Latest / DISGRACELAND / Lil’ Peep (Rewind): A new hip-hop and emo fusion; trap beats, tender lyrics, too much Xanax and an overdose that’s still mysterious.

Transcript

Lil’ Peep (Rewind): A new hip-hop and emo fusion; trap beats, tender lyrics, too much Xanax and an overdose that’s still mysterious. · DISGRACELAND

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Alright guys, welcome into another Rewind episode of Disgraceland. This
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: one is on Lil Peep. I don't think we've ever
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: rewound this one. It was released way back in 2021.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: March 9th, 2021. Titled Lil Peep, a new hip-hop and
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: emo fusion. Trap beats, tender lyrics, too much Xanax, and
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: a still mysterious overdose. The circumstances around Lil Peep's death
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: are dark, disturbing, and yes, a little mysterious as well.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Lil Peep hasn't really been in the news. His passing, again,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: five years ago now, going on six. And you know,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: an artist that, what I identified with Lil Peep was
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: his connection to emo music, because I'm obviously connected to
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: emo in some ways. More that second generation emo from
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: the 1990s, not so much the 2000s, 2010s emo. But
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: this gave us an opportunity in telling Lil Peep's story
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: to sort of get into the origins of that genre
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: of music. Something I was really into at the time
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: and happy to bring to you guys. This is a
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: crazy story. What an artist, what an individual, gone way
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: too soon. I hope you guys enjoy this. Hit me up, 617-906-6638.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Voicemail and text after you hear it and let me
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: know what you think.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: All right, here we go. Lil Peep.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Disgraceland is a production of Double Elvis. The stories about
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Lil Peep are insane. He died at the age of 21,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: the victim of an overdose that's still mysterious. He sometimes
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: suffered from crippling anxiety and depression, but bared his soul
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: on stage and online to millions of fans who felt
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: a deep, empathetic connection to him. He self-medicated daily with
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: a pharmacy-sized array of street-procured prescription meds and illicit drugs.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: He was a once-in-a-generation type voice, poised to become one
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: of the mainstream's biggest success stories, but whose life was
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: senselessly cut short. And of course, he made great music.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Unlike that music you heard at the top of the show,
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: that wasn't great music. That was a preset loop from
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: my Mellotron called Coke Straw Sazzo MK1. I played you
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: that loop because I can't afford the rights to Rockstar
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: by Post Malone. And why would I play you that
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: specific slice of savage nudie suit cheese, could I afford it?
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: Because that was the number one song in America on
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: November 15th, 2017. And that was the day Lil Peep
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: made his final Instagram post. An eerie post filled with
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: anxiety and depression and foreshadowing his death that would come
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: only a few short hours later. On this episode, crippling anxiety,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: DIY emo grime, too much Xanax, and Lil Peep.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgrace.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Given how close it was to showtime, some friends grabbed
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: video of him passed out in the back of the
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: tour bus for their Insta stories as a joke. Little
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: did the friends know, Lil Peep wasn't passed out.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: He was dead.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: The news was hard to contain. From Peep's road crew
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: to friends and show openers, various members of Gothboy Click,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: to fans packed inside the Rock Nightclub in Tucson, Arizona,
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: impatiently awaiting for their beloved Lil Peep to hit the stage.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: But nobody wanted to admit to themselves or to the
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: fans that it was real. Gothboy Click group member Horsehead
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: went on stage, likely he was in shock, and performed
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: a couple songs to keep the restless fans entertained. But
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: the energy was getting rowdy, frustrated, and footage of the
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: unconscious peep on his tour bus was already making the
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: rounds on social media. People began to wander outside to
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: see what was really going on. Inside the tour bus,
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Peep's tour manager was on the phone with 911 while
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: members of the row crew lay Peep out on the
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: ground and administered CPR. Nothing. Through the windows, they could
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: see the crowd gathering, holding up phones, desperate to get
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: a glimpse inside. The dispatcher on the 911 call insisted
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: the EMTs were on their way. Outside, waves of fans
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: crushed up against the sides of the bus. The bus
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: began to rock, and then the paramedics arrived, the lights,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: the sirens on full blast. They added to the growing
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: chaos of the scene by forcing their way through the
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: agitated crowd gathered outside the bus. The arrival of the
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: paramedics and their ambulance made it real. Fans started crying, wailing,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: people yelled, people talked shit, fights broke out, quick flash
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: street brawls that no one bothered to break up. The
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: paramedics reached the door to the bus, climbed up inside.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Not too long after, out came Lil' Pete.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: On his back, on a gurney. And the crowd lost
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: their shit. Pandemonium.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: They rocked the bus some more. They trashed the parking lot,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: raged in the streets. Their boy was dead. Lil Peep's
