Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 238: When Life Feels Impossible: Helen Ngo on Pain, Purpose, and Healing

Transcript

E 238: When Life Feels Impossible: Helen Ngo on Pain, Purpose, and Healing · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:46
  Okay.
• 0:47
  Love
• 0:48
  technology,
• 0:48
  right?
• 0:51
  All
• 0:51
  good.
• 0:52
  Yeah.
• 0:53
  So
• 0:53
  you're
• 0:53
  doing
• 0:53
  all
• 0:53
  right
• 0:53
  today?
• 0:54
  Yeah,
• 0:55
  I'm
• 0:55
  doing
• 0:55
  great.
• 0:56
  Good.
• 0:57
  Well,
• 0:57
  we
• 0:57
  had
• 0:57
  a
• 0:58
  good
• 0:58
  conversation
• 0:58
  the
• 0:58
  first
• 0:59
  time
• 0:59
  we
• 0:59
  talked,
• 0:59
  so
• 0:59
  I'm
• 0:59
  actually
• 1:00
  very
• 1:00
  excited
• 1:01
  to
• 1:01
  talk
• 1:01
  to
• 1:01
  you
• 1:01
  today
• 1:02
  about.
• 1:03
  Well,
• 1:03
  I
• 1:03
  mean,
• 1:04
  who's
• 1:04
  excited
• 1:04
  to
• 1:04
  talk
• 1:04
  about
• 1:05
  trauma
• 1:05
  and
• 1:05
  loss
• 1:06
  and
• 1:06
  grief?
• 1:06
  But
• 1:08
  I
• 1:08
  actually
• 1:08
  just
• 1:08
  had
• 1:09
  another
• 1:09
  podcast
• 1:10
  this
• 1:10
  morning,
• 1:10
  and
• 1:10
  it
• 1:11
  was
• 1:11
  on
• 1:11
  grief,
• 1:11
  ironically.
• 1:12
  And
• 1:14
  I
• 1:14
  want
• 1:14
  to
• 1:14
  hear
• 1:14
  your
• 1:14
  perspective,
• 1:15
  because
• 1:15
  I
• 1:15
  know
• 1:15
  you've
• 1:16
  been
• 1:16
  doing
• 1:16
  what
• 1:16
  you
• 1:16
  do
• 1:17
  for
• 1:17
  a
• 1:17
  long
• 1:17
  time,
• 1:17
  haven't
• 1:18
  you?
• 1:20
  I've
• 1:20
  been
• 1:20
  writing
• 1:21
  for
• 1:21
  a
• 1:21
  long
• 1:22
  time,
• 1:23
  but.
• 1:23
  But
• 1:23
  more
• 1:23
  recently,
• 1:24
  I've
• 1:24
  been
• 1:24
  publishing
• 1:24
  and
• 1:25
  making
• 1:25
  it
• 1:25
  more
• 1:25
  public
• 1:26
  and
• 1:26
  speaking
• 1:27
  up
• 1:27
  about
• 1:27
  this
• 1:28
  topic
• 1:28
  because,
• 1:29
  I
• 1:29
  don't
• 1:29
  know,
• 1:30
  lately,
• 1:30
  I
• 1:30
  just
• 1:30
  feel
• 1:30
  like
• 1:31
  there's
• 1:31
  a
• 1:31
  lot
• 1:31
  of.
• 1:32
  It
• 1:32
  feels
• 1:33
  like
• 1:33
  good
• 1:33
  and
• 1:33
  evil
• 1:34
  in
• 1:34
  the
• 1:34
  world
• 1:34
  is
• 1:35
  battling
• 1:35
  each
• 1:35
  other,
• 1:36
  and
• 1:36
  there's
• 1:36
  just
• 1:36
  a
• 1:36
  lot
• 1:36
  of
• 1:37
  pain.
• 1:38
  And
• 1:38
  just
• 1:38
  going
• 1:39
  through
• 1:39
  my
• 1:40
  own
• 1:40
  significant
• 1:41
  life
• 1:41
  changes
• 1:42
  has
• 1:42
  made
• 1:43
  me
• 1:43
  more
• 1:44
  confident
• 1:45
  in
• 1:46
  myself
• 1:46
  and
• 1:47
  challenging
• 1:48
  myself
• 1:48
  to
• 1:48
  step
• 1:49
  out
• 1:49
  and
• 1:49
  say,
• 1:49
  you
• 1:49
  know
• 1:49
  what?
• 1:49
  I
• 1:50
  don't
• 1:50
  want
• 1:50
  to
• 1:50
  be
• 1:50
  the
• 1:50
  only
• 1:50
  one.
• 1:51
  There
• 1:51
  can't
• 1:51
  be.
• 1:52
  I
• 1:52
  can't
• 1:52
  be
• 1:52
  the
• 1:52
  only
• 1:52
  one
• 1:53
  who's
• 1:53
  feeling
• 1:53
  this
• 1:53
  way,
• 1:55
  you
• 1:55
  know,
• 1:56
  with.
• 1:56
  With
• 1:56
  grief
• 1:56
  and
• 1:57
  major
• 1:57
  losses
• 1:58
  that
• 1:58
  I've
• 1:58
  had
• 1:58
  in
• 1:58
  my
• 1:59
  life
• 1:59
  and
• 1:59
  how
• 2:00
  I've
• 2:00
  completely
• 2:01
  zombied
• 2:02
  for
• 2:02
  the
• 2:02
  last
• 2:03
  20
• 2:03
  years
• 2:03
  of
• 2:03
  my
• 2:04
  life
• 2:05
  to
• 2:05
  get
• 2:05
  to
• 2:05
  where
• 2:05
  I
• 2:06
  am.
• 2:06
  And
• 2:07
  I
• 2:07
  love
• 2:07
  that
• 2:07
  you
• 2:07
  say
• 2:07
  zombied
• 2:08
  out,
• 2:08
  because
• 2:08
  that's
• 2:09
  literally.
• 2:09
  I
• 2:09
  feel
• 2:10
  like
• 2:10
  what
• 2:10
  people
• 2:10
  do,
• 2:11
  they
• 2:11
  shut
• 2:11
  everything
• 2:12
  down,
• 2:12
  and
• 2:12
  you're
• 2:12
  just
• 2:12
  kind
• 2:13
  of
• 2:13
  walking
• 2:13
  through.
• 2:14
  Kind
• 2:14
  of
• 2:14
  just
• 2:15
  going
• 2:15
  through
• 2:15
  the
• 2:15
  emotions,
• 2:16
  and
• 2:16
  you're
• 2:16
  just
• 2:16
  not
• 2:17
  really
• 2:17
  ever
• 2:18
  stepping
• 2:19
  out
• 2:19
  into
• 2:19
  that
• 2:19
  joy
• 2:20
  because
• 2:20
  you're
• 2:20
  just.
• 2:21
  You
• 2:22
  just
• 2:22
  got
• 2:22
  so
• 2:22
  much
• 2:23
  suppressed
• 2:23
  and
• 2:24
  repressed
• 2:24
  and
• 2:24
  just
• 2:25
  in
• 2:26
  you
• 2:26
  that
• 2:26
  it's
• 2:26
  just
• 2:27
  dragging
• 2:27
  you
• 2:27
  down.
• 2:30
  I'm
• 2:31
  glad
• 2:31
  you
• 2:31
  mentioned
• 2:31
  that,
• 2:32
  because
• 2:32
  I
• 2:33
  didn't
• 2:33
  even
• 2:33
  know
• 2:33
  I
• 2:33
  was
• 2:33
  suppressing
• 2:34
  anything.
• 2:36
  I
• 2:36
  didn't
• 2:36
  even
• 2:36
  know
• 2:36
  I
• 2:36
  was
• 2:37
  suppressing.
• 2:37
  I
• 2:37
  didn't
• 2:37
  even
• 2:38
  think
• 2:38
  that
• 2:38
  I
• 2:38
  was
• 2:39
  avoiding
• 2:39
  anything
• 2:41
  because
• 2:41
  in
• 2:42
  my
• 2:42
  mind,
• 2:42
  I
• 2:42
  had
• 2:42
  built
• 2:43
  a
• 2:43
  career.
• 2:45
  And,
• 2:45
  you
• 2:45
  know,
• 2:46
  just
• 2:47
  to
• 2:47
  give
• 2:47
  some
• 2:47
  backstory,
• 2:48
  when
• 2:48
  I
• 2:48
  was
• 2:49
  17,
• 2:49
  I
• 2:49
  had
• 2:49
  lost
• 2:50
  a
• 2:50
  boyfriend
• 2:51
  right
• 2:51
  in
• 2:51
  my
• 2:51
  senior
• 2:52
  year
• 2:52
  of
• 2:52
  high
• 2:52
  school.
• 2:53
  And
• 2:53
  from
• 2:53
  there,
• 2:53
  I
• 2:54
  just
• 2:54
  went
• 2:54
  right
• 2:54
  on
• 2:55
  to
• 2:55
  college.
• 2:56
  Right
• 2:56
  on.
• 2:56
  Like,
• 2:57
  just
• 2:57
  checking
• 2:57
  off
• 2:58
  all
• 2:58
  the
• 2:58
  boxes
• 2:59
  without
• 2:59
  ever
• 3:00
  really
• 3:00
  sitting
• 3:01
  back
• 3:01
  and
• 3:02
  reflecting
• 3:02
  on
• 3:03
  the
• 3:03
  pain
• 3:04
  I
• 3:04
  had
• 3:05
  just
• 3:05
  experienced
• 3:06
  and
• 3:06
  the
• 3:06
  traumatic
• 3:07
  loss
• 3:07
  I
• 3:07
  had
• 3:07
  just
• 3:08
  experienced.
• 3:08
  I.
• 3:09
  I
• 3:09
  had
• 3:10
  wanted
• 3:10
  to
• 3:10
  paint
• 3:11
  myself
• 3:11
  and
• 3:11
  put
• 3:11
  myself
• 3:12
  out
• 3:12
  there
• 3:12
  into
• 3:12
  the
• 3:13
  world
• 3:13
  as
• 3:13
  a
• 3:13
  strong,
• 3:14
  independent
• 3:14
  individual,
• 3:16
  because
• 3:16
  those
• 3:17
  were
• 3:17
  the
• 3:17
  values
• 3:17
  that
• 3:17
  I
• 3:18
  was
• 3:18
  raised
• 3:18
  up
• 3:18
  with
• 3:19
  by
• 3:19
  my
• 3:19
  mom,
• 3:20
  never
• 3:21
  to
• 3:21
  cry.
• 3:22
  Or
• 3:22
  if
• 3:22
  I
• 3:23
  did
• 3:23
  cry,
• 3:23
  you
• 3:23
  better
• 3:24
  stop
• 3:24
  crying,
• 3:25
  because
• 3:25
  it
• 3:26
  makes
• 3:26
  the
• 3:26
  other
• 3:26
  Person
• 3:26
  uncomfortable.
• 3:27
  But
• 3:27
  at
• 3:27
  the
• 3:27
  time
• 3:27
  I'm
• 3:28
  like,
• 3:28
  oh,
• 3:28
  crying
• 3:28
  is
• 3:28
  weak.
• 3:29
  That's
• 3:29
  how
• 3:29
  I
• 3:29
  understood
• 3:30
  it
• 3:30
  to
• 3:30
  be.
• 3:31
  And
• 3:31
  so
• 3:31
  that's
• 3:31
  why
• 3:32
  I
• 3:32
  didn't
• 3:32
  even,
• 3:32
  I
• 3:32
  didn't
• 3:33
  even
• 3:33
  realize
• 3:33
  that
• 3:33
  I
• 3:33
  was
• 3:34
  suppressing
• 3:34
  anything
• 3:35
  until
• 3:36
  it
• 3:36
  builds
• 3:36
  up
• 3:37
  like
• 3:37
  a
• 3:37
  giant
• 3:37
  volcano.
• 3:38
  And
• 3:39
  then
• 3:39
  it
• 3:40
  affects
• 3:40
  all
• 3:40
  the
• 3:41
  relationships
• 3:41
  around
• 3:42
  you
• 3:42
  and
• 3:42
  it
• 3:42
  permeates.
• 3:43
  And
• 3:43
  how
• 3:43
  I
• 3:43
  interacted
• 3:44
  with
• 3:44
  a
• 3:44
  lot
• 3:44
  of
• 3:45
  the
• 3:45
  individuals
• 3:45
  around
• 3:45
  my
• 3:46
  life,
• 3:46
  built
• 3:46
  and
• 3:47
  burnt
• 3:47
  a
• 3:47
  lot
• 3:47
  of
• 3:47
  bridges.
• 3:48
  Not
• 3:48
  on
• 3:49
  purpose,
• 3:49
  just
• 3:50
  how
• 3:51
  I
• 3:51
  was
• 3:52
  carrying
• 3:52
  myself
• 3:53
  through
• 3:53
  life,
• 3:53
  you
• 3:53
  know.
• 3:54
  Right.
• 3:55
  And
• 3:55
  just
• 3:55
  the
• 3:56
  fact
• 3:56
  that,
• 3:56
  I
• 3:56
  mean,
• 3:56
  when
• 3:57
  you
• 3:57
  do
• 3:57
  not
• 3:57
  deal
• 3:57
  with
• 3:58
  something
• 3:58
  that
• 3:58
  big
• 3:58
  of
• 3:59
  a
• 3:59
  loss,
• 3:59
  I
• 3:59
  mean,
• 3:59
  think
• 3:59
  about
• 4:00
  how
• 4:01
  scared
• 4:01
  you're
• 4:02
  going
• 4:02
  into
• 4:02
  your
• 4:02
  next
• 4:02
  relationships,
• 4:03
  how
• 4:04
  somewhat
• 4:04
  detached
• 4:05
  you're
• 4:05
  going
• 4:05
  to
• 4:06
  be
• 4:06
  because
• 4:06
  you're
• 4:06
  not.
• 4:07
  I
• 4:07
  mean,
• 4:07
  if
• 4:07
  you
• 4:07
  don't
• 4:08
  go
• 4:08
  through
• 4:08
  the
• 4:08
  grieving
• 4:09
  process
• 4:09
  and,
• 4:10
  and
• 4:10
  know
• 4:10
  how
• 4:10
  to
• 4:10
  really
• 4:11
  manipulate
• 4:11
  that
• 4:11
  and
• 4:12
  navigate
• 4:12
  that,
• 4:13
  it's
• 4:13
  like,
• 4:13
  how
• 4:13
  do
• 4:14
  you,
• 4:14
  how
• 4:14
  do
• 4:14
  you
• 4:15
  really
• 4:15
  fully
• 4:15
  open
• 4:15
  up
• 4:16
  to
• 4:16
  those
• 4:16
  next
• 4:16
  couple
• 4:17
  people?
• 4:19
  That's
• 4:19
  such
• 4:19
  a
• 4:19
  great
• 4:20
  question.
• 4:20
  Same
• 4:20
  with
• 4:21
  friendships
• 4:21
  in
• 4:22
  any
• 4:22
  relationship
• 4:22
  and
• 4:23
  dealing
• 4:23
  with
• 4:23
  co
• 4:23
  workers
• 4:24
  and,
• 4:24
  you
• 4:25
  know,
• 4:25
  I
• 4:25
  own
• 4:25
  my
• 4:25
  own
• 4:25
  business
• 4:26
  now
• 4:26
  and,
• 4:26
  and
• 4:27
  dealing
• 4:27
  with
• 4:27
  my,
• 4:28
  my
• 4:28
  team,
• 4:29
  you
• 4:29
  know,
• 4:29
  any
• 4:29
  type
• 4:29
  of
• 4:30
  conflict
• 4:30
  that
• 4:30
  comes
• 4:30
  up,
• 4:31
  it,
• 4:31
  it
• 4:31
  makes
• 4:31
  me
• 4:32
  feel
• 4:32
  out
• 4:32
  of
• 4:32
  control,
• 4:33
  as
• 4:34
  if
• 4:34
  something
• 4:34
  bad
• 4:34
  happens.
• 4:35
  And
• 4:35
  I,
• 4:35
  I
• 4:35
  was
• 4:36
  very
• 4:36
  snappy
• 4:36
  at
• 4:37
  people,
• 4:37
  very
• 4:37
  short
• 4:38
  fused,
• 4:39
  operated
• 4:39
  that
• 4:39
  way
• 4:39
  for
• 4:41
  like,
• 4:41
  like
• 4:41
  I
• 4:41
  said,
• 4:42
  like
• 4:42
  20
• 4:42
  plus
• 4:43
  years
• 4:43
  because
• 4:44
  I,
• 4:45
  I
• 4:45
  never
• 4:46
  dealt
• 4:46
  with
• 4:48
  my
• 4:48
  losses.
• 4:49
  You
• 4:49
  know,
• 4:49
  after
• 4:49
  my
• 4:49
  boyfriend
• 4:50
  had
• 4:50
  died,
• 4:50
  like
• 4:50
  eight
• 4:51
  years
• 4:51
  after
• 4:51
  that,
• 4:51
  my
• 4:51
  niece
• 4:52
  passed
• 4:52
  away
• 4:52
  suddenly.
• 4:53
  And
• 4:53
  then
• 4:53
  after
• 4:53
  that,
• 4:53
  my
• 4:54
  best
• 4:54
  friend
• 4:54
  passed
• 4:54
  away
• 4:55
  suddenly.
• 4:55
  And
• 4:55
  so
• 4:56
  it
• 4:56
  just
• 4:56
  kept
• 4:57
  piling
• 4:57
  on
• 4:58
  on
• 4:58
  top
• 4:58
  of
• 4:59
  one
• 4:59
  another.
• 5:00
  And
• 5:00
  I
• 5:01
  felt
• 5:01
  like
• 5:01
  at
• 5:01
  the
• 5:01
  same
• 5:02
  time
• 5:02
  I
• 5:02
  was
• 5:02
  angry
• 5:03
  at
• 5:04
  the
• 5:04
  world.
• 5:04
  I
• 5:04
  just,
• 5:05
  I
• 5:05
  just
• 5:05
  wasn't
• 5:06
  emotionally
• 5:06
  developed
• 5:07
  enough
• 5:07
  to
• 5:07
  even
• 5:08
  see
• 5:09
  that's
• 5:09
  how
• 5:09
  I
• 5:09
  was
• 5:10
  dealing
• 5:10
  and
• 5:10
  caring
• 5:11
  about
• 5:11
  my
• 5:11
  life.
• 5:12
  It.
• 5:13
  And
• 5:13
  this
• 5:13
  is
• 5:14
  a
• 5:14
  crazy
• 5:14
  question,
• 5:14
  but
• 5:15
  was,
• 5:15
  was
• 5:15
  there
• 5:15
  one
• 5:16
  person
• 5:16
  that
• 5:16
  called
• 5:16
  you
• 5:17
  out?
• 5:17
  Did
• 5:18
  somebody
• 5:18
  find
• 5:18
  therapist?
• 5:19
  Okay.
• 5:20
  He's
• 5:21
  like,
• 5:21
  my
• 5:21
  therapist.
• 5:22
  He's
• 5:22
  like,
• 5:22
  well,
• 5:23
  why
• 5:23
  are
• 5:23
  you
• 5:23
  acting
• 5:24
  this
• 5:24
  way?
• 5:25
  Why
• 5:26
  are
• 5:26
  you
• 5:26
  treating
• 5:27
  your
• 5:27
  teammates
• 5:28
  like
• 5:29
  an.
• 5:30
  You
• 5:30
  know,
• 5:31
  and
• 5:31
  it
• 5:31
  made
• 5:32
  me
• 5:32
  really
• 5:32
  sit
• 5:32
  back
• 5:32
  and
• 5:33
  reflect.
• 5:33
  And
• 5:33
  I
• 5:33
  could
• 5:34
  come
• 5:34
  up
• 5:34
  with
• 5:34
  all
• 5:34
  the
• 5:34
  excuses,
• 5:35
  oh,
• 5:35
  you
• 5:35
  know,
• 5:36
  they
• 5:36
  misspelled
• 5:37
  this
• 5:37
  client's
• 5:38
  name
• 5:38
  or
• 5:38
  blah,
• 5:39
  blah,
• 5:39
  blah.
• 5:39
  And
• 5:39
  he's
• 5:39
  like,
• 5:40
  well,
• 5:40
  what's
• 5:40
  really
• 5:40
  underlying
• 5:41
  all
• 5:41
  of
• 5:41
  that?
• 5:41
  Like,
• 5:41
  why
• 5:42
  snappy
• 5:43
  at
• 5:43
  people?
• 5:44
  Like,
• 5:44
  what
• 5:44
  is.
• 5:44
  What
• 5:45
  is.
• 5:45
  What
• 5:45
  is
• 5:45
  the
• 5:45
  threat
• 5:46
  in
• 5:46
  the
• 5:46
  room
• 5:47
  when
• 5:47
  somebody
• 5:47
  makes
• 5:48
  a
• 5:48
  mistake?
• 5:50
  And
• 5:50
  I
• 5:50
  was
• 5:50
  like,
• 5:51
  taken
• 5:51
  aback
• 5:51
  by
• 5:52
  that
• 5:53
  when
• 5:53
  somebody
• 5:53
  calls
• 5:54
  me
• 5:54
  out,
• 5:54
  you
• 5:54
  know.
• 5:56
  Yeah,
• 5:56
  well,
• 5:56
  I
• 5:56
  mean,
• 5:56
  it's,
• 5:58
  it
• 5:58
  kind
• 5:58
  of
• 5:58
  you
• 5:59
  or
• 5:59
  else
• 5:59
  if
• 5:59
  nobody
• 6:00
  Called
• 6:00
  you
• 6:00
  out,
• 6:00
  you
• 6:00
  would
• 6:00
  have
• 6:00
  been
• 6:01
  going
• 6:01
  through
• 6:01
  it
• 6:01
  forever.
• 6:01
  And
• 6:01
  then
• 6:02
  that's
• 6:03
  the
• 6:03
  hardest
• 6:04
  part
• 6:04
  of
• 6:04
  healing,
• 6:04
  is
• 6:05
  starting
• 6:05
  the
• 6:05
  self
• 6:05
  reflection
• 6:06
  process.
• 6:06
  Like,
• 6:07
  what
• 6:07
  did
• 6:07
  I
• 6:08
  take
• 6:08
  part
• 6:08
  in
• 6:09
  this?
• 6:09
  I
• 6:09
  mean,
• 6:09
  I
• 6:09
  know
• 6:09
  I
• 6:09
  was
• 6:10
  hurt.
• 6:10
  I
• 6:10
  know
• 6:10
  it.
• 6:10
  Because
• 6:10
  then
• 6:11
  you.
• 6:11
  You
• 6:11
  open
• 6:12
  up.
• 6:12
  You
• 6:12
  can
• 6:12
  figure
• 6:12
  out
• 6:12
  kind
• 6:13
  of
• 6:13
  why.
• 6:13
  I
• 6:13
  mean,
• 6:13
  that's
• 6:14
  what
• 6:14
  I
• 6:14
  tell
• 6:14
  people.
• 6:14
  You
• 6:15
  have
• 6:15
  to
• 6:15
  be
• 6:15
  aware
• 6:15
  of
• 6:16
  your
• 6:16
  patterns
• 6:16
  and
• 6:16
  you
• 6:17
  have
• 6:17
  to
• 6:17
  be
• 6:17
  aware
• 6:18
  and.
• 6:18
  But
• 6:19
  it's
• 6:19
  not
• 6:19
  always
• 6:20
  easy.
• 6:21
  You
• 6:21
  didn't
• 6:21
  know
• 6:22
  that.
• 6:22
  You
• 6:22
  didn't,
• 6:22
  you
• 6:22
  know,
• 6:23
  unless
• 6:23
  you
• 6:23
  had
• 6:23
  a
• 6:23
  best
• 6:23
  friend
• 6:23
  that
• 6:24
  was
• 6:24
  like,
• 6:24
  why
• 6:24
  are
• 6:24
  you
• 6:24
  being
• 6:25
  such
• 6:25
  a
• 6:25
  b
• 6:25
  otch?
• 6:26
  Like,
• 6:26
  you
• 6:26
  know,
• 6:26
  I
• 6:26
  mean,
• 6:27
  it's
• 6:27
  like.
• 6:29
  Yeah,
• 6:30
  I.
• 6:30
  I
• 6:30
  think
• 6:30
  through,
• 6:31
  through.
• 6:31
  Like
• 6:32
  I
• 6:32
  have.
• 6:32
  I
• 6:32
  have,
• 6:33
  you
• 6:33
  know,
• 6:33
  a
• 6:33
  couple
• 6:33
  of
• 6:34
  really
• 6:34
  good
• 6:34
  friends
• 6:34
  who've
• 6:35
  been
• 6:35
  with
• 6:35
  me
• 6:35
  for
• 6:35
  a
• 6:35
  long
• 6:36
  time
• 6:36
  and
• 6:37
  they
• 6:37
  know
• 6:37
  my
• 6:37
  personality.
