 38:46
  she just moved and she had someone a couple weeks ago who
• 38:49
  tried to break into her house. She was only one home.
• 38:52
  She's very similar to me. She grew up always being told
• 38:54
  she's too much, she was too aggressive, you know, all of
• 38:56
  these things. And she goes, we always joke
• 38:58
  about, you know, if someone had broke into my house, I had like
• 39:01
  you're, you know, like your mom was like, I kill him and all
• 39:04
  these things. She goes, Kate, my body didn't
• 39:05
  even move and she called 911 to be like, someone's breaking into
• 39:10
  my home. They're like, where are you?
• 39:12
  She's like standing in front of the door.
• 39:14
  And they were like, don't do that.
• 39:16
  Go to like move, go some go somewhere, right?
• 39:18
  Go do something. She's like Kate.
• 39:19
  My my legs felt like cement, like I just I could not move.
• 39:23
  She froze. And she just completely froze
• 39:27
  because you think in in these situations what you're going to
• 39:30
  do, and then your body just takes over.
• 39:32
  And so I'm curious in the work you guys do, like if someone
• 39:36
  maybe is even who's listening, thinking of a situation or
• 39:39
  something that they've gone through, whether it's big or
• 39:41
  small, even just be someone on the street who is confronting
• 39:45
  you in some way or you feel unsafe around when they do this
• 39:49
  work. Can they retrain their automatic
• 39:53
  response system to help them in those moments?
• 39:56
  Or does the body and the brain kind of just take over?
• 39:59
  I love that question because we're very big on in our system
• 40:04
  when we teach our skills is aligning it with the body's
• 40:09
  natural response systems and. To to throw an example, right, I
• 40:14
  throw a ball at your face, you're going to flinch.
• 40:17
  I push you back into a wall or towards something or to knock
• 40:20
  you over. Your hands go out right.
• 40:23
  Babies have it. Pediatricians do it.
• 40:24
  When you have a baby, they sit your little bobbly baby.
• 40:27
  On. On the bed that like, can't
• 40:29
  even, you know, keep itself upright.
• 40:31
  And they let go for just a second to see if they have that
• 40:34
  reflex. Most of us have it right.
• 40:36
  Of course, there's always going to be anomalies, but we use our
• 40:40
  system in when we teach our skills that so we actually just
• 40:45
  help what your body's natural response system is already doing
• 40:49
  and just facilitate that. But like I mentioned before when
• 40:52
  I said fake it till you make it, what I really mean is you've got
• 40:57
  to practice. You have to practice the
• 40:59
  repetitions physically, but I would argue one of the most
• 41:06
  important, if not even more important and something that
• 41:10
  everyone can do, even you leaving me today, is play the
• 41:14
  what if game. What do I mean by the what if
• 41:17
  game? I mean, what if someone came
• 41:19
  into your studio right now and they were being violent, making
• 41:23
  remarks, trying to take you out, whatever it is, what would you
• 41:27
  do? What are your options?
• 41:30
  You know, you've got headphones on your head, you've got tools
• 41:34
  in front of you, you've got a stick right there.
• 41:36
  I assume the way that your stuff is maybe mounted, maybe you have
• 41:39
  a hole, you have a weapon of opportunity is to start thinking
• 41:43
  like that because there are an endless amount of scenarios that
• 41:47
  could happen, whether it's you being at home, you walking to
• 41:51
  your car, you getting in your vehicle, right?
• 41:54
  Something as little as when I get into my vehicle, lock the
• 41:58
  doors when I put my vehicle into park, arriving somewhere, lock
• 42:04
  the doors as soon as you put it in park.
• 42:07
  A lot of cars nowadays will set off the lock system.
• 42:11
  They'll turn off, it'll unlock. No, immediately hit it again
• 42:14
  because most of us are not ready to get out of the vehicle.
• 42:17
  We sit there on our phone, we maybe touch up our lip gloss.
• 42:20
  We, you know, especially women, right?
• 42:22
  The guys maybe get a little something, got to move something
• 42:25
  out of the way. OK, we're doing a little
• 42:27
  something, something. Maybe we're on our phone not
• 42:29
  paying attention to what what's going on.
• 42:31
  But if you can remember to put your car in park and lock the
• 42:34
  door, OK, that could save you from someone trying to break in
• 42:39
  coming to you at point, you know, whatever the case may be,
• 42:42
  but starting to think of little things like that.
• 42:44
  When you walk to your car, do you check your phone?
• 42:46
  Do you have an Airpod in? Are you paying attention to your
• 42:50
  surroundings? You know, what side of the
• 42:52
  street are you? What you mentioned before about,
• 42:54
  you know, sometimes if we're out walking, whether it's alone or
• 42:58
  maybe with another girlfriend or boy, if you know George, whoever
• 43:02
  and with him is a little different.
• 43:03
  So let's leave him out of this for a second because.
• 43:06
  Well, he does talk about George does talk with us a lot, which
• 43:09
  is that it's interesting. He he, I remember we went to
• 43:12
  dinner and he said, you know, oh, the, the guy that just left
• 43:15
  with the blue shirt and I was like, who?
• 43:18
  And I'm thinking like I have no idea who you're talking about.
• 43:20
  And his obviously from his time as a marine, his spatial
• 43:25
  awareness at all moments and like never having his back to
• 43:29
  the exit of the door of the of the restaurant or wherever we
• 43:32
  are truthfully made me feel like I have been living my entire
• 43:37
  life completely oblivious. And I remember saying and
• 43:40
  mentioning this to someone who's from Canada.
• 43:43
  So granted, we don't have the exact same culture as other
• 43:46
  places, but they said to me, I don't want to have to live in a
• 43:51
  world where I'm worried about things like that.
• 43:55
  And it's interesting though, because there's so many events
• 44:00
  that happen day-to-day. And I'm sure even, you know, for
• 44:03
  me, for you, for the person listening, either you or someone
• 44:06
  you know has had some aspect of incident in their life.
• 44:11
  And so even to your point with the phone or with the
• 44:14
  headphones, I know even for me, I had said to to George, because
• 44:18
  I love to walk, I was like, I really want to get these noise
• 44:20
  cancelling headphones. Like they block everything out.
• 44:22
  And he was like, yes and no, because you're not wearing them
• 44:29
  out in the world. And I was like, yeah, but it's
• 44:31
  the best. You just tune everybody out.
• 44:33
  And he's like, yeah, no, because it means that you can't hear the
• 44:36
  guy coming behind you or woman on the trail.
• 44:40
  You can't hear an animal if you needed to.
• 44:43
  Like you couldn't hear anything depending on where you are.
• 44:46
  And so I think there's Congress saying earlier these like things
• 44:50
  that have been normalized as culture, noise cancelling,
• 44:54
  constantly looking down at your phone, always assuming like,
• 44:57
  well, I live in a safe neighborhood.
• 44:59
  So like that's not going to happen here.
• 45:01
  And some of those, I guess, like assumptions of like our cultural
• 45:04
  norms, I guess I would label them as, but I would imagine for
• 45:08
  the work that you guys do, you just see that as like, well,
• 45:11
  really that just is an indicator of opportunity for somebody.
• 45:14
  100% yeah, especially the headphones thing.
• 45:17
  It drives me nuts. Not even from like an EMF
• 45:20
  emitting radio frequency they get into like the that's.
• 45:23
  Its own conversation. That's a whole other
• 45:25
  conversation. But yeah, you know, I do love my
• 45:28
  wireless Beats headphones, but they have the noise cancellation
• 45:32
  option. And at home, when you know,
• 45:35
  things are good to go, my husband's at home, you know, the
• 45:38
  kids are there, the dogs, and I can just put the noise
• 45:40
  cancellation in and treadmill walk or a workout.
• 45:44
  Then it's like, all right, that's the time when you are at
• 45:48
  a place by yourself. Even if I was here right now,
• 45:51
  like I, you can't see what's in front of me, but I have my back
• 45:55
  to the wall. I can see everything in front of
• 45:58
  me. So I have, you know, a door on
• 46:00
  my right. They're locked.
• 46:02
  We have a locking system. It's only fobbed in by, you
• 46:05
  know, members that have their cell phones and people that we
• 46:09
  grant access to. Could it be forced open?