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: connection with fans, his very real empathy as an artist,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: combined with his undeniable charisma and talent, proved that it
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: was not just music journalism hyperbole to say that he
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: was on his way to becoming his generation's Kurt Cobain.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: He truly was. From a young age in Long Beach,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: New York, Lil Peep, born Gustav Elijah R., was obsessed
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: with music. He wasn't like most kids. Despite his obvious
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: good looks and easygoing nature, he did not fit in.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: So he turned inward. He got lost in the music.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: Pop punk, Blink-182, Green Day, Good Charlotte, Emo, Mineral, and Jawbreaker.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Classics like Oasis, Nirvana, The Beatles, and of course, hip-hop. Kanye, Kanye,
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: and more Kanye. It all sounded great, especially stoned. Everything
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: sounded better while high. The beats were better, the screams
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: more guttural, and the melodies, even from the most melancholic
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: emo troubadours, were somehow even more sad. I always hated
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: the term emo, as in emo music, because, well, all
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: music is emo, right? Isn't all music emotional? To me,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Slayer is just as emotional as Sunny Day Real Estate.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: It's just clearly a different type of emotion being expressed.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: But regardless, the term emo took root as an easy
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: way for hardcore kids to describe a particular type of
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: hardcore music that sprung from Washington, D.C., with Ian McKay's
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: post-minor threat pre-Fugazi outfit Embrace and future Fugazi member Guy
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Pachado's band Rites of Spring. After those bands, a younger
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: crop of hardcore kids traded in their Jordans and Champion
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: sweatshirts for Chuck Taylors and Argyle sweaters, augmented their power
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: chords with fifth notes, and started singing about.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Girls. As my six-year-old would say. Ew.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Singing about girls any time after, gee, I don't know,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: the year 1855 doesn't sound like anything groundbreaking, but trust me,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: in Cambridge, Massachusetts, upstairs at the Middle East in 1996,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: in the middle of what had become somewhat of a
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: closed-minded scene, the hardcore scene, singing about love, be it lost, found, whatever,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: it was damn near revolutionary. I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Bands like J.June, Texas is the Reason, Piebald, Promise Ring,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: and Rye Coalition were building off of what Embrace and
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Rites of Spring had started a decade earlier and laying
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: the groundwork for the coming 2000s emo explosion with bands
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: like Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, and Panic at the
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Disco actually conquering mainstream charts. Which was how emo found
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: its way to Lil Peep in suburban New York. As
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: a young, alienated son of divorced parents, he was taken
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: by it. And as emo was a close cousin of hardcore,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: it was imbued with the same DIY spirit, and this
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: spirit was not lost on Lil Peep in 2014. But
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: instead of Kinko's copied fanzines and mail-order distro networks, Lil
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: Peep used the tools available to him and began uploading
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: the tracks he was breaking off in his childhood bedroom
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: to SoundCloud and promoting them on Instagram. An audience quickly developed.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: The music he created made his new fans feel less alone,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: just as the act of making the music made Peep
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: feel like less of a small-town freak. It was a
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: genuine connection, a strong bond that helped him cope with
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: the world outside his bedroom walls and with his own anxiety.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: The morning ritual wrenched his nerves. Peep's teenage alienation, his
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: low self-esteem, his extreme anxiety about what his fellow students
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: and what his teachers thought of him was... So intense
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: that most mornings before school, he'd find himself in his
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: bathroom vomiting violently. The weed helped. It calmed him down.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: And so did the Xanax, and of course, so did
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: the music. But no amount of self-medicating and sad melodies
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: could really curb the anxiety. If Pete was going to
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: truly deal, he needed an outer shell.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: A strong sense of self. Armor.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: So he got a face tattoo. At the age of 17.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: a broken heart underneath his left eye.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: It was official. as if it wasn't before.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: To most of his teachers, to most locals in Long Beach,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: New York, Gus R., who is now going by the
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: hip-hop name Lil Peep, was lost to them. And for
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: Lil Peep, with a growing online fan base for his
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: unique meld of hip-hop and emo, it was clear as day.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: At the age of 17, it was time for him
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: to get lost, to head west, manifest destiny. It was
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: a depressed section of Tucson, but in this particular neighborhood,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: residents still.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Had their pride.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: The rumors about what went on in that house were unsettling.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: At first, it was believed that it was an illegal
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: tattoo parlor, but after.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Time, a darker rumor set in.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Kids and transient-looking young adults didn't spend the only money
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: they had on body ache. These visitors to the house
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: looked desperate, not to mention haggard beyond compare.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: And that smell, what's up with that smell?