• 6:39
  I
• 6:39
  have
• 6:39
  one
• 6:40
  friend,
• 6:40
  she
• 6:40
  called
• 6:41
  me
• 6:41
  a
• 6:41
  sea
• 6:41
  urchin.
• 6:42
  Like
• 6:42
  on
• 6:42
  the
• 6:42
  outside
• 6:43
  I'm
• 6:43
  super
• 6:43
  spiky,
• 6:45
  but
• 6:45
  inside
• 6:45
  I
• 6:46
  was
• 6:46
  like
• 6:46
  a
• 6:46
  soft,
• 6:48
  gentle
• 6:48
  soul
• 6:49
  that's
• 6:50
  waiting
• 6:50
  to
• 6:50
  come
• 6:50
  out.
• 6:52
  And
• 6:52
  I
• 6:53
  really,
• 6:53
  truly
• 6:53
  operated
• 6:54
  like
• 6:54
  that
• 6:54
  where
• 6:54
  I
• 6:54
  had
• 6:55
  a
• 6:55
  lot
• 6:55
  of
• 6:56
  self
• 6:57
  protection
• 6:59
  going
• 6:59
  on
• 6:59
  that
• 6:59
  I
• 7:00
  like
• 7:00
  walls,
• 7:00
  like
• 7:01
  really
• 7:01
  my
• 7:01
  therapist
• 7:02
  called
• 7:02
  it.
• 7:02
  I
• 7:02
  was
• 7:02
  so
• 7:03
  hardened,
• 7:04
  my
• 7:04
  shell
• 7:04
  was
• 7:04
  so
• 7:04
  hardened
• 7:05
  and
• 7:05
  spiky
• 7:06
  to
• 7:06
  keep
• 7:06
  all
• 7:06
  the
• 7:06
  threats
• 7:07
  away
• 7:07
  from
• 7:07
  me
• 7:07
  that
• 7:08
  could
• 7:08
  hurt
• 7:08
  me.
• 7:09
  Heartbreak,
• 7:10
  you
• 7:10
  know,
• 7:10
  from
• 7:11
  loss
• 7:11
  of
• 7:11
  my
• 7:11
  boyfriend,
• 7:12
  I.
• 7:12
  I
• 7:12
  prevented
• 7:13
  myself.
• 7:13
  At
• 7:13
  the
• 7:14
  time,
• 7:14
  I
• 7:14
  didn't
• 7:14
  even
• 7:14
  realize
• 7:15
  this.
• 7:15
  And
• 7:16
  going
• 7:16
  back
• 7:16
  to
• 7:16
  what
• 7:16
  you
• 7:16
  mentioned
• 7:17
  about
• 7:17
  relationships,
• 7:18
  I
• 7:18
  was
• 7:18
  so
• 7:19
  worried
• 7:19
  about
• 7:19
  getting
• 7:19
  close
• 7:20
  with
• 7:20
  anybody
• 7:22
  because
• 7:22
  I
• 7:22
  was
• 7:22
  so
• 7:23
  afraid
• 7:23
  of
• 7:23
  losing
• 7:23
  them.
• 7:24
  And
• 7:24
  so
• 7:24
  I
• 7:25
  think
• 7:25
  that
• 7:25
  contributed
• 7:26
  to
• 7:26
  how
• 7:27
  I
• 7:27
  interacted
• 7:28
  with
• 7:28
  people
• 7:28
  too.
• 7:28
  When
• 7:29
  there's
• 7:30
  any
• 7:30
  type
• 7:30
  of
• 7:30
  conflict
• 7:31
  that
• 7:31
  would
• 7:31
  come
• 7:31
  up,
• 7:33
  I
• 7:33
  would
• 7:33
  deflect
• 7:34
  or
• 7:34
  project
• 7:34
  back
• 7:35
  my
• 7:35
  pain
• 7:35
  onto
• 7:36
  them
• 7:36
  and
• 7:36
  blame
• 7:36
  them
• 7:36
  for
• 7:37
  something.
• 7:38
  And
• 7:39
  you
• 7:39
  know,
• 7:39
  at
• 7:39
  the
• 7:39
  end
• 7:40
  of
• 7:40
  the
• 7:40
  day,
• 7:40
  I.
• 7:41
  I
• 7:41
  really
• 7:41
  had
• 7:41
  to
• 7:42
  take
• 7:42
  a
• 7:42
  hard
• 7:42
  look
• 7:42
  at
• 7:42
  myself
• 7:43
  when
• 7:43
  my
• 7:43
  own
• 7:43
  personal
• 7:44
  marriage
• 7:44
  started
• 7:44
  to
• 7:45
  fall
• 7:45
  apart.
• 7:45
  And
• 7:45
  that's
• 7:45
  when
• 7:46
  I
• 7:46
  took
• 7:46
  therapy
• 7:47
  more
• 7:47
  seriously.
• 7:48
  My
• 7:48
  fifth
• 7:48
  therapist,
• 7:49
  and
• 7:50
  this
• 7:50
  one
• 7:50
  I
• 7:50
  didn't
• 7:51
  write
• 7:51
  off
• 7:51
  because
• 7:51
  I
• 7:51
  was
• 7:52
  literally
• 7:52
  at
• 7:52
  my
• 7:52
  kn.
• 7:53
  Tammy.
• 7:54
  Yeah.
• 7:54
  Being
• 7:55
  super
• 7:55
  miserable
• 7:56
  with
• 7:56
  how
• 7:57
  I
• 7:57
  turned
• 7:57
  out
• 7:57
  in
• 7:57
  life.
• 7:59
  And
• 8:00
  was
• 8:00
  there
• 8:00
  a
• 8:01
  def.
• 8:01
  Everybody
• 8:01
  has
• 8:02
  kind
• 8:02
  of.
• 8:02
  Well,
• 8:02
  not
• 8:02
  everybody.
• 8:03
  A
• 8:03
  lot
• 8:03
  of
• 8:04
  people
• 8:04
  have
• 8:04
  that
• 8:04
  defining
• 8:05
  moment
• 8:05
  like
• 8:06
  that
• 8:06
  Aha.
• 8:06
  Moment
• 8:07
  where
• 8:07
  this
• 8:08
  is
• 8:08
  enough,
• 8:08
  like,
• 8:08
  I
• 8:09
  can't
• 8:09
  do
• 8:09
  this
• 8:09
  anymore.
• 8:10
  Did
• 8:10
  you
• 8:10
  have
• 8:10
  a
• 8:10
  moment
• 8:10
  like
• 8:11
  that?
• 8:11
  I
• 8:12
  had
• 8:12
  several
• 8:12
  moments
• 8:13
  like
• 8:13
  that.
• 8:13
  The
• 8:13
  one
• 8:14
  that
• 8:15
  really
• 8:15
  stands
• 8:16
  out
• 8:16
  to
• 8:16
  me
• 8:16
  was
• 8:16
  when
• 8:17
  I
• 8:17
  had
• 8:17
  children.
• 8:19
  Um,
• 8:20
  and
• 8:21
  I
• 8:21
  would
• 8:22
  take
• 8:23
  the
• 8:23
  disappointment
• 8:24
  and
• 8:24
  anger
• 8:25
  from,
• 8:25
  besides
• 8:26
  my
• 8:26
  past
• 8:27
  traumas,
• 8:27
  like
• 8:27
  in
• 8:27
  my
• 8:28
  relationship
• 8:28
  that
• 8:29
  I
• 8:29
  had
• 8:29
  with
• 8:29
  my
• 8:30
  spouse,
• 8:30
  and
• 8:31
  I
• 8:31
  would
• 8:31
  yell
• 8:31
  at
• 8:32
  my
• 8:32
  kids
• 8:33
  for
• 8:33
  no
• 8:33
  Reason
• 8:34
  at
• 8:35
  the
• 8:35
  time
• 8:35
  was
• 8:35
  no
• 8:35
  reason.
• 8:36
  Right
• 8:36
  now
• 8:36
  I
• 8:36
  understood
• 8:37
  it
• 8:37
  to
• 8:37
  be.
• 8:37
  I
• 8:38
  was
• 8:38
  super
• 8:38
  stressed,
• 8:39
  very
• 8:39
  anxious,
• 8:40
  and
• 8:40
  I
• 8:40
  took
• 8:41
  out
• 8:41
  my
• 8:41
  anger
• 8:41
  on
• 8:42
  them.
• 8:43
  And
• 8:44
  I
• 8:44
  could
• 8:44
  see
• 8:45
  how
• 8:46
  one
• 8:46
  time
• 8:46
  it,
• 8:46
  it
• 8:46
  really
• 8:47
  scared
• 8:47
  my
• 8:47
  son
• 8:48
  when
• 8:48
  I
• 8:48
  raised
• 8:49
  my
• 8:49
  voice
• 8:49
  at
• 8:50
  him.
• 8:50
  And
• 8:51
  that
• 8:51
  was
• 8:51
  when
• 8:51
  I
• 8:52
  was
• 8:52
  like,
• 8:52
  oh
• 8:52
  my
• 8:52
  gosh,
• 8:53
  I,
• 8:54
  I
• 8:54
  really
• 8:54
  need
• 8:54
  help.
• 8:55
  Like,
• 8:55
  this
• 8:55
  is
• 8:56
  not
• 8:56
  okay.
• 8:57
  I
• 8:57
  didn't
• 8:57
  grow
• 8:58
  up
• 8:58
  in
• 8:58
  a
• 8:58
  household
• 8:58
  where
• 8:59
  my
• 8:59
  mom
• 8:59
  and
• 8:59
  dad
• 9:00
  yelled
• 9:00
  at
• 9:00
  me
• 9:00
  like
• 9:01
  that.
• 9:02
  And
• 9:03
  so
• 9:03
  that
• 9:03
  really,
• 9:04
  you
• 9:04
  know,
• 9:05
  that
• 9:05
  and
• 9:05
  several
• 9:06
  other
• 9:06
  instances
• 9:06
  really
• 9:07
  shook
• 9:07
  me
• 9:07
  up
• 9:07
  and
• 9:08
  said,
• 9:08
  you,
• 9:08
  you
• 9:08
  need
• 9:09
  to
• 9:09
  go
• 9:09
  see
• 9:10
  somebody
• 9:10
  for
• 9:10
  real.
• 9:11
  Like,
• 9:11
  you
• 9:11
  really
• 9:12
  need
• 9:12
  to
• 9:12
  go
• 9:12
  get
• 9:12
  help.
• 9:14
  It's
• 9:14
  funny
• 9:14
  how
• 9:14
  kids
• 9:15
  can
• 9:15
  be
• 9:15
  that
• 9:15
  defining
• 9:16
  moment.
• 9:16
  I
• 9:16
  remember
• 9:17
  one
• 9:17
  time
• 9:17
  they
• 9:17
  had
• 9:17
  it.
• 9:18
  We
• 9:18
  had
• 9:18
  a
• 9:18
  Christmas
• 9:18
  party
• 9:19
  and
• 9:19
  my
• 9:20
  parents
• 9:20
  were
• 9:20
  both
• 9:20
  alcoholics.
• 9:21
  And
• 9:21
  I
• 9:21
  kind
• 9:22
  of,
• 9:22
  it's
• 9:22
  not
• 9:22
  that
• 9:23
  I
• 9:23
  was
• 9:23
  like
• 9:23
  this
• 9:23
  chronic
• 9:24
  drinker,
• 9:24
  but
• 9:25
  when
• 9:25
  I
• 9:25
  would
• 9:25
  go
• 9:26
  out
• 9:26
  and
• 9:26
  party,
• 9:26
  I
• 9:26
  would
• 9:27
  drink
• 9:27
  too
• 9:27
  much.
• 9:27
  And
• 9:28
  I
• 9:28
  remember
• 9:28
  we
• 9:28
  had
• 9:28
  a
• 9:28
  Christmas
• 9:29
  party
• 9:29
  at
• 9:29
  my
• 9:29
  father
• 9:30
  in
• 9:30
  law's
• 9:30
  house
• 9:31
  and
• 9:31
  my
• 9:31
  son
• 9:32
  was
• 9:32
  maybe
• 9:32
  7
• 9:33
  or
• 9:33
  8
• 9:34
  and
• 9:34
  we
• 9:34
  had
• 9:34
  all
• 9:34
  been
• 9:34
  drinking
• 9:35
  and
• 9:35
  he
• 9:35
  came
• 9:35
  up
• 9:35
  to
• 9:35
  me
• 9:36
  and
• 9:36
  he
• 9:36
  shook
• 9:36
  his
• 9:36
  head
• 9:36
  and
• 9:36
  he
• 9:37
  said,
• 9:37
  mommy,
• 9:38
  I
• 9:38
  do
• 9:38
  not
• 9:38
  like
• 9:39
  this
• 9:39
  version
• 9:39
  of
• 9:39
  you.
• 9:41
  Oh,
• 9:41
  wow.
• 9:42
  And
• 9:42
  I,
• 9:42
  he's
• 9:42
  like,
• 9:43
  I
• 9:43
  don't
• 9:43
  like
• 9:43
  this
• 9:43
  at
• 9:44
  all.
• 9:44
  And
• 9:44
  I
• 9:44
  said,
• 9:45
  what
• 9:45
  do
• 9:45
  you
• 9:45
  mean,
• 9:45
  honey?
• 9:45
  And
• 9:46
  I
• 9:46
  was
• 9:46
  like
• 9:46
  laughing
• 9:46
  and
• 9:46
  joking.
• 9:47
  He's
• 9:47
  like,
• 9:48
  I
• 9:48
  don't
• 9:48
  like
• 9:48
  this
• 9:49
  when
• 9:49
  you
• 9:49
  drink
• 9:49
  like
• 9:50
  this.
• 9:50
  And
• 9:50
  he
• 9:50
  was
• 9:51
  seven
• 9:51
  or
• 9:51
  eight
• 9:51
  years
• 9:51
  old
• 9:52
  and
• 9:52
  it
• 9:52
  was
• 9:53
  so
• 9:53
  like,
• 9:54
  like
• 9:54
  it
• 9:54
  was
• 9:55
  that
• 9:55
  gut
• 9:55
  punch.
• 9:56
  But
• 9:56
  then
• 9:56
  it
• 9:56
  was
• 9:56
  like,
• 9:57
  okay,
• 9:57
  time
• 9:58
  to
• 9:58
  start
• 9:58
  really
• 9:58
  re
• 9:58
  evaluating
• 9:59
  what's
• 9:59
  going
• 10:00
  on
• 10:00
  here.
• 10:00
  But
• 10:01
  it's,
• 10:01
  I
• 10:01
  mean,
• 10:01
  it's
• 10:01
  easy
• 10:02
  because
• 10:02
  you
• 10:02
  care
• 10:02
  about
• 10:02
  what
• 10:03
  kids
• 10:03
  think
• 10:03
  of
• 10:03
  you.
• 10:04
  If
• 10:05
  an
• 10:05
  adult,
• 10:05
  you
• 10:06
  know,
• 10:06
  had
• 10:06
  said
• 10:06
  that
• 10:06
  to
• 10:06
  me,
• 10:06
  I
• 10:07
  might
• 10:07
  have
• 10:07
  been
• 10:07
  like,
• 10:09
  yes.
• 10:10
  You
• 10:10
  know,
• 10:10
  like
• 10:11
  if
• 10:11
  a
• 10:11
  friend
• 10:11
  would
• 10:11
  say
• 10:11
  that,
• 10:12
  I'm
• 10:12
  like,
• 10:12
  oh,
• 10:12
  I
• 10:12
  would
• 10:12
  just
• 10:12
  brush
• 10:13
  it
• 10:13
  off.
• 10:13
  Or
• 10:13
  you
• 10:13
  know,
• 10:14
  my
• 10:14
  co
• 10:14
  workers,
• 10:14
  because
• 10:14
  I'm
• 10:15
  in,
• 10:15
  you
• 10:16
  know,
• 10:16
  I,
• 10:16
  I'm
• 10:16
  a
• 10:17
  decision
• 10:17
  maker
• 10:19
  by.
• 10:19
  I've
• 10:19
  traded
• 10:20
  in
• 10:20
  my,
• 10:20
  you
• 10:21
  know,
• 10:21
  I'm
• 10:21
  at
• 10:21
  the
• 10:22
  top.
• 10:22
  I,
• 10:22
  I
• 10:22
  make
• 10:23
  all
• 10:23
  the
• 10:23
  executive
• 10:24
  decisions
• 10:24
  in
• 10:24
  my
• 10:24
  company
• 10:25
  and
• 10:26
  so
• 10:26
  nobody
• 10:26
  really
• 10:26
  calls
• 10:27
  me
• 10:27
  out.
• 10:28
  And
• 10:28
  then
• 10:28
  my
• 10:28
  relationship,
• 10:29
  same
• 10:29
  thing,
• 10:29
  we
• 10:29
  call
• 10:29
  each
• 10:30
  other
• 10:30
  out,
• 10:30
  but
• 10:31
  you
• 10:31
  know,
• 10:31
  we're
• 10:32
  like
• 10:32
  arguing.
• 10:33
  Um,
• 10:34
  and
• 10:34
  so
• 10:34
  really
• 10:34
  there
• 10:34
  was
• 10:35
  nobody
• 10:35
  else
• 10:35
  to
• 10:35
  hold
• 10:35
  the
• 10:36
  mirror
• 10:36
  up
• 10:36
  until
• 10:36
  a
• 10:36
  little
• 10:37
  kid.
• 10:37
  My
• 10:37
  own
• 10:37
  son
• 10:38
  at
• 10:38
  the
• 10:38
  time,
• 10:38
  he
• 10:38
  was
• 10:39
  like
• 10:39
  two
• 10:39
  and
• 10:39
  a
• 10:39
  half
• 10:39
  maybe
• 10:40
  where
• 10:40
  I
• 10:40
  could
• 10:41
  see
• 10:41
  the
• 10:41
  fear
• 10:41
  and
• 10:42
  like
• 10:42
  peer,
• 10:43
  like
• 10:43
  he
• 10:43
  was
• 10:43
  so
• 10:44
  scared
• 10:44
  of
• 10:44
  me
• 10:45
  that
• 10:45
  I
• 10:46
  really
• 10:46
  looked
• 10:46
  back
• 10:48
  and
• 10:48
  was
• 10:49
  like,
• 10:49
  oh
• 10:49
  my
• 10:49
  gosh,
• 10:50
  this
• 10:50
  is
• 10:50
  not
• 10:51
  this.
• 10:51
  I,
• 10:52
  I
• 10:52
  don't
• 10:52
  like
• 10:52
  who
• 10:52
  I
• 10:52
  am.
• 10:53
  Right,
• 10:54
  Right.
• 10:54
  I
• 10:54
  don't
• 10:54
  like
• 10:55
  who
• 10:55
  I
• 10:55
  am
• 10:55
  at
• 10:55
  this
• 10:55
  moment.
• 10:56
  I
• 10:56
  don't
• 10:56
  like
• 10:56
  who
• 10:56
  I
• 10:57
  have
• 10:57
  become.
• 10:58
  Some
• 10:58
  things
• 10:59
  gotta
• 10:59
  change.
• 11:01
  Something's
• 11:02
  wrong
• 11:02
  with
• 11:02
  me,
• 11:03
  you
• 11:03
  know.
• 11:04
  But
• 11:05
  you're
• 11:05
  not
• 11:05
  broken.
• 11:05
  And
• 11:05
  to
• 11:06
  the
• 11:06
  people
• 11:06
  out
• 11:06
  there
• 11:06
  listening,
• 11:07
  she's
• 11:07
  not
• 11:08
  broken.
• 11:08
  See,
• 11:08
  And
• 11:09
  I
• 11:09
  know,
• 11:10
  but
• 11:11
  that's
• 11:11
  how
• 11:11
  you
• 11:11
  feel.
• 11:12
  You
• 11:12
  feel
• 11:12
  this
• 11:13
  just
• 11:14
  like.
• 11:14
  I
• 11:14
  just
• 11:14
  don't
• 11:15
  know,
• 11:15
  you
• 11:15
  know,
• 11:15
  you
• 11:16
  just,
• 11:16
  you
• 11:16
  feel
• 11:16
  horrible
• 11:17
  about
• 11:17
  yourself
• 11:17
  and
• 11:17
  then
• 11:17
  the.
• 11:18
  To
• 11:18
  have
• 11:18
  a
• 11:18
  child
• 11:19
  say
• 11:19
  something
• 11:19
  like
• 11:19
  that
• 11:19
  or
• 11:20
  to
• 11:20
  be
• 11:20
  scared
• 11:20
  of
• 11:20
  you,
• 11:21
  you
• 11:21
  know,
• 11:21
  that
• 11:21
  guilt
• 11:22
  and
• 11:22
  shame.
• 11:22
  So
• 11:22
  if
• 11:23
  you're
• 11:23
  out
• 11:23
  there
• 11:23
  listening
• 11:24
  and
• 11:24
  you're
• 11:25
  child
• 11:25
  has
• 11:25
  said
• 11:25
  something
• 11:26
  and
• 11:26
  really
• 11:26
  put
• 11:27
  you
• 11:27
  in
• 11:27
  check,
• 11:28
  don't
• 11:29
  beat
• 11:30
  yourself
• 11:30
  up
• 11:30
  about
• 11:31
  it.
• 11:31
  I
• 11:31
  mean,
• 11:31
  hopefully,
• 11:32
  you
• 11:32
  know,
• 11:32
  you
• 11:33
  listen
• 11:33
  and
• 11:34
  listen
• 11:34
  to
• 11:34
  what
• 11:34
  they're
• 11:34
  saying,
• 11:35
  but
• 11:36
  know
• 11:36
  that
• 11:36
  they
• 11:37
  also
• 11:37
  see
• 11:37
  the
• 11:38
  growth
• 11:38
  in
• 11:38
  you
• 11:38
  when
• 11:38
  you
• 11:39
  change.
• 11:39
  So
• 11:40
  for
• 11:40
  the
• 11:40
  people
• 11:40
  out
• 11:40
  there
• 11:41
  listening,
• 11:41
  that
• 11:41
  is
• 11:41
  very
• 11:41
  important
• 11:42
  too.
• 11:42
  Like,
• 11:43
  your
• 11:43
  child
• 11:43
  probably
• 11:43
  has
• 11:44
  never
• 11:44
  been
• 11:44
  afraid
• 11:44
  of
• 11:44
  you
• 11:45
  anymore.
• 11:46
  No.
• 11:47
  You
• 11:47
  know,
• 11:47
  after
• 11:48
  I
• 11:48
  changed
• 11:49
  my
• 11:49
  environment,
• 11:49
  that
• 11:50
  was
• 11:50
  a
• 11:50
  huge
• 11:50
  thing
• 11:51
  that
• 11:51
  happened
• 11:52
  through
• 11:53
  my
• 11:53
  therapy.
• 11:54
  You
• 11:54
  know,
• 11:54
  I
• 11:54
  had
• 11:55
  gone
• 11:55
  to
• 11:55
  him
• 11:55
  for.
• 11:56
  And
• 11:56
  that
• 11:56
  was
• 11:56
  the
• 11:57
  one
• 11:57
  connection
• 11:57
  that
• 11:57
  I
• 11:57
  needed.
• 11:58
  Like
• 11:58
  some.
• 11:58
  I
• 11:58
  was
• 11:59
  really
• 12:00
  desperate
• 12:00
  and
• 12:01
  I
• 12:01
  didn't
• 12:01
  even
• 12:01
  realize
• 12:02
  it,
• 12:02
  but
• 12:02
  I
• 12:02
  was
• 12:02
  really
• 12:03
  hungry
• 12:03
  for
• 12:03
  somebody
• 12:04
  to
• 12:04
  just
• 12:04
  listen
• 12:05
  to
• 12:05
  me
• 12:06
  and
• 12:06
  hear
• 12:07
  me
• 12:07
  out
• 12:07
  and
• 12:07
  not
• 12:09
  give
• 12:09
  me
• 12:09
  advice
• 12:10
  for
• 12:10
  once.
• 12:10
  Like,
• 12:11
  just
• 12:11
  listen
• 12:12
  and
• 12:13
  give
• 12:13
  me
• 12:13
  an
• 12:13
  emotional
• 12:14
  hug.
• 12:15
  Right,
• 12:15
  right.
• 12:16
  You
• 12:16
  know
• 12:16
  what
• 12:16
  I
• 12:16
  mean?
• 12:17
  And
• 12:17
  like
• 12:18
  you
• 12:18
  said,
• 12:18
  he.
