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Priceless Tips To STOP Being A People Pleaser · Two Broke Chicks

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  Speaker 1: This podcast is recorded on gadigal Land Always was, always
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  Speaker 1: will be Aboriginal Land. Hey Chicks, I'm sal and I'm
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  Speaker 1: and this is two Broke Chicks to show that shares
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  Speaker 1: life lessons and tips to help make you rich in life.
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  Speaker 1: And today we are joined by Holly as a party,
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  Speaker 1: the author of The People's Please, A Guide to Saying
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  Speaker 1: Yes to You, A crash course in setting boundaries and
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  Speaker 1: putting yourself first.
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  Speaker 2: Hey Ellie, Hey gals, thanks for having me today.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you for coming on. We're so excited to have
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  Speaker 1: you two. And we do like to start these episodes
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  Speaker 1: off with a life lesson of the week. So what
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  Speaker 1: have you got for us? Because I feel like you
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  Speaker 1: have a lot of inspiration from this week.
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  Speaker 3: I have a lot to share and to be succinct.
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  Speaker 3: The life lesson this week is about polarity and how
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  Speaker 3: you can actually exist in two states of emotional being
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  Speaker 3: at the same time. So the example I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: give this week is a big week for me.
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  Speaker 2: I've launched my second book.
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  Speaker 3: I've left my husband and my daughter, I've jumped.
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  Speaker 2: On the plane.
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  Speaker 3: I'm having all of the launchers and interviews and signings
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  Speaker 3: at the same time as one of the most awful
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  Speaker 3: grief stricken traumatic experiences is going on behind the scenes
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  Speaker 3: with one of my closest people in my life, and
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  Speaker 3: without giving details, it's one of those experiences where when
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  Speaker 3: it started to unfold two weeks ago, the not in
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  Speaker 3: my stomach was firstly grieving deep shock and grief alongside
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  Speaker 3: my friend and at the same time guilt around I'm
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  Speaker 3: about to ramp up promotion for my book, and it
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  Speaker 3: just for two weeks there was so confusing. How do
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  Speaker 3: I exist in this state of showing up and holding
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  Speaker 3: support and space for my friend who is in the
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  Speaker 3: lowest of low she has ever been in. We've grown
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  Speaker 3: up together, We've experienced every life experience together, and this
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  Speaker 3: is the most traumatic deep experience by far. And then
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  Speaker 3: I meant to jump on a plane and go and
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  Speaker 3: be in my shine and be in my light and
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  Speaker 3: celebrate my book. And it's actually not a coincidence that
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  Speaker 3: I speak about this in my book, which is how
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  Speaker 3: can you still remain in your shine in moments of
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  Speaker 3: your life that you are celebrating when people in your
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  Speaker 3: life are experiencing hardship, Because that's the nature of life.
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  Speaker 3: You are not always going to be in shine alongside
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  Speaker 3: all of the people in your life. Also being in shine,
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  Speaker 3: you're going to go through the peaks and troughs and
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  Speaker 3: the ebbs and flows. And so what I've come to
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  Speaker 3: really rely on this week is, firstly, my friend wants
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  Speaker 3: to see me celebrated and in shine, even in her hardship.
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  Speaker 3: She's like, go out, like, keep these books us, like,
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  Speaker 3: just have the best launch ever.
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  Speaker 2: I want to see you in your light.
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  Speaker 3: I don't want you to be canceling things because of
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  Speaker 3: this experience. But also more than that, is what I've
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  Speaker 3: come to learn. The more that we can unapologetically tap
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  Speaker 3: into and hold our shine and our celebration, the more
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  Speaker 3: we're able to show up for the people in our
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  Speaker 3: life who need us. So the more that I'm getting
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  Speaker 3: filled up by the celebration this week, the more I'm
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  Speaker 3: able to go and literally last night spend five hours
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  Speaker 3: on her couch, crying with her, holding space for her,
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  Speaker 3: and really being present with her because I've been filled
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  Speaker 3: up in those ways. So it's been a real space
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  Speaker 3: of confusion, but I've come to lean into polarity and
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  Speaker 3: going you can be in grief and celebration in the
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  Speaker 3: same moment. The two can coexist and rather than wronging
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  Speaker 3: ourselves for that, allowing yourself to be more present with
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  Speaker 3: each emotion as it arises, and almost being the example
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  Speaker 3: for other people in your life and giving them permission
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  Speaker 3: to feel what they're feeling in any given moment as well.
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  Speaker 4: Wow, that is so powerful. Yeah, you're sharing that with us.
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  Speaker 4: And also we're so sorry to hear about your luck
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  Speaker 4: and your friend's last thank you. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so tough, and because I think a lot
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  Speaker 1: of people can relate to that, whether something is happening
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  Speaker 1: in their life or somebody that they know in their life,
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  Speaker 1: even just with a lot of the things that are
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  Speaker 1: happening in the world at the moment, Absolutely it can
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  Speaker 1: feel really trivial to celebrate the good things in life
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  Speaker 1: when there are so many awful things happening around the world.
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  Speaker 1: So I think that is such a solid reminder for
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  Speaker 1: everybody at any point. So thank you so much for sharing.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you, it's amazing.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, my life lesson is a little bit of spicey tech,
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  Speaker 4: But my life lesson of the week is that you
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  Speaker 4: can do an absolutely stellar job and there will still
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  Speaker 4: be people telling you you didn't deserve it, and Basically,
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  Speaker 4: this comes from watching that this week a bunch of
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  Speaker 4: incredible women in media were invited to the government in
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  Speaker 4: Canberra to discuss the budget.
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  Speaker 2: And I have never.
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  Speaker 4: Been more disappointed to see some of the media that
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  Speaker 4: came out in response to this.