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: It bled out of the house at night, and by morning,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: the whole street was covered in that rotting chemical stench,
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: like someone took the worst parts of a hospital smell
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: and tried dousing it in vinegar. The trash was piling
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: up outside. The windows were blackened mostly with dark curtains.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Some were even painted black. It had been months since
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: the house's owners had been seen, but still, visitors came
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: and went at all hours. Someone called the cops, and
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: the cops were not stupid. They rolled up with the
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: fire department It was late, past midnight, early morning hours.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: As the first cruiser made its way down the street,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: a young man in the front yard on his cell
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: phone took note and then sprinted into the house. The
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: cop floored it. Through the house's front yard window, what
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: little light was visible through the crack in the curtain
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: quickly went out. That first cop on the scene slowly
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: got out of his cruiser. The smell was overpowering. He
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: wondered where the hell the fire department He took his
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: binoculars and peered through them.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Across the front yard, trying to steal a glimpse into
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: the house. Blackness.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: He could neither see nor hear anything. There was only
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: that smell. If fear had a scent, this was it. There,
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: through the crack in the window, he spied a small
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: flash of light, and then.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: The CDC estimates that there are over 1,000 meth lab-related
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: quote-unquote incidents per year. Incidents ranging in intensity from full-on
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: explosions like this one to milder events where a crazed
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: meth head gets sloppy and merely lights his face on fire.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: This explosion was big, but not completely destructive. The house
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: was salvaged, structurally at least. It would require extensive renovations
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: for it to be truly inhabitable again, but the squatters
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: didn't care. so long as the four walls and ceiling
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: were there and the windows could be boarded up at least.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: So after a while, they moved in. The squatters weren't
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: your typical homeless. They were young kids, teenagers, and young adults.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: Not at all hippies, but living off the grid in
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: their own way. At one time, they would have been
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: referred to as crosspunks, but in 2016, that moniker wouldn't do.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: These kids weren't motivated by blast beats and revolutionary politics.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: For them, it was trap beats and sad sing-alongs, not
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: to mention drugs. Not meth, per se, but weed, coke, Xanax, perks, ecstasy,
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: most pharmaceuticals you can name. And their sense of fashion
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: was similar to Krust Punk's, though. Tight, ripped jeans and t-shirts,
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: handmade patches, safety pinned on everywhere, tattered plaids with suspenders, leathers, denim,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: all dirty, filthy actually, tattered, dyed hair, dreads, shaved heads,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: and of course.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Face tattoos.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: The mangy pitbull on a rope as an accessory was
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: replaced by the odd piece of ostentatious jewelry, procured God
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: knows how, likely via theft or by preying on mommy
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and daddy's generosity and better judgment. A not-so-subtle nod to
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: their love of hip-hop. Lil Peep had found his people.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: The blown-out husk of a meth house had no stage.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: He performed in the middle of the crowd, and they
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: danced on the dirt floor, piled layers of band stickers
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: on the scorched walls. And when Peep performed his latest track,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: Beamer Boy, which had just dropped, everybody sang along, all
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: around him, drowning out the site's shitty little P.A., And
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: these kids, this new generation of punk-slash-emo-slash-hip-hop-style kids, had coalesced
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: through this new hybrid of music they loved, and they
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: were all united among the meth house ruins by him,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: by his music. The experience in Tucson compelled Lil Peep.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: Further west, an L.A. rapper named Jay Green was at
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: the show. Peep had already met him over the internet.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: On an invite to collaborate with him, Peep set out
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: for Los Angeles. The collaboration with Jay Green called Schema
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: Posse lasted a few months, but Pete bounced around LA,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: left the group, and wound up crashing in a barren
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: loft in downtown LA's Skid Row. The loft was a
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: squalid warehouse space with a rotating crew of squatters crashing
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: on couches and floors, beds for the regulars stashed in corners.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: Tense cities reeking of human piss and shit stretched down
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: the strip in both directions right outside the door. And
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to the folks back home who remembered him as Gus...