• 12:18
  I
• 12:19
  felt
• 12:19
  like
• 12:19
  I
• 12:19
  was
• 12:19
  broken.
• 12:20
  And
• 12:21
  he
• 12:21
  said,
• 12:21
  no,
• 12:21
  there's
• 12:22
  nothing
• 12:22
  wrong
• 12:22
  with
• 12:22
  you.
• 12:22
  I
• 12:22
  was,
• 12:22
  I
• 12:23
  really
• 12:23
  went
• 12:23
  to
• 12:23
  him
• 12:23
  thinking
• 12:24
  there
• 12:24
  was.
• 12:24
  I
• 12:24
  needed
• 12:25
  medication
• 12:25
  or
• 12:26
  something.
• 12:26
  And
• 12:26
  he's
• 12:27
  like,
• 12:27
  no,
• 12:27
  Helen,
• 12:27
  change
• 12:28
  your
• 12:28
  environment
• 12:29
  first
• 12:29
  and
• 12:29
  let's
• 12:29
  see
• 12:29
  where
• 12:30
  you
• 12:30
  are
• 12:30
  and
• 12:30
  if
• 12:30
  that
• 12:31
  helps
• 12:31
  at
• 12:31
  all.
• 12:33
  And
• 12:34
  you
• 12:34
  know,
• 12:34
  long
• 12:34
  story
• 12:35
  short,
• 12:35
  that's,
• 12:35
  that's
• 12:35
  what
• 12:36
  I
• 12:36
  did
• 12:37
  in
• 12:37
  order
• 12:37
  to
• 12:39
  clean
• 12:39
  up
• 12:39
  my
• 12:39
  environment,
• 12:40
  to
• 12:40
  be
• 12:40
  in
• 12:40
  a
• 12:40
  place
• 12:41
  where,
• 12:41
  where
• 12:41
  things
• 12:42
  are
• 12:42
  quiet.
• 12:42
  It's
• 12:43
  not
• 12:43
  as
• 12:44
  my
• 12:45
  environment.
• 12:45
  I'm
• 12:45
  not
• 12:45
  living
• 12:46
  in
• 12:46
  a
• 12:46
  combustible
• 12:46
  environment
• 12:47
  where
• 12:47
  I'm
• 12:47
  stepping
• 12:48
  on
• 12:48
  eggshells
• 12:49
  every
• 12:49
  day
• 12:49
  or
• 12:49
  feel
• 12:49
  like
• 12:50
  I'm
• 12:50
  walking
• 12:50
  on.
• 12:50
  Right.
• 12:51
  Every
• 12:51
  day
• 12:51
  to
• 12:51
  really
• 12:52
  sit
• 12:52
  back
• 12:52
  and,
• 12:53
  and
• 12:53
  reflect
• 12:54
  quietly
• 12:54
  without
• 12:55
  interruption.
• 12:56
  Right,
• 12:56
  right.
• 12:57
  No,
• 12:57
  that's
• 12:57
  important.
• 12:57
  And
• 12:58
  that
• 12:58
  walking
• 12:58
  on
• 12:58
  eggshells,
• 12:59
  if
• 13:00
  you're
• 13:00
  in
• 13:00
  a
• 13:00
  sense
• 13:01
  like
• 13:01
  in
• 13:01
  a
• 13:02
  place
• 13:02
  of
• 13:03
  discomfort
• 13:04
  or,
• 13:04
  you
• 13:04
  know,
• 13:04
  just
• 13:05
  uneasiness
• 13:05
  in
• 13:06
  your
• 13:06
  life
• 13:06
  in
• 13:06
  general,
• 13:07
  and
• 13:07
  you're
• 13:07
  in
• 13:07
  an
• 13:07
  environment
• 13:08
  where
• 13:08
  you
• 13:08
  feel
• 13:08
  like
• 13:09
  everything
• 13:09
  you
• 13:09
  say
• 13:09
  you're
• 13:10
  tiptoeing
• 13:10
  around
• 13:11
  or
• 13:11
  anything,
• 13:11
  you
• 13:12
  know,
• 13:12
  the
• 13:12
  ball
• 13:12
  could
• 13:12
  drop
• 13:13
  at
• 13:13
  any
• 13:13
  moment.
• 13:13
  That
• 13:14
  is
• 13:14
  a
• 13:14
  horrible,
• 13:15
  horrible
• 13:15
  way
• 13:15
  to
• 13:16
  live.
• 13:17
  It
• 13:17
  was
• 13:17
  so
• 13:18
  horrible.
• 13:18
  I
• 13:18
  mean,
• 13:18
  and
• 13:19
  it
• 13:19
  contributed
• 13:20
  to
• 13:20
  how
• 13:20
  I
• 13:20
  it,
• 13:21
  it
• 13:21
  influenced
• 13:22
  how
• 13:22
  I
• 13:22
  interacted
• 13:23
  with
• 13:23
  everybody
• 13:24
  around
• 13:24
  me.
• 13:25
  Like,
• 13:25
  I
• 13:25
  was
• 13:25
  just
• 13:25
  so
• 13:26
  short
• 13:26
  fused
• 13:27
  and
• 13:28
  it
• 13:28
  was
• 13:28
  very
• 13:28
  tiring
• 13:29
  to
• 13:29
  be
• 13:29
  so
• 13:29
  hyper
• 13:30
  vigilant
• 13:30
  like
• 13:31
  that
• 13:31
  all
• 13:31
  the
• 13:31
  time.
• 13:31
  And
• 13:32
  literally
• 13:32
  living
• 13:33
  in
• 13:33
  survival
• 13:33
  mode
• 13:34
  24.
• 13:34
  Seven
• 13:36
  of
• 13:36
  fight
• 13:36
  or
• 13:36
  flight.
• 13:38
  No.
• 13:38
  Yes.
• 13:38
  And
• 13:39
  a
• 13:39
  lot
• 13:39
  of
• 13:39
  the
• 13:39
  people
• 13:39
  that
• 13:40
  are
• 13:40
  listening
• 13:40
  on
• 13:40
  this
• 13:40
  podcast
• 13:41
  can
• 13:41
  completely
• 13:41
  resonate
• 13:42
  with
• 13:42
  that
• 13:42
  because
• 13:42
  that's
• 13:43
  what
• 13:43
  we
• 13:43
  talk
• 13:43
  about.
• 13:43
  It's
• 13:44
  that
• 13:44
  trauma.
• 13:44
  A
• 13:44
  lot
• 13:44
  of
• 13:45
  people
• 13:45
  had
• 13:45
  it
• 13:45
  when
• 13:45
  they
• 13:45
  were
• 13:45
  children.
• 13:47
  A
• 13:47
  lot
• 13:47
  of
• 13:47
  people,
• 13:48
  like
• 13:48
  you
• 13:48
  said,
• 13:49
  it
• 13:49
  started
• 13:49
  when
• 13:49
  you
• 13:49
  were
• 13:49
  17.
• 13:50
  And
• 13:50
  then
• 13:50
  consecutive
• 13:51
  people
• 13:51
  in
• 13:52
  your
• 13:52
  life
• 13:52
  passing
• 13:53
  trauma
• 13:53
  after
• 13:53
  trauma
• 13:54
  after
• 13:54
  trauma.
• 13:54
  And
• 13:55
  I
• 13:56
  always
• 13:56
  say,
• 13:56
  you
• 13:56
  know,
• 13:56
  it
• 13:56
  doesn't
• 13:57
  matter
• 13:57
  if
• 13:57
  it's
• 13:57
  a
• 13:57
  big
• 13:57
  T
• 13:58
  trauma,
• 13:58
  which
• 13:58
  all
• 13:58
  of
• 13:59
  those
• 13:59
  were,
• 13:59
  or
• 13:59
  it's
• 13:59
  a
• 14:00
  bunch
• 14:00
  of
• 14:00
  little
• 14:00
  T
• 14:00
  traumas.
• 14:01
  If
• 14:01
  it
• 14:01
  changes
• 14:02
  the
• 14:02
  way
• 14:02
  you
• 14:02
  look
• 14:02
  at
• 14:03
  the
• 14:03
  world
• 14:03
  and
• 14:03
  you
• 14:03
  react
• 14:04
  to
• 14:04
  the
• 14:04
  world,
• 14:04
  it's
• 14:05
  trauma
• 14:05
  and
• 14:05
  it
• 14:05
  needs
• 14:06
  to
• 14:06
  be
• 14:06
  unpacked.
• 14:07
  Period.
• 14:08
  Yeah.
• 14:08
  My
• 14:09
  view
• 14:09
  of
• 14:09
  the
• 14:09
  world,
• 14:10
  you
• 14:10
  know,
• 14:10
  from
• 14:11
  17
• 14:11
  on
• 14:12
  was,
• 14:12
  this
• 14:12
  is
• 14:12
  unfair.
• 14:14
  Like,
• 14:14
  life
• 14:14
  can
• 14:15
  be
• 14:15
  taken.
• 14:16
  You
• 14:16
  know,
• 14:16
  you
• 14:17
  think
• 14:17
  that
• 14:17
  everything
• 14:17
  is
• 14:18
  dandy
• 14:18
  and
• 14:18
  everybody
• 14:19
  moves
• 14:19
  on
• 14:19
  without
• 14:19
  you.
• 14:20
  That's
• 14:20
  what
• 14:20
  it
• 14:20
  felt
• 14:21
  like.
• 14:22
  The
• 14:23
  world
• 14:23
  moves
• 14:23
  on
• 14:23
  without
• 14:24
  you.
• 14:25
  A
• 14:26
  sense
• 14:26
  of
• 14:26
  loneliness
• 14:27
  during
• 14:27
  that
• 14:28
  time
• 14:28
  period.
• 14:28
  And,
• 14:29
  you
• 14:29
  know,
• 14:30
  I,
• 14:30
  I,
• 14:30
  what
• 14:30
  I
• 14:31
  resorted
• 14:31
  to
• 14:31
  was
• 14:32
  no,
• 14:33
  like,
• 14:33
  you
• 14:33
  introduced
• 14:33
  me,
• 14:34
  which
• 14:34
  is
• 14:34
  workaholism,
• 14:35
  because
• 14:35
  that's
• 14:35
  what
• 14:36
  I
• 14:36
  was
• 14:36
  really
• 14:36
  good
• 14:36
  at.
• 14:37
  I
• 14:37
  did
• 14:37
  work
• 14:38
  and
• 14:38
  I
• 14:38
  measured
• 14:38
  my
• 14:40
  worth
• 14:41
  and
• 14:41
  productivity
• 14:42
  because
• 14:42
  that
• 14:43
  kept
• 14:43
  me
• 14:43
  connected
• 14:44
  to
• 14:44
  the
• 14:44
  people
• 14:44
  that
• 14:45
  I
• 14:45
  cared
• 14:45
  about
• 14:45
  in
• 14:45
  my
• 14:46
  life.
• 14:46
  But
• 14:46
  I
• 14:46
  did,
• 14:46
  I
• 14:46
  wasn't.
• 14:47
  No.
• 14:47
  There
• 14:47
  was
• 14:48
  a
• 14:48
  speckle
• 14:48
  of
• 14:48
  me
• 14:49
  that
• 14:49
  always
• 14:50
  wondered
• 14:50
  how
• 14:51
  much
• 14:51
  I
• 14:51
  mattered
• 14:51
  to
• 14:52
  people
• 14:53
  that
• 14:54
  I
• 14:54
  loved,
• 14:55
  you
• 14:55
  know?
• 14:56
  Right.
• 14:57
  And
• 14:58
  being
• 14:58
  that
• 14:58
  you,
• 14:59
  the
• 14:59
  trauma
• 14:59
  it
• 14:59
  seems
• 15:00
  like
• 15:00
  that
• 15:00
  you
• 15:00
  went
• 15:00
  through
• 15:01
  was
• 15:01
  not
• 15:02
  on
• 15:02
  your
• 15:02
  side.
• 15:03
  Like,
• 15:03
  it
• 15:03
  wasn't
• 15:03
  people
• 15:04
  directly
• 15:04
  doing
• 15:04
  things
• 15:05
  to
• 15:05
  you.
• 15:05
  It
• 15:05
  was
• 15:05
  things
• 15:06
  that
• 15:06
  are
• 15:06
  happening
• 15:07
  to
• 15:07
  you.
• 15:07
  Like,
• 15:07
  you
• 15:07
  know,
• 15:08
  having
• 15:08
  the
• 15:08
  death
• 15:08
  and
• 15:09
  stuff
• 15:09
  like
• 15:09
  that.
• 15:10
  Where
• 15:10
  do
• 15:10
  you
• 15:10
  think
• 15:10
  in
• 15:10
  your
• 15:11
  mind
• 15:11
  that,
• 15:11
  that
• 15:11
  feeling
• 15:12
  of
• 15:12
  kind
• 15:12
  of
• 15:12
  unworthiness
• 15:13
  which
• 15:13
  is
• 15:14
  the
• 15:14
  basis
• 15:15
  of
• 15:15
  trauma,
• 15:16
  where
• 15:16
  do
• 15:16
  you
• 15:16
  think
• 15:16
  that
• 15:17
  came
• 15:17
  from?
• 15:19
  Just
• 15:19
  curious.
• 15:19
  That's
• 15:20
  a
• 15:20
  really
• 15:20
  great
• 15:20
  question.
• 15:21
  Because
• 15:22
  at
• 15:23
  the
• 15:23
  time,
• 15:23
  I
• 15:23
  felt
• 15:23
  like
• 15:24
  I
• 15:24
  had
• 15:24
  a
• 15:24
  really
• 15:24
  great
• 15:25
  family
• 15:25
  and
• 15:25
  support
• 15:26
  system.
• 15:26
  And
• 15:27
  when
• 15:27
  my
• 15:27
  boyfriend
• 15:27
  died,
• 15:28
  I
• 15:28
  realized
• 15:31
  that
• 15:31
  wasn't
• 15:31
  really
• 15:31
  there.
• 15:32
  Like,
• 15:32
  my,
• 15:32
  my
• 15:32
  own
• 15:33
  family
• 15:33
  wasn't
• 15:33
  equipped
• 15:34
  to
• 15:34
  deal
• 15:35
  with
• 15:36
  me
• 15:38
  and,
• 15:38
  and
• 15:38
  what
• 15:38
  I
• 15:38
  had
• 15:39
  just
• 15:39
  experienced.
• 15:40
  And
• 15:40
  so
• 15:40
  what
• 15:41
  I
• 15:41
  resorted
• 15:41
  to
• 15:42
  was
• 15:42
  just
• 15:42
  to
• 15:42
  go
• 15:43
  inward,
• 15:43
  to
• 15:44
  go
• 15:44
  to
• 15:44
  retreat.
• 15:46
  The
• 15:47
  people
• 15:47
  around
• 15:47
  me
• 15:47
  that
• 15:48
  I
• 15:48
  thought
• 15:48
  I
• 15:48
  could
• 15:48
  rely
• 15:49
  on
• 15:49
  for
• 15:50
  help
• 15:50
  wasn't
• 15:51
  very
• 15:51
  helpful.
• 15:52
  You
• 15:52
  know,
• 15:52
  it
• 15:53
  was
• 15:53
  just
• 15:53
  like
• 15:53
  temporary
• 15:53
  advantages.
• 15:54
  Like
• 15:54
  the
• 15:54
  same
• 15:55
  oh,
• 15:56
  you
• 15:56
  know,
• 15:56
  it's.
• 15:56
  It's
• 15:57
  all
• 15:57
  in
• 15:57
  God's
• 15:58
  plan.
• 15:59
  And
• 15:59
  all
• 16:00
  those
• 16:00
  clusters.
• 16:01
  Yeah.
• 16:01
  It's
• 16:02
  like,
• 16:02
  oh,
• 16:02
  it's
• 16:02
  in
• 16:02
  God's
• 16:03
  plan.
• 16:03
  I'm
• 16:03
  like,
• 16:03
  it's
• 16:04
  in
• 16:04
  God's
• 16:04
  plan.
• 16:04
  Plan
• 16:05
  for
• 16:05
  my
• 16:05
  boyfriend
• 16:05
  to
• 16:05
  die
• 16:06
  suddenly,
• 16:06
  and
• 16:06
  I
• 16:06
  didn't
• 16:07
  get
• 16:07
  to
• 16:07
  say
• 16:07
  goodbye.
• 16:07
  And
• 16:07
  so
• 16:08
  it's
• 16:08
  just
• 16:08
  like
• 16:08
  anger
• 16:09
  started
• 16:09
  to
• 16:09
  foster,
• 16:10
  you
• 16:10
  know,
• 16:10
  And
• 16:11
  I
• 16:11
  grew
• 16:11
  up
• 16:11
  Catholic,
• 16:13
  and
• 16:14
  that
• 16:14
  was
• 16:14
  the
• 16:14
  first
• 16:15
  time
• 16:15
  where
• 16:15
  I
• 16:15
  questioned
• 16:16
  God
• 16:17
  at
• 16:18
  17.
• 16:18
  And
• 16:19
  like
• 16:19
  you
• 16:19
  said,
• 16:19
  my
• 16:19
  whole
• 16:20
  world
• 16:20
  completely
• 16:21
  changed
• 16:22
  and
• 16:22
  what
• 16:22
  I
• 16:22
  believed
• 16:23
  in
• 16:23
  and
• 16:23
  who
• 16:23
  I
• 16:23
  relied
• 16:24
  on.
• 16:25
  And
• 16:25
  I
• 16:25
  really
• 16:25
  felt
• 16:26
  like
• 16:26
  I
• 16:26
  didn't
• 16:26
  have
• 16:27
  the
• 16:27
  support
• 16:27
  system
• 16:28
  that
• 16:28
  I
• 16:28
  had
• 16:29
  thought
• 16:29
  I
• 16:29
  had.
• 16:30
  Right.
• 16:30
  And
• 16:31
  so
• 16:31
  your
• 16:31
  trauma
• 16:32
  is
• 16:32
  literally
• 16:32
  that
• 16:33
  non.
• 16:33
  Validation
• 16:34
  really
• 16:34
  is
• 16:35
  what
• 16:35
  it
• 16:35
  is.
• 16:35
  And
• 16:36
  so
• 16:36
  your
• 16:36
  voice
• 16:37
  doesn't
• 16:37
  matter.
• 16:37
  It's
• 16:38
  you.
• 16:38
  It's
• 16:39
  the
• 16:39
  same
• 16:39
  as
• 16:39
  the
• 16:39
  childhood
• 16:40
  trauma
• 16:40
  that
• 16:40
  people
• 16:41
  are
• 16:41
  out
• 16:41
  there
• 16:41
  listening
• 16:41
  to.
• 16:42
  You
• 16:42
  know,
• 16:42
  it's
• 16:42
  the
• 16:42
  same
• 16:43
  thing.
• 16:43
  I
• 16:44
  felt
• 16:44
  so
• 16:44
  insignificant
• 16:45
  when
• 16:45
  it
• 16:46
  happened
• 16:46
  too,
• 16:47
  because
• 16:47
  you're
• 16:47
  like,
• 16:47
  oh,
• 16:48
  you're
• 16:48
  so
• 16:48
  young.
• 16:49
  You
• 16:49
  know,
• 16:50
  you
• 16:50
  have
• 16:50
  your
• 16:50
  whole
• 16:50
  life
• 16:51
  ahead
• 16:51
  of
• 16:51
  you,
• 16:51
  so
• 16:51
  you're
• 16:52
  gonna
• 16:52
  meet
• 16:52
  somebody
• 16:52
  else.
• 16:53
  Like,
• 16:53
  you'll
• 16:54
  get
• 16:54
  over
• 16:54
  it.
• 16:55
  Yeah.
• 16:55
  So
• 16:56
  I
• 16:56
  was
• 16:56
  waiting
• 16:57
  for
• 16:57
  myself
• 16:57
  to
• 16:57
  get
• 16:58
  over
• 16:58
  it,
• 16:59
  and
• 16:59
  Right.
• 16:59
  Of
• 17:00
  getting
• 17:00
  over
• 17:00
  it
• 17:00
  was
• 17:01
  to
• 17:01
  work.
• 17:02
  I
• 17:02
  just
• 17:02
  became
• 17:03
  more
• 17:03
  independent
• 17:04
  and
• 17:04
  reliant
• 17:05
  on
• 17:05
  myself,
• 17:07
  you
• 17:08
  know,
• 17:08
  and
• 17:08
  so
• 17:08
  that's
• 17:09
  that.
• 17:09
  That
• 17:10
  was
• 17:10
  really
• 17:11
  what
• 17:11
  I
• 17:11
  had
• 17:12
  to
• 17:12
  learn
• 17:14
  and
• 17:14
  go
• 17:14
  back
• 17:14
  and
• 17:15
  visit
• 17:15
  about
• 17:15
  that
• 17:16
  time
• 17:16
  period
• 17:16
  in
• 17:16
  my
• 17:17
  life
• 17:17
  to
• 17:17
  be
• 17:17
  like,
• 17:17
  oh,
• 17:17
  my
• 17:17
  goodness,
• 17:18
  like,
• 17:18
  who
• 17:19
  today?
• 17:20
  Like,
• 17:20
  who
• 17:20
  do
• 17:20
  I
• 17:20
  want
• 17:20
  to
• 17:21
  be
• 17:21
  if.
• 17:21
  If
• 17:22
  I
• 17:22
  encounter
• 17:22
  somebody
• 17:23
  who's
• 17:23
  experiencing
• 17:24
  that?
• 17:24
  Like,
• 17:24
  I
• 17:24
  have
• 17:25
  teenage
• 17:25
  nieces
• 17:25
  and
• 17:26
  nephews,
• 17:26
  like,
• 17:26
  if
• 17:26
  something
• 17:27
  like
• 17:27
  that
• 17:27
  happened
• 17:27
  to
• 17:27
  them,
• 17:27
  I
• 17:28
  hope
• 17:28
  I
• 17:28
  can
• 17:28
  be
• 17:28
  there
• 17:29
  for
• 17:29
  them,
• 17:29
  not
• 17:30
  feel
• 17:30
  dismissed.
• 17:32
  Right,
• 17:32
  right.
• 17:32
  So
• 17:33
  that
• 17:33
  they
• 17:33
  don't
• 17:33
  feel
• 17:33
  like
• 17:33
  they
• 17:34
  don't
• 17:34
  have
• 17:34
  anybody
• 17:34
  and
• 17:35
  no
• 17:35
  nobody
• 17:36
  to
• 17:36
  turn
• 17:36
  to.
• 17:37
  So
• 17:37
  I,
• 17:37
  I,
• 17:40
  So
• 17:40
  if
• 17:40
  there's
• 17:40
  people
• 17:40
  out
• 17:41
  there
• 17:41
  listening,
• 17:41
  and
• 17:41
  I
• 17:41
  know
• 17:42
  there
• 17:42
  are,
• 17:42
  that
• 17:42
  kind
• 17:43
  of
• 17:43
  feel
• 17:43
  alone
• 17:44
  and
• 17:44
  dismissed
• 17:44
  and
• 17:45
  everything
• 17:45
  else,
• 17:45
  I
• 17:45
  mean,
• 17:45
  what.
• 17:46
  What
• 17:46
  would
• 17:46
  you
• 17:46
  tell
• 17:46
  them?
• 17:47
  What
• 17:47
  would
• 17:47
  be
• 17:48
  your
• 17:48
  suggestion
• 17:49
  or
• 17:49
  advice?
• 17:50
  You
• 17:51
  know,
• 17:51
  that's
• 17:51
  a
• 17:51
  great
• 17:51
  question,
• 17:52
  because
• 17:54
  different
• 17:54
  things
• 17:54
  work
• 17:55
  for
• 17:55
  different
• 17:55
  people
• 17:56
  at
• 17:56
  the
• 17:57
  time.
• 17:57
  And
• 17:57
  even
• 17:58
  now,
• 17:58
  what
• 17:58
  has
• 17:58
  stayed
• 17:59
  consistent
• 18:00
  with
• 18:00
  me
• 18:00
  the
• 18:00
  entire
• 18:01
  time
• 18:01
  period
• 18:02
  is
• 18:02
  writing
• 18:03
  in
• 18:03
  my
• 18:03
  journal
• 18:04
  and
• 18:05
  really
• 18:05
  sitting
• 18:06
  down
• 18:06
  and
• 18:06
  putting
• 18:07
  my
• 18:07
  thoughts
• 18:07
  on
• 18:08
  paper.
• 18:09
  That
• 18:09
  was
• 18:09
  what
• 18:10
  held
• 18:11
  my
• 18:11
  emotions.
