Latest / Relationship Coaching Group Podcast / "Alone Doesn't Mean Lonely- Solo Living & Self-Love"

Transcript

"Alone Doesn't Mean Lonely- Solo Living & Self-Love" · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

0:11
SPEAKER_01: Hello, lovely listeners, and welcome back to another thought-provoking podcast.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: Are you afraid of being alone or are you afraid of feeling lonely?
0:25
SPEAKER_01: Because there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: You can be single and happy, you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: And believe it or not, you can be in a relationship and feel more alone than you ever did when you were single.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: So if you've ever stayed in an unhealthy relationship because you were afraid of being alone, dated someone simply because you didn't want to be single, or wondered whether something was wrong with you because you're not in a relationship right now.
1:02
SPEAKER_01: This conversation is for you.
1:05
SPEAKER_01: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your host, known as a relationship expert specializing in behavior.
1:14
SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the podcast where we have real conversations about dating, relationships, boundaries, and self-respect.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: So grab your latte, get comfortable, and let's have that conversation.
1:30
SPEAKER_01: Today we're talking about why being alone doesn't mean you're lonely, how to overcome the fear of being alone, and how learning to enjoy your own company can actually help you build healthier relationships.
1:45
SPEAKER_01: Because the person you need to learn how to be comfortable with isn't someone you're waiting to meet.
1:52
SPEAKER_01: It's you.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: But before we dive into today's conversation, I want to welcome my co-host, the professor.
2:01
SPEAKER_01: Welcome, professor.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: Whoa.
2:07
SPEAKER_02: Okay, guys.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: Did that catch you?
2:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that that I have no clue.
2:12
SPEAKER_02: I've said this before, I have no clue because we don't rehearse nothing.
2:15
SPEAKER_02: I have no clue what's coming until she says it.
2:19
SPEAKER_02: Because we want it to be honest, raw, and smack you in the face to wake you up.
2:25
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
2:26
SPEAKER_02: This episode.
2:27
SPEAKER_01: Did it smack you in the face, Professor?
2:30
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, because this this is the one that's that's oh yeah.
2:33
SPEAKER_01: Oh, this this is this is really oh my goodness.
2:37
SPEAKER_02: This is a topic that is huge.
2:41
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
2:42
SPEAKER_02: Because people have a hard time adjusting to being alone.
2:49
SPEAKER_02: And it's uh adjusting to being lonely.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: Yes, and we needed to tackle this topic.
2:56
SPEAKER_01: It's time.
2:57
SPEAKER_01: It's it's time, it's time.
3:00
SPEAKER_02: So make sure that you got the radio turned up, headphones in.
3:04
SPEAKER_02: If you're driving, no headphones, turn the speakers up.
3:07
SPEAKER_02: Because this one here, it's gonna be a good one.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: And ha again, have your latte, yes, pen and paper, and take notes.
3:16
SPEAKER_02: And if you're at the gas station, we'll give you a few minutes to get your coffee.
3:19
SPEAKER_02: Nope, too late.
3:20
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna get going.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: Now, being alone again doesn't mean you're lonely.
3:27
SPEAKER_01: Being alone is a physical state.
3:29
SPEAKER_01: Loneliness is an emotional state, and those two things are not the same.
3:35
SPEAKER_01: So listen, you can spend Saturday night alone ordering a pizza, watch your favorite show, laugh at something silly, and have a wonderful time.
3:46
SPEAKER_01: And then you can be sitting next to your partner on the sofa, scrolling through your phone, feeling absolutely invisible.
3:54
SPEAKER_01: Am I right about that, Professor?
3:56
SPEAKER_02: You are more than right.
3:58
SPEAKER_02: Because that happens not even just at home.
4:02
SPEAKER_02: We've we've said this before.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: Oh we're people watchers.
4:05
SPEAKER_02: Here he go, here he goes go ahead.
4:07
SPEAKER_02: I gotta yeah, I gotta I know I know where you're going.
4:09
SPEAKER_02: You know where I'm going with this.
4:11
SPEAKER_02: We watch people, and uh behavior is one of Roxanne's special Oh goodness, yes.
4:19
SPEAKER_02: Every ol type of social behavior, human behavior, this is her thing.
4:23
SPEAKER_02: Yes, and I'll tell you, we sit there, I've learned so much from her.
4:27
SPEAKER_02: You sit there and you watch people at restaurants, coffee, coffee shops, you name it, and you she will spot someone and she'll say, Watch what they do next.
4:39
SPEAKER_02: And she'll turn around and she'll go, I guarantee you, she's about to pull her phone out.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm sitting there, I'm like, Yeah, no, she's not pulling her phone.
4:48
SPEAKER_02: She'll look at me and she'll go, Really?
4:50
SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, God darn it, yes, she's got her phone out, you know.
4:54
SPEAKER_02: Because she just she sees the way that you position yourself and everything.
4:59
SPEAKER_02: And these are the these are the things that we talk about.
5:02
SPEAKER_02: If you can't sit at a table with your partner and have a conversation, then what's the point?
5:08
SPEAKER_01: Right.
5:09
SPEAKER_01: Why are you together?
5:10
SPEAKER_01: And and another thing uh that happened recently, uh, we were we were at a little restaurant, and they're both having they they both have their phones out.
5:21
SPEAKER_01: The guy stops because he he's finishing his food.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: The the his the his partner there, she finished longer.
5:30
SPEAKER_01: As a matter of fact, she ended up giving him a lot of her food.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: She's because I think she her phone was a little more important.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm watching, he there's no expression on their faces.
