Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / 159 | Why You Overspend When You’re Stressed and What to Do Instead

Transcript

159 | Why You Overspend When You’re Stressed and What to Do Instead · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

• 0:00
  Erin Gray: Have you ever clicked the buy button to calm your nerves or bought something just to feel a little relief?
• 0:08
  Erin Gray: I want you to know you're not the only woman that might be experiencing this.
• 0:12
  Erin Gray: In this episode, I'm going to be diving into the reasons why we emotionally spend, why it happens, what your body is actually trying to tell you.
• 0:22
  Erin Gray: And then I'm going to share some tools to help you support yourself and soothe your nervous system so that you can replace reaching for your credit card or that buy now button on Amazon with practices that truly nurture and regulate your nervous system.
• 0:37
  Erin Gray: So let's dive in.
• 0:38
  Erin Gray: So let's talk about why emotional spending happens.
• 0:42
  Erin Gray: I think we've all been there.
• 0:44
  Erin Gray: I think I used to do this with vacations.
• 0:47
  Erin Gray: I'm not really a clothes buyer, but I definitely have done this with vacations.
• 0:51
  Erin Gray: So emotional, and some people do this, some women do this with purses, some women do this with buying clothes or shopping for their kids.
• 0:58
  Erin Gray: So just like recognize where this might be or might resonate with you.
• 1:03
  Erin Gray: It's okay.
• 1:04
  Erin Gray: And the biggest thing I want you to get out of this is the awareness and then developing some tools and some skill sets to support you so that you aren't just emotionally spending.
• 1:14
  Erin Gray: So emotional spending, it's really typically not really about discipline.
• 1:19
  Erin Gray: It is really your nervous system is signaling to you some type of either emotional need or you're having some feelings that you're not willing to feel right now.
• 1:30
  Erin Gray: So maybe you're feeling stressed or you're feeling bored, or you're feeling sadness or overwhelm or guilt.
• 1:37
  Erin Gray: Like it could be a culmination of any of these feelings.
• 1:40
  Erin Gray: Think about like you could replace overspending with overeating or overwatching TV or some people do porn or, you know, like I was traveling to not too much, but I was using that as an escape.
• 1:54
  Erin Gray: So if you are having some feelings, some uncomfortable feelings in your body and you're not willing to feel those, we're going to want to, because we as biological beings, we want to seek pleasure and avoid pain.
• 2:09
  Erin Gray: So if you are feeling some of those lower vibration emotions and you want to escape those and you don't want to feel them and you aren't as practiced in feeling them, you're going to want to seek some pleasure.
• 2:24
  Erin Gray: And if shopping is something that gives you pleasure, then you're going to want to do that to avoid or to not feel.
• 2:30
  Erin Gray: So I think we always with anything, we either go towards a feeling or we're trying to move away from a feeling.
• 2:37
  Erin Gray: So I say we shop for a feeling or we shop to avoid a feeling.
• 2:41
  Erin Gray: And so you have to really be very clear on why I am shopping right now.
• 2:48
  Erin Gray: You know, buying something, if you're doing it from an emotional place, what I call not clean energy, meaning it wasn't pre-planned purchase.
• 2:57
  Erin Gray: It isn't something that you've been thinking about for some time that you definitely feel in your body you're trying to avoid something, then what we are doing is we are shopping to, you know, receive some type of dopamine hit or some type of relief.
• 3:13
  Erin Gray: And this this is a temporary fix.
• 3:16
  Erin Gray: It feels good in the moment, but it doesn't really fix it long term.
• 3:20
  Erin Gray: And so it doesn't really address these underlying feelings that we are feeling.
• 3:25
  Erin Gray: So whether it be shopping, whether it be overworking, like for me, I was an overworker, hoarded my money, or I would use travel to escape.
• 3:35
  Erin Gray: So some people watch TV or they drink.
• 3:39
  Erin Gray: It's all what my coach, one of my coaches used to call it is buffering.
