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The Psychology Behind 'Why' Couples Trigger Each Other · Trauma Free Relationship

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Hi and welcome to Trauma Free Relationship.
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If you're new to this channel, thanks for tuning in.
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And if you've been here before, welcome back.
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My name is Tom Philpin. I've been working for with
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couples and individuals for decades, helping them to resolve
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or break those painful patterns that keep them stuck so that
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they can communicate better, prepare more quickly, and stay
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connected longer. Now I'm excited about our
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episode today, not because it's the easiest thing to talk about,
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but because I think it's really important to talk about.
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And that is, why do couples trigger each other so often?
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Why is it that couples, why is it that the person we're with
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and we've been in this relationship with for quite some
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time once once sort of the bloom is off the Rose, right?
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Once we settle into day-to-day life, the the immediate love
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bombing feelings have kind of faded a little bit.
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Why is it that now all of a sudden this person that we
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thought actually met all of our needs?
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We're finding it seems they have some flaws and once you get into
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relationship more long term, you're more likely to be
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triggered by your partner. So we're going to talk about
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what's the psychology behind why couples trigger each other in a
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relationship. Now, let me say this too, it's
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really important. All couples get triggered.
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Healthy couples, dysfunctional couples, toxic couples, you, you
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name it across the board, right? Think about a broad spectrum of,
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of couples from from the most healthy, and I don't want to say
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perfect because there's no such thing, but from a relatively
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healthy all the way to a couple that may be more, more
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dysfunctional in, in their relationship.
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They all get triggered. So it's not different.
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It's not new to you. You're not alone in this.
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Nothing's broken in you per SE, but this is something that
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happens in a lot of relationships and what it often
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means. And we're going to dive into
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this in more detail here in a minute.
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What it often means is there's probably something below the
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surface that's unhealed. Now, if we get triggered, first
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of all, it doesn't mean we're automatic in in fight or flight.
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Being triggered means that you're starting to get
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activated, that you sent something has now upset you,
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hurt you, activated your nervous system in some way.
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How do we know that we're not completely activated or in
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fight, fight or flight yet? If you can even say to yourself
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or your partner I've been triggered, then you're only
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triggered, you're not completely activated yet.
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When we get into fight or flight, it's much more difficult
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for us to say we're triggered. What we're usually doing is
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focusing on the source of the threat.
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So this is something that happens in a range of couples.
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It's not unique to you, but it is painful and it very often
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causes cycles, which is what we really want to dig in on and
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target so that we can learn how to break those cycles to to work
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through the triggers in a way that leaves us feeling more safe
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and connected with our partner. OK, let's dig in.
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All right, we're going to break this down into three different
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parts. We're going to talk about the
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nervous system safety versus threat.
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Specifically, we're going to talk about attachment needs.
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And then finally we're going to talk about meaning making.
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What is the story we tell ourselves about these particular
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triggers? Let's start with the nervous
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system. Now, if you've heard this
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channel at at all my podcast, any of my stuff, I talk a lot
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about the nervous system and I talk about what it is like in
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times of threat versus what it is like when it feels safe.
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And when our nervous system is activated, then what that
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usually means is it's detecting something that feels like an
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emotional threat, whether that be our partner, another person,
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whether that be an environment we might be in.
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I've said this before, our bodies are our first responders.
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If we are in tune with our bodies, they usually are the
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first responders to telling us something's, something's not
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right here, something's amiss, something's causing some kind of
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anxiety, or I feel like I've been hurt by something that is
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said or a tone that's been been used.
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Something is not working for me in this environment, environment
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in this moment. And when that happens, then we
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usually get triggered. And what that means is our
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nervous system is beginning to prepare itself.
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Think about it like a a green light, yellow light, red light
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system. When we're on a green light
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system, we feel safe. We feel safe with our partner.
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We feel safe at work, with our colleagues or in an environment
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we might feel safe at a party. We are relatively feeling safe.
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And that is sort of an unconscious question we
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constantly ask ourselves, am I safe?