• 46:13
  Pretty much anything can at this point.
• 46:15
  But you know what's in front of me?
• 46:17
  Do I have tools of opportunity next to me?
• 46:19
  Yes, I do. You know, I can see out.
• 46:22
  I'm using the mirrors. It's just starting to think like
• 46:24
  that versus sitting at one of the high tops that are across
• 46:27
  from me and having my back to nearly pretty much everything
• 46:30
  except this one door, which that's a step in a better
• 46:34
  direction. But is it the best option?
• 46:35
  No, but like you say, just, you know, we live in such an
• 46:40
  oblivious world nowadays and such an online based world
• 46:46
  because oblivious in our day-to-day in moments like that.
• 46:52
  But we get this influx of information that's coming in
• 46:55
  online social media. What's happening in the world
• 46:58
  over here in this country, in that country, what's happening
• 47:00
  in our country, who's gotten assassinated, what school should
• 47:03
  have been, what's stabbing has happened, you know, and people
• 47:06
  love to share things immediately when they see them immediately
• 47:11
  and a lot of the time. So we don't have all the
• 47:13
  information yet because there are things contextually that
• 47:18
  that make a big difference. And when something happens.
• 47:21
  And it also pertains to self-defense as well.
• 47:24
  And I'll give an example of that, right.
• 47:25
  It would be one thing if someone attacked me, me being a a woman,
• 47:32
  and I'm not a large woman. I'm 5 foot two, 120 lbs.
• 47:35
  I'm not big. I'm not, I'm not this like big
• 47:39
  Broady, you know, female by any sense of the word.
• 47:42
  Like do it on the inside. Do I think I am?
• 47:44
  Yes. Absolutely my.
• 47:46
  Husband bought me a truck and I drive it and I'm like, yeah, I
• 47:49
  have like 6-4 energy in that, a big truck either, but I'm just
• 47:53
  like yeah. And then I see myself in the
• 47:55
  mirror and it's like, but if I say, you know, a person came up
• 48:03
  and attacked me and say I had to draw my weapon and, you know,
• 48:07
  engage them or, you know, I fought with everything that I
• 48:10
  had. If I just say, yeah, they
• 48:12
  attacked me. Or I say a man that looked to be
• 48:16
  6 foot four, £250, had a Krav Maga shirt on and he was
• 48:20
  screaming, I'm going to kill you.
• 48:22
  I can articulate how I escalated what I did much better than if I
• 48:30
  say, yeah, that person just attacked me.
• 48:33
  Providing context, it's called totality of circumstances.
• 48:36
  So taking everything, every teeny tiny variable that you can
• 48:40
  think of and applying that. So again, that being said
• 48:45
  contextually, like we are contextual humans, a lot of
• 48:47
  people are like, no, there's no context.
• 48:49
  Like, is this right or is this wrong?
• 48:51
  And sure, there are instances like that, absolutely.
• 48:53
  But more often than not, we're contextual human beings and
• 48:58
  we're selfish human beings. Survival is our first instinct.
• 49:02
  And a lot of people forget about that and they don't realize
• 49:05
  that. And when you get so detached
• 49:08
  from it, so desensitized to it, you know, the person that thinks
• 49:13
  that, Oh yeah, you know, if someone broke into my house,
• 49:16
  like, I'd take it, I'd kick their ass, blah, blah, blah.
• 49:19
  A lot of the times they're going to freeze, like you said.
• 49:21
  And. And nothing, nothing to her that
• 49:24
  that made. Yeah.
• 49:26
  I think for her it was, as you said, it was the awareness that
• 49:28
  she said like I've never had that situation happen.
• 49:32
  And so we, we talked through it and she said I'm from like a, a
• 49:35
  small suburb outside Toronto. And so we joke because there's a
• 49:39
  lot of people here who don't even lock their front doors just
• 49:41
  open all day and. It's kind.
• 49:43
  Of like, Oh yeah, so just all, you know, neighbors down the
• 49:45
  road or whatever, it's been unlocked for 20 years, blah,
• 49:48
  blah, blah. And it was interesting because
• 49:50
  she's from the same small town. She just recently moved.
• 49:52
  And it was interesting because I said you didn't open the door
• 49:57
  because I had thought, in what instance ever does someone knock
• 50:01
  on your front door? And you don't just automatically
• 50:02
  open it, like here culturally, right, You're just like someone
• 50:05
  knocks, you open the door. Like that's just, you know, it's
• 50:08
  probably a sales guy. It's somebody delivering
• 50:10
  HelloFresh, whatever it is. Like it's always somebody at the
• 50:12
  front door that's just selling something.
• 50:14
  So I said to her, OK, like, you didn't open it.
• 50:16
  She was the first time I never automatically opened the door
• 50:19
  like in the sense of she she could tell energetically
• 50:21
  something wasn't right. And it was because.
• 50:24
  She just said, I looked through with the people and I was like,
• 50:26
  something's not right here. And she's like in every other
• 50:28
  instance, I've always opened the door and this one time I didn't
• 50:32
  open the door and thankfully she's able to lock it, which is
• 50:34
  incredible. But with it really go to like
• 50:37
  show us culturally that we're like, whoa, I hadn't even
• 50:40
  thought about the fact that we just assume the person on the
• 50:42
  other side of the door is friendly and therefore you
• 50:44
  always open the door. And so you just start telling us
• 50:47
  like check in, as you said, with your lifestyle and say where are
• 50:51
  all the assumptions I'm making or where are all the areas in
• 50:53
  which I have assumed safety or been oblivious to things?
• 50:58
  Because I just believe, oh, that'll never happen here.
• 51:00
  That'll never happen to me, right.
• 51:02
  And then obviously to your point, until it does, yeah.
• 51:04
  And you mentioned something earlier that I definitely want
• 51:06
  to circle back to because I wanted to ask your opinion about
• 51:11
  this idea of the masculine, feminine.
• 51:13
  One of the things that yeah, here we go, here we go.
• 51:17
  I wanted I wanted to hear your opinion on this in two ways,
• 51:19
  because I think that being all generally speaking, female
• 51:26
  listener and for the ambitious podcast is mainly everybody is a
• 51:31
  female listener. And if you're a guy listening,
• 51:33
  you know, thank you, Hello, hello, thank you.
• 51:36
  But I think there's two sides you mentioned, one, that it's
• 51:40
  not girly, like people might look at this and be like, oh,
• 51:44
  it's, it's not feminine or it's not girly.
• 51:46
  And so like I have my own thoughts, which I'm sure are
• 51:49
  very similar to yours around that.
• 51:51
  But the other thing that I remember seeing a post of yours
• 51:54
  that I really resonated with and you talked about masculine men
• 51:59
  and your appreciation for what it meant to truly be a masculine
• 52:03
  man. I think there could be a
• 52:04
  misconception maybe that, like you said earlier, that the work
• 52:08
  you do is considered violence, that it's considered like
• 52:12
  something that would be considered aggressive.
• 52:16
  But I'm thinking, you know, as you mentioned earlier, there's
• 52:18
  also like a control, a mastery, a level of like respect, I would
• 52:23
  assume that is deep in like the underbelly of all of this.
• 52:27
  And so I feel like on both sides it it must be you must see both
• 52:31
  with men as well as with women. What are your thoughts about how
• 52:35
  this how you feel in it as a woman?
• 52:38
  And also how have maybe you seen this really create a divide
• 52:43
  between what we assume? Is a masculine.
• 52:45
  Man versus what you actually have seen as masculine men.
• 52:50
  And I know that's a big question, but I remember you
• 52:52
  sharing it on social and I'm like, that's so landed for me
• 52:55
  because I was like, I think that's a really.
• 52:58
  Big distinction. Yeah.
• 52:59
  I feel very passionate about it. And I know, like you said, a lot
• 53:03
  of your listeners, majority are going to be women.
• 53:07
  And I may ruffle some feathers, but that's OK.
• 53:12
  That's OK. But I feel like we live in a
• 53:17
  society where the idea of women, what we are, who we are, what
• 53:23
  defines us, what we should be has come a very long way in a
• 53:28
  very positive manner. Very much so.
• 53:31
  Let me just start off by saying that.