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  Speaker 1: One of the quotes which I will share.
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  Speaker 4: To give a little bit of a recap, there were
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  Speaker 4: some incredible women that have the creditation to be invited.
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  Speaker 4: They either are financial advisors, they have journalism degrees like
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  Speaker 4: Hannah Ferguson from Cheek tash in Best Emma Edwards like
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  Speaker 4: these women are so incredible and powerful within this space
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  Speaker 4: and absolutely.
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  Speaker 2: Deserve to be here.
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  Speaker 4: So here's a quote from the Financial Review. Faced with
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  Speaker 4: a budget that no one wants to be out, the
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  Speaker 4: government's media strategists threw open the doors to self obsessed
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  Speaker 4: gen z and millennial influencers. They're also far less likely
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  Speaker 4: to be the ones to call out charmers playing funny
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  Speaker 4: with the numbers. What a result, and I just was
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  Speaker 4: disgusted by this. Also, the Age released an article saying
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  Speaker 4: the government invites influences to budget and what a loaded
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  Speaker 4: what a loaded headline. It's supposed to piss people off.
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  Speaker 4: It's supposed to discredit these women who have worked so
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  Speaker 4: so hard to take up space within financial media or
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  Speaker 4: just new media in general, which was very much a
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  Speaker 4: male dominated area traditionally, and for them to be invited
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  Speaker 4: to the government to discuss the budget is incredible. And
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  Speaker 4: they all did an amazing job. They did challenge things
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  Speaker 4: within the budget, they did report on it objectively, and
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  Speaker 4: I just was watching it and just thinking, fuck, you
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  Speaker 4: can do ten out of ten job, and there will
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  Speaker 4: always be people trying to bring you down, and just
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  Speaker 4: the life lesson as well of you will never look
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  Speaker 4: good trying to make someone look bad.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, I love that.
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  Speaker 4: I'm so tired of this narrative that influencers and content
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  Speaker 4: creators are bitchy or like, don't.
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  Speaker 2: Have intelligence, Yeah, they don't have any selling or not
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  Speaker 2: so anything.
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  Speaker 1: Like.
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  Speaker 4: I'm so tired of seeing that influencer events are bitchy
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  Speaker 4: or people aren't intelligent or whatever. And I don't think
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  Speaker 4: it's a coincidence that this is probably one of the
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  Speaker 4: most female dominated industries that this narrative is put around
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  Speaker 4: that everyone's fucking bitchy or caddy or stupid or ditsy
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  Speaker 4: or bimbowie.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm like, are we done yet? Yeah? Are we
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  Speaker 2: done yet?
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  Speaker 1: It's twenty twenty five?
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  Speaker 2: What is it going to take?
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  Speaker 4: Like, I can only speak to my experience within this industry.
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  Speaker 2: Everyone's fucking lovely. Yeah, that's tired.
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  Speaker 1: And there are so many incredibly smart, yeah, caring and
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  Speaker 1: empathetic people in this industry. And I think that's why
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  Speaker 1: they invited these people to sit in on the budget
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  Speaker 1: is because they know that that's how younger people consume
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  Speaker 1: media and connect with each other, and these are the
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  Speaker 1: channels that they can get through to that otherwise Like sorry, afar,
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  Speaker 1: but like gen Z isn't reading your yard.
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  Speaker 4: No, there's literally multiple studies that show that gen Z
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  Speaker 4: use social media to get their information and use more
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  Speaker 4: than they use a Google search engine.
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  Speaker 2: And to me, it's just giving threatened show up and
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  Speaker 2: shine any show up.
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  Speaker 4: And shine anyway, and literally you will never look good
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  Speaker 4: trying to make someone else look bad.
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  Speaker 3: I drove that, yeah road please, So.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay.
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  Speaker 1: My life lesson of the Week is kind of a
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  Speaker 1: callback to something that we've spoken about on the podcast
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  Speaker 1: before that it is your parents' first time at life
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  Speaker 1: and that I think it's really important to check in
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  Speaker 1: on your parents and make sure that they're doing okay.
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  Speaker 1: A lot of the time, we have this sort of
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  Speaker 1: dynamic with our parents that they're the ones who are
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  Speaker 1: checking in on you.
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  Speaker 2: I know it's not always the case.
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  Speaker 1: A lot of people have really different dynamics with their families.
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  Speaker 1: I know that I definitely do. But there's something that
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  Speaker 1: I've seen with someone who I'm really close with in
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  Speaker 1: my life, and you know, they had a family situation
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  Speaker 1: going on, and their parents sort of weren't divulging in
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  Speaker 1: the information to them because, you know, they don't want
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  Speaker 1: to burden them. They feel like, oh, well, you've got
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  Speaker 1: a lot going on with your work and you've you've
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  Speaker 1: got your own life. I don't want to stress you
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  Speaker 1: out about this. And I think in our parents' generation,
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  Speaker 1: they're so much more closed off than ours are, and
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  Speaker 1: they weren't raised with the same resources and conversations around
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  Speaker 1: mental health and talking about that. But they're still human
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  Speaker 1: at the end of the day. And I think that
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  Speaker 1: asking the question are you okay, where are you at
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  Speaker 1: with this? I've heard that you know this might be happening,
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  Speaker 1: and kind of just broaching that conversation and knowing that
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  Speaker 1: it might be a bit awkward. It might be a
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  Speaker 1: bit uncomfortable, but I think that at the end of
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  Speaker 1: the day, they are human and being asked those questions
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  Speaker 1: and given that space can give them an opportunity to
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  Speaker 1: open up. And I think it's just a good reminder.