• 18:12
  And,
• 18:13
  you
• 18:13
  know,
• 18:13
  I
• 18:13
  have
• 18:13
  volumes
• 18:14
  and
• 18:14
  volumes
• 18:15
  of
• 18:15
  journals
• 18:16
  that
• 18:16
  I've
• 18:16
  looked
• 18:16
  back
• 18:16
  on
• 18:17
  just
• 18:17
  to
• 18:17
  re.
• 18:18
  To
• 18:18
  go
• 18:18
  and
• 18:19
  reflect.
• 18:20
  So
• 18:21
  that's.
• 18:21
  That's
• 18:21
  one
• 18:21
  thing
• 18:21
  I
• 18:22
  would.
• 18:22
  One
• 18:22
  simple
• 18:23
  action
• 18:24
  that
• 18:24
  somebody
• 18:25
  can
• 18:25
  do
• 18:25
  to
• 18:26
  put
• 18:26
  things
• 18:26
  in
• 18:26
  motion
• 18:26
  of
• 18:27
  like,
• 18:27
  okay,
• 18:27
  I.
• 18:28
  I'm
• 18:28
  doing
• 18:29
  something.
• 18:29
  I'M
• 18:29
  writing
• 18:30
  a
• 18:30
  thought
• 18:30
  down,
• 18:30
  just
• 18:31
  one.
• 18:31
  Even
• 18:31
  if
• 18:31
  it's
• 18:32
  just
• 18:32
  one
• 18:32
  sentence
• 18:32
  a
• 18:33
  day.
• 18:33
  Like,
• 18:34
  I'm
• 18:34
  angry
• 18:34
  today.
• 18:35
  Like,
• 18:35
  just
• 18:36
  write
• 18:36
  down
• 18:36
  what
• 18:37
  you
• 18:37
  are
• 18:37
  feeling
• 18:37
  in
• 18:38
  the
• 18:38
  moment,
• 18:38
  at
• 18:38
  that
• 18:39
  moment.
• 18:40
  And
• 18:40
  they
• 18:41
  say
• 18:41
  there's
• 18:41
  so
• 18:41
  much
• 18:41
  power
• 18:42
  in
• 18:42
  the
• 18:42
  putting
• 18:42
  it
• 18:42
  to
• 18:43
  written
• 18:43
  words
• 18:43
  to
• 18:44
  that.
• 18:44
  There's
• 18:44
  so
• 18:45
  much
• 18:45
  of
• 18:45
  the
• 18:45
  synapses
• 18:46
  rewiring
• 18:47
  when
• 18:47
  you're
• 18:47
  talking
• 18:48
  through
• 18:48
  things
• 18:48
  and
• 18:48
  just.
• 18:49
  There's
• 18:49
  so
• 18:49
  much
• 18:49
  magic
• 18:50
  that
• 18:50
  happens
• 18:50
  in
• 18:50
  that
• 18:51
  journaling,
• 18:51
  you
• 18:51
  know,
• 18:52
  my
• 18:52
  one
• 18:52
  regret.
• 18:52
  Well,
• 18:53
  it's
• 18:53
  not
• 18:53
  my
• 18:53
  one
• 18:53
  regret.
• 18:54
  I
• 18:54
  have
• 18:54
  a
• 18:54
  couple
• 18:54
  more
• 18:54
  regrets.
• 18:55
  But,
• 18:55
  um,
• 18:56
  I
• 18:56
  was
• 18:57
  always.
• 18:57
  My
• 18:57
  journals
• 18:58
  were
• 18:58
  always
• 18:58
  read.
• 18:59
  I
• 18:59
  started
• 18:59
  writing
• 18:59
  when
• 18:59
  I
• 19:00
  was
• 19:00
  a
• 19:00
  very
• 19:00
  young
• 19:00
  child
• 19:00
  and
• 19:01
  I
• 19:01
  would
• 19:01
  journal
• 19:01
  and
• 19:01
  journal
• 19:02
  and
• 19:02
  then
• 19:02
  my
• 19:02
  mom
• 19:02
  would
• 19:03
  find
• 19:03
  it
• 19:03
  didn't
• 19:03
  matter
• 19:03
  how
• 19:04
  many
• 19:04
  locks
• 19:04
  I
• 19:04
  had
• 19:04
  on
• 19:05
  those
• 19:05
  diaries.
• 19:05
  She
• 19:05
  would
• 19:06
  read
• 19:06
  them
• 19:06
  and
• 19:06
  then
• 19:06
  I
• 19:06
  would
• 19:06
  get
• 19:07
  beat
• 19:07
  for
• 19:07
  what
• 19:07
  I
• 19:08
  wrote
• 19:08
  and.
• 19:09
  And
• 19:10
  I
• 19:10
  still
• 19:11
  to
• 19:11
  this
• 19:11
  day,
• 19:11
  I
• 19:12
  journal
• 19:12
  for
• 19:12
  a
• 19:12
  while
• 19:13
  and
• 19:13
  then
• 19:13
  I
• 19:13
  crumple
• 19:13
  it
• 19:13
  up
• 19:14
  and
• 19:14
  throw
• 19:14
  it
• 19:14
  away.
• 19:16
  And
• 19:16
  I
• 19:16
  think
• 19:16
  it
• 19:16
  became
• 19:17
  a
• 19:17
  habit.
• 19:17
  It's.
• 19:17
  It
• 19:18
  was
• 19:18
  like
• 19:18
  my
• 19:18
  cleansing.
• 19:19
  Like
• 19:19
  I
• 19:19
  journal
• 19:20
  for
• 19:20
  a
• 19:20
  while
• 19:20
  and
• 19:21
  then
• 19:21
  I.
• 19:22
  I
• 19:22
  just
• 19:22
  get
• 19:22
  rid
• 19:23
  of
• 19:23
  it.
• 19:23
  Like
• 19:23
  burn
• 19:24
  it,
• 19:24
  put
• 19:24
  it
• 19:24
  in
• 19:24
  a
• 19:25
  river.
• 19:25
  When
• 19:25
  I
• 19:25
  was
• 19:25
  little,
• 19:25
  I
• 19:25
  used
• 19:26
  to
• 19:26
  rip
• 19:26
  up
• 19:26
  my
• 19:27
  paper
• 19:27
  papers
• 19:27
  after
• 19:28
  I
• 19:28
  wrote
• 19:28
  them
• 19:28
  and
• 19:28
  put
• 19:28
  them
• 19:29
  in
• 19:29
  a
• 19:29
  river
• 19:29
  and
• 19:29
  like
• 19:29
  watch
• 19:30
  them
• 19:30
  float
• 19:30
  away,
• 19:30
  like,
• 19:30
  oh,
• 19:31
  there
• 19:31
  goes
• 19:31
  all
• 19:31
  my
• 19:31
  bad
• 19:31
  stuff.
• 19:32
  But
• 19:33
  it's.
• 19:34
  It's
• 19:34
  almost
• 19:35
  really
• 19:35
  saddening
• 19:36
  that
• 19:36
  I'm
• 19:36
  like,
• 19:36
  oh
• 19:37
  my
• 19:37
  God,
• 19:37
  I'm
• 19:37
  57
• 19:37
  and
• 19:38
  I've
• 19:38
  journaled
• 19:39
  thousands
• 19:39
  and
• 19:40
  thousands
• 19:40
  of
• 19:40
  hours
• 19:41
  and
• 19:41
  I
• 19:41
  really
• 19:41
  don't.
• 19:42
  I
• 19:42
  have
• 19:42
  like
• 19:42
  two
• 19:42
  journals
• 19:43
  to
• 19:43
  show
• 19:43
  for
• 19:43
  it.
• 19:44
  Hey,
• 19:44
  that's
• 19:45
  how
• 19:45
  you
• 19:45
  release
• 19:45
  it.
• 19:46
  Yeah.
• 19:47
  I
• 19:47
  mean.
• 19:47
  And
• 19:47
  so
• 19:47
  I'm
• 19:48
  just
• 19:48
  like,
• 19:48
  oh,
• 19:48
  I
• 19:48
  wish
• 19:49
  I
• 19:49
  could
• 19:49
  go
• 19:49
  back
• 19:49
  and
• 19:50
  have
• 19:50
  them.
• 19:50
  You
• 19:50
  know
• 19:51
  what
• 19:51
  I
• 19:51
  mean?
• 19:51
  But
• 19:51
  it's
• 19:51
  like
• 19:52
  that
• 19:52
  was
• 19:52
  my.
• 19:52
  I
• 19:53
  knew.
• 19:53
  So
• 19:53
  I
• 19:53
  started
• 19:54
  after
• 19:54
  my
• 19:54
  parents.
• 19:55
  But,
• 19:55
  you
• 19:55
  know,
• 19:55
  after
• 19:55
  a
• 19:55
  while
• 19:56
  I
• 19:56
  got
• 19:56
  really
• 19:56
  old
• 19:57
  writing
• 19:58
  something
• 19:58
  and
• 19:58
  then
• 19:58
  getting
• 19:58
  beaten
• 19:59
  up
• 19:59
  for
• 19:59
  it
• 19:59
  the
• 19:59
  next
• 20:00
  day.
• 20:01
  Yeah.
• 20:03
  Wow.
• 20:04
  So.
• 20:04
  But
• 20:04
  there
• 20:04
  is
• 20:05
  so
• 20:05
  much
• 20:06
  power
• 20:06
  in
• 20:07
  just
• 20:07
  speaking
• 20:08
  it
• 20:08
  and
• 20:08
  writing
• 20:09
  it.
• 20:09
  I
• 20:09
  just.
• 20:09
  We
• 20:09
  were
• 20:10
  just
• 20:10
  talking
• 20:10
  about
• 20:10
  that
• 20:11
  with.
• 20:11
  Who
• 20:11
  was.
• 20:11
  It
• 20:11
  was
• 20:12
  a.
• 20:13
  Can't
• 20:13
  think
• 20:13
  of
• 20:13
  her
• 20:13
  name.
• 20:14
  But
• 20:14
  she
• 20:14
  was
• 20:14
  doing
• 20:14
  like
• 20:14
  she
• 20:15
  does,
• 20:15
  energy
• 20:15
  healing.
• 20:16
  And
• 20:16
  she
• 20:16
  said,
• 20:17
  you
• 20:17
  know,
• 20:17
  just.
• 20:18
  Just
• 20:18
  write
• 20:18
  it
• 20:18
  down.
• 20:19
  You
• 20:19
  gotta
• 20:19
  write
• 20:19
  it
• 20:20
  down
• 20:20
  and.
• 20:20
  And
• 20:21
  make
• 20:21
  that
• 20:21
  connection.
• 20:22
  And
• 20:23
  that's
• 20:23
  really
• 20:23
  good
• 20:24
  advice.
• 20:24
  Really,
• 20:24
  really
• 20:25
  good
• 20:25
  advice.
• 20:25
  Yeah.
• 20:26
  Because
• 20:26
  I.
• 20:26
  I
• 20:27
  mean,
• 20:27
  I
• 20:27
  could
• 20:27
  say,
• 20:27
  oh,
• 20:27
  go
• 20:27
  see
• 20:28
  a
• 20:28
  therapist.
• 20:28
  But
• 20:28
  I
• 20:29
  know
• 20:29
  in
• 20:29
  my
• 20:29
  own
• 20:29
  experience
• 20:30
  I've
• 20:30
  had
• 20:30
  five,
• 20:32
  not
• 20:32
  all
• 20:32
  of
• 20:32
  them
• 20:32
  are
• 20:32
  helpful.
• 20:33
  Then
• 20:33
  you
• 20:33
  feel
• 20:33
  like
• 20:33
  you're
• 20:34
  reciting
• 20:34
  the
• 20:34
  same
• 20:34
  thing
• 20:35
  over
• 20:35
  and
• 20:35
  over
• 20:35
  and
• 20:35
  you
• 20:36
  give
• 20:36
  up.
• 20:36
  And
• 20:36
  I
• 20:36
  don't
• 20:37
  want
• 20:37
  to
• 20:37
  give
• 20:37
  that
• 20:37
  advice
• 20:37
  to
• 20:38
  somebody,
• 20:38
  you
• 20:38
  know,
• 20:39
  to
• 20:39
  tell
• 20:39
  somebody.
• 20:40
  So
• 20:40
  for
• 20:41
  me,
• 20:41
  the
• 20:41
  best
• 20:41
  thing
• 20:41
  I
• 20:42
  did
• 20:42
  just
• 20:42
  from
• 20:42
  my
• 20:42
  own
• 20:42
  experience
• 20:43
  is
• 20:43
  to
• 20:43
  write
• 20:43
  it
• 20:44
  something
• 20:44
  down.
• 20:44
  To
• 20:45
  release
• 20:45
  it
• 20:45
  out
• 20:45
  of
• 20:46
  your
• 20:46
  body
• 20:47
  and
• 20:47
  then
• 20:48
  do
• 20:48
  what
• 20:48
  you,
• 20:48
  you
• 20:49
  were
• 20:49
  suggesting
• 20:49
  is
• 20:49
  to
• 20:50
  either
• 20:50
  burn
• 20:50
  it,
• 20:50
  crumple
• 20:51
  it
• 20:51
  up,
• 20:51
  or
• 20:51
  just
• 20:52
  to
• 20:52
  put
• 20:52
  your
• 20:53
  thoughts
• 20:53
  down
• 20:53
  on
• 20:54
  paper,
• 20:54
  your
• 20:55
  papers,
• 20:55
  the
• 20:55
  receiver
• 20:56
  of
• 20:57
  the
• 20:57
  information.
• 20:59
  Yeah,
• 21:00
  yeah.
• 21:00
  And
• 21:00
  you
• 21:00
  made
• 21:00
  a
• 21:00
  very
• 21:01
  valid
• 21:01
  point
• 21:01
  of
• 21:01
  getting
• 21:02
  it
• 21:02
  out
• 21:02
  of
• 21:02
  your
• 21:02
  body
• 21:02
  because
• 21:03
  I
• 21:03
  think
• 21:03
  that
• 21:03
  is
• 21:04
  with
• 21:04
  the
• 21:04
  people
• 21:05
  that
• 21:05
  have
• 21:05
  that
• 21:05
  kind.
• 21:05
  I
• 21:06
  mean,
• 21:06
  I
• 21:06
  don't,
• 21:06
  I
• 21:06
  didn't,
• 21:07
  we
• 21:07
  didn't
• 21:07
  even
• 21:07
  get
• 21:07
  into
• 21:07
  the
• 21:08
  physical
• 21:08
  manifestation
• 21:09
  of
• 21:09
  what
• 21:09
  you
• 21:09
  were
• 21:09
  going
• 21:10
  through.
• 21:10
  But
• 21:10
  to
• 21:10
  keep
• 21:11
  that
• 21:11
  kind
• 21:11
  of
• 21:11
  pain
• 21:11
  and
• 21:12
  grief
• 21:12
  inside
• 21:13
  of
• 21:13
  you
• 21:13
  and
• 21:13
  not
• 21:14
  have
• 21:14
  a
• 21:14
  way
• 21:14
  to
• 21:14
  get
• 21:15
  it
• 21:15
  out
• 21:15
  of
• 21:15
  your
• 21:15
  body
• 21:16
  cannot
• 21:17
  be
• 21:17
  good
• 21:17
  for
• 21:17
  your
• 21:17
  body.
• 21:19
  Yeah,
• 21:19
  yeah,
• 21:20
  yeah.
• 21:20
  I,
• 21:20
  I
• 21:21
  know
• 21:21
  it
• 21:21
  very
• 21:22
  well.
• 21:23
  I
• 21:23
  know
• 21:24
  it
• 21:24
  very
• 21:24
  well.
• 21:24
  I,
• 21:24
  I
• 21:25
  wish
• 21:25
  that,
• 21:25
  you
• 21:25
  know,
• 21:26
  looking
• 21:26
  back,
• 21:26
  that
• 21:26
  I
• 21:26
  had
• 21:27
  written
• 21:27
  more
• 21:28
  on
• 21:28
  a
• 21:28
  daily
• 21:28
  basis.
• 21:29
  I,
• 21:29
  I
• 21:30
  used
• 21:30
  to
• 21:30
  only
• 21:30
  write
• 21:31
  like
• 21:31
  maybe
• 21:31
  once
• 21:32
  or
• 21:32
  twice
• 21:32
  a
• 21:32
  week,
• 21:33
  but
• 21:33
  I
• 21:33
  wish
• 21:33
  I
• 21:33
  had
• 21:34
  done
• 21:34
  it
• 21:34
  more
• 21:35
  on,
• 21:35
  on
• 21:35
  a
• 21:35
  daily
• 21:36
  basis,
• 21:36
  even
• 21:36
  if
• 21:36
  it's
• 21:37
  just
• 21:37
  a
• 21:37
  sentence.
• 21:37
  So,
• 21:38
  you
• 21:38
  know,
• 21:38
  action
• 21:38
  puts
• 21:39
  things
• 21:39
  into
• 21:39
  motion
• 21:40
  and
• 21:40
  it
• 21:40
  makes
• 21:40
  you
• 21:41
  feel
• 21:41
  alive
• 21:41
  and
• 21:41
  not
• 21:42
  be
• 21:43
  stuck
• 21:43
  in
• 21:43
  your
• 21:44
  depression
• 21:44
  or
• 21:45
  feel
• 21:45
  locked
• 21:45
  in
• 21:46
  to,
• 21:46
  to
• 21:46
  the
• 21:47
  mode
• 21:47
  that
• 21:47
  you're
• 21:47
  in.
• 21:48
  Absolutely.
• 21:49
  And,
• 21:49
  and
• 21:49
  you
• 21:49
  know,
• 21:50
  we
• 21:50
  were
• 21:50
  talking
• 21:50
  about
• 21:50
  like
• 21:50
  the
• 21:51
  five
• 21:51
  stages
• 21:51
  of
• 21:51
  grief
• 21:52
  and,
• 21:53
  and
• 21:53
  I
• 21:53
  want
• 21:53
  to
• 21:54
  hear
• 21:54
  your
• 21:54
  take
• 21:54
  on
• 21:54
  this
• 21:55
  because
• 21:55
  I
• 21:55
  personally
• 21:56
  do
• 21:57
  not
• 21:57
  believe
• 21:57
  there
• 21:57
  is
• 21:57
  any
• 21:58
  timeline
• 21:58
  in
• 21:58
  grief.
• 22:00
  I
• 22:00
  don't
• 22:00
  care
• 22:00
  if
• 22:00
  something
• 22:01
  happened
• 22:01
  to
• 22:01
  you
• 22:01
  when
• 22:01
  you
• 22:01
  were
• 22:02
  three,
• 22:02
  if
• 22:02
  you
• 22:02
  have
• 22:02
  not
• 22:03
  dealt
• 22:03
  with
• 22:03
  it
• 22:03
  and
• 22:04
  you're
• 22:04
  still
• 22:04
  57,
• 22:05
  you're
• 22:05
  still
• 22:05
  grieving
• 22:06
  that
• 22:06
  if
• 22:07
  you
• 22:07
  have
• 22:07
  not
• 22:07
  dealt
• 22:07
  with
• 22:07
  it.
• 22:08
  So
• 22:08
  what
• 22:08
  are
• 22:08
  your
• 22:08
  thoughts
• 22:09
  on
• 22:09
  that?
• 22:10
  I
• 22:10
  1000%
• 22:11
  agree
• 22:11
  with
• 22:11
  you
• 22:11
  that
• 22:12
  there's
• 22:12
  no
• 22:12
  timeline.
• 22:13
  I
• 22:13
  remember
• 22:14
  my
• 22:15
  ex
• 22:15
  would
• 22:16
  say
• 22:16
  to
• 22:16
  me
• 22:16
  when
• 22:16
  we
• 22:16
  were
• 22:16
  in
• 22:17
  couples
• 22:17
  counseling,
• 22:18
  well,
• 22:18
  you
• 22:18
  need
• 22:18
  to
• 22:18
  heal
• 22:18
  faster
• 22:19
  so
• 22:20
  that
• 22:20
  our
• 22:20
  relationship
• 22:20
  could
• 22:21
  get
• 22:21
  better.
• 22:22
  And
• 22:23
  that
• 22:23
  was
• 22:24
  just
• 22:24
  the
• 22:25
  most
• 22:25
  heartbreaking
• 22:25
  thing
• 22:26
  to
• 22:26
  me
• 22:26
  because
• 22:26
  I
• 22:26
  wasn't
• 22:27
  ready.
• 22:27
  Like,
• 22:27
  you
• 22:27
  can't
• 22:28
  put
• 22:28
  somebody
• 22:29
  on
• 22:29
  a
• 22:29
  five
• 22:29
  step
• 22:30
  program
• 22:30
  to
• 22:31
  heal.
• 22:32
  I,
• 22:33
  you
• 22:33
  know,
• 22:33
  if
• 22:33
  somebody's
• 22:33
  trying
• 22:34
  to
• 22:34
  sell
• 22:34
  you
• 22:34
  that
• 22:35
  you
• 22:35
  can
• 22:35
  go
• 22:35
  through
• 22:36
  those
• 22:36
  steps,
• 22:37
  but
• 22:37
  it
• 22:37
  doesn't
• 22:37
  mean
• 22:38
  that
• 22:38
  after
• 22:38
  you've
• 22:39
  read
• 22:39
  that
• 22:39
  book
• 22:39
  or,
• 22:40
  or
• 22:40
  did
• 22:40
  those
• 22:41
  exercises
• 22:41
  that
• 22:42
  it's
• 22:42
  going
• 22:42
  to
• 22:42
  immediately
• 22:43
  happen.
• 22:43
  It,
• 22:44
  it
• 22:44
  doesn't
• 22:45
  because
• 22:45
  you
• 22:45
  have
• 22:45
  to
• 22:45
  one
• 22:46
  realize
• 22:47
  that
• 22:47
  it's
• 22:47
  an,
• 22:48
  you
• 22:48
  know,
• 22:48
  it's,
• 22:48
  it's
• 22:49
  a
• 22:49
  pain
• 22:49
  that
• 22:49
  you're
• 22:49
  experiencing.
• 22:50
  First
• 22:51
  of
• 22:51
  all,
• 22:51
  where
• 22:52
  is
• 22:52
  it
• 22:52
  coming
• 22:52
  from?
• 22:52
  What's
• 22:53
  the
• 22:53
  Roots
• 22:53
  of
• 22:53
  it.
• 22:54
  Like
• 22:54
  I
• 22:55
  said,
• 22:55
  it
• 22:55
  took
• 22:55
  me
• 22:55
  20
• 22:55
  years
• 22:56
  to
• 22:56
  even
• 22:56
  realize
• 22:57
  how
• 22:57
  I
• 22:57
  was
• 22:59
  operating.
• 23:00
  Right.
• 23:00
  I
• 23:01
  literally
• 23:01
  was
• 23:01
  on
• 23:02
  muscle
• 23:02
  memory
• 23:03
  the
• 23:03
  entire
• 23:04
  time
• 23:04
  period.
• 23:05
  You
• 23:05
  know,
• 23:05
  like,
• 23:05
  on
• 23:06
  paper,
• 23:06
  visually
• 23:07
  and.
• 23:07
  And
• 23:08
  financially,
• 23:08
  I
• 23:08
  was
• 23:09
  successful,
• 23:10
  but
• 23:10
  inside
• 23:11
  I
• 23:11
  hated
• 23:11
  myself.
• 23:12
  Tammy.
• 23:13
  Yeah.
• 23:14
  Yeah.
• 23:15
  Bless
• 23:16
  your
• 23:16
  heart.
• 23:16
  Yeah.
• 23:17
  And
• 23:17
  that's.
• 23:17
  That's
• 23:17
  why
• 23:17
  when
• 23:17
  we
• 23:17
  were
• 23:18
  talking
• 23:18
  about,
• 23:18
  like,
• 23:18
  this
• 23:18
  cliches,
• 23:19
  like,
• 23:19
  I
• 23:19
  can
• 23:19
  picture,
• 23:20
  you
• 23:20
  know,
• 23:20
  I'm
• 23:20
  picturing
• 23:21
  some
• 23:21
  of
• 23:21
  the
• 23:21
  things,
• 23:22
  you
• 23:22
  know,
• 23:22
  and
• 23:23
  I
• 23:23
  can.
• 23:23
  I
• 23:23
  can
• 23:23
  do
• 23:23
  the
• 23:24
  same
• 23:24
  thing.
• 23:24
  I
• 23:24
  had
• 23:24
  a
• 23:24
  foster
• 23:25
  sister
• 23:25
  who
• 23:25
  shot
• 23:25
  herself.
• 23:26
  And,
• 23:26
  you
• 23:27
  know,
• 23:27
  and
• 23:27
  I
• 23:27
  can
• 23:27
  remember
• 23:28
  people
• 23:28
  going,
• 23:28
  it
• 23:29
  was
• 23:29
  six
• 23:29
  months
• 23:29
  ago.