• 53:34
  But with that said, you know, there's, there's always like
• 53:37
  this pendulum, right? Whether you know, not to get
• 53:40
  into politics, like the right, the left, the, this, the, that,
• 53:43
  the labels, you know, there's always a pendulum swinging.
• 53:46
  And then one way, it's sometimes it starts to swing one way.
• 53:49
  And when it gets to the top, it's got to swing back and it's
• 53:51
  going to come back full force. And that's when you get radicals
• 53:54
  and something that kind of crept in from my observation is, you
• 54:00
  know, you've heard the term toxic masculinity, right?
• 54:04
  And then you get a little bit of toxic femininity as well.
• 54:07
  You know, there there's a little bit of both sides and you know,
• 54:10
  it's some people have gone a little bit too far in my
• 54:15
  opinion. And again, there was something I
• 54:17
  just shared yesterday actually, because I was like, I love this
• 54:22
  where this girl was speaking on a podcast.
• 54:23
  She's like, we don't need men like drinking her wine.
• 54:27
  He's like, we don't need men drinking her wine.
• 54:31
  Like they just make life a little bit of extra fun and this
• 54:35
  and that, like, OK. And then after that, it followed
• 54:40
  up with showing, you know, men in the workforce fighting fires
• 54:44
  and building your homes and taking like all of these things
• 54:47
  which I thought were so wonderful and beautiful.
• 54:50
  And it can be spun into the way. Well, well, there's not more
• 54:53
  women in it because they won't let us and da, da, da.
• 54:54
  And that's just entirely agree with this point.
• 54:57
  It can it. It's just going to be a cycle.
• 54:59
  But until you find the men that will hold space for you to be
• 55:06
  your highest potential of the feminine woman that you can be,
• 55:12
  that's when you know you found your masculine men.
• 55:16
  And we all have a little bit of masculine and feminine, right?
• 55:20
  The yin and the Yang, the balance, right?
• 55:22
  I actually have it tattooed on my arm, my husband, the other
• 55:25
  piece. But there's a flow, and we need
• 55:28
  each other. You know, you don't have to be
• 55:31
  together, OK? Everyone has their loves, the
• 55:33
  way that they identify their quarks and stuff, and that's
• 55:36
  fine. But we need each other.
• 55:38
  We balance each other out. And I could go on and on about
• 55:42
  that forever. But how it applied to me and
• 55:44
  what I meant by it in the work that I do was being with a man.
• 55:49
  And I would argue to say several men.
• 55:53
  That sounds like a lot just a couple to be with so many men no
• 55:58
  to but to experience in either a courtship or an actual developed
• 56:04
  relationship of a man who had no sense of his masculine weak men.
• 56:11
  Men that have may have had some things happen in their lives and
• 56:15
  that's fine. But like I said, they're
• 56:17
  responsible for how they react and how they move forward with
• 56:20
  your life. We all are whenever something
• 56:21
  happens. But I have a man that can tear
• 56:25
  you down completely, RIP you to shreds, beat you down
• 56:30
  physically, mentally, emotionally.
• 56:33
  For me, it was the strong men who pulled me out.
• 56:39
  It was my dad. I, I lost my dad last year in
• 56:43
  July. So if at any point I speak of
• 56:46
  manner of him and I'm a little emotional, that may happen.
• 56:49
  But I lost him last July. But I remember the words that he
• 56:56
  told me when I was in this really rough relationship and
• 57:00
  he's like, Tyler, you've got to understand that no man will ever
• 57:07
  be good enough for you. And he was out of state.
• 57:12
  And even just those words, like I remember shortly after that is
• 57:17
  when I started to reconsider where I was at in my life and
• 57:22
  move towards that breakup and getting myself in the situation.
• 57:26
  It started there, then with my brothers, then with Masada.
• 57:30
  You know, I had some men after that that, you know, weren't
• 57:34
  quite as bad, but they certainly weren't figured out within
• 57:36
  themselves, you know, being able to stand up and hold that space
• 57:41
  for me. There was still like infidelity.
• 57:44
  There was some lying. There was just, there was no
• 57:47
  trust. It wasn't a matter of not
• 57:50
  feeling really safe or not in a sense in in a way that I didn't
• 57:54
  previously, but a different type of not feeling safe, not feeling
• 57:58
  like I could be myself, not feeling like, you know, I could
• 58:01
  let go of whatever I needed to. So different dynamics.
• 58:05
  But when I met BK, so I met him actually teaching at a hospital,
• 58:11
  teaching workplace violence prevention.
• 58:12
  I was working at a hospital then and then just over a year later
• 58:18
  I went to take classes at Masada because I realized it was a
• 58:21
  Maryland based program. And I thought when he introduced
• 58:24
  himself, he's like, I'm the only Israeli who lives in Maryland
• 58:27
  that's a cop in Alabama. But for some reason I heard
• 58:29
  Alabama and like he travels. He kept talking about traveling.
• 58:33
  So I'm like, I'm never going to see this man again.
• 58:35
  But I did and here I am. So it started there.
• 58:39
  And these were men that would hold space for me coming here
• 58:44
  and learning how to defend myself, teaching me how to be
• 58:48
  more aggressive, teaching me to feel safe and push limits and
• 58:52
  push boundaries. Because that was another thing.
• 58:54
  Like I never liked being told what to do.
• 58:56
  That was one thing that I never liked.
• 58:58
  And the only person or people that I would ever OK, whatever
• 59:02
  you say, whatever you want, were those really negative abusive
• 59:08
  role in nature. And we've talked about survival
• 59:11
  mode a lot. And that was a survival mode
• 59:13
  thing. But he's kind of taught me how
• 59:17
  to unlearn that, right? You're going to take what I say
• 59:20
  and you're going to do the hard thing and we're going to work
• 59:22
  through this. But I'm right here with you and
• 59:26
  making me feel safe, you know, being surrounded by men here,
• 59:29
  you know, and not just my husband, but the other
• 59:32
  instructors, you know, they, I know they would do anything for
• 59:35
  me. Just getting to know them and
• 59:37
  learn them and, and teaching me and having my back and other
• 59:42
  men, you know, another really good friend of ours, like I took
• 59:45
  a video, I started creating an album on my phone called Strong
• 59:47
  Men. And it was like pictures and
• 59:49
  videos of things I would catch them doing and they had no idea
• 59:53
  I was recording them. And it would be one of our
• 59:56
  friends who was in the area during a snowstorm drove by and
• 1:00:00
  cleaned off my car for me. Like I'm doing my workout and I
• 1:00:04
  look outside and he's cleaning my car.
• 1:00:06
  And he had no idea that I was standing there recording him.
• 1:00:09
  And I told him like weeks, a month later or something.
• 1:00:13
  And just surrounding yourself with men that are sure of
• 1:00:17
  themselves. And there's this quote that.
• 1:00:22
  Two quotes that I want to share with you that I really love and
• 1:00:24
  I think this can apply to men and women, but I love hearing it
• 1:00:29
  about men just because it makes me feel safe and comforted
• 1:00:34
  knowing that I have so many like this in my circle now.
• 1:00:38
  And we talked about the balance route to not just the masculine
• 1:00:41
  and feminine, but being able to de escalate people, right.
• 1:00:45
  And I'll start with the first quote because it just flows
• 1:00:50
  right into it when we talked about violence and it's rarely
• 1:00:54
  being the answer, right? You don't always want to these
• 1:00:57
  last couple days with some events that have unfolded here
• 1:01:00
  in the US and regarding, I'm sure you've heard, but and I
• 1:01:03
  won't get strongly into it. You know, I've been seeing a lot
• 1:01:07
  of people sharing violence is never the answer.
• 1:01:10
  And I don't agree. I disagree.
• 1:01:13
  There's a man, Tim Larkin, in his book and many of his Ted
• 1:01:16
  talks, and my husband uses this quote when we teach our wear and
• 1:01:19
  carry classes. But it says violence is rarely
• 1:01:23
  the answer. But when it is the answer, it is
• 1:01:27
  the only answer. And if that doesn't give you
• 1:01:31
  goosebumps, I don't know what will.
• 1:01:34
  But I get I get chills every time I say it.
