Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 12, Season 2: Mastering the Conscious Mind: The Key to Directing Your Life and Relationships

Transcript

Episode 12, Season 2: Mastering the Conscious Mind: The Key to Directing Your Life and Relationships · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co host,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Reina Butcher here with our host and my bff, doctor
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Sarah Hensley. Hi. Hi, what's up?
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, you know, not much, just working, working, working and
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: doing the kid thing kid activities. But it doesn't matter
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: because it just gets worse. Yeah, it's just it's we
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: have so many kids, and I love my big family.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Like I always wanted to have a big family. But
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: then after you know, I did not do well with pregnancy.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: So I get to have two beautiful kids that I
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: didn't actually have to be pregnant to have, and so
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: that is a blessing. And I love our beautiful family.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: But I'm not gonna lie. Four kids in like six
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: different sports. We've got my mom on board, We've got
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Miss Hannah, our helper on board, and my husband and
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: I and we still are running all all the place.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: Never sit still. No, Sarah is the hardest person to
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: nail down. In fact, you know, I'm.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: Sorry to everybody who's tried to nail me down. I'm
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: so sorry. I do try to prioritize being a mom,
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: you know, above everything else, and it's it's so hard.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: It's a hard balance being a working mom.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: And me an empty nest, this empty nest time in
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: my life, and it's like I'm always alone.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I I can't go to the bathroom without
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: one of the younger kids being like Mom, Sarah, are
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: you they need something?
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: And I'm just like yeah, in fact, when this episode, yeah,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: when this episode airs, I will officially be an empty
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: nester because wow, I moved my son to college this week,
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: so I'm in. I've had some emotional moments thinking about
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: it for so many reasons. But sure, it's a it's
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: a really unique time in appearances life. I've said it once,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I'll say it again. It's it's bittersweet, yes, but I'm
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: trying my best.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: To be old af when I get to that day, I.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Know when it sucks because I'm like, gosh, now I
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: have all this time freedom and like like Josh should
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: not want to travel, like like we're already planning our
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: next trip. Yeah, like we're we're already planning our next
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: trip and we need to plan our next trip with
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: you guys.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: Yes for sure.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: So but anyway, today's episode, we are going to talk
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: about the power of the conscious mind. Yes, we have
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: talked about the subconscious mind.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: We did. We had a whole episode on the subconscious
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: mind operates completely differently than the conscious mind.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: So break it down for U, s Doc tell us,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: you know what what is the conscious mind? And make
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: it simple. Make it simple for us people that just don't.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: The conscious mind is the part of the mind you
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: can access. It's your own thoughts. Okay. What's interesting is
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: that they say about forty percent of the population does
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: not have a stream of consciousness, which blows my mind. Basically,
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: that means they can't hear their own voice in their head.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: They have their mind as one hundred percent quiet, and
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: they think abstractly. They think in abstract so they can't
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: like if you were to walk up to a mirror
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: and say hello to yourself in your brain, they can't
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: do it.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I can't even Like it's like trying to fathom infinity,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: Like I can't fathom that, Like I don't even understand it. Like, yeah,
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: brain just does not rem right.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: And I've had and I'm not gonna lie. They tend
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: to be dismissive avoidance. Because dismissive avoidance are so dissociated,
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: I think that maybe that maybe that's what it is.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: Maybe I don't know what. I honestly need to dig
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: into this a little bit further of why some people
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: don't have a stream of consciousness, if there's certain genetic
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: predispositions to it, if there's situational like too much dissociation
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: during development or what happens. But I have noticed at
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: least in my practice, and there could be selection bias
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: there of course too, but it tends to be more
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: of the dismissive avoidance that don't have the stream of consciousness.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Fearful avoidance always have a stream of consciousness, I've learned,
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: because their mind never shuts up. My mind never shuts up. Same,
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: It's always always talking to me. And what I want
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: people to understand is that you can have a great
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: deal of control over your mind.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: That was gonna be my next question, was, you know,
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: like the difference really between or how much control does
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: the conscious mind have compared to like the subconscious mind.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: The subconscious mind. If you go back and listen, it
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: might have been like episode two or three.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: It was a very early it was a good one.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: So the subconscious mind doesn't have language, so the subconscious
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: mind its languages and feeling of the body, so the
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: tight chest, the shaky hands, the adrenaline in the heart.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: That's your subconscious mind speaking to you. Is in the
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: feeling element of emotion. The conscious mind speaks to you
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: in the thought element of emotion. So emotion is the
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: feelings in the body like our you know, the ache
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: in your chest or the pit in your stomach, or
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: the racing heart, plus your thoughts about what has happened
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: in the situation. That is all that the construct of
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: emotion is made up of. Okay. So it has a
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: cognitive piece in what we call an affective piece or
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: the feeling piece in the body. Okay, And so you
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: know that is the subconscious mind speaks in affect. It
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: speaks in feeling, in sensation, and the conscious mind speaks
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: in language or for some people language in a more
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: abstract term. Like it was funny. I was talking to Courtney,
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: the woman who does our eyelashes, and she doesn't have
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: a stream of consciousness, which is interesting. So I was talking.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: I was trying really hard to talk to her because
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: I really wanted to deep dive into like what is
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: it like not to have a stream of consciousness? And
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: she's like, I don't know, It's just like I think,
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: but it's not in words. It's more abstract, you know,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: like if if I think of an apple, like I
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: can't just like picture an apple in my brain. Like
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: she doesn't have a mind's eye either, Like the mind's
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: eye is your ability to like have imagery, right, right,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: And so the conscious mind is supposed to speak in language,
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: and she's like, well, it does speak in language, I
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: just can't hear it. So it was really hard for
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: me to interesting she's AP, she is AP, love you
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: court your AP, and she knows it. She'll like, yeah,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: she'd but you know, so the conscious mind has language.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: Some people have a stream of consciousness, meaning they can
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: actually hear the sound. They can hear an inner voice.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: People that don't have a stream of consciousness can't hear
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: the inner voice, but their thoughts are still language based.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: So she, you know, if I say, okay, Courtney, describe
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: what an apple looks like, she would say, it's red,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: it's round, it has a stem, you know, it's white
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: in the middle. Whatever, right has a court has seeds.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: So there's language to her thought because she can verbalize it,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: but she doesn't if I said say that to yourself
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: in your head, she hears no language. She just has
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: the thought abstractly somehow, And I.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Said, don't see it? Does she not know?
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: So it's one of those things that I think. It's
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: like the question of like is the color blue that
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: I see the same as what you see?