• 23:30
  Get
• 23:30
  over
• 23:30
  it.
• 23:30
  What
• 23:30
  do
• 23:31
  you
• 23:31
  mean,
• 23:31
  get
• 23:31
  over
• 23:31
  it?
• 23:32
  Yeah,
• 23:32
  like,
• 23:33
  I
• 23:33
  didn't
• 23:33
  have
• 23:33
  any.
• 23:34
  Like,
• 23:35
  I
• 23:35
  didn't
• 23:35
  even
• 23:35
  deal.
• 23:35
  I
• 23:35
  know.
• 23:36
  I
• 23:36
  don't
• 23:36
  even
• 23:36
  think
• 23:36
  I
• 23:36
  ever
• 23:37
  dealt
• 23:37
  with
• 23:37
  that
• 23:37
  until,
• 23:37
  like,
• 23:38
  I
• 23:38
  was,
• 23:38
  like,
• 23:38
  40.
• 23:39
  Yeah.
• 23:39
  You
• 23:40
  know,
• 23:40
  when
• 23:40
  I
• 23:40
  was
• 23:40
  16,
• 23:41
  in
• 23:41
  the
• 23:41
  same
• 23:41
  house
• 23:42
  with
• 23:42
  her,
• 23:42
  you
• 23:42
  know.
• 23:44
  Yeah.
• 23:44
  For.
• 23:44
  For
• 23:45
  me,
• 23:45
  it
• 23:45
  was
• 23:45
  avoiding
• 23:46
  my.
• 23:47
  The
• 23:47
  pain
• 23:48
  that
• 23:48
  I
• 23:48
  was
• 23:48
  experiencing,
• 23:49
  the
• 23:49
  heartbreaks
• 23:50
  that
• 23:50
  I
• 23:51
  experiencing.
• 23:52
  And
• 23:52
  then
• 23:53
  I.
• 23:53
  I
• 23:53
  try
• 23:54
  to
• 23:54
  shove
• 23:54
  it
• 23:54
  away
• 23:54
  and
• 23:55
  lock
• 23:55
  and
• 23:55
  key
• 23:55
  and
• 23:56
  exile
• 23:56
  those
• 23:56
  emotions
• 23:57
  as
• 23:57
  much
• 23:57
  as
• 23:58
  possible.
• 24:00
  But
• 24:00
  then
• 24:01
  it
• 24:01
  also
• 24:01
  prevented
• 24:02
  me
• 24:02
  from
• 24:02
  being
• 24:02
  able
• 24:03
  to
• 24:03
  fully
• 24:03
  open
• 24:03
  up
• 24:04
  to
• 24:04
  anybody,
• 24:04
  to
• 24:05
  fully
• 24:05
  love
• 24:05
  somebody,
• 24:06
  you
• 24:06
  know,
• 24:06
  and
• 24:07
  allowing.
• 24:08
  I
• 24:08
  think
• 24:08
  that
• 24:08
  contributed
• 24:09
  to
• 24:09
  the
• 24:09
  downfall
• 24:09
  of
• 24:10
  my
• 24:10
  marriage,
• 24:10
  too,
• 24:10
  is
• 24:10
  because
• 24:11
  I
• 24:11
  wasn't
• 24:11
  open
• 24:11
  enough
• 24:12
  yet
• 24:12
  and
• 24:12
  wasn't
• 24:13
  ready
• 24:13
  to
• 24:13
  be
• 24:13
  open
• 24:13
  enough
• 24:13
  yet
• 24:14
  to
• 24:14
  receive
• 24:14
  the
• 24:14
  love
• 24:15
  again
• 24:16
  because
• 24:16
  I
• 24:16
  was
• 24:16
  so
• 24:17
  scared.
• 24:18
  Right.
• 24:18
  And.
• 24:19
  Yeah.
• 24:20
  So
• 24:21
  you
• 24:21
  mentioned
• 24:21
  something
• 24:21
  in
• 24:22
  one
• 24:22
  of
• 24:22
  our
• 24:22
  questions
• 24:22
  that
• 24:23
  we
• 24:23
  had
• 24:23
  talked
• 24:23
  about
• 24:23
  about
• 24:23
  a
• 24:23
  Gold
• 24:24
  Star
• 24:24
  syndrome.
• 24:25
  Is
• 24:25
  that
• 24:25
  the
• 24:25
  perfectionism
• 24:26
  that
• 24:26
  you're
• 24:26
  talking
• 24:27
  about?
• 24:27
  That
• 24:27
  is,
• 24:28
  yeah.
• 24:28
  I
• 24:28
  really
• 24:29
  thought
• 24:29
  that
• 24:30
  keeping
• 24:30
  myself
• 24:30
  busy
• 24:31
  just
• 24:31
  to
• 24:32
  keep
• 24:32
  my
• 24:32
  mind
• 24:32
  off
• 24:32
  of
• 24:33
  things
• 24:33
  and
• 24:33
  overbooked
• 24:34
  calendar,
• 24:34
  like,
• 24:35
  that
• 24:35
  was
• 24:35
  my.
• 24:37
  My
• 24:37
  thing
• 24:37
  that
• 24:38
  I
• 24:38
  resorted
• 24:38
  to
• 24:39
  to
• 24:39
  keep
• 24:40
  myself
• 24:40
  from
• 24:41
  feeling
• 24:41
  any
• 24:42
  emotions
• 24:43
  at
• 24:43
  all.
• 24:44
  So
• 24:44
  my
• 24:45
  therapist
• 24:45
  had
• 24:46
  said,
• 24:46
  you
• 24:46
  know,
• 24:46
  when
• 24:47
  I
• 24:47
  started
• 24:47
  working
• 24:47
  with
• 24:47
  him
• 24:47
  about
• 24:48
  four
• 24:48
  or
• 24:48
  five
• 24:48
  years
• 24:49
  ago.
• 24:49
  So,
• 24:50
  Helen,
• 24:50
  you
• 24:50
  came
• 24:50
  in
• 24:50
  here
• 24:50
  and
• 24:51
  you
• 24:51
  had,
• 24:51
  like,
• 24:51
  three
• 24:51
  feelings.
• 24:52
  Happy,
• 24:52
  annoyed,
• 24:53
  angry,
• 24:53
  sad.
• 24:54
  And
• 24:54
  that
• 24:55
  was
• 24:55
  pretty
• 24:55
  much
• 24:55
  it.
• 24:56
  Right.
• 24:57
  You
• 24:58
  know,
• 24:58
  I
• 24:58
  discovered
• 24:58
  disappointment,
• 25:00
  I
• 25:00
  discovered
• 25:01
  embarrassment
• 25:02
  and
• 25:02
  shame.
• 25:02
  And
• 25:03
  really,
• 25:05
  obviously
• 25:05
  I
• 25:06
  felt
• 25:06
  those
• 25:06
  things.
• 25:06
  But.
• 25:07
  But
• 25:07
  sitting
• 25:07
  in
• 25:08
  it
• 25:08
  and
• 25:08
  allowing
• 25:08
  myself
• 25:09
  to.
• 25:10
  To
• 25:11
  go
• 25:11
  through
• 25:11
  those
• 25:11
  motions
• 25:12
  and
• 25:12
  working
• 25:12
  through
• 25:12
  it
• 25:13
  in
• 25:13
  a
• 25:13
  healthy
• 25:13
  way
• 25:14
  instead
• 25:14
  of
• 25:14
  being
• 25:15
  combustible
• 25:15
  or
• 25:15
  extremely
• 25:16
  reactive
• 25:17
  and
• 25:17
  projecting
• 25:17
  it
• 25:18
  onto
• 25:18
  other
• 25:18
  people,
• 25:19
  that's.
• 25:20
  That's
• 25:20
  what
• 25:20
  it
• 25:20
  was.
• 25:20
  But,
• 25:21
  yeah,
• 25:21
  the
• 25:21
  Gold
• 25:22
  Star
• 25:22
  syndrome,
• 25:22
  that
• 25:22
  was.
• 25:23
  That
• 25:23
  was
• 25:23
  me.
• 25:24
  I
• 25:24
  was
• 25:24
  just
• 25:24
  driving
• 25:24
  for
• 25:25
  the
• 25:25
  next
• 25:25
  dollar,
• 25:26
  like,
• 25:26
  looking
• 25:27
  for
• 25:27
  money,
• 25:27
  recognition,
• 25:28
  acknowledgments,
• 25:29
  awards,
• 25:29
  things
• 25:29
  like
• 25:30
  that.
• 25:30
  And
• 25:30
  that
• 25:31
  drew
• 25:31
  my
• 25:31
  life,
• 25:32
  and
• 25:32
  I
• 25:32
  became
• 25:32
  robotic.
• 25:33
  And
• 25:33
  like
• 25:33
  I
• 25:33
  said,
• 25:34
  Just
• 25:34
  muscle
• 25:34
  memory
• 25:35
  of
• 25:35
  doing,
• 25:35
  doing,
• 25:35
  doing,
• 25:36
  but
• 25:37
  not
• 25:37
  really
• 25:38
  being
• 25:39
  what
• 25:39
  was
• 25:39
  inside
• 25:40
  of
• 25:40
  me.
• 25:40
  Yeah.
• 25:41
  Yeah.
• 25:41
  And,
• 25:42
  you
• 25:42
  know,
• 25:42
  that's
• 25:42
  very
• 25:42
  normal
• 25:43
  with
• 25:43
  when
• 25:44
  people
• 25:44
  go
• 25:44
  through
• 25:44
  addiction
• 25:45
  recovery,
• 25:46
  too.
• 25:46
  And
• 25:46
  it's
• 25:47
  so
• 25:47
  funny
• 25:47
  because
• 25:48
  people
• 25:48
  will
• 25:48
  be
• 25:48
  like,
• 25:49
  well,
• 25:49
  I'm
• 25:49
  not
• 25:49
  drinking.
• 25:49
  But
• 25:50
  now
• 25:50
  you've
• 25:50
  picked
• 25:50
  up
• 25:50
  three
• 25:51
  jobs
• 25:51
  and
• 25:51
  you're
• 25:51
  working
• 25:52
  22
• 25:52
  hours
• 25:53
  a
• 25:53
  day.
• 25:54
  Like,
• 25:54
  you're
• 25:55
  now
• 25:55
  just.
• 25:55
  That's
• 25:56
  your
• 25:56
  addiction
• 25:56
  now.
• 25:56
  Like,
• 25:57
  you
• 25:57
  literally
• 25:57
  have
• 25:57
  just
• 25:58
  moved
• 25:58
  it
• 25:58
  into
• 25:58
  that.
• 25:59
  Because
• 25:59
  it's
• 25:59
  just
• 25:59
  a.
• 26:00
  It's
• 26:00
  a
• 26:00
  coping
• 26:00
  mechanism
• 26:01
  to
• 26:01
  block
• 26:01
  everything
• 26:02
  out.
• 26:02
  So
• 26:03
  you
• 26:03
  might
• 26:03
  as
• 26:03
  well
• 26:03
  just
• 26:03
  go
• 26:04
  back
• 26:04
  to
• 26:04
  drinking
• 26:04
  because
• 26:04
  at
• 26:05
  least
• 26:05
  you
• 26:05
  don't
• 26:05
  have
• 26:05
  to
• 26:05
  work
• 26:05
  three
• 26:06
  jobs.
• 26:06
  The
• 26:06
  addiction
• 26:07
  shifted
• 26:07
  to
• 26:08
  something
• 26:08
  else.
• 26:08
  Right.
• 26:09
  Like,
• 26:09
  I
• 26:09
  was
• 26:09
  addicted
• 26:10
  to
• 26:10
  work.
• 26:10
  It
• 26:10
  kept
• 26:10
  my
• 26:10
  mind
• 26:11
  busy
• 26:11
  enough
• 26:11
  to
• 26:12
  think
• 26:12
  about
• 26:12
  what
• 26:13
  was
• 26:13
  really
• 26:13
  internally
• 26:14
  happening.
• 26:14
  Yep.
• 26:15
  When
• 26:15
  my
• 26:15
  mom
• 26:15
  died,
• 26:16
  I
• 26:16
  was
• 26:16
  the
• 26:16
  same
• 26:16
  way.
• 26:16
  I
• 26:16
  literally
• 26:17
  was
• 26:17
  in
• 26:17
  high
• 26:17
  school
• 26:18
  and
• 26:18
  just
• 26:18
  out
• 26:18
  of
• 26:18
  high
• 26:19
  school
• 26:19
  and
• 26:19
  literally
• 26:20
  working
• 26:20
  two,
• 26:20
  three
• 26:20
  jobs.
• 26:21
  It
• 26:21
  was
• 26:21
  24
• 26:21
  hours
• 26:22
  a
• 26:22
  day.
• 26:22
  And.
• 26:23
  And
• 26:23
  I
• 26:23
  even
• 26:23
  find
• 26:23
  me.
• 26:24
  And
• 26:24
  I'm
• 26:24
  57
• 26:24
  now,
• 26:25
  but
• 26:25
  I
• 26:25
  find
• 26:25
  that
• 26:25
  when
• 26:26
  I
• 26:26
  start
• 26:26
  getting
• 26:26
  stressed
• 26:27
  out,
• 26:27
  it's
• 26:27
  like,
• 26:27
  what
• 26:27
  do
• 26:27
  I
• 26:27
  do?
• 26:28
  I
• 26:28
  just.
• 26:28
  I
• 26:28
  work.
• 26:28
  I
• 26:29
  keep.
• 26:29
  You
• 26:29
  know,
• 26:30
  it's
• 26:30
  like.
• 26:30
  Because
• 26:31
  at
• 26:31
  least
• 26:31
  I
• 26:31
  feel
• 26:31
  like,
• 26:32
  well,
• 26:32
  at
• 26:32
  least
• 26:32
  I'm
• 26:32
  doing
• 26:32
  something
• 26:33
  productive.
• 26:34
  That's
• 26:34
  right.
• 26:34
  See?
• 26:34
  So
• 26:35
  you
• 26:35
  understand
• 26:35
  what
• 26:35
  I
• 26:35
  mean.
• 26:36
  It's
• 26:36
  like,
• 26:36
  oh,
• 26:36
  at
• 26:36
  least
• 26:36
  I'm
• 26:36
  doing
• 26:37
  something
• 26:37
  with
• 26:37
  my
• 26:37
  life
• 26:38
  and
• 26:38
  not
• 26:38
  like,
• 26:39
  you
• 26:39
  know,
• 26:39
  sitting
• 26:39
  crying
• 26:40
  in
• 26:40
  my
• 26:40
  closet.
• 26:40
  Like,
• 26:41
  come
• 26:41
  on,
• 26:41
  Helen,
• 26:41
  get
• 26:41
  yourself
• 26:42
  together.
• 26:42
  Like,
• 26:43
  that
• 26:43
  was
• 26:43
  the
• 26:43
  dialogue
• 26:43
  I
• 26:44
  was
• 26:44
  telling
• 26:44
  myself.
• 26:46
  But,
• 26:46
  you
• 26:46
  know,
• 26:46
  we
• 26:47
  all
• 26:47
  know
• 26:47
  it's.
• 26:47
  It's
• 26:48
  okay
• 26:48
  to
• 26:48
  not
• 26:48
  be
• 26:48
  okay
• 26:49
  and
• 26:49
  not
• 26:49
  be
• 26:49
  okay.
• 26:49
  We
• 26:50
  just
• 26:50
  need
• 26:50
  someone
• 26:50
  to
• 26:51
  validate
• 26:51
  that
• 26:51
  and
• 26:52
  be
• 26:52
  like,
• 26:52
  yes,
• 26:52
  it's.
• 26:52
  Take
• 26:53
  the
• 26:53
  time.
• 26:53
  Heal
• 26:54
  yourself.
• 26:55
  So,
• 26:55
  wow,
• 26:56
  that's.
• 26:56
  It's
• 26:57
  like
• 26:58
  you
• 26:58
  said,
• 26:58
  it's
• 26:58
  just
• 26:58
  so
• 26:59
  easy
• 26:59
  to
• 26:59
  go
• 26:59
  back
• 27:00
  into
• 27:00
  that
• 27:00
  coping
• 27:01
  mechanism.
• 27:01
  You
• 27:01
  don't.
• 27:02
  It.
• 27:02
  You
• 27:02
  know,
• 27:03
  for
• 27:03
  me,
• 27:03
  I
• 27:03
  have
• 27:03
  to
• 27:03
  really
• 27:04
  pause
• 27:04
  and
• 27:04
  catch
• 27:04
  myself,
• 27:05
  like,
• 27:05
  is
• 27:06
  this
• 27:06
  an
• 27:06
  opportunity
• 27:07
  that
• 27:07
  I'm
• 27:07
  taking
• 27:07
  on,
• 27:08
  or
• 27:08
  is
• 27:08
  this
• 27:09
  really
• 27:09
  a
• 27:09
  distraction
• 27:11
  from.
• 27:11
  Right.
• 27:12
  Something
• 27:13
  I'm
• 27:13
  trying
• 27:13
  to
• 27:13
  avoid,
• 27:13
  an
• 27:14
  emotion
• 27:14
  I'm
• 27:14
  trying
• 27:14
  to
• 27:14
  avoid.
• 27:15
  Right.
• 27:16
  And
• 27:16
  if,
• 27:16
  you
• 27:17
  know,
• 27:17
  ultimately,
• 27:17
  like
• 27:18
  I
• 27:18
  tell
• 27:18
  people,
• 27:18
  if,
• 27:18
  you
• 27:18
  know
• 27:19
  ultimately,
• 27:19
  like,
• 27:20
  what
• 27:20
  your
• 27:20
  main
• 27:20
  goal
• 27:21
  is
• 27:21
  and
• 27:21
  what
• 27:22
  your
• 27:22
  main
• 27:22
  end
• 27:22
  goal
• 27:23
  is,
• 27:23
  which
• 27:23
  to
• 27:23
  me,
• 27:24
  you
• 27:24
  know,
• 27:24
  is
• 27:24
  peace,
• 27:25
  is
• 27:25
  just
• 27:26
  ultimate
• 27:26
  inner
• 27:26
  peace.
• 27:27
  That's
• 27:28
  what
• 27:28
  I
• 27:28
  want.
• 27:29
  Yeah,
• 27:30
  that's.
• 27:30
  I
• 27:30
  mean,
• 27:30
  and
• 27:30
  that's
• 27:31
  what
• 27:31
  we
• 27:31
  all
• 27:31
  deserve,
• 27:31
  and
• 27:31
  that's
• 27:32
  what
• 27:32
  I
• 27:32
  think
• 27:32
  we're
• 27:32
  all
• 27:32
  striving
• 27:33
  for
• 27:33
  at
• 27:33
  some
• 27:33
  point,
• 27:34
  is
• 27:34
  just
• 27:35
  peace
• 27:35
  in
• 27:35
  our
• 27:36
  mind
• 27:36
  and
• 27:36
  our
• 27:36
  body
• 27:36
  and
• 27:37
  our.
• 27:37
  In
• 27:38
  our
• 27:38
  relationships
• 27:38
  and
• 27:39
  everything
• 27:39
  Just
• 27:39
  peace.
• 27:40
  Yes.
• 27:41
  So
• 27:42
  when
• 27:42
  you
• 27:42
  do
• 27:42
  those
• 27:42
  things,
• 27:43
  like,
• 27:43
  oh,
• 27:43
  I'm
• 27:43
  gonna
• 27:43
  pick
• 27:43
  up
• 27:43
  this
• 27:44
  extra
• 27:44
  task,
• 27:44
  I'm
• 27:44
  gonna
• 27:45
  do
• 27:45
  that.
• 27:45
  It's
• 27:45
  like,
• 27:45
  is
• 27:45
  that
• 27:46
  really
• 27:46
  getting
• 27:46
  me
• 27:46
  there?
• 27:47
  Or
• 27:47
  like
• 27:47
  you
• 27:47
  said,
• 27:48
  is
• 27:48
  that
• 27:48
  a
• 27:48
  band
• 27:48
  aid,
• 27:49
  Right.
• 27:50
  Is
• 27:51
  it
• 27:51
  just
• 27:51
  buying
• 27:51
  me
• 27:51
  enough?
• 27:52
  Yep.
• 27:53
  It's
• 27:53
  a
• 27:53
  distraction.
• 27:53
  Is.
• 27:54
  It's
• 27:54
  just
• 27:54
  buying
• 27:54
  me
• 27:55
  in
• 27:55
  a
• 27:55
  couple
• 27:55
  more
• 27:55
  days,
• 27:56
  right?
• 27:56
  Yeah,
• 27:57
  exactly.
• 27:57
  Yeah.
• 27:58
  I,
• 27:59
  I
• 27:59
  thought
• 27:59
  it
• 27:59
  was
• 28:00
  like,
• 28:00
  oh,
• 28:00
  do
• 28:00
  things
• 28:01
  that
• 28:01
  make
• 28:01
  you
• 28:01
  happy.
• 28:01
  I'm
• 28:02
  like,
• 28:02
  no,
• 28:02
  I'm
• 28:02
  gonna
• 28:02
  do
• 28:02
  things
• 28:02
  that
• 28:03
  give
• 28:03
  me
• 28:03
  peace.
• 28:04
  Yeah.
• 28:05
  And
• 28:05
  calm.
• 28:06
  I
• 28:06
  don't
• 28:07
  want
• 28:07
  to
• 28:07
  overload
• 28:07
  my
• 28:08
  schedule.
• 28:08
  I
• 28:08
  want
• 28:09
  consecutive
• 28:10
  days
• 28:10
  of
• 28:11
  not.
• 28:11
  I
• 28:11
  mean,
• 28:11
  stress
• 28:12
  is
• 28:12
  part
• 28:12
  of
• 28:12
  life
• 28:12
  and
• 28:13
  in
• 28:13
  daily
• 28:13
  activity,
• 28:14
  but
• 28:14
  like,
• 28:15
  how
• 28:15
  many
• 28:15
  consecutive
• 28:16
  days
• 28:16
  can
• 28:16
  I
• 28:16
  have
• 28:16
  of
• 28:17
  like,
• 28:17
  just
• 28:17
  peace
• 28:18
  where
• 28:18
  I'm
• 28:18
  not,
• 28:19
  you
• 28:19
  know,
• 28:19
  moving
• 28:20
  from
• 28:20
  bouncing
• 28:20
  from
• 28:21
  one
• 28:21
  thing
• 28:21
  to
• 28:22
  the
• 28:22
  next
• 28:22
  to
• 28:22
  the
• 28:22
  task
• 28:23
  this
• 28:23
  and
• 28:23
  task
• 28:24
  that,
• 28:25
  you
• 28:26
  know,
• 28:26
  and
• 28:26
  learning
• 28:27
  to
• 28:27
  move
• 28:27
  a
• 28:27
  little
• 28:27
  bit
• 28:27
  slower
• 28:28
  too.
• 28:29
  Right,
• 28:29
  exactly.
• 28:30
  Which
• 28:30
  is
• 28:31
  in
• 28:31
  this
• 28:31
  day
• 28:31
  and
• 28:31
  age
• 28:32
  is
• 28:32
  next
• 28:33
  to
• 28:33
  impossible.
• 28:34
  But
• 28:34
  you
• 28:34
  really.
• 28:36
  Yep.
• 28:36
  In
• 28:37
  this
• 28:37
  day
• 28:37
  and
• 28:37
  age,
• 28:37
  you
• 28:38
  really
• 28:38
  have
• 28:38
  to
• 28:38
  have
• 28:39
  some
• 28:39
  self
• 28:40
  worth
• 28:40
  to
• 28:41
  be
• 28:41
  able
• 28:41
  to
• 28:41
  feel
• 28:42
  like
• 28:42
  you're
• 28:42
  deserved,
• 28:43
  deserving
• 28:43
  enough
• 28:44
  to
• 28:44
  slow
• 28:44
  down.
• 28:45
  That's
• 28:46
  really.
• 28:46
  And
• 28:46
  that's
• 28:46
  hard
• 28:47
  because
• 28:47
  we're
• 28:47
  in
• 28:47
  a
• 28:47
  hustle
• 28:48
  bustle
• 28:48
  world
• 28:48
  and
• 28:49
  it's
• 28:49
  those
• 28:49
  personal
• 28:50
  boundaries
• 28:50
  of,
• 28:51
  you
• 28:51
  know,
• 28:51
  saying
• 28:52
  no,
• 28:52
  not
• 28:53
  taking
• 28:53
  on
• 28:53
  those
• 28:53
  extra
• 28:54
  things.
• 28:55
  Yeah.