• 1:01:36
  Well, I know that someone had actually shared with me, because
• 1:01:40
  obviously being in Canada, the normalization around like
• 1:01:45
  firearms and things like that, it's just different sense of
• 1:01:47
  culture. I wouldn't say it's, you know,
• 1:01:49
  better or worse, just different. And I remember someone saying to
• 1:01:52
  me, and they were basically just, I was just asking
• 1:01:54
  questions because I said it's not as normal, it's not as
• 1:01:56
  normalized here. It's not as big of a part of the
• 1:01:57
  culture. I said the one thing that most
• 1:01:59
  people don't understand or that they don't appreciate is that if
• 1:02:02
  you've taken it out, you've already committed to using it,
• 1:02:06
  which is like you just commit. You're if it's out, it's not out
• 1:02:10
  because you're trying to, as to your point flex on somebody or
• 1:02:13
  to showcase authority. Like at that point, it's done to
• 1:02:17
  your earlier part of the quote. And I think that the aspect of
• 1:02:23
  violence is never the answer. It isn't.
• 1:02:26
  I definitely like the edit of rarely because I think that in
• 1:02:31
  some instances it is possible that someone has never been in a
• 1:02:36
  situation bad enough where violence was the answer.
• 1:02:41
  And so I think that to your to your quote, which I very much
• 1:02:44
  agree, I think that knowing some of the situations that women
• 1:02:50
  experience and you know, even to your earlier mention, right, of
• 1:02:55
  helping that woman, I used to be a social worker at domestic
• 1:02:57
  violence shelter. Very cool.
• 1:03:00
  I will tell you in some instances, if some of those
• 1:03:05
  women had not been violent, they would have never been able to
• 1:03:09
  get out. They would.
• 1:03:10
  It wouldn't be here today. Right, right.
• 1:03:12
  So yeah, I, I 1000% agree. I agree.
• 1:03:16
  Yeah. And.
• 1:03:17
  To put it into a recent context, and again, I won't go further
• 1:03:21
  into it details wise, people were using it in the context of
• 1:03:26
  the recent assassination with, you know, to Charlie Kirk and
• 1:03:29
  here. And it's like violence is never
• 1:03:32
  the answer, right? In that situation, when it comes
• 1:03:34
  to people and deferring opinions like 100%, it shouldn't even be
• 1:03:38
  a conversation of thought. It makes sense when you talk
• 1:03:42
  about Irina, the Ukrainian woman that was coming here and was
• 1:03:47
  stopped on the bus. That's a different context.
• 1:03:50
  OK, so violence is rarely the answer. 99% of the time it's
• 1:03:56
  not. You have other tools, but when
• 1:03:58
  it is the answer, it's the only answer.
• 1:04:01
  That is the only option that she had that day that she had and
• 1:04:08
  seeing, you know, her face like the horror of it, right?
• 1:04:13
  That is the only thing that she had that she could have done.
• 1:04:18
  You know, and there's this should have could have would.
• 1:04:20
  And like I said, I don't want to get into it, but that that would
• 1:04:22
  be a very real and a very prime example where we would apply
• 1:04:28
  that quote. And to your point, a lot of
• 1:04:31
  people, many people fortunately, have not been placed in that
• 1:04:37
  situation or in the experience to know that and to understand,
• 1:04:41
  comprehend that. And the minute they do, they
• 1:04:45
  change their mind and they come to us because something happened
• 1:04:52
  and you know, and we're ready and waiting and Wheeling with
• 1:04:56
  open arms. You know, we're not going to,
• 1:04:59
  we're not going to blame, we're not going to judge.
• 1:05:01
  We're not going to say I told you so.
• 1:05:03
  But I think just being as open minded as you can and
• 1:05:08
  empathetic, you know, trying to understand that everyone goes
• 1:05:12
  through life differently and we all have different experiences
• 1:05:16
  and, and maybe some that they're all going to shape us.
• 1:05:18
  Everything that we go through will shape us in the direction
• 1:05:21
  that we had, right. But just understanding that
• 1:05:26
  until you experience something, it's really hard to speak on,
• 1:05:31
  you know, what could be done, what should be done, what, you
• 1:05:33
  know, like I say, I, I, I saw that and I kept seeing it and
• 1:05:39
  I'm like, let me just tell you this quote that we use, but the
• 1:05:45
  other one too, that I wanted to share.
• 1:05:47
  And I'm, I apologize, I'm gonna read it off on my phone 'cause I
• 1:05:50
  don't quote it as often as the other one, but it is a, a
• 1:05:54
  favorite of mine with the idea of balance and verbal de
• 1:06:00
  escalation and the pendulum. OK, so, and the masculine and
• 1:06:07
  the feminine, it's just, this isn't ebb and flow, but it's
• 1:06:09
  going to be a direct opposite. And that's why I think it's so
• 1:06:12
  beautiful. But it says you can't truly call
• 1:06:15
  yourself peaceful unless you're capable of great violence.
• 1:06:19
  If you are not capable of violence, you're not peaceful.
• 1:06:22
  You're harmless. And it's really powerful.
• 1:06:27
  Because years ago, I probably would have appreciated this
• 1:06:30
  quote always, you know, I always had an appreciation for the
• 1:06:36
  masculine man, you know, manly man.
• 1:06:38
  And like that was always me. And but that's not everyone's
• 1:06:42
  experience. So, and certainly not one that I
• 1:06:46
  grew up with, like in the sense of my father, you would kind of
• 1:06:49
  see my dad, you know, smaller guy, surveyor, like really
• 1:06:54
  smart, kind of nerdy in a sense, like, you know, but it doesn't
• 1:06:58
  mean that he wasn't a masculine man willing to do and stand up
• 1:07:04
  for his people and who he loved and believed in.
• 1:07:07
  And the way that he carried himself and relationship with my
• 1:07:10
  mother after they separated, I think was also huge for me.
• 1:07:14
  And seeing that you can still respect your ex-wife to be very
• 1:07:20
  to be very frank, you know, to and and have that relationship.
• 1:07:24
  I was very lucky. But to see how he conducted
• 1:07:27
  himself with not only her, but his previous ex wives and, and
• 1:07:31
  that and, and any woman that he came into contact when he
• 1:07:35
  passed, the overwhelming sense, the amount of messages that I
• 1:07:39
  got from strangers telling me how wonderful he was and how
• 1:07:44
  polite and how respectful and kind, you know, from a lot of
• 1:07:48
  women and a lot of people be like, your dad's a player.
• 1:07:50
  And I'm like, and then, you know, you would laugh.
• 1:07:53
  You know you'd see him. And you?
• 1:07:54
  Yeah. But yeah, you know, just the
• 1:07:57
  fact that he made people, but particularly women, feel so safe
• 1:08:02
  and respected, that is what I look for.
• 1:08:08
  And I, you know, I saw this quote and at the end of the day,
• 1:08:15
  like I say, we all have survival instincts and it all starts
• 1:08:19
  there. But we just started overlooking
• 1:08:22
  things and kind of replacing them and desensitizing it.
• 1:08:25
  So it seems like things kind of went on top, but how we react
• 1:08:28
  and carry ourselves and how we respond, it comes back down to
• 1:08:31
  that primally. And Speaking of primally,
• 1:08:35
  another thing that I like doing when teaching self-defense is
• 1:08:39
  getting women to just wail on something, whether it's me, you
• 1:08:45
  know, it's funny, one of my favorite things to do actually
• 1:08:50
  in in the sense I have a lot of favorite things, apparently.
• 1:08:53
  But if I'm teaching a big group of new women that I've not
• 1:08:58
  before, whether it's the first class or the 5th class, but is
• 1:09:02
  when they work together and are partnered with each other, the
• 1:09:07
  difference in the way that they hit them and the end of class, I
• 1:09:13
  say, all right, everyone's going to take a turn.
• 1:09:16
  You're going to hit me for 30 seconds.
• 1:09:20
  And the amount of power, aggression, noise, everything
• 1:09:28
  that comes out of their bodies is tenfold compared to what they
• 1:09:32
  did to their partner for the last hour.
• 1:09:36
  So it's having a sense of creating that space and that
• 1:09:41
  trust that, OK, I can do what I need to do on her because she's
• 1:09:46
  shown me that I can really tap into that thing that I've been
• 1:09:51
  missing. Well, like where else do we get
• 1:09:54
  that? That's the thing.