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Like? Do we see color imagery? Nobody knows because you
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: can't ever be inside someone's head, right, So we can't know.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: And that's the thing. And so a stream of consciousness
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: is just audibly hearing an inner voice. You don't hear
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: it outside of yourself. We worry about schizophrenia when we
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: think about audible sounds or audible voices, But it's inside
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: of your head, right, So the conscious mind has language
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: attached to it. Therefore we can speak back to it,
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: which makes us extremely powerful beings. I went through so
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: much of my life with this idea that I couldn't
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: help how I felt, and I couldn't help how I thought,
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: and I truly believed that. I truly believed that. You know,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: my brain works the way it works, My emotions are
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: the way they are. I'm just a sensitive person and
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: this is just how I am. And my dad as
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: messed up as he was. God blessed the man he
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: tried to instill, but he didn't use any of this knowledge.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's why it didn't stick because there was no
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: modeling there. It was just a lecture that you know,
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: you can have power over your mind. And I was like, no,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: you can't, Like I can't control the thoughts that I have,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: and the thoughts are hard, they're crazy, Like I can't
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: get it out of my head if this happens or
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: that happens, or whatef or whatnot.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: That was so wrong.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: And I saw a Tony Robbins video on TikTok today.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Love Tony Robbin's always a big fan of his. He's
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: a huge inspiration. And he said, you know, your life
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: is what you focus on it, and this is not
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: It is no longer philosophical that you are what you
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: focus on. It's not philosophical anymore. There's actual science behind it.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: And so psychologists a long time ago created the theory
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: of the self fulfilling prophecy. I think everybody's kind of
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: heard of it.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: This.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: It's this idea that what we think becomes our actions
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: and then that brings back to us sort of the
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: reality of what we were thinking in the first place,
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: right So if I believe I will always be rejected,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: I'm going to one focus on all the ways I
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: am rejected, and two, I'm probably going to behave in
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: ways that then cause me to be rejected, which then
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: reinforces the thought that I will always be rejected. That's
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: a self fulfilling prophecy. But the science of quantum physics
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: now is blowing this way open by saying there is
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: no even in fact behavioral mediator that has to happen.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: So for the self fulfilling prophecy, it's I have a
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: thought and then I act in ways that reinforce the
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: outcome to come back to the original thought. Right again,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: So if I feel like I'll be rejected, maybe I
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: act awkwardly, which then makes me rejected, which then reinforces
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: that I'm going to be rejected. Right, Quantum physics is saying, no,
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: you don't even have to have the behavior, it's just
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: the thought. And let me break this down, because I deep,
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: I went to I went down the rabbit hole with this,
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: okay one night, and I am a rabbit hole person.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: I'm just one of those people.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Well, you're a researcher, you're a scientist.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: I'm a scientist. Right, I'm a researcher. And when you
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: are trained as a researcher, research doesn't isn't just gathering knowledge,
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: it is producing knowledge. It is collecting data to produce knowledge, right,
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: to develop theory and test theory and test hypotheses. And
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: so I'm a trained researcher. You know, I'm an experimentalist
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: at heart, and so I like to read actual scientific papers.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I'm a super nerd. That's how it became an attachmentist expert.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: I read the actual scientific papers. I wasn't just reading
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: like websites, right, And so that's where I nerd out
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: is I can actually go and I can look at
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: the design of the study, and I can look at
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: who's funding the study, and I can try to see,
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: you know, are there limitations to this research? Is their
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: biases or flaws and the design, et cetera. And so
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: that allows me the skill of distinguishing good research from
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: bad research. Right. And there's a lot of really good,
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: really solid science around what I'm about to break down,
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: and I'm going to do it to the best of
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: my ability. Because I am a social psychologist. I am
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: not a physicist. Okay, specifically, I'm not a quantum physicist. Okay,
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: so this is.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: We'd have one on we two That would be really
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: that would be so.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Cool, because honestly, it's a little above my pay grade.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to lie. Okay, so when you're starting
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: to talk molecular science, my brain's just like, huh, like,
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: give me the cliff notes, right, give me, give me.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: I'll read the discussion section of the paper, but not
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: gonna lie. Okay.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: I try to look at methodology and I try to
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: look at it from an experimentalist standpoint of like, Okay,
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: there's a sort of criteria that all the scientific method
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: rests upon, So like, are we using you know, these
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: these scientific principles? Are we using the scientific principles of experimentation,
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: like you know, having a placebo or whatever it is.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: I know the foundational stuff when it comes to quantum physics,
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: but in terms of like, you know, how do you
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: really look at an atom? I don't really understand them,
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: the microscopes, Like, I don't understand those things. But here's
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: what I do know. We are all made up of atoms,
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: and inside of those atoms are smaller bits, right, and
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: all of those smaller bits are moving in different directions,
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: and every atom has, from what I understand, infinite possibilities
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: of how it can behave infinite Again, how do we
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: conceptualize infinity? I do not know, but it apparently can
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: behave in infinite ways. And your thoughts will change the
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: direction in which the atoms that you are made of
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: and the atoms around you are spinning. So if essentially
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: every possibility for you and your life exists all at
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: once based upon how the atoms decide to spin, your
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: mind controls the direction of that spin. So were our
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: consciousness therefore then creates our reality at a molecular level.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: So we change the way that the atoms spin based
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: upon our focus and our intent and our emotion attached
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: to it. And here's what is super interesting. If we
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: want to talk about quote unquote manifestation, which I do
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: not believe in, because I believe that it is not
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: the universe that brings us things. It is the creator
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: of the universe that set a design in motion, and
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: that design just plays out like there are rules to
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: God's design in my opinion, Okay, so I believe that
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: manifestation in the way that God designed it is real.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: I don't believe it's something that we create organically from
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: in us. I believe that we can tap into the
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: power of God's laws of the universe and use them
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: to our advantage. That is my particular opinion because that
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: is sort of how I reconcile like that the law
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: of attraction is real, but it's God's law. God designed
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: the universe for the law of attraction to be real.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: It's not something that the universe holds organically on its
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: own without God's design and power. If that makes sense,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: it makes sense. So what is the science of quote
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: unquote manifestation which I believe is just the law of attraction,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: which I think is the way that God designed the universe,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: which is gives us so much power essentially, you know,
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: because one of my favorite verses two Timothy one seven
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: says for God did not give you a spirit of fear,
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: but one of power, love and a sound mind. And
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: so I have a sweatshirt that even says that on
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: I'm about to get it ted, probably tattooed on me
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: because it is a verse I've never had one. I'm
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: like the unicorn, right, it keeps calling me back because
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: I'm like not to get off on another tangent. But
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: I'm just like this unicorn that doesn't have any tattoos.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Don't anybody that doesn't have any tattoos. I literally don't
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: know a single person.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: You and Curnie are the only two I know. And
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: so it's just one of.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Those things where I have needle phobia and I've just
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: never been brave enough to do it. It's really not