• 28:56
  So
• 28:56
  to
• 28:56
  me,
• 28:56
  my
• 28:56
  measurement
• 28:57
  of
• 28:57
  that
• 28:57
  is
• 28:57
  like,
• 28:58
  how
• 28:58
  many,
• 28:58
  you
• 28:58
  know,
• 28:59
  am
• 28:59
  I,
• 29:00
  Do
• 29:00
  I
• 29:00
  have
• 29:01
  how
• 29:01
  many.
• 29:01
  How
• 29:01
  much
• 29:02
  time
• 29:02
  can
• 29:02
  I
• 29:02
  block
• 29:03
  off
• 29:04
  to.
• 29:05
  To
• 29:05
  watch
• 29:05
  tv?
• 29:06
  Like,
• 29:07
  because
• 29:07
  I
• 29:07
  used
• 29:07
  to
• 29:07
  think
• 29:08
  watching
• 29:08
  TV
• 29:08
  was
• 29:09
  lazy.
• 29:09
  That
• 29:09
  was
• 29:09
  from
• 29:10
  my
• 29:10
  upbringing
• 29:10
  too,
• 29:10
  though.
• 29:11
  That
• 29:11
  wasn't
• 29:11
  from
• 29:11
  loss
• 29:12
  or
• 29:12
  anything.
• 29:12
  That
• 29:12
  was,
• 29:13
  you
• 29:13
  know,
• 29:13
  something
• 29:14
  drilled
• 29:14
  in
• 29:14
  me
• 29:15
  where
• 29:15
  you
• 29:15
  can't
• 29:15
  be
• 29:15
  lazy.
• 29:16
  You
• 29:16
  have
• 29:16
  to
• 29:16
  be
• 29:17
  productive.
• 29:18
  And
• 29:19
  watching
• 29:19
  TV
• 29:19
  is.
• 29:21
  You're
• 29:21
  not
• 29:21
  doing
• 29:21
  what
• 29:21
  you
• 29:22
  need
• 29:22
  to
• 29:22
  be
• 29:22
  doing.
• 29:23
  Where
• 29:24
  sometimes
• 29:25
  it's
• 29:25
  just
• 29:25
  a
• 29:25
  mental
• 29:25
  break.
• 29:26
  I
• 29:26
  know.
• 29:27
  Sometimes
• 29:28
  literally
• 29:29
  shows.
• 29:29
  Now
• 29:30
  my,
• 29:30
  My
• 29:31
  husband
• 29:31
  picked
• 29:31
  like
• 29:32
  a
• 29:32
  show.
• 29:32
  Like
• 29:32
  right
• 29:32
  now
• 29:33
  he's
• 29:33
  on
• 29:33
  the
• 29:33
  Love
• 29:33
  Boat.
• 29:34
  You
• 29:34
  ever
• 29:34
  watch
• 29:34
  the
• 29:34
  Love
• 29:35
  Boat?
• 29:35
  No.
• 29:35
  I'm
• 29:35
  watching
• 29:36
  every
• 29:37
  day.
• 29:37
  I
• 29:37
  come
• 29:37
  home
• 29:37
  and
• 29:38
  he.
• 29:38
  He's
• 29:39
  a
• 29:39
  fisherman.
• 29:39
  He
• 29:39
  gets
• 29:39
  upset.
• 29:40
  Super
• 29:40
  early
• 29:40
  in
• 29:40
  the
• 29:40
  morning,
• 29:41
  he
• 29:41
  comes
• 29:41
  home,
• 29:41
  he
• 29:41
  sits
• 29:42
  on
• 29:42
  his
• 29:42
  couch
• 29:42
  and
• 29:42
  he
• 29:42
  turns
• 29:43
  on
• 29:43
  the
• 29:43
  Love
• 29:43
  Boat.
• 29:43
  And
• 29:43
  I'm
• 29:44
  like,
• 29:44
  okay,
• 29:44
  that's
• 29:44
  what
• 29:45
  we're
• 29:45
  doing.
• 29:45
  And
• 29:45
  that's
• 29:45
  kind
• 29:46
  of
• 29:46
  our.
• 29:47
  Just,
• 29:49
  you
• 29:49
  know,
• 29:49
  and
• 29:49
  part
• 29:49
  of
• 29:49
  me
• 29:50
  is
• 29:50
  like,
• 29:50
  okay,
• 29:50
  if
• 29:50
  I
• 29:51
  was
• 29:51
  stressed
• 29:51
  out,
• 29:51
  it
• 29:51
  would
• 29:52
  probably
• 29:52
  be
• 29:52
  a
• 29:52
  bad
• 29:52
  thing.
• 29:52
  But
• 29:53
  that
• 29:53
  is
• 29:53
  my
• 29:53
  like,
• 29:55
  like,
• 29:55
  we're
• 29:55
  just
• 29:55
  gonna
• 29:56
  watch
• 29:56
  some
• 29:56
  stupid,
• 29:57
  frivolous
• 29:58
  1980s
• 29:59
  90s
• 30:00
  show.
• 30:01
  But
• 30:02
  it's,
• 30:02
  it
• 30:02
  is
• 30:03
  funny.
• 30:03
  But
• 30:03
  then
• 30:03
  again,
• 30:04
  you
• 30:04
  have
• 30:04
  to
• 30:04
  be
• 30:04
  careful
• 30:05
  for
• 30:05
  the
• 30:05
  people
• 30:05
  out
• 30:05
  there
• 30:05
  listening.
• 30:06
  Like
• 30:07
  the
• 30:07
  domes,
• 30:07
  the
• 30:08
  doom.
• 30:08
  Scrolling
• 30:09
  like
• 30:10
  that
• 30:10
  is.
• 30:10
  That
• 30:11
  is
• 30:11
  a
• 30:11
  form
• 30:11
  of
• 30:11
  dissociation.
• 30:12
  You
• 30:13
  literally
• 30:13
  are
• 30:14
  just.
• 30:15
  I
• 30:15
  can't
• 30:15
  deal.
• 30:16
  I'm
• 30:16
  overwhelmed.
• 30:17
  I'm
• 30:17
  gonna
• 30:17
  just
• 30:17
  do
• 30:18
  that.
• 30:18
  Yep.
• 30:19
  And,
• 30:20
  but
• 30:20
  you
• 30:20
  know,
• 30:21
  at
• 30:21
  the
• 30:21
  same,
• 30:21
  like
• 30:22
  sometimes
• 30:22
  five
• 30:23
  minutes.
• 30:23
  That's
• 30:23
  why
• 30:23
  I
• 30:23
  say
• 30:24
  set
• 30:24
  some
• 30:24
  boundaries.
• 30:25
  Like
• 30:25
  five,
• 30:25
  ten
• 30:25
  minutes.
• 30:26
  Like
• 30:26
  you
• 30:26
  can
• 30:26
  do
• 30:26
  that.
• 30:27
  Don't.
• 30:27
  If
• 30:27
  you're
• 30:28
  sitting
• 30:28
  there
• 30:28
  six
• 30:28
  hours
• 30:29
  later
• 30:29
  and
• 30:29
  you're
• 30:29
  still
• 30:30
  scrolling,
• 30:30
  maybe
• 30:31
  we
• 30:31
  got
• 30:31
  some
• 30:31
  issues.
• 30:32
  But
• 30:33
  yeah,
• 30:33
  you
• 30:33
  know,
• 30:34
  you
• 30:34
  do
• 30:34
  need
• 30:35
  that
• 30:35
  mental,
• 30:36
  that
• 30:37
  mental
• 30:37
  break.
• 30:38
  I
• 30:38
  mean,
• 30:38
  you
• 30:38
  do.
• 30:40
  Yeah.
• 30:40
  I,
• 30:41
  I
• 30:41
  for
• 30:41
  sure.
• 30:41
  For
• 30:42
  somebody
• 30:42
  who
• 30:42
  is
• 30:43
  a
• 30:43
  workaholic
• 30:43
  like
• 30:44
  me,
• 30:44
  any
• 30:44
  type
• 30:44
  A
• 30:45
  personalities
• 30:46
  out
• 30:46
  there,
• 30:46
  like
• 30:47
  watching
• 30:47
  TV
• 30:47
  is
• 30:48
  okay.
• 30:48
  Every
• 30:48
  now
• 30:49
  and
• 30:49
  again,
• 30:50
  you
• 30:50
  know,
• 30:50
  taking
• 30:50
  a
• 30:50
  mental
• 30:51
  break
• 30:51
  from
• 30:51
  making
• 30:52
  decisions
• 30:54
  for
• 30:54
  an
• 30:54
  hour
• 30:55
  or
• 30:55
  two,
• 30:55
  you
• 30:56
  know,
• 30:56
  I
• 30:56
  had
• 30:56
  to
• 30:56
  rewire
• 30:57
  myself
• 30:58
  and
• 30:58
  relearn
• 30:58
  that
• 30:59
  it's.
• 30:59
  It's
• 30:59
  okay.
• 31:00
  And
• 31:00
  reteach
• 31:00
  myself
• 31:01
  that
• 31:01
  I'm
• 31:01
  not
• 31:01
  a
• 31:01
  lazy
• 31:02
  person.
• 31:02
  I'm
• 31:02
  just
• 31:02
  taking
• 31:03
  a
• 31:03
  mental
• 31:03
  break
• 31:03
  right
• 31:04
  now
• 31:04
  and
• 31:05
  do
• 31:05
  something
• 31:05
  that
• 31:05
  I
• 31:06
  can
• 31:06
  laugh.
• 31:06
  And
• 31:07
  one
• 31:07
  thing
• 31:07
  that
• 31:08
  my
• 31:08
  therapist
• 31:08
  told
• 31:09
  me
• 31:09
  to
• 31:09
  do
• 31:09
  when
• 31:09
  we
• 31:09
  first
• 31:10
  started
• 31:10
  working
• 31:10
  together
• 31:11
  was
• 31:11
  stop
• 31:11
  reading
• 31:11
  self
• 31:12
  help
• 31:12
  books
• 31:12
  and
• 31:12
  start
• 31:13
  reading
• 31:13
  books
• 31:13
  that
• 31:14
  I
• 31:14
  actually
• 31:14
  enjoy.
• 31:15
  And
• 31:16
  that
• 31:16
  was
• 31:16
  even
• 31:16
  really
• 31:17
  hard
• 31:17
  for
• 31:17
  me
• 31:17
  to
• 31:17
  do.
• 31:17
  I'm
• 31:18
  like,
• 31:18
  enjoy
• 31:18
  what?
• 31:19
  Don't
• 31:19
  I
• 31:19
  need
• 31:19
  to
• 31:19
  be
• 31:19
  like,
• 31:20
  working
• 31:20
  on
• 31:21
  myself?
• 31:21
  Yeah.
• 31:22
  Learning
• 31:22
  something
• 31:23
  or
• 31:23
  learning
• 31:24
  something.
• 31:24
  He's
• 31:24
  like,
• 31:25
  fine,
• 31:26
  if
• 31:26
  you
• 31:26
  love
• 31:26
  reading.
• 31:27
  I
• 31:27
  knew
• 31:27
  I
• 31:27
  loved
• 31:28
  reading.
• 31:28
  He
• 31:28
  knew
• 31:28
  that
• 31:29
  too.
• 31:29
  He
• 31:30
  said,
• 31:30
  but
• 31:30
  try
• 31:30
  to
• 31:30
  find
• 31:30
  something
• 31:31
  that's
• 31:31
  entertaining
• 31:32
  just
• 31:32
  in
• 31:32
  pure
• 31:33
  entertainment
• 31:34
  and
• 31:34
  see
• 31:34
  what
• 31:34
  it
• 31:35
  feels
• 31:35
  like.
• 31:36
  That
• 31:36
  was
• 31:36
  my
• 31:36
  introduction
• 31:37
  to
• 31:38
  experiencing
• 31:39
  joy
• 31:39
  again
• 31:39
  and
• 31:39
  not
• 31:40
  trying
• 31:40
  to
• 31:41
  work
• 31:41
  on
• 31:41
  myself
• 31:41
  and
• 31:42
  progressing
• 31:43
  all
• 31:43
  the
• 31:43
  time.
• 31:44
  Yeah.
• 31:45
  How'd
• 31:46
  it
• 31:46
  work
• 31:46
  for
• 31:46
  you?
• 31:47
  It's
• 31:47
  working
• 31:48
  great.
• 31:48
  I
• 31:48
  haven't
• 31:48
  read
• 31:48
  it
• 31:49
  well.
• 31:49
  I
• 31:49
  read
• 31:49
  one
• 31:50
  parenting
• 31:50
  book.
• 31:50
  I
• 31:50
  don't
• 31:50
  know
• 31:51
  if
• 31:51
  you
• 31:51
  consider
• 31:51
  that
• 31:51
  as
• 31:51
  self
• 31:52
  help,
• 31:52
  but,
• 31:52
  you
• 31:52
  know,
• 31:53
  I've
• 31:53
  read
• 31:53
  one
• 31:53
  parenting
• 31:54
  book,
• 31:54
  but
• 31:54
  lately
• 31:55
  I've
• 31:55
  been
• 31:55
  reading
• 31:55
  a
• 31:55
  lot
• 31:55
  of
• 31:56
  memoirs
• 31:56
  and
• 31:57
  fiction.
• 31:58
  Yeah.
• 31:59
  And,
• 32:00
  and
• 32:00
  really.
• 32:00
  And
• 32:01
  that,
• 32:01
  that
• 32:01
  exercise
• 32:02
  has
• 32:02
  really
• 32:03
  forced
• 32:03
  me
• 32:03
  to
• 32:03
  be
• 32:04
  more
• 32:04
  present.
• 32:05
  Yep.
• 32:06
  That's
• 32:06
  a
• 32:06
  good.
• 32:06
  For
• 32:06
  the
• 32:06
  people
• 32:06
  out
• 32:07
  there
• 32:07
  listening.
• 32:07
  That
• 32:07
  is
• 32:08
  actually
• 32:08
  very
• 32:09
  good
• 32:09
  advice
• 32:09
  because
• 32:10
  I,
• 32:10
  I
• 32:10
  agree.
• 32:11
  I
• 32:11
  go
• 32:11
  to
• 32:11
  the
• 32:11
  bookstore
• 32:12
  and
• 32:12
  I
• 32:12
  want
• 32:12
  to
• 32:12
  go.
• 32:12
  I'm
• 32:12
  going
• 32:13
  on
• 32:13
  a
• 32:13
  cruise
• 32:13
  and
• 32:13
  I
• 32:13
  like
• 32:14
  go
• 32:14
  to
• 32:14
  the
• 32:14
  bookstore
• 32:14
  and
• 32:14
  I'm
• 32:15
  like,
• 32:15
  oh,
• 32:15
  let
• 32:15
  me
• 32:15
  get
• 32:15
  something
• 32:16
  so
• 32:16
  I
• 32:16
  can
• 32:16
  sit
• 32:16
  and
• 32:17
  relax.
• 32:17
  Well,
• 32:17
  I'm
• 32:18
  reading
• 32:18
  about
• 32:18
  the
• 32:19
  brain.
• 32:19
  Like
• 32:20
  it's
• 32:20
  not
• 32:20
  relaxing.
• 32:21
  It's
• 32:21
  not.
• 32:21
  Or
• 32:22
  time
• 32:22
  management
• 32:23
  or
• 32:23
  something.
• 32:24
  Yeah.
• 32:24
  It's
• 32:25
  like
• 32:25
  teaching
• 32:25
  me
• 32:25
  what
• 32:25
  to
• 32:26
  do.
• 32:26
  And
• 32:26
  I'm
• 32:26
  taking
• 32:26
  notes
• 32:27
  and
• 32:27
  I'M
• 32:27
  highlighting
• 32:28
  and
• 32:28
  I'm
• 32:29
  is
• 32:29
  not
• 32:29
  relaxing.
• 32:30
  But
• 32:31
  how
• 32:31
  much
• 32:31
  of
• 32:31
  it
• 32:32
  do
• 32:32
  you
• 32:32
  actually
• 32:32
  implement?
• 32:34
  Right,
• 32:35
  Right.
• 32:36
  Like
• 32:37
  you
• 32:37
  read
• 32:37
  20
• 32:37
  self
• 32:38
  help
• 32:38
  professional
• 32:38
  development
• 32:39
  books,
• 32:39
  but
• 32:40
  how
• 32:40
  much
• 32:40
  of
• 32:40
  it
• 32:40
  do
• 32:40
  you
• 32:41
  actually
• 32:41
  implement?
• 32:41
  Like,
• 32:42
  does
• 32:42
  it
• 32:42
  make
• 32:42
  you
• 32:42
  feel
• 32:42
  better
• 32:43
  at
• 32:43
  the
• 32:43
  end
• 32:43
  of
• 32:43
  the
• 32:43
  day?
• 32:44
  Right.
• 32:44
  It's
• 32:44
  like
• 32:45
  motivational
• 32:45
  speeches.
• 32:46
  You
• 32:46
  listen
• 32:46
  to
• 32:46
  them
• 32:46
  and
• 32:46
  you're
• 32:46
  like.
• 32:47
  And
• 32:47
  then
• 32:47
  the
• 32:47
  next
• 32:48
  day
• 32:48
  you're
• 32:48
  like,
• 32:48
  yeah,
• 32:48
  no,
• 32:48
  I
• 32:49
  don't
• 32:49
  feel
• 32:49
  like.
• 32:52
  So,
• 32:52
  so
• 32:53
  yes,
• 32:53
  I,
• 32:53
  I'm
• 32:54
  trying,
• 32:54
  I,
• 32:54
  I'm
• 32:54
  trying
• 32:55
  to
• 32:55
  do
• 32:55
  things
• 32:55
  that,
• 32:56
  that
• 32:56
  ground
• 32:56
  me
• 32:57
  and,
• 32:57
  and
• 32:57
  make
• 32:58
  me
• 32:58
  be
• 32:58
  more
• 32:58
  present
• 32:58
  and
• 32:59
  in
• 32:59
  the
• 32:59
  now.
• 33:00
  Right.
• 33:01
  Finding
• 33:01
  things
• 33:02
  that
• 33:02
  I
• 33:02
  enjoy
• 33:02
  and
• 33:03
  experiencing
• 33:04
  joy
• 33:04
  again.
• 33:04
  Because
• 33:05
  I
• 33:05
  haven't
• 33:06
  experienced
• 33:07
  that
• 33:07
  emotion
• 33:07
  in
• 33:07
  so
• 33:08
  long.
• 33:09
  Yeah,
• 33:09
  well
• 33:10
  that's.
• 33:10
  And,
• 33:10
  and
• 33:11
  when
• 33:11
  you
• 33:11
  said
• 33:13
  clicked
• 33:13
  to
• 33:13
  me
• 33:14
  when
• 33:14
  you
• 33:14
  said
• 33:14
  your
• 33:15
  therapist
• 33:15
  was
• 33:16
  like,
• 33:16
  okay,
• 33:16
  you
• 33:16
  have
• 33:16
  a
• 33:17
  couple
• 33:17
  emotions
• 33:18
  and
• 33:18
  they're
• 33:18
  happy
• 33:19
  sadness.
• 33:20
  I
• 33:20
  noticed
• 33:20
  you
• 33:21
  didn't
• 33:21
  say
• 33:21
  joy
• 33:22
  because
• 33:22
  there's
• 33:23
  a
• 33:23
  huge
• 33:23
  difference
• 33:23
  between
• 33:24
  that
• 33:24
  super
• 33:24
  fresh,
• 33:25
  superficial
• 33:26
  happy
• 33:26
  and
• 33:27
  true
• 33:29
  in
• 33:29
  your
• 33:29
  heart
• 33:30
  joy.
• 33:30
  I
• 33:30
  didn't
• 33:31
  have
• 33:31
  joy.
• 33:32
  No,
• 33:32
  I
• 33:32
  didn't
• 33:32
  have
• 33:32
  joy.
• 33:33
  Zero.
• 33:33
  I
• 33:33
  had
• 33:34
  fleet.
• 33:34
  Happiness
• 33:35
  is
• 33:35
  a
• 33:35
  fleeting
• 33:35
  emotion.
• 33:36
  Yes.
• 33:36
  Or
• 33:37
  experience
• 33:37
  that.
• 33:38
  That's
• 33:38
  how
• 33:38
  I
• 33:38
  perceive
• 33:39
  it.
• 33:39
  So
• 33:39
  I
• 33:39
  don't
• 33:39
  look
• 33:39
  for
• 33:39
  happy
• 33:40
  moments.
• 33:40
  Peace
• 33:41
  can
• 33:41
  be,
• 33:42
  you
• 33:42
  know
• 33:42
  that
• 33:42
  that's
• 33:43
  what
• 33:43
  I
• 33:43
  look
• 33:43
  for.
• 33:43
  Homeostasis
• 33:44
  of
• 33:44
  peace.
• 33:45
  Yeah.
• 33:46
  That's
• 33:46
  like
• 33:46
  a
• 33:46
  real
• 33:46
  state
• 33:47
  of
• 33:47
  being.
• 33:48
  Yes.
• 33:49
  Agreed.
• 33:50
  Because
• 33:50
  yeah,
• 33:50
  you
• 33:50
  can
• 33:50
  be
• 33:50
  happy.
• 33:51
  You
• 33:51
  know,
• 33:51
  you're
• 33:51
  happy
• 33:51
  with
• 33:52
  it.
• 33:52
  You
• 33:53
  don't
• 33:53
  have
• 33:53
  to
• 33:53
  go
• 33:54
  to
• 33:54
  work
• 33:54
  because
• 33:54
  it's
• 33:54
  raining
• 33:54
  or
• 33:55
  whatever
• 33:55
  it
• 33:55
  is.
• 33:55
  Right.
• 33:56
  Your
• 33:57
  joy
• 33:57
  is
• 33:57
  when
• 33:57
  you're
• 33:58
  laying
• 33:58
  there
• 33:58
  rubbing
• 33:59
  your
• 33:59
  puppy's
• 34:00
  tummy
• 34:00
  and
• 34:00
  your
• 34:01
  heart
• 34:01
  is
• 34:01
  melting.
• 34:01
  Yeah.
• 34:02
  Yeah.
• 34:02
  That
• 34:02
  is
• 34:02
  joy.
• 34:03
  That's
• 34:03
  what
• 34:03
  we're,
• 34:04
  we're
• 34:04
  looking
• 34:04
  for
• 34:04
  more
• 34:05
  of.
• 34:06
  Yeah.
• 34:07
  I
• 34:07
  had
• 34:07
  no
• 34:07
  idea
• 34:08
  what
• 34:08
  that
• 34:08
  was.
• 34:09
  Me
• 34:09
  either
• 34:10
  for
• 34:10
  a
• 34:10
  long,
• 34:10
  long
• 34:11
  time.
• 34:12
  Long
• 34:12
  time.
• 34:13
  Yeah.
• 34:14
  So.
• 34:14
  Well
• 34:15
  good.
• 34:15
  So
• 34:15
  you
• 34:16
  know
• 34:16
  what
• 34:16
  it
• 34:16
  looks
• 34:16
  like
• 34:16
  now
• 34:16
  and
• 34:17
  you
• 34:17
  get
• 34:17
  to
• 34:17
  do
• 34:17
  it.
• 34:17
  Everyone
• 34:18
  experience.
• 34:19
  Yeah.
• 34:20
  Like
• 34:20
  as
• 34:21
  when
• 34:21
  I
• 34:21
  was
• 34:21
  a
• 34:21
  kid
• 34:22
  before
• 34:22
  my
• 34:22
  world
• 34:23
  turned
• 34:23
  upside
• 34:23
  down,
• 34:24
  I
• 34:24
  loved
• 34:25
  reading
• 34:25
  like
• 34:25
  Harry
• 34:26
  Potter
• 34:26
  was
• 34:26
  my
• 34:26
  go
• 34:27
  to,
• 34:29
  you
• 34:29
  know,
• 34:29
  in
• 34:29
  middle
• 34:30
  school,
• 34:30
  high
• 34:30
  school.
• 34:32
  I
• 34:32
  just
• 34:32
  love
• 34:33
  reading
• 34:34
  all
• 34:34
  the
• 34:34
  time
• 34:34
  and
• 34:34
  it
• 34:35
  was
• 34:35
  just
• 34:35
  entertaining
• 34:36
  stuff
• 34:36
  like
• 34:36
  science
• 34:37
  fiction,
• 34:37
  anything
• 34:37
  about
• 34:38
  aliens,
• 34:38
  fantasy.
• 34:39
  That
• 34:39
  was
• 34:39
  what
• 34:40
  I
• 34:40
  was
• 34:40
  into.
• 34:41
  At
• 34:41
  what
• 34:41
  point
• 34:41
  did
• 34:41
  I
• 34:42
  stop
• 34:42
  doing
• 34:42
  that
• 34:43
  and
• 34:43
  switch
• 34:43
  to
• 34:43
  self
• 34:44
  help
• 34:44
  books,
• 34:44
  you
• 34:45
  know,
• 34:46
  and
• 34:47
  like
• 34:47
  all
• 34:47
  professional
• 34:48
  development
• 34:48
  books.
