Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #202 Happy Couples = Happy Families

Transcript

#202 Happy Couples = Happy Families · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, the way that men respond to the women in
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: their lives teaches their children how they should respond to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: the women in their lives.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: Gooday.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: about raising happy families. I'm here with my wife and
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: co host missus Happy Families. Who's looking a bit grumpy?
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: Why is that?
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: I hear myself. You're such a pain because I just
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: I couldn't help it.
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: You're being grumpy. You wanted to finish making the notes.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: We need to get this done, so I just thought
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  Speaker 3: i'd turn off your mics.
• 0:44
  Speaker 4: So impatient to do that.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: I won't do it again, I promise.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Hey, Valentine's Day is coming up. It's Sunday, and I've
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: always been a bit of a grinchy Valentine over the years,
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: but I've come to really love it because of the
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: big deal.
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: That you've made about it.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: And this is what I love about you is you're
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: so intentional about giving people great experiences, especially.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: Giving our children great experiences.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: But Valentine'sdae also ends up being a great experience for
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: us because of the effort you put in.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: So I'm a convert. I love it.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: And in today's podcast, we thought we'd talk about three
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: secrets to strengthening your relationship as a couple.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: Now, not everyone's in.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: A couple of relationships, so this won't be applicable to everybody.
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  Speaker 2: But I think even if you're not in a couple relationship, many,
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: though not all, of the things that will share will
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: also be directly applicable to your relationship with your children.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Oh.
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  Speaker 4: I think that everything we talk about today could be
• 1:38
  Speaker 4: not unless you've got a secret.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Ye, Not the intimacy stuff we're not going to oh no, no,
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: no, no no, but everything else pretty much. So what's your
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: what's your number one relationship secret? Your relationship hack for
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: making sure that we have a happy marriage.
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: Daily connection, It's imperative.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So let me define connection. This is the way
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Brene Brown defines it, and I've extended it from there
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: because I just love what she said. Connection is being seen, heard,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: and valued. And what I add to that is, just
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: like dollars are the currency of our economy, connection is
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: the currency of our relationship. So if people are not
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  Speaker 2: feeling seen, heard and valued in relationships, then the relationship
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: has no life in it. You're in the red, the
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: bank account is overdrawn, and you've got problems. It's all
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: about seeing, hearing, and valuing the other. So what kind
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  Speaker 2: of things do we do or do we see other
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: couples do that demonstrate that level of connection on a
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: day to day basis.
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: Well, I have to from the outset. I have to
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: say that you from day one have been just the
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  Speaker 4: boss when it comes to daily connection. It used to
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: drive me insane.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, I was sharing some of our connection tips
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: in a seminar one time for couples, and I mentioned
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: a couple of things that we are really intentional about
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: doing in this lady was like, oh, my goodness, I
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: could never be married to you.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: Just leave me alone for goodness sake, get off me.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: None that of it.
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  Speaker 4: So when we first got married, I didn't have a
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: job and we didn't have children, and I was at
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: home full time and you would ring me probably about
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: fifteen times a day.
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: Well, I was a radio announcer.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: I was sitting in a studio, I was listening to
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Bob Sieger's Old Time rock and roll for like the
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: five thousandth time, I didn't need to hear it, So
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  Speaker 2: I'd just give.
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  Speaker 3: Your bars and say, I'm sitting in the studio on
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: board what are up to?
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  Speaker 4: And I would have been halfway through a job, and
• 3:27
  Speaker 4: then I'd have to stop so I could talk to you,
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  Speaker 4: and you would just interrupt my entire flow.
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  Speaker 3: Sounds suffocating. I don't know why you've liked that.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: I didn't back then, but then as life obviously progressed,
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: and when more children came along, and your hours and
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: especially your time away as you started to travel more.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: Yes, I left radio and started traveling and doing the
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: work that I do now.
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  Speaker 4: Left me just wanting those conversations.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: Oh that feels good to hear. Let me say that.