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Lil Peep may as well have been homeless. But inside
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: the loft, it was a creative hothouse, a sardine can
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: of artists collaborating on track after track, performing shows in
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: the warehouse, going all the time and going hard. These
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: were Peep's people too, so much like the kids.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: At the Tucson show.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Even as he was blowing up as a solo act,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Peep joined up with a group of like-minded rappers and producers,
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: a hive known as Goth Boy Click. Together, they formed
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: a Wu-Tang Clan type of collective for the SoundCloud age. Coldheart, Doves, Fishnark, Horsehead,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: JP Dream Thug, Lil Tracy, Mac Ned, Wiccaface, Springs Eternal, Yawns,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: and Lil Peep. Lil Peep's mixtape, Crybaby, featuring Gothboy Click,
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: or the GBC as it.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: Was called, was blowing up.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: SoundCloud rap had officially made an end run around the
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: traditional record industry. fueling constant underground collaboration and single releases
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: from young emerging artists non-stop. The industry was racing to
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: catch up, and Peep was getting legit management and label interests.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Gothboy Click was drafting in his wake. But the reek
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: of the human waste from the windows never let up.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Everyone in the loft shared a bathroom.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: The inability to find a moment's peace and quiet to
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: himself in the creative hive built up the pressure. He
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: felt like he was being pulled in two directions at once,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: into outer space and stardom and crashing hard down to Earth.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Alone at night on his mattress in the corner, listening
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: to bombs fight outside, Peep read letters from his grandpa,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: who he called Packack. Packack had always been his real
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: father figure, not like his birth dad, who abandoned him
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: during junior high, right when any boy enters his hard years.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Packack was a warm soul and a man of letters,
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: and when he wrote to Peep, it brought him strength
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: and comfort. But Peep didn't know what to do now.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Packack and his mother had always raised Peep to believe
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: deeply in equality and respect for all people. And in
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: his own way, Peep was trying to honor those values
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: with his lifestyle and creative choices, living communally and sticking
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: with Goth Boy Click even as his own stardom eclipsed them.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: But Peep had new managers in his ear, telling him
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: he should strike out on his own. He wondered if
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: he'd still be forced to wake up to the smell
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: of human shit if he struck out on his own.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Everything was muddled, everything was happening way too fast, but somehow,
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: not fast enough. Torn between loyalty to his underground friends
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: versus reaching his creative and financial potential, Peep would go nocturnal,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: rip bowl after bowl of weed, pop Xannies, and sit
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: with a pit of insecurity and anxiety in his gut.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: He felt guilty at the thought of letting anyone down.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Some people swear by the healing power of getting tattooed,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: and I'm one of them. Despite the discomfort, getting tattooed
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: can be oddly soothing. There's something that happens after you
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: settle into the pain of a gazillion tiny needles piercing
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: into your skin. That pain, that sound, your body's pain-killing
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: endorphins barreling through your bloodstream and attack. You feel, in
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: a word, high. But in the best possible way, chilled out,
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: without the chemical mindfuck or physical sickness. There is, of course,
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: an emotional aspect to getting tattooed as well. It goes
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: without saying, but is worth mentioning, that for centuries, tattoos
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: have marked significant moments in their beholders' lives. Emotional inflection points,
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: deaths to get over, births to celebrate, drunken nights in Tijuana.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: You get the point. Lil Peep was.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: 20 miles north of Tijuana at the moment, in San Diego,
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: in a cop's garage. The cop was tattooing Peep, illegally,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: again on his face. If the broken heart tattoo he
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: had inked on his mug three years ago didn't do
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: the trick, then this one definitely would.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: It was huge.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: It cut across the entire right side of his upper face,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: in cursive, the word, crybaby.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: It said a lot of things. Crybaby.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: Being his breakout mixtape. The tattoo said that he was
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: committed to his music. The tattoo also said he was
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: a different.