• 1:09:55
  If you were to ask yourself like where else in your day-to-day
• 1:09:59
  life are you really allowed to or do you get consistent
• 1:10:03
  opportunities potentially to be primal in that way or even just
• 1:10:08
  to release? I think about the amount of
• 1:10:11
  women that are either if you know, single or if you're
• 1:10:14
  entrepreneurs or even a definitely the moms that are
• 1:10:16
  also entrepreneurs who have so much that they are holding
• 1:10:19
  capacity for in the sense of like their own mental sanity,
• 1:10:24
  sanity of anywhere between one to four children.
• 1:10:26
  Add a couple dogs or cats on top of that.
• 1:10:29
  Maybe you've got a property to manage, but then you have, you
• 1:10:31
  know, potentially a partner, but then maybe you have a business.
• 1:10:34
  Yeah. And then your only way to
• 1:10:37
  release that energy is watching reruns of Criminal Minds.
• 1:10:40
  Like when you really think about it, there's just it's there's
• 1:10:43
  not a lot of invitation for women to do that, right?
• 1:10:47
  And I think that it's layered in so much of what you've said
• 1:10:50
  today, which is that, you know, we kind of have this skewed
• 1:10:54
  version of what it means to be quote UN quote, feminine.
• 1:10:57
  And I think even when you mentioned the masculine piece, I
• 1:10:59
  think that there's kind of two versions as I see it of women
• 1:11:04
  that are in their masculine. I think in the dating context, I
• 1:11:09
  think when you are dating somebody who's really to your
• 1:11:12
  point, if you're dating a male, if the male is really deeply in
• 1:11:17
  their masculine energy in a healthy way, to your point, the
• 1:11:21
  way that women show up in their masculine changes.
• 1:11:24
  Like I remember when I used to be in other relationships where
• 1:11:28
  the partner wasn't really deeply in their masculine in a healthy
• 1:11:31
  way. I was very in my masculine, but
• 1:11:34
  I wasn't doing so from like a healthy place.
• 1:11:36
  Like it was like I was trying to be the dude just like put it
• 1:11:39
  candidly. But then if you are with someone
• 1:11:42
  who has that structure, you realize, like, no, I don't want
• 1:11:45
  to let go of this part of me. It just looks so different.
• 1:11:48
  And instead, it's something that comes from this aspect of like
• 1:11:53
  discovering your strength and less of I have to be this person
• 1:11:56
  or show up this way to survive. And it's a really interesting
• 1:12:00
  shift because I think that some women, if they've been used to
• 1:12:04
  showing up in a certain way in the relationship or even
• 1:12:06
  potentially in their life, have maybe never even had the ability
• 1:12:10
  to tap into that primal side. And then here you have a safe
• 1:12:13
  space not only in, you know, instruction from you, but also
• 1:12:17
  surrounded by other women who also have a shared agreement.
• 1:12:21
  This is what we're doing today. Yeah.
• 1:12:24
  It's so powerful, I would imagine, to be around.
• 1:12:27
  Like there's just such a unity in that experience.
• 1:12:29
  It is, and it's fascinating too, when you get a group of women
• 1:12:32
  that some maybe know each other, and I'll use my example, like
• 1:12:36
  women in the Jewish community for a while I was teaching them
• 1:12:38
  because they were having many threats on their community
• 1:12:41
  constantly. And they're like, we're
• 1:12:42
  terrified and we don't know what else to do.
• 1:12:44
  So one again, if there's one take away, it's getting them to
• 1:12:49
  play that what if game because they are constantly in
• 1:12:52
  situations where they could be doing that, you know, walking
• 1:12:55
  from point A to point BA. Lot of the times they don't
• 1:12:58
  drive anywhere. They're walking because they
• 1:13:00
  live within a certain radius to school, to work, to their
• 1:13:03
  synagogue, etcetera. So they're played in more
• 1:13:05
  situations more often than not. But again, getting them in a, a
• 1:13:11
  room together and where most of them don't know each other and
• 1:13:14
  say we do a block of, you know, five classes, 5 sessions.
• 1:13:18
  And by the end, how much closer they've grown together as well
• 1:13:21
  and how they, they bounce and give feedback off one another.
• 1:13:24
  And just the change in the energy in the room, you know,
• 1:13:30
  from even the beginning of a class to the end of the class,
• 1:13:32
  but to the fifth session, totally different.
• 1:13:36
  And it's, it's incredible. Like I said, if you can even
• 1:13:41
  have one person leave with their chin held a little bit higher,
• 1:13:47
  it's like I did all right. I did all right.
• 1:13:50
  So isn't it interesting? And I'm sure you, I don't want
• 1:13:56
  to put words in your mouth, but from what I've heard from you
• 1:14:00
  and George as well, knowing the two of you, even the little bit
• 1:14:03
  that I do, once you enter a relationship that you can have
• 1:14:10
  the full balance of both, the softening that you must have had
• 1:14:19
  in that relationship, the softening where you can actually
• 1:14:24
  tap into that full femininity. And because it's not a constant
• 1:14:28
  thing, right? Like I'm sure when you go into
• 1:14:30
  your work day, you're like, all right, masculine.
• 1:14:33
  Kate's coming in. He calls it Blazer Kate.
• 1:14:36
  Blazer Kate today. And I'm like, OK.
• 1:14:38
  He's like, you're a freak. Used to sleep in a blazer.
• 1:14:40
  I guarantee it. OK.
• 1:14:43
  Thank you. Yeah.
• 1:14:45
  Yes, that's me. Yeah, but but the softening that
• 1:14:48
  you have when you are able to feel safe.
• 1:14:53
  And my husband also said the same thing to me.
• 1:14:56
  He's like, you know, I want you to be happy.
• 1:14:59
  It's my main goal in life is just to make you happy.
• 1:15:01
  And that's a whole other conversation in trying to make
• 1:15:04
  someone else happy. But he's like, the biggest
• 1:15:08
  compliment you've ever given me is that you feel safe around me
• 1:15:14
  and that you trust me. And that just, you know, made me
• 1:15:19
  want to well up and cry because, you know, for me, I've never
• 1:15:22
  been able to say that to someone and mean it.
• 1:15:26
  And, and I truly feel that around him.
• 1:15:30
  I feel it around the men in our gym, our members, our other
• 1:15:34
  instructors, you know, our our friends.
• 1:15:37
  I posted a picture, I think it was on the quote, where I talked
• 1:15:40
  about the masculine men of us at our wedding doing a haka the the
• 1:15:45
  Maori war dance and that was the moment where they were honoring
• 1:15:50
  me. I'll tell you every single man
• 1:15:54
  in that picture amongst more that were not in the photo, even
• 1:15:59
  the ones taking the pictures on the side.
• 1:16:02
  They all have a role in my life and they are all prime masculine
• 1:16:08
  men that would take care of me in a heartbeat, that would back
• 1:16:12
  up and take care of him, take care of me and to be surrounded.
• 1:16:17
  Like as I was writing that, I'm tearing up just by looking at
• 1:16:20
  the picture because I feel what was behind it.
• 1:16:23
  It was so right. And to have that, like I am so
• 1:16:30
  grateful to have that and to be able to allow myself to show
• 1:16:38
  parts of me that, you know, I never wanted to before, whether
• 1:16:42
  it was, you know, at the end of a belt test, which are our
• 1:16:46
  promotion test when you go try and test up a level in our
• 1:16:51
  system. We actually have 1 coming this
• 1:16:53
  Sunday. I am not participating.
• 1:16:56
  I am, but I have one more to go to my black belt here.
• 1:17:01
  So, but it's a grueling test, the grueling test.
• 1:17:07
  And I will say that what makes our tests so special and unique
• 1:17:13
  is that not everyone gets a pass.
• 1:17:16
  You will pass based on your heart and your grit.
• 1:17:22
  And you're not going to get a pass just because everyone at
• 1:17:28
  some point gets to get another stripe or a new color.
• 1:17:32
  You know you earn it here and you feel that after.
• 1:17:39
  You feel the satisfaction and the gratification of ironness.
• 1:17:43
  And it means something deeper as a result. 100%, you know, we're
• 1:17:47
  not here to test your skills, we're here to teach you that
• 1:17:53
  when you fight, you never give up.