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  Speaker 1: I think it's something that everybody will have to deal with,
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  Speaker 1: whether it is a parent or you know, a family
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  Speaker 1: member or a friend or somebody else who might be
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  Speaker 1: a little bit closed off. But I think just give
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  Speaker 1: them a little bit of grace and don't be afraid
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  Speaker 1: to ask the questions. It's really beautiful, all right, should
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  Speaker 1: we get into the episode.
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  Speaker 2: That's the way.
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  Speaker 4: I'm so excited for this because I think being a
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  Speaker 4: people pleaser is basically just rooted in us now, like
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  Speaker 4: I think everyone can relate to probably elements of their life.
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  Speaker 4: But also I do think people don't pick up on
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  Speaker 4: the fact that they are people pleasing at certain times.
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  Speaker 4: So what are five signs that your people please are?
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  Speaker 3: I love that it's not one sign, It's like five,
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  Speaker 3: give us five, yes, right, first sign? Well, one of
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  Speaker 3: the signs is you've got this deep seated resentment and
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  Speaker 3: you can't quite place who it's toward or where it's
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  Speaker 3: at but it's bubbling and simmering, and sometimes it can
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  Speaker 3: feel like anger. Sometimes it can feel like bitterness, but
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  Speaker 3: there's this feeling that's inside that is like I feel.
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  Speaker 2: Bitter, I feel resentful.
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  Speaker 3: Often people pleasers are cutting that along because they're not
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  Speaker 3: actually asking for what they want or what they need
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  Speaker 3: in their lives, and so the resentment can build up
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  Speaker 3: over time, and it could be resentment toward people that
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  Speaker 3: you love, friends and family, your partner, but because you
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  Speaker 3: haven't been vocal about the things that you need, or
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  Speaker 3: you've been putting your needs second to other peoples, that
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  Speaker 3: resentment starts to build up over time, and we can
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  Speaker 3: start to get quite, you know, snappy.
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  Speaker 2: Or just moody withdrawn.
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  Speaker 3: These sorts of behaviors can start to manifest. So that's
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  Speaker 3: a big sign. Another one is where you find yourself
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  Speaker 3: saying yes two more things than ideal. And an example
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  Speaker 3: is you might have had a really big week at
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  Speaker 3: work and it's your friend's birthday on Saturday night, but
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  Speaker 3: all you want to do is stay at hominge your
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  Speaker 3: two cats and.
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  Speaker 2: Rate and every fiber of your being.
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  Speaker 3: It's not just want to You don't want to celebrate
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  Speaker 3: your friend it's that your body is screaming at you
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  Speaker 3: that I just need to rest, but you say yes,
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  Speaker 3: and you go anyway, and then you end up getting
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  Speaker 3: a cold and that turns into a flu, and that
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  Speaker 3: turns into your systems run down.
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  Speaker 2: And down, and it feels quite personal.
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  Speaker 3: So catching yourself in the moments that you are saying
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  Speaker 3: yes when you want to be saying no. People pleaser
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  Speaker 3: hyper availability, and this is when we all do so.
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  Speaker 3: Examples are someone's texted you and you feel like you
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  Speaker 3: have to get back to them right away, or there's
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  Speaker 3: someone calling you and you're just not in the headspace
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  Speaker 3: to take the phone call, but you answer anyway, or
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  Speaker 3: that your dms on Instagram are like piling up and
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  Speaker 3: you know you can turn off the messages on your stories,
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  Speaker 3: but you keep them open because it's better for engagement,
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  Speaker 3: but it's actually exhausting you.
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  Speaker 2: People pleas are.
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  Speaker 3: Another thing that I see manifest physically in people pleases
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  Speaker 3: is some experience with fatigue or burnout, because and it's
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  Speaker 3: not every case, but a lot of the instances in
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  Speaker 3: my own personal life and in the personal lives of
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  Speaker 3: people close to me, we become fatigued, We become burned,
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  Speaker 3: out because we are not choosing things for ourselves. We
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  Speaker 3: are choosing to persevere with the nine to five that's
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  Speaker 3: draining us, and we're choosing to live in the environment
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  Speaker 3: that's actually really chaotic and activates anxiety in our systems.
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  Speaker 3: We're choosing certain behaviors that we know aren't good for us,
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  Speaker 3: and then over time have repercussions that could look like
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  Speaker 3: a burnout, a fatigue, a dreamal fatigue. Also, something that
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  Speaker 3: I experienced personally was just getting sick a lot. My
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  Speaker 3: immune system was constantly run down because I wasn't actually
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: taking moments of space for myself. If there was space
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  Speaker 3: in my calendar, I'll feel it. Yes, I'm free because
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  Speaker 3: my Sunday is free. So okay, I'll meet you and
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  Speaker 3: do that thing with you and then go do that thing.
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  Speaker 3: So space, I will say, is a little bit of
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  Speaker 3: a digression. Doesn't just because you have a spacing a
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  Speaker 3: calendar doesn't mean you're available. So it's also acknowledging that
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  Speaker 3: where are you carving out space for yourself?
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  Speaker 2: And I would say the fifth piece I think.
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  Speaker 3: We're at five is noticing where you're living from a
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  Speaker 3: place of should versus want, I should catch up with
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  Speaker 3: that person because they're so lovely and you know, they
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  Speaker 3: just want a half an hour of my time. I
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: should apply for that job because even though it looks
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  Speaker 3: like hectic hours, it's going to pay me really well.
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  Speaker 2: I should go to that group.
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  Speaker 3: Gathering, even though the WhatsApp chat is doing my head
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  Speaker 3: in and I'd rather have a night at home. It's
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  Speaker 3: becoming aware of your shoulds versus your wants.
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  Speaker 2: So people pleasers are shoulting all over themselves.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well yeah, five for five man.