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: Kind of rapper, emotional, and unafraid to let anyone know.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: And perhaps most importantly, the massive tattoo across his face
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: said to the straight world, to the parents, the teachers,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: the cops, present company excluded, of course, and perhaps even
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: to the members of GBC, that tattoo said one very
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: important thing for Lil Peep. It said, fuck off.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: We'll be right back after this word, word, word.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: The back piece tattoo was an even more explicit declaration
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: than the crybaby piece on his face. If we're not
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: conscious or extremely lucky or blessed, inevitably, we all suffer
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: in this world. And if we're fortunate, we find ways
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: to deal. Dealing was not Lil Peep's strong suit. His
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: new back tattoo would be his way of dealing. It
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: would also be his answer to every guidance counselor, coach,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: or doubter who ever asked him what he wanted to
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: do with his life. The pressures of his growing career,
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: what to do, who to do it with, when to
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: do it, where to go, who to take care of,
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: who to care about. For a 20-year-old kid with a
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: fast-growing celebrity and bank account, who came from a solid
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: working-slash-middle-class family, who is now in the position to take
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: care of his friends, if not his family, all of
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: it was way too much for him. Especially when coupled
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: with his anxiety disorder and depression. not to mention while
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: he was self-medicating, ingesting a steady diet of back-alley antidepressants, blow,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: and weed in massive quantities around the clock. But as usual,
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: there was solace in the soothing buzz of the gun.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Exit life, in massive Old English lettering across the upper
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: third of his back, and in big, bold, black, as
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: if to make no mistake, he was not long for
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: this world. Not with these pressures. Not with this pain.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Kurt Cobain wasn't long for this world either. He made
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: his exit in the most dramatic of fashions. A shotgun
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: blast to the face ripped on black tar heroin at
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: the height of his career in the cold confines of
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: his garage. His suicide note, emissive on the pain, depression,
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: and cruelty of fame suffered at the hands of a
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: tortured artist. A once-in-a-generation tortured artist, he apologized for going
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: through the motions on stage and not feeling passion for
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: music anymore. Lil Peep didn't have much to apologize for,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: and he didn't really know how to say no either.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about a lot more than the Nancy Reagan
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: just say no to drugs thing here, though that was
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: definitely a problem too, we'll get to that in a minute.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: But Peep also had trouble saying no to the needs
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: of his boys in Gothboy Click, and he had trouble
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: saying no to the growing number of fans who saw
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: his pain expressed plainly in his songs and in 180x180
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: pixels of raw imagery on Instagram. Peep was so raw,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: so real, so vulnerable, and gave so much of himself
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: to his art that his fanbase developed this strange sense
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: of entitlement where they felt he owed it to them
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: at all times to be Peep, the drugged-out, sad, hellboy
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: crybaby that he embodied in his music. When he played
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: live now, they showered him with not only praise but
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: with drugs, constantly heaving bags of pills, coke, weed, whatever
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: onto the stage during his sets. Like most rock stars,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: he was swarmed post-show by fans who wanted to touch him,
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: fuck him, get him fucked up, do whatever, except unlike
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: most rock stars, Peep wasn't surrounded by protectors and handlers.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Aside from an outnumbered tour manager and road crew, Peep's
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: entourage consisted mainly of professional partiers. Gothboy Click, who traveled
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: with him, opened for him, collaborated with him during his set,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: and went for it after the show. Not to be outdone,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: Peep went harder than his boys. It was clear to
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: anyone with a responsible bone in their body that little
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Peep was living on borrowed time under the current circumstances,
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: and Peep knew it too. Unable to say no, to
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: disconnect from his friends, who he felt an obligation to
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: share the growing wealth and fame with.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: Management stepped in and shipped him off to London.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: Put him up in a nice apartment, connected him with
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: artists like Bexy and I Love Makonnen to begin working
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: on new, poppier tracks like I've Been Waiting, and to
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: generally get him the fuck away.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: From Gothboy Click before they.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: All accidentally obliterated themselves with Oxys, Roxys, and whatever else
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: they were ingesting by the fistful. Once in Europe, Peep
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: committed to becoming the stadium-filling star he was born to be.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: His managers didn't want the Kurt Cobain ending. They wanted
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: the David Bowie ending. The one where the musician is
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: so gifted, so charismatic, and in possession of the kind
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: of talent that can meld numerous seemingly disparate influences into
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: one unique style, and then also give voice to a
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: generation of kids at the same time. They wanted that
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: kind of talent, and they knew it could go two ways.