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And I don't think it's explicit. I don't think we're using that
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language every time we walk into a room.
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But our bodies always asking us that that's the way we're built.
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We're built for connection as much as we're built for
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protection. And part of our protecting
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ourselves is asking ourselves, am I safe in this moment?
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And our bodies are usually the first responders for that.
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So when we sense that we're not feeling completely safe, that's
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often when we get triggered. And when we get triggered then,
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and usually our nervous system begins to get activated and it
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begins really honing in on what might that threat be, What is
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that person or environment that might be making us feel
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relatively unsafe in this moment?
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And in doing so, we tend to filter out whatever else might
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be happening, even if it might be making us feel safe.
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What what is going to make us feel safe is to neutralize that
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threat. And that in this case might be
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our partner. It might be our partner saying
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to us, hey, that didn't come out quite right.
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Can I, can I roll that back and start over?
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That came out with a tone or, you know, I really didn't mean
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it as, as as fierce as it sounded.
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And so all of a sudden our, our body now goes, oh, OK, that
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feels much better Now what feels like a threat has been
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neutralized and now my body can relax a little bit.
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And so we want to hone in on those threats.
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And so being triggered means that your nervous system is
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activated and it's beginning to look for and hone in on what
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might be the source of those threats.
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Very, very important to be able to understand that, because
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being able to understand, oh, this is my body's way of keeping
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me safe is crucial to the next couple of steps.
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And so your body is doing its very best, your nervous system
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is doing its very best, trying to keep you safe emotionally at
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all times. Obviously physically too, but
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when we talk about relational stuff, we talk about more like
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an emotional threat, not physical threats.
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And so the first part of this is when something feels off, right?
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It can be triggering and it can trigger a response and it can
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begin to activate if that response is not neutralized.
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If it is not, if it's not let's say go from yellow because like
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a yellow light would be triggering response.
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And then if it persists, then it's going to go to a red light,
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meaning it's going to go into full blown fight or flight.
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Now you've completely moved into a different part of your brain
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that is only activated in times of threat.
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And so recognizing how I go from green light to yellow light to
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red light can really help you begin to understand and map out
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what happens in my internal landscape when I get triggered.
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What what is the potential source of that trigger for me?
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In a lot of couples, it's facial expressions or tone of voice by
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their partner and then that usually moves me into a yellow
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light situation where my nervous system is now activated.
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I'm now honing in on what feels threatening in that moment.
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Either threatening to me as a person, how I see myself, my
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identity, or threatening to our relationship.
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And and don't underestimate how your brain reacts to what feels
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like a threat to the relationship.
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We are made for connection. That's not a nice to have.
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Being made for connection is a biological imperative.
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It is baked deep into our DNA and when we feel like our
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relationship is being threatened, like it could
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dissolve, it could end. That should light up your
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nervous system in a big way. So don't underestimate that
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because you're going to physiologically respond to a
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threat in your relationship and it can very quickly move you
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from green right past yellow, right into the red into the
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fight or flight. And so when we do that, then of
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course, more often than not, we begin to move into our
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attachment styles, either avoidant or pursuant.
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Those are the two most common because then that now there
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aren't we, we have an attachment threat, a relationship thread
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we're going to tie to cope with that.
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And in doing so, try to preserve the relationship in that moment
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the best way we know how. So that's a little bit about the
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nervous system response and what happens when we get triggered.
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The second part to this is the attachment needs.
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And so as I said, we're wired for connection, closeness and
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reassurance. And so when we get triggered, it
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often feels like we're in in fear of losing that connection.
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So not being heard feels like rejection distance might feel
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like abandonment or criticism might make us feel like we're
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not good enough. And so in those moments, it can
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amplify those negative feelings about us and it can amplify
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those unmet attachment needs in the moment.