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  Speaker 3: And the other one that I'll just bring astrochat into
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  Speaker 3: it just briefly. But if you have a Libra placement
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: strong lib replacement, people pleaser.
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  Speaker 2: So Libras are people please it. Oh yeah, they put
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: the needs of everyone before themselves. Oh, librasud libramoon, lib rising.
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  Speaker 2: Oh yeah.
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  Speaker 4: So if you have any Libra on your staff, signed you.
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  Speaker 2: Know I'm talking to you. Oh my gosh.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, because Libra struggles to make decisions, don't they.
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  Speaker 3: They're so indecisive and they're like, oh, okay, I'll just
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  Speaker 3: do everything for you, make you. They don't want conflict,
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  Speaker 3: conflict avoid avoiders conflict avoids.
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  Speaker 1: In the book, you explain that I guess our experiences
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  Speaker 1: with people pleasing can be explained quite a bit about
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  Speaker 1: our experiences in the past, our family history, things like that.
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  Speaker 1: Can you explain why that is and the science in that.
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  Speaker 3: It was a really interesting part of the process writing
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: this book where I started to join these dots around
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  Speaker 3: people pleasing and then chronic illness and then childhood trauma.
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  Speaker 3: And it was dots that were just joining in my
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: mind as I was writing. And you guys have had
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  Speaker 3: my sister on before, you know her experience with chronic
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  Speaker 3: illness and again reform people please the same with me,
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  Speaker 3: and I just knew through the lens of our own childhood.
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  Speaker 3: I'm like, there has to be science that bridges the
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  Speaker 3: gaps between all three and why I found was really interesting.
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  Speaker 2: So I'll read a couple of the studies, if that's okay.
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  Speaker 3: So one study I found documents a consistent association between
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  Speaker 3: childhood trauma and negative health consequences in adulthood, including stress
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  Speaker 3: related illnesses, suppressed immune functioning, and unexplained somatic symptoms. And
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  Speaker 3: another study found that adults with a higher ACE score
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  Speaker 3: so that stands for adverse childhood experiences something like abuse
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  Speaker 3: in the home or violence or emotional neglect, these sorts
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  Speaker 3: of things. The higher your ACE level, you're also at
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  Speaker 3: a higher risk of developing an autoimmune condition. So it
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  Speaker 3: evidence that exposure to traumatic toxic stress triggers changes in
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  Speaker 3: the immune system. And add to the above that children
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  Speaker 3: who have grown up with a multitude of acees are
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  Speaker 3: likely operating from a baseline of PTSD well into adulthood.
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  Speaker 3: So where kids running around with PTSD not even realizing
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  Speaker 3: we are, obviously we're already in that heightened stress response,
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  Speaker 3: in that state of like, I'm just need to do
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  Speaker 3: whatever I can to be safe, So I am going
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  Speaker 3: to be agreeable, I am going to put the needs
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  Speaker 3: of everyone else before myself. It is safe for me
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  Speaker 3: to sit down and be quiet and not advocate for
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  Speaker 3: myself and not set boundaries.
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  Speaker 2: As a child, then what this.
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  Speaker 3: Teaches us over time, repeat and behavior and all that
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  Speaker 3: is that.
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  Speaker 2: That's the safe thing to do.
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  Speaker 3: So putting others before yourself equates to safety because the
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  Speaker 3: stress and the PTSD is telling you that. And then
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  Speaker 3: what happens in adulthood is when you start to you know,
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  Speaker 3: you've been in this heightened stress response for a decade
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  Speaker 3: or two.
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  Speaker 2: This is when the chronic illness starts to manifest.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: This is where your body starts to say enough, you
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: have been putting the needs of everyone before me. And
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: this is when I was saying, you know, you could
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: get little niggles, you could get fatigued, you could get
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: sick more often, because we have just been so adamant
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: in being in safety, which meant putting other people before ourselves.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: And it's not until for me at least, I got
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: to this point of physical manifestation that I went, oh,
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: I actually cannot afford to choose anyone before me. Now
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: literally can't get out of bed, So I'm going to
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: have to start to look after myself first, say yes
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: to me and pick up the pieces from there.
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: Wow. So like I'm kind of coming back from everything
• 17:11
  Speaker 4: that you just said then that that's fucking wild. And
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: I also think it's so validating probably for a lot
• 17:17
  Speaker 4: of people to hear that it's not their fault.
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: It's not their fault.
• 17:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: When I did that research and realized and joy as
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: I wrote that part of the book, I was tears
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: streaming my face because I started to have more compassion
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: for that version of me. It's a part of the
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: book that My sister cried in as well, and she's
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: a tough nut to crack, but she.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Was the same.
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: Because it's like I feel so seen, seen and validated
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: and it's not my fault and it's not your fault.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: But when we know that, we.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: Can start to change things, which is literally the premise
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: of the book.
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah, because I do think that, like the term people
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: please are we throw around very lightly and that's okay,
• 17:57
  Speaker 4: like we can do that, but well, sometimes we don't
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: maybe recognize the gravity of identifying with that and being like, oh,
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: I'm just being a people pleaser or I'm just and
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: like maybe we don't even really see it as negative
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: as we should sometimes, Like maybe some people sometimes are
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: proud of being a people pleaser because they think it
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: makes them a nicer person or an agreeable person, and
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: they're like, oh, I don't like conflict, so like you know,
• 18:22
  Speaker 4: it's and they kind of try to reconcile with that
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: in a way that it's like they'd rather be a
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: people pleaser than be upsetting people. But I think you
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: speaking to all the negative impacts that it truly does
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: have on you and your nervous system.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Is really really powerful.