5:41
SPEAKER_01: He gets up, and it takes her a couple seconds to realize that he's up getting ready leaving, yeah, and she's still on her phone.
5:51
SPEAKER_01: Her phone.
5:52
SPEAKER_01: And and you should finally she scurries around, put it, put it, put, grabs her phone, grabs her purse, and has to catch him up because he's gone.
6:01
SPEAKER_02: And she's pointed all this out before I even saw it.
6:06
SPEAKER_02: She was like, watch this unfold.
6:09
SPEAKER_01: He looked so annoyed.
6:11
SPEAKER_01: Uh and she didn't even notice how it his expression uh was.
6:18
SPEAKER_02: And so when we speak about this stuff, we see it in real time.
6:24
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
6:25
SPEAKER_02: Every day.
6:26
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
6:27
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a little funny.
6:29
SPEAKER_01: You ready, pet professor?
6:31
SPEAKER_02: Go for it.
6:32
SPEAKER_01: Being alone is like being excited that you have the whole bed to yourself.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: Being lonely is like wishing your house was haunted just to have someone to argue with you about the thermostat.
6:48
SPEAKER_02: Oh she makes me laugh every day.
6:51
SPEAKER_02: I'm telling you guys.
6:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, now here's an here's another another we're going to another point.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: Don't date because you're afraid of being single.
7:02
SPEAKER_01: And and and and I I had to look at and I listen to my thoughts and say, uh it's not really afraid.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: You just don't want to be single.
7:13
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
7:14
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's not so I'm gonna rephrase that.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: Don't date because you don't want to be single.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: One of the biggest dating mistakes people make is choosing a relationship because they don't want to be alone.
7:28
SPEAKER_02: We've said this before in podcasts.
7:30
SPEAKER_02: Fear.
7:31
SPEAKER_02: Fear gets hold of you.
7:34
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
7:35
SPEAKER_02: You give in to the fear.
7:37
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
7:38
SPEAKER_02: I need somebody.
7:39
SPEAKER_02: You hear all the time, I want a man, I want a woman, I want a man, I want a woman, and you want so bad and you give in to that fear.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what yeah, and I don't like to be single.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: I don't like being single.
7:51
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be alone.
7:53
SPEAKER_01: So you choose one thing.
7:55
SPEAKER_01: Right.
7:56
SPEAKER_01: You have to ask yourself, do I really want this person, or do I just want somebody?
8:03
SPEAKER_01: Anybody.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: Just to say I have Yeah, that's a powerful question.
8:08
SPEAKER_01: Because when loneliness is making your dating decisions, again, you may ignore red flags, overlook the fact that that you're in incompatible.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: You're not so you're overlooking something very important, and you accept behavior you normally wouldn't tolerate when you you know when loneliness is making your dating decisions.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: Don't let loneliness make your dating decisions because it happens more often.
8:38
SPEAKER_02: Why?
8:38
SPEAKER_02: Because we don't want to be alone, so we make bad decisions, bad choices.
8:42
SPEAKER_02: Right.
8:43
SPEAKER_01: You're you're letting loneliness take over.
8:45
SPEAKER_01: But sometimes fear.
8:47
SPEAKER_01: Right.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm gonna get this out eventually.
8:50
SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
8:51
SPEAKER_01: How many times do I say some sometimes?
8:54
SPEAKER_01: How many okay?
8:55
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we need to remember before I before I forget, sometimes we need to remember being single is better than being attached to the wrong person.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: Am I right about it?
9:06
SPEAKER_02: You are more than right.
9:08
SPEAKER_02: You're always right.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: Not well, not always.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: Come on, you're giving me too too much credit.
9:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: I won't be able to walk out this door because my head will be too big.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: It's already big.
9:21
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
9:22
SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: You know you're gonna pay for this, right?
9:26
SPEAKER_02: I know.
9:26
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
9:28
SPEAKER_02: We it's so easy to pick and choose the wrong thing because of being desperate to have something you don't need right now.
9:38
SPEAKER_02: Right.
9:40
SPEAKER_02: Be happy in yourself first.
9:42
SPEAKER_02: Yes, be happy in being single, be happy being love yourself.
9:49
SPEAKER_02: Yes, and read yes.
9:50
SPEAKER_02: I I've said this many times.
9:53
SPEAKER_02: If you can't go out and eat by yourself, go to a movie, enjoy your time.
9:59
SPEAKER_02: Do you like being alone?
10:01
SPEAKER_02: I do.
10:03
SPEAKER_02: I really, really do.
10:04
SPEAKER_02: How many times do you go go eat by yourself?
10:07
SPEAKER_02: Oh good often.
10:09
SPEAKER_02: Very often.
10:11
SPEAKER_02: I just there's times where I'm like, you want can you want some company?
10:13
SPEAKER_02: Uh now I I um I got some stuff to this.
10:16
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: And I'm not offended by it in any way.
10:18
SPEAKER_01: Especially, especially taking walks.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: I know sometimes, you know, I I invite you, but I love my alone time.
10:27
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
10:28
SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with that.
10:29
SPEAKER_02: No.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: What it is, is it's that you have practiced enjoying your time.
10:37
SPEAKER_02: There's nothing wrong with that.
10:39
SPEAKER_02: Not at all.
10:39
SPEAKER_02: Because if you can be happy in yourself and love yourself, then it makes you a better lover.
10:47
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, okay.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: And yeah, and it it does, doesn't it?