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And This is why I say usually it's one of two things that
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feels like the biggest threat. One, I'm being completely
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misunderstood. And so your perception of me
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does not match how I see myself. I feel like what you're telling
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me in this moment is I'm a bad person, a bad partner, or I
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failed you somehow. And my experience of myself
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might be completely different. So it throws me into dissonance,
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cognitive dissonance there. And when that happens, I feel
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like there's a real threat against the way I see myself,
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which means I'm also trying to preserve myself esteem in that
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moment. And then of course, the other
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kind of threat, as I mentioned, is a threat to the relationship.
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That attachment bond that we have is not just a nice to have.
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It's not just, oh, I'm attached to my partner, we love each
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other or whatever kind of bond that that means to that person.
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This is a biological response we have to wanting that person to
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be the person that matters the most to us in our life and that
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we matter the most to them. And when that gets messed with,
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when we get triggered by each other, that formula gets out of
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sync and begins to quickly dissolve.
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And when that happens, all of a sudden our attachment needs are
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not being met. And so this is the second piece
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to being triggered. The first piece is that
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something happens and we begin to move our way towards a red
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light fight or flight system. We might pass through a yellow
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light, but not always, but certainly we were making our way
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there. This brings up the fear of of an
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attachment, loss of some kind, rejection, abandonment, not
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mattering to our partner, not feeling like our partner is
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caring for us in this moment. And so that's the second part
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that really comes along with these triggers.
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And when that shows up with partners, that leads
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specifically right into the meaning making part of this.
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And what I mean by this is what is the story we begin to tell
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ourselves in those moments when we've been triggered and
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activated and our nervous system is either in fight or flight or
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making its way there. When all of a sudden our needs
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in this relationship, specifically our relational or
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attachment needs, are not being met, We make meaning of that
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experience. And the meaning we have of that
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experience is really important because often times what can
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happen is we can take past experiences that are similar in
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meaning and we can overlay them into our current experience with
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our partner. It's a term called transference.
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Maybe someday I'll do an episode on that alone.
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But it's very common and all people do it.
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Healthy people as well as as more dysfunctional people or
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people that might have some mental disorders.
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It's very common for for all kinds of people.
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So you're not, there's nothing wrong with you if you have
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transference. I, I use transference.
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It's times my partner uses transference.
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We all do this, and we do this because our brain is built to
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make meaning of experiences. And when it has an experience
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and it's locked in on a particular meeting, that helps
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it make sense of what happened and why it happened.
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It creates a little file in a drawer and it says, OK, this
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experience means this to us. And now I've got a file in the
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file cabinet of my memory. And if anything comes close to
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being similar, then what I do is I just pull out this file from
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the file drawer and I go, aha, this is similar to what's
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happening. I bet this is the same thing
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that happened in the past. And so often times the story we
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tell ourself is the meaning file that we pull from the drawer.
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And we say once again, when my partner triggers me or uses that
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tone or pulls away from me or shuts down, this tells me once
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again that I'm not getting it right.
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I'm incapable of being loved. I'm not worthy of it.
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I'm not ever going to measure up.
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And the only thing I can do is is try to save whatever sort of
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self esteem I might have. And I'm just going to shut down
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and remove myself either physically or emotionally from
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the situation. Or if we reverse that, we look
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at it from a more anxious attachment standpoint, then what
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that might say to that person is, once again, I'm never going
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to get the love that I need. I have to work harder than
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anybody else to try to just simply be loved in my
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relationships. Why is it my partner always
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pulls away from me or shuts down when I try to get them to love
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me the way I need? Why is it so hard?
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What is wrong with me that I can't get the love that I want?
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And it's going to pull that file out of the cabinet and it's
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going to say, aha, I know why? Because of these experiences in
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the past. It has a similar meaning and it
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must mean the same thing. It must mean there's something
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broken in me or there's something defective or I'm wrong
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somehow, or my partner is, is incapable of loving me the way I
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need or a whole host of other reasons.
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You could, you could probably easily add your own line in
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there that says, you know, in in these types of situations, I
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don't get the love I desire because blank.
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And you can just add your own line and there can be lots of
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different ones, lots of different ones.