• 18:39
  Speaker 4: But I would love to know what are your zero
• 18:40
  Speaker 4: dollar hacks for regulating your nervous system and how do
• 18:45
  Speaker 4: they work.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: So when I wrote the book, something that was really
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: important to me was each of the practices around nervous
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: system regulation were free and readily available. I'm like, we
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: need to make this accessible, we need to make it easy.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: We see everyone jumping in the ice pass like, good
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: for them, I'm never going to do it.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: No, I'm never going to do it.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: And also so it can actually have negative repercussions for
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: someone in a heightened stress state, like an ice bath
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: for me, not okay, because my quorterzol is so high, I'll.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Get out and probably have a panic attack.
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: So I wanted to look at Okay, let's just break
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: it down to the minute task we can do every
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: day that are super easy and available. And I spoke
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: to a friend of mine who studied applied neuroscience and
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: human behavior about this, and the basis of all of
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: the practices I teach is actually rooted in what will
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: impact your heart rate variability or your HRV.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: So you see people wearing the whoop or that.
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: We're orring oh go friend, So I was wearing the
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: whoop row adding the book, and I was starting to
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: notice my HRV change in these really small, incremental ways.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: So the HRV tracks.
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: Your autonomic nervous system, which is made up of your
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: sympathetic in your parasympathetic nervous systems. So that's where my
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: brain went, Okay, I just need to do things and
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: track what markedly changes my HRV.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: Because I had a really really low HRV.
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: I was chronically unwell when I wrote this book, like
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't be able to sit here when I was
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: writing this book. It's been huge shifts in the last year,
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: and it's based on these really simple hacks. So I
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: spoke to Britt Wild and she shared the first thing
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: was morning sunlight.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: It's like, okay, so before you this is the trick.
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: Before you pick up your phone, before you look at
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: a screen, you get outside it can't be through a
• 20:22
  Speaker 3: glass window, and you get sunlight in your eyes. This
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: is going to impact your exposure to melatonin and your
• 20:28
  Speaker 3: circadian rhythms. What's going to happen there is actually one
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: of the highest biometric shifts in your HIV. Because once
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: you're working with your circadian rhythm in this way, you
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: get better quality sleep and we all know how important sleep.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: Is to our recovery.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: So your actual quality of sleep starts the minute you
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: open your eyes and get out into that sun. It
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: can be on a cloudy day, you're not like staring
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: in the sun. But yeah, I like to make my cacal.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: I go out a barefoot on the grass. It's like
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: all the bio hacking things. And then I stand outside.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: I'm just outside and the sunlight is there. So market
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: improvement in my HIV. Another example is hydration, and so
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: what I started to see is the quality of water
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: and how much I was drinking HIV. It's the biggest
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: it's the biggest improvement in most people's HIV is adding
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: electrolytes to your water. So I use the mini and
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: me Hydromamma ones. Yeah, they're cute, they're fun, we love them.
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: It's just adding extra quality to your water and regularity
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: of how much water you're drinking. Another one, I spoke
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: to a functional medicine practitioner and she spoke to me
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: about the importance of nutrition and how regularly you're eating
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: and the quality of food you're eating. So, for example,
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: before I spoke to her, I was never a snacker.
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: I just kind of have like my big breakfast and
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: then I have lunch in the arvo, and then I'd
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: have a big dinner. I was like, I don't need
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: any snacks. What was actually happening is I was experiencing hypos,
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: so I was going low in between meals.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: That trigger is a stress response in your system.
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: So then your sympathetic nervous system is on high alert
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: and your body feels unsafe.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: So how regularly you feed yourself?
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: Actually shouldn't be four hours between putting something in your
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: mouth to eat. How long should it be? It should
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: be like between two to three. You should be eating regularly.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: There's also I mean there's so many under the nutrition
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: segment alone in the book, but things like make sure
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: you eat your breakfast before you have your morning coffee
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: because that's gonna shift whether your body feels safe or on.
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: Protein is the other thing. So and I know I
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: was pescatarian for seventeen years.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: Oh wow, seven from sixteen.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: Until when I had my little girl three years ago,
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: and then something in mishifted. Obviously my body telling me
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: protein in your yeah, biggest meet inner you'll know in
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: the world. Wow, it's crazy. I speak about that in
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: the book to around identity. But protein and thirty grams
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: of protein per meal is what your body wants from
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: a nervous system perspective. So it's all these things that
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: are like little hacks you can do in your day,
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: and we've just set.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: You, set you up for breakfast like this so much more.
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: I talk about journaling, breath work, eft, all of these
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: incredible practices you can start to integrate into your day
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: or your week or your months. It's readily available and
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: have market improvements on your HRV and therefore your nervous system.
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: It's so true as well because when we like you
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: can track your stress with the Ura ring and it's
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: just wild, how like you do the little habits and
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: I'll look at it and I'm like, yeah, you can
• 23:25
  Speaker 4: fucking see, Yeah, you can.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: See, and it might not make sense.
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: I find it diabolical because you're like sometimes you sit
• 23:31
  Speaker 4: there and you're like, yeah, okay, sitting in the soul,
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: like that's not gonna do anything, And then you look
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: at you're like, fuck, it works, yeah, and.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: It jumps like twenty percent.
• 23:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah, Like when you actually become like regulated with moving
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: your body and you do it consistently, and you're like,
• 23:44
  Speaker 4: damn it, they were right. They fear they were correct
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: when they said that moving your body.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Will make you feel better.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: I'm like, fuck it, I know.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: But the good news is that it is like all
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: of the tips that you've mentioned just now are really
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: affordable and accessible.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: It's important.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So really, there's no excuse for the people pleasers
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: who are listening, two of which are in the room
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: with you right now.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: Hello.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: It can be really hard to set those boundaries, especially
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: when you're in that habit and routine. So what are
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: some strategies that we can introduce to start saying no.