10:51
SPEAKER_01: It does.
10:53
SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna these are points.
10:56
SPEAKER_01: I'm glad you're bringing it up because we these are points we're going to uh uh elaborate on.
11:01
SPEAKER_01: Far away.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Now here's a funny difference between alone and lonely.
11:06
SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
11:06
SPEAKER_01: Eating pizza alone means no one is around to judge your crust choices or steal the last slice.
11:14
SPEAKER_01: But being lonely is staring at the pizza box, naming the delivery driver your primary social connection.
11:22
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
11:24
SPEAKER_01: Ow, ow, ow.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:29
SPEAKER_01: Okay, the you've already Oh, that I know that hurt somebody.
11:33
SPEAKER_01: You've already connected with the delivery driver.
11:37
SPEAKER_01: Now stop treating singleness like an emergency.
11:42
SPEAKER_01: Being single isn't something you need to apologize for.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that you're undesirable.
11:49
SPEAKER_01: It's not a race against time.
11:52
SPEAKER_01: Rushing to escape singleness often leads to hooking up or marrying again the wrong person.
12:01
SPEAKER_02: We have in our travels met many people.
12:07
SPEAKER_02: Men and women, single travelers.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
12:11
SPEAKER_02: And when you meet these wonderful people, men and women, they're happy out being by themselves, enjoying food by enjoying life by themselves.
12:24
SPEAKER_02: They don't need a man or a woman.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
12:28
SPEAKER_02: And they'll say to you, I'm I'm happy um being by myself.
12:36
SPEAKER_02: Would I like to have company or somebody with me?
12:39
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
12:40
SPEAKER_02: But it's not a necessity.
12:41
SPEAKER_01: No, and they meet new people along the way.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: Along the way.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
12:46
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's here's a point that I want to make.
12:48
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes being single is an opportunity to learn and work more on yourself before allowing someone into your life and space.
12:57
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: That's kind of what we were talking about.
13:00
SPEAKER_01: And being single is the time to ask yourself, what do I really want in a relationship?
13:06
SPEAKER_01: What behaviors will I no longer tolerate?
13:09
SPEAKER_01: And what kind of partner should I be?
13:13
SPEAKER_01: Am I emotionally ready to be in a healthy relationship?
13:18
SPEAKER_01: Because as you said, Professor, you may these are times to work on yourself.
13:22
SPEAKER_01: These are times to self-reflect and ask yourself questions that you probably ignored in the previous relationships.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Right?
13:33
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
13:34
SPEAKER_02: And it I'm gonna give you an example of sometimes single, we work to give ourselves happiness.
13:43
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
13:45
SPEAKER_02: And then when we do come face to face with a relationship, we don't know how to behave because we haven't learned any social skills.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
13:56
SPEAKER_02: Because all we've done is buried ourselves in work doing in front of a computer, work in front of a computer.
14:04
SPEAKER_02: That's it.
14:05
SPEAKER_02: We've forgotten how to communicate and be yourself, set boundaries, have fun.
14:11
SPEAKER_01: Right.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: And and that's why a lot of people turn to online dating because they don't either want to face someone in real life, you know, like going to social events, uh single.
14:25
SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of events, social events that are out there.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: But you know, a lot of people will choose staying home and scrolling online.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: And then they pick they pick the wrong person anyway.
14:40
SPEAKER_02: I I understand there's people who have have met their soulmate online, and I'm happy for that, I really am.
14:47
SPEAKER_02: But the social, these all the there's so many, so many.
14:51
SPEAKER_02: It's ridiculous.
14:53
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
14:53
SPEAKER_02: And unfortunately, there's some a lot of undesirables and not truthful people on there.
15:00
SPEAKER_02: Their pictures don't even match what they look like in real life.
15:03
SPEAKER_01: Or they're the description of them doesn't match what it is in real life.
15:09
SPEAKER_01: So you have to be careful about that.
15:11
SPEAKER_02: Take that all with a pinch of salt until you've actually met them in a public area and you start asking those questions and who they are and looking for those red flags.
15:24
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
15:25
SPEAKER_01: And I think we we we have a uh podcast about the uh online dating.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: There's so many.
15:33
SPEAKER_01: There's so many.
15:34
SPEAKER_01: If not, we'll we'll touch bases on it.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: But you know, again, don't treat singleness as an emergency.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: Being single isn't a medical emergency where someone rushes into the room yelling, quick! Somebody find this person a boyfriend.
15:49
SPEAKER_01: Don't treat singleness like any it's an emergency.
15:54
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
15:55
SPEAKER_01: And here's something you touched on, Professor.
15:57
SPEAKER_01: Learn to enjoy your own company.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with No, and you even I think mentioned it in the the last podcast about enjoying your own company.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: I say it all the time.
16:09
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: Because a lot of times I have to teach people to start afresh.
16:16
SPEAKER_02: When I say to people, all right, here's your task.
16:19
SPEAKER_02: You're going to the movies tonight by yourself.
16:22
SPEAKER_02: Huh?
16:22
SPEAKER_02: By myself?
16:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:24
SPEAKER_02: And then after your movie, you'll go home.
16:26
SPEAKER_02: And then the next day you're going to go to dinner by yourself.
16:29
SPEAKER_02: By myself.
16:30
SPEAKER_01: They're terrified.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: Right.
16:33
SPEAKER_01: You have to learn to again, you just have to enjoy your own company.
16:39
SPEAKER_01: This is one of the healthiest points we'll make today.