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: that I don't think they're cool. I think they're super cool.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: I just I'm a needlephobic and it's it's scary to me. Okay,
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: speaking of the mind, it's all in my head. My
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: needle phobia is and I proved that to myself because
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: last time I got botox, I didn't pass out, and
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: that was last week. So I know because I was like,
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: you know what, if this mind, this mind stuff is real,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: then it's mind over freaking matter, Sarah, you don't have
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: to be a needle phobe for the rest of your life.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: It is a vaguel tone response to the fear. It's
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: a fear response, right. So I was like, Nope, mind
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: over matter. So what I what did I do? I
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: used my freaking tools out to teach other people. I
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: was like, duh, apply it here, Sarah, you don't have
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: to pass out from your botox and I didn't. You
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: can ask my inject.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: I'm sure, Sarah. Our injector was like, thank god.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: I'm getting the smelly salts out for this one again
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: because I'll have to take break. I'll be like, I'm
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: about pass out, Sarah and be like, okay, we'll take
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: a break. Stop stop stop, you know. And where I
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: used to go before I met Sarah, they would get
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: the smelly salts out every single time.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Immediately the media and alcohol.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: Pads to like to get, you know, to wake me up.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: I've passed out in front of you book.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, terrifying.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: I think we've told that story on the pot before. Anyway,
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: That's just that's part of my nature. I a I
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: will go down. I am a pastor outer AnyWho. So basically,
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: this law of attraction is this idea that our thoughts
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: change the molecular spinning. And we are all made of atoms,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: and everything around us is made of atoms, and those
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: atoms are made of smaller things. And so when we
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: we can direct the spin of the atoms which create
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: a certain reality at any given point in time.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: So Essentially, it blows my mind.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: Our life is made up of infinite possibilities at every
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: given second.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: Infinite power.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: And yeah, think about that infinite power, right, which is like,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: how did this disciples have the power to heal when
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: they weren't Jesus. Well, they tapped into the power that
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: Jesus has granted upon us through our belief and our faith.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: And this is where I was going. I'm glad I
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: went back to that because I probably would have lost
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: my train of thought. I do that a lot lately.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: I think it's perimn of pest, yeah, or just being
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: really busy. But they they have found that the way
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: that the reality is actually created is directly correlated to
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: the depth of the belief in the outcome. So that
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: is why foe belief doesn't work. Like if you believe
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: I'm going to win the lottery, but in the back
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: of your mind you're like, yeah, probably not, You're not
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: gonna win lottery. They actually have done studies that show
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: that the people that have people that have won the
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: lottery like truly believe that someday they're going to win
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: the lottery. Like the depth of their belief is wholehearted.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: At the cellular level, like the atomic level, which is
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: like the smallest form of matter inside the atoms, right,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: the smallest form of matter. And so essentially, when I
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: look at my life, and we did some episodes on
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: my life story, which is sort of like a you know,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: I've just had a ton of trauma. I don't know
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: how else to describe it if you haven't listened to
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: those episodes, I've just had a lot of life trauma.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: And my life changed extremely quickly and within a year,
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: within a year, my life was top to bottom different
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: in terms of my personality, in terms of how my
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: nervous system functioned, in terms of my love life, in
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: terms of my finances, one hundred percent different. And I
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: really have to think about what was the biggest shift,
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: And the biggest shift was learning through Ashley and being
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: health and science all combined of the power of being
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: able to observe the mind. So we aren't sort of
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: born and naturally developed with the power to observe our
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: stream of consciousness. Science shows it's actually kind of a
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: skill that can be learned, kind of like we're not
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: born knowing how to ride a bike. We get on
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: the bike and we try and we practice and then
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: all of a sudden, it's muscle memory. Observing your mind
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: works the same way, and this is one of the
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: fundamental skills that I teach in my hybrid group. So
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm kind of revealing, not gatekeeping here. I
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: have a lot of specific strategies to teach to observe
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: your mind. But the power of observation is a skill
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: that you can learn. So you can learn to sort
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: of have a thought, and then there's another part of
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: your consciousness that comes in and observes it and has
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: some evaluation of that thought. Most people just go through
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: their lives and like they have all of these thoughts.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: Every thought you have speaks to your nervous system. Every
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: single thought you have tells your nervous system. Am I
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: safe in this moment? Or am I not safe in
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: this moment? And so most people are just passive victims
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: of their thoughts. That's why I always believed that I
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: had no control.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: Believing that all your thoughts are true is really dangerous,
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: so dangerous.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: Listen, I have thoughts all the time that I'm like, dang,
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: that's not nice, that's not good, not today, Satan, You're
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: not getting in my head.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: You know. I think it's important to emphasize here because
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: a lot of people will say, well, these this is
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: just how I feel, and my feelings are valid, and.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: I want to like nothing makes me more mad.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Than that one thing that you talk a lot about
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: in your content. Oh.
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: Not all feelings are valid. They're not. They're not.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: You can't believe every feeling and every thought.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Follow follow your life, just following your feelings and see
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: where you get. Yeah, let me tell you take the
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: road from now on. You use no logic and you
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: just follow your feelings and see where you end up.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: You're gonna end up like a drug addict, yeah, okay,
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: or you're gonna end up in victimhood and victimhood not
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: I will. Here's what I will say. It's nuanced. Not
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: all feelings are valid, but all feelings must be felt
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: without judgment, yes, and then critically evaluated, Okay, Like the
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: thought piece of emotion needs to be critically evaluated, the
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: feelings piece of emotion we need to just feel, confront
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: and move on from. And when we actually do feel
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: and confront them, especially if we're using strategies to garner
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: safety that are both telling the brain that yes, we
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: are feeling and this feels uncomfortable, But guess what, we're
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: still safe. That's what I teach, right, And we have
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: some science behind how to teach that, and I do
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: teach that in my hybrid group. And it's a game
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: changer because we have to feel our emotions too completion.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: But emotions are one half your thoughts and one half
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: your feelings. So when I say all feelings are valid,
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: I mean all emotions aren't valid, right, the feelings aspect
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: of emotion that is happening from your nervous system, and
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: it is happening so quickly that you're never going to
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: be able to completely stop having feelings or having negative feelings, right.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: You can't deny that it's not happening.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: But there's there's an interpretation of those feelings, right, What
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: is this feeling and what does it mean about me
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: in my life? That is what can be invalid, right,
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: our interpretation of what we are experiencing and what it
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: means for us in our life. Right. So for example,
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: my husband might be having a bad day and maybe
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: he says something and I think it's a little rude, Right,
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: it should happens, right, and so I can experience a
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: negative emotion like rejection, right right, rejection is going to
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: come with tightness in my chest, a pit in my stomach,
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: and then it's going to come in with thoughts of well,
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: what in the hell did I do to you? Why
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: are you doing this to me? I didn't do anything,
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: Why are you being rude? You're such a jerk. Let's
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: break that down. What does that tell my nervous system?