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I love this question because it's not as it
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: doesn't have to be as confrontational as we think it's
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: going to be. I can talk about this because I promise,
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: I guarantee you. I was the OG people pleaser and
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: I had no boundaries and I've literally just written to
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: everything I've started to implement. And some of the first
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: things that I implemented was just being less readily available
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: to people. So that doesn't mean sitting down and saying
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: it out right. No, it looked like a few things
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: for me, I'd have my phone on, do not disturb
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: a lot more.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: I would never have it on do not disturb.
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: Before I was like please disturb me, like like I
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: am available to be disturbed, and now it's like no, unavailable.
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: When there were certain people in my life that I
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: have actually had to end relationships with, including a family
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: member and some friends, where I haven't felt that my
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: boundaries were actually ever going to be respected or acknowledged.
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: So I'm not saying that it's going to be easy
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: all of the time, but what's going to happen is
• 25:19
  Speaker 3: you're going to start doing these little incremental shifts, and
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: then there's going to be pushbacks. So examples are, you know,
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: my family member calling me and I know they'll be
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: upset with me if I don't answer, but I'm really
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: not in the headspace to answer, and I'd be answering
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: from a should versus a want, And so I'd screen
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: the call and then I get the backlash of you
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: didn't answer my call when I called you, and so
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: I'd just hold the boundary and then I'd get the
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: text message why are you ignoring me? And I'd just
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: write back, I'm not available to speak right now. These
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: sorts of things is like it's almost like you need
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: to just start to assert really micro boundaries like screening
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: the call, not being readily available in the texts, turning
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: off the replies on your stories, maybe leaving.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: The WhatsApp group scandalous.
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: And that could that could just be saying something along
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: the lines of, hey, guys, I'm just raining into my
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: tech use at the moment, my social media use, so
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: I'm just going to exit this group, love you all.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Bye.
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: Also, what you're doing is set in an example for
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: the other people in the group. I think something that
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: was really helpful for me at the time I started
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: to practice all of these is I was pregnant, so
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: I could really use that as the excuse of, like,
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: I'm just harnessing my energy, I'm just reining it in.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I'm just really focusing on me.
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: So that was a nice little kind of back, like, yeah,
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: back to rely on. But that said, it doesn't have
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: to be outright saying no, I'm not available and this
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: is a boundary of mine. I think when we come
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: like that, it's too harsh, and actually we create the
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: conflict that we want to avoid the biggest thing.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: Is being honest.
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: Just practicing honesty with the people in your life saying,
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: you know, if they've invited you to something and you
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: don't want to go, explaining I love you so much
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: and I'm in full celebration of you. I'd love to
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: take you to breakfast next week. I actually had a
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: huge week at work. I feel like I'm run down
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: and I just need to catch up on my sleep.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: It's not always going to be received well, but after
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: the first one, it's like any muscle, the more you
• 27:11
  Speaker 3: train it, the easier it becomes, and the stronger you get.
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: And I promise you, after the first two or three instances,
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: people are going to start to respond to you differently.
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: Because I say it in the book, we train people
• 27:23
  Speaker 3: how to behave with us. If we've always been a
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: yes girl, and we've always been I'll be their girl.
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: Then you will get pushed back when you start to
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: say no, I actually need to choose myself.
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: You will have the no in your stomach. It will
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable.
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: On the other side of that, it's just going to
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: become easier and easier, to the point where it's almost
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: like you're pruning a garden of the people in your life,
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: the people who really do love you and appreciate you
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: and want the best for you, are going to potentially
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: still feel hurt, but say I understand, and the people
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: who don't will disappear, They will remove yourself.
• 27:55
  Speaker 4: It's so powerful being that we train people of how
• 27:59
  Speaker 4: we want them to treat us. So there's been a
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: lot of conversation about how people can weaponize therapy speak
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: in quotations to avoid responsibilities. Where's the line between setting
• 28:11
  Speaker 4: boundaries and being selfish?
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: It's such a good question.
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: So actually my first book, The People Pleaser's Guide to
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: Putting Yourself First. So that's like the first one I
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: dissect the definition of selfish and actually look at because
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: I'm a word gal, and the definition of selfish is
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: basically rooted in doing something at the cost of someone
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: else to harm them. So selfishness has this connotation when
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: you look at what it's defined as as intentionally wanting
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: to hurt someone at the cost of you choosing yourself.
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: So we've kind of completely hijacked the definition of selfish. Yes,
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: we've gone, Oh, choosing myself too much makes me selfish.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: It's like, hang on a second, I don't know many
• 28:57
  Speaker 3: people that are actually actively going out of their way
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: to make someone else feel bad.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: By choosing themselves.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: Often times we're avoiding choosing ourselves because we don't want
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: to make the.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Other person feel instead of that.
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: So I think the first part of that is to
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: remind ourselves what selfishness actually is. That said, there can
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: be yeah, the weaponization of therapy speak absolutely and being like, oh,
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: I'm just asserting my boundaries and I'm just above or
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: you don't really understand where I'm coming from because I'm
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: doing the work.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: You know that.
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: I'm glad I've never had to have a conversation with
• 29:34
  Speaker 4: anyone like that.
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: Me too, No, but I hear it, hear it happens.
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: So firstly you question your friendship with that person. No,
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: I think the line is actually it lies in what
• 29:44
  Speaker 3: I was speaking about earlier, being aware of your shoulds
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: versus your wants. Now there are some shoulds that will
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: be your responsibilities. An example I give is, you know,
• 29:54
  Speaker 3: I love nothing more than going to a bottomless brunch
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: with my girlfriends. But if that was happening on a
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: Wednesday morning when I had to have a meeting with
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: my accountant because I run a business and that was
• 30:04
  Speaker 3: the only time I was going to see him, I
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: want to go and do that thing. But I should
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: be showing up for that meeting because it's a responsibility.