• 34:49
  That
• 34:49
  was
• 34:49
  when
• 34:50
  everything
• 34:51
  in
• 34:51
  my
• 34:51
  world
• 34:51
  just
• 34:52
  started
• 34:52
  to
• 34:52
  shift
• 34:53
  and
• 34:53
  I
• 34:53
  felt
• 34:54
  like
• 34:54
  I
• 34:54
  needed
• 34:54
  to
• 34:54
  do
• 34:55
  focus
• 34:56
  more
• 34:56
  on
• 34:56
  achieving.
• 34:57
  Achieving,
• 34:57
  achieving.
• 34:59
  Because
• 34:59
  I
• 34:59
  thought
• 35:00
  that
• 35:00
  would
• 35:00
  bring
• 35:00
  me
• 35:01
  joy
• 35:01
  and
• 35:01
  happiness.
• 35:02
  Right.
• 35:04
  No.
• 35:05
  And
• 35:05
  now
• 35:05
  I'm
• 35:05
  even
• 35:06
  like
• 35:06
  if
• 35:06
  I'm
• 35:06
  going
• 35:06
  to
• 35:06
  read
• 35:06
  a
• 35:07
  Self
• 35:07
  help
• 35:07
  or
• 35:07
  something,
• 35:08
  quote
• 35:08
  unquote.
• 35:08
  Now,
• 35:09
  I
• 35:09
  do
• 35:09
  make
• 35:10
  my.
• 35:10
  Like,
• 35:10
  I
• 35:10
  will
• 35:10
  get
• 35:11
  like,
• 35:11
  a
• 35:11
  spiritual
• 35:11
  book.
• 35:12
  Like
• 35:12
  that
• 35:13
  is
• 35:13
  like,
• 35:13
  you
• 35:13
  know,
• 35:14
  the,
• 35:15
  you
• 35:15
  know,
• 35:16
  Deepak
• 35:16
  and.
• 35:17
  And
• 35:17
  I'll
• 35:17
  be
• 35:17
  like,
• 35:17
  oh,
• 35:18
  yeah,
• 35:18
  he's
• 35:18
  got
• 35:18
  some
• 35:19
  good
• 35:19
  ones.
• 35:19
  Like,
• 35:19
  and
• 35:19
  just
• 35:20
  because
• 35:20
  he.
• 35:21
  The
• 35:21
  people
• 35:22
  that
• 35:22
  emphasize
• 35:23
  the
• 35:23
  joy,
• 35:24
  not
• 35:24
  the
• 35:24
  people
• 35:24
  that
• 35:24
  emphasize
• 35:25
  the,
• 35:26
  you
• 35:26
  know,
• 35:26
  grind
• 35:26
  till
• 35:27
  you
• 35:27
  die.
• 35:27
  And
• 35:27
  then,
• 35:28
  yeah,
• 35:28
  you
• 35:29
  know,
• 35:29
  leave
• 35:29
  a
• 35:29
  legacy.
• 35:30
  It's,
• 35:31
  you
• 35:31
  know.
• 35:31
  No.
• 35:32
  So.
• 35:33
  So
• 35:33
  you're
• 35:33
  writing
• 35:34
  now
• 35:34
  and
• 35:34
  you're
• 35:34
  speaking,
• 35:35
  and
• 35:36
  does
• 35:36
  your
• 35:36
  main
• 35:37
  job
• 35:37
  revolve
• 35:38
  around
• 35:38
  that
• 35:38
  or
• 35:38
  do
• 35:38
  you
• 35:39
  still
• 35:39
  have
• 35:39
  your
• 35:39
  corporate.
• 35:40
  No,
• 35:41
  I
• 35:41
  still
• 35:41
  have
• 35:42
  my
• 35:42
  business.
• 35:42
  I'm
• 35:42
  a
• 35:42
  financial
• 35:43
  advisor.
• 35:44
  And
• 35:44
  so
• 35:44
  I
• 35:44
  work
• 35:45
  a
• 35:45
  lot
• 35:45
  of
• 35:45
  clients.
• 35:46
  So
• 35:46
  my
• 35:46
  day
• 35:46
  to
• 35:46
  day,
• 35:46
  I
• 35:47
  make
• 35:47
  a
• 35:47
  lot
• 35:47
  of,
• 35:47
  you
• 35:48
  know,
• 35:48
  investment
• 35:48
  decisions
• 35:49
  on
• 35:49
  behalf
• 35:49
  of
• 35:49
  my
• 35:50
  clients,
• 35:50
  and
• 35:50
  I
• 35:50
  do
• 35:50
  a
• 35:51
  lot
• 35:51
  of
• 35:51
  math
• 35:51
  throughout
• 35:52
  the
• 35:52
  day.
• 35:53
  So
• 35:53
  that's
• 35:54
  why
• 35:54
  I
• 35:54
  watch,
• 35:55
  you
• 35:55
  know,
• 35:56
  Love
• 35:57
  is
• 35:57
  Blind
• 35:57
  on
• 35:57
  Netflix
• 35:58
  right
• 35:58
  now.
• 36:00
  Just
• 36:00
  get
• 36:00
  my
• 36:00
  mind
• 36:01
  off
• 36:01
  of,
• 36:01
  like,
• 36:02
  the
• 36:03
  technical
• 36:04
  that
• 36:04
  I
• 36:05
  deal
• 36:05
  with
• 36:05
  on
• 36:05
  a
• 36:05
  daily
• 36:05
  basis.
• 36:06
  But
• 36:06
  even
• 36:06
  in
• 36:07
  my
• 36:07
  writing
• 36:07
  that
• 36:07
  I've
• 36:08
  been
• 36:08
  publishing
• 36:08
  more
• 36:09
  publicly
• 36:10
  and
• 36:10
  just
• 36:11
  challenging
• 36:12
  myself
• 36:13
  to
• 36:14
  speak
• 36:14
  and
• 36:14
  write
• 36:14
  about
• 36:14
  this
• 36:15
  stuff,
• 36:15
  like,
• 36:15
  this
• 36:15
  is
• 36:15
  what
• 36:15
  really
• 36:16
  sparks
• 36:17
  excitement
• 36:18
  in
• 36:18
  me.
• 36:18
  I
• 36:19
  want
• 36:19
  to
• 36:19
  feel
• 36:19
  that
• 36:19
  nervousness,
• 36:20
  like,
• 36:20
  an
• 36:21
  excitable
• 36:22
  nervousness
• 36:22
  even
• 36:23
  coming
• 36:23
  on
• 36:23
  this
• 36:23
  podcast,
• 36:24
  talking
• 36:24
  about
• 36:24
  this.
• 36:25
  Like,
• 36:25
  I
• 36:25
  want
• 36:26
  to
• 36:26
  make
• 36:26
  a
• 36:26
  larger
• 36:27
  impact
• 36:28
  some
• 36:28
  way
• 36:28
  somehow.
• 36:29
  And
• 36:29
  I
• 36:29
  can
• 36:30
  tell
• 36:30
  because
• 36:30
  it
• 36:30
  lights
• 36:30
  you
• 36:30
  up.
• 36:31
  That's,
• 36:31
  you
• 36:32
  know,
• 36:32
  it
• 36:32
  does.
• 36:33
  I
• 36:33
  can
• 36:33
  tell.
• 36:33
  Like,
• 36:34
  I.
• 36:34
  A
• 36:35
  lot
• 36:35
  of
• 36:35
  my
• 36:35
  peers
• 36:36
  in
• 36:36
  the
• 36:37
  same,
• 36:37
  you
• 36:37
  know,
• 36:37
  they're
• 36:38
  type
• 36:38
  A,
• 36:38
  like
• 36:39
  me,
• 36:39
  perfectionist,
• 36:40
  like,
• 36:40
  just
• 36:41
  work,
• 36:42
  work,
• 36:42
  work,
• 36:42
  work,
• 36:43
  work.
• 36:44
  In
• 36:44
  our
• 36:44
  private
• 36:45
  conversations,
• 36:46
  they're
• 36:46
  like,
• 36:46
  helen,
• 36:46
  I
• 36:47
  am
• 36:47
  so
• 36:47
  miserable,
• 36:48
  and
• 36:48
  they're
• 36:48
  making
• 36:48
  a
• 36:49
  million
• 36:49
  dollars
• 36:49
  in
• 36:50
  their
• 36:50
  business,
• 36:51
  right?
• 36:51
  On
• 36:52
  paper,
• 36:52
  they're
• 36:52
  very
• 36:53
  successful.
• 36:54
  And
• 36:54
  you
• 36:54
  would
• 36:54
  think,
• 36:54
  like,
• 36:54
  oh,
• 36:54
  what
• 36:55
  do
• 36:55
  they
• 36:55
  have
• 36:55
  to
• 36:55
  complain
• 36:55
  about?
• 36:56
  But
• 36:56
  they're
• 36:56
  super
• 36:57
  depressed.
• 36:59
  And
• 36:59
  that's
• 36:59
  where
• 36:59
  I
• 36:59
  was,
• 37:00
  you
• 37:00
  know,
• 37:00
  and
• 37:01
  I
• 37:01
  had
• 37:01
  to
• 37:01
  really
• 37:01
  pull
• 37:02
  myself
• 37:02
  out
• 37:02
  of
• 37:03
  it.
• 37:04
  So
• 37:04
  hopefully,
• 37:04
  you
• 37:05
  know,
• 37:05
  this
• 37:05
  is.
• 37:05
  This
• 37:06
  is
• 37:06
  my
• 37:06
  new
• 37:06
  life's
• 37:07
  work,
• 37:07
  an
• 37:07
  extension
• 37:08
  of
• 37:08
  my
• 37:08
  identity.
• 37:10
  I
• 37:10
  don't
• 37:10
  think
• 37:10
  I
• 37:10
  would
• 37:11
  have
• 37:11
  been
• 37:11
  able
• 37:11
  to
• 37:11
  do
• 37:12
  this
• 37:12
  had
• 37:12
  I
• 37:14
  not
• 37:14
  gone
• 37:14
  to
• 37:14
  therapy
• 37:15
  and
• 37:15
  taken
• 37:15
  it
• 37:15
  seriously
• 37:16
  and
• 37:16
  made
• 37:16
  that
• 37:16
  one
• 37:16
  connection
• 37:17
  that
• 37:17
  really
• 37:17
  saved
• 37:18
  my
• 37:18
  life
• 37:18
  to
• 37:18
  me,
• 37:18
  to
• 37:19
  be
• 37:19
  honest
• 37:19
  with
• 37:19
  you.
• 37:21
  Yeah,
• 37:21
  no,
• 37:21
  that
• 37:22
  makes.
• 37:22
  It
• 37:22
  makes
• 37:22
  all
• 37:23
  the
• 37:23
  difference
• 37:23
  in
• 37:23
  the
• 37:23
  world.
• 37:24
  And
• 37:24
  like
• 37:24
  I
• 37:24
  said,
• 37:24
  you.
• 37:25
  You
• 37:25
  see
• 37:25
  it.
• 37:25
  You
• 37:26
  see
• 37:26
  the
• 37:26
  millionaires
• 37:26
  that
• 37:27
  are
• 37:27
  just
• 37:27
  like,
• 37:27
  I'm
• 37:27
  just
• 37:27
  freaking
• 37:28
  miserable,
• 37:29
  you
• 37:29
  know,
• 37:29
  and
• 37:29
  it
• 37:30
  seems
• 37:30
  like
• 37:30
  it's.
• 37:30
  It
• 37:30
  seems
• 37:31
  like
• 37:31
  it's
• 37:31
  the
• 37:31
  people
• 37:31
  in
• 37:32
  the
• 37:32
  corporate
• 37:32
  world,
• 37:32
  usually.
• 37:33
  And
• 37:34
  then
• 37:34
  you
• 37:35
  meet
• 37:35
  the
• 37:35
  people
• 37:35
  that
• 37:36
  are
• 37:36
  the,
• 37:36
  you
• 37:37
  know,
• 37:37
  spiritual
• 37:38
  coaches
• 37:38
  and.
• 37:38
  And
• 37:39
  they're
• 37:39
  loving
• 37:39
  life
• 37:40
  and
• 37:40
  they're
• 37:40
  like,
• 37:41
  you
• 37:41
  know,
• 37:42
  but,
• 37:43
  but
• 37:43
  they
• 37:43
  still
• 37:44
  too,
• 37:44
  because
• 37:45
  of
• 37:45
  usually
• 37:45
  their
• 37:46
  past.
• 37:46
  Because
• 37:47
  the
• 37:47
  wounded
• 37:48
  healers,
• 37:48
  you
• 37:48
  know,
• 37:49
  they're
• 37:49
  out
• 37:49
  there
• 37:49
  everywhere.
• 37:50
  Everybody,
• 37:50
  everybody's
• 37:51
  out
• 37:51
  there.
• 37:51
  A
• 37:51
  wounded
• 37:51
  healer
• 37:52
  trying
• 37:52
  to
• 37:53
  help
• 37:53
  people
• 37:53
  get
• 37:54
  to
• 37:54
  where
• 37:54
  they
• 37:54
  are
• 37:54
  quicker.
• 37:55
  There's
• 37:55
  still
• 37:55
  that
• 37:55
  propensity
• 37:56
  for
• 37:56
  burnout
• 37:57
  and
• 37:58
  overwhelm
• 37:58
  and
• 37:59
  doesn't
• 38:00
  matter
• 38:00
  who
• 38:00
  you
• 38:00
  are
• 38:00
  or
• 38:01
  what
• 38:01
  level
• 38:01
  you're
• 38:01
  at
• 38:02
  anywhere,
• 38:02
  it's,
• 38:03
  it's
• 38:04
  there
• 38:04
  that,
• 38:04
  that
• 38:06
  threat
• 38:06
  is
• 38:06
  always
• 38:07
  there.
• 38:07
  If
• 38:07
  you
• 38:07
  don't
• 38:08
  take
• 38:08
  time
• 38:08
  for
• 38:08
  self
• 38:08
  care
• 38:09
  and
• 38:09
  love
• 38:09
  and
• 38:10
  being
• 38:11
  that,
• 38:11
  finding
• 38:11
  that
• 38:12
  person
• 38:12
  that
• 38:12
  validates
• 38:13
  you,
• 38:13
  you
• 38:14
  know,
• 38:14
  so
• 38:14
  important.
• 38:15
  Yeah.
• 38:15
  As
• 38:16
  cheesy
• 38:16
  as
• 38:16
  it
• 38:16
  sounds
• 38:17
  like
• 38:17
  inner
• 38:17
  peace
• 38:18
  is,
• 38:18
  is
• 38:19
  what
• 38:19
  I'm
• 38:19
  really
• 38:19
  looking
• 38:20
  for.
• 38:20
  I
• 38:20
  didn't
• 38:20
  understand
• 38:21
  at
• 38:21
  all
• 38:22
  what
• 38:22
  that
• 38:22
  meant
• 38:22
  or
• 38:22
  what
• 38:23
  contributes
• 38:23
  to
• 38:24
  that
• 38:24
  or
• 38:24
  what
• 38:24
  it
• 38:24
  looked
• 38:25
  like.
• 38:25
  For
• 38:25
  me,
• 38:26
  that's
• 38:26
  really
• 38:27
  what
• 38:27
  it's
• 38:27
  about.
• 38:27
  Because
• 38:28
  inside
• 38:28
  of
• 38:28
  me
• 38:29
  I
• 38:29
  was
• 38:29
  extremely
• 38:30
  volatile.
• 38:30
  Like
• 38:31
  I
• 38:31
  was
• 38:31
  just
• 38:31
  an
• 38:31
  angry
• 38:32
  internal
• 38:32
  person
• 38:34
  at
• 38:35
  God,
• 38:35
  at
• 38:35
  the
• 38:35
  world,
• 38:35
  at
• 38:36
  my
• 38:36
  family,
• 38:36
  like
• 38:37
  at
• 38:37
  everything.
• 38:38
  Because
• 38:38
  it
• 38:38
  felt
• 38:39
  like
• 38:39
  things
• 38:39
  were
• 38:40
  just
• 38:40
  out
• 38:41
  of
• 38:41
  control.
• 38:42
  Out
• 38:42
  of
• 38:42
  control
• 38:42
  and
• 38:43
  you
• 38:43
  weren't
• 38:43
  getting
• 38:43
  what
• 38:43
  you
• 38:44
  needed
• 38:44
  to
• 38:44
  make
• 38:44
  it
• 38:44
  feel
• 38:45
  comfortable
• 38:45
  or
• 38:46
  to
• 38:46
  process
• 38:46
  it
• 38:47
  even.
• 38:47
  You
• 38:47
  just
• 38:48
  weren't.
• 38:49
  Yeah,
• 38:49
  I,
• 38:49
  I
• 38:49
  just
• 38:50
  felt
• 38:50
  so
• 38:50
  unseen
• 38:51
  in
• 38:51
  my
• 38:51
  relationships
• 38:53
  and,
• 38:54
  and
• 38:54
  a
• 38:54
  lot
• 38:54
  of
• 38:54
  it,
• 38:54
  I,
• 38:55
  I
• 38:55
  don't
• 38:55
  want
• 38:55
  to
• 38:55
  blame
• 38:55
  myself,
• 38:56
  but,
• 38:56
  you
• 38:56
  know,
• 38:56
  I
• 38:57
  contribute
• 38:57
  to
• 38:57
  that.
• 38:57
  It
• 38:57
  takes
• 38:58
  two
• 38:58
  to
• 38:58
  tango
• 38:58
  in
• 38:58
  a
• 38:58
  relationship.
• 38:59
  And
• 38:59
  I
• 39:00
  think
• 39:00
  it
• 39:00
  was
• 39:00
  because
• 39:00
  I,
• 39:01
  I
• 39:01
  had
• 39:01
  so
• 39:02
  like
• 39:02
  thick
• 39:02
  walls,
• 39:03
  fortresses
• 39:04
  built
• 39:04
  around
• 39:05
  me
• 39:05
  that
• 39:06
  I,
• 39:06
  I
• 39:06
  was
• 39:06
  unable
• 39:07
  to
• 39:07
  let
• 39:07
  anybody
• 39:08
  in
• 39:08
  to
• 39:08
  give
• 39:08
  me
• 39:08
  the
• 39:09
  love
• 39:09
  that
• 39:09
  I
• 39:09
  needed
• 39:10
  because
• 39:10
  I
• 39:10
  didn't
• 39:10
  want
• 39:10
  to.
• 39:12
  Yeah.
• 39:12
  And
• 39:12
  we
• 39:13
  also.
• 39:13
  It's
• 39:13
  very
• 39:13
  easy
• 39:14
  to.
• 39:14
  And
• 39:14
  I'm
• 39:14
  not
• 39:15
  saying
• 39:15
  you
• 39:15
  played
• 39:15
  the
• 39:15
  victim
• 39:16
  game,
• 39:16
  but
• 39:16
  it's
• 39:16
  very
• 39:17
  easy
• 39:17
  to
• 39:17
  be
• 39:17
  like,
• 39:18
  I
• 39:18
  am
• 39:18
  because
• 39:18
  the
• 39:18
  way
• 39:19
  I
• 39:19
  am,
• 39:19
  because.
• 39:21
  And
• 39:21
  instead
• 39:22
  of
• 39:22
  being
• 39:22
  like,
• 39:23
  wow,
• 39:23
  I
• 39:23
  am
• 39:23
  the
• 39:23
  way,
• 39:23
  you
• 39:24
  know,
• 39:24
  it's
• 39:24
  like
• 39:24
  I
• 39:24
  say,
• 39:24
  who
• 39:25
  is
• 39:25
  it
• 39:25
  Benjamin
• 39:25
  Franklin
• 39:26
  that
• 39:26
  said,
• 39:26
  you
• 39:26
  know,
• 39:26
  with
• 39:27
  awareness
• 39:27
  comes
• 39:27
  great
• 39:28
  responsibility,
• 39:29
  you
• 39:30
  know,
• 39:30
  you
• 39:30
  didn't
• 39:31
  know,
• 39:31
  but
• 39:31
  then
• 39:31
  once
• 39:32
  you
• 39:32
  know,
• 39:32
  kind
• 39:33
  of,
• 39:33
  okay,
• 39:33
  this
• 39:33
  makes
• 39:34
  sense,
• 39:34
  why
• 39:35
  then
• 39:36
  it
• 39:36
  is
• 39:36
  your
• 39:36
  kind
• 39:37
  of
• 39:37
  your
• 39:37
  responsibility
• 39:38
  to
• 39:38
  flip
• 39:38
  it
• 39:38
  and
• 39:39
  start
• 39:39
  acting
• 39:40
  differently
• 39:40
  and
• 39:40
  making
• 39:41
  better
• 39:41
  choices
• 39:41
  and
• 39:42
  at
• 39:42
  the
• 39:43
  same
• 39:43
  time
• 39:43
  without
• 39:43
  beating
• 39:44
  yourself
• 39:44
  up
• 39:44
  about
• 39:44
  the
• 39:44
  way
• 39:45
  you
• 39:45
  were.
• 39:45
  Because
• 39:45
  we
• 39:45
  don't
• 39:46
  know
• 39:46
  what
• 39:46
  we
• 39:46
  don't
• 39:46
  know.
• 39:47
  Well,
• 39:47
  yeah,
• 39:48
  that's
• 39:48
  the
• 39:48
  self
• 39:48
  forgiveness
• 39:49
  piece
• 39:49
  that
• 39:50
  comes
• 39:50
  into
• 39:50
  play,
• 39:51
  you
• 39:51
  know,
• 39:51
  and,
• 39:51
  and
• 39:52
  I'm
• 39:52
  starting
• 39:52
  to
• 39:52
  learn
• 39:53
  that
• 39:53
  too
• 39:53
  slowly
• 39:54
  and
• 39:54
  what
• 39:54
  that
• 39:54
  really
• 39:54
  means
• 39:55
  and
• 39:55
  stop
• 39:56
  being
• 39:56
  so
• 39:56
  hard
• 39:56
  on
• 39:57
  myself.
• 39:57
  I
• 39:57
  think
• 39:57
  on
• 39:58
  paper
• 39:58
  I'm
• 39:58
  successful
• 39:59
  because
• 39:59
  I've
• 39:59
  been
• 39:59
  very
• 40:00
  vigilant.
• 40:01
  And
• 40:01
  hard
• 40:01
  on
• 40:01
  myself.
• 40:02
  But,
• 40:02
  you
• 40:02
  know,
• 40:03
  I
• 40:03
  can't
• 40:03
  generalize
• 40:04
  that
• 40:04
  methodology
• 40:05
  of
• 40:05
  being
• 40:05
  hard
• 40:05
  on
• 40:06
  myself.
• 40:06
  Myself
• 40:06
  in
• 40:06
  everything
• 40:08
  myself
• 40:08
  up,
• 40:09
  you
• 40:09
  know?
• 40:09
  Well,
• 40:10
  and
• 40:10
  I
• 40:10
  tell
• 40:10
  people
• 40:10
  the
• 40:11
  best
• 40:11
  exercise
• 40:12
  you
• 40:12
  can
• 40:12
  always
• 40:12
  do
• 40:13
  is
• 40:13
  in
• 40:13
  every
• 40:13
  decision.
• 40:14
  When
• 40:14
  you
• 40:14
  have
• 40:14
  that
• 40:15
  internal
• 40:15
  critic
• 40:16
  sitting
• 40:16
  on
• 40:16
  your
• 40:16
  shoulder
• 40:18
  every
• 40:19
  time
• 40:19
  you
• 40:19
  nip
• 40:20
  it
• 40:20
  in
• 40:20
  the
• 40:20
  bud.
• 40:20
  And
• 40:20
  like
• 40:21
  you
• 40:21
  said,
• 40:21
  question
• 40:21
  it,
• 40:22
  you
• 40:22
  know,
• 40:22
  challenge
• 40:23
  that.
• 40:24
  But
• 40:24
  put
• 40:25
  yourself
• 40:25
  in
• 40:25
  your
• 40:26
  best
• 40:26
  friend's
• 40:26
  position.
• 40:28
  Like,
• 40:28
  if
• 40:29
  you
• 40:29
  go,
• 40:29
  oh,
• 40:29
  God
• 40:29
  damn
• 40:30
  it,
• 40:30
  that
• 40:30
  was
• 40:30
  so
• 40:30
  stupid.
• 40:31
  Why
• 40:31
  do
• 40:31
  you
• 40:31
  always
• 40:31
  do
• 40:31
  this?