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: If I hang on to that thought, what does it
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: tell my nervous system? It tells my nervous system, well,
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: you have two options here. You either can stay married
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: to this jerk who's rude, or you can get a divorce.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: You're stuck between the rock of the pain of detachment
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: and the hard place of suffering. My nervous system says,
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: there's no escape from that. It's suffering any direction I go. So,
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: of course, then you're going to get anxiety. Of course
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: you're going to become more dysregulated, and then you're more
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: likely to operate in your trauma response. Then I would
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: be more likely to blurt out, what in the hell
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: is your problem? Why are you being so rude? Which
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: might start a fight, right, But when you have the
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: power of observation, It gives you a pause because again
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: there's the me that thinks, sure, that comes through my head, God,
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: what a jerk, What in the hell's your problem? But
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: then there's the second meat that comes in and says,
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: hold on, Sarah, he's not a jerk. You love this man. Yes,
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: he said something that you didn't like. No, that didn't
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: feel good. You didn't like it. I'm not gaslighting myself.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying that it's all okay when it's not.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: I'm being honest with myself when I said, ooh, that
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: didn't feel good. But it gives me the pause to
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: not go down the rabbit hole of you're such a
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: jerk and that was so unwarranted. Getupsive, We get defensive,
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: because that's just dysregulating my nervous system. It is speaking
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: to my nervous system, telling my nervous system you're under threat.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: So how do I combat that? Well? With the power
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: of observation, I can be like, ah, that's not true,
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: he's not a jerk, but I didn't love what he
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: just said. Let me get curious about what could be
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: going on. H right, So then I can come in with, hey, babe,
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: your energy feels a little off, Is everything okay with you?
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: Are you upset about anything? And then I can trust again.
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: This is part of having a secure relationship. I am
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: not responsible for his emotions. I'm only responsible for the
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: environment that I create. So me coming in with curiosity
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: is creating an environment of peace and of loving observation
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: and of vulnerability and an opportunity for connection and an
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: opportunity for him to share his feelings. What the hell
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: is your problem? Does not really invite someone into be vulnerable.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: It invites someone's defensiveness, and it feels like an attack.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: And so when I can get curious, you know, then
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: I can get that it probably didn't have anything to
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: do with me. Maybe he just he's hot. He just
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: walked in from outside and he's just hot, and he's
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: just like, I'm sorry, I was just a little snappy.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: I'm just burning up and exhausted over here. Okay, You're
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: allowed to be human there, you had a human moment.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: Had nothing to do with me. But when we are
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: when we do not have the power of observation and
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: we are a victim to our thoughts, our thoughts will
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: speak this regulation into our nervous system. It will speak
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: a certain story into our nervous system that we hold
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: on to, and that story can be so painful. People
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: break their own hearts every day unnecessarily, like, for example,
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: when you have a dismissive avoidant partner and they're withdrawing.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: You can tell yourselves two very different stories about that.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: One is, I'm not loved. They don't care about me.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: They if they loved me, they would come back and
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: repair this. Another thought is, wow, this doesn't feel good
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: to me. I need to have repair. But I know
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: that this is their trauma response and I can't control it.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: All I can do is have conversations about my needs
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: and then hold boundaries around them. Right, that's all the
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: power that you have. And so which one is going
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: to break your heart? I'm not loved, I'm rejected. They
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: don't want they don't care about me, they don't want
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: this relationship or the other conversations. They lack capacity. Can
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: I set boundaries around them trying to gain capacity? And
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: then if they can't, my boundaries will have to step
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: up until I'm out the door, because I won't be
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: in a relationship with someone who can't repair conflict. But
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: when you tell yourself you're not loved. What do you
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: try to do prove that you're worthy of love? You
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: try harder. Instead of accepting someone's lack of capacity and
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: deciding if it's a deal breaker for you and using
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: your boundaries as a way to protect yourself from their
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: lack of capacity, you make it about you and what
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: your worth is. And then of course, of course you're disregulated.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: And then when you're just regulated, you will operate in
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: a trauma response. And so that is the hallmark of
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: insecure attachment. So that's why healing attachment. You have to
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: have power over your mindset. You have to and that
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: power of observation is a muscle it takes a while
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: to develop.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: So we got to talk about Cozy Earth because we
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: love it so much.
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: We love Cozy Earth.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: You're all about the sleep here at the Love Doc.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: Yes, because sleep is such a foundational point to your health.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: And I don't know what it is about growing older
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: that your sleep just starts to suck. And I want
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: to a period of my life where my sleep was
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: awful and now my sleep is buck And Cozy Earth
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: is a big part of that because their sheets are
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: viscous from bamboo, and when you want to talk about
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: soft and silky and luxurious, and they do not pill
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: when you wash them, they stay soft. I cannot brag
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: on their sheets enough.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: How are they different from other sheets? Would you say?
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: I would say one is just the softness and like
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: the silkiness. It's like softness and silkiness combined. I don't
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: know how to describe it. You just have to feel
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: it and the feeling and it's yes, it's a cooling effect.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: And so you move around on them, well, you slide
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: around on them. Well, right, it's not like you have
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: like satin sheets. We're like slipping off your bed and.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: They don't fall up. H I do not like those
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: little balls.
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: That's the pills, right, So they call it's called pilling,
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: and they don't do that, which makes the sheet rough.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: And so you always have the smooth sheet, which is
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: really great. They hold up so great in the laundry,
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: they get better, they get washes. Fantastic.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Now they actually also have one hundred days sleep guarantee,
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: so you can sleep on them for one hundred days
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: and if you're not one hundred percent satisfied, you can
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: send them back and get all your money back.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: That's amazing that's a company that absolutely believes in the product.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: And here at the Love Doc, we only endorse what
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: we truly believe in, what we use, what we swear by.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: That was our agreement when we started this podcast that
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: we weren't going to sell out, even though you know,
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: maybe we'd be richer if we sold out, but we're
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: not going to weird requests. We've had some extremely weird requests,
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: but Cozy Earth is not one of them. And they
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: actually just sent us their cuddle Bubble blanket, which to
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: me is fantastic. It is a little bit of a
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: heavier blanket which gives you that nervous system calming effect.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: It's not a true weighted blanket. It won't suffocate you,
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: but it's just enough to really feel relaxed. And it
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: is so soft and it's big, and it's one of
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: my new favorite blankets. My special place to retreat is
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: we have two recliners in our room. We have a
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: pretty big master and then in front of the bed.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: We actually stole this from the people that owned the
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: house before. This is how they had it laid out.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: We have two very small, sort of like recliners, and
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: then we have like a coffee table in front. So
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: we have like a little living room in our bedroom.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: And my new favorite blanket to be in my chair
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: is my cuddle bubble blanket from Cozy Earth. So thank
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: you so much, Cozy Earth. You can receive a fantastic
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: discount rain and tell us about the discount.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: Forty person off with promo code love doc at checkout,
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: which is I've that's our most generous. It's our most
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: so generous. And you know, Cozy Earth their sheets were
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: named one of Oprah's favorite things.