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: It could crack like Cobain or thrive, becoming a living,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: breathing icon with a full career of constant cultural relevance
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: like Bowie. Naturally, management chose the Bowie option behind door
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: number two. From London, Peep was sent on tour. Shows
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: in Russia, Berlin, and Paris sold out. Thousands of kids
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: showed up to sing every word of every Peep song
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: back at him, full-throated, without being primed by any radio
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: or mainstream press support. From there, it was off to
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: Fashion Week in Paris, and the Men's Spring Summer Show
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: in Milan, and the full pop star makeover was in effect. Gucci, Balmain,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: runways with Luc Savard from Marcelo Berlin in Vlon, Cartier
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: Ice around his neck, The paparazzi and the photographers from Vogue, Elle,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: and Harper's snapping pics. Video crew following him around, journalists
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: hounding him. Blow-up pieces in GQ and V Magazine with
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: renowned Peruvian photographer Mario Testino behind the lens. It was silly, sure,
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: he knew that as he waited his turn backstage to
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: catwalk the runway mugging for the cameras. But damn if
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: it didn't feel good. He knew he was destined for this,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: this type of stardom. the kind that leaves a permanent mark,
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: the kind that has a way of not washing off.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: Cobain had it, Bowie too, and Lil Peep, now with
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: his European pop star metamorphosis near complete, was about to
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: head back to his home country, spread his new wings,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: and prove that he had it too.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: In the dream, whether it.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Was a sleeping dream or waking, he could hardly tell anymore. Regardless,
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: there was never enough. Never enough pills, never enough attention,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: never enough he could do for his management. Never enough
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: love from his dad. Never enough letters from his grandpa.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: Never enough time with his mom or his brother. Never
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: enough for his fans. Never enough energy to respond to
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: all of them on his socials. There was never enough
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: he could do for his boys, for Gothboy Click. Never
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: enough he could give them. Never enough money. And as always,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: in the dream, there was never enough ink in the
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: tattoo gun. In the dream, the gun always ran dry
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: before completing the massive exit life piece on his back.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: And holy shit did that thing look ridiculous. A small
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: thing to be anxious about, but a catch-all stressor for
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: the various pressures banging down on his chest and spinning
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: him out. As usual, the drugs weren't helping his anxiety.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: He was taking way more than usual. More coke, more.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Xanax, and more ecstasy.
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: He was back in the States, and Gothboy Click was
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: back in the mix. He'd brought along several members as openers,
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: and the various others linked up with the tour for
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: varied shows all over the U.S. leg where they would
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: join in. Exposure enough for everybody. Tour was a blur
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: to that point. His schedule was upside down. He'd wake
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: up every day about 30 minutes before showtime, go straight
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: to the stage, crush for thousands of fans, then party
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: backstage until the venue threw him and his GBC crew out.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: From there, they'd bring the party to the bus. More drink,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: more drugs, lots of coke, lots of downers, ketamine. And
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: they'd go hard all night while the bus made its
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: way to the next venue. If there was ever a
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: hotel involved, Peep didn't fuck with it. There was comfort
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: and familiarity in the bus. He could get stoned as
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: fuck and pass out sometime after the sun came up. Self-contained,
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: there would be no struggle to find his way anywhere.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: He was already there, wasted, but there. He'd wake up
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: wherever he passed out on the bus the night before,
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: smack some life into his cheeks, blast a rail, or
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: take whatever the beginning of his day called for to
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: get him going and follow his tour manager escort to
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: the stage. The lights would go dim, the crowd would roar,
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: he'd feel the natural burst of adrenaline press up from
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: within him, push his anxiety away from the surface, pump
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: his blood, and he'd then burst onto the stage, delivering
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: 90 minutes of prescriptive gospel to his drugged-out, anxious congregations.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: They were his, he was theirs, and the communion was real.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: But today was different. He was well awake upon arrival
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: in Tucson, Arizona on November 15th, 2017. And despite his
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: head being a mess and his anxiety starting to peak,
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: he decided to meet up with a couple of fans
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: who had DM'd him. They wanted to get him high.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Of course they did. All of his fans did. And
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Peep wanted to get high himself, show himself to be
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: a comedy. To give his fans the version of himself
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: that they wanted to see. That they'd grown to love.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: That they felt in some strange way they were owed
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: a piece of. Online he was so real. He breathed
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: life into their own anxious existence with his art so
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: the least they could do would be to set him up.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: Get him high. Make him feel good. Return the favor.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: Despite whatever his management felt, or what the press or
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: the fashion photographers in Milan believed, Lil Peep believed he
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: was an equal to his fans. At least he felt
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: an obligation to be. The gold-studded Balmain jacket fit well,
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: and the ice around his neck made him feel like
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: he'd arrived. But more often than not, especially in the
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: company of his boys and goth boy clique, Lil Peep
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: couldn't truck with the aloof pop star image. Raised by
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: a self-proclaimed anti-capitalist mom and grandfather who was a Harvard
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: historian and had extensively studied labor movements in Latin America,
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: and who stepped in for his dad who'd split, Lil
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Peep had socialist ideals coursing through his blood. He believed
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: in equality over all else, which is why he went
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: to great lengths to spread the love and fruits of
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: his fame around Gothboy Clay. on occasion paying rent for
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: some of his boys, keeping them fed, wasted, blowing them
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: up under his spotlight on stage, and taking them on tour.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: But the grind of it all was too much, especially
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: on this day. He posted on Instagram the day before,
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: November 14th, how he was feeling. I just want to
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: be everybody's everything. I want too much from people, but
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: then I don't want anything from them at the same time,
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: feel me? I don't let people help me, but I
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: need help, but not when I have my pills, but
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: that's temporary. One day maybe, I won't die young.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: And I'll be happy. What is happy?
