Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 012: Why You Feel Responsible for Everyone (And How to Finally Let Go)

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012: Why You Feel Responsible for Everyone (And How to Finally Let Go) · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Frederica Davis, and today is Reinvention Saturday.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we talk about your identity, your purpose, and what it really means to create a life that actually feels like it's yours without the burnout and the overwhelm.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: So my philosophy and what I teach is simple: small, sustainable shifts create real results.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you build a truly limitless life.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're talking about something that hits a little deeper and why so many women feel responsible for everyone and how to finally break free from that.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So have you ever felt like you're the one who holds everything and everyone together?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're the one who people rely on, you're the one they call when they need advice, the one who shows up, the one who figures things out.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And even when you're exhausted, even when you have nothing left to give, even when you need support, you still feel like it's your job to take care of everything and everyone.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're being honest, you don't even know how to stop, probably.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, this episode is for you.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to hear something very clearly as we begin.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't become this way by accident.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't just your personality.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is something that was learned, conditioned, and reinforced over time.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Once you understand where it comes from, this is when you can actually start to change it and have some real shifts.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, this started very, very early.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was about six years old.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: My dad died suddenly on the way home from work, and my mom, she was recovering from cancer at the time, and understandably, she was just broken.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: She was completely broken, and there was just not any space for me to fall apart to.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this was through no fault of her own.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It was just circumstances.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't choose that, but it was the reality.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I adapted and I didn't cry for two years.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: When I finally started to cry and it came out, it took years to work through.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I became the one who held it together.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Six years old.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can relate to something like this.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not this extreme.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there was a moment in your life that's coming to mind as I'm giving the sharing my story.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I became the one who didn't need anything, the one who adapted, the one who took care of what was needed to be taken care of.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And at six years old, that pattern it stayed.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't go away, it followed me, it wasn't temporary.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It went through my teenage years, through my relationships, through different seasons of life when I found myself again and again, over and over in these situations where the people who were supposed to show up for me either couldn't or didn't.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, what did I do?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I learned I was the one who had to get things done.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I did what had to be done.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I got stronger, I handled it, I took care of everything, and then over time that didn't just become something I did.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: It became who I was: the fixer, the problem solver, the strong one, the one, you know, you want an emergency.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still that person in many, many ways.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I had to learn that that identity, it comes with a cost.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I see with so many women.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: You don't consciously choose this.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: You've likely adapted to your environment, whether it started in childhood or later.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe it was a divorce, it maybe it was a lost job, maybe it was a disappointing something.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: You learn that being the responsible one, the strong one, the dependable one, the one that keeps things safe, keeps things stable, keeps things moving forward.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to be that one.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: But over time, this role is costing you.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: The role starts to really cost you.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the truth: when you feel responsible for everyone, you end up abandoning yourself.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I see this with friends, I see this with clients all the time.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Your needs get pushed down, your emotions get minimized, your boundaries disappear if you ever even had a chance to have some.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, it creates exhaustion, resentment, disconnection, and sometimes full-on burnout.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not because you're weak.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: If that happens, it is not because you're weak.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's because you've been carrying too much for far too long.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I know this personally.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: My body breaking down, my autoimmune struggles.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: This was a piece of that.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you've listened to any other podcasts, you've heard bits and pieces of that.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this matters more than most women realize because you cannot build a meaningful life.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot build a healthy body that will stay that way, or sustainable business from a place of constant over-responsibility.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility itself is not the problem.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: We need responsible people.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But when you are over-responsible all the time, something eventually breaks and something will have to change.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I know some of you are out there thinking, wait a minute, okay, I have to be.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't do it, nobody else is gonna do it.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can hear the words going through your head because I've had them myself.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, uh, nobody else is gonna do this.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I better do this.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if I want anything done right, I might as well do it myself because they're not gonna have to do it right.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have to do it over again.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I've got them.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've got them all, ladies.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're thinking like that, as you're listening to me, I want you to catch yourself and realize these are stories.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're stories we tell each other.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I see it with clients all the time: women who are incredibly capable, incredibly giving, incredibly strong, and completely drained.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Success on the outside, it's not anything if you're exhausted on the inside.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because chances are, I mean, with my clients, this is what I'm seeing.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And chances are, if you're listening, you might be saying yes to more things than you should.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're saying yes to everything and not saying yes to yourself.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know I have a lot of clients, they don't say yes to themselves nearly enough.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they don't even realize they're allowed to do it differently.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the shift: you are not responsible for everyone.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I know if you have children, you have responsibilities, you have relationships, of course you're responsible for those things.