• 3:43
  Erin Gray: We are all choosing to do things because we aren't willing to feel the uncomfortable emotions that we are feeling in our bodies at that time.
• 3:51
  Erin Gray: So we're avoiding a feeling.
• 3:52
  Erin Gray: And so the goal is to develop other supportive practices that will actually give you the dopamine hit in a healthier way.
• 4:02
  Erin Gray: And I want to say this it is not to do that before you've actually worked through the reasons why you're emotionally spending.
• 4:11
  Erin Gray: Because I think if you just replace like a healthier dopamine hit with something that you, let's say, overspending or emotionally spending, you really aren't really getting down to the root cause, right?
• 4:23
  Erin Gray: Like you're still trying to get the dopamine hit, which ultimately you're actually not feeling your feelings.
• 4:29
  Erin Gray: So what this actually might look like is maybe you are purchasing something after what you might feel in air quotes is like, I've had a hard day, or I deserve it, or I've worked really hard for this, or maybe you've been in an argument, or maybe you've looked at your books, or you just had a meeting with your CPA and you're feeling some of these uncomfortable emotions, these lower vibration emotions.
• 4:55
  Erin Gray: And so you're trying to escape and you're trying to feel a little bit of a higher vibration, which I mean, hello, we all want to feel that, right?
• 5:03
  Erin Gray: But when we are wanting to feel that higher vibration emotion, like that dopamine and that joy and that fun, we aren't really allowing ourselves to get to the root cause and see, oh, I'm feeling guilt because I am having a story around what my numbers should be.
• 5:22
  Erin Gray: Oh, this is really about my worthiness.
• 5:26
  Erin Gray: Do you see how, like, when we just go to the thing to fix us, we don't give ourselves the space, the time, the grace to really get to the root of what's actually going on here?
• 5:37
  Erin Gray: Because then we're gonna just continue and to repeat these cycles.
• 5:41
  Erin Gray: So you might make a purchase because you feel, you know, you're trying to avoid a feeling.
• 5:47
  Erin Gray: Then you might actually feel more shame or more regret or more guilt afterwards, because now you've spent more money and then you feel it's just kind of like if someone overeats, right?
• 5:58
  Erin Gray: Like, and I've done this too, you're not feeling good.
• 6:01
  Erin Gray: You go in the pantry, you eat something, in the moment it gives you that quick dopamine hit.
• 6:05
  Erin Gray: But then afterwards, you're like, oh man, I shouldn't have done that.
• 6:08
  Erin Gray: Why did I do that?
• 6:09
  Erin Gray: And then like you pile on more of those lower vibration emotions.
• 6:12
  Erin Gray: And so if you are trying to buy things or you are buying things to distract yourself, or even if to celebrate, like sometimes people, which I've done this too, you know, we're using money to give us a feeling, like it's not money's job to make us feel anyway.
• 6:29
  Erin Gray: Like that's not that's not money's job.
• 6:31
  Erin Gray: That's our job.
• 6:32
  Erin Gray: And so if we're trying to celebrate something, or we're trying to distract ourselves, or we're trying to self-soothe by emotionally spending, we're not actually doing the work that we need to be doing within ourselves.
• 6:44
  Erin Gray: So the deeper, if you think about the deeper needs of actually spending is you are seeking some sort of feeling.
• 6:52
  Erin Gray: So maybe you are trying to ultimately feel safe, or maybe you're trying to feel good about yourself, you know.
• 7:00
  Erin Gray: If you have a belief that, you know, if my revenue isn't at X, then I am X, you know, not a good person, doing it wrong, whatever.
• 7:12
  Erin Gray: And then there's emotions like shame and guilt attached to that, then what you are wanting is you're wanting to feel different, which this is normal.
• 7:22
  Erin Gray: This is part of the human experience, but we don't want to do anything externally and it doesn't work, right?
• 7:30
  Erin Gray: We can't do anything externally to make us feel a certain way.
• 7:33
  Erin Gray: So we've got to pause.