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, and I know the Kardashians use them too, so
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: if they're good enough for the Kardashians, they will absolutely
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: good enough for us peons, right, Yes, and I just
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: they're my favorite. I just what I ordered last time
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: was a set for the camper because again I was like,
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: these regular sheets suck. Now that you've used Cozy Earth,
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: you can't go back. It's one of those things like
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: once you have nice things like that, you just can't
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: go back. But Cozy Year its pricing I think is
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: pretty reasonable, especially with the off.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and they have a ten year warranty. Yeah, so
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: that's huge, it's huge.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: They stand by their products. I love people that stand
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: by their products.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Well, it just goes to say that the investment is
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: worth it.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: It's worth it.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: Good stuff ain't what's hold on?
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: What is?
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Josh? They all the time I got to get right,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: Cheap stuff ain't good, and good stuff ain't cheap.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but with the discount it does make it price friendly.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: Yes it does. So go check them out use promo
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: code love Dog for forty percent off. So what's the
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: difference in terms of gaining that control of the conscious
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: mind versus the subconscious mind.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: The subconscious mind only learns through experience, and it's feeling
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: to experience, and the.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Experience conscious is observation.
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: Conscious is observation. Okay, so subconscious is experience. So what
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: do I mean by that? What I mean by that
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: is the subconscious learns and creates its own imprints or
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: its own quote memories from experience, from feeling, because felt
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: experiences is how we essentially create the database for our subconscious.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Our own connections. Right, Yeah, it's the imprints, and.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: The subconscious mind is like this database of all of
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: your past experiences and how it felt in your body. Okay.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: So that's why, like when we were kids and we
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: were dismissed. We felt that in our body, right, Or
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: when we were kids and we were yelled at or spanked,
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: or you know, there were things that happened to us,
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: we felt it in our body. So those imprints then
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: wire into the subconscious, which then the subconscious's job is
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: to keep you safe and make sure that you are surviving.
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: And the intimate connections we have are so much of
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: a part of our survival. The human survival strategy is
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: built upon connection. Right, Okay, that's why the safety space
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: of our nervous system, which is called ventral vagel, is
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: nicknamed the state of social engagement. It's nicknamed that because
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: when we feel safe, we desire to connect. And so
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: having the power of your mind to tell yourself the
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: most objective truths and to recognize when there are stories
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: there that aren't based in truth, they're not valid. Right,
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: It's not valid to tell yourself, well, I'm not loved,
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: because you know, every couple I've ever worked with with
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: the DA partner has said, I always ask them, do
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: you love your wife? Do you love your husband? I
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: love them so much, of course I love them, But
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: yet the spouse is over here saying I'm not loved,
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: and it's like, well, yes, because their trauma responses are
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: creating a story in you that you're not loved. And yes,
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: let's be honest, it's not meeting your needs sure, right,
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: and it's doesn't feel like love to you, and we
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: can be honest about that. But it doesn't mean that
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: their subjective experience is not.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: Love, right.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: They do love you, and the way that they have
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: the capacity to the problem is their low capacity to
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: love in a healthy way. So that doesn't mean I'm
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: telling you to stay with them. You don't have to
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: accept low capacity, but you also don't have to break
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: your own heart and tell yourself it's because you are
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: somehow not enough or unworthy or defective or whatever.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: This is why it's so important, like, especially in your
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: practice and coaching from the lens of attachment, because I
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: get a lot of messages where people kind of want
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: to skip over that part.
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that luck, good luck come into security.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, and you really can't, because in order to
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: understand yourself on a deep level and understand others, specifically
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: your partner, you have to have that strongoud, foundational understanding
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: of all the different attachments, what they mean and what
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: it looks like, so that you don't break your own heart.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: Right. So awareness helps with that, right when people become
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: aware that their partner isn't just trying to be mean
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: by shutting down. They're not trying to stonewall you because
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: they're mean. They're stonewalling you because their nervous system is
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: so frozen they don't know what to say, they don't
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: know what to do. And frozen is a state freeze
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: or a dorsal veagel shutdown is a state of immobility.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: It's a state of I can't right. It's a state
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: of dissociation. I don't know, I can't I don't know right.
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: That's why DA say I don't know when you ask
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: them how they feel. They're frozen, they don't know. They
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: can't access their emotions, they're associated from them. So yes,
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: they don't know.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: They've already they don't know.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: They really it doesn't meant to accept.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: It if they continue to choose to not know.
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: Right, Because this is the thing. That's why I think
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: my very first mega mega viral social media post was
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: debunking if they wanted to, they would because it's not
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: a want issue, it's a issue. Yeah, and I know,
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: we've had a whole episode on that, right, So I
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: don't want to you did.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: I mean there was a whole movie on it, like
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: he's just not that into you. You could debunk that
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: whole movie.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And so while I will say, is like in
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: the dating phases of relationships, Okay, maybe somebody's not that
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: into you, maybe they're not that physically attracted to you
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: after a date, and then yeah, they don't want to.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: But we're talking about long term relationships. We're talking about
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: there's already been lots of intimacy. There's already been a
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: life built with this person, or a relationship with significant
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: attachment built with this person. They don't all of a
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: sudden one day be like, you know what, I never
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: really loved you. I've just been here for shits and giggles. No, yeah, please, no,
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: absolutely not. They don't just stop wanting to It's it's
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: not how it works. It's their nervous system becomes so
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: dysregulated into their unique attachment trauma responses over time that
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: they don't know how to get out of it.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 36:56
  Speaker 2: Right, So it's sort of like running for the dismissive avoidance,
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: like running a marathon, like how do your niece feel
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: in mile one versus like mile ten or mile whatever.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: You know, they wear out over time, Their nervous system
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: wears out over time, So first they don't have capacity.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: For those partners who maybe are getting that response from
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: their significant other, like, because I think that happens a lot.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: I know that I've spoken to people who've come into
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: your practice. One in particular that's coming to mind, where
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: you know, her husband had come to her and just said,
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: I don't love you, I never did love you. And
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: you're you know, you're talking about people who had been
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: married for over ten years, shared three children together, and
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: he was just kind of checking out. And and I
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: want to be careful how I say this, because of
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: course I don't in her experience. I think she was
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: using maybe some of your practices and the knowledge and
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: your content to kind of excuse that behavior. And and
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: so I ask this because I think it's something that
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: probably a lot of people deal with. And so when
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: is it okay to excuse it and not excuse it?
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's never okay to excuse it. It's okay
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: to understand it and have empathy around it, but never
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: excusing it. So I would say that that is not
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: the most common situation that I see. The most common situation,
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: by far is the DA saying of course I love
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: my wife or of course I love my husband. Have
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: I seen cases where people come in and say I
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: don't love my partner. Yeah, but I've seen it from
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: all different attachment styles. So people can fall out of love.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: But if they fall out of love, they get a divorce.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: The people that stay when they still love their partner,
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: that's why they stay. Right. So when somebody comes up
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: and says I don't love you, I never loved you,
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: I want a divorce, okay, maybe that person's a sociopath, yeah,
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: because it would take, honestly, some sociopathic like dissociation to
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: have built a life and had children with somebody that
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: you never ever ever.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: Loved and to be able to buy it out loud.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: I'm not buying it, you know what I am buying
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: that person deactivated and their deactivating thoughts are so strong,
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: and we know dismissive.