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: But you are really responsible for yourself, and you must be responsible for yourself at least as much as you are for everyone else, if not more.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I know this can feel very uncomfortable.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know it firsthand.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel wrong because when you have been conditioned to take care of everyone else, choosing yourself can feel like you're letting people down, but you're not.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're just rebalancing, you're refueling so that you can continue to do things for other people.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you actually do that?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: How do you start to change this pattern, this mindset, this knee-jerk behavior that's instilled in you?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, I'm gonna give you a few very simple shifts.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, start noticing where you are over functioning.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna say something I say all the time.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Write this down, keep a journal.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you doing things for people that they could be doing for themselves?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they even need to be doing it whatever it is for themselves so that they can fully realize their per potential.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a problem with parents.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: We keep doing things for them because we love them, we want to do for them.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: My gosh, I know how much I want to do everything for my daughter and whether I can or can't, I really want to, but I say no sometimes because I know she needs to do them herself to become the woman she's meant to be and to be able to stand on her own two feet.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a common, common thing I see, especially with parents, but in all areas of life.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you doing things for people who where they could do those things themselves?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you stepping in automatically?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're not even pushing pause or thinking about whether you want to say yes or whether you can say yes.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you just stepping in automatically and doing things?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a fear of it not being done right, or maybe you have a touch of the perfectionism, perfectionism in you, whatever it is.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Awareness here is the first step.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I suggest writing it down because as you look through and as you listen to these podcasts, or anybody else's, or you do anything and you you have a reflective thought or an epiphany of any sorts, when you write it down, you start to be able to see patterns in your life, patterns in your behavior.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it just becomes a valuable tool in getting the shifts that you want and being the person you want and living the life that you want.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: So write things down, start to see the patterns.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Shift number two, pause before you say yes.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Most high-functioning women don't pause, they just say yes.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know, I've been uh nicknamed the doer.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's a doer, my mother-in-law said.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: We say that with affection.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And and I have.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you need to pause before you do.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to create a pause.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, this is gonna sound a little funny, maybe, but it works.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine a pause button on your body.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Touch it if you need to.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this could be a pause button on your shoulder, it could be a pause button.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I like a pause button on your hand.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, you can pick a spot on your hand, and it's quite easy in a moment to not like you're look like you're doing anything odd, but where you want to remind yourself to pause before you answer, especially if the person's right in front of you, and you you just hold your own hands and push a little harder on that one button spot that you might have deemed your pause button, and ask yourself do I actually have the capacity for this?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean just do have the time.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean do you have the capacity?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: That means do you have the energy?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have the physical energy, mental energy, all of that?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And do you have the emotional bandwidth to say yes?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is where the real shift happens.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And let me give you a real example.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: A dear friend of mine hosts a New Year's Eve party every year.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to go this last year, and I was looking forward to it, had planned on it, but the holiday season last year, it just pushed too hard.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: By that day, I can tell you I was utterly exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was done.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: The old me would have rallied and would have pushed through and gone anyway.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I paused and I realized I didn't have the capacity.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I said no.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Did I feel bad?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, you bet I sure did.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Did I disappoint people?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I protected myself, and that was the shift.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I explained it to my girlfriend, she was very understanding, and we are still besties.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not the end of the world to do this.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I give you that as a real life example.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And shift number three: this is set one small boundary and keep it.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not 10, just one.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: A boundary could be I can't do that today, or I need some time, or I'll get back to you.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And the key is not just setting it, it's holding it, even when it feels uncomfortable.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are not about pushing people away, they're about creating space for yourself.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And they're about protecting your energy, they're about making sure you don't lose yourself while taking care of everyone else.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: When you protect your energy, you can then go back and help and take care of where it is appropriate.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: But if you deplete yourself, then you're no good to anybody.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I've seen over and over and over again with myself and clients, lots of clients, and high-functioning women, is that small shifts like this are what actually get you to the change you want.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's because they're doable, they're not pie in the sky, quick fixes, and big overhauls.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And when you repeat them consistently, they create the real results.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: This applies to almost everything we talk about here.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the question I'd love you to reflect on this week.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Where in your life are you taking responsibility for things that are not actually yours to carry?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And what would one small step back look like?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'll ask that again.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Where in your life are you taking responsibility for things that are not actually yours to carry?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And what would one small step back look like?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if this resonated with you, come join us inside the Free Limitless Living Living community.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put the link in the show notes.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who needs this conversation, send it to them.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're enjoying the podcast, I would truly appreciate a review.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: It helps more women find the conversations we have here.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, small shifts create these real results.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you begin creating a truly limitless life.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you in the next episode.