• 1:17:58
  And the simulations that we do to make it physical is where you
• 1:18:04
  find it with inside you. So being in a situation and this
• 1:18:09
  is going to sound funny, you'll probably laugh and that's fine.
• 1:18:11
  We do one of our stress inoculation drills.
• 1:18:14
  It's called a gang bang. OK, bear with me.
• 1:18:19
  You will never forget it. Based on that name, you'll.
• 1:18:22
  Never forget it. So picture me in a room and
• 1:18:27
  there's 20 members surrounding me.
• 1:18:29
  One some have sticks, some have chains, pistols, knives or
• 1:18:34
  nothing. And they all attack you.
• 1:18:38
  Everyone starts attacking you. And here in a controlled way,
• 1:18:43
  they call your name first just to give you a second to
• 1:18:46
  recognize like the weapon of opportunity.
• 1:18:48
  Because in the test, you know, we are testing skill there.
• 1:18:51
  There is a we don't, we do to the point where like if you
• 1:18:55
  don't know shit, then it's going to be like, OK, it's hard to
• 1:18:58
  pass you like you had great, but like your skills are shit.
• 1:19:01
  We got to clean them up, you know?
• 1:19:03
  But the gang bang I would say is one of the most stressful ones,
• 1:19:09
  especially if you have like a gas mask on that's super fun.
• 1:19:13
  Then you can't breathe as well. So we're actually putting stress
• 1:19:18
  on your system in every way possible.
• 1:19:23
  And then at the end you spar with everyone and like at some
• 1:19:27
  point it's everyone against everyone.
• 1:19:30
  So you have people coming at you and it's.
• 1:19:33
  How? You handle those situations and
• 1:19:37
  if all we do, if you bomb the whole test with your skills, but
• 1:19:43
  if you don't give up, that's what's most important is to not
• 1:19:48
  give up. And I will tell you our tests
• 1:19:52
  are brutal. The 1st 30 minutes to an hour is
• 1:19:57
  just to try and break you completely and beat you into the
• 1:20:01
  ground. And then it just gets worse from
• 1:20:03
  there. And my husband treats me no
• 1:20:04
  differently. It's it's almost worse because
• 1:20:08
  then I see. You at home, honey?
• 1:20:10
  I don't even have a support system.
• 1:20:12
  Like, yeah, he's like, I'm going to be this everyone, including
• 1:20:16
  you, and I expect more from you and I'm not going to hug you and
• 1:20:20
  kiss you on the side and make you feel better.
• 1:20:23
  So I have to like my point with that is we have another, you
• 1:20:28
  know, a good friend of ours where I'm like he's like my
• 1:20:30
  emotion, my filler husband. So that's in and he's there like
• 1:20:35
  behind each like person or back. He's like, you got this, you
• 1:20:38
  know, breathe, you know, walking me through it.
• 1:20:40
  And I'm like, if I had to do a solo test like this, that would
• 1:20:43
  be the only other person. Like if I had to have one person
• 1:20:47
  in the room or then my husband, you know, being a psychotic, a
• 1:20:51
  hole to me, you know, like that's that's the guy and that
• 1:20:58
  is, you know, a man to be surrounded by people like that
• 1:21:02
  and men like that. And women too.
• 1:21:04
  You know, the women I have, I can't discredit them either.
• 1:21:07
  I mean, I have incredible women in my circle, but like I said,
• 1:21:11
  to have masculine men like that, I think it's super important and
• 1:21:15
  super important to recognize them.
• 1:21:17
  So there's that and. What an incredible thing to
• 1:21:21
  overcome, like to feel like, to be able like to your point, not
• 1:21:26
  even necessarily to crush it, but just to get through it. 100.
• 1:21:29
  Percent the mental toughness, the confidence, the self trust
• 1:21:33
  you would have in a way you're also, I'm thinking understanding
• 1:21:37
  of like your limits to know how much further you can push
• 1:21:40
  yourself beyond what you thought you could push yourself.
• 1:21:43
  Like there's just so many side things that I feel like would be
• 1:21:47
  side impacts or side benefits from it.
• 1:21:49
  That's what we talked, yeah. Losing, Yeah.
• 1:21:52
  Wait, I locked up all of that and I have now gained it through
• 1:21:56
  this. That's the whole.
• 1:21:58
  Well, like someone listening today is probably like, OK, one
• 1:22:01
  of two things. I'm either realizing that I
• 1:22:04
  don't have as much badass in me as I was.
• 1:22:06
  Like tap. Not true, it's there.
• 1:22:09
  Or it's there, but you're just maybe not tuned into it.
• 1:22:12
  Or they're like, I feel like I just would love more of this.
• 1:22:14
  And so someone's listening and they're, they're thinking, OK,
• 1:22:17
  like I would love to tap more into that power that I have in
• 1:22:20
  me. Where would you say they get
• 1:22:24
  started? Like if someone maybe is
• 1:22:27
  listening and realizing I am oblivious of my situation or I
• 1:22:29
  feel like I have had my power taken away or I feel like maybe
• 1:22:32
  I've lost a part of myself a little bit there.
• 1:22:34
  And I would love to, to reinstate that or to kind of get
• 1:22:37
  more in tune with that. Or maybe they are super, you
• 1:22:41
  know, reserved and feel like they would love to be able to,
• 1:22:44
  to flex that muscle. But maybe as I would imagine for
• 1:22:47
  many people listening to this, the thought of going into a
• 1:22:50
  class like that, even just signing up would feel
• 1:22:53
  terrifying. But then second, to go through
• 1:22:56
  it and to know what you're describing of the things.
• 1:22:59
  Obviously that's the extreme of the end, the end test, not the
• 1:23:02
  first Test. But with that that this
• 1:23:04
  experience has so many different things that will challenge them.
• 1:23:07
  Like where would you recommend the person listening start if
• 1:23:10
  they feel like they would love to explore this?
• 1:23:12
  Come to Masada. No, just kidding.
• 1:23:16
  Swipe up. Yeah, right, right.
• 1:23:17
  If you guys are, if you guys are in Maryland, you know, certainly
• 1:23:20
  come on by No. So I would just honestly go to
• 1:23:24
  Google, do a search self-defense near me, do a little bit of
• 1:23:28
  research and, and find a credible source, right?
• 1:23:32
  You know, try and try and vet whoever however you can.
• 1:23:34
  And that just means, you know, look at reviews, ask around,
• 1:23:38
  show up. Most places are going to have a
• 1:23:40
  free trial offer and, and find what you like best.
• 1:23:44
  And it's going to be scary. It's going to be scary.
• 1:23:46
  You can also see if they have options for private instruction
• 1:23:50
  and experiencing a private and groups and then also teaching
• 1:23:57
  them myself. I will say the privates are
• 1:24:00
  almost a little bit more intimidating, at least to me,
• 1:24:04
  but that that was just my personal preference.
• 1:24:06
  But some feel more comfortable starting there.
• 1:24:08
  So you can also see if they offer private training.
• 1:24:11
  But yeah, honestly something my husband says often as well.
• 1:24:14
  And he's like, as much as I would love for everyone to come
• 1:24:17
  and try Masada, see what we're about and just really get and
• 1:24:20
  feel the experience through US. Like you can't go wrong starting
• 1:24:24
  it somewhere, you know, even if it's your local kickboxing
• 1:24:28
  class, it's going to be a little bit different.
• 1:24:29
  You're going to be punching a bag.
• 1:24:31
  But if you just need if you need a soft start, start there or get
• 1:24:35
  one for your home and just start hitting a bag.
• 1:24:38
  But if you are kind of like, OK, I just need to jump in head
• 1:24:43
  first. I need to actually be working
• 1:24:45
  with other people, do hands on stuff like look for a local
• 1:24:48
  self-defense school. Just type it in.
• 1:24:50
  It's offered its places. Thankfully there are a lot more
• 1:24:53
  resources out there now for it. And it's certainly becoming a
• 1:24:58
  little less taboo, especially for women.
• 1:25:01
  There's a lot of women self-defense groups out there.