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: Avoidance an affair for okay, there you right?
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: Okay, So again, feelings are so transient. That's why you
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: can't follow them, right, That's why we feel them. And
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: then decide, we don't just follow the feeling we feel,
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: and then we use discernment, And so I think this
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: person probably wasn't feeling. Probably a dismissive avoidant who was
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: deactivated in their relationship, totally numb to partner, totally feels
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: like partner was the root of all of their pain
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: and woes and problems, and they makes them feel like
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: a brand new person.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: So predictable.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: And then they, you know, say, oh, I never loved
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: you because you don't make me feel like the affair
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: partner they did in the beginning. I know they did. Yeah,
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: that's why the DA fantasizes about their exes. They literally
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: the phantom X syndrome is so real for the DA.
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: They fantasize about their ex I'm sitting here like, oh, no,
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: my DA partners are fantasy and husband math my exes.
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: No.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: I do not care if they are or they aren't,
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: because I love my husband and I couldn't care less honestly.
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: But it's true. They fantasize about their exes. And I
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: even know when I was dating a dismissive avoidant, I
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: know he was still had it for his X, but
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: he didn't during the divorce. He didn't during the relationship.
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: It was only and why is it? It's only because
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: when they truly become unavailable that it feels safe to
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: have those feelings for them. That's how their nervous system works,
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: right when someone is unavailable, that's when they start feeling
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: for them.
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: My people are so perplexed and enthralled with the DA,
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: and I mean it, it actually enthralls me because it
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: for so many reasons, like that's a painful place to be.
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: So painful, like DA has a ton of pain. They
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: just have this brilliant ability to dissociate from it, which
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: most of us don't have. Most people walking around with
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: any other attachment style, secure or fearful or anxious, preoccupied,
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: they may have some dissociative ability. I'd say the AP
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: has the least amount, But they can't stay there for
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: as long as the DA can live like their whole
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: life there, which is very very interesting to me, because
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: when you're cut off from negative pain, you're cut off
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: from joy. Joy is a state of safety, and safe
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: safety is a state of joy. It's they're intertwined, and
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: so the DA's deactivating thoughts are what is taken over
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: here that I don't love you and I never loved
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: you is a deactivating thought. It's a thought coming from
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: the wounds around intimacy that are trying to push someone
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: who learned that intimacy ultimately leads to dismissal or rejection
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: away from intimacy. Right because I'm sorry. Six months with
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: an a fair partner is an intimacy. I don't care
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: how much you've talked about things. I don't care how
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: much you've had sex with them. You don't know them.
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: It's not real.
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: You don't know them yet.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: You're living in a fake kind of world anyway.
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: The pressures aren't there yet in the first six months.
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: I mean not to bring it up because it's been
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: so viral, but I mean think about you know, the
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: CEO the Coldplay concert, like in.
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: That that guy is the whole shoot.
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I mean that whole situation, I think, and even.
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: The wife's letter. The wife's letter showed insecurity, it showed
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, but she she was coming across as like
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: so I don't care, So you're a clown. And that
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: was fueled by complete and utter.
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: I didn't read it.
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: Bitterness. Oh girl, you got to google it.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: Hold on his hit. The CEO's wife her statement.
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: She should read her statement, read it, google it. They
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: do this song like Joe Rogan, They pull stuff up.
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: We need we need we need somebody that can pull
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: stuff up real quick. We need a little helper. Yeahita,
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: Andy Byron B.
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: Is that his name be y r o N? I
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: think might be wiker on chat gbt Andy Byron B.
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: I b y r o N. I believe, I believe.
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry if I miss spell that state. Read his
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: wife's statement. Let's read it, yep, and you tell me
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: what you think of it. This is my opinion. It's
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: not defamation. It's my opinion.
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: Yes, she's thinking.
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: Chatty's thinking, chatty, chatty, Come on, chatty.
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: Why she's thinking? I was just gonna say, like, see
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: if I can pull it up too, Hold on, I'm
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: just gonna google. Oh yeah, those who expect tears, I
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: don't crown cry for clowns. I schedule.
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: Let's see. Let's read the whole statement.
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: Well, this is just a piece, all right. Let's see
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: a document I rebuild she sounds.
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: Formal statement from Megan Byron. Let's see, and of course
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: it won't is it thinking? It's blurry why okay, here
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: we go, Come on Instagram, don't family? Now okay, it
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: has come to my attention, and apparently to the attention
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: of half the Internet, that my husband, Andrew Byron, has
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: made certain dot dot dot choices public ones under stadium
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: lights during a Coldplay concert, a venue not typically associated
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: with infidelity. But here we are. Let me be perfectly clear.
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: I am not issuing this statement in defense nor in heartbreak.
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: I am issuing it in power, in precision, in silk
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: gloves and sharpened wit. I will not be engaging in
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: performative forgiveness, nor am I interested in the optics of
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: quote grace. What Andy has done is not just humiliating.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: It's banal. It's common, a man of a man of
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: ambition brought down by his own astonishing lack of imagination.
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: I have retained counsel, I have reviewed holdings. I have
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: reallocated was what was once quote hours into what is
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: now very cleanly mine. I am not spiraling, I am ascending.
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: And while Andy may have quoted cold Plate in his statement,
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: I will simply say when the lights went out, I
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: saw everything clearly. To those who expect tears, I don't
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: cry for clowns, I schedule, I document, I rebuild. This
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: is not revenge, its refinement, and he will feel it
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: in the silence that follows.
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: I actually think that's really powerful.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: I disagree.
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I disagree, Why.
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: Because I think it's not authentic.
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: You think deep down she's really hurt, She's in a
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: ton of pain.
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: Of course, she said she contradicted herself in the entire statement,
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: this was humiliating, But I don't care. You're telling me
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: you felt humiliated, but then you don't care. That is
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: a complete and utter contradiction in and of itself. I
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: think that is a woman who is very, very angry,
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: and who wants to portray herself as someone who isn't angry,
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: who is unbothered by the fact that she was publicly
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: humiliated all over the internet by her husband. You just
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: mentioned the word humiliating, but then you also say, but
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: it's common. So what, I don't cry for clowns. I'm
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: not buying that you didn't shed a tear, my dear,
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: And I'm not about to knock her down because look,
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: in my opinion, her husband is kind of a scumbag. Yeah, okay,
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: And I don't I don't like cheaters, Okay, because his
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: and why do I think he's a scumbag? Not just
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: for cheating people cheat Okay, but his statement in response
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: lacked accountability, And that's why I think he's kind of
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: a skuy.
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: He could have fallen on the sword.
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: He could have fallen on the sword. He just said
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: what I did.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: He absolutely should he should have.
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: He could have said what I did was unacceptable. I
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: realize now that I've hurt so many people, and I'm
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: so deeply sorry for everybody. Her marriage sucked, maybe it did.