• 7:35
  Erin Gray: We have to ask ourselves, what am I trying to feel in this moment?
• 7:37
  Erin Gray: Or first off, back up and ask, what am I actually feeling in this moment?
• 7:41
  Erin Gray: I'm feeling guilt.
• 7:42
  Erin Gray: Why am I feeling guilt?
• 7:43
  Erin Gray: It's typically there's going to be a thought there.
• 7:45
  Erin Gray: There's also many thoughts, there's going to be a belief there.
• 7:48
  Erin Gray: And so recognizing what is this, what is this belief system that I have, because that's what you're wanting to ultimately change.
• 7:56
  Erin Gray: So underneath this, if you are seeking some type of connection or you're seeking some type of comfort or safety or self-validation, that is all the things that we need to be giving to ourselves regardless of whether we're purchasing or not.
• 8:12
  Erin Gray: Right.
• 8:12
  Erin Gray: This is this is some of that deep inner work that I talk about of like, this isn't what we do.
• 8:19
  Erin Gray: Like, money is never going to make us feel this way.
• 8:22
  Erin Gray: Buying something is never going to make us feel this way.
• 8:24
  Erin Gray: Eating something isn't ever going to make us feel this way.
• 8:27
  Erin Gray: This is the stuff that we have to do for ourselves because we love ourselves, because we want the best for ourselves, because we deserve to live the best life that we want.
• 8:37
  Erin Gray: We've got to give ourselves that comfort, that safety, that connection, that self-validation.
• 8:42
  Erin Gray: And so I always encourage clients and also you is to slow down, to ask yourself, what am I feeling in this moment?
• 8:50
  Erin Gray: And recognizing what are those emotions.
• 8:53
  Erin Gray: And if you can pause, like I like to put a 24-hour spending on my kid, because it makes her slow down.
• 9:01
  Erin Gray: Because when you are in that emotional brain, when you are just acting from a very reactionary place, you're not able to give yourself the time and the space to kind of analyze some things.
• 9:12
  Erin Gray: And I know I do talk about making purchases from, you know, your intuition in a gut, but intuition in your gut is solid.
• 9:19
  Erin Gray: It's neutral.
• 9:20
  Erin Gray: It isn't emotional.
• 9:21
  Erin Gray: So I want to be very clear here.
• 9:23
  Erin Gray: When you're making intuitive moves, they aren't emotional moves.
• 9:28
  Erin Gray: They're very neutral, grounded, calm, peaceful moves.
• 9:33
  Erin Gray: So maybe setting a time, when I say a timer, like a 24-hour, you know, boundary for yourself of where you're not going to purchase anything.
• 9:43
  Erin Gray: Like when you're recognizing, and like I say with everything, you know, awareness a lot of times happens after the fact.
• 9:49
  Erin Gray: So you might have already purchased it and then you recognize what you did.
• 9:53
  Erin Gray: But the next time you're like sitting at your computer and you see that you're about to purchase it and you're like, hang on a second, what am I feeling right now?
• 10:00
  Erin Gray: And then what will happen is eventually you'll get to before.
• 10:04
  Erin Gray: You'll be like, I'm feeling something.
• 10:05
  Erin Gray: I'm noticing the urge that I want to go buy something.
• 10:08
  Erin Gray: What am I feeling right now?
• 10:09
  Erin Gray: So do you see how the progression of awareness happens?
• 10:12
  Erin Gray: It backs up until when you get to before it is actually happening.
• 10:17
  Erin Gray: So some tools or some skills that you can develop is you always have your breath.
• 10:22
  Erin Gray: Like, what are you feeling?
• 10:24
  Erin Gray: What are you like allowing yourself, you know, to get out of that sympathetic state, get into that parasympathetic, rest and digest.
• 10:32
  Erin Gray: Exhale longer than you're inhaling.
• 10:35
  Erin Gray: So if you inhale for four seconds, exhale for six or eight.
• 10:38
  Erin Gray: Do that a couple of times.