• 1:25:04
  Facebook, if you, if it's really just looking, you know, check
• 1:25:09
  PBT, just go in the search engine and, and something will
• 1:25:13
  come up. And to kind of throw in another
• 1:25:16
  caveat there. I don't have a direct resource
• 1:25:20
  for this because it's a new idea that we're working on
• 1:25:23
  collectively as a team. Each of us kind of came up with
• 1:25:26
  something like a new idea and then we're trying to build it
• 1:25:29
  together, merge them. Yeah, it's something that's in
• 1:25:31
  the works. But where it started for me,
• 1:25:34
  what I want to do is provide a free resource.
• 1:25:38
  And that essentially will be like your starting page.
• 1:25:41
  And if you want to continue, then it's going to prompt you
• 1:25:44
  into, OK, where do I learn more? You know, do I work in
• 1:25:47
  hospitals? Do I want to learn from a
• 1:25:49
  civilian standpoint what other states around me can offer, you
• 1:25:53
  know, teachings like this? But where it starts, where I
• 1:25:56
  want it to start is just I was calling, I was calling it the
• 1:26:00
  Masada mindset. And again, this is not like
• 1:26:03
  patent an official thing yet. But the fact that I want people,
• 1:26:09
  especially women, to start thinking differently.
• 1:26:13
  Like what we talked about before, if there's one take away
• 1:26:17
  is please just start playing the what if game.
• 1:26:20
  You know, what if I all of a sudden someone walks into this
• 1:26:23
  building, What am I going to do? You know, what tools of
• 1:26:26
  opportunity do I have? If you're on and like if you're
• 1:26:28
  on an airplane, right, what would you do if something
• 1:26:32
  happened? Would you be 1 to sit there
• 1:26:35
  frozen? And you asked earlier, can we
• 1:26:39
  retrain our brain? Yes, OK.
• 1:26:43
  Even with our body's natural responses, the more we practice
• 1:26:46
  it, the more likely we are to respond better under stress.
• 1:26:52
  But it's got to be done and it's got to be done over and over
• 1:26:56
  again. And those repetitions can be
• 1:26:58
  done in the brain. Neuroplasticity.
• 1:27:00
  We do it with many other things. We do it with, with talk
• 1:27:03
  therapy, We do it with breath work.
• 1:27:05
  We do it, you know, someone that was very disorganized who now
• 1:27:08
  has routine. But you, you have to make the
• 1:27:11
  effort and you have to, to walk through it.
• 1:27:14
  But our brain doesn't know the difference between imagination
• 1:27:17
  and reality. That's why a lot of sports, you
• 1:27:19
  know, athletes when they get sidelined or benched due to an
• 1:27:22
  injury or whatever it may be, a lot of the times they come back
• 1:27:25
  better because they're their, their sport in their mind in the
• 1:27:30
  way that they wanted and needed to go.
• 1:27:33
  Though if you start playing those scenarios in your brain,
• 1:27:37
  you are more likely to respond appropriately versus and not
• 1:27:44
  doing anything at all, right? Freezing.
• 1:27:46
  And I'll give your friend a lot of credit too, for not opening
• 1:27:49
  the door when she typically does.
• 1:27:52
  And that is another thing about our body's response system.
• 1:27:57
  So something in her that energy that, you know, hair standing up
• 1:28:01
  on the back of our neck, right? A lot of the times people get
• 1:28:05
  weary talking about stuff like that because it can lead to
• 1:28:10
  other slurs or oh, you're, you're being, I don't want to go
• 1:28:14
  as far to say, but like racist or this or that or honest or
• 1:28:19
  sexist or whatever it is. Whatever label you want to slap
• 1:28:23
  on there. But we have something in us in
• 1:28:26
  our intuition that says something doesn't sit right with
• 1:28:30
  me. It's called profiling and it's
• 1:28:32
  not a native thing. It's negative thing.
• 1:28:35
  It's reality. You know, walking on the street
• 1:28:37
  by myself and I see someone walking a little funny towards
• 1:28:40
  me or a group of guys. Like you said, I'm going to
• 1:28:42
  kindly move myself to the other side of the street just in case,
• 1:28:47
  right? Instead of being oblivious, It's
• 1:28:49
  fine. You know I'm going to walk
• 1:28:50
  through Snatch, right? Yeah.
• 1:28:53
  And you never know what's going to happen, but I'd much rather
• 1:28:56
  play it safe. What I do when I leave here, I'm
• 1:28:59
  let's play the what if game. What if I go out to my truck and
• 1:29:01
  I have a flat tire? What if I go out to my truck and
• 1:29:03
  someone's waiting for me? What if, you know, it's constant
• 1:29:07
  game that we can play and it's something for free.
• 1:29:09
  It's something everyone can do. Yeah, at any time.
• 1:29:12
  Constantly. Well, I think it's like, I agree
• 1:29:15
  with your aspect of reps Like I, I had a situation actually with
• 1:29:19
  a neighbor of mine and like for context, for everyone I live in
• 1:29:22
  like the equivalent of what people would seemingly describe
• 1:29:24
  as like a Hallmark town. Like like it's like, you know,
• 1:29:27
  it's very like neighbors know each other borrow my sugar type
• 1:29:31
  of situation. I love it.
• 1:29:33
  And I remember there was a day I was home and I got a like
• 1:29:37
  aggressive ringing of the doorbell kind of thing.
• 1:29:41
  And anyway, Long story short, one of my neighbors, her
• 1:29:43
  daughter had run up and said, hey, like, I need help.
• 1:29:45
  Like my dad's been, my dad's been hurt.
• 1:29:47
  My dad's been hurt. I need you to drive us to him.
• 1:29:50
  And I've never seen this young woman in my life.
• 1:29:52
  She's probably, I want to say 9. And so there's two things where
• 1:29:57
  people's head goes like, this is a scam and you're about to get
• 1:29:59
  sucked into something or what's going on.
• 1:30:02
  So I was like, what are you talking about?
• 1:30:05
  And so she's not telling me anything.
• 1:30:06
  She says I need a ride. I need a ride, you need to drive
• 1:30:08
  me somewhere. And I'm at home and I'm like,
• 1:30:10
  what? And I'm trying to get
• 1:30:11
  information. But then at first when I saw
• 1:30:14
  her, I thought, OK, this is like something energetically here is
• 1:30:18
  not right. There's something weird
• 1:30:19
  happening, but then comes from behind her, her mom and her
• 1:30:23
  mom's like we need you to drive us somewhere and her mom was
• 1:30:26
  physically and visibly distraught.
• 1:30:29
  She said my husband is hurt and he has our car at work.
• 1:30:31
  We have no way to I need to just to drive us to him.
• 1:30:34
  And so to your appointment energy.
• 1:30:35
  I think it works on both sides because originally when I had
• 1:30:38
  seen the young girl, I thought, this is I'm not feeling safe to
• 1:30:41
  go do something about this. And someone said, well, how did
• 1:30:45
  you know that you should take them?
• 1:30:47
  What if they did? ABCDEI said if you ever see
• 1:30:50
  terror on a mom's face, you know, whether it's real or not.
• 1:30:53
  Like, it's just, I can't quite describe it.
• 1:30:55
  It's just she was distraught in a way that I was like, if she's
• 1:30:59
  an actor, she got me because it's just so insanely
• 1:31:03
  believable. Right.
• 1:31:05
  Anyway, Fast forward, her husband actually that day was
• 1:31:10
  murdered where I live at his work.
• 1:31:14
  And so I drove them that day to the site where he was found.
• 1:31:21
  So everything was true. And I remember to your point of
• 1:31:25
  fight, flight, freeze, my friend who was with me was like frozen
• 1:31:30
  because she was just like, this doesn't make any sense what's
• 1:31:32
  happening right now. And I'm like, I try to get in
• 1:31:33
  the car and go, like, we just have to go.
• 1:31:36
  And I remember people saying like, you can't be doing that.
• 1:31:38
  You can't get in the car with strangers.
• 1:31:39
  You can't. And I'm like, I know, but it's
• 1:31:41
  just like in the moment, to your point, it's just like 321
• 1:31:44
  something happens. And obviously looking back now,
• 1:31:47
  I'm very grateful that it, it, you know, I was able to support
• 1:31:49
  her and her daughter and getting there and, you know, helping
• 1:31:52
  them. And I remember in the car once
• 1:31:56
  things we were on the ride there, she said, oh, I just had
• 1:31:59
  a baby. And, you know, and I'm like, Oh
• 1:32:01
  my gosh, like, where's the baby? And so she opens her jacket and
• 1:32:04
  the baby is strapped to her because only a couple weeks old.