16:42
SPEAKER_01: And Professor, you touched us, touched base bases on some of these.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: Take yourself to lunch or dinner.
16:47
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
16:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna reiterate some of the things you said.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: Go see a movie at the theater by yourself as you work with some of your your clients.
16:58
SPEAKER_02: Let me just say this real quick.
17:01
SPEAKER_02: This can make you laugh.
17:02
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
17:03
SPEAKER_02: I didn't trust her to go to a movie because she was laughing and like, okay, okay, I'll try, I'll try.
17:11
SPEAKER_02: So I found a movie and I said, This is where you're gonna go.
17:14
SPEAKER_02: I parked across the street, uh-huh.
17:16
SPEAKER_02: Like a little stalker, to see if she would go to the movies.
17:20
SPEAKER_02: She was standing outside the movie, and I called her on the phone and said, So did you go to the movies?
17:26
SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, um I'm here right now.
17:29
SPEAKER_02: I'm having a hard time.
17:31
SPEAKER_02: I had to coach her into the movie.
17:32
SPEAKER_02: Oh wow.
17:34
SPEAKER_02: And then after it was done, I waited because I waited to see if she was gonna stay.
17:38
SPEAKER_02: So a good 30 minutes, I said, All right, she's good.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: So she called me after, she says, I went to the movie.
17:42
SPEAKER_02: I said, Did you enjoy it?
17:43
SPEAKER_02: She goes, it was a fun movie.
17:44
SPEAKER_02: I said, Yeah, I know.
17:45
SPEAKER_02: I saw you going.
17:45
SPEAKER_02: She goes, You are watching me.
17:47
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Yeah.
17:48
SPEAKER_02: Because I said I was gonna make you go.
17:50
SPEAKER_02: Wow, wow, good, good for you.
17:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this is what we're having to deal with.
17:56
SPEAKER_02: Yes, the fear of being by yourself, right, right.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: You have to yes, and and and again, you you mentioned traveling.
18:06
SPEAKER_01: We just as you said, we meet so many single travelers that travel that are traveling abroad, yeah.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: And they they love it.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: They and I we admire them, don't we?
18:21
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
18:22
SPEAKER_02: I I let me tell you, I I wish that when I was younger, I traveled, but then life gets in the way.
18:30
SPEAKER_02: Yes, and you start gotta buckle down, I gotta have this, I gotta buy a house.
18:34
SPEAKER_02: You start living the dream, and it's not a dream, it's a freaking nightmare.
18:38
SPEAKER_02: Nightmare.
18:39
SPEAKER_02: You know, but it's me.
18:41
SPEAKER_02: Yes, people and and I hear this all the time.
18:45
SPEAKER_02: Since you've left your home country, and we've talked about this on Xpat Podcast, since you left the country, what have you learned about yourself?
18:53
SPEAKER_02: And about dating.
18:54
SPEAKER_02: And about dating.
18:56
SPEAKER_02: I don't have to pick the first thing that comes along, and I can enjoy my journey by myself.
19:03
SPEAKER_02: Right.
19:04
SPEAKER_01: And I can and they can enjoy again meeting new people, having new experiences, and it's you just have to have the the the confidence in yourself that you can do this.
19:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you can do this.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: And here's another one spend time with your friends.
19:22
SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have any friends, find some.
19:25
SPEAKER_01: Because there's again, there's groups, there's social groups, there's uh even groups with through churches that uh that host a lot of these uh these meeting, these settings for singles.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: Go to Costco and just push the cart around and bump into some handsome guy.
19:44
SPEAKER_02: Oh sorry or a pretty or a pretty ladies.
19:47
SPEAKER_02: Pretty lady.
19:49
SPEAKER_01: And uh also another tip is to develop hobbies.
19:53
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
19:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm a big fan of that.
19:55
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
19:56
SPEAKER_02: Because you will you will meet um so good friend of mine went to an art, would it call that a sip and paint?
20:05
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
20:06
SPEAKER_02: He didn't want to go, and he called me up and he was like, I don't know why I want to go.
20:10
SPEAKER_02: That's stupid, I don't want to go.
20:11
SPEAKER_02: I was like, dude, what you gonna lose?
20:13
SPEAKER_02: Just go.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: It was a bunch of like uh um church friends and stuff right.
20:19
SPEAKER_02: So he went, he texted me and said, Oh my god, there's this woman, she's flying.
20:26
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Well, talk to her, you know, and so he's texting away, suddenly I didn't hear nothing else from him.
20:33
SPEAKER_02: So he calls me the next day and I said, Did you ever talk with her?
20:37
SPEAKER_02: He said, Yeah, we went and had coffee afterwards.
20:40
SPEAKER_02: Nice, nice.
20:41
SPEAKER_02: I said, Oh, how'd he go?
20:44
SPEAKER_01: Oh amazing, and that and that's that's this you you have to step out of your comfort zone.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, and you know, listen, your life shouldn't begin when someone comes into it.
20:56
SPEAKER_01: Get your life started, then they'll add to it.
20:59
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
21:00
SPEAKER_01: So all these all these tips we're giving you about don't be afraid to step out, travel, meet new people, go to go to social group settings and have a great time.
21:13
SPEAKER_02: We had we have we have adopted kids.
21:17
SPEAKER_02: One of our adopted kids went on a trip by herself.
21:22
SPEAKER_02: We were so proud of her, and she loved every minute of it.
21:26
SPEAKER_02: And I never thought I would ever see her take a trip by herself.
21:30
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
21:30
SPEAKER_01: Wow, that's that's wonderful.
21:33
SPEAKER_01: Now, listen, here's a little funny.
21:36
SPEAKER_01: Watching a horror movie alone creates high stakes entertainment where you control the volume.
21:42
SPEAKER_01: Watching that same horror movie feeling lonely, you realize every creak in the floorboard is a serial killer and you have no one to push in front of you.
21:52
SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
21:56
SPEAKER_02: You're wrong.
21:58
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry guys.
22:01
SPEAKER_02: She's had too much coffee today.
22:03
SPEAKER_01: Oh yes.
22:04
SPEAKER_01: That that last cup.
22:05
SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness, it was strong.
22:06
SPEAKER_01: How many of you had four?
22:08
SPEAKER_01: No, actually three.
22:10
SPEAKER_01: But who's counting?
22:13
SPEAKER_01: After this, I'm gonna have another one.
22:15
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
22:16
SPEAKER_01: Being comfortable alone doesn't mean you don't want love.
22:21
SPEAKER_01: It just means you don't need to abandon yourself just because love hasn't arrived yet.
22:27
SPEAKER_01: Love will come in its own time.
22:29
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
22:30
SPEAKER_02: When you are rich.
22:31
SPEAKER_02: We sometimes we push ourselves onto a onto somebody thinking that it's love and it's just fatuation that we we're lusting over.
22:43
SPEAKER_02: And we all people always tend to dra gravitate to the ones that we shouldn't be with.
22:49
SPEAKER_02: You notice that?
22:50
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
22:51
SPEAKER_02: We always people always gravitate to the ones they shouldn't be with, and the ones that you should be with, you let them go.
22:57
SPEAKER_02: Right, right, right.
22:58
SPEAKER_02: Or you you put them to the side in the friend zone.
23:01
SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
23:02
SPEAKER_01: Because it's the louder one that kind of gets the attention and they of they kind of exclude the person that's being quiet, that's kind of you know to themselves.
23:15
SPEAKER_02: But we go for the big bright loud colors.
23:18
SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
23:20
SPEAKER_01: Shiny.
23:21
SPEAKER_01: Yes, shine.
23:22
SPEAKER_01: It's shiny.
23:23
SPEAKER_01: It's shiny.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
23:26
SPEAKER_01: Now don't confuse attention with love.
23:29
SPEAKER_01: When you're lonely, even again, even a little attention can feel like a lot.
23:35
SPEAKER_01: Here's an example.
23:37
SPEAKER_01: Someone com comments on your social media photo.
23:41
SPEAKER_01: Hey, beautiful.
23:42
SPEAKER_01: And suddenly your imagination has already picked out the perfect wedding venue.
23:48
SPEAKER_02: That happens way more than we want it to.
23:51
SPEAKER_01: Oh, they they really like me.
23:52
SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness, this you know, this is it.
23:54
SPEAKER_02: This is you've already you've already visualized the white picket fence, children, dog, billy goats, you've got it all.
24:04
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
24:05
SPEAKER_01: Now I do have some signs of attention, okay?
24:08
SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: When it's convenient, you'll get these these are these are just signs of of attention, of attention getters.
24:18
SPEAKER_01: They'll they'll give you attention when it's convenient.
24:23
SPEAKER_01: Uh the attention is inconsistent.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: The attention will s have surface level vibes, like heavy compliments or late night texts, but not interested in your life.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
24:38
SPEAKER_01: Signs of you know, just just attention getters.
24:41
SPEAKER_01: Empty promises, just words, no follow-through.
24:46
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's some signs of love.
24:48
SPEAKER_01: They value you, they show up for you through consistent and steady actions, and they'll show you patience and care, especially when you need it.
25:00
SPEAKER_01: That's love.
25:01
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
25:02
SPEAKER_01: You know, just attention getters, uh yeah, that's all it is.
25:08
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
25:09
SPEAKER_02: They're love bombers.
25:10
SPEAKER_02: That's what they they they throw you off kilter to make you think that they want you.
25:18
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
25:19
SPEAKER_02: But all it is is for you to hang on to them for dear life and they really don't give a shit.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: Right.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: And like you said, love bombers, the the heavy compliments or late-night texts, but not interested in your life.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: And the the someone that reaches out to you when it's convenient to them.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: And men, men for empty promises.
25:38
SPEAKER_02: Men fall for that a lot.
25:39
SPEAKER_02: Because when you hear a woman say, Oh, you know, you're so handsome, oh you're your beautiful eyes, you're, you know, you men fall for that just as much as yes.
25:49
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
25:50
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
25:51
SPEAKER_02: Because it's it it throws men off when women say, Oh, you're so beautiful.
25:57
SPEAKER_02: Oh, your eyes are just stunning, you know.
25:59
SPEAKER_02: Oh, you're so handsome.
26:00
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love your dimple.
26:02
SPEAKER_02: When women talk to men like that, men like, uh, okay.
26:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they'll they'll fall for it just as easy as that's it.
26:10
SPEAKER_02: That's it.
26:11
SPEAKER_02: So just you know, don't look at this as this as one-sided.
26:16
SPEAKER_02: Oh no.
26:17
SPEAKER_02: Right.
26:18
SPEAKER_02: No, it isn't.
26:18
SPEAKER_02: It isn't.
26:20
SPEAKER_02: Love bombing isn't isn't uh uh uh pit and choose.
26:24
SPEAKER_02: It works on both sides.
26:25
SPEAKER_01: Right, and it is a thing.
26:27
SPEAKER_01: Yes, it is a thing.
26:29
SPEAKER_01: And uh so know the signs of of the love bombing, you know, the the signs of j just attention getters, and know the signs of of real love.
26:40
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the funny being alone is sweet, peaceful, silent, and it's where you can actually hear yourself think.
26:50
SPEAKER_01: Being lonely is turning on the TV, a podcast, and a fan all at the same time, just so the silence doesn't try to start a conversation with you.
27:01
SPEAKER_02: That is so true.
27:03
SPEAKER_01: So look beyond the attention and look for consistency, respect, communication, emotional availability, trust, and commitment.
27:15
SPEAKER_01: Those things matter, right, Professor?
27:17
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
27:18
SPEAKER_02: Uh, I'm gonna use myself as an example.
27:22
SPEAKER_02: I was the type of person that the moment I walk through the door, I would turn on all the lights, go in all the rooms, turn lights on, put the TVs on, every TV would, it's like TV in every room, TV would be on everywhere.
27:35
SPEAKER_02: I had to learn in my younger days to be happy in the silence.
27:40
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
27:42
SPEAKER_02: That I didn't need to have all the noise around me.
27:44
SPEAKER_02: Right.
27:45
SPEAKER_02: Because it makes you not feel alone.
27:47
SPEAKER_02: So it's okay to be in the silence.
27:51
SPEAKER_02: It's okay to hear your heartbeat.
27:53
SPEAKER_02: Yes, because it lets you know that you're alive, you're real, and that you're okay.
27:59
SPEAKER_02: And it's time to s and it gives you time to self-reflect.
28:02
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
28:03
SPEAKER_02: There's nothing wrong with being uh alone.
28:07
SPEAKER_02: Being alonely is okay, but it's how you attack each one.
28:13
SPEAKER_01: Right.
28:14
SPEAKER_01: And and and and again, being alone is it gives you that, it gives you that time.
28:21
SPEAKER_01: It gives you that that peace.
28:23
SPEAKER_01: For self-love.
28:24
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
28:24
SPEAKER_02: There's nothing wrong with and we're not talking about self-love that you're going down in the store and buying a Gucci bag and you're buying all this and buying all that.
28:30
SPEAKER_02: That's not that's not you're just trying to make yourself happy.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:34
SPEAKER_02: We're talking about enjoying your time, sitting, reading a book, being happy, not worrying about, you know, I'm I'm here by myself.
28:42
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, I need a man, I need a woman.
28:45
SPEAKER_02: No.
28:45
SPEAKER_01: And and as you said, being alone or you know, that's a physical state.
28:52
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
28:52
SPEAKER_01: And loneliness is an emotional state, and you can control those emotions.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: That's the difference.
28:58
SPEAKER_01: You can control the emotion.
29:00
SPEAKER_01: It's just an emotional state.
29:01
SPEAKER_02: Yep, because being lonely, it's okay.
29:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
29:06
SPEAKER_02: Doesn't mean there's nothing that it you there's nothing wrong with you.
29:10
SPEAKER_02: Just means you're horny that night, you know?
29:13
SPEAKER_02: Really?
29:14
SPEAKER_02: Well, being lonely, you want intimacy, you want to feel loved, you want to feel wanted, you want to feel you want to be cuddled.
29:22
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
29:23
SPEAKER_02: That's how most people view it.
29:25
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
29:25
SPEAKER_02: They they put a tangible thing on it.
29:28
SPEAKER_01: Right, because it's it's emotional.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: So they want to fulfill that emotion with something.
29:34
SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it's not, it's not it's not fulfilling it with something healthy, as we say here.
29:41
SPEAKER_01: Uh sometimes it's fulfilling it with unhealthy actions.
29:45
SPEAKER_02: Going to the bar, getting drunk, going home, bringing a bottle of whiskey home, getting to feel the loneliness.
29:50
SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're trying to help.
29:52
SPEAKER_01: We're trying to give you tips of of showing you the difference and showing you how to break the pattern of even of that emotion, of how to how to take control of that emotion.
30:04
SPEAKER_01: Again, and here's another point: don't stay in an unhealthy relationship just because you don't want to be alone.
30:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: Because, see, loneliness will drive you into unhealthy situations and unhealthy actions.
30:18
SPEAKER_01: And we're here here to give you tips on controlling that and bring it in, bring in in healthy uh actions, encounters.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: Because those unhealthy behaviors come out in so many different things.
30:35
SPEAKER_02: Again, yeah.
30:36
SPEAKER_01: Overeating, not eating, being or driving, driving in into uh an unhealthy relationship.
30:43
SPEAKER_02: Drugs, alcohol, all those things because we're looking for something to fill that void.
30:50
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
30:50
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
30:50
SPEAKER_01: So we're here we're here.
30:52
SPEAKER_01: And the and this is an important point uh point that we you know we just stated in in terms of not staying in an unhealthy relationship, just not to be alone.
31:03
SPEAKER_01: Uh sometimes people aren't uh aren't afraid of losing the relationship, they're afraid of what comes after it.
31:11
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
31:11
SPEAKER_01: And I don't think it's being afraid.
31:14
SPEAKER_01: I I said that I would say that they just don't want to.
31:19
SPEAKER_01: They don't want to sleep alone, they don't want to start over, they don't want to uh be judged, they don't want to feel lonely, and they don't want uh to be wondering if they made the wrong decision, second second guessing themselves if did I get out the relationship too could they start feeling lonely?
31:40
SPEAKER_01: Did I get out the relationship too soon?
31:43
SPEAKER_01: Or should I should I have stayed, they start should I have stayed in it, knowing that it wasn't healthy.
31:49
SPEAKER_01: Because staying in an unhealthy relationship won't guarantee you'll feel less lonely because you can be right beside someone and still feel emotionally and physically detached.
32:03
SPEAKER_02: You don't want to be a serial dater, because when you become a serial dater and you go from relationship to relationship to relationship to be able to just not just not to be alone, you will never succeed.
32:19
SPEAKER_02: Right.
32:20
SPEAKER_02: You will never be happy because you always picking the wrong thing.
32:25
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a little funny staying in a bad relationship is being is like being in a sinking cruise ship, but staying because the buffet is still open.
32:40
SPEAKER_02: But okay, it's funny, you know, it would get out you know the funnies that she gives is to bring light to it because we want you to understand that this is this is a thing that people do unconsciously.
32:59
SPEAKER_02: They don't even realize they're doing it.
33:01
SPEAKER_02: A lot of people don't realize they're doing it.
33:04
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
33:05
SPEAKER_02: So we're trying to bring light to it, whether you know it or not, that what these things that you do are fixable.
33:12
SPEAKER_01: Right.
33:13
SPEAKER_01: And just looking at the the the cruise ship, okay, the cruise ship is sinking just like your relationship, then it's time to jump ship.
33:22
SPEAKER_01: But you're sticking around.
33:24
SPEAKER_01: Because the buffet is open.
33:25
SPEAKER_01: Right.
33:27
SPEAKER_01: Now, your relationship status doesn't determine determine your worth.
33:32
SPEAKER_01: Your worth isn't determined by whether someone chooses you.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: And your your relationship status doesn't determine whether you're more valuable.
33:45
SPEAKER_01: Uh it doesn't determine whether you're you're less valuable.
33:50
SPEAKER_01: And you don't become worthy when someone puts a relationship label on you.
33:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
33:56
SPEAKER_01: Your relationship status is just that a status.
33:59
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't make who you truly are.
34:02
SPEAKER_01: You're valuable without a status.
34:05
SPEAKER_01: And here's a question for self-reflection.
34:09
SPEAKER_01: If no one came along in a year or two, would you be able to build your career and future without needing a plus one?
34:19
SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
34:20
SPEAKER_02: There's nothing wrong with building a life for yourself, being happy in yourself, but always remember to not block that good person out of your life because we get caught up in the me.
34:40
SPEAKER_02: Right.
34:41
SPEAKER_02: That's so easy to do.
34:42
SPEAKER_02: But don't stay in a relationship just be just to have a status.
34:47
SPEAKER_02: Right.
34:48
SPEAKER_02: You know, I have met people who have stayed with uh a guy who stayed with a woman because she was beautiful and she looks good when they go to to corporate events, but they don't love each other.
34:59
SPEAKER_01: Right.
35:00
SPEAKER_01: And you know what when when you're lonely, you you you you might even make the mistake of building a life you don't you you don't want to escape from.
35:10
SPEAKER_01: Healthy relationships should add to your life, not become your entire life.
35:14
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
35:15
SPEAKER_01: Have your own interests, have friendships, have experiences, have goals, have purpose.
35:23
SPEAKER_01: More importantly, have a dynamic relationship with yourself.
35:29
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the thing: when you have a fulfilling life, you're less likely to accept an unhealthy relationship, to fill a space, because it's already been filled with your own interests and activities, right?
35:43
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
35:44
SPEAKER_01: So lit listen, listen to your lit your common sense part of your brain.
35:51
SPEAKER_02: In a nutshell, if you were going bowling and you belong in a bowling league and these things you love doing, then you shouldn't be stuck doing those things, and your partner shouldn't be saying to you, Well, I don't want you to do that anymore.
36:04
SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
36:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
36:08
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a here's a little funny.
36:11
SPEAKER_01: Your partner should be an addition to your life, not a distraction device to keep you from realizing you actually enjoy your own company.
36:21
SPEAKER_01: It's nothing wrong with the enjoying your own company.
36:24
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
36:25
SPEAKER_01: You know, ha have someone that compliments.
36:30
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
36:32
SPEAKER_01: Now being comfortable alone can help you choose better.
36:35
SPEAKER_01: This is something you touched on earlier, Professor.
36:38
SPEAKER_01: When you're okay with being alone, you become more selective about who you allow in your life and space.
36:46
SPEAKER_02: And you become self-aware.
36:48
SPEAKER_01: Right.
36:48
SPEAKER_01: And and you you don't you don't have to say, well, at least somebody wants me.
36:53
SPEAKER_01: You say this instead.
36:55
SPEAKER_01: I want someone who's healthy for me.
36:57
SPEAKER_01: What a difference these two statements make.
37:00
SPEAKER_01: They're major differences.
37:04
SPEAKER_01: Instead of saying, um, at least somebody wants me, you say this instead.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: I want someone who's healthy for me.
37:12
SPEAKER_01: You hear that, guys?
37:14
SPEAKER_01: That is healthy for you.
37:18
SPEAKER_01: This yeah, the second statement says you're no longer dating from desperation, but being intentional about the type of partner you feel is right for you.
37:28
SPEAKER_01: And that's where healthy, healthier relationships begin.
37:33
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
37:33
SPEAKER_01: Now, here's a little chuckle.
37:35
SPEAKER_01: I'm not alone because no one wants me.
37:38
SPEAKER_01: I'm alone because I have total control of the remote.
37:42
SPEAKER_01: Hey, I like that.
37:44
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
37:46
SPEAKER_01: I I have total control of the remote.
37:49
SPEAKER_01: And you know, that's a cool you want in and out.
37:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's like a that's like a trophy.
37:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
37:54
SPEAKER_01: You know, that's now in closing.
37:58
SPEAKER_01: Okay, listeners, I have a I have a couple questions for you.
38:02
SPEAKER_01: One, are you looking for love or are you looking for someone to keep you from feeling lonely?
38:09
SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
38:10
SPEAKER_01: Are you looking for love or are you just looking for someone to keep you from being lonely?
38:16
SPEAKER_01: And here's the question to ask yourself.
38:18
SPEAKER_01: If you knew you could be happy on your own, that's if you're not already, would you make different choices in your dating life?
38:27
SPEAKER_01: Now think about those questions before choosing your next relationship.
38:32
SPEAKER_01: So, Professor, do you have any last thoughts?
38:35
SPEAKER_02: Be happy in yourself.
38:37
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
38:38
SPEAKER_02: Don't be afraid to go out and view the world in your eyes, not through someone else's.
38:45
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
38:47
SPEAKER_02: And don't be afraid to go and sit in a restaurant and people watch, look around you and learn.
38:56
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
38:57
SPEAKER_02: You'll be surprised in what you learn when you sit there and you look at other people and you go, Yeah.
39:03
SPEAKER_02: They don't even look at each other.
39:05
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
39:05
SPEAKER_02: I don't want that.
39:06
SPEAKER_02: Right.
39:07
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm happy by myself, you know.
39:09
SPEAKER_02: And if I want something, when I want, when I gotta find someone, that person's gotta be across from me with me, communicating with me.
39:19
SPEAKER_02: Right.
39:19
SPEAKER_02: So look at the world and be happy in who you are.
39:24
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
39:25
SPEAKER_02: Before you can give your happiness to somebody else.
39:28
SPEAKER_01: That's good.
39:28
SPEAKER_01: And here's what I want you to remember, listeners.
39:32
SPEAKER_01: Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely.
39:35
SPEAKER_01: Being single doesn't mean you're unwanted.
39:39
SPEAKER_01: Being alone doesn't mean you're incomplete.
39:43
SPEAKER_01: And being in a relationship doesn't automatically mean you're loved, understood, or emotionally connected.
39:52
SPEAKER_01: And if you're single right now, don't rush into a relationship just because you don't want to be alone.
39:58
SPEAKER_01: And if you're in a relationship but often feel lonely, don't ignore that feeling.
40:04
SPEAKER_01: What are your emotional needs telling you?
40:08
SPEAKER_01: And know this healthy relationships aren't built by two people desperately trying to avoid loneliness.
40:16
SPEAKER_01: Healthy relationships are built by two people who understand themselves, communicate honestly, and choose to share their lives with each other.
40:26
SPEAKER_01: You don't need someone just to feel an empty space.
40:30
SPEAKER_01: You need a relationship that brings connection, respect, consistency, and genuine love into a life that already has value.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: So this is important.
40:42
SPEAKER_01: Learn to enjoy your own company.
40:45
SPEAKER_01: Learn to trust yourself.
40:47
SPEAKER_01: Learn to be comfortable with being single.
40:50
SPEAKER_01: And most importantly, never, never, never choose the wrong relationship just because you don't want to be alone.
40:59
SPEAKER_01: Because being alone isn't the end of your story.
41:03
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's the season where you finally learn who you really are.
41:10
SPEAKER_01: And we want to thank all of you for joining us and allowing us to be part of your journey.
41:16
SPEAKER_01: Please give us a like, follow us, and download this episode.
41:21
SPEAKER_01: Also, share this podcast with someone who may benefit from hearing today's conversation.
41:26
SPEAKER_01: And you can find us at relationshipcoaching group.com, where you can email us if you have any questions, comments, or just want to learn about the services we offer.
41:36
SPEAKER_01: Also on our website, you can get to know a little more about us.
41:42
SPEAKER_01: And don't forget, the freebie.
41:45
SPEAKER_01: Yes, Professor, you wanna I'll do it.
41:47
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
41:49
SPEAKER_02: Guys, don't forget, we offer it used to be 30 minutes.
41:52
SPEAKER_02: We changed it to 60 minutes, free consultation.
41:55
SPEAKER_02: It's never that.
41:57
SPEAKER_02: We don't put a time anywhere.
41:58
SPEAKER_02: Or you want to talk for an hour, two hours with it, and listen, we're here for you.
42:02
SPEAKER_02: It's free.
42:03
SPEAKER_02: No charge to you.
42:05
SPEAKER_02: Secondly, uh, we have our meet and greets.
42:08
SPEAKER_02: Send us an email, let us know when you're interested, what you we'll give you the dates, we'll tell you where it's gonna be, and then you come and attend.
42:17
SPEAKER_02: Thank you guys to all the listeners.
42:20
SPEAKER_02: We we really love having you here and joining us.
42:24
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
42:25
SPEAKER_01: And remember this, listeners, last notes: being alone doesn't mean you're lonely, and being single doesn't mean you're waiting for your life to begin.
42:35
SPEAKER_01: Your life is already happening.
42:37
SPEAKER_01: Make it a life that you're proud to live with or without a plus one.
42:43
SPEAKER_01: And remember, you're not alone.
42:45
SPEAKER_01: Together, we got this.
42:48
SPEAKER_02: We got you.