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: I have same goes for you know, I have my
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: dogs and so I don't want to be out there
• 30:18
  Speaker 3: cleaning up after them, but it's a responsibility of looking
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: after my dogs. So I think we need to get
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: really clear on our shoulds versus our wants. When we're
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: telling ourselves should that isn't a responsibility. That's when we
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: should shift into a want. Okay, when we're telling ourselves
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: our should that is a responsibility or a commitment we've made,
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: then we need to uphold that. And this is what
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: my big thing is, the flakiness of people who use
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: this as an excuse.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: It kills me.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: It's like, but you said you were you were going
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: to be there, and then you get the last minute
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: text of actually no I'm sick or actually no, okay,
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: you can get sick, but actually no, I.
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: Mean down every time.
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: It's every time, And it's like we'll stop making commitments
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: and saying yeah to things in advance.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: That it's the flakiness that we need to be aware of.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: Is if you've made a commitment to a friend and
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: you chose to say yes to them, uphold that you
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: made that choice. It's not about then, oh quickly on
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: the last mind in the morning, I really don't want
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: to go, so I'll make up an excuse and then
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: I'll tell a lie, and then I'll feel guilty all
• 31:18
  Speaker 3: day because I told a lie to my friend, and
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: your friend can feel that energy.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: To It becomes really messy.
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: So if you don't want to go to a thing,
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: say it up front. If you said yes, follow through,
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: like you've made a commitment to someone else, and that's
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: your responsibility as a friend.
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: Some tough love.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's so solid.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: And in the book as well, you talk a.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: Lot about your postpartum journey, which you did touch on
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: briefly earlier, and how that has completely transformed your life
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: and how you are pretty much a completely different person
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: when you were writing the first book versus now. Can
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: you talk us through that experience and how your I
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: guess attitude to boundaries has changed since then.
• 31:56
  Speaker 5: I am a hard ass now like I am so
• 31:59
  Speaker 5: on Oh my gosh, I am so I just give
• 32:02
  Speaker 5: less fus like And you'll talk to any mom and
• 32:05
  Speaker 5: they'll say the same thing when they become a mom.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: It's like, I literally do not have the capacity to care,
• 32:10
  Speaker 2: to care.
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: My first year of postpartum was really messed up. I
• 32:14
  Speaker 3: go in detail in the book, but it triggered me.
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: It cascaded me into complex PTSD, compound trauma, postpartum depression,
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: and I also had a multitude of chronic illness inflammation.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: It was just messy and it was a really awful time.
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: And so in that experience, every identifying factor of me disappeared.
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: I literally spent that year going who am I? It's
• 32:34
  Speaker 3: the first chapter of the book, Who am I? I
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: don't know who I am anymore? And how do I
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: even pick up the pieces when I don't relate to
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: who I was? But I have no idea where I'm going?
• 32:42
  Speaker 3: And so part of that that journey really informed the
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: development of an entire new identity, and I share in
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: the book the steps that I took to start to
• 32:53
  Speaker 3: find pieces of myself again, find joy again, find my
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: light again.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: And it was in places like joining community.
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: I hadn't I am a community theater girlie, and I
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: hadn't stepped on a stage since year twelve Musical Greece.
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: Musical, Yeah Mat.
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: And then next minute, like three years ago, I'm stepping
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: into this hall of people I don't know. Everyone's like, hey, like,
• 33:19
  Speaker 3: I don't know any of you, and doing an audition
• 33:21
  Speaker 3: for the local play fast Track to Now.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: And they're some of my best friends in the world.
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: And I have this outlet that's not motherhood and not
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: my work, that's just for me and just for joy,
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: and I get to be my fullest expression of self.
• 33:32
  Speaker 3: If I hadn't gone through the tumultuous time of motherhood,
• 33:35
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't have stepped into that version of me. So
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: part of that reidentifying, I've started to pick up pieces
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: that I had neglected or left behind in school, because
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: we get into adulthood and we tell ourselves, you.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: Know, it's time to be serious, so it's time to drop.
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: The ball and things we love and so that's been
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: an incredible part of who I've become because of that experience.
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: But yeah, the boundaries piece for me is when you
• 33:57
  Speaker 3: are so unwell and you have a little human relying
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: on your every beck and call, you just you don't
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: have time and space. So it gets to the point
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: where this was actually the moment that I decided to
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: end my relationship with my dad. I couldn't handle the
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: relationship as it was, and it wasn't going to change,
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: and it was adding unnecessary stress and overwhelm to the
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: point where it's the biggest decision I've ever had to
• 34:25
  Speaker 3: make in saying yes to myself. And I talk about
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: this in the book, But on the other side of it,
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: the liberation and the freedom and the oh my gosh,
• 34:33
  Speaker 3: I really did choose myself in that moment, and I
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: feel less anxious, I feel less stressed. I'm able to
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: focus on my healing now huge repercussions. Now that doesn't
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: mean everyone needs to go and become a strange from
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: a parent, but get it can be that, or it
• 34:47
  Speaker 3: can be ending a friendship.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: I did the same thing.
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: I had to end a friendship and say, I just
• 34:52
  Speaker 3: don't think it's serving us, either of us anymore. It
• 34:55
  Speaker 3: feels quite you know, I'm never good enough and I
• 34:58
  Speaker 3: don't like that feeling. And a little girl to look
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: after now, so I can't be in those feelings anymore.