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: Maybe maybe maybe she's like, thank God, I mean, maybe.
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm I'm willing to play Devil's advocate here. Yeah,
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: but I think that I see. I think I read
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: pain disguised as power.
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think I think there's enough. Like if
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: it were me, if this were me, and I was
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: Megan Byron right and I had to put out a
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: statement because listen, my husband cheated all over the place
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: and everybody knew but me, okay, I would say, wow,
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: this is really really painful, and it does feel humiliating.
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: And right now I'm really sad, and right now I
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: feel kind of like I don't know what's coming for
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: me and how this is going to feel in two
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: weeks and two months and two years. But ultimately I
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: believe in myself enough to know that I'm going to
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: make it through. I think that's more authentic. Then I'm
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: going to put on my silk gloves and review our
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: holdings and not cry for clowns.
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I wonder if the clowns though, refer to maybe
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: it's twofold, like refers to her husband and all the
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: internet trolls.
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean that could definitely be it for sure.
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: But here's what I'm saying, right, I don't know how
• 48:06
  Speaker 2: we got on this tangent.
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we were just I don't know either, but but
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: we can pull it back to the conscious mind.
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: The conscious mind, I think that was her conscious mind
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: trying to override her subconscious mind, which was probably saying, wow,
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: this is a huge humiliating rejection and it hurts right.
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: And again, the story, it's the story that we tell ourselves.
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: And I don't think her story was authentic. I'm just
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: not getting that vibe. But again, I know Jack nothing
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: about the intricacies of their marriage, So maybe she's over it.
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: Maybe she detached from the marriage long ago.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, we said in an earlier episode were maybe
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: there was an infidel, I know what, we wanted our
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: exes to cheat on us so that we could get out.
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: Maybe that's how she you know, maybe, And in that case,
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: I will walk, I will completely retract.
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: But I think you make a very valid point because
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: it does seem a little over the top. And what's
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: gonna sort of bite her in the butt possibly about
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: a statement like that is you don't really know what's
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: coming for you in terms of the emotional pain that
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: you'll feel through the process of a huge divorce that
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: I can only imagine what that will look like for
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: them publicly and financially. You don't know what's to come,
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: and so she may feel things that she's never felt
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: before after the fact that she made this really powerful
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: statement to me.
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: That reads emotional suppression. It just reads suppression. It just
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: reads I don't care, I'm gonna move on, I'm powerful
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: and whatever it's behind me now. And you know what, girl,
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you've gone through a divorce before,
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: but there are many layers and stages of what you
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: will feel when you go through a divorce, even far
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: beyond when it's final. And so to me, you know what,
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: But maybe that's what she needed to do to feel
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: like she could say face to feel like she did
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: have something. Just get to the next step, right, But
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: I think I think that was a curated, conscious story.
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: I don't think it was an objective truth. And what
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to teach people to do is to come
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: to an objective truth. If something vulnerable, no matter how vulnerable,
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: if something hurts, you admit that it.
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: Hurts with no shame.
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: With no shame. This hurts, And what am I going
• 50:26
  Speaker 2: to do about it?
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because until you admit that you can't move on,
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: you can't.
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: You're suppressing.
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're suppressing. She needs you.
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: Oh mag mag color. I'm here, and I'm not here
• 50:39
  Speaker 2: to knock you. My god, I can't imagine what I
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: know what I went through and the humiliation that I
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: felt just knowing that, like my husband's hometown all knew
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: that he was cheating on me and I didn't know.
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: So I can't even imagine what you're going through. So
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: let me let me backstep and provide some empathy here.
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: I know she has to be hurting on some level.
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: I mean, even if she wants out.
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: Of the marriage. She's just hurting for her children.
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: It out of my marriage and it was still painful.
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: So it's not always that black and white. And I
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: just saw a couple the other day where one person
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: and the couple got into the relationship that they were in.
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: It was a couple session immediately post divorce, and her
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: story was I grieved the marriage being over for years
• 51:29
  Speaker 2: before it was over. But then I saw the level
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: of attachment dysfunction in the current relationship and it made
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: me think, but I guess you probably just didn't process.
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: You probably were suppressing. Right of fearful avoidance and dismissive
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: avoidance can be guilty of suppressing and then moving on
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: without having coped and grieved a past relationship properly at all.
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: I've done it and it ended up disastrous, always does,
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: and people disagree with me.
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: I think.
• 52:04
  Speaker 2: One of the most hated videos I had on the
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: internet was like, give yourself time to grieve a relationship
• 52:09
  Speaker 2: before you jump into a new relationship. So many people
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: came at me. I met my husband while I was
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: still getting a divorce and we're great, Okay, Well you're
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: probably the exception then, because most of the time people
• 52:20
  Speaker 2: jump into new relationships as a band aid to their
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: pain or to a distraction or suppression tool for their pain,
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: depending upon how it's used.
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: I've never seen somebody who I mean, the people that
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: I know that have gone from one relationship to another
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: long term relationship are still suffering in their current relationship.
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: My year of healing and grieving and fixing myself is
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: the best decision I've ever made in my entire life,
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: besides accepting Jesus into my heart and having my kids
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: and my husband, you know. But in terms of like,
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't have what I have now if I didn't
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: do that. And so again this is where the conscious
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: mind and coming to your an objective truth and my
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: truth is God's word. Yeah, and that's big for me.
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: Because it's going to be my next question. So you
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: just answered my next question. Like in your experience as
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: a coach, like what's the one like the one conscious
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: mindset shift you can make like small, Okay, that can
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: transform you.
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: So if you first you have to learn the power
• 53:20
  Speaker 2: of observation, and I teach the tools to get there,
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: because it's not easy. Yeah, go through a whole day
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: trying to challenge your thoughts and tell me how many
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: times you actually notice your own thoughts. At first, it's
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: going to be like zero, and you have to build
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: upon that skill, just like riding a bike. And there's
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: some hacks and there's some tricks that I teach, but
• 53:38
  Speaker 2: you know, ultimately the power of observation has to come first,
• 53:42
  Speaker 2: and then the power of truth telling has to be there.
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: So you have to have some standard as to what
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: to hold your conscious mind against, right if people don't
• 53:53
  Speaker 2: want to go there. For me personally, it's Christ's commandment's
• 53:56
  Speaker 2: loving God, loving others, and loving yourself, right like loving
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: others as yourself, which implies you has to love yourself
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: because you can't love other people if you hate yourself.
• 54:05
  Speaker 2: So maybe I should repent saying scumbag because that's kind
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: of a spirit of accusation. Okay, Satan in Jesus name,
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: I just rebuke that, and I repent for that because
• 54:16
  Speaker 2: I don't know the man, and I do what he
• 54:19
  Speaker 2: did was scumbag ish in his statement. His lack of
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: accountability was not cool with me. So we'll stick with
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: the behavior instead of the accusation against the person. Okay,
• 54:28
  Speaker 2: So my truth is that right, And so I tried
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: to catch those things, just like I did in this moment,
• 54:34
  Speaker 2: just right in this moment, I said, wait a second,
• 54:36
  Speaker 2: I just called somebody I don't know. It's comebag, that's
• 54:38
  Speaker 2: not loving to my neighbor. I'm going to evaluate the
• 54:41
  Speaker 2: behavior instead of the person.