• 40:32
  Just
• 40:32
  think,
• 40:33
  okay,
• 40:33
  Tammy,
• 40:33
  if
• 40:33
  you
• 40:34
  were
• 40:34
  your
• 40:34
  own
• 40:34
  best
• 40:34
  friend,
• 40:35
  would
• 40:35
  you
• 40:35
  be
• 40:35
  angry?
• 40:36
  Or
• 40:36
  would
• 40:36
  you
• 40:37
  be
• 40:37
  like,
• 40:37
  hey,
• 40:37
  it's
• 40:37
  okay,
• 40:38
  you're
• 40:39
  human.
• 40:39
  Like,
• 40:40
  let's.
• 40:40
  Let's
• 40:41
  get
• 40:41
  past
• 40:41
  this,
• 40:42
  you
• 40:42
  know,
• 40:42
  that's
• 40:42
  how
• 40:42
  you
• 40:43
  would
• 40:43
  act.
• 40:43
  So
• 40:44
  start
• 40:44
  putting
• 40:45
  yourself
• 40:45
  in
• 40:46
  your
• 40:46
  own
• 40:46
  best
• 40:46
  friend's
• 40:47
  position.
• 40:47
  Like,
• 40:47
  be
• 40:48
  your
• 40:48
  own
• 40:48
  best
• 40:48
  friend.
• 40:49
  Yeah.
• 40:50
  Not
• 40:50
  just
• 40:51
  on
• 40:51
  paper,
• 40:52
  but
• 40:53
  in
• 40:53
  every
• 40:54
  choice,
• 40:54
  every
• 40:55
  time
• 40:55
  the
• 40:55
  rubber
• 40:55
  hits
• 40:56
  the
• 40:56
  road.
• 40:56
  And
• 40:57
  you
• 40:57
  have
• 40:57
  to
• 40:57
  make
• 40:58
  a
• 40:59
  decision
• 40:59
  based
• 41:00
  off
• 41:00
  that
• 41:00
  subconscious
• 41:01
  programming,
• 41:01
  which
• 41:02
  is
• 41:02
  that
• 41:02
  little
• 41:02
  voice
• 41:03
  in
• 41:03
  your
• 41:03
  mind
• 41:04
  that's
• 41:04
  saying,
• 41:05
  timmy,
• 41:06
  you're
• 41:06
  lazy.
• 41:06
  Timmy,
• 41:07
  you
• 41:07
  don't
• 41:07
  deserve
• 41:07
  to
• 41:07
  sit
• 41:08
  there
• 41:08
  for
• 41:08
  an
• 41:08
  hour
• 41:08
  and
• 41:08
  watch
• 41:08
  tv.
• 41:10
  Just
• 41:10
  say,
• 41:11
  if
• 41:12
  I
• 41:12
  was
• 41:12
  someone
• 41:12
  I
• 41:12
  loved,
• 41:13
  would
• 41:13
  I
• 41:13
  be
• 41:13
  mad
• 41:14
  if
• 41:14
  they
• 41:14
  were
• 41:14
  watching
• 41:15
  tv?
• 41:15
  No.
• 41:16
  Yeah.
• 41:17
  And
• 41:17
  it's.
• 41:17
  It's
• 41:17
  such
• 41:18
  a
• 41:18
  hard
• 41:18
  concept,
• 41:19
  but
• 41:19
  yeah,
• 41:20
  it's
• 41:20
  like
• 41:21
  I
• 41:21
  tell.
• 41:21
  It's
• 41:21
  like
• 41:21
  I
• 41:22
  tell
• 41:22
  my
• 41:22
  clients,
• 41:22
  you
• 41:22
  have
• 41:22
  to.
• 41:22
  You
• 41:23
  have
• 41:23
  to
• 41:23
  nip
• 41:23
  it
• 41:23
  the
• 41:24
  minute
• 41:24
  you
• 41:24
  have
• 41:24
  that
• 41:25
  thought,
• 41:25
  challenge
• 41:25
  it.
• 41:26
  Why
• 41:26
  am
• 41:26
  I
• 41:27
  saying
• 41:27
  that?
• 41:27
  Do.
• 41:27
  Would
• 41:28
  I
• 41:28
  say
• 41:28
  that
• 41:28
  to
• 41:29
  my.
• 41:29
  Someone
• 41:29
  I
• 41:29
  loved?
• 41:30
  Yeah.
• 41:30
  And
• 41:31
  most
• 41:31
  likely
• 41:31
  you
• 41:32
  wouldn't.
• 41:33
  Yeah.
• 41:34
  Yeah,
• 41:34
  that.
• 41:34
  That's
• 41:35
  really
• 41:35
  hard
• 41:35
  to
• 41:35
  do.
• 41:35
  To
• 41:36
  quiet
• 41:36
  that
• 41:36
  voice
• 41:37
  instead
• 41:37
  of
• 41:37
  building
• 41:37
  it
• 41:38
  up.
• 41:39
  It's.
• 41:39
  It's
• 41:40
  very
• 41:40
  challenging.
• 41:41
  So.
• 41:42
  It
• 41:42
  is.
• 41:43
  It
• 41:43
  is.
• 41:43
  Well,
• 41:44
  this
• 41:44
  has
• 41:44
  been
• 41:44
  absolutely
• 41:45
  amazing.
• 41:45
  I
• 41:45
  could
• 41:45
  literally
• 41:46
  talk
• 41:46
  to
• 41:46
  you
• 41:47
  forever
• 41:47
  about
• 41:47
  all
• 41:48
  this
• 41:48
  stuff.
• 41:48
  So
• 41:49
  do
• 41:49
  you.
• 41:49
  You
• 41:49
  write,
• 41:50
  you
• 41:50
  speak,
• 41:50
  do
• 41:51
  you
• 41:51
  work?
• 41:51
  Do
• 41:51
  you,
• 41:51
  like,
• 41:52
  can
• 41:52
  people
• 41:52
  reach
• 41:52
  out
• 41:52
  to
• 41:53
  you?
• 41:53
  Do
• 41:53
  you
• 41:53
  have.
• 41:54
  Yes.
• 41:55
  So
• 41:55
  talk
• 41:55
  about
• 41:55
  it.
• 41:56
  Yeah.
• 41:56
  In
• 41:57
  this
• 41:57
  space,
• 41:58
  in.
• 41:58
  In
• 41:58
  loss
• 41:58
  and
• 41:59
  grief,
• 41:59
  I.
• 42:00
  I
• 42:00
  host
• 42:00
  monthly
• 42:01
  meetups.
• 42:01
  So
• 42:01
  the
• 42:01
  next
• 42:02
  one
• 42:02
  is
• 42:02
  October
• 42:03
  22nd,
• 42:03
  but
• 42:04
  you
• 42:04
  can
• 42:04
  go
• 42:04
  to
• 42:04
  my
• 42:04
  website,
• 42:05
  heleno.com
• 42:06
  and
• 42:06
  it's
• 42:06
  all
• 42:06
  on
• 42:07
  there.
• 42:07
  And
• 42:08
  you
• 42:08
  can
• 42:08
  sign
• 42:08
  up
• 42:08
  for
• 42:09
  my
• 42:09
  eight
• 42:10
  part
• 42:11
  email
• 42:11
  series
• 42:11
  where
• 42:12
  I
• 42:12
  take
• 42:12
  you
• 42:12
  through
• 42:12
  my.
• 42:13
  The
• 42:13
  steps
• 42:13
  that
• 42:13
  I
• 42:14
  have
• 42:14
  taken
• 42:15
  to.
• 42:15
  To
• 42:16
  start
• 42:16
  the
• 42:16
  healing
• 42:17
  process
• 42:17
  again.
• 42:17
  There's
• 42:18
  no
• 42:18
  timeline.
• 42:19
  It's
• 42:19
  just
• 42:19
  a
• 42:20
  gentle
• 42:20
  weekly
• 42:21
  reminders
• 42:21
  for
• 42:22
  eight
• 42:22
  weeks.
• 42:23
  So
• 42:23
  it's
• 42:24
  an
• 42:24
  eight
• 42:24
  week
• 42:24
  healing
• 42:24
  journey.
• 42:25
  It's
• 42:25
  free.
• 42:25
  And
• 42:26
  the
• 42:26
  monthly
• 42:26
  meetups
• 42:27
  as
• 42:27
  well.
• 42:27
  And
• 42:27
  my
• 42:27
  writing
• 42:28
  is
• 42:28
  on.
• 42:28
  On
• 42:28
  substack
• 42:29
  called
• 42:29
  Thoughts
• 42:30
  after
• 42:30
  Therapy.
• 42:31
  Okay.
• 42:32
  Perfect.
• 42:32
  I
• 42:33
  love
• 42:33
  it.
• 42:33
  And
• 42:33
  I
• 42:33
  will
• 42:34
  put
• 42:34
  all
• 42:34
  that
• 42:34
  in
• 42:34
  the
• 42:34
  show
• 42:34
  notes
• 42:35
  so
• 42:35
  people
• 42:35
  can
• 42:35
  get
• 42:35
  hold
• 42:35
  of
• 42:36
  you
• 42:36
  and,
• 42:36
  and
• 42:37
  reach
• 42:37
  out
• 42:37
  and
• 42:37
  take
• 42:38
  your
• 42:38
  course.
• 42:38
  And
• 42:38
  I
• 42:39
  mean
• 42:39
  we
• 42:39
  all.
• 42:39
  And
• 42:40
  it's
• 42:40
  the
• 42:40
  silent,
• 42:42
  silent
• 42:42
  strugglers.
• 42:43
  Those
• 42:43
  are
• 42:43
  the
• 42:43
  people
• 42:44
  that
• 42:44
  we
• 42:44
  want
• 42:44
  to
• 42:44
  reach.
• 42:45
  The
• 42:45
  people
• 42:45
  that
• 42:45
  are
• 42:46
  struggling
• 42:46
  and
• 42:46
  miserable.
• 42:47
  But
• 42:47
  they
• 42:48
  look
• 42:49
  so
• 42:49
  like
• 42:49
  this
• 42:49
  on
• 42:50
  the
• 42:50
  outside,
• 42:50
  you
• 42:50
  know,
• 42:51
  this
• 42:51
  great
• 42:51
  big
• 42:51
  smile
• 42:52
  and
• 42:52
  inside
• 42:53
  they,
• 42:53
  they
• 42:53
  got
• 42:54
  this
• 42:54
  fist
• 42:55
  going
• 42:55
  through
• 42:55
  their
• 42:55
  stomach.
• 42:56
  You
• 42:56
  know,
• 42:56
  I
• 42:56
  know
• 42:56
  those
• 42:57
  people,
• 42:57
  like
• 42:57
  I've
• 42:58
  been
• 42:58
  there
• 42:58
  where
• 42:59
  you
• 42:59
  have
• 42:59
  this
• 42:59
  big
• 42:59
  smile,
• 43:00
  but
• 43:00
  if
• 43:00
  someone
• 43:01
  says,
• 43:01
  you
• 43:01
  know,
• 43:02
  hey,
• 43:03
  what
• 43:03
  do
• 43:03
  you
• 43:03
  want
• 43:03
  to
• 43:03
  do?
• 43:04
  You're
• 43:04
  like,
• 43:04
  I
• 43:04
  don't
• 43:04
  know,
• 43:05
  I
• 43:05
  don't
• 43:05
  know,
• 43:05
  like
• 43:06
  I
• 43:06
  don't
• 43:06
  even
• 43:06
  know
• 43:07
  myself,
• 43:07
  you
• 43:07
  know,
• 43:07
  like
• 43:08
  there's
• 43:08
  so
• 43:08
  many
• 43:08
  silent
• 43:09
  strugglers
• 43:09
  out
• 43:10
  there.
• 43:10
  And
• 43:12
  God
• 43:12
  bless
• 43:12
  you
• 43:12
  for
• 43:12
  being
• 43:13
  one
• 43:13
  of
• 43:13
  those
• 43:13
  that
• 43:13
  are
• 43:13
  reaching
• 43:14
  to
• 43:14
  trying
• 43:14
  to
• 43:14
  reach
• 43:14
  them.
• 43:15
  Yeah.
• 43:15
  So
• 43:15
  that's
• 43:16
  what
• 43:16
  the
• 43:16
  monthly
• 43:16
  meetups
• 43:17
  are
• 43:17
  about.
• 43:17
  I
• 43:17
  mean,
• 43:17
  I
• 43:17
  don't
• 43:17
  do
• 43:18
  any
• 43:18
  coaching
• 43:18
  at
• 43:18
  all
• 43:18
  because
• 43:19
  I'm
• 43:19
  not
• 43:19
  a
• 43:19
  professional
• 43:19
  healer
• 43:21
  and
• 43:21
  I
• 43:21
  don't
• 43:21
  want
• 43:21
  to
• 43:21
  be
• 43:22
  one
• 43:22
  of
• 43:22
  those,
• 43:22
  you
• 43:22
  know,
• 43:23
  self
• 43:23
  proclaimed
• 43:24
  self
• 43:24
  help
• 43:24
  gurus
• 43:25
  by
• 43:25
  any
• 43:25
  means.
• 43:25
  But
• 43:25
  my
• 43:26
  monthly
• 43:26
  meetups
• 43:26
  is
• 43:27
  really
• 43:27
  just
• 43:27
  to
• 43:28
  talk
• 43:28
  about
• 43:28
  what's
• 43:29
  going
• 43:29
  on.
• 43:29
  Just
• 43:29
  making
• 43:30
  a
• 43:30
  single
• 43:30
  connection
• 43:31
  for
• 43:31
  me
• 43:31
  to
• 43:31
  listen
• 43:32
  to
• 43:32
  you
• 43:32
  or,
• 43:33
  you
• 43:33
  know,
• 43:33
  or
• 43:34
  with,
• 43:34
  with
• 43:34
  other
• 43:35
  people,
• 43:35
  strangers.
• 43:36
  So
• 43:36
  for
• 43:36
  some
• 43:36
  reason
• 43:37
  for
• 43:37
  me,
• 43:38
  I
• 43:39
  feel
• 43:39
  more
• 43:39
  comfortable
• 43:39
  talking
• 43:40
  to
• 43:40
  strangers
• 43:40
  than
• 43:41
  I
• 43:41
  do
• 43:41
  talking
• 43:41
  about
• 43:42
  the
• 43:42
  stuff
• 43:42
  with
• 43:42
  my
• 43:43
  own
• 43:43
  family
• 43:44
  and
• 43:44
  friends
• 43:45
  even.
• 43:46
  That's
• 43:46
  very
• 43:47
  normal
• 43:47
  actually.
• 43:48
  You
• 43:48
  know,
• 43:49
  like
• 43:49
  I
• 43:49
  didn't
• 43:49
  even
• 43:50
  realize
• 43:50
  that
• 43:50
  about
• 43:51
  myself
• 43:51
  until
• 43:52
  I'm
• 43:52
  like,
• 43:52
  yeah,
• 43:53
  I
• 43:53
  would
• 43:53
  love
• 43:53
  to
• 43:53
  talk
• 43:53
  about
• 43:54
  this
• 43:54
  with
• 43:54
  strangers.
• 43:54
  Like
• 43:54
  tell
• 43:55
  me
• 43:55
  about
• 43:55
  your
• 43:55
  story.
• 43:55
  I
• 43:55
  don't
• 43:56
  want
• 43:56
  to
• 43:56
  have
• 43:56
  any
• 43:56
  bias,
• 43:57
  you
• 43:58
  know,
• 43:58
  at
• 43:58
  all.
• 43:58
  Like
• 43:58
  tell
• 43:59
  me,
• 43:59
  tell
• 43:59
  me
• 43:59
  what
• 44:00
  happened.
• 44:00
  Like
• 44:00
  why,
• 44:01
  why
• 44:01
  are
• 44:01
  you,
• 44:02
  what,
• 44:02
  what
• 44:02
  is
• 44:02
  your
• 44:02
  loss?
• 44:03
  What
• 44:03
  are
• 44:03
  you
• 44:03
  trying
• 44:03
  to,
• 44:03
  what
• 44:04
  are
• 44:04
  you
• 44:04
  going
• 44:04
  through
• 44:04
  right
• 44:05
  now?
• 44:06
  So
• 44:06
  really
• 44:06
  it's
• 44:06
  just
• 44:06
  a
• 44:07
  monthly
• 44:07
  mean
• 44:07
  up
• 44:07
  of
• 44:07
  hearing
• 44:08
  people
• 44:08
  out,
• 44:08
  not
• 44:09
  coach,
• 44:10
  advice
• 44:10
  giving.
• 44:11
  Because
• 44:11
  that
• 44:11
  was
• 44:11
  the
• 44:11
  last
• 44:12
  thing
• 44:12
  I
• 44:12
  wanted
• 44:13
  was
• 44:13
  like
• 44:13
  more
• 44:13
  advice
• 44:14
  given
• 44:14
  to
• 44:15
  me
• 44:15
  because
• 44:15
  I
• 44:15
  was
• 44:15
  so
• 44:15
  overwhelmed
• 44:16
  already,
• 44:17
  you
• 44:17
  know.
• 44:17
  But
• 44:18
  just
• 44:18
  really
• 44:18
  be
• 44:18
  a
• 44:19
  listening
• 44:19
  ear.
• 44:20
  That's
• 44:20
  all
• 44:20
  it
• 44:20
  is.
• 44:21
  God
• 44:21
  bless
• 44:22
  you.
• 44:22
  I
• 44:22
  love
• 44:22
  it,
• 44:22
  love
• 44:23
  it,
• 44:23
  love
• 44:23
  it.
• 44:24
  And
• 44:24
  I
• 44:24
  will
• 44:24
  put,
• 44:24
  like
• 44:25
  I
• 44:25
  said,
• 44:25
  I'll
• 44:25
  put
• 44:25
  that
• 44:25
  in
• 44:25
  the
• 44:25
  show
• 44:26
  notes
• 44:26
  now.
• 44:26
  You're
• 44:26
  not
• 44:26
  off
• 44:26
  the
• 44:27
  hook
• 44:27
  yet.
• 44:27
  First
• 44:28
  of
• 44:28
  all,
• 44:28
  thank
• 44:28
  you
• 44:28
  for
• 44:28
  coming.
• 44:28
  This
• 44:29
  has
• 44:29
  been
• 44:29
  absolutely
• 44:29
  amazing.
• 44:31
  Second
• 44:31
  of
• 44:31
  all,
• 44:32
  if,
• 44:32
  well,
• 44:32
  lastly,
• 44:33
  I
• 44:33
  guess
• 44:34
  if
• 44:34
  you
• 44:34
  had
• 44:35
  one
• 44:35
  piece
• 44:36
  of
• 44:36
  advice
• 44:36
  or
• 44:37
  words
• 44:37
  of
• 44:37
  wisdom
• 44:37
  or
• 44:38
  something
• 44:38
  tangible
• 44:39
  that
• 44:39
  people
• 44:39
  could
• 44:39
  take
• 44:39
  with
• 44:40
  them
• 44:40
  today,
• 44:40
  what
• 44:41
  would
• 44:41
  it
• 44:41
  be?
• 44:43
  I
• 44:43
  would
• 44:43
  say
• 44:43
  go
• 44:43
  to
• 44:44
  Marshalls
• 44:44
  or
• 44:44
  TJ
• 44:45
  Maxx
• 44:45
  and
• 44:45
  buy
• 44:45
  a
• 44:45
  $5
• 44:46
  journal
• 44:46
  and
• 44:46
  start
• 44:47
  writing
• 44:47
  your
• 44:47
  thoughts
• 44:48
  in
• 44:48
  it.
• 44:48
  I
• 44:48
  was
• 44:49
  wondering
• 44:49
  where
• 44:49
  that
• 44:49
  was
• 44:49
  going.
• 44:52
  Marshall
• 44:52
  or
• 44:52
  T.J.
• 44:53
  maxx?
• 44:53
  Okay.
• 44:54
  Yes,
• 44:54
  I
• 44:54
  get
• 44:54
  my
• 44:55
  pretty
• 44:55
  journals.
• 44:56
  And
• 44:56
  that's.
• 44:57
  Actually.
• 44:57
  I
• 44:57
  get
• 44:57
  my.
• 44:57
  Yeah,
• 44:58
  I
• 44:58
  guess
• 44:58
  I
• 44:58
  do
• 44:58
  get
• 44:58
  a
• 44:58
  lot
• 44:59
  of
• 44:59
  them
• 44:59
  at
• 44:59
  T.J.
• 44:59
  maxx.
• 44:59
  You're
• 45:00
  right.
• 45:01
  Great
• 45:01
  advice.
• 45:02
  You're
• 45:02
  right.
• 45:03
  Just
• 45:03
  start
• 45:03
  writing.
• 45:04
  Start
• 45:04
  getting
• 45:04
  it
• 45:05
  out
• 45:05
  of
• 45:05
  your
• 45:05
  body.
• 45:06
  So
• 45:06
  start
• 45:08
  just
• 45:08
  putting
• 45:09
  it
• 45:09
  out
• 45:09
  there,
• 45:09
  putting
• 45:09
  it
• 45:10
  on
• 45:10
  paper.
• 45:10
  It
• 45:10
  is
• 45:11
  so
• 45:11
  powerful,
• 45:12
  even
• 45:12
  if
• 45:12
  you.
• 45:13
  Don'T
• 45:13
  have
• 45:13
  anybody
• 45:13
  that
• 45:14
  you
• 45:14
  can
• 45:14
  talk
• 45:14
  about
• 45:14
  it
• 45:15
  with,
• 45:15
  any
• 45:15
  of
• 45:16
  the
• 45:16
  pain
• 45:16
  that
• 45:16
  you're
• 45:16
  going
• 45:16
  through,
• 45:17
  writing
• 45:17
  down
• 45:17
  your
• 45:18
  emotions
• 45:18
  and
• 45:19
  just.
• 45:19
  Even
• 45:19
  if
• 45:20
  you're
• 45:20
  angry,
• 45:20
  like,
• 45:20
  it's
• 45:21
  okay
• 45:21
  to
• 45:21
  put
• 45:21
  it
• 45:21
  on
• 45:21
  paper.
• 45:23
  So
• 45:24
  that's.
• 45:24
  That's
• 45:24
  really
• 45:25
  my
• 45:25
  one
• 45:25
  piece
• 45:25
  of
• 45:26
  actionable
• 45:26
  advice
• 45:27
  that
• 45:27
  I
• 45:27
  think
• 45:28
  is
• 45:28
  very
• 45:28
  practical.
• 45:29
  Absolutely.
• 45:30
  I
• 45:30
  love
• 45:31
  it.
• 45:31
  Thank
• 45:31
  you
• 45:31
  for
• 45:31
  that.
• 45:32
  Thanks,
• 45:32
  Tammy.
• 45:33
  And
• 45:33
  for
• 45:34
  everybody
• 45:34
  else
• 45:34
  out
• 45:34
  there
• 45:35
  listening,
• 45:35
  you
• 45:35
  have
• 45:35
  an
• 45:35
  amazing
• 45:36
  week.
• 45:36
  And
• 45:37
  go
• 45:38
  check
• 45:38
  out
• 45:38
  Helen's
• 45:39
  stuff.
• 45:39
  Absolutely
• 45:40
  amazing.
• 45:41
  Know
• 45:41
  that
• 45:42
  you
• 45:42
  can
• 45:42
  reach
• 45:42
  out.
• 45:42
  You
• 45:43
  can
• 45:43
  reach
• 45:43
  out
• 45:43
  to
• 45:43
  her,
• 45:43
  you
• 45:44
  can
• 45:44
  reach
• 45:44
  out
• 45:44
  to
• 45:44
  me.
• 45:45
  Whatever
• 45:45
  you
• 45:45
  want
• 45:45
  to
• 45:45
  do.
• 45:46
  Just
• 45:47
  know
• 45:47
  that
• 45:47
  you're
• 45:48
  100%
• 45:49
  worth
• 45:49
  every
• 45:49
  step
• 45:50
  you
• 45:50
  take
• 45:50
  in
• 45:50
  the
• 45:50
  right
• 45:50
  direction,
• 45:51
  and
• 45:51
  that
• 45:52
  your
• 45:52
  peace,
• 45:52
  your
• 45:52
  joy,
• 45:53
  your
• 45:53
  happiness
• 45:54
  is
• 45:54
  out
• 45:54
  there
• 45:54
  for
• 45:54
  the
• 45:55
  taking.
• 45:55
  You
• 45:55
  just
• 45:55
  gotta
• 45:56
  go
• 45:56
  find
• 45:56
  it.
• 45:56
  It's
• 45:57
  out
• 45:57
  there.
• 45:58
  So
• 45:58
  thank
• 45:58
  you
• 45:58
  all,
• 45:58
  and
• 45:58
  you
• 45:59
  have
• 45:59
  a
• 45:59
  blessed
• 45:59
  week.