• 10:40
  Erin Gray: Notice how you're feeling in your body, doing some grounding work, right?
• 10:44
  Erin Gray: You can go out in the grass, you can go out in nature, you can just sit here at your desk and you can just feel your breath.
• 10:50
  Erin Gray: Also, like I mentioned, allowing some type of like boundary, 24 hours.
• 10:55
  Erin Gray: Like it's gonna be there when you get back.
• 10:56
  Erin Gray: Right?
• 10:57
  Erin Gray: The the thing that you're wanting to buy.
• 10:59
  Erin Gray: It'll be there tomorrow.
• 11:00
  Erin Gray: What do I need to take care of?
• 11:01
  Erin Gray: Like your nervous system and you, your body, your mind, your spirit are more important right now than purchasing something.
• 11:08
  Erin Gray: Stop the cycle.
• 11:10
  Erin Gray: Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now?
• 11:12
  Erin Gray: Breathe, you know.
• 11:14
  Erin Gray: What am I needing in this moment?
• 11:16
  Erin Gray: It's probably not gonna be what you're wanting to purchase.
• 11:20
  Erin Gray: You know, your your brain's gonna tell you that, your ego, your ego mind is gonna say that.
• 11:24
  Erin Gray: But really, probably what you need is nervous system support, comfort, love, connection, validation, you know, an at a girl of like, hey, you're doing the best that you can right now.
• 11:34
  Erin Gray: I know that it feels really difficult, but I'm here for you.
• 11:37
  Erin Gray: You might need some reparenting.
• 11:39
  Erin Gray: Like, that's what you're gonna need more than purchasing something.
• 11:41
  Erin Gray: And then obviously, like everything I say is like, what type of somatic work can you do?
• 11:46
  Erin Gray: Maybe it's just journaling.
• 11:48
  Erin Gray: Like, I'm really feeling the urge right now to purchase this.
• 11:51
  Erin Gray: And that's because I am feeling a lot of guilt or shame around my numbers or how my business went today or whatever.
• 11:57
  Erin Gray: Journal it out.
• 11:58
  Erin Gray: You know, I've talked about EFT tapping, I've talked about emotional release therapy, you know, go for a walk, move some of that energy, work out, move your body, be in nature, like get out of your office and go be in nature.
• 12:11
  Erin Gray: You know, sometimes also just sitting there with the feelings, that's also really powerful too.
• 12:17
  Erin Gray: Like you really get to command and have command over the feelings.
• 12:22
  Erin Gray: Like your feelings are not you.
• 12:24
  Erin Gray: You are not your feelings.
• 12:26
  Erin Gray: You are the observer of your feelings.
• 12:28
  Erin Gray: So maybe it's just, you know, as you go for a walk, like what am I feeling in this moment?
• 12:32
  Erin Gray: And really just being with your body, giving yourself some time to sink into and recognize what's coming up here.
• 12:40
  Erin Gray: And I think if you really want to take this an extra step deeper, is like, what does the little child within me need in this moment?
• 12:46
  Erin Gray: Like, that's really what we're getting at here.
• 12:49
  Erin Gray: Like the reparenting.
• 12:50
  Erin Gray: What does the little girl, what is like if this was me, what does little Aaron need in this moment?
• 12:55
  Erin Gray: More often than not, it always comes back to she needs to feel more love.
• 12:59
  Erin Gray: She needs to feel and be loved.
• 13:02
  Erin Gray: She needs support, she needs to say, you know what, it's okay.
• 13:05
  Erin Gray: We're gonna get through this together.
• 13:07
  Erin Gray: I'm here for you.
• 13:08
  Erin Gray: I love you.
• 13:09
  Erin Gray: It's okay.
• 13:10
  Erin Gray: Like, what do you what does your little girl or your little boy need?
• 13:14
  Erin Gray: And then if you're like, I still want to purchase this after you've waited the 24 hours, okay.
• 13:20
  Erin Gray: But then it comes from a very empowered place.