• 1:32:08
  And so all of this is happening so fast.
• 1:32:10
  And I remember afterwards people deep breathing with me and being
• 1:32:13
  like, you know, next time, next time, this, next time, this,
• 1:32:16
  whatever. And then I just remember
• 1:32:19
  thinking like everything in the moment was just to your point of
• 1:32:22
  an energy. There was the energy of don't
• 1:32:24
  go. And the energy was like go.
• 1:32:26
  And it was just no questions, not going to ask.
• 1:32:29
  The energy just said it was the right thing that was supposed to
• 1:32:31
  happen in that moment. And so I, I do think to your
• 1:32:34
  point, like it's everything you're describing today, I feel
• 1:32:38
  like is where you take what is just like a bunch of symptoms of
• 1:32:43
  information and whatever your automatic system is into trying
• 1:32:46
  to learn the skill of training that system to, for example, be
• 1:32:50
  calm and to take in and the true information around you and just
• 1:32:54
  all of it. And so like, obviously for me,
• 1:32:57
  my friend, as I said, had her house broken into and I had this
• 1:32:59
  situation that happened. And like, these are just with
• 1:33:02
  the people around me, let alone all the other situations that
• 1:33:05
  are happening like out in the world with other people.
• 1:33:08
  But I think it's an invitation, especially in today's current
• 1:33:13
  climate. And also just like, you know,
• 1:33:15
  where life is today to your point, with iPhones, people
• 1:33:18
  distracted, headphones, people distracted, there's just so many
• 1:33:21
  things that are not typical and our society is evolving so fast
• 1:33:26
  that I think the only thing you really have protection of
• 1:33:29
  entirely is yourself and your mind.
• 1:33:31
  And so I think it's just like the invitation to say, do I feel
• 1:33:33
  like I'm in tune with that? Do I feel like I have that
• 1:33:35
  skill? And if not to kind of explore,
• 1:33:37
  you know, what that would look like.
• 1:33:39
  So look, I honestly feel like we could probably go for five
• 1:33:42
  hours. I have, I will be really honest
• 1:33:44
  with you guys. I had a full like 2 pages and
• 1:33:46
  she knows this. I had like a full 2 pages of
• 1:33:47
  questions I was gonna ask her. I'm like, delete.
• 1:33:49
  We don't need any of them. We're good, we're good.
• 1:33:51
  So it could have been a full, full five hours.
• 1:33:53
  But if someone wants to connect with you or just to like reach
• 1:33:56
  out, maybe to share, you know, one of a couple things, maybe an
• 1:33:58
  experience that they had in the context of what you shared
• 1:34:01
  today, or maybe they have questions to kind of know if
• 1:34:05
  they are wanting to get into this, How to know whether to
• 1:34:07
  verify somebody, what should they be looking for, things like
• 1:34:10
  that. Where's the best place for
• 1:34:11
  people to connect with you? Me personally, I have Instagram
• 1:34:16
  is probably the one thing that I am most active with that would
• 1:34:20
  be my account at balance.withtylerivemadethatmoreorientedtowardswhatidowhatiyouknowmyexperiencesbutialsomyemailisfineaswelltyler@masadatactical.com.
• 1:34:36
  And I can send this all over to you as well.
• 1:34:38
  But I will say our page that we use on Instagram for our
• 1:34:43
  company, Masada coaching, we're on Instagram, Facebook, pretty
• 1:34:48
  much all platforms, but we can always answer questions there.
• 1:34:53
  We tend to post, you know, real snippet shorts and our YouTube
• 1:34:57
  channel. I know I don't know if YouTube's
• 1:34:59
  a little outdated now, but we do.
• 1:35:02
  We provide a ton of videos on there actually just little
• 1:35:07
  scenarios. My husband and I more so him,
• 1:35:10
  but a few of like couples situations or men and women
• 1:35:13
  together, we've recorded those and that's a free resource if
• 1:35:17
  anyone wants to look look there and just kind of get an idea of
• 1:35:21
  what something could look like. So guiding you through, you
• 1:35:24
  know, not only just the skill, but you know the context behind
• 1:35:28
  things or the situation and feel like that's a really good
• 1:35:32
  starting point. And again, it's a free resource
• 1:35:34
  and you might see some tactical stuff on there, but you know,
• 1:35:37
  don't be alarmed, just keep scrolling.
• 1:35:39
  You'll see some other stuff too. And we're I'm actually gonna
• 1:35:42
  start compiling more online resources for people for that as
• 1:35:46
  well. Just show me bills and whatnot
• 1:35:49
  so. Yeah, so good.
• 1:35:51
  Well, Tyler, thank you so much for coming on.
• 1:35:53
  I feel like, as I said, I feel like I could go for hours.
• 1:35:56
  I have all the questions and I know that there's a lot of, as I
• 1:36:00
  was saying before we even press record, a lot of really
• 1:36:03
  ambitious women that are really trying to better understand
• 1:36:06
  themselves in order to have like step into that next level of
• 1:36:09
  growth for, you know, their mind, for their body, their
• 1:36:12
  business, for like literally everything.
• 1:36:13
  And I feel like today had a lot of really incredible Nuggets for
• 1:36:16
  them to dive into. Yes, I had a blast and I could
• 1:36:18
  go on forever if I could say like one more thing for take
• 1:36:24
  away And it sounds well, it's personal, of course, but I don't
• 1:36:28
  mean it to like toot a horn. It's more so for a sense of what
• 1:36:33
  can be possible and what I think the turning point for me and
• 1:36:37
  recognizing like, OK, I'm not just a scared worthless wimp of
• 1:36:43
  a woman. You know, like at the beginning
• 1:36:46
  you complimented me and you know, where was the turning
• 1:36:48
  point where I actually started to believe what people were
• 1:36:51
  telling me? And it started when on not just
• 1:36:57
  one occasion, but multiple, I had people, men and women, but
• 1:37:02
  mostly men, say you scare me. And I was like, holy shit, I'm
• 1:37:12
  doing something right. But then on the flip side, I had
• 1:37:17
  women at the same time reaching out to me asking for advice or,
• 1:37:21
  or telling me something they felt they couldn't tell anyone
• 1:37:24
  before they said, you know, you really made me feel heard and
• 1:37:26
  seen and safe. And there's just something about
• 1:37:29
  you that made me feel so comfortable.
• 1:37:31
  And to have both of those, it's possible.
• 1:37:37
  And I think that's when I realized, OK, I'm on the right
• 1:37:40
  track. Yeah, I feel like that is
• 1:37:43
  because for me, because I felt the exact same thing as soon as
• 1:37:45
  we got connected, I was like obsessed with her.
• 1:37:47
  I think that for me, that came from, and you mentioned it
• 1:37:51
  earlier, the structure that makes somebody feel safe.
• 1:37:55
  And I think it's just that you have for yourself this duality
• 1:38:00
  of like you have the masculine and you have the feminine.
• 1:38:03
  And I think for many women, that's not something they always
• 1:38:06
  find in other women. They usually feel like they have
• 1:38:09
  that compartmentalize. So I think in one person for
• 1:38:12
  them to feel like they have safety, but they know that
• 1:38:14
  someone can hold structure as well as much as creating that
• 1:38:17
  soft spot is like, it's not, it's not an easy thing to find
• 1:38:20
  in men, but it's also not an. Easy thing to find in women.
• 1:38:24
  Very rare that you actually see it, but yeah you can.
• 1:38:28
  A good friend of mine uses this with her platform and stuff, but
• 1:38:33
  we say you can be soft and savage.
• 1:38:36
  It's. It's a good line.
• 1:38:39
  Yep, it's a really good line. It is.
• 1:38:41
  Today was so good. Thank you so much, Tyler.
• 1:38:42
  Today was amazing. Thank you, Kate.
• 1:38:44
  Thank you so much. Of course.
• 1:38:47
  All righty you guys. Well, with that being said, we
• 1:38:49
  will see you on the next episode and as always, stay ambitious.