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: I always have happiness for like 10 seconds and then
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: it's gone.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: I'm getting so tired of this.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: He and his two new friends, his fans, headed to
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: the bus to get They went up the steps into
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: the grimy tour bus, littered with ashes and coke-dusted mirrors
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: between the makeshift bunks for Goth Boy Clint. Peep was
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: handed a Xanax, and he took it.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: Soon after, he passed out. His new friends kept partying.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: He could hear them, faintly, laughing, fucking around, texting their
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: friends and posting on their socials about getting wasted with
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: the one and only little Peep. It was out cold,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: or so they thought, but Peep could still hear them,
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: at least a little bit.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: The dream was intruding.
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: He could hear the sound of the tattoo gun again,
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: getting louder, drowning them out, filling.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: Out the remaining letters on his back. Exit.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Life.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: The exit letters had been done for some time. It
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: was the life.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: Part that needed to be fully blacked out. The buzz
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: grew louder, the pain more blissful.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: He was losing them now.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: Their voices were all but completely faded. And so was
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: the pressure too, falling off, fading away. No more stressors.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: He was losing it all. It was the only way
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: for him to win. The buzz grew louder, steadier, strong.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: It filled in the remaining bits of life with black,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: and Lil Peep made his final exit. Sometime after, Lil
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: Peep had completely lost consciousness, a victim of the extremely
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: powerful fentanyl drug that had laced the Xanax he had taken. Bexie,
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: one of Peep's collaborators from the UK, walked into the
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: back of the bus, saw Peep passed out so close
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: to showtime, and swears.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: He heard him snoring.
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: Instead of checking on him more closely, he instead busted
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: out his camera and made an Insta story of his
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: friend in a joking way. Lil Peep's presence, even while
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: prone on the couch, lit up tiny screens all across Instagram.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: Little did anyone know, Lil P was dead.
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: Such a disgrace.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: I'm Jake Brennan, and this is Disgraceland. Disgraceland was created
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: by yours truly and is produced in partnership with Double Elvis.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Credits for this episode can be found on the show
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: notes page at disgracelandpod.com. If you're listening as a Disgraceland
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: All Access member, thank you for supporting the show.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: We really appreciate it.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: And if not, you can become a member right now
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: by going to disgracelandpod.com slash membership.
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: Members can listen to every episode of Disgraceland ad-free. Plus,
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: you'll get one brand new exclusive episode every month. Weekly
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: unscripted bonus episodes, special audio collections, and early access to
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: merchandise and events. Visit DisgracelandPod.com slash membership for details. Rate
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: and review the show and follow us on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter,
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: and Facebook at DisgracelandPod. And on YouTube at YouTube.com slash
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: at DisgracelandPod.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: Rock and roll up.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: He's a bad, bad man.
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: All right, guys.
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: That was a Little Peep episode of Disgraceland released way
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: back in 2021. Curious to know what you guys think
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: of Little Peep as an artist. Curious as well what
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: you think of this episode.
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: 617-906-6638.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: Voicemail and text. Got a new episode on Quincy Jones
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: coming in the feed next.
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: Get at me. Talk to you soon. Later, Discos.