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But often times when we get triggered in our relationship,
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these three things happen. 1 is it activates our nervous system
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heading towards fight or flight. 2 it, it pulls online those
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unmet needs that are occurring in that moment in the
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relationship and they're amplified all that much more and
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they feel all that much more threatening to us because of
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what's happening. And three, we try to make sense
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of what's happening by often times reaching back into a file
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that we've had from similar past experiences because this is the
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way our brain works and makes sense and tell ourselves a story
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of what's happening, this moment, which often times
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because of the story that we're locked into, often times it
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becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
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What do I mean by that? If I'm a more anxiously attached
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person and my partner did something that's now activated
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me, it's triggered me and now I'm really getting very anxious.
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I and I feel like my partner's beginning to shut down and move
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away. I, I might respond by all of a
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sudden putting all kinds of pressure on my partner to
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resolve this in, to resolve this issue that's going on between
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us. I might put more pressure on my
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partner to not shut down, to open up.
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And I'm a bombard them with 1000 questions.
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So it almost feels like they're being interrogated like an
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attorney. I might have all my anxiety that
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I'm directing onto them as well, and I might be honed
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specifically in on the one thing they're doing that feels like
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the biggest threat. And all of this because I'm
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telling myself the story that in this moment, my partner will not
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love me the way I need to be loved.
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And in this moment, I somehow am incapable of being loved once
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again. And so these three things can
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really get activated and they can act as a self fulfilling
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prophecy. Because the more that person
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might push their partner to resolve the issue, to hear them,
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to understand them, to empathize deep with the pain that they're
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feeling, the more they might shut down.
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And This is why I focus so much in on cycles because this cycle
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that happens while there's layers below it that are that
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are stacking up and adding and contributing to the cycle.
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If if the couple does not learn how to deactivate their cycles,
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they don't learn how to regulate themselves better, then what
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happens is you can never get to those deeper layers.
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And those partners will never be able to have a different
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experience of each other and of themselves for the the hurt they
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sustained that actually holds the story they're telling
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themselves in any different kind of way.
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And so they end up repeating those experiences because the
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cycle repeats as well, over and over and over.
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So the psychology behind why couples trigger each other, it's
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ultimately because we have some unhealed wounds and those wounds
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often time give rise to emotional dysregulation, which
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is the engine to what creates the cycles.
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It's the fuel for the cycles in the relationship.
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And I hope you can kind of see how I've spelled that out a
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little bit and what that might look like in the relationship.
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So, you know, this is really important to be able to kind of
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piece this stuff together. And it's important not just to
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have sort of the, the, the, the head knowledge of it, but to, to
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be able to understand what is your lived experience of this.
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I really feel like we are in a day and age where we've got
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plenty of information and I know I'm contributing to it, lots of
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information. What we need to do is we need to
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figure out the information that resonates with us, not just the
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positive stuff, but the stuff that that runs a little bit a
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little bit contrary or challenges us in certain ways
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that doesn't sit easy with us that that we feel uncomfortable
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with. And we need to create
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experiences with that information, experiences that
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help us be the best version of ourselves.
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So it's not always just more information.
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A lot of times it is how do I take that information and how do
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I apply that to my life and my relationships?
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And that's part of what we do for couples and individuals in
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our Cycle Reset program, right? That there's tons of information
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in there. But more importantly, how can we
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give you a different experience so that you show up differently
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in your relationship? And so in this particular case,
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the psychology behind why do couples trigger each other is
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because we've got some wounds that aren't always healed.
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And when those get poked at, when that scab gets gets gets
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scraped up against or rubbed up against, then it triggers
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sometimes those old wounds and especially those old stories
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that keep us stuck. So the goal is to take this
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information, even if it's uncomfortable, and figure out
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what piece of this do I need to start working on.
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Do I need to understand more of my triggers?
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Do I need to start practicing more regulation techniques so I
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can stay more regulated? Or do I need somehow to
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understand more of the story I tell myself in those moments so
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that it doesn't come to define and dominate so much of my life
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and my relationships?