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: So I think since becoming a mum, I've just become
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: much more radically honest and unapologetic in saying yes to
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: me in ways that pre motherhood I would have never
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: and I didn't, So yeah, it's been a game change.
• 35:17
  Speaker 4: What's like your biggest life lesson from that journey for
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: the chicks listening that you know maybe motherhood isn't on
• 35:24
  Speaker 4: the cards for them, or you know, not on the
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: cards for them for a long time. What's been like
• 35:29
  Speaker 4: your biggest life lessons of learning not to care?
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: It's so much scarier in your mind than what it
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: actually is when you start to assert really big boundaries.
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: What actually the fear lives in the lead up once
• 35:44
  Speaker 3: you've asserted you're free. The fear actually lives in how
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: long you delay and how long you put off and
• 35:51
  Speaker 3: how long you make excuses for the poor behavior or
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: how long you just do the shooting versus the wanting.
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: Once you actually start to uphold truth, liberation, freedom actually
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: feels so good on the other side.
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: So if you're in that space in between, that's where
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: the pain lives.
• 36:07
  Speaker 4: That's so cool. And I also wanted to wrap up
• 36:11
  Speaker 4: on one of the shiniest and brightest parts.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: Of your book.
• 36:16
  Speaker 4: But the purpose of your book is to embrace the
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: shiniest and brightest version of yourself. And you ask your
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: community what makes a person shiny and We would love
• 36:24
  Speaker 4: for you to share your top five from the list
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: that you shared in the book that we can use
• 36:30
  Speaker 4: as like our north star.
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: Oh. I love this one. It was such a good
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: part of the book.
• 36:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 36:34
  Speaker 3: The first one that I love is so many people
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: said their energy, their energy, like they just light up
• 36:40
  Speaker 3: a room or they feel really beautiful to be around.
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: And the thing about energy is that the premise of
• 36:45
  Speaker 3: the book is Slow Down, Tune In, Shine Bright. In
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: Tune In, I talk all about energetics. So I talk
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: about how you can actually do all the physical practices
• 36:55
  Speaker 3: for your nervous system, and then we get into somatic
• 36:57
  Speaker 3: practices like somatic therapy, tremor release work, kinesiology, we talk
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: about the energetics. So it was so interesting that basically
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: I wanted to bridge the two worlds of energetics and
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: the physical, and in Shine Bright, the biggest, biggest answer
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: I kept getting was their energy, their energy, their energy.
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: I'm like, this is why we need to look at
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: our energy as well. So that was the first one.
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: Having energetic practices that tend to who you authentically are.
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: That's the segue into the second one is people who
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: are authentic people who you feel they're real, they're not
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: putting on a mask, they're not putting on a show.
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: Like how often can you just continue to show up
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: as you and you're enough as you are in the mess?
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: In the vulnerability, I'm.
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: Segueing the shit out of this because the next one
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: is vulnerability when you share your vulnerability, when you share
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: your heart and truth and the painful moments, and yes,
• 37:46
  Speaker 3: the celebration and the shine and equal parts of the
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: polarity that I spoke about at the beginning, So that
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: was another big piece.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: Kindness was another one, and in.
• 37:55
  Speaker 3: The book I talk all about the random acts of
• 37:57
  Speaker 3: kindness you can do for other people in your life,
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: but even being kind to yourself. That shows when you're
• 38:04
  Speaker 3: speaking kindly to yourself, when you're celebrating yourself, when you're
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: in that space of yeah, true kind self talk and
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: self awareness. People feel that and that impacts the energy,
• 38:14
  Speaker 3: so they're all connected.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: And then the fifth the dreamers, Ah, the dreamers.
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: The people have the big visions and go after the things,
• 38:22
  Speaker 3: and they're just stopping it nothing to make their life
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: the best life ever because it gives other people permission
• 38:27
  Speaker 3: to do the same. So the people who are out
• 38:29
  Speaker 3: there going after the thing, living their dreams and being
• 38:32
  Speaker 3: the permission slip and the inspiring permission slip for other
• 38:35
  Speaker 3: people to do the same.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: But to wrap up our conversation, we wanted to ask,
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: what is your biggest life lesson on your journey so far?
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: Just when you think you're at your rock bottom and
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: things are crumbling around you and there's nowhere out, you
• 38:49
  Speaker 3: are on the precipice of your biggest breakthrough. Yet you're
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: on the precipice of becoming more of who you're meant
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: to be, and nothing that has been delivered to you
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: or served to you you can't hold like you are
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: so capable and you are so strong, and it's so
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: much more courage than you realize.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: Give yourself credit for every.
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: Mountain you've overcome, knowing that there will be more, because
• 39:10
  Speaker 3: that is life.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: It's not about smooth sailing.
• 39:12
  Speaker 3: It's about how you can really back yourself when things
• 39:15
  Speaker 3: get hard, knowing that there is light always on the
• 39:19
  Speaker 3: other side. Light precedes darkness, so it's coming and you're
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: going to be okay.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for coming on the show and
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: also for sharing the book with us earlier. It was
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: such a pleasure to read it and we really appreciate it.
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: But where can the chicks find you?
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: And also the books? Great question.
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: You can come hang out with me on Insta at
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: Holly as a party, and the books are in all
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: of your favorite independent booksellers. They're on book Topia, they're
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: on Amazon, They're everywhere, so pick your favorite seller. We
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: love the indies and go and support them. And you
• 39:50
  Speaker 3: can also find me on substack. I've been doing some
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: writing over on substack perfect.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: I'll put all the links in the show notes as
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: per usual. But thank you so much again for coming
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: on the show so having me gas was a complete joy.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: And thanks to your chicks for having us in your
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: ear holes.
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: We'd love to be here.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: And thank you to m I k Made for making
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: today's episode happen. Bye you gay Bye