• 3:56
  Speaker 4: So one of the things that I absolutely love is
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  Speaker 4: that each of us take the time throughout our day
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: to just connect, whether that be a phone call when
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: we've got a spare moment, or just leaving a message
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  Speaker 4: a text message. We just send little love hearts to
• 4:10
  Speaker 4: each other every now and again.
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  Speaker 2: Or do you remember the time that I opened up
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  Speaker 2: the fridge, pulled the butter out and wrote I love
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  Speaker 2: you in the butter and then put it back in
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  Speaker 2: so that when you pulled the butter out, you had
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  Speaker 2: a little message from me.
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  Speaker 3: You know, you don't remember. I thought that was the
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  Speaker 3: most romantic thing I'd ever done. Oh my god.
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  Speaker 4: But do you remember the time where I put little
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: notes love notes in your socks when you disappeared one
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  Speaker 4: day and went on a work trip.
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  Speaker 2: I do, I do, And that was such a treat
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  Speaker 2: when I got to the hotel and put my socks
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  Speaker 2: on the next morning, and I was like, oh, Kylie
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  Speaker 2: thought of me.
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  Speaker 3: So connection is critical.
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  Speaker 2: I remember picking up a hint from somebody else as well,
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: early in our marriage. I can't remember his first name.
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  Speaker 2: I think was David Swan lived in Rockhampton. I don't
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  Speaker 2: know if that was it was it David. So this
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: is going like twenty three years ago now. But David
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  Speaker 2: and his wife whose name.
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  Speaker 3: I can't remember, David and Barbara, look at you go.
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: They had this rule.
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  Speaker 2: It rule sounds a little bit too stern and serious,
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  Speaker 2: but they had this rule that whenever they walked past
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  Speaker 2: one another, they would touch.
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  Speaker 4: I did not know. You got it from them.
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  Speaker 3: That's where I got it from.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't make it up I'm not that clever, and
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  Speaker 2: so from that time, whenever I've walked past You've always
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: made sure that I squeeze your elbow or hold your hand,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: or squeeze your fingers or whatever it might be that
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  Speaker 2: I could squeeze, because it's just that moment of connection.
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  Speaker 2: It's like saying, I see you, I'm walking past you.
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  Speaker 2: I'm busy, I've got other stuff to do, but I'm
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  Speaker 2: noticing you because you matter. So connection pillow talk, conversations,
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  Speaker 2: touch messages, love notes, that kind of thing.
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think I love the way that we
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: come together at the end of the night and literally
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: just before the lamp goes out, we'll lie down on
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: our pillows and just kind of reconnect and have those
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: conversations that we haven't been able to have throughout the day.
• 5:54
  Speaker 4: And usually that last all of three second three seconds,
• 5:59
  Speaker 4: because Justin was a sleep, very very fast.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: What's your second idea?
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: Well, weekly date nights. This is something that we've actually
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: struggled with a lot over our marriage, because of time restraints,
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: because of children, because of a lack of babysitting options
• 6:16
  Speaker 4: available to us. But we have seen just how important
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  Speaker 4: it is for us to be able to spend that quality,
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  Speaker 4: uninterrupted time together, especially when you've got lots of children.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it compounds what we've we've had to be
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: creative over the years. We've either had no money or
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: we've had a lack of support, you know, in terms
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: of people being able to help with the children, and
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: sometimes it's just we're so exhausted.
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  Speaker 3: We've wanted what's the point in doing this? So some
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: of the creative things that we've done have been let.
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: Me just talk about that exhaustion. Because you took me
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: to a Billy Joel concert once, that's right, and I
• 6:49
  Speaker 4: was so exhausted that I actually fell asleep in a
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  Speaker 4: Billy Joel.
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  Speaker 3: Concept. It was a good concert, it was a brilliant concept.
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  Speaker 3: What you remember of it.
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  Speaker 2: In fairtas to you, you were heavily pregnant, I think
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  Speaker 2: at the time, and you were just pretty well exhausted.
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: Had we were sitting right next to the speaker. I
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  Speaker 4: don't know how I slept through word.
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  Speaker 2: But we've been creative in coming up with ways to
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  Speaker 2: date whereby when we had no support, we were friends
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: with another couple nearby and we said to them, Hey,
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  Speaker 2: next Friday, how about if we babysit your kids, so
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  Speaker 2: you guys go on a date, and then the following Friday,
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: you guys babysit our kids so that we can go
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  Speaker 2: on a date. And so you'd go over to their
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: place and look after their kids. Well, I'd put hours
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: to bed and they'd go out, and then the following
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: week Elena would come over to our place and look
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  Speaker 2: after our kids so you and I could go out.
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  Speaker 4: They were the good old days.
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  Speaker 3: We had nothing, We had no support. I mean, it
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  Speaker 3: was so hard.
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  Speaker 2: And yet by doing that, what we did was we
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  Speaker 2: created opportunities to be together, stress free, to just let
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  Speaker 2: go a little bit.
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  Speaker 4: And we also lifted another couple in the process because
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  Speaker 4: they would never have come up with that sort.
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  Speaker 3: They didn't have that support either, did they.
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: That's right, and so I loved that idea. But yeah,
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  Speaker 4: getting creative sometimes it might just be putting the kids
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: to bed a little bit earlier, shutting the door, and
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: spending some time together at home watching a movie or
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: you know, cooking a special dinner together. There are lots
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  Speaker 4: of things that you can do that don't require either
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: extra expenditure or taking us outside of our space when
• 8:17
  Speaker 4: that's not actually an option for us.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, when we were poor UNI students, we would have
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: dates at home. We'd pull out like some popcorn, not
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: the microwave popcorn that was too expensive, just that, you know,
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: the popcorn in the channels. We pop them on the
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: stove and then we'd sit down. We wouldn't even we
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: didn't have Netflix or anything. We might go down to
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: Blockbuster back in the day. Yes, we did hire a movie.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Although I would also say movies are not going to
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: be the best way to connect. It can be fun
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: to watch a movie. I'm not saying don't, but there
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: might be better ways to connect and spend high quality
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: time with your intimate partner, the person that you love.
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  Speaker 3: The most well.
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: I do believe you have one other tip for everybody,
• 8:53
  Speaker 4: but I think we might share that after the broak.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
• 8:59
  Speaker 4: For a happier fan, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at Happyfamilies dot
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: com dot au. I'm always looking for new ways to
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: stay connected with my children while giving them the opportunity
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: to have the same level of freedom I enjoyed when
• 9:14
  Speaker 4: I was their age.
• 9:15
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• 9:18
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• 9:21
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• 9:24
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• 9:28
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• 9:30
  Speaker 2: a text message to her watch.
• 9:32
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• 9:35
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• 9:39
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• 9:41
  Speaker 4: safe and secure device that let's kids be kids in
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: a modern world.
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: And that's why we love it.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: Available at major retailers and online at space talk watch
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: dot com.
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now. And today we've
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: been talking about three simple ways that we can make
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: relationships strong.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Valentine's Day's coming up on Sunday. We want you
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: to have strong couple relationships. The strength of the family
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: is rarely stronger than the strength of the couple, and
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: so we really want to help you to make your
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: relationships better.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: So take our message.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Number one, connect, Connect, Connect, do everything you can to
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: connect through touch, through messages, through whatever whatever you need
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: to do to connect. Number two Weekly Date Night, which
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: I'm looking forward to having a date night with you
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: this week. The week's running away way too fast, but
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: we've got to make sure that that happens. And the
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: last one that I want to share is especially for the.
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: Men I'm interested.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: And I haven't told you what this one is, but
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: you haven't, but this is without question. Research from John
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Gottman has highlighted that this is one of the most
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: powerful ways that a man can have a satisfying relationship,
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: a wonderful, delightful relationship with his intimate partner. And the
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: research says that men who take influence from their wives
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: have far more satisfying relationships than men who are less
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: open to their wives' opinions and ideas. And I don't
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: know if I've ever talked to you about this or not,
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: but when I read that research, probably ten or fifteen
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: years ago, I thought to myself, this may be one
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: of the most important things I will ever understand about
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: my marriage and about how to have a happy marriage.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: And from this point on, no matter what, I have
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: got to listen to my wife more.
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: Well, you have not told me that, but I have
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: noticed over the years so that you have been increasingly
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: more willing to listen.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: I'll take that as a compliment. I've been working on
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: this for a long time.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Believe me, when I was younger, I wasn't so keen
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: on listening to anybody.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: But that's what the research shows.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: Men who take influence from their wives significantly.
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: Happier in their relationships.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: I might also add that gotman's research also show that
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: they have higher levels of sexual satisfaction as well, just
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: putting that out there. Men, if you don't like what
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: I've said so far, that might change too, So listen
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: to your wives.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 2: What I also love about that, though, is the way
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: that men respond to the women in their lives teaches
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: their children how they should respond to the women in
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: their lives. And we live in a world where there
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: is a high level of awareness around what can often
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: be a status and power differential between men and women
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: that should not exist. And I think part of the
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: reason that that still does exist is because in homes,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: too many homes, there are not enough men who are
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: open to taking influence from their wives. And it's not
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: about it saying, well, you know, I wear the pants
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: or she wears the pants. That's not what it's about.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: It's about saying we're in a partnership. I don't make
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: the decisions, we make the decision. We're a team.
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: And I think that's the way that it should be.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: You've got one last idea about Valentine's Day, but it's
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: not actually related to making couples relationships happier. This is
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: just something that you wanted to share because you wanted
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: to share it.
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: Well, the reality is that a family is usually more
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: than just a couple.
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: Yes it is, and.
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: Valentine's has always been a out you know, your relationship
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: as a couple. But I decided that it was a
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: really important thing to include our children in the process.
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: And so this actually came about because we were having
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: baby number six and there were quite a few children
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: who were a little bit disgruntled about an extra addition
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: in the family, and so I decided that I needed
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: to make this year awesome. And so when Valentine's Day
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: came around, I decided that I was going to do
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: something super special for them, and so I packed them
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: their very first Valentine's lunch box.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: Right, this is the pink lunchbox.
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: Pink crimeber box. Everything in it was pink, and I
• 13:39
  Speaker 4: tried really hard to kind of give them healthy lunches
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: throughout the years. So when Valentine's Day comes around and
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: they get pink cupcakes and pink milk and strawberries, you know,
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: love heartcut sandwiches and you know, all of those yummy
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: little treats and they just love it and there's always
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: a little love note in there. And it has become
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: their apps solute favorite school lunch box.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: It is the highlight of their school year when it
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: comes to school lunches. Valentine's Day, you make a huge
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: effort and Valentine's Say, becomes special for them. They know
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: they've got a Valentine at home, or at least someone
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: who loves them, if not a romantic interest.
• 14:15
  Speaker 4: You know, they're a little bit disgruntled this year, don't
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: you know that? Well, Valentine's is on Sunday.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Sunday, no school. We can do a Valentine's lunch. We
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: can have pink cupcakes and sandwiches theave time.
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: We they have to celebrate Valentine's a day late. They
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: want a prospective.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: Well, you know what, we really hope that Valentine's Day
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: is a special day for you this year. If you're
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: not in a situation where it can be. We hope
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: that that changes for you in a positive way, or
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: that you're able to share a special Valentine's moment with
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: your kids in a way that works and feels authentic
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: and good for you. We also hope that these tips
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: to make your family happier have made a difference and
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: that your family will be stronger and better because of it.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Just thank you so much for listening to our podcast.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: We are so grateful for the significant increase of people
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: who have been listening lately, and we're delighted that it's
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: making a difference in your family. The podcast is produced
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Our executive producer is
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: Craig Cruse. And there's one more thing that I'd love
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: to mention. When you leave a rating and review of
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: the podcast, it helps other people to find out about
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: it and that helps other people's.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: Families to be happier.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: So wherever you listen, but especially on Apple Podcasts, we'd
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: be so grateful if you'd open the app, go into
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: the library, click on our podcast, and then just click
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: on the reviews bit where it says write a review.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: Your five star ratings and reviews make all the difference.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: For more information about making your family happier, please log
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: onto happy families dot com dot au check out the memberships.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: We'll do all that we can to help your family flourish.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Happy families dot com dot Au