• 13:23
  Erin Gray: It doesn't come from a reactionary place.
• 13:25
  Erin Gray: So I want to leave you with just a couple of mindset shifts to think about and things to ponder before we leave.
• 13:34
  Erin Gray: A lot of people make purchases from an emotional place.
• 13:37
  Erin Gray: The first and most important step, right, is awareness.
• 13:41
  Erin Gray: I've done it, clients have done it, friends have done it.
• 13:45
  Erin Gray: Like we've all done it.
• 13:46
  Erin Gray: We all have been taught to go seek something externally, you know, to have us try to feel a feeling or avoid a feeling.
• 13:54
  Erin Gray: It's not a problem.
• 13:56
  Erin Gray: Like you're not the only one that has that is experiencing this or has experienced this or will experience this.
• 14:02
  Erin Gray: But the important thing here is to always stop and ask myself, what am I feeling in this moment?
• 14:06
  Erin Gray: I also think you need to treat money very intentional, like an intentional tool.
• 14:11
  Erin Gray: It is a tool.
• 14:12
  Erin Gray: It is not here to be your support service animal, you know.
• 14:17
  Erin Gray: You see those?
• 14:18
  Erin Gray: Like it's not here to prop you up.
• 14:22
  Erin Gray: Like money is to be used.
• 14:24
  Erin Gray: It is your responsibility to generate the emotions within you and to use money and to use it for planned purchases, not for some type of safety or escape.
• 14:35
  Erin Gray: Okay, so let me give you a couple of things to think about.
• 14:38
  Erin Gray: One, you're not the only person that has ever bought something from an emotional place.
• 14:44
  Erin Gray: I have clients have, I'm sure everyone has bought from an emotional place.
• 14:49
  Erin Gray: It's not a problem.
• 14:50
  Erin Gray: You're not a bad person.
• 14:51
  Erin Gray: It makes you human.
• 14:52
  Erin Gray: So give yourself a little bit of a break if you're beating yourself up right now.
• 14:56
  Erin Gray: Also, I think it's really important to treat money as a tool.
• 15:02
  Erin Gray: It isn't something that is there for you to create safety for you or an escape or to give you either a high or a low feeling.
• 15:13
  Erin Gray: So just be aware of when you're expecting money to do that for you.
• 15:16
  Erin Gray: And I think also too, is that over time, the goal is for us to meet our own emotional needs, right?
• 15:25
  Erin Gray: And that always starts with what am I thinking?
• 15:30
  Erin Gray: What am I feeling?
• 15:31
  Erin Gray: What am I needing in this moment?
• 15:33
  Erin Gray: What would I love?
• 15:34
  Erin Gray: What am I choosing to, you know, avoid right now?
• 15:39
  Erin Gray: Like just start to ask yourself questions to get more clarity as to what you were thinking and feeling.
• 15:47
  Erin Gray: And then you're going to be able to get to some of these deeper belief systems, which that's where, like, that's where the real good stuff lies, because it's in those belief systems that we actually create new belief systems, right?
• 15:59
  Erin Gray: So if you have a belief that I'm a bad person because my numbers are like this, the real belief is I equate something externally to how I am a good or bad person versus I'm inherently good and worthy because I am here on this planet.
• 16:16
  Erin Gray: Do you see the difference in belief systems?
• 16:19
  Erin Gray: So start there, ponder this.
• 16:21
  Erin Gray: If this is you, not a problem.
• 16:24
  Erin Gray: Recognize it and then put some boundaries up for yourself.
• 16:28
  Erin Gray: Like, what am I willing to do?
• 16:29
  Erin Gray: Am I willing to pause my purchases?
• 16:32
  Erin Gray: Am I willing to tap into my body when I'm feeling some of this lower vibration emotions?
• 16:37
  Erin Gray: Am I willing to start asking myself some questions?
• 16:40
  Erin Gray: I'll leave you with that.
• 16:41
  Erin Gray: And until next time, I'll see you in the next episode.