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 54:43
  Speaker 2: I don't like his behavior, right, but I don't know him, right,
• 54:46
  Speaker 2: And it's not my job to be in an accusation again,
• 54:49
  Speaker 2: And you.
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: Can hold empathy for him while also not agreeing with
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: what he does. So two things can be true.
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: Once, absolutely, he's a flawed human obviously, But of accountability
• 55:00
  Speaker 2: bothers me quite a bit because I'm all about accountability, right,
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: and so so I'm gonna hold myself accountable here. But
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: if you aren't faith based and you know that's not
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: your jam, you have to have some objective truth. So
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: I tell people like, look at your values. Do you
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: consider yourself a kind person? Is that a kind thought?
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: Is that a kind statement? Is that a kind action? Right?
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: It starts with a thought if you're a patient person, right,
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: are these thoughts being patient? Or if you know you
• 55:27
  Speaker 2: have to have some line in the sand, or else
• 55:30
  Speaker 2: you can convince yourself that literally anything is true. And
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: I think That's the hardest thing for my non Christian
• 55:35
  Speaker 2: clients is like, if they, for example, struggle with jealousy,
• 55:39
  Speaker 2: then they might always be focusing on like, well, what
• 55:42
  Speaker 2: if my partner as cheating? What if this means they're cheating?
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: What if that means they're cheating? And they're like, well,
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know if he's cheating. How do I know
• 55:46
  Speaker 2: for sure? I'm like, You're never going to know for sure.
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: But what you can do is say what evidence do
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: I have right now? And I have to live with
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: whatever evidence I have right now, right And and of
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: course I think really becoming strong in the relation to
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: yourself gives you a very good intuition, and so that's
• 56:09
  Speaker 2: all you can use, right. You can't go back and
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: forth with the what if. It has to be even if, okay,
• 56:14
  Speaker 2: even if he's cheating, So then what does that mean
• 56:16
  Speaker 2: for you? Right? And if you don't have any evidence
• 56:21
  Speaker 2: that he's cheating, then what does that mean for you?
• 56:23
  Speaker 2: Why are you? Why are you? I think you need
• 56:26
  Speaker 2: to creating evidence.
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: I think you need to patent the what if to
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: even if if.
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: That's what I well, is that a word patentable?
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: If what's her name? Can like do a whole movement
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: on let them. I feel like you can do a
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: whole movement on changing what if to even if.
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: I mean honestly, that's that's the resilience that secure people
• 56:48
  Speaker 2: have that insecure people don't. Yeah, secure people are like, Okay,
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: well even if I guess I'm gonna have to figure.
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: It out, Yeah, I'll cope, I'll cope, I.
• 56:58
  Speaker 2: Will face it again. It's about being able to face
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: pain at the end of the day. Secure attachment is
• 57:04
  Speaker 2: like secure people face their pain. Insecure people don't know how.
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: They run from it, They band aid it, they suppress it,
• 57:10
  Speaker 2: They do everything under the sun except face it. And
• 57:14
  Speaker 2: you will only heal if you freaking open the door
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: and look at the monster in the closet, which is
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: your pain, which is your past, which is your shame,
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: which is everything.
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: And is your conscious mind, which.
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it starts with your thoughts. And then the
• 57:29
  Speaker 2: only way to change the subconsciousness through experience. So if
• 57:32
  Speaker 2: you change your conscious mind, you will bring about new
• 57:35
  Speaker 2: experiences that will then rewire the subconscious mind. Right, So
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: it starts with the cost, starts with the conscious mind.
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: If that is exactly right, that's exactly why I'm doing
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: this episode because you can't directly go in and change
• 57:46
  Speaker 2: the subconscious. The subconscious only learns through your fault experiences.
• 57:50
  Speaker 2: So if you can change your conscious mind to create
• 57:52
  Speaker 2: different fault experiences, that's going to rewire the subconscious. And
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: that ultimately is how attachment healing works over time and
• 57:59
  Speaker 2: strengthens over time.
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: And this is exactly what Doctorhinsley teaches in her hybrid
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: group program.
• 58:03
  Speaker 2: So much more and so so much more and many
• 58:06
  Speaker 2: actual real tools and strategies to get you there quickly.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'd listened to you talk on these episodes
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: that are really scientifically based, and I'm always so enthralled
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: and always feel like I walk away learning something from them.
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: So I can only imagine hopefully our listeners feel the
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: same way. Because I've been friends with her for like
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: eight years or seven years. We had our Facebook friendship
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: anniversary yesterday.
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: I don't think I was even on Facebook history.
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: I wasn't really either, but I saw it. It was
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: like the first thing that popped up when I got
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: them last night. Yeah, and it was actually seven years
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: friends of versary. But I mean, even after seven years,
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: I feel like I gained so much. I need to
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: go back through your hybrid group again, because it's it's
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: imperative and the things that you teach and the things
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: that you can learn.
• 58:53
  Speaker 2: It's you can change your life.
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: You can you can changange life in so many ways,
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: in so many ways. And so if you are looking
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: to learn the skills that doctor Hinsley just went over,
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: I won't even try to replicate all the things she said.
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: She's got that big brain energy over here and I'm
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: just over here like, oh my gosh, like just so
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: mind blowing. Please go see her at the lovedoc dot com.
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: For all of our listeners, we offer a special promo
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: code love Doc twenty seven for twenty seven percent off
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: any of her courses, any of her groups, and also
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: any of Coach Elizabeth's groups. So please go check that out.
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: And please, while you're at it, go check out our
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: patreons account. Please. We love you guys, and we love
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: those of you that listen every week. We are so thankful,
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: We're so grateful. Like this, We've said it all that,
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: we say it all the time, but this is absolutely
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: our favorite thing.
• 59:47
  Speaker 2: Today, favorite thing about what I do, favorite.
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: And I want to grow it. We want to grow
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: it and like, just share it with your friends.
• 59:54
  Speaker 2: Yes, share it please, if you find something valuable you know,
• 59:57
  Speaker 2: send the link to your friends. We would be honored
• 59:59
  Speaker 2: if you shared us with your friends because we want
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: to ultimately help people. Ultimately help people feel better in
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 2: their own skin and in their own lives, and in
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 2: their own relationships and with their relationship to theirselves.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: And feel, you know, feel relatable. Like we always want
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: to be very relatable. Obviously we're best friends, but we
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: want to be best friends with all of you too,
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: So please go check us out and go see doctor
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: Hinsley at the loovedoc dot com. And until next time, peace,
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: love and perspective