Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / No-One Is Coming To Save You (Good)

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No-One Is Coming To Save You (Good) · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody is coming to save you.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I know not the usual opening and perhaps not the one you were expecting or hoping for, but stick with me here because the second part of that sentence or the title, the episode title is the part that really matters.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody is coming to save you, and that is genuinely, honestly, one of the best things I can tell you.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody is coming to save you, and that is a really good thing.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I mean.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: When we are in the middle of divorce, separation, or the slow unraveling of a relationship, there is a part of us that is waiting.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting maybe to feel more ready, waiting for the big emotions, the anger, the grief to pass, the grief to lift, waiting for the practical logistics to settle into some sort of routine and rhythm that feels like a bit normal.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe waiting for the kids to be older, maybe waiting for them to be okay, maybe waiting for it to not be somebody's birthday or special event.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe waiting for the money, the finances to make sense.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And some of those are real issues to be thinking about and considering, right?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are waiting for someone, a lawyer, a therapist, a friend, a new partner, or the universe to just come along and make it all okay, make it navigable, make it palatable, make it doable, make it feel like you can do this thing, make it okay.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And underneath all of that waiting, even some of the parts that we acknowledge are real issues to be waiting around for resolution on, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath all of that waiting is a story.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: A quiet but persistent story that goes something like when when things are better, I'll be able to move.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: When I feel stronger, I'll take that step.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: When someone shows me the way, I'll follow it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: When X happens, I will do Y.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to really talk about the story today.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we tell ourselves that particular version of story, the one day story, it is a story that keeps us held, it keeps us stuck, it keeps us smaller than we really are.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's protective, yes.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's our brain trying really hard to keep us safe inside the lines, inside our comfort zone.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a story that is also quietly outsourcing your agency.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: It is handing the wheel to someone or something else and trusting that they'll know better, know more, they'll know what's right, they'll know what's right for you.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: nobody does.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody actually does.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody knows better than you.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not me, not your lawyer, not your mum, not your best friend.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: No one knows better than you.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: You are the one who knows your life, your gut, your truth, and you are actually the driver of your own life, even when that scares the absolute shit out of you, even when it feels terrifying, even when you'd really rather someone else took the wheel for a bit.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I've been there, I know exactly how that feels.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Please, can somebody just take this wheel for a little while and drive for me?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Show me, tell me the way.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Show me the way, tell me the thing to do.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing about that is you're waiting to be rescued because that's what that story is, right?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's waiting for someone or something else to fix whatever it is that you want or need fixed.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's waiting to be saved, and that asks you to stay helpless, to stay in the maiden in distress, the victim character, right?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: It requires you to maintain a version of yourself that needs to be saved, that needs saving.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the longer you wait, the longer you sit in and live in that version of the story, the more that version of you, the one that needs to be saved, becomes the only one you feel you can access.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I've watched clients, I've watched women, I've watched people in my community wait, and I've done it myself, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting for someone to tell me it's okay, do the thing.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's leave, leave.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've watched people do that, I've watched clients do it, I've supported clients through the waiting, and I've watched myself do it.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting to feel sure, waiting to feel 100% certain, waiting to not be afraid, waiting for the fear to go away before I did the thing before I moved, right?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: But the fear doesn't go away before you move, it goes away because you move, and maybe it doesn't go away ever, or maybe it doesn't go away completely, but it shifts just a little when you move, and that's the hard, brutal, really inconvenient, annoying truth of it that fear will not go away.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Courage is not the absence of fear, and I know I've spoken about this on previous podcast episodes.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Courage is deciding that what's on the other side of the fear, what's on the other side of the scary thing, matters more to you than the feeling itself.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when I say nobody's coming to save you, I'm not saying you're all alone because you're absolutely not.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying you don't need support or cheerleaders or catchers.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You absolutely do.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So reach out for it, ask for it, build that sense of support, community, safety, build a team around you.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: What I am saying is that decision is yours.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: That move is yours, just like the life on the other side of whatever this is for you is yours.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody can want it for you, nobody can do it in your place, nobody can create it the way you can.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So the decision and the move is yours.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting, waiting for someone else to make the move, waiting for someone else to make the decision, waiting for someone else to show you the way or give you permission or say it's okay, that's not a strategy.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it is, it's probably just not a courageous strategy, right?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's more time spent in a life, in a version of life, somewhere that doesn't feel like it's fully yours.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that has its own kind of cost, and a cost that quietly, insidiously adds up.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean that it's not scary, right?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that there won't be hard parts to carry or things to navigate or move through that are challenging or perhaps you weren't expecting, or days when it all feels like too much.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: There absolutely will be, and this is not me glossing over the reality of what moving through fear asks of you.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing about it is, if nobody is coming to save you, if nobody can save you, nobody can truly take the wheel from you and drive you out of this, then equally true is that nobody can stop you either.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody gets to decide but you.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody gets to decide what's coming next, how this ends, what you're going to create on the other side of it, but you.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody gets to determine what you will build from here, and nobody gets to put a limit or a ceiling on what comes next for you.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's yours.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: All of it.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been waiting for the right moment, for the fear to pass, for someone else to make the first move or make the decision for you, for someone to show you the way, I want you to hear this.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: The person you've been waiting for is you.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not a future, better, more put together, more sorted version of you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: This one.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: The messy, not quite ready, perfectly imperfect, scared one.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: The one listening right now, maybe in the car or doing the dishes or trying to snag five minutes for yourself.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: That one.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: This one.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she doesn't actually need saving, she needs to decide that's what's on the other side, what's on the other side of the hard is worth it.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: That she is worth it.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if something in this episode feels even a little bit true for you, if you felt even a flicker of what I was talking about, that version of you that already knows, I invite you to join my mailing list where the good stuff lives.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to join.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're at the point where you think you're ready, or you're scared that you might be ready, or you're almost but not quite ready to actually do the hard thing, ready to stop waiting and start moving, but you don't want to do it by yourself, you don't want to do it alone, come and talk to me.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: There is nothing more that I love doing than supporting someone to decide what's next for them, what's coming next.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Properly decide for themselves and choose what's on the other side because they know they're worth it.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that could be you.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book a free intro call to chat with me when you're ready, even before you're ready.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Please share this with somebody that you know and care about who is waiting.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Go gently, but do actually go.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